If You Care aka Ten Steps Forward and One Step Back

If You Care About Someone, Remember It Every Day

This is so serious. If you care about someone, really care about them, remember it every day. Remember it on bad days especially. Remember it in fights. Remember it when you’re happy. Appreciate it. Love it. Be it. Live it. Feel it. Because you have no idea when it will be gone. There are only so many chances. And if you do forget and you do something stupid. You’d better fight for it. Fight as hard as you can. As hard as you can doesn’t mean until it is a detriment to you, but until you’re sure it won’t be. True love will always be true love and if you lose it, you’re going to regret it. 

~Brigitte Nicole

Okay, so I cried a little last night. I think I was mourning the loss of a dream that will never ever be.  Although my head has known this for months and I think I have fully accepted this reality, I now realize my heart still held a glimmer of hope.  It really was the most beautiful dream.  A dream full of love, joy, happiness, understanding, acceptance and obviously lots of yummy sex lol.  But it was not meant to be, not with P.

Love is everything. But love is also about the choices we make. I fought for us and he thinks he did too but he didn’t, that’s total crap. And that’s okay. I loved with my whole heart and soul, maybe for the first time ever. I think that’s why I’m getting better and he’s getting worse. I have no regrets for following my heart.   The only thing I regret is the hurt it caused my husband.

After speaking to P, I have forgiven him. I just do not have the luxury of forgetting all the pain and heartbreak I went through because of HIS choice to change his mind and remain alone and unloved.  I understand he thought he was doing what was best for his kids and I respect his decision. But he said he is also enjoying knowing he did everything she asked and nothing has changed.  I told him he is a Martyr.  A man who sacrificed true love to keep his dysfunctional family together.  I couldn’t refrain from telling him he needs to get a big wooden cross and when he feels unloved and unappreciated, he can get up and nail himself to it!!

I most likely wouldn’t survive another go round with him and that’s the truth. I am generally not a self-destructive person. Then there is P and a good friend of mine. They do the same thing over and over again and honestly expect different results!! That is insanity, and I am not insane.

The best thing I can do for EVERYONE (especially myself), the ONLY option that won’t lead to more heartache is to NOT initiate any contact (via any means including but not limited to talking, texting, messaging, emailing, facebook, skywriting, carrier pigeon, pony express, and to ignore him if he initiates.

I think it’s good that he has been going to counseling every week (usually by himself, but hey not my business right?) What struck me was the fact that he has spent far more time changing his outside.  He has lost 35 lbs. as well as learned how to cook, do laundry and basically become a FANTASTIC 45 year old houseboy LOL.  I only wish he was working as diligently on his inside.  I mean his anxiety, non-existent self-esteem, his complete lack of independence and figuring out why he repeatedly chooses a frigid narcissist who has admitted she doesn’t do affection, doesn’t want sex and thinks of him as a friend.

I am ready to put all of this in the past and focus on my future.  I have to find a sex therapist for us to go to.  For someone with a pretty high sex drive, I seriously NEVER thought I would ever be saying that.  But I love my husband very much and I know he loves me.  He can drive me nuts and I know I am a huge pain in the ass sometimes.  We are not perfect, nor should we be. He has always chosen me, no matter what. He picks me up when I fall and he has the biggest heart and the best sense of humor.  We both owe it to one another to see if we can meet somewhere in the middle.  And we will do it without anyone waiting in the wings or in my heart.

It will be a different dream, but hopefully one just as wonderful.  Actually it will be better because it will be REAL 🙂

Advertisements

62 thoughts on “If You Care aka Ten Steps Forward and One Step Back

  1. DignityandStrength says:

    My only hope in sending you these posts is that you will gain a little more perspective on your situation…I have been crushed by my husbands decisions but I so wish with all my heart that “the other woman” could really have insight and not just care about her own hurt and ache but to see how she had part play in my heart being absolutely devastated as I truly was committed and growing more in love with my husband for 10 years. I was so blind sighted by both of them. I thought she was a really nice person and I thought my husband was my best friend. Affairs are no light matter they are nasty and delusional…kill me…divorce me, but don’t lie to me and cheat on me…You’re blunt and honest…then tell me you want to be with someone else and you want to leave…that’s blunt and that’s “honest” (I would call honesty a virtue, which in this case I don’t see any virtue)…just don’t lie is all I’m asking…You know what I’m saying?
    https://valiantdignityandstrength.wordpress.com/2015/05/02/reading-the-letter-over-again-that-he-sent-to-her-helps-me/

