Uggh! Why did I pick up that stupid phone? He had emailed, called my work, my home and my cell. I was good and ignored, but he wouldn’t let it go until he spoke to me. Told me he has been miserable and is getting separated. He misses me and could we just meet for dinner? I laughed and said NO WAY! I said it twenty different ways over the next 2 days. But we did talk and laughed for about an hour. And that’s all it took for my addicted brain to get rehooked!!!
Then we spoke the next day and he told me he was really upset because his son who never cries, cried all night when he found out about the separation. He is scared to hurt the kids and now she wants to try (I guess the last 7 months were just practice?) because it upset her too.
I understand that this is extremely difficult and whatever he decides he feels he’s doing something wrong. If he stays, she will never be anything more than a really nice roommate. She hasn’t shown him love and affection in 20 years, she won’t start now. If he goes, he feels like he failed, broke up his family and hurt his kids for his own happiness. It’s a no win situation. And I want no part of it.
So the best thing I can do for myself and for him is to take myself out of the equation. Time is what he needs and time is what he shall get. I choose NOT to be in his life, now or in the future. I’ve thought about this long and hard. I needed to be really honest with myself.
I don’t want to be with him for a lot of reasons. I don’t trust him anymore and I don’t think I would ever be willing to take the chance necessary to make a successful relationship. How could I ever be happy with someone that continues to make such shitty choices? Most importantly, I would always feel like second choice to a frigid narcissist and that just wouldn’t make me happy. Life is way too short to put up with such bullshit lol.
It’s funny, all his health problems, anxiety disorder, quirky fussiness, etc. never diminished my love for him. But the fact that he could hurt me so much and be okay with himself? Like there’s something wrong with me for having been so shattered? That says a lot about a person. That kind of made me finally admit that he’s not the man I thought he was. He should stay with so so and pretend he’s happy for the rest of his life.
My choice is my H, who has never ever made me feel like second choice and who has never left me, even when things were rough.
Goodbye P and good luck. I don’t need to know how your story ends because I know it won’t be with me. For the first time in 7 months knowing that doesn’t hurt, it makes me happy.
I actually told him to go where the love is lol. For me that is a bright and happy future with my husband. I am finally at peace. He needs to find his own.
This was so good to read. I needed a reminder of some of these realities this morning. Go where the love is. Great advice !
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I’m glad. I hope it helped. I’m looking into trademarking it lol. Have a great day!
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Thanks! Not sure where it’s going. Guess that’s what makes it so fun. Stay strong. I’m going steal your phrase, but, go where the love is.
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LOL That is the fun. Mine is part marriage, part healing after affair, part about depression, part positive thinking and being happy n part whatever the hell i am thinking about lol. Feel free, it makes me smile when people do. I really have to look into trademarking that phrase heehee.
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Actually, I’m new to the whole blogosphere in general. Finding it cathartic. Both to write about, ya know, stuff, and to be able to be so bare bones honest with myself. It’s an odd dichotomy, being able to tell your life’s story, good and bad, to complete strangers while being mostly anonymous. Very interesting dynamic.
And, thanks for your comments and for following my humble musings. I’m honored. I now have two whole followers. Didnt expect to have any.
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Welcome! I started this blog last year but didn’t start posting til about 4 months ago. It has been a tremendous help while healing a broken heart and dealing with various struggles. I honestly didn’t expect to have any either lol. Thought it would just be an online journal. But there are so many amazing people here and I am blessed to have over 300 followers. Good luck in your journey xo
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Cheers to us and our futures!
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Cheers! 🙂
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Just started following your blog, not really up to speed. But, I’m thrilled for you and your family that you chose this path. I’m not self pious or an angel by any means. But good choices by others inspire good choices from myself. Stay strong. Follow the love, right?
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Thank you! Well any questions, let me know. We follow so many blogs, it’s silly to expect people to go all the way back ya know? Lol I’m lucky I keep up on current posts 😉
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Kudos to you for calling him out on being selfish. He wants to have his cake and eat it too…and still lose 25 pounds. He can’t see why that won’t work, but happily, it is no longer your job or your problem to explain. FREE!
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He’s not bad Katie and actually not a cake eater. He’s really just worried about his kids and scared of making a mistake. He’s also addicted to the cycle of abuse he’s lived with for almost 2 decades.
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Well done you. Sounds like you’ve truly found peace and clarity. x
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Thnx! Some peace n clarity but im still an addict.
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But you have strength, such amazing strength. x
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Thank you but I was so much weaker 7 months ago. I just couldn’t believe he said he was leaving then went back. I was so naive. I didn’t think I would survive the pain or ever b happy again. Time heals. xo
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* thumbs up *
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Thnx!
