I Know I’ve Been MIA

I really don’t know why but I haven’t wanted to blog the last few weeks.  I am realizing that my blog is no longer about an affair or a broken heart. It’s taking me a little while to figure out what my new focus will be. I guess it will continue to be about me, my marriage, my life and things that interest me.  It just seems a little boring to be perfectly honest lol.

Then what do I do? Take down all the posts about the affair? Start posting pictures of myself? These are the questions that have been going through my mind. So while I mull all this over and get through the end of the school year, I guess I’m going to need a little time to figure out what’s next.

I do know that I want to continue blogging, I just don’t want to feel so guilty every time I need a break.  Does that make any sense?  I feel like I have abandoned my friends and fellow bloggers and in a way I guess I have.  For that I deeply apologize.  I hope you all know how much you mean to me.

I’m just going through a transition period in life and figuring out what’s next for me is something I am still working on.  Am I happy?  Most days absolutely, but not all and that’s okay.

I wanted to let you all know what I was thinking and to be assured that this is just a temporary break.  And if anyone has any suggestions, I am more than open to them.  Feel free to suggest away.  I hope you are all doing well and that you are going where the love is.

Love, Emma

The Greatest Gift Of Life Is Friendship — Positive Outlooks Blog

Life is kind of like a party. You invite a lot of people, some leave early, some stay all night, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up really late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the mess. And […]

via The Greatest Gift Of Life Is Friendship — Positive Outlooks Blog

I love this!  It’s absolutely true. While it can suck when some leave early, it’s also what makes life so amazing and wonderful.  I have really missed all my friends here and I do look forward to catch up with everyone.  Keep going where the love is!!!

 

I’m Back

I actually decided to stay an extra day down in Florida.  Instead of flying home Saturday night, I came home late Sunday night.  Of course my flight got delayed and I got home about 1 am and then was up at 6 am for school on Monday.  Crazy I know, but I just wanted one more day to relax and lay by the pool. I also wanted to go see my Aunt and Uncle one last time before I left.  They are getting older and my Aunt is in a Physical Rehab facility because she has trouble walking without assistance.

It’s hard to believe that just a few days ago, I was on this beach:

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Naples is a beautiful part of Florida that I had never really spent much time in before.  It’s really gorgeous.  There is a lot of old money and old people LOL. Right off the beach road (5 minute drive from the condo) are all these spectacular mansions that are really fun to look at and take pictures of but I could not even imagine being wealthy enough to own one.

This one was a particular favorite of mine:

Barefoot beach house

It was a really relaxing and enjoyable vacation.  We found a bunch of great thrift shops, did some shopping, went out to eat in a bunch of great restaurants, walked the beach, and drank pina coladas by the pool. My cousin and I went out to karaoke two nights (it’s huge in Florida) and had a ball!

I see now how much I really needed a break and realize how important it is to make the time to take more vacations.  It recharges your batteries and reminds you of all the beauty there is in the world.  I did miss my hubby very much and am glad to be home.  Next time, he is definitely coming with me 😉

Failure Is A Part Of A Great Life — Positive Outlooks Blog

Give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up! Everyone makes mistakes, has setbacks and failures. You don’t come with a book on how to get it right all the time. You will fail sometimes, not because you planned to, but simply because you’re human. Failure is a part of creating a great life. — Les […]

via Failure Is A Part Of A Great Life — Positive Outlooks Blog

This is something I struggle with at times.  I don’t beat myself up, but I don’t like to fail.  I’m trying to accept that everyone will fail sometimes.  It helps us grow and evolve as people.  That isn’t such a bad thing 🙂

The Universe Provides & Karma

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what you put out

 

Put out goodness

be a reflection give respect

I am a firm believer in the idea that what you give out into the world is what you get back most of the time.  It may not always feel like that some days, but it has been my experience.

When I’m sad, down, lonely or just blah it seems like I always encounter someone in my life who makes me smile, laugh and feel less alone.  I try to remember to be grateful for all that I have and for all those that take time out of their day to brighten mine.

Now this only relates to us regular folks WITHOUT a personality disorder like narcissists or sociopaths.  When dealing with those kind of sick twisted individuals, the normal rules definitely do not apply.  They have no common decency or compassion. Just try to have as little contact with them as humanly possible and stay out of their way.

This is my hectic time at work and it’s pretty chaotic and busy.I haven’t been as active in reading blogs and commenting as I used to be.  I go through phases where I’m very active and then other times I just get so overwhelmed by all the blogs I follow.  Keeping up with all of them can at times feel like a full time job lol.  So I hope this explains my absence the last week.  I hope everyone is doing well! I’ve missed you guys xoxo.

