Is he friggin serious!?!?

You must Never forget who was there for you when no one else was.



This is what he posted yesterday. I know he’s talking about me and it just makes me shake my head. Yes I absolutely was there for him when no one else was for a year and a half. But in the end, it truly didn’t matter to him. I didn’t matter to him. And I really have no use for a guy that uses social media to send obscure messages.

I am not perfect but I am honest, upfront and open. I told my H I was losing it and would soon cheat. He did nothing. When I started the affair, before I fell in love with P, I told him! Does this make it right? No  it doesn’t.

I know now affairs cannot work. For me it was living 2 half lives instead of 1 full one. Looking back, I was willing to give up so much for him but he obviously wasn’t willing to give up anything for me.  He said I was the woman he loved and wanted to be with. I taught him how to love, how to communicate and how to strengthen a relationship through compromise. He said I was securely in his heart, mind and soul and then poof he was gone.

He’s way too old to be acting like he’s in junior high. Just a little more time and my heart will be healed.

People Running Away From Love

This is so profoundly true! I have to admit this is exactly what happened with my ex. I was too close to see how damaged he was. But his betrayal has left deep scars on my heart that are still healing.

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Morning Word,
Forgive yourself, So that you can begin to move on with your life. There is no point in beating yourself up over people who were never even strong enough to put up a fight for you in the first place. And just because your love wasnt fully appreciated and reciprocated back in return, It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. We have a bad habit of blaming ourselves for other people’s issues and insecurities. There isn’t anything you can do to stop someone from running away from you. Some do it out of fear of being hurt. Some do it from issues stemming from their past when they were a child, And some people do it because the power of love is just to heavy and scary for some people to carry. You need someone strong enough who you can put all your love on and…

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Sometimes Facebook is the devil

I wrote this last week before I decided to stop myself from looking.

I have been having a great week.  I’m happy and my heart is healing.  So then what possessed me to check out P’s facebook page? Seeing a family picture with her fake smiling as always. It’s completely looney tunes/bonkers! She’s one of those people that pretends everything is perfect, even with her marriage on the rocks, her daughter being thrown out of 8th grade, etc. As long as it looks good to others, who cares if everyone’s miserable?

I detest fakeness. Just be how you really are! Don’t pretend to be all sweet and happy in front of others, then be a miserable bitch to your family.

Why can’t people own their crazy, good and bad? When did being honest and authentic go out of style? I love to laugh and am generally a happy go lucky person. But I won’t pretend to be happy if I’m upset, angry or miserable.

He looked uncomfortable and not happy. But not as miserable as he has been. I guess pretending everything is wonderful isn’t as easy as it used to be. I actually feel sorry for the poor bastard.

When You Find The Right Person

I really believed with my whole heart that I had found that. He said I made him feel whole and complete. I said he was the missing piece of the puzzle. Maybe in another life lol.

Positive Outlooks

A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soul mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soul mate is the one who makes life come to life.  ― Richard Bach

Man walking at sunset

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Upcoming Birthday

A week from tomorrow will be my 40th birthday. I have never minded growing older but this is a difficult one for me. It’s hard sometimes to just enjoy the journey of life instead of getting caught up in expectations of what your life should be. But I have faith that the best is yet to come.

The only birthday present I want from him is his continued disappearance from my life. Yes it hurts terribly but at least the pain will eventually subside. He lives in a world full of dysfunction and misery. I don’t want any part of it anymore. I owe it to both of us to find happiness elsewhere and never look back. There’s nothing there for me with him any longer. All they want is to control and manipulate for their own selfish reasons. Living with people like that would’ve driven me insane. They saw him day after day, week after week, miserable and in pain. But did they care that he was unhappy? No they didn’t and they still don’t.

That bitch of a mother is a disgrace to all mothers. She should be ashamed of herself! What kind of mother tells her son that if he leaves her for me, he will be disowned. And that he will end up a bum in the street alone. She is NOT a good mother, woman or human being. But what kind of 45 year-old man lets other people run his life and make his decisions?

I don’t think I ever really thought about the fact that all he knows about family is fear and manipulation through life-long abuse, threats, lies, and bullying. Well, I thought about it but didn’t realize what kind of damage it caused. All I have known is love, acceptance, kindness and unconditional support. It was completely naive and unrealistic to think my love and devotion could heal a lifetime of scars.

Happy? I Doubt It

I used to feel like I won the lottery because you loved me and always wanted to spend time with me. You were so handsome, sweet and had such a funloving, beautiful spirit. You made my heart stop. I had forgotten how silly and fun love can be. You said you never believed in soulmates until you met me. And you are such a horrible liar that I believed you.

Then suddenly u changed and disappeared right in front of my eyes. But I guess if you truly loved me and wanted me, you wouldn’t have let fear and manipulation keep you trapped in the prison you created.

You dont value me at all anymore and it was stupid and naive for me to hope for so long. Its over and you are out of my life for good. You destroyed my heart and I have to pick up the pieces and go on. You are a stranger, cold, distant and detached. Now ur actually a selfish egotistical asshole who knows he’s living a lie and whose soul is slowly withering and dying.

It’s Difficult But You Have To Move On

Sometimes the hardest and most important truths to realize are the ones that seem so basic and easy to understand.

For me, it’s like my heart and head have completely different ideas and agendas.

