What abusers hope we never learn about trauma bonding

I never knew that it was not only possible but common for someone to be so closely bonded and addicted to their narcissist spouse. It happens without them even realizing it. It is why so many choose to stay trapped, feeling alone, miserable and unloved for years, even decades.
It is not your fault but there is a way out. You can break free of the cycle of abuse and learn to love yourself again. But the first step is to see the truth and stop being in denial. The overt and/or covert narcissist will not change and things will never get better as long as you stay with them.

Avalanche of the soul

Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond – but you don’t need to be Houdini to escape.

Photo by Clearly Ambiguous Photo by Clearly Ambiguous

Traumatic bonding is a hit with abusers, because it helps him to maintain much-needed control. It helps him keep you where he wants you: tethered to him and his soul-destroying behaviour. But, the bond isn’t as iron-clad as he imagines. Here’s FIVE things he hopes you don’t know about traumatic-bonding, and how to shake off the shackles.

1. What is trauma bonding?

Traumatic-bonding is an intense attachment to your abuser. It happens when you feel emotionally and physically dependent upon a dominant partner – who dishes out abuse and rewards…

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39 thoughts on “What abusers hope we never learn about trauma bonding

  1. Louise Fowler says:

    Very important message. We must support those who can’t stand up for themselves and give them the courage to take their power back. Its a hard process but the power of many help those who cannot take those first steps alone. Thanks for enlightening us all, you go girl.

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thank you. This kind of abuse is much more subtle and manipulative. People go years feeling guilty and unhappy. Never knowing the person who is supposed to love them is the one abusing them. Very scary and sad. It needs to be discussed more.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Louise Fowler says:

        You are so very right. I know from where you come and the only way people will get up enough courage to leave this kind of relationship is if they know others understand and have their back. Your voice is very important. Take some of the lead in discussing this. Sometimes it takes awhile for people to really hear you and feel safe so perserver and look to other to support you.

        Like

  2. Miss Evelyn says:

    I’ve been reading a lot and researching. Not only is my husband a covert Narcissist, I’m codependent upon this crap. So I’m reevaluating everything. Its not only about getting out, but I have to heal and rewire everything about me as I will set myself up in another trap.

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Yup P is codependent as well. Codependents and narcissists seem to be attracted to one another. And he’s addicted to the traumatic bonds of the abuse. Even when he gets out he will need a lot of time to heal and find his away. That’s why it’s best for me to not have contact. I had no idea about any of this and even he still doesn’t want to see the truth. But he has and he’s reading the same info as you. It’s very difficult to accept that you have been in this cycle of abuse for so long never knowing. But it is possible to break away and after the pain n sadness life will be so much happier. You will be free.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Miss Evelyn says:

        It is extremely difficult, the acceptance, the cycles, the trauma, it all needs to be rewired. After reading the materials and YouTube videos, it made me more aware of why, how, what, I am acting in a certain way. The healing is what I am most concentrated and concerned with. Because that will give me the power to move forward….

        Liked by 1 person

        • emmagc75 says:

          Please remember that you didn’t choose to be abused. It’s not like physical abuse where you see the trauma. It’s more hidden n subtle. Rewired, yes but since you’re not a computer it will take some time. The acceptance is what you have to focus on. P has wasted years in denial thinking she could change n be a better wife n mother. She can’t n won’t. Narcissists don’t change cause to them, they’re not the problem ya know sis?

          Liked by 1 person

          • Miss Evelyn says:

            I didn’t know wanting or rather wishing someone to change would be denial. I thought it was refusal. Time I don’t have much of, but I will utilize it to the best of my ability. I will remember that I didn’t choose to be abused. Thanks a lot sis. x

            Liked by 1 person

            • emmagc75 says:

              When dealing with a narcissist it is. They will not change because they have no desire to. They truly believe they are not the problem so there’s no reason to. But they will promise to if they think they are at risk of losing you. It is a lie and an act. After a few weeks things go right back to how they always were. That’s what keeps happening to P and he so wants to believe he hasn’t wasted 19 years being unloved n unhappy.

              Liked by 1 person

            • emmagc75 says:

              I’m still recovering from my affair. You and P are dealing with something much more difficult and complex. Fortunately I can be there for you but I can’t for him. I cannot even imagine realizing that the person who is supposed to love n care for you has no empathy. They can learn to mimic it, but not for long. For someone like me who feels more empathy than most? It makes me very sad that someone I loved could be so very damaged.

              Like

              • Miss Evelyn says:

                It is very sad indeed. But the pull is much stronger if he loves his wife still, That I can understand. But because I don’t love my husband, he will use other ways to guilt trip me, my children. It is definitely hard to understand as people will do anything for control, to feed into their insecurities. I have a hard time understanding that myself. Maybe it a superiority complex? I’m here for your sis, anytime 🙂

                Liked by 1 person

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