Things are really well with my hubby and I am no longer in contact with P.  I’m going to Florida this Saturday for a week to lay in the sun and relax.  I really cannot wait! I haven’t been away for a long, long time (except to the lake house which is great but not like a real vacation lol).  I am and will continue to go where the love is!

 

20 Great Quotes about Mindfulness

Brandy Eve Allen

For as quiet and serene as most mindfulness landscapes and experts appear, the actual act of becoming conscious and aware of oneself, one’s thoughts and one’s environment is remarkably difficult, at least at first. There are so many distractions in today’s world that keep us looking for something else, someone else, and even…

via 20 Quotes About Mindfulness For When You Need To Find Your Way Back To The Present Moment — Thought Catalog

Tacky Tuesday

My friend at work just showed me this clip and I thought it was hysterical!!!  Obviously I am a huge fan of silly stupid funny. I think this was cemented more than ever after my Mom died. My Dad and I watched the first Hangover movie and we almost peed our pants laughing so friggin hard!!  It was the first time we were actually able to forget that she was gone and enjoy ourselves for more than 5 minutes. We just kept rewinding the funny parts and howling!!  To this day, those movies can always cheer me up.  Especially since we taught my nephew (he was 3 1/2 at the time) to say, “THEY SHOT EDDIE!!!”  He used to yell it out to us from my brother’s deck as we were leaving.  Needless to say, my sister-in-law did NOT find this as comical as we did.  But hey it sure used to help on those days where I couldn’t even believe the sun still came up sometimes.  I say whatever works right?

On a side note, it feels like I have been working through things and feelings for so very long now.  So much hurt, sadness, pain and anger.  Obviously it was one of the reasons this blog has helped me so very much. Since I have been able to forgive all that happened, I just really want to stay happy and grateful.  It’s not always easy but it’s working so far.  My life is actually pretty tame now and drama free.  That’s just the way I like it.

I hope that’s okay 🙂

 

 

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T Req making bed

Late Monday

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This is usually me on a Monday morning, I’m not gonna lie 🙂

Monday wish

Surprisingly, I am feeling pretty darn well for a Monday!  I am down 12 lbs. in 6 weeks.  Since I started doing the Biggest Loser at work 2 years ago, I have lost about 33 lbs. I had a great weekend just puttering around the house doing chores and spending some quality time with hubby. I plan to continue riding this wave of happiness as long as I can lol.

How is everyone doing today? I hope you are having a wonderful day. And if not, just remember tomorrow’s another day. Hugs and love to you xoxo!

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Withdrawal & Love Addiction

It’s a rainy day here in NY. I am enjoying it with my hubby. We are snuggled up watching old game shows from the 70s n 80’s. Now we’re watching the original Annie. You know a man truly loves you if he will happily watch Annie for the first time just to spend time with you! LOL I’m going where the love is!!!

This is a great article that I thought might help a few of my friends. Hugs n love to you all!

Withdrawal: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Withdrawal makes love addiction different from codependency. Like any other addict, a love addict wants a fix — in this case, the object of his or her obsession. That could be a particular person, or a relationship in general. So what happens when that “substance” goes away?

There are two ways a love addict enters withdrawal: They’ve ended the relationship or tried to. Or his or her partner has left the relationship — explicitly, or by becoming obsessed with his or her own addictive behavior. As soon as the love addict feels the other person’s absence, it will trigger feelings of loss.

For most people, loss evokes emotions such as sadness. Healthy adults know how to manage these emotions. But for love addicts, in addition to normal feelings of loneliness, grief, anger, and fear, all their childhood trauma issues are triggered, too. Any unresolved childhood issues around abandonment, fear, anger, jealousy, insecurity, guilt, shame, and loss are going to combine with the current adult experience to create one perfect storm. It’s intense, devastating, and overwhelming, and often the love addict feels out of control in the face of it.

If withdrawal occurs because the addict’s partner left, you can add to this unexpected and unplanned shocks. The addict might face economic changes, having to move, the impact on any children, and dealing with a possible affair or other addiction fallout. It is difficult to describe the totality of the impact.

Love addicts, to get into recovery, need to be able to endure these intense emotions. Doing so long enough will help them face the fact of their addiction; begin to heal their childhood issues; take responsibility for themselves; and begin a new path that includes healthy relating. They will need a lot of support to get through this phase.