    Like

    • emmagc75 says:

      I appreciate your feedback and I am deeply sorry for your pain. That being said, I am in a completely different situation and I hope you can understand that. My ex’s wife is a frigid narcissist who refused to go to marriage counseling for 7 years and agreed ONLY when he told her he was leaving. The only apology I owe is to my husband.

      Like

      • DignityandStrength says:

        Thank you for taking the time to read what I sent you.
        I understand everyone’s situation is different. :/
        I read this wondering if that is how the other woman (in my situation) feels as well…she also said “no regrets”
        And I also wonder if your feelings are validating woman who have crushed women like me…(I adorrrred my husband, he lit up my life, put a twinkle in my eye, and by NO MEANS am I in the majority of women that has issues with my sex drive.) Anywho…are those women being validated by your blog? Just struck a cord with me (forgive me I have a lot of triggers…I’m not angry, just inquisitive)…I have not read your whole blog so I don’t have the scope of things…I read your “about” on your blog and then I wondered why you would like my “about” on my blog…sorry for all the words.

        Liked by 1 person

        • emmagc75 says:

          Wow she doesn’t regret sleeping with her friend’s husband? That’s kind of evil. My feelings and words are not meant to validate AFFAIRS. If u read my blog I say it a lot! Affairs cause nothing but pain. Triggers suck and I too was a betrayed wife and I remember how they strike without rhyme or reason.

          Liked by 1 person

        • emmagc75 says:

          I too adored my husband and he cheated. But I wasn’t friends with her and so it was different. U were betrayed by them both and I cannot fathom the depth of your pain. While I didn’t like her, SHE wasn’t my problem, he was. I honestly feel sorry for her. She was in a physically abusive marriage and this was her 3rd affair.

          Liked by 1 person

          • DignityandStrength says:

            I wasn’t friends with her…he would just paint her as a “nice” older woman, grandma, lesbian living with her girlfriend…someone that just didn’t mesh well with my husband…or so I thought. I met her once at a work picnic and she sent home multiple gifts for the baby…even sent a journal to the hospital via my husband the day after I had our baby (that he delivered) …that was the last time they had relations and that was the end of the affair.

            Like

            • emmagc75 says:

              How long since D day? My Mom was dying of cancer when he had the affair. I never thought I could stay with someone who lied n cheated but he begged me. He so was not the cheating type. His own Mother said out of her 3 sons, he was the one she would never believe capable. We went to counseling, together and separately. He was really open and honest, answered all my questions. I didn’t want to know the sick details but I needed to know to heal. It wasn’t easy.

              Liked by 1 person

              • DignityandStrength says:

                Not sure exactly what D day is…but he ended it sept 12 2012 and told me November 23 (somewhere around there?) BUT it was 2013. I am so sorry about your mom 😦 It’s at the time when we need them the most…same with my husband the least expected to do it.

                Liked by 1 person

              • DignityandStrength says:

                I asked a lot of the sick details because I like to know what I’m dealing with…I’m dealing with a person that is capable of incredibly evil evil evil things. But he was “honest” I suppose? I still think he’s hiding and a couple months ago caught him in a couple lies…SET BACK! I know that he didn’t fit in her that her hole was too big and that he fantasized she was some pornographic image. SO yeah. Love is weird…I invested my heart so much more than I thought…I told him I would leave him if he ever did this…even before we were married. Little did I know how horrible it could actually be…My heart was truly grounded in God’s love, because there is NOOOO way I could continue loving him…NO way.

                Like

                • emmagc75 says:

                  Omg yikes! How are you guys doing now? My husband used to call me from his parents phonefor about a year because he told so many lies, I believed nothing. If he said the sky was blue, I went and checked lol.

