If You’ve Lost Her

I had to reblog this beautiful post.
Losing my Mom six years ago to cancer was the most painful time of my life. She was my heart and soul, my biggest cheerleader and just an amazing person. She touched so many people’s lives with her laughter, kindness and generosity. She taught me how to live with depression, even though she never suffered from it until after a stroke many years later. She also taught me to NEVER make apologies for having a chronic illness that was just a genetic luck of the draw.

The most difficult part was learning to exist in a world where she no longer did. I can readily admit I was lost for a while. She had this way of making everyone around her feel loved and special. Over 800 people attended her wake and funeral and I know she was smiling because while she didn’t really drink, she loved a good party lol.

Although there are still times the pain cuts like a knife and I forget how to breathe, those times are increasingly rare. Mostly I find myself so grateful to have had her as my Mom for 33 years.

Her love, life and laughter live in my heart forever! So if you are lucky enough to still have your Mom, call her today and say I love you. It’s a gift and a blessing.
Have a beautiful day xo

like baby bear soup

mommy and me

We share a bond, you and I, if you’ve lost her. If you have watched your dearest friend leave this world, I stand with you. If you have heard the words, “She’s gone” echo throughout your existence, you are not alone. If you have felt yourself break from top to bottom with the ceasing of that once beating heart beneath your mother’s chest, you are my sister.

I do not know your name. I do not know your story. I do not know the woman you long to hug, the hands you wish to hold, or the voice you pray to hear. I do, however, understand the reaches of your grief, how it spills into every part of who you are and what you do. I know of those sleepless nights and the days you simply breathe through because you don’t know how to live anymore. I know of the…

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If You Care aka Ten Steps Forward and One Step Back

If You Care About Someone, Remember It Every Day

This is so serious. If you care about someone, really care about them, remember it every day. Remember it on bad days especially. Remember it in fights. Remember it when you’re happy. Appreciate it. Love it. Be it. Live it. Feel it. Because you have no idea when it will be gone. There are only so many chances. And if you do forget and you do something stupid. You’d better fight for it. Fight as hard as you can. As hard as you can doesn’t mean until it is a detriment to you, but until you’re sure it won’t be. True love will always be true love and if you lose it, you’re going to regret it. 

~Brigitte Nicole

Okay, so I cried a little last night. I think I was mourning the loss of a dream that will never ever be.  Although my head has known this for months and I think I have fully accepted this reality, I now realize my heart still held a glimmer of hope.  It really was the most beautiful dream.  A dream full of love, joy, happiness, understanding, acceptance and obviously lots of yummy sex lol.  But it was not meant to be, not with P.

Love is everything. But love is also about the choices we make. I fought for us and he thinks he did too but he didn’t, that’s total crap. And that’s okay. I loved with my whole heart and soul, maybe for the first time ever. I think that’s why I’m getting better and he’s getting worse. I have no regrets for following my heart.   The only thing I regret is the hurt it caused my husband.

After speaking to P, I have forgiven him. I just do not have the luxury of forgetting all the pain and heartbreak I went through because of HIS choice to change his mind and remain alone and unloved.  I understand he thought he was doing what was best for his kids and I respect his decision. But he said he is also enjoying knowing he did everything she asked and nothing has changed.  I told him he is a Martyr.  A man who sacrificed true love to keep his dysfunctional family together.  I couldn’t refrain from telling him he needs to get a big wooden cross and when he feels unloved and unappreciated, he can get up and nail himself to it!!

I most likely wouldn’t survive another go round with him and that’s the truth. I am generally not a self-destructive person. Then there is P and a good friend of mine. They do the same thing over and over again and honestly expect different results!! That is insanity, and I am not insane.

The best thing I can do for EVERYONE (especially myself), the ONLY option that won’t lead to more heartache is to NOT initiate any contact (via any means including but not limited to talking, texting, messaging, emailing, facebook, skywriting, carrier pigeon, pony express, and to ignore him if he initiates.

I think it’s good that he has been going to counseling every week (usually by himself, but hey not my business right?) What struck me was the fact that he has spent far more time changing his outside.  He has lost 35 lbs. as well as learned how to cook, do laundry and basically become a FANTASTIC 45 year old houseboy LOL.  I only wish he was working as diligently on his inside.  I mean his anxiety, non-existent self-esteem, his complete lack of independence and figuring out why he repeatedly chooses a frigid narcissist who has admitted she doesn’t do affection, doesn’t want sex and thinks of him as a friend.

I am ready to put all of this in the past and focus on my future.  I have to find a sex therapist for us to go to.  For someone with a pretty high sex drive, I seriously NEVER thought I would ever be saying that.  But I love my husband very much and I know he loves me.  He can drive me nuts and I know I am a huge pain in the ass sometimes.  We are not perfect, nor should we be. He has always chosen me, no matter what. He picks me up when I fall and he has the biggest heart and the best sense of humor.  We both owe it to one another to see if we can meet somewhere in the middle.  And we will do it without anyone waiting in the wings or in my heart.

It will be a different dream, but hopefully one just as wonderful.  Actually it will be better because it will be REAL 🙂

Why NC is necessary!

Wow I just found this in my drafts. I wrote this last month. I was so delusional to ever think talking to him would do anything but bring me down. I am so much happier without all the crazy bullshit!

I don’t even know where to begin. I was fine with the way P and I left things on Tuesday. I got answers and closure. Basically he said he is now experiencing the horrible sadness, loneliness and pain that I did when we broke up. Except while mine got better, his is getting worse.

Wednesday I honestly wish I had just ignored him. I hadn’t slept much the night before and was not expecting further contact.  I think he was embarrassed for crying the day before because he was weird.  He kept alternating between asking me if we could ever be together and trying to make me think I still wanted to be with him because I love him so much.  When I said I used to love him past tense, he said he’s not ready to leave and he has hope she can change and be affectionate.  It took me back to November and I actually started crying.

The most important part is that I have to find a way to tell my husband that I spoke to P.  Knowing that I was getting prepared to leave him back in November devastated him. His greatest fear is that I will go back to P and leave.  I see now how completely selfish and disrespectful it was to speak to him.

I will continue to go where the love is.