Here are some of the things love addicts may be tempted to do while they are experiencing withdrawal:

  • Go back to the relationship. It is possible to heal a love addiction without ending a relationship, but it requires putting the relationship on hold for a significant amount of time. You can’t be in an actively dysfunctional relationship and try to heal your addiction.
  • Contact the old partner. If the relationship is over, a love addict is going to be tempted to reestablish contact. This will lead to an attempt to go back to the relationship.
  • Stalk the old partner. Rage and jealousy can become intense. If there is a third party involved (or if one is suspected), the addict may be tempted to stalk their old partner. Once withdrawal takes over, the brain isn’t in any place to be logical or rational. It’s being run by intense emotions that go back to childhood. There’s a raging and scared child at the wheel and all kinds of things make sense to a child that don’t make sense to adults.
  • Get even. If you’ve got a raging and scared child in charge, then that child might also devise all kinds of ways to get even. Have an affair of your own. Spend all the money. Show up at the partner’s office and make a scene. Ruin something important or valuable. Say anything and everything in order to cause pain.

Remember, the addict’s brain has been hijacked by addiction withdrawal. There is no logical reasoning going on here. The primary goal of the brain in withdrawal is to get the addictive substance back and stop all the pain. So love addicts in withdrawal hear messages in their heads that sound something like:

  • I can’t live without him or her. I need him or her.
  • I can still make this work. It has to work. I need to give it one more chance.
  • He or she is supposed to be with me. We were supposed to be together. We were meant for each other.
  • It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to work out. I didn’t want it to be like this. Why is it like this?

It’s important to understand how addiction works. Get help and support to get through this phase. Because it does pass. Remember, as my therapist reminds me: these terrifying and overwhelming emotions are just neurons firing in grooves that were formed in and informed by pain long before this relationship started.

Our job in recovery is to form new grooves formed in and informed by love, acceptance, compassion, and patience. If we can tolerate the pain without acting on it, we are already forming new grooves. That’s the beginning of progress.

But it’s not enough to simply stand there in pain and do nothing. Get yourself to a 12-step meeting. Call a friend who gets it — someone who will completely support you, not just take your side, tell you what you want to hear, or start telling you what you need to do.

Write in your journal. Get those feelings out of you and somewhere else. Process them somehow. Yell at a tree. Throw eggs at the ground. Cry. If you’re like me, sob. Get it out. Be comfortable with your intensity and recognize that you’re not dying, nothing bad is happening, you’re not going back to your old behaviors. That’s when you’ll know you’re making progress.

Every now and then, something seemingly innocuous, like an empty pizza box, can trigger intense feelings of withdrawal for me. I’m always caught off guard when that happens. But I’m learning that every time it does, I can just allow those feelings to pass through me and out.

I can cry, shake, yell, rant, pace, whatever, and as long as I don’t pick up the phone to call, text, email, or do anything that..
To read the rest of this article go to http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/07/withdrawal-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/

How To Forget Someone

How To Forget Someone by Om Swami

People go through ups and downs all the time. On the journey of life, we meet a mix of travelers. It is unlikely that we will only meet a certain type, or only those we like or dislike. After all, it is not a one-way road. At any time, the traffic flows both in and against our direction. Sometimes some people or events can hurt you so bad that you just want to erase them from your memory. You have even forgiven them, you want to move on but you find yourself unable to do so. Take it easy. It’s only human.

There are generally two possibilities that make you remember anyone: either you love that person or you hate that person. And there are only three reasons that make you want to forget somebody. One, their thought wells up negative emotions in you and throws you off-balance. Two, you still love them deeply but they have moved on. Three, despite your love, they don’t love you back. In any case, it hurts. If their memory doesn’t trigger any positive or negative emotion in you, there would be no need to forget that person. In fact, if you neither love nor hate the person you are trying to forget, you will forget them automatically. When their memory sparks neither good nor bad in you, it means you have moved on. But what to do when you do want to forget them? Read on.

If you find yourself thinking about that person, hold a mini self-dialog as the first step. Accept that you are missing them and that you are hurt. Talk to yourself. Repeat it a few times and watch your mind releasing the thought of that person. Releasing their memory is crucial if you want to forget them. A while back, I wrote an article on how to take your mind off unwanted thoughts during your meditation. You can read it here. Apply the same principle.

Give yourself time and each time their thought arises, simply and gently focus your mind elsewhere. Promise yourself that anytime you are reminded of them, you will not let that ruin your peace. And the way to protect your peace is to shift your focus. This is the most powerful method I know of. When the one you love leaves you, it creates a void in your life, a hole in your heart. You keep falling in that pit. You need to fill that gaping hole somehow. It is not easy but it can be done. When their memories come knocking on the doors of your heart, shift your attention. If you can divert your thoughts at that time, gradually the imprints will become lighter, the intensity of their memories will start to diminish.

Two kids found a pouch containing fifteen silver coins. One had spotted it and the other had picked it up. Each claimed ownership of the find. This led to an argument and ultimately they approached the wise Mulla Nasruddin with their quandary.