                  Like

                    • emmagc75 says:

                      He said he felt horrible for making me doubt myself but he was drowning and knew I’d leave him. But he stayed with me through the crying, screaming and the rage. It was horrible.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • DignityandStrength says:

                      And he should. It’s difficult because of the dynamics of your affair as well. Life is crazy and out of order. Both of your bodies are the Lord’s and I’m preaching to the choir here so I know I’m not exempt. OUR bodies are the Lord’s…and when married your body becomes your husbands and his yours…you are not to keep that from each other unless mutually agreed because of the lust in this world, because of temptation. 1 cor 7:3-5 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.…

                      Like

                    • DignityandStrength says:

                      the crying, screaming, rage…oh yeah…horrible it brought on self hatred…we’ll see in the next 5 years how he processes all that…since it took him 5 or 6 years to start wondering what it would be like to be with another woman.
                      Holding offense against me for joking around about stuff that he took seriously but never talked to me about it…like”I have to do my wifely duties (sex)”…um yeah he knows me…I want it more than he does, but he took it like I was just doing it because it was my wifely duty…when we first got married I would cry if he wasn’t up for it because I felt rejected…I wanted it more than he did.

                      Like

                    • emmagc75 says:

                      Gosh that sounds like my husband. Getting mad at me for being a smartass but NEVER telling me he was upset. Now he knows its ok to b angry or upset. Its not ok to push down his feelings cause it causes resentment.

                      Liked by 1 person

              • DignityandStrength says:

                counseling is good…we stopped getting it for about a year and things were getting out of hand…fights escalating…I asked him to leave for a few days…I didn’t know how long he would be out of the house…but it was until we had HIGH accountability, CLEAR cut boundaries, and intense counseling going. I see you read the post about the weapons…yes that is where it escalated to and I have the fight recorded so all I posted about our fight before I asked him to leave is accurate.

                Like

    • emmagc75 says:

      I approved this comment and read the other link of the letter to the ow. I’m so sorry for the pain they caused you. But your experience is not mine and I hope you can respect MY thoughts and feelings on my blog.

      Like

      • DignityandStrength says:

        I can agree your experience is different FOR SURE! I’ve read about some of your journey and that would be very difficult…and I’m glad that you agree affairs are not good for anyone. I think that helps me understand better.

        Liked by 1 person

        • emmagc75 says:

          I am definitely not the poster girl for ow or affairs lol. I am a good irish catholic who never ever expected to be a betrayed spouse or the ow. Both situations caused pain. I also could never and would never have an inappropriate relationship with a friend’s spouse. I don’t even friend them on Facebook lol.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. otherwomannomore says:

    “A man who sacrificed true love to keep his dysfunctional family together. I couldn’t refrain from telling him he needs to get a big wooden cross and when he feels unloved and unappreciated, he can get up and nail himself to it!!”

    I feel I could have wrote the same thing. I guarantee that is what B is feeling. I’d bet 1000 dollars on it.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. bipolarsojourner says:

    oh, you forgot morse code and rocket launches. don’t let those slip through the cracks. 😀

    if i may be so bold to suggest, take the energy that went to p, and pour it into you husband. I gotta say he sounds like a pretty swell guy. put p in the rear view mirror. I want to hear more about your husband, even if it is how he pisses you off. everyone does that sometime. you want to be with him forever; tell us why.

    if I came off to preachy make sure properly admonish me.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Miss Evelyn says:

    Sometimes I don’t know what to believe in anymore. I can’t tell the difference between the truth and the lies. They all seem to melt together into one. I don’t even know what love is, or true love for that matter.

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      I think it’s subjective. True love means different things to each of us Evelyn. For me, it was like finding a missing piece to a puzzle that I didn’t even realize wasn’t complete lol. It was putting someone else’s happiness before my own and accepting them for all their many weaknesses, quirks and faults. Loving them with your whole heart, even though they could shatter it. Which is what happened to me. It’s a risk, but I had no choice. He made me very happy once upon a time.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Miss Evelyn says:

        Thank you for your explanation, emmagc. I understand much more. Because giving yourself, your heart and then having it shattered is just the worst feeling in the world. I took a risk and you can never predict the ending. Now I wonder if I even want to be in relationships.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s