The Relationship Between Sensitive People and Narcissists

The Relationship Between Sensitive People and Narcissists

Why HSPs attract and are attracted to narcissists and other negative people.

by Deborah Ward

Many highly sensitive people have asked me why they so often end up in relationships with narcissists or other negative types of people, who take advantage of us, drain our energy and take our kindness without giving anything in return. Whether these people are co-dependents, addicts, abusive, or narcissists, they disrespect our boundaries, blame, criticize and make us feel so bad about ourselves that we don’t have the energy to leave. So what is it about sensitive people and narcissists that creates such an attraction and leaves such a trail of destruction?

HSPs are compassionate and empathetic by nature. We feel other people’s pain instinctively and want to help. In addition, narcissists are experts at manipulation and control, so they will use your big heart for their own ends (see my post The Highly Sensitive Person and the Narcissist). HSPs can feel such intense love and compassion for people that we can believe our love can heal others. And often other people are so amazed and relieved by receiving this much love and understanding, they respond with enormous gratitude and often flattery. Sensitive people respond to this praise by feeling good about ourselves and feeling needed and so we give more. But as this pattern continues, we end up giving until we’ve got nothing left and getting nothing in return, under the mistaken belief that if we just give a little more, it will be enough. But it’s never enough because the narcissist is an empty vessel, a bottomless pit of need.

What’s important to remember is that it’s not your love they need. It’s their own. You will never be able to ‘fix’ anyone. What’s more, you shouldn’t. Everyone has their own path to follow and to become a whole and healthy person, everyone needs to walk that path on their own, making their own mistakes, learning to pick themselves up, and discovering how to love themselves. Without those valuable lessons, a person will never have enough love to give to someone else. Trying to get a narcissist to love you is like carrying a baby around in your arms and waiting for them to start walking. Sometimes helping too much can leave the other person crippled. They need to learn on their own.

Unfortunately, without learning to love themselves, hurtful people spend their lives trying to get the love they’re missing inside from someone else. That someone else is often a sensitive person because we have Compassion written all over us. But don’t let it be you. You are not responsible for someone else’s journey. What you are responsible for is your own journey, your own feelings, your own life. You don’t need to feel good about yourself by depending on others to tell you you’re a kind person or thanking you for helping them or making you feel needed. Relying on someone else to make you believe these things will only make you dependent on them, and then you will become a victim once again. You need to give all that to yourself. Show up with everything you need in your own back pocket. Know that you are a good and kind person, know that you are capable of enormous compassion and love and know that you are deserving of love yourself. If the other person doesn’t reflect that in the way they treat you, it’s time to leave.

The following are further reasons why HSPs are often attracted to narcissists:

1. Our giving nature means we often put other people’s needs before our own.

2. We’re so open we take on other people’s stuff like emotional storage containers.

3. If you have low self-esteem you can overlook the signs that things aren’t right, that you aren’t being treated right and so you ignore the injuries to your self and let it continue.

4. If you feel like a victim or have been victimised in the past, you will project that belief outwards. Narcissists will pick up on it and home in on you as a target. (See my post Feeling Like a Victim)

5. HSP’s sensitivity to other people’s feelings means it can feel wrong to say no. We think since we can feel it, we must do something about it. But we are not responsible for other people’s feelings.

The way to stop attracting narcissists is to change your beliefs about yourself and the way you feel about yourself. Here’s how:

1. Set up boundaries to keep yourself safe. Learn to let in people who will be there for you and keep out the people who only want something from you. I highly recommend the book Boundaries(link is external)for specifics on how to set and enforce your boundaries and keep negative people out of your personal space.

2. Focus on your positive qualities and feel good about yourself, by yourself. Write in a journal to get your feelings out and develop an awareness of who you are, your feelings and your beliefs. Read back over what you’ve written over a period of weeks or months to see how you’re responding to situations and you’ll begin to see patterns in your behaviour and your beliefs about yourself and your relationships.