“Hmmm…so you want me to resolve the matter?”
“Yes, please,” both said in unison.
“Alright, I’ll divide the coins between you two. But tell me, do you want me to do justice like a human or God?”
“Please do as God would.”
He counted the coins and gave twelve to one and three to the other. While they both stood there bewildered, said Mulla plainly, “That’s how He operates.”

Life can be unfair. When trying to forget someone, avoid any intellectual analysis like why it happened to you or how could they do this to you etc.. If you start to dissect, you will only sink in deeper.  Any cogitation will only depress you more, it will drag you back to the field of memories — and that’s exactly what we want to avoid here. Trust me on this one. Simply take your mind off.

Both love and hate fetter you. You cannot forget anyone by continuing to love or hate them. If you want to forget them, you must become indifferent towards them. You become indifferent when you rise above the duality of love and hatred. Both love and hate touch our heart, whatever touches our heart leaves an imprint on our mind. It is those imprints that make up our memory store. It is for this reason that Vedic and other spiritual texts preach one to remain even. Being even is a step higher than being indifferent. Because being even is being indifferent with compassion, with empathy.

The greater the number of memories you have with someone, the harder it is to move on. Because memories indicate a commitment of time. The number of memories is directly proportional to the amount of time you invested with the person. How big or how easily an investment can one write off varies from one person to another. You cannot erase a person from your mind by trying to not think about them.

To read the rest of this article go to http://omswami.com/2013/09/how-to-forget-someone.html

 

 

 

Narcissists & Intimacy

Narcissists & Intimacy

Written by Alexander Burgemeester

If you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you may find that the relationship is less intimate than you thought it was. It is probably intense, time-consuming, long-lasting, and uses a great deal of your mental energy—but intense is not the same as intimate. An important test of intimacy is to ask yourself the following questions: “is this relationship a safe haven where I feel loved and accepted for being me?” and “do I trust the other person and do they trust me?”  If you cannot answer ‘yes’ to both of those questions, read on.

A narcissist can be extremely good at giving the appearance of intimacy… and she will turn it on and off at her pleasure. She may run hot and cold- going in and out of being highly somatic and needing a sex partner. When she’s needy, she offers intimations of intimacy that are very appealing and hard to resist. It’s easy for her partner to think this time she’ll be different, but… she’ll go back to being selfish immediately once she’s got her gratification. Narcissists are the ultimate users.

Fear of Intimacy

People with personality disorders are fearful of real, mature intimacy. Mind you, intimacy is formed not only within a couple, but also in a workplace, in a neighborhood, with friends, or while collaborating on a project. Intimacy requires emotional involvement; it is the result of interactions with others in constant and predictable (safe) close relationships.

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder interpret intimacy as codependence, emotional strangulation, and the demise of freedom. They are terrified by it and avoid it; their self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors are intended to tear apart the very foundation of a successful relationship, career, project, or friendship. Narcissists feel elated and relieved after they unshackle these ‘chains’. Narcissists are simply indifferent, callous and careless in their treatment of others. Their abusive behavior is usually offhanded and absent-minded, although when they feel threatened or are in the devaluation process their behavior can be calculated and premeditated.

Emotional intimacy occurs when we share ourselves deeply with another person. Mutual trust is required in order to feel safe and secure with another person. Narcissists are not able to truthfully share or trust. Some narcissists are truly gifted at pretending and appearing emotionally invested in you. They are often unusually attentive in the beginning, idealizing you, and offering to meet all of your needs and more. Narcissists can appear to be exceptionally sincere and many people fall for this act.

Development of Intimacy

We learn to be emotionally intimate when we are very young children. It begins with a secure, loving attachment to a parent. The child who feels securely attached is able to express his\her feelings openly without shame or fear. The parent is in tune with the child and able to comfort him when he is frightened, confused or angry.  As a result of psychological needs being met by a parent, the child learns to trust others and feel secure about himself as a person. Mothers of narcissists are not good parents; they reward the child, whom they regard as special and superior, as long as he/she reflects the desired parental image. These children are highly praised, and prized, in the narcissistic family- not for who they genuinely are- but for fulfillment of the wishes or dreams of the narcissistic parent. As a result, the narcissist never learns in early childhood how to become emotionally intimate. Because she/he is not loved for being her/his real self, the narcissist never learns to relate to themselves on a deep emotional level nor can they reciprocate any real affection or love for another, even their children.

Consider friendship with the narcissist as another example of a relationship. You cannot truly get to know a narcissist friend. You cannot be genuine friends with the narcissist for all the reasons above. Plus narcissists are addicts. They are in constant pursuit of gratification, known as “narcissistic supply”.  Everything and everyone around them is an object, a potential source of narcissistic supply (to be idealized) or not a source (to be cruelly discarded).

