Control, Fear and Mistakes

This post is raw, brutal and honest.

I can only control what I think and feel. I’m so sorry you were too scared to take a chance on us. Because we will never know just how special and wonderful it could’ve been.

Life is about choices and you were a complete coward. I wasn’t wrong for believing in you and us. I took a leap of faith and I will never regret that.  The only regrets in life are the chances we didn’t take.

That’s what I have been struggling with. Thinking I made a mistake. But I didn’t. The mistake was YOURS for not believing in yourself and in us. Your family would’ve gotten over it or they wouldn’t.

You just were too damaged to choose the life you were meant to have INSTEAD of the life THEY chose for you.

You haven’t forgotten me. If anything, you can’t forget me and its only gotten harder to stay away. I was the light in your life.

The one purely good loving relationship you have ever had or ever will have. The only person who loved you unconditionally (like your mother should’ve but doesn’t). Who loved you with all your flaws, weaknesses and huge laundry list of issues both physical and mental.

But because your Mother never made you feel good enough, you chose a frigid, emotionally and physically withholding, narcissistic wife for whom you will NEVER be good enough.

And the truly sick part is you had a chance to escape the hell you live in!!! But no, you chose to stay and continue to beg and scrape for a few crumbs of affection.

It’s truly horrific and pathetic. You had a chance to be happy and to be better. But nope not for you. U enjoy making everything harder and more difficult.

It’s totally exhausting and completely unnecessary. It’s why people shun you and don’t want to be around you. But unlike everyone else, I listened to you. I supported and comforted you more times than I can count.  You were there for me too and I will cherish all our many adventures.

I am your soulmate and you are mine. You showed me that. But sometimes soulmates are not meant to spend their lives together.  I understand that now.  Maybe you will do better in your next life. Because in this one I just could never trust or believe in us the way I need to. The way I used to.

For us there will be no fairytale ending. You showed me the kind of man you truly are. A weak man easily controlled and dominated by others who would rather live alone, full of sadness and regret, than risk losing people that care nothing about his happiness.

I stood up to your Mother for you in a way NO ONE EVER HAS. Even after all you had done and the pain you caused, I had enough courage and loyalty to defend you like no one ever had before or ever will again.

So you don’t get another chance for my love.

I may not have closure but at least I have no regrets. You get to live every single day wondering if things could have been different, been better.  I think a life filled with love, support and acceptance is always worth fighting for.

You had 3 affairs over 7 years.  Just because I’m the only one you fell in love with doesn’t negate the others. Whatever made you think you had a marriage worth saving?? For your kids?!? They are both completely fucked up because they see a horribly screwed up relationship AND THINK THAT’S WHAT MARRIAGE IS!?! 2 people who don’t like one another and show little to no affection or love!!!! Yeah great job Dad!

The saddest part of all is that you sacrificed your life for NOTHING! Just to fuck up your kids worse than if you had left the marriage, been happy and still been there for them everyday.  I never once in all the time we were together failed to put them first.  They are the most important people in your life and I’m sorry she threatened to turn them against you.

Your son is a kind person.  But he’s also 17 going on 10.  You keep him as stifled and bound as your parents kept you. And your daughter has all the characteristics of a sociopath. Teachers and even her principal have told you she needs psychological help and you refuse to listen.  Because then people would know and the frigid one cares more about what people think than getting her daughter the help she so desperately needs. You must be so proud.

I’m so tired of caring and worrying about someone that just doesn’t matter. I mean if the people who have known you all your life think you’re a chooch, they must know something I don’t right?

I have never in all my 40 years ever heard of a mother who chooses someone over their own son! That’s disgusting so either she’s completely fucked up or you are. I think it’s both.

I can only imagine the years of disappointment and complete dysfunction you saved me from. I wouldn’t wish that pack of jackals on my worst enemy.

But I would’ve been kind to them anyway because I loved you. I only wanted us to be happy together. I guess because you don’t love yourself enough, you never really believed I loved you.  They said I would leave you to scare you but you believed it.  Control through fear, bullying, intimidation and lies IS NOT LOVE.

This journal is my closure. I’m sorry you’re so weak and sick. I hope you get better and it’s getting easier and easier to forget you and the love we once shared.

Soon the only memory of it (for me, not you) will be on these pages.

You chose a person who you can barely stand. A woman completely opposite of me. Not loving, sweet, giving or kind. You truly are batshit crazy and I don’t miss all the bullshit you live with and create.  We used to laugh and marvel at the fact that your crazy fit my crazy lol.

Mine is a life of love, light, kindness, authenticity and laughter. While yours is all lies, smoke, mirrors, acting and pretend.

Your marriage will end or you will cheat again. It’s who you are and what you do. You go as long as you can without even basic human affection (as well as sex).  Then you crack and bam another affair.

Most people learn from their mistakes. But you are either too stubborn or stupid. You do the same things over and over and over again, always expecting different results. That’s insanity but that’s you. Always has been and I guess it always will be.

Affairs aren’t the answer and 1 was enough to show me that.  Anything that has to be done in secret isn’t worth doing.