My Life with Depression (Part 1)

Gosh this is hard to write.  Now I know why I have been avoiding it for so long.

I had always been a pretty normal, happy-go-lucky kid.  Then when I was 18, I had a root canal go terribly wrong.  The infection was so severe, my whole face blew up and was unrecognizable.  So 2 days before I was supposed to start college (a great school about 3 hours away where I was on academic scholarship) I ended up in the ER. Then it was back home for 2 weeks of heavy antibiotics, painkillers and rest.

A few months later, I noticed I was sleeping and crying a LOT.  I thought maybe it was a bad case of homesickness or PMS.  But I loved college and was having a ball.  My classes were great, I had a good  group of friends, and I was dating this really hot and sweet junior.

Things got serious very quickly.  I couldn’t get out of bed and I was just in so much pain deep inside.  It was like a black hole of despair was swallowing me up.  What made it worse was that there was absolutely no reason for the sadness and pain.  I had no idea what was happening to me and I was quickly losing all hope.  I was having horrific thoughts and nothing worked.  Everyone was really kind and tried to help, but there was nothing anyone could do.

I  had told my Mom but like me she figured it was just normal homesickness.  I finally decided I had to tell my parents when they came up for Parents Weekend. I will never forget sitting in this little cafe, just my Mom, my Dad and I.  Of course I started sobbing and shaking, cause that’s all I did during that time.  My Mom hugged me and my Dad said, “Are you expecting?”  I stopped crying and as one my Mom and I turned to him, utterly perplexed, and at the same time said, “Expecting what?”  He thought I was pregnant and wanted me to know that they would always support me, no matter what. But no, I wasn’t even having sex. LOL

I went home that weekend and my Mom took me to our family doctor.  After a bunch of tests and talking, I was eventually diagnosed with severe clinical depression caused by a chemical imbalance.  Say WHAT!?!?!?!   So does that mean I can’t drink at parties I asked.  I really had no idea how much my whole life had just changed.

Depression runs in my Mom’s family but I am the only lucky lottery winner in my immediate family.  Yay me LOL.  They think between the infection, all the antibiotics, and painkillers, it triggered a genetic predisposition.  Who knows?

All I know is I had to leave school and was basically a human vegetable for the next 6 months.

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15 thoughts on “My Life with Depression (Part 1)

  1. eggertl2 says:

    Depression has been the same for me too. Relationships seem to be malformed by it. It is almost as if I’m compelled to find someone as messed up as I am. I understand your darkness. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    That’s a tough hand to draw, Emma. Particularly for someone who had been happy-go-lucky to suddenly find themselves spiraling into depression. My grandfather was a terrific man. He also committed suicide when he was in his early 40s. Growing up, I heard many times “Oh,you remind me so much of “Grandpa Tommy!” I know it was meant as a compliment, but inside I carried a quiet fear that I was pre-dispositioned for his same fate. I am now in my late 40s and still a happy-go-lucky type, but the fear still lingers at times.

    None of us knows what genetic trip-switch is waiting to be triggered. All know is that there is strength in what you are doing by acknowleding it to yourself and others. Fears fester in shadows; keeping them in the light — accepting them, learning to deal with them and sharing that knwoledge with others — is the best way to dispell that fear. For yourself and others.

    In short: Bravo 😉

    Liked by 2 people

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