Narcissists can be happily married… to compliant, subservient, self-deprecating and indiscriminately supportive spouses. They also can be happily married to masochists. However, a healthy, normal person would not be happy in an intimate-less narcissistic relationship.

Intimacy versus Intensity

Many partners of individuals with NPD confuse intimacy and intensity. Real intimacy has to do with trust, understanding, and feeling understood. People who are intimate (we don’t mean sex here) reveal personal vulnerabilities without fear that what they share will be used against them. Intimacy relies on feeling safe, mutuality, endurance, respect and no secrets. Without healthy self-disclosure at the right time, there can be no intimacy. And that takes honesty about who we are and how we feel. Narcissists are unable to be honest with themselves, let alone other people.

Intensity on the other hand, has to do with secrecy, lack of trust, high drama, fear and disrespect. Intensity with a narcissist is spent in fantasy, the cycle of idealization and devaluation, bitter arguments followed up by apologies and make-up sex. Sharing our deepest selves as a part of mutual sharing is fundamental to a sustained, mutually satisfying relationship. Unfortunately, narcissists don’t allow themselves to know their own vulnerabilities or feelings so they are unable to share with others.

Another factor that makes intimacy possible in a healthy relationship is being able to see both the good and bad traits of the partner at the same time. Again, this is not something narcissists can do. In their world, everything is black or white, good or bad (splitting).

Sex versus Intimacy

In a recent issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, University of Florida researchers found that narcissists are fixated on sexual gratification rather than enduring intimacy. (That’s probably not a surprise to anyone in a narcissistic relationship). Narcissists are more likely to have a history of short-term sexual conquests compared to people who consider commitment the most important aspect of a relationship. “Narcissists have a heightened sense of sexuality, but they tend to view sex very differently than other people do; they see sexuality more in terms of power, influence and as something daring, in contrast to people with low narcissistic qualities who associated sex more with caring and love.”

To read the rest of this article go to http://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-and-intimacy/

Forgiveness & Letting Go

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It’s been quite a long time since I have written about P. That is mostly because there hasn’t been anything to write about. Except for a very regrettable drunk call I made back in February, we have not spoken in months.  I have let him go in most ways, but there was always something missing.  No matter how hard I tried, I had been unable to forgive him. Even though I knew it was for me, not him, I just could not seem to manage it.

While letting go is a process that happens over time and with continued effort, I believe forgiveness is a one shot deal.  Either you forgive someone or you don’t.  Once you forgive, it’s done and you can’t undo it.  Now this doesn’t mean that you forget or keep forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts you.  That’s abusing yourself and allowing others to do the same.

Unfortunately as much as we want to forgive and/or let go of what hurts us, sometimes we just simply aren’t ready.  I had let go months ago but I was still missing that last piece of the puzzle.  I knew it was time to forgive and I wanted to very much, but something wouldn’t let me. I tried over and over again to no avail.  I was better in so many ways and happy for the first time in over a year.

Then P called to wish me a happy birthday. I was actually pretty surprised and not very gracious lol. He was kind and it was nice catching up.  And as we were talking, the most amazing thing happened.  All that pain, sadness, anger and rejection I have felt for over a year now?  It just disappeared!  I forgave him and I feel so free!!  I literally feel lighter and even happier than I have been the last few months.  It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

He told me he loved me and still loves me.  That is why he can’t have me in his life.  It hurts and confuses him. It’s too hard and it’s not healthy.  I understand that and I agree. He says his narcissist (so so) has been trying to treat him better and he’s okay. I told him that my H and I are doing really well and I’m happy.  I thanked him for letting me go and removing me from all that dysfunction.  I’m at peace and I am going to continue to go where the love is!

Birthday Blues/Get Back Up

Sorry all! I wrote this yesterday but wasn’t in the best frame of mind at the time to post it. I actually read today that there is such a thing as birthday blues, getting sad on your birthday.  It’s never happened to me before so I’m hoping it’s NOT that lol. That would suck cause I usually love birthdays.

Today is my birthday. I have so much to be grateful for and I know that.  All the friends and family who have called, sent cards, gifts, messages, etc.  I’m just having a rough day and I don’t think it’s anything in particular.  I guess it’s hormones plus I just miss my Mom, my Dad n his girlfriend are down in Virginia. Even wondering if Putz will say happy birthday.  Actually I know it’s hormones/my illness. I feel sad, a bit weepy and like no one loves me or cares.  The logical part of me knows that’s totally ridiculous, but that’s the illness.  Thankfully, it’s temporary and usually only bad for a few hours. Since it’s only a day or 2 a month and not EVERY SINGLE DAY?  I can handle it. Well I can get through it lol. I just feel like such an annoying whiner LOL!!! I guess I really can cry if I want to huh? Tomorrow will be a better day.

