Into The Fire

walking into fire

 

Today is P’s birthday.  The addict in me wants to unblock him and make contact.  My brain actually tries to come up with valid reasons and excuses! Thankfully, I know it is full of crap lol.  And really, to what end?  It would just do more harm to both of us, especially me.  So instead of doing something I would absolutely regret, I am blogging about it.

I almost cannot believe it has been 6 months since we have seen one another.  I saw him almost every single week, sometimes twice.  He took me to Radio City Music Hall for a concert for my birthday last year and we went away for 3 days together for his last spring.   We met 2 years ago this week. And while I still miss him so much it hurts sometimes, I do not miss the chaos and dysfunction that permeates his life. I do not miss the addictive way I craved his love.

I really thought he was someone who treasured my heart. Someone who would never abuse my trust and who cherished me. Ultimately, he couldn’t overcome all his fears and anxiety.   The simple fact is that he could and did hurt me and himself.  Nothing can change that and while I have forgiven him, I cannot forget the broken promises and how easily he was controlled and bullied into submission.  Definitely not attractive in a person.

Now I don’t know what would’ve happened.  Maybe I would’ve been miserable dealing with all his problems and issues.  I guess we will never know.  It wasn’t my choice but I have had to come to terms and accept it.  We were always able to tackle any problem together, so I had faith.  He taught me how much joy and fun life has to offer and he says I taught him how to love.  That he never knew how much peace and happiness you could feel just sitting on a bench holding hands and watching the planes fly by.  My heart is almost healed and I am taking it day by day.

I think the one element that has been bothering me is this.  If he had any kind of loving, caring wife who genuinely cared about him and wanted to fix their marriage, I would be hurt but I would understand that decision.  But that is NOT what he has nor what he will ever have.  So so is not a very good person but she is a master at faking it as she has been doing it all her life.  She is a frigid, fake narcissist who uses fear, threats, lies and intimidation to manipulate, bully and control.  She lacks any real empathy and this will not change.  This codependent, dysfunctional relationship obviously works for them and they are welcome to it.  Not good enough to be happy but not terrible enough to leave.  A kind of permanent purgatory.

For me, life is too short not to be happy.

I know now he is back to a sex life consisting solely of porn on his Kindle and his hand.  I saw this cartoon and I could not help but think of him 😉

cartoon marriage funny

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96 thoughts on “Into The Fire

  1. uehobbyist says:

    The pain of staying the same has to be worse the pain of change in order for someone to leave. Sorry to see that you got hurt in the imbalance. Although it is good to see you are making your own choices. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. bipolarsojourner says:

    i honor and applaud you for taking form of self care instead of trying to contact p. i have found in my journey one of the bests ways to beat addition is through self-care. keep his number blocked and at the end of the day you can stand a little bit taller and little further from that part of your life. you can do it!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Whoresnotwelcome says:

    I can’t imagine how you feel because I am the other side of the coin. I am assuming that neither of you went looking for an affair, these things happen. I think the difference with you is that you didn’t set out to hurt. The OW in my life is estranged from her husband and actively seeks out married men and sets out to destroy their families. I loath women like her. I could never imagine you attacking your APs wife that’s for sure. It still must be hard for you at certain times and I admire you for resisting the urge to make contact. My husband had no such willpower. You are obviously committed to making your marriage work however difficult it is going to be. Just stay strong and fix your mind on what you have now and I know you will get there hun x

    Liked by 3 people

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thank you so very much. No I never ever expected to have an affair. I was just so lonely n sex starved and so was he. I have always been a friends b4 guys kind of chick. And nope I would never n have never attacked so so. 2 days after they had agreed to separate,she grabbed his phone, locked him out when he took garbage out, answered his phone and told me she had changed her mind, she would make his kids hate him n turn his family against him. I said nothing while she screamed. But she has a truly horrible voice. Picture an italian Rosie Perez lol. It was sooo annoying n she talked like a teen. She’s 45!

      Liked by 2 people

        • emmagc75 says:

          Him kids n it’s all he’s known. Her she doesn’t have to sleep with him n he lets her pretend all is perfect so she keeps her image. That’s most important to her. Luckily now his family finally knows and is seeing all the cracks in her facade. Only took what 20 years? Lol But that’s his fault for going along with the fake performances.

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      • angelmorals says:

        Don’t they all especially the weak ones… He should have been stronger for you and it sad that he rather be with someone who can never truly give him what he deserves. I know Alan has hurt me but I have as well. However, we both have learned from it and work on getting on the right pathway. Even though he is married but I admire him for staying with his wife and love that he will make sure she lives a comfortable life. By comfortable she is older and not in great health, and financial stability makes them still stick together and I love that he puts that before anything else.

        Liked by 1 person

          • angelmorals says:

            Not many… that is for sure… I always give myself a 3 chance rule it works both ways… I feel that because you are in a relationship and just understanding each other but this is big and different…so there really isn’t a good answer expect what you feel deep inside of you… Like I said Alan and I have had our issues and yet, we both learn from it.

            Liked by 1 person

              • angelmorals says:

                True, I agree with you completely…. sometimes the heart does not want to listen to the mind that knows the reality of everything.. I know the moment I listen to my heart I was screwed especially since I was not planning on anything like this to be happening to me… However, I do believe people are entitle to make mistakes even if they are painful its how you want to react that matters…

                Liked by 1 person

                • emmagc75 says:

                  Yes everyone is entitled to make mistakes. But if u are talking about someone else Angel, they aren’t entitled to blatantly lie and change facts to suit their “new story”, become a complete hypocrite then expect the rest of us to swallow that bs lol. That they aren’t entitled to do all the while saying they “aren’t involved” lol.

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                  • angelmorals says:

                    That is why I said when it comes to affairs that does not apply… I honesty, do believe and have spoken to a married friend who is a male and asked him why they hypocrite of lying and bullshitting the AP. He claims that sometimes they do mean it in their hearts but only when its in the heat passion but as soon as reality hits that’s totally different. However, that men/females who straight off lie are the ones in more misery than others and you should run for they will never tell you the truth and will always make up a “New Story to fit their own fantasies” That’s coming from a man who has been in affair for 8 years with the woman he loves but knows can never offer her the life she deserves…

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • angelmorals says:

                      Than I am totally lost now… see what happens when you work and try to get on WP… sorry… yes, 8 year affair and she has been married twice and working on getting divorce again… He will not leave his kids because he knows what it felt like to have his father not around but we have gotten into great heated conversations about how this is not fair to his wife and his mistress. However, I do give him lots of credit for he never really lied to his wife by that I mean that he never told his wife that he will stop being his mistress friend and always avoids the question. I tell him it is not fair that he should leave his wife to give her the chance to find the one who can truly be with her.

                      Liked by 1 person

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