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when i first started reading this post, a large wave of worry and concern came over me. I thought for sure i’d want to admonish your decision and i like people to make their own decision since it’s their decision.
then, i got to the good part! i honor you for the decision you made! i’m kind of excited by it, too. i don’t completely understand why, but maybe because i’m excite for your journey with your husband.
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I’m sorry I worried you! Honestly, I worried myself too lol. I will need to post still working through my addiction. Better on here than to him. But yes I’m going where the love is n that is NOT with him. Its with my hubby 🙂
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well, is feel like a concern. i know you are trying to break free from p, and doing a good job, mine you, and you don’t need him trying to suck you back. he tried but you stay on this side of the event horizon.
event horizon: the point where something gets to close to a black hole and cannot escape its gravitational pull. p is the black hole; stay on this side of the event horizon. (good, i’ve dispensed my theory of general relativity for the day.) 🙂
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Lol u are always informative and I enjoy that. He actually thanked me for being strong. Hey u stay married to a crazy narcissist for 19 years n it screws you up lol.
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no, it been a month short of 24 years. oh, you weren’t talking about me, were you? I guess that’s my narcissistic tenancies showing through. I learned from the best. my mom could make anything about her.
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Oh crap lol. I hope ur kidding about the mrs. And sorry about your Mom 😦
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Cheers.
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Thnx back at ya
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amazing!
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Thanks 🙂
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Way to go! I’m glad that you’re also getting closure. 🙂
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Thanks Gibber. Been a long windy road but I keep moving forward 😉
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I know that’s not easy.
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No but that’s mostly because I feel so bad for the fool stuck in denial! But I will continue to express my feelings here not to him. I get peace without feeding my addiction.
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I understand. I have a whole family in denial. It sucks but I can’t force them to see it.
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Denial is a bitch lol
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It really is.
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People stay trapped n miserable because they can’t face the truth. Very sad.
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It is sad. Really sad.
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But sometimes you have to say a prayer and let them stay.
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That’s exactly it..and move forward ourselves. 🙂
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You are my hero. For real. I’m so proud of you and your choices. And he needs to man up and figure his own shit out with himself before adding anyone to the mess of himself.
It does sound like P is more addicted than you ever were, and you sound like you’ve just let go and are at peace. I’m . . . almost there. Almost. I worry if Brian ever called and really begged, and told me he was really ready – I might hesitate. I don’t want to hesitate. I want to be in a place I know I’d slam the door in his face and give him the finger. Some days it’s two steps forward, one step back. Still, it’s progress. 🙂
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Thank you my dear sweet wonderful friend! U are my hero being strong n doing what’s best for those wonderful little girls. U have come so far all on your own. Of course my heart wanted to say yes there’s a chance or yes I will meet u lol. But my head said are u friggin kidding me? Heehee.
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Glad your finally healing, it has to feel good to move on….glad your enjoying your H…….change your number and all your electronic devices so you can really be done…once and for all….just a thought….k
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That’s a great idea! But can’t change work #
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This absolutely a great idea! Cleanly break and never think of the “lovely dream” again. A determined break, cold turkey,will reaffirm your choice for yourself, not him.
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Thank you. I’m doing all that. But my brain isn’t cooperating with the never think of again part lol. Hopefully tomorrow will b easier xo.
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I’ve been right beside you, but in the past. I learned, painfully, that closing ones ears tightly, averting ones eyes and shutting out as many thoughts as possible was the only way to freedom from that attraction. ..you are not alone!
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Thank you! I am the exact opposite in that I see, hear, think and feel more than most. It is a blessing and a curse and my Mom was the same way. I have accepted this and I process through learning, information and self-discovery. But you are completely right. It would be so much easier to shut out the thoughts. And thank u for your kindness n support. It truly does make a difference in my life. Hugs xo
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*blushing* ty
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🙂
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I started reading and thought oh dear. I was afraid that you were going to suffer more pain. I think you needed to meet to be absolutely sure that staying in your own marriage was the right thing for you. I can’t see him ever leaving and if he did you would end up being dragged into all the trauma of it all. Good for you. I hope now the future will be good for you x
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Thank u so much! But I didn’t meet him. I stayed firm on that. He may leave one day n I hope he finds someone nice, just won’t be me lol
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I don’t blame you x
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It still hurts letting go of a lovely dream but I’m happy.
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Good choice for all reasons you identified. Narcissist is a word you used for him I think and just what I was thinking as I read.
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Thanks Chris! Actually he’s more codependent but also slightly narcissistic, she’s the narcissist
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I hope he learns to leave you alone. I think he is as addicted (if not more) than you! Good for you. Love you told him to go where the love is lol. Life is short. Great thought processes. x
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He will now. We just go round in circles and it made us both miserable. We both wish he never called actually. He’s addicted to that narcissist not me lol
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