I never knew that it was not only possible but common for someone to be so closely bonded and addicted to their narcissist spouse. It happens without them even realizing it. It is why so many choose to stay trapped, feeling alone, miserable and unloved for years, even decades.
It is not your fault but there is a way out. You can break free of the cycle of abuse and learn to love yourself again. But the first step is to see the truth and stop being in denial. The overt and/or covert narcissist will not change and things will never get better as long as you stay with them.
Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond – but you don’t need to be Houdini to escape.
Photo by Clearly Ambiguous
Traumatic bonding is a hit with abusers, because it helps him to maintain much-needed control. It helps him keep you where he wants you: tethered to him and his soul-destroying behaviour. But, the bond isn’t as iron-clad as he imagines. Here’s FIVE things he hopes you don’t know about traumatic-bonding, and how to shake off the shackles.
1. What is trauma bonding?
Traumatic-bonding is an intense attachment to your abuser. It happens when you feel emotionally and physically dependent upon a dominant partner – who dishes out abuse and rewards…
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Emmagc75's Blog 
Very important message. We must support those who can’t stand up for themselves and give them the courage to take their power back. Its a hard process but the power of many help those who cannot take those first steps alone. Thanks for enlightening us all, you go girl.
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Thank you. This kind of abuse is much more subtle and manipulative. People go years feeling guilty and unhappy. Never knowing the person who is supposed to love them is the one abusing them. Very scary and sad. It needs to be discussed more.
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You are so very right. I know from where you come and the only way people will get up enough courage to leave this kind of relationship is if they know others understand and have their back. Your voice is very important. Take some of the lead in discussing this. Sometimes it takes awhile for people to really hear you and feel safe so perserver and look to other to support you.
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Thank you so much for the support! It is very important to face the truth, end the denial and get help! I will continue discussing n giving information. Hugs xo
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I’ve been reading a lot and researching. Not only is my husband a covert Narcissist, I’m codependent upon this crap. So I’m reevaluating everything. Its not only about getting out, but I have to heal and rewire everything about me as I will set myself up in another trap.
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Yup P is codependent as well. Codependents and narcissists seem to be attracted to one another. And he’s addicted to the traumatic bonds of the abuse. Even when he gets out he will need a lot of time to heal and find his away. That’s why it’s best for me to not have contact. I had no idea about any of this and even he still doesn’t want to see the truth. But he has and he’s reading the same info as you. It’s very difficult to accept that you have been in this cycle of abuse for so long never knowing. But it is possible to break away and after the pain n sadness life will be so much happier. You will be free.
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It is extremely difficult, the acceptance, the cycles, the trauma, it all needs to be rewired. After reading the materials and YouTube videos, it made me more aware of why, how, what, I am acting in a certain way. The healing is what I am most concentrated and concerned with. Because that will give me the power to move forward….
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Please remember that you didn’t choose to be abused. It’s not like physical abuse where you see the trauma. It’s more hidden n subtle. Rewired, yes but since you’re not a computer it will take some time. The acceptance is what you have to focus on. P has wasted years in denial thinking she could change n be a better wife n mother. She can’t n won’t. Narcissists don’t change cause to them, they’re not the problem ya know sis?
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I didn’t know wanting or rather wishing someone to change would be denial. I thought it was refusal. Time I don’t have much of, but I will utilize it to the best of my ability. I will remember that I didn’t choose to be abused. Thanks a lot sis. x
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When dealing with a narcissist it is. They will not change because they have no desire to. They truly believe they are not the problem so there’s no reason to. But they will promise to if they think they are at risk of losing you. It is a lie and an act. After a few weeks things go right back to how they always were. That’s what keeps happening to P and he so wants to believe he hasn’t wasted 19 years being unloved n unhappy.
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I realized my husband won’t changed because he always think he is “superior” to everyone. I also know it would be useless to mention therapy as he would most likely drive the therapist insane! The only problem he has with me is me not acting the way I was ten years ago. Now that you mentioned a few weeks later, it goes back to the same. I think it’s beginning to come around. I’ve been thinking about the past ten plus years we have been together. How they were always stable as long as things progressed his way…..and that it hasn’t, it’s caused great stress with him and in return I started “growing up” (which he terms as selfish). All I care about is my kids at this point. Without him, I wouldn’t have my kids so that isn’t wasteful, but the rest is. Psychological warfare.
