A new day, a new withdrawal

'I know it's hard, ma'am, but the worst is over. The vomiting and severe shakes are nearly gone...'

Oh my god does this suck!!!  Uggh!! Withdrawal symptoms are back with a vengeance today. I am sad, weepy, disappointed and pissed off at P and myself all at once!  So I blocked him on Facebook, not because he will contact but to help myself keep the hell away from something that only ends up hurting me in the end.  Now I remember why they say NO CONTACT at all!  Thanks, P!  Seriously, I know as an addict I must take responsibility for my own actions. I did this to myself.  But just like his brain is damaged and addicted from years of mental abuse conditioning by so so, mine is conditioned to miss him and want him. Just like a drug addict needs a fix and an alcoholic needs a drink, I want to hear his voice or see his face.  It is that simple.

I have been great and happy,  totally good right?  No problem.  Said goodbye and went back to my life.  I had a great relaxing, uneventful weekend with hubby, which was way past due lol.  We have had parties (Holy Communions, Graduations, Memorial Celebrations, etc.) every single weekend for the last 2 months.  Now I realize what a blessing that was. Not only did I have a heck of a lot of fun with hubby, family and friends but I had something to occupy my time and help me forget P.

I guess I just feel like a fool for still caring about him after all he has said and done over the last 7 months.  I honestly don’t know how in love with him I am anymore.  Back then I adored him and just wanted to spend time with him.  He made me truly enjoy life and all the simplest pleasures it has to offer.  We had so many adventures and always met the funniest, most interesting people on our journeys.  I have to start doing that with my H again.  It might never be quite as magical because of the way my heart bonded with his, but it also won’t hurt like hell either.

Thankfully this is just a small blip in a very happy and joyful life.  I’m not gonna lie or bs anyone that is experiencing heartbreak, the end of an affair or the loss of any important relationship. 7 months ago the pain was so unbearable and intense, there were days when I didn’t think I would make it or if I even wanted to.  But I have to believe that every experience teaches us something on our journey of life.  What this taught me besides DON’T HAVE AN AFFAIR, I am still figuring out lol.

While I regret so much, I simply cannot regret meeting and loving P.  It changed me in so many ways and hopefully for the better.  He made me want to do better, to be a better person.  Not many people have inspired me like that just through their love for me.  I would like to believe that I made him a better person and in the end, changed his life for the better.  It opened my eyes to living again after my Mom died.  And the kissing for hours and amazing sex that just kept getting better was pretty damn wonderful. We could literally talk about anything and everything, no subject was too weird, taboo or awkward.  I have never had that with anyone else in my lifetime (although my Mom and H come close).  Why was that?  I guess I will never know the significance.  I was in a cocoon and P helped me emerge a beautiful butterfly. I think maybe now it’s just time for me to finally fly away.

We all make choices and decisions in life, for one reason or another.  Whether it’s because of love, fear, anger, sadness, jealousy or because it feels safe and comfortable, I don’t know.  But those choices have consequences and we have to live with them until we have the courage to CHANGE. Narcissists cannot change what they are but the rest of us that do not have some sort of personality disorder can.  So even when we feel weak, stuck or unworthy, we must remember we are not only worthy of love, we deserve it.  We need good healthy love in our life in some way.

I know I will be happy in my life, no matter what happens.  I also know that I have to take my own advice.  I have to Go Where the Love Is!  Not where my heart wants to be but where I am loved, appreciated and cared for.  I am going to focus all my energy on letting go and moving on this summer.  No more looking back, it is time to turn the page and start a new chapter.  Now I’m feeling excited and smiling, not crying and sad 🙂

“For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

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49 thoughts on “A new day, a new withdrawal

  1. justlikedying says:

    I had a similar paradox where I felt guilt for what I had done but I didn’t regret what I did for the same reasons. It made the relationship between my wife and I stronger. Neither me or the other woman wanted to end it and I know I was bad for perpetuating the contact. But I digress….
    The most important part now is just staying focused on what is important to you.
    Here’s to re sparking old flames.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Jarrod C says:

    Allow yourself to fully feel and experience all the emotions of the event. Obviously, as discussed, there is an array of contrasting emotions. It will help you to move past them. Just remember that with both P. and H., you often get what you expect with people. They often don’t change. Our hope is that they do and conform to our expectations, but rarely does it occur.

