Out of the Fire and into the Frying Pan


He emailed me Thursday and I didn’t see it until Saturday.  Nothing much, just about kids, how he doesn’t go on facebook or text and email much anymore, and then he wrote “I really hope from the bottom of my heart that things are better for you.” What the hell does that even mean?!?

I will never truly understand how he went from saying he had me “securely in his mind, heart and soul” and wanting a life with me to days later he was going to stay and go to counseling.  He asked her for 7 years to go n she only agreed after he said he wanted a divorce. It just hurts n makes me feel sad. It will always feel like he chose her over me. I know it’s not that simple. He adores his kids and he has anxiety disorder n MS. He’s fine and you would never know he has it but it’s still there and effects his daily life.  His kids are 17 n 13. They know nothing of a real loving relationship because they don’t see one. She sleeps on the couch most nights and he takes care of the kids.  And that’s fine.  She also knew about me almost from the very beginning. A few months ago she even asked why he couldn’t just keep using porn like he’s always done all these years (instead of sex)!!

It just wasn’t the normal “affair” relationship at all.  I even spoke to his Mom after we broke up because she asked to speak to me. Said she wanted to talk to the woman her son was so in love with.  But that’s a story for another time LOL.

We actually fought more than we did with our spouses lol.  I didn’t let him get away with stuff and he didn’t let me.  We also had totally different communication styles (mine is extensive while his was non-existent lol) and it took us a while to meet somewhere in the middle.  We supported one another and I would like to think that we fulfilled one another, at least until the end.

Do I sometimes wish things had been different, that he had been braver and had more faith in himself and us?  Of course I do.  He was very special to me for almost 2 years.  We made one another happier than I ever knew was even possible, but it was definitely NOT that oh this affair is all fantasy and not real life kind of happy lol.  I got him to go back into pain management for his back pain.  I helped him refinance his mortgage.  

So and so and her brother-in-law used to compliment him on how sickly toned and taut his legs are. I realized that his legs weren’t just really strong and cut, it is a common symptom of the MS and NOT a good thing!!! Spasticity is a state of increased tone of a muscle (and an increase in the deep tendon reflexes). For example, with spasticity of the legs (spastic paraplegia) there is an increase in tone of the leg muscles so they feel tight and rigid, like they are about to snap.  It can be be very painful if not treated.  He went on baclofen and it helps him a lot. All she cared about was that they looked good!! Wtf?!?

People say oh an Affair is just fantasy, there’s no real life distractions, issues, or problems.   Yes maybe for most but that was most definitely NOT our experience!  If it was supposed to be like a fantasy, with just sex and room service, then I really want a refund. LOL

I am happy to not have to deal with all the dysfunctional bullshit in his life and being treated like an emotional yo-yo. In the end, he was a cake eater.  He wanted to keep me as his love and her as his marriage/parenting partner.  And in the end he has lost us both.  She might be there in body, but that’s all.  In 20 years she’s never truly loved him, why start now?

I will not email him back because there’s nothing more to say. In many ways, the man I loved and adored is gone and there is a stranger in his place. Not the man who called me his soulmate and the love of his life.  I don’t know this person and because of his choices, I have no reason to.

Our story is over and our time is up. I just wish my heart would get the message and finally let go. His gave up a long time ago.

35 thoughts on “Out of the Fire and into the Frying Pan

  1. HeavyCloud says:

    Your words made me feel deeply sad. I sometimes behaved like P. I’m sure that my own Emma thinks just like you. Still, I thank you for this: sometimes we lock ourselves in our own world, where we can assume that we are right and where people around us keep on telling us the same. You pulled me out of this comfort zone, maybe it’s not a step towards healing, still it’s a step ahead … 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  2. KatieComeBack says:

    IMO his email is an attempt to keep the string….to keep himself in your mind. I always had better luck pretending the dude had died – I blocked all avenues of contact, did my mourning, and tried to be fabulous (even if I wasn’t feeling it.)

    Your post is giving him a lot more credit than he likely deserves. He’s flawed, just as we all are. Focus on the fabulousness that is YOU instead!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Laura S (I Can Do It) says:

    He is a cake eater, so he might get another, which would hurt even more, but that is what a cake eater does – I say you keep writing and keep pushing yourself to let go. Baby steps in the right direction, till your free.


  4. Recovering WS says:

    He may have loved you as much as he said he did. Maybe still.
    The good news is that you can now get some distance and space from him and this. I would not entertain any more contact with him. It will retard your progress in getting him out of your system. You need to tell him directly “do not contact me any more.” Block him on your phone, email, FB, whatever it takes. It’s not out of a need for revenge, but instead self-interest. You have to stop the cycle. You cannot be a victim of his vacillations. And he will vacillate. Most people pulling out of an intense affair do. Like a pendulum.

    Just let it go. Let HIM go. One step at a time. One day at a time

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thank you for the good advice. I have blocked and it is definitely out of self-interest. He will continue to vacillate, yes. I am taking it one day at a time and appreciating the love I have.


  5. loveandwanderingfeet says:

    wow. heartbreaking. i loves the sex and room service part. I want a refund too, damnit! thanks for sharing your heart.


  6. The V-Pub says:

    A difficult situation, to be sure. In some way, his indecisiveness is the root of so many aspects of this situation (if I’m reading this correctly). Time cures all – I’ve learned that!


  7. Felicity says:

    Aww hugs. It is such a tough journey. You are doing so well. Anything that lasts for a significant time has a good dose of reality and arguments in it. Lol. And there is no fantasy in those arguments! Ha 😉 x

    Liked by 1 person

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