Houston, We Have Contact.

Uggh!  Why did I pick up that stupid phone?  He had emailed, called my work, my home and my cell.  I was good and ignored, but he wouldn’t let it go until he spoke to me.  Told me he has been miserable and is getting separated.  He misses me and could we just meet for dinner?  I laughed and said NO WAY!  I said it twenty different ways over the next 2 days.  But we did talk and laughed for about an hour.  And that’s all it took for my addicted brain to get rehooked!!!

Then we spoke the next day and he told me he was really upset because his son who never cries, cried all night when he found out about the separation.  He is scared to hurt the kids and now she wants to try (I guess the last 7 months were just practice?) because it upset her too.

I understand that this is extremely difficult and whatever he decides he feels he’s doing something wrong.  If he stays, she will never be anything more than a really nice roommate.  She hasn’t shown him love and affection in 20 years, she won’t start now.  If he goes, he feels like he failed, broke up his family and hurt his kids for his own happiness.  It’s a no win situation.  And I want no part of it.

So the best thing I can do for myself and for him is to take myself out of the equation.  Time is what he needs and time is what he shall get.  I choose NOT to be in his life, now or in the future.  I’ve thought about this long and hard.  I needed to be really honest with myself.

I don’t want to be with him for a lot of reasons.  I don’t trust him anymore and I don’t think I would ever be willing to take the chance necessary to make a successful relationship.  How could I ever be happy with someone that continues to make such shitty choices?  Most importantly, I would always feel like second choice to a frigid narcissist and that just wouldn’t make me happy.  Life is way too short to put up with such bullshit lol.

It’s funny, all his health problems, anxiety disorder, quirky fussiness, etc. never diminished my love for him.  But the fact that he could hurt me so much and be okay with himself?  Like there’s something wrong with me for having been so shattered? That says a lot about a person. That kind of made me finally admit that he’s not the man I thought he was.  He should stay with so so and pretend he’s happy for the rest of his life.

My choice is my H, who has never ever made me feel like second choice and who has never left me, even when things were rough.

Goodbye P and good luck.  I don’t need to know how your story ends because I know it won’t be with me. For the first time in 7 months knowing that doesn’t hurt, it makes me happy.

I actually told him to go where the love is lol. For me that is a bright and happy future with my husband. I am finally at peace. He needs to find his own.

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57 thoughts on “Houston, We Have Contact.

    • emmagc75 says:

      LOL That is the fun. Mine is part marriage, part healing after affair, part about depression, part positive thinking and being happy n part whatever the hell i am thinking about lol. Feel free, it makes me smile when people do. I really have to look into trademarking that phrase heehee.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. sonofabeach96 says:

    Actually, I’m new to the whole blogosphere in general. Finding it cathartic. Both to write about, ya know, stuff, and to be able to be so bare bones honest with myself. It’s an odd dichotomy, being able to tell your life’s story, good and bad, to complete strangers while being mostly anonymous. Very interesting dynamic.
    And, thanks for your comments and for following my humble musings. I’m honored. I now have two whole followers. Didnt expect to have any.

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Welcome! I started this blog last year but didn’t start posting til about 4 months ago. It has been a tremendous help while healing a broken heart and dealing with various struggles. I honestly didn’t expect to have any either lol. Thought it would just be an online journal. But there are so many amazing people here and I am blessed to have over 300 followers. Good luck in your journey xo

      Like

  2. KatieComeBack says:

    Kudos to you for calling him out on being selfish. He wants to have his cake and eat it too…and still lose 25 pounds. He can’t see why that won’t work, but happily, it is no longer your job or your problem to explain. FREE!

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      He’s not bad Katie and actually not a cake eater. He’s really just worried about his kids and scared of making a mistake. He’s also addicted to the cycle of abuse he’s lived with for almost 2 decades.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. bipolarsojourner says:

    when i first started reading this post, a large wave of worry and concern came over me. I thought for sure i’d want to admonish your decision and i like people to make their own decision since it’s their decision.

    then, i got to the good part! i honor you for the decision you made! i’m kind of excited by it, too. i don’t completely understand why, but maybe because i’m excite for your journey with your husband.

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      I’m sorry I worried you! Honestly, I worried myself too lol. I will need to post still working through my addiction. Better on here than to him. But yes I’m going where the love is n that is NOT with him. Its with my hubby 🙂

      Like

      • bipolarsojourner says:

        well, is feel like a concern. i know you are trying to break free from p, and doing a good job, mine you, and you don’t need him trying to suck you back. he tried but you stay on this side of the event horizon.

        event horizon: the point where something gets to close to a black hole and cannot escape its gravitational pull. p is the black hole; stay on this side of the event horizon. (good, i’ve dispensed my theory of general relativity for the day.) 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. LilyReborn says:

    You are my hero. For real. I’m so proud of you and your choices. And he needs to man up and figure his own shit out with himself before adding anyone to the mess of himself.

    It does sound like P is more addicted than you ever were, and you sound like you’ve just let go and are at peace. I’m . . . almost there. Almost. I worry if Brian ever called and really begged, and told me he was really ready – I might hesitate. I don’t want to hesitate. I want to be in a place I know I’d slam the door in his face and give him the finger. Some days it’s two steps forward, one step back. Still, it’s progress. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thank you my dear sweet wonderful friend! U are my hero being strong n doing what’s best for those wonderful little girls. U have come so far all on your own. Of course my heart wanted to say yes there’s a chance or yes I will meet u lol. But my head said are u friggin kidding me? Heehee.

      Liked by 3 people

  5. New Journey says:

    Glad your finally healing, it has to feel good to move on….glad your enjoying your H…….change your number and all your electronic devices so you can really be done…once and for all….just a thought….k

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Whoresnotwelcome says:

    I started reading and thought oh dear. I was afraid that you were going to suffer more pain. I think you needed to meet to be absolutely sure that staying in your own marriage was the right thing for you. I can’t see him ever leaving and if he did you would end up being dragged into all the trauma of it all. Good for you. I hope now the future will be good for you x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Felicity says:

    I hope he learns to leave you alone. I think he is as addicted (if not more) than you! Good for you. Love you told him to go where the love is lol. Life is short. Great thought processes. x

    Liked by 1 person

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