    I wish you the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thanks Jarrod. I just feel a little down n lost but I will be fine. You are right about change. Right now I will focus on H n put P in a box n lock it up lol. Hope ur ok? xo

      Like

      • Jarrod C says:

        You will need to make the decision that is best for you. But keep in mind, if you want to be with H, you will need to let go of P – for good. I know it is difficult but you will never be able to fully mend your relationship with H with P dangling on the side.

        Everything is well here. Thank you for asking.

        Liked by 1 person

        • emmagc75 says:

          I do know that. I’m letting him go. I love him enough to let him go if that makes any sense? I just want him to get out, take care of his kids n fall in love with someone who loves him too. It just won’t be me, not anymore.

          Like

  3. eggertl2 says:

    During a relationship with a person outside a usual relationship is always more exciting. The risk of discovery, of rejection by your spouse and family and the fear that the side relationship will fail. The same things that causes fear is what draws us to it. When it comes down to it, is the sex really better? Or is it more intense because of the fear? Real satisfaction happens with connection to real world.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. sonofabeach96 says:

    By the way, one of my fellow college alums was a Giant great. Roman Oben, an o-lineman, played for 10+ years. I’m a Bears fan, although not for long if they keep giving Cutler everything but the kitchen sink. That dude sucks!

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Yes no sex 3 years n I have a higher sex drive than most!!!! We each had prerequisites b4 marriage. He’s a Jets fan i was Giants fan. I said fine but i get sex whenever i want n he said no problem lol.
      And yes I had a lot of great sex with P and now my H and I are getting our mojo back lol. Took time but definitely getting better.
      And yes he knows. I told him wayyy b4 I cheated that I was getting desperate. I will never understand why he did nothing. Told him during affair n then I lied said we broke up. He knows and we have worked our way back to one another.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. charlypriest says:

    I´m no shrink, but seems to me you suffer from a dependence syndrome, and being dependent on anybody or for that matter on anything in life is not good. Is not in my genes to be dependent and less with a girl, but try this ” If you want to live a happy life tie it to a goal, not to people or things” At least for the time being just focus on any goal you want or like, and maybe the thought of the guy will go away. If not, just give me a call, we can date and you will forget that guy….. 😉 Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  6. operahell says:

    The person you were when you met P is not the person you were when you left him, but although you have changed in many ways, I suspect you’ve always been an empathic and compassionate person with a love that perseveres. That’s rough when the person you have feelings for is a jerkwad narcissist. But at least your head knows better than your heart and you have been able to detach yourself and pull away from his trainwreck of a life.

    Hang in there, it will get easier. You’re a loveable person and you deserve happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thank you! But while he was a jerkwad, I’m pretty sure he’s not a narcissist. His w is. He’s codependent with anxiety and serious self-esteem issues. He’s also deeply bonded n addicted to the narcissistic cycle of abuse after 19 years. But he has to find his own way out. I cannot be there to help n he knows that too.
      He’s not a douche or even a big liar. He is actually too honest which I liked. Yes we cheated n lied. He hadn’t had sex with her in 3 years and I hadnt had sex with H for 3 years when I cheated. He hated lying to his family as did I. Doesn’t excuse it I know. But he did hurt me deeply n break my heart n his own.

      Like

      • operahell says:

        Well you know him and I don’t… but I will point out that you go back and forth in your blog between rage, indifference, and sympathy for him. Of course you can’t just flick a switch and “be over it” because that’s not how the heart works, and you’re absolutely on the right path here by severing contact and sticking to your decision. All I’m trying to say is what you already know – this guy is bad for you and will only bring you pain.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. globalunison says:

    Thank you for this post. It gave me so much strength. Life is about gray patches sometimes but it improves. The best part I like about this is that you consider your affair to have taught you something and you don’t regret ‘loving’ — that makes you a brave soul Emma.

    Much love and blessings,
    -Naima

    Liked by 1 person

  8. sonofabeach96 says:

    Do you see the way that tree bends?
    Does it inspire?
    Leaning out to catch the sun’s rays
    A lesson to be applied
    Are you getting something out of
    This all-encompassing trip?

    You can spend all your time alone
    Re-digesting past regrets
    Or you can come to terms and
    realize
    You’re the only one who can’t
    forgive yourself
    Makes much more sense
    To live in the present tense

    Pearl Jam “Present Tense”
    Listen to it. I might recommend this too:
    Lucinda Williams “Joy”. Play it loud!
    And remember, “Go where the love is”

    Liked by 3 people

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