It’s been 3 months since P and I broke up and 6 weeks no contact. And while my head is completely secure in the knowledge that our deep connection has been irrevocably severed by his fear and cowardice, my heart still misses him so much sometimes. It creeps up on me out of nowhere and reminds me of the devastating pain and loss that almost crushed me 3 months ago.

Time does heal the pain but it still sucks. Especially given the fact that while I have many virtues, unfortunately patience is not among them.

Positive Outlooks

There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don’t want to know, but have to learn. And people we can’t live without but have to let go. — Jennifer Jareau

Man walking at sunset

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Men & Women

Its always been my philosophy that men are stupid and women are crazy. Now imagine my surprise when I recently discovered a quote by the late comedian George Carlin saying the same exact thing! Maybe I saw it on cable as a teen and it just made sense lol.

Men are stupid because they really don’t realize how easy it is to make most of us happy. A flower, a love note, heck I adored this little bottle of sand that said Jersey Shore my ex bought me to remember a trip we took last year. It’s simple little things that melt my heart. And if they just put in the tiniest bit of effort, we would have no trouble picking up their socks or even converting from a lifelong Giants fan to a Jets fan upon marriage. (That was H’s condition and mine was lots of sex. I lived up to my side of the bargain and he soooo hasn’t.)

Women are crazy because a lot of us expect guys to automatically know what we like and what makes us happy. And because we change our minds a LOT and sometimes expect them to just know this without us bothering to tell them about said changes lol.

Anyway, I still cannot believe that old guy and I shared a basic life philosophy about the sexes. Blows my mind!

And while yes this may be a gross generalization, its also just my opinion. And like they say “Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one!”

Slowly Going Crazy

Why is it that guys tell me everyday how pretty and sexy I am but my own husband is afraid to touch me? Im not a supermodel lol. Just a woman with a naturally high sex drive who needs to be loved. He used to love that about me before he lost his mojo. I have removed my dating profile and said goodbye to the few guys I was still in touch with. Have been completely and totally honest and upfront with him. I even told him I fell in love with P because he made me feel beautiful, special, sexy and loved.I just need sex, love and intimacy. Doesn’t everyone?

Those Damn Triggers

Every day I get a little stronger, happier and less haunted by the triggers. I guess when you have loved someone for almost 2 years, it takes longer than a few weeks to grieve, heal and move on.

Every week P (my ex whatever) would bring me Starbucks and it became one of many countless things associated with him.

Today after almost 1 month no contact, I finally went to a Starbucks at lunchtime. Lunch is another huge trigger as we would speak almost every day at that time. I teared up a little in the car before finally summoning my strength and going inside.

I have realized that he chose to stay in an unhappy marriage. That has to do with his fear and anxiety, not because of me. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you.

He is my past. My future has nothing to do with him or his dysfunctional way of life.

When Walking Away Is Necessary

This is one of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn. But it is an important one nonetheless.

Positive Outlooks

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. — Unknown

Man walking at sunset

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Fairytale is over

After a year and a half together and tons of ups and downs, he decided he was ready to ask for a separation.  Then less than a week later, after tremendous pressure from family (his 100% italian mom became a total stalker with some real boundary issues), he changed his mind!!

I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.  I couldn’t eat, just cried and slept and wondered how he could have possibly changed overnight.  How he could choose to hurt someone that had only shown him love and unconditional support.  I had become a horrible cliche and that really pissed me off.  Just days after telling me how much he loves me, I’m the only woman that is securely in his heart, mind and soul and we belong together, he told me had to go to counseling with her.  I had even asked him if there was anything she could say or do to change his mind and he assured me there wasn’t.  He’s 45 and still so afraid of his Mother!!!  It’s creepy and extremely dysfunctional.

She was fine with my existence as long as he stayed and didn’t make her look bad.  She never said a word to anyone about me UNTIL he told her he was leaving.  Then she went crying to her mother in law like she hasn’t known about me for almost a year!!!!  That’s all she cared about.  She told him she would turn his kids and his family against him and I believe this selfish, self-absorbed would do exactly that.  She’s all surface and NO substance. I have spoken to her and she is as dumb as a rock and as deep as a puddle.  But when he finally told her he wanted out, then she asked him to go to counseling.  He had asked her over and over for the last 7 years and she refused.

I don’t think I really understood how screwed up he really is from all the years of physical (father) and mental (mother) abuse he suffered.  Those are his words, not mine. Then he went and married a woman who he has never been good enough for.  He has basically lived alone for years, unloved and miserable while she sleeps on the couch.  The last blowjob he got from her was  19 years ago on their HONEYMOON!!!!! Picture a little 70 year old italian lady asking her son, “Not even on your birthday??” LOL  Cannot make this stuff up folks.

But after all was said and done, he stayed and that was his choice.   He’s a sucker and he just can’t believe he’s wasted 2 decades on a frigid narcissist with a complete lack of empathy.  Last time I spoke to him was over a month ago. He said his Mom is “coaching” him and it’s helping him.  I swear it sounded like he was in a cult and it was really freaky.  He didn’t sound happy or helped.

I am trying to heal my heart and move on.  There are good days and bad days.  My husband has asked me to try and fix our marriage and I have agreed.  I don’t know what will happen but I would love to repair the damage.  But I am weary to trust him after so many years without physical love and intimacy.  I can’t spend more years in a sexless marriage.  Sex may not be everything, but it is important and necessary in some form.  At least for me.