3. Learn how to use your sensitivity and empathy for the good. Two of the best uses are helping other people in a volunteer or charitable role and channelling it into a creative pursuit. Using your creative energy, in either volunteering or creative ways, will help you to feel grounded. You will feel a sense of belonging and connection to the wider world, and that you have an essential place in it. By shifting your energy into an activity you are passionate about, you will also give yourself something positive to focus on so that you’re not focusing solely on giving to someone who is making demands of your energy and attention. At the same time, you will be filling your life with positive feelings. Without this connection, you can feel frightened and alone and afraid to let go of what’s bad for you and too easily forget that you are connected to everything and that you are loved and safe.  

Codependency & Narcissism Part 2 – A Winning Team/Dance

 

By David Thomas, PhD

Codependents are individuals who become dependent upon narcissists, (or alcoholics or drug addicts.) The concept of Codependence is derived from the ‘co-alcoholic’ behavior of spouses and children in chemically dependent family systems. Counselors observed that family members often took on the psychological defenses and survival behaviors of the alcoholic, thereby extending the disease from the individual to the entire family.

In the same way, codependents take on the psychological defenses and survival behaviors of the narcissist, thereby extending the narcissism from the individual to the entire household or workplace.

The following definitions of codependence describe how the codependent feels and what he feels he must try to achieve:

A pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity.

The condition wherein one person tries to control another and to be responsible for the consequences of the behavior of that other person.

This definition of codependence goes some way to explaining what causes codependency:

A pattern of coping which develops because of prolonged exposure to and practice of dysfunctional family rules that make difficult the open expression of thought.

Codependency is a condition that affects a large percentage of the adult population in varying degrees. Other terms often used for codependent behavior in relation to narcissism are ‘enabler’, ‘follower’, ‘covert narcissist’, ‘inverted narcissist’ and and ‘co-narcissist’.

Codependents seek security both at work and at home, so they are drawn to individuals who are, or appear to be, confident, positive and self-assured. Narcissists display these very qualities, displaying an air of superiority, grandiosity and self-importance. Codependents admire these qualities, and narcissists crave admiration.

Narcissists don’t want their superiority challenged, so they engage in relationships with individuals who are prepared to remain subservient to them. Codependents, who have been brought up in an environment that ensures they will avoid confrontation if at all possible, are therefore ideal partners. Codependents also find it difficult to make decisions, always checking with others before making choices. The narcissist’s constant need for attention fits ideally with this characteristic of the codependent, who ends up checking with the narcissist before making decisions.

However, by subordinating his needs to the narcissist, the codependent puts himself into a position whereby he feels the need to defend the behavior of his narcissistic partner, boss or friend. He takes on the psychological defenses and survival behaviours of the narcissist. This ultimately results in codependent behavior characterized by dishonesty and denial.

Codependency, Don’t Dance!

When a codependent and narcissist come together in their relationship, their dance unfolds flawlessly: The narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Their roles seem natural to them because they have actually been practicing them their whole lives; the codependent reflexively gives up their power and since the narcissist thrives on control and power, the dance is perfectly coordinated. No one gets their toes stepped on.  

Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give back to them. As “generous” but bitter dance partners, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for the “next song,” at which time they naively hope that their narcissistic partner will finally understand their needs. Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. Although they are proud of their unwavering dedication to the person they love, they end up feeling unappreciated and used. Codependents yearn to be loved, but because of their choice of dance partner, find their dreams unrealized. With the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams, codependents silently and bitterly swallow their unhappiness.   

Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner. They pretend to enjoy the dance, but really harbor feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness for not taking an active role in their dance experience. They are convinced that they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them. Their low self-esteem and pessimism manifests itself into a form of learned helplessness that ultimately keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner.  

The narcissist dancer, like the codependent, is attracted to a partner who feels perfect to them: Someone who lets them lead the dance while making them feel powerful, competent and appreciated. In other words, the narcissist feels most comfortable with a dancing companion who matches up with their self-absorbed and boldly selfish dance style. Narcissist dancers are able to maintain the direction of the dance because they always find partners who lack self-worth, confidence and who have low self-esteem — codependents. With such a well-matched companion, they are able to control both the dancer and the dance.   