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Yes narcissists and therapy go together like cats and water lol. So so is the one who brought it up and talked P into going. Guess who has gone every week alone except a few times?
Yes right now you have to focus on your kids, educate yourself and try to minimize the damage he has on all of u til u can get free.
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I’m shocked she even mentioned therapy! Wouldn’t that be a waste of her time and money ? I do have to focus on my kids as I’m tying to minimize the damage placed on both me and the kids because I know they have already been exposed to this.
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She knew she’d never have to follow through. He’s asked her over n over for 7 years to go n she never would. She knew he was leaving so she had to manipulate him to stay. Said it was for the kids. Um no it was cause he told her she had to tell her parents n maybe move back home til she could get an apt as HE IS the one who takes care of the kids everyday.
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I’m sure he not only takes care of the kids, the breadwinner, while she’s off doing her thing. She sounds like the wife of an ex lover of mine. Just all into herself while he has to do everything.
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Yes the only time he had free was when he was with me lol. He’s always with the kids and she basically lives at the gym and shopping.
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Ahh….explains a lot !
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Yeah when they split she will have to actually be a Mom lol
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Maybe…or she can pretend to be a Fashionista for life ! Lol
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She’s a hairdresser from the bronx lmao.
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The Bronx? Such high class.
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Yeah she’s very pretty but definitely has no class whatsoever lol.
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Hahahaha….XD
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Omg n her voice is like a nasally italian Rosie Perez! It’s horrific n just really annoying lol
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Maybe I should put u 2 in touch n u can start a support group 🙂
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Yes, another support group for abusive Narcissists and codependents, I’m sure we are all around in the blog somewhere.
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Well you all seem to be finding me lol. Geez I hope I’m not a narcissist heehee. Just kidding 😉
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Hahahaha, you’re so funny sis! I find it funny that we were chatting about recovery from affairs, now we are talking about recovery from Narcissists. Lol
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I’m still recovering from my affair. You and P are dealing with something much more difficult and complex. Fortunately I can be there for you but I can’t for him. I cannot even imagine realizing that the person who is supposed to love n care for you has no empathy. They can learn to mimic it, but not for long. For someone like me who feels more empathy than most? It makes me very sad that someone I loved could be so very damaged.
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It is very sad indeed. But the pull is much stronger if he loves his wife still, That I can understand. But because I don’t love my husband, he will use other ways to guilt trip me, my children. It is definitely hard to understand as people will do anything for control, to feed into their insecurities. I have a hard time understanding that myself. Maybe it a superiority complex? I’m here for your sis, anytime 🙂
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That would just be so sad n pointless if he still does. Who knows? Yes superiority for some but they feed off the energy of their victims and the stress and confusion they cause. Like vampires.
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I only know my husband feed off my adoration and idolatry of him, at the beginning of the relationship. It made his ego quite huge so I was afforded “luxuries” however once I did something wrong, boy did I got payback. And you know bring naive, I believed it was my “punishment” and took it head on. Now hes mad because I refuse to “kiss his ass.” Does not like that at all. Wrong approach to disarm him I suppose.
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Yeah it’s what I would do though lol. But yes probably not the best course of action 🙂
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Now, he backed off and then I have to keep doing this in a cycle. Its just so, so,…what the f $$$ is this ?
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Narcissistic cycles of abuse. It’s how they keep u trapped remember?
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Now that we talk more and more about it. Its makes sense. But I feel like an idiot. Because we keep talking in circles and I really feel like a dummy!
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Who talks in circles? Us? Lol Don’t feel like an idiot. It’s more subtle than other forms of abuse. U think ur crazy n don’t trust ur own judgement because they tell u ur crazy n wrong.
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Yes I feel like I’m talking in circles because I need to keep remaining myself he’s abusing me with sweet talk. And I feel like I don’t trust myself because I need to work hard to get out and sometimes I dont. 😦
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Well take it slow and figure out a manageable way to move forward without overwhelming yourself.
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