To Get Back Up Is Living Your Best – http://wp.me/p2pUkR-5gX

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8 Ways To Create a Positive Day From Your Morning Routine

Love this positive post! Have a great day all 🙂

A Life Less Ordinary

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We all know that starting the day on a positive note can set us up for a more positive day. But how often do we do this? How often do we intend to get up 15 minutes earlier but once that damn alarm goes off we reach out for that snooze button?

A lot of the time we can end up rushing too much in the mornings which can inadvertently cause us unneeded stress, anxiety and panic. But is this really necessary? Do we realise how much a structured morning routine can help us with our day and overall happiness? Don’t get me wrong, I know how hard it can be sometimes to get the strength to get out of bed especially if you’ve had an unrestful night sleep or you have trouble sleeping in general. But there’s a great power in getting up a little bit earlier.

1. Appreciate…

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Rejection sucks.

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Rejection can actually be extremely painful and traumatic.  This is a great article that explains why it’s so difficult to move on from.  I believe that it was the rejection I felt that made getting over my ex so difficult.  Not because he was so perfect or wonderful, but because I had never before felt so rejected or abandoned by someone who supposedly loved me.  It took me over a year to move on and finally let go of that love. Thankfully he doesn’t read my blog anymore.  He would read some of the articles about narcissism and cry. Apparently, truth and honesty don’t mix well with a fake, delusional and dysfunctional life.  He’d rather pretend and lie to himself.  After a lifetime of self-delusion and abuse?  It’s all he knows and, most likely, all he will ever know.  That is completely his choice.  But to allow her selfish behavior and malignant narcissism to screw up both of their children so irrevocably?  I think that’s just unforgivable.  I live my life in the light, not the darkness.  In the truth and not in lies. With him there will always be pain and suffering.  I’m going where the love is 🙂 


Rejection: A Loser’s Guide

by Adoree Durayappah-Harrison MAPP

Raise your hand if you have never heard any of the following lines in one form or another:

  • Let’s just be friends.
  • Unfortunately, we don’t have a position that meets your unique qualifications at this time.
  • We regret to inform you that we cannot grant you acceptance to X University.
  • You are very talented, and I expect you to do great things…elsewhere.

If you’ve finished reading this list and your hand is raised, please bring it down to face level. Cup your hand to your cheek. Pull it back three to five inches and traveling at an increased velocity slap yourself firmly in the face. Why? If you haven’t experienced rejection, this exercise serves as a simulation of what rejection feels like. Actually, a slap in the face is much more pleasant than rejection. Rejection is more of a swift punch to the solar plexus. But since punching oneself in the solar plexus requires dexterity and the knowledge of the location of your solar plexus, for demonstration purposes you must forgive me for choosing the former.

However, chances are you didn’t raise your hand. I’m willing to bet that if you are reading this article, you are all-too-familiar with that uninvited houseguest. Say hello to your good buddy, Rejection.

Now, what you probably already know about rejection is that he isn’t too shy about showing up at the most inappropriate places and at the most inopportune times.

In fact, some common situations where he loves to drop by include when you are:

  • Deeply in love
  • Chasing your dreams
  • Job hunting
  • Starting a new venture
  • Pursing your personal projects
  • Applying and auditioning

And, God knows this list is not exhaustive. Just when you have filed the restraining order and unlisted your phone number guess who managed to find you? That’s right: Rejection.

Your Old Nemesis: Rejection

Do you remember when you first met that meddlesome stranger? I remember the first time I shook his cold, clammy hand. I can still feel the sweat on my palm. It was summer camp; I was seven. We had to swim across the pool “freestyle” in order to earn a green plastic necklace announcing our admission into the coveted deep end. I thought “freestyle” meant we were free to pick any style we wanted. This is America after all! The style I picked was swimming at the bottom of the pool and not coming up for air. I did not earn the attractive green necklace. Instead, I sported a red one the entire duration of camp. I entered a “highly exclusive” group of non deep-end-goers made up of only two girls, a girl from Honduras and myself. Because she didn’t speak any English, we couldn’t even commiserate about our exclusion.

You probably remember your first encounter with rejection: being picked last in gym class or not getting into the advanced reading or math class in elementary school. Perhaps it came at home or on the playground.

Since a young age we have been tormented by rejection. We have seen rejection crop up at school, at work, in relationships, and in the pursuit of our dreams. Over the years, we have been rejected by significant others, from teams, from programs, from projects, from companies, from roles, from organizations, and from institutions.

Logic would suggest that if we have been confronting rejection since a young age on numerous occasions, over the years we should be experts at getting over rejection by now. We all know this isn’t the case.