Although all codependent dancers desire harmony and balance, they consistently sabotage themselves by choosing a partner who they are initially attracted to, but will ultimately resent. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner and comfortably sit the dance out until someone healthy comes along, they typically choose to continue their dysfunctional dance. They dare not leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and self-respect makes them feel like they can do no better. Being alone is the equivalent of feeling lonely, and loneliness is too painful to bear.  

Although codependents dream of dancing with an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny. Until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to dance with their narcissistic dance partners, they will be destined to maintain the steady beat and rhythm of their dysfunctional dance.  

Through psychotherapy, and perhaps, a 12-step recovery program, the codependent can begin to recognize that their dream to dance the grand dance of love, reciprocity and mutuality is indeed possible. Through therapy and a change of lifestyle, codependents can build (repair) their tattered self-esteem. The journey of healing and transformation will bring them feelings of personal power and efficacy that will foster a desire to finally dance with someone who is willing and capable of sharing the lead, communicating their movements, and pursuing a mutual loving rhythmic dance.  

In conclusion, it is my belief that all codependents, if motivated and committed to a healing and engaging psychotherapy process, are able to stop their insanity-inducing dance with narcissists.  Through a non-wavering belief in one’s self-worth and commitment to the ideal of healthy and resilient love, we all can finally experience personal and relational joy.

The quote that best captures my philosophy of the codependency recovery process comes from George Eliot:  “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”  Or, as I might say it, “It is never too late to dance with the partner of your dreams.”

By Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC

Sunny Day

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Just 3 more days!!!

Today was a really good day. I didn’t do anything new or exciting. Just feeling happy, loved and grateful.

I’m off from work until a week from Tuesday, which is awesome and so badly needed. My hubby and I are going alone to my family’s lake house in Massachusetts on Tuesday and coming back Sunday. Tomorrow I will get out the suitcase and start packing.

Somehow over the 10 years we have been married, I have started packing for both of us lol. He’s slick that hubby of mine, no doubt. It happened so gradually, I just noticed it! So of course I asked him how the hell it happened. He said well you’re so good at that lol. But I won’t do his toiletries. You have to draw the line somewhere right? Heehee

Please don’t be alarmed if I’m MIA for a few days next week. We will be back home probably late Sunday night. There is no cable and no internet up there so we will be off the grid lol. There is a tv and dvd player so we can watch movies at night. We will probably go through a little withdrawal but then it will be really nice and relaxing. We’re planning a few day trips to local museums and places of interest. The Norman Rockwell Museum is 30 minutes from the house and I haven’t been there in 20 years. Hubby has never been so it will be fun.

I went to the hair salon and got my roots done and some highlights. You know it’s time when your hubby (who always says u don’t need highlights) says wow u have a tiny bit of grey lol. My hair is long, curly and strawberry blonde but since I hit 40, I have grey!!! I guess I’m lucky as I have my Dad’s hair and he went grey at 30 lol. My colorist asked if she could take some photos of me and my hair for a book she’s doing. I said sure of course. I’m not a model but I do have nice hair 🙂

I’ve read so many inspirational and helpful posts the last few days. I’ve been the mad post liker lol. I really appreciate all the support, kindness and love from so many bloggers. It is truly a gift that I hope I never take for granted. So thank you!

Narcissism and Codependency : The love addiction

Great article!

Dr Nicholas Jenner

Among my patient group (and circle of friends), there are people who continually allow others to take advantage of them, continue to give and stay in very toxic relationships. They attempt to make themselves indispensable for their partners (and everyone else) and become the local and family martyr. They are the codependents who keep on giving. It is also very often the case that these people are either in or have been in a relationship with someone who has narcissist tendencies. In fact there are studies that suggest that they might even seek out such types.

There is a dance in codependency that involves the intimate relationship between codependents and narcissistic types. Codependents lack a healthy relationship with self. They are prone to put others first before their own needs. This is unhealthy.

