Gosh this is hard to write. Now I know why I have been avoiding it for so long.
I had always been a pretty normal, happy-go-lucky kid. Then when I was 18, I had a root canal go terribly wrong. The infection was so severe, my whole face blew up and was unrecognizable. So 2 days before I was supposed to start college (a great school about 3 hours away where I was on academic scholarship) I ended up in the ER. Then it was back home for 2 weeks of heavy antibiotics, painkillers and rest.
A few months later, I noticed I was sleeping and crying a LOT. I thought maybe it was a bad case of homesickness or PMS. But I loved college and was having a ball. My classes were great, I had a good group of friends, and I was dating this really hot and sweet junior.
Things got serious very quickly. I couldn’t get out of bed and I was just in so much pain deep inside. It was like a black hole of despair was swallowing me up. What made it worse was that there was absolutely no reason for the sadness and pain. I had no idea what was happening to me and I was quickly losing all hope. I was having horrific thoughts and nothing worked. Everyone was really kind and tried to help, but there was nothing anyone could do.
I had told my Mom but like me she figured it was just normal homesickness. I finally decided I had to tell my parents when they came up for Parents Weekend. I will never forget sitting in this little cafe, just my Mom, my Dad and I. Of course I started sobbing and shaking, cause that’s all I did during that time. My Mom hugged me and my Dad said, “Are you expecting?” I stopped crying and as one my Mom and I turned to him, utterly perplexed, and at the same time said, “Expecting what?” He thought I was pregnant and wanted me to know that they would always support me, no matter what. But no, I wasn’t even having sex. LOL
I went home that weekend and my Mom took me to our family doctor. After a bunch of tests and talking, I was eventually diagnosed with severe clinical depression caused by a chemical imbalance. Say WHAT!?!?!?! So does that mean I can’t drink at parties I asked. I really had no idea how much my whole life had just changed.
Depression runs in my Mom’s family but I am the only lucky lottery winner in my immediate family. Yay me LOL. They think between the infection, all the antibiotics, and painkillers, it triggered a genetic predisposition. Who knows?
All I know is I had to leave school and was basically a human vegetable for the next 6 months.
Thanks for being yourself like that. Very brave. I’ve been struggling with sharing a similar story, no diagnosis but similar.
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Thanks. I’m always myself silly. I’d post my pic if not for the relationship stuff lol. But anytime someone wants a pic, I have no problem sending one. Feels weird “hiding”.
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I’m sorry I meant “baring” yourself. No pic needed
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Lol I know. I meant everyone shows their face
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Depression has been the same for me too. Relationships seem to be malformed by it. It is almost as if I’m compelled to find someone as messed up as I am. I understand your darkness. Thanks for sharing.
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Well it definitely helps to have someone there to help you when you’re not feeling strong. Just remember depression doesn’t define us. Sending you hugs and good thoughts!
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😊
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It does. Humans are so predictable – even me.
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Once more into the breach, dear friends! That’s what comes to mind when I read your blog. Jeeze mine must be a deja vu for you.
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Different but the same if that makes any sense at all.
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Definitely! Actually most people would never know and find it hard to believe when told.
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That’s a tough hand to draw, Emma. Particularly for someone who had been happy-go-lucky to suddenly find themselves spiraling into depression. My grandfather was a terrific man. He also committed suicide when he was in his early 40s. Growing up, I heard many times “Oh,you remind me so much of “Grandpa Tommy!” I know it was meant as a compliment, but inside I carried a quiet fear that I was pre-dispositioned for his same fate. I am now in my late 40s and still a happy-go-lucky type, but the fear still lingers at times.
None of us knows what genetic trip-switch is waiting to be triggered. All know is that there is strength in what you are doing by acknowleding it to yourself and others. Fears fester in shadows; keeping them in the light — accepting them, learning to deal with them and sharing that knwoledge with others — is the best way to dispell that fear. For yourself and others.
In short: Bravo 😉
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Thank you! I am glad you avoided that fate. Definitely not something I would wish on anyone. I know I am extremely lucky and have been on the same meds for almost 10 years.
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I’m so glad to hear that. Recognizing “the lucky stuff” in life shows you’re still happy-go-lucky at heart 😉
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