Why Does Rejection Hurt Us So Badly?

The honest truth is that rejection sucks. Rejection hurts now and will in the future. (Good on you rejection for at least being consistent.)

The purpose of this article is to build our awareness about why rejection hurts so badly, and why even after years of exposure we are not immune to its pernicious effects. In this article we examine rejection psychologically and evolutionarily, to discover what is happening to us neurologically when we feel rejected and why anthropologically speaking, we are hardwired to fear rejection.

Rejection comes from Latin, meaning thrown back. When we are rejected, we feel not only halted but pushed back in the opposite direction of which we were headed. Now consider this, when rejected, how do we describe the event? We tend to say, “I was rejected.” Notice what is going on here. We are using passive voice. This indicates how we feel about the part we play in rejection. We view ourselves as passive, as being the victim of an action, as inactive, as nonparticipative.

Rejection Is Physiologically Heart-Breaking

Do you remember when I made you slap your face? Let’s return to that moment to continue the discussion of what it feels like to be rejected. Okay, you have just received the swift blow of rejection knocking you off guard and what happens? First, you are stunned, disoriented from the blow. You feel weak and helpless. Your body begins to shut down, as you lay there paralyzed from the injury. You might think that I am being overly dramatic, but this is what happens biologically when your body responds to rejection.

Scientists from the University of Amsterdam found that unexpected social rejection is associated with a significant response of the parasympathetic nervous system. Let’s take a quick time-out to discuss just what the heck is the parasympathetic nervous system. When the body is active, generally in fight or flight mode, the sympathetic system engages, heart rate quickens, pupils dilate, energy is directed towards allowing the body to react quickly. However, the parasympathetic system is responsible for when the body is at rest.

Remember how we discussed speaking of rejection in passive voice: “I was rejected”? Well, studies have found that after rejection not only do we think passively, but also we act passively. When faced with unexpected social rejection, research has found that “feeling that you are not liked” results in our heart rate actually slowing down, an activity of the parasympathetic nervous system. Thus, feeling rejected results in you reacting both psychologically and physically. It is interesting to mention that in this study participants’ heart rates fell not only when they heard a person’s unfavorable opinion of them but also in anticipation of hearing a person’s opinion. If told that the person’s opinion of him or her was unfavorable, the individual’s heart rate plummeted even further and took longer to return to baseline. Additionally, heart rates slowed even more when individuals expected a positive opinion but received a negative one. This explains how rejection, especially the kind that blindsides you, literally feels heartbreaking.

We Are Hard-Wired to Fear Rejection

As human beings, we are extremely sensitive to rejection, especially forms of social rejection. We have a strong motivation to seek approval and acceptance. If we take an anthropological perspective, we can see how back in the day-I’m talking about back in the 10,000 BC day-you knew that if you were on your own, your chance of survival was nil. You needed your tribe for food, shelter, and protection. Being rejected from others meant imminent death. Evolutionarily speaking, we are hardwired to form social relationships and strongly motivated to feel liked and feel like we belong.

Getting Over a Breakup Is Like Getting Over a Cocaine Addiction

Neurologically speaking, rejection sucks! And, arguably the worst type of rejection is romantic rejection. Getting over a breakup is like getting over an addition to cocaine. Oh, that isn’t just my personal viewpoint; it is also the opinion and the scientific finding of researchers at Stony Brook University. The researchers found that the area of the brainthat is active during the pain and anguish experienced during a breakup is the same part of the brain associated with motivation, reward, and addiction cravings. Brain imaging shows similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving.

Rejection hurts so acutely because we get addicted to the relationship, only to have it taken away from us. And after, just like a drug addiction, we go through withdrawal.

We Aren’t That Good at Dealing With Loss

In general humans aren’t good with dealing with loss. We tend to view loss as much more significant than gain. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman received the Nobel Prize for his work in Prospect Theory. Prospect Theory describes how people make choices in situations where they have to decide between alternatives that involve risk. The model discusses how people realistically decide rather than evidencing how one should make the most optimal decision. Using empirical evidence as the base, the theory describes how individuals evaluate potential losses and gains.

Individuals view the pain of losing $50 as much stronger than the joy of receiving $50. Thus, we tend to be loss averse and will be motivated to avoid risks that involve losing rather than take risks involved in the potential for gains.

Now that we can give the scientific explanation of why rejection sucks and can sound smarter at cocktail parties, let us move on to explore how rejection impairs us not only in the moment but also in the long-term.

After Rejection We Stop Trying and Taking Risks

Sadly there is no surgeon general warning that comes with rejection. So, we must conduct our own exploration into the major effects of rejection that are most inimical to our psychological and physical health. First, we see that rejection can lead to the reduction of hope and the reluctance to take risks.

Psychological studies have proven this outcome. This phenomenon is known in the scientific community as learned helplessness. Psychologist Martin Seligman and Steve Maier discovered during a series of experiments that dogs who had previously “learned” that nothing they did had any effect on preventing shocks when placed in a new situation, where they could have easily escaped the shock, simply lay down passively and whined. Learned helplessness refers to the condition in which animals or human beings learn to behave helplessly, viewing their actions as producing no effective result even when attempting to avoid an unpleasant or harmful situation.

After facing rejection, individuals often feel as if their actions fail to produce any desired effect. As a result, individuals can lose hope that the situation can be improved at all. And, just as the dogs in the experiment, what do we tend to do after a strong blow of rejection? We lie down passively and whine. We complain about how we were wronged saying that the world hates us and that the outcome is completely unfair. But, do we try and take action? No. Rather, we stay in that fetal position and continue to sing our song of sorrows and think why try if there is no point.

We are such diligent students of learned helplessness that we can even learn vicariously. By observing others encountering uncontrollable events, we too can become helpless and passive. Rejection is so strong that even the mere presence of it around us makes as run home to our mommies, worried that if he just beat up Timmy, who knows what he will do when he gets a hold of us. The result: we give up on our goals because we are so preoccupied with failing.

To see the rest of this article go to  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thriving101/201012/rejection-losers-guide

Wonderful Wednesday

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letting-go courage

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It is beautiful here in NY and I have a 4 day weekend! Woohoo!  It’s my brothers’ birthdays today (they’re twins lol). Having dinner with the family. I have a little Easter Egg hunt planned for the little kids. Then I’m going to my friend’s house (the one who lost her Mom last week) to hang out and have some wine.  I might leave my car there and have my H pick me up after work. They only live a mile away from us. Tomorrow’s Holy Thursday, so I will try my best not to curse. I’ve been doing pretty well but not as good as I should’ve on no meat. I cheated a few times this Lent. My own Birthday is fast approaching (not really a good thing since I turned 40 lol) next Tuesday.

Hope everyone is having a great week. If you are, rock on and keep going where the love is! If you aren’t, please know that I have definitely been there many, many times. And will be again one day.  That’s just life.  But I am sorry you’re struggling and I really hope things get better soon. Hugs 🙂

Monday Musings

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The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set because they’ll know another chance will always be given. They’re not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won’t walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you.
~Trent Shelton

Unfortunately, I had to learn this lesson the hard way. Looking back it’s so clear, but I was blinded by love. Ok, if I’m totally honest I was blind, deaf and dumb lol!!!

Most of the time P and I got along really well but when he would get anxious, he would start to pull away and that made me feel completely out of control and hurt.  Looking back, it seems so clear he was conflicted about us and I should have just let him walk away.

We really do teach people what we will accept and not accept in terms of the way we are treated. Loving someone doesn’t mean they get a free pass to hurt and disrespect us. We need to love ourselves enough to walk away, no matter how painful it is.

I definitely should’ve walked away a few months before we actually broke up.  If I had been true to myself, not so friggin weak and addicted to him? People tell me how strong I am but I wasn’t strong enough to see the truth. Sometimes love just isn’t enough, it takes faith and trust from BOTH of you.

Now I know that no one is ever worth losing my self-respect and my dignity.  If someone truly loves you, you won’t have to fight to keep them. They will want to be there. If they don’t? YOU HAVE TO LET THEM GO, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS!!  And believe me I know it hurts like hell.  It hurts so damn much, you don’t know how you will ever pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and carry on. Even if you believe you are soulmates, twin flames or maybe that you met in another life. Even if you believe with every piece of your heart and soul that you were meant to be together.

I am here to tell you, YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN! I am living proof that life does go on and so will your heart (just like that song lol).

Please do yourself a favor, take a deep breath and just let go 🙂

Finally Friday!

I am so ecstatic to be done with this crazy week.  I plan on relaxing and spending time with my hubby this weekend. We have to figure out what we are doing for Easter.  One of his brothers wants to go out to Montauk and start a new tradition.  I actually think it’s a pretty good idea to get away and start fresh for a day.  The first holidays after you lose someone you love just suck.  There’s no way of getting around that.  But I think having something fun to look forward to might help ease the pain and loss, even if just for a short time.  I guess we will see what hubby wants to do and go from there. I am not usually so passive and willing to just go along but I remember after my Mom died, I just wanted to be with my family every holiday that year.  So I want to show my H the same kindness and consideration that he gave to me when I needed it most.

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Have a fantastic weekend everyone!!!  Keep going where the love is xoxoxo!

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