Narcissists also have an unhealthy relationship with self. They put themselves above all else. They use others…

View original post 386 more words

In Case You Forget. Love, Your Heart

stay away

Don’t worry. I’m fine. I promise. I just wanted this for the next time I forget and miss someone who doesn’t even seem to remember how much he once loved me. Someone who is afraid of love and has nothing left to offer me. Someone who threw away his soulmate because he needs time.

I know how precious and special love is. I know if it matters, it’s worth fighting for. But you can’t be the only one fighting. So when someone gives up on you and breaks your heart? Remember that they are the ones that are worse off. Because they had a pure and true love and they threw it away. They have to live with that.

Some people choose to waste years of their life just waiting patiently. They think this makes them good and honorable. At some point, living in denial and refusing to see the truth is just cowardly. But the rest of us know life is just way too short to live in a web of lies we tell ourselves. We know love is all that matters. And a life without love is no life at all. Be brave and follow your heart, no matter where it takes you.

Narcissistic Mothers- 2 Types of Children

This so accurately describes both of P’s kids, it’s chilling.  Obviously kids are smart and they know that their Mom isn’t like other Moms.  She’s not interested in what they think or how they feel and she never has been.  But how do you tell a kid that their Mom makes them feel like crap because she’s not capable of empathy?  How do you make them believe that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them and never will?  And most importantly how do you help them heal so that they are able to grow up and lead happy, healthy lives full of love and acceptance? And as a parent why would you ever choose to keep living with the person who is responsible for making them unhappy?  Just because she gave birth to them and seemingly loved them when they were adorable toddlers?  He better than anyone should realize the scars that are left from emotional trauma in childhood.

Adult Children of Narcissists

by MICHELLE PIPER

You were “parentified” as a kid, taking on the role of a parent to be emotionally and psychologically responsible for the well-being of your narcissistic parent, when it really should have been the other way around.

You may not have realized the stigmatizing effects that this has had on you until you grew up into your own person. It takes a toll on the self-esteem, self-concept, self-worth, and altogether life satisfaction. During childhood, siblings often mistake “parentification” as favoritism and resent or compete with you.  Quite the burden, I’d say.

There are typically two types of responses displayed by parentified children. Let me know if these sound familiar.

You have the compliant response and the siege response.

The compliant response is much what it sounds like, complacency reigns supreme in your adult life. You may spend a great deal of time caring for others (much like you had to do growing up), always trying to please those around you, and do whatever it takes to maintain a harmonious atmosphere, which usually means that your needs are put on the back burner. This may have caused you to be self-deprecating, feeling that you can give and give, but it will never be good enough.

Then there is the siege response, the complete opposite of the compliant adult child of a narcissist. If this is/was you, then you were probably defiant and rebellious, protecting yourself by becoming less sensitive or walled off and extremely independent.

You would do whatever you had to do to manipulate others and treat them as if they are the parents who wanted you to meet their every expectation. This is more or less a passive-aggressive attack on your parents through other people, doing to others what you wish you could’ve done to your narcissistic parent.

The fear of abandonment is a common theme among children with a narcissistic parent, as you may know. Always having to earn love from them and knowing that it can be taken away if the needs of your parent are not met is a heavy load for any child to carry, especially when you are the one that needs to be nurtured, shown empathy, and be taken care of.

This can carry on into adulthood, feeling that you need to perform to the standards set by your spouse or significant other. You might feel that you are only there to serve your counterpart, always feeling less skilled and deserving than the other, and doing whatever is needed to prove yourself in the relationship.

In many families with a narcissistic parent, children are used as pawns and played off one another for the amusement of the parent. If you have brothers and/or sisters this may be familiar to you. There is typically a golden child and one or more scapegoats.

Usually, the daughters of narcissistic mothers are chosen as the scapegoats, while the son(s) are chosen as the golden child(ren).

Your narcissistic mother may have cast you in all of these roles, abruptly changing your purpose when it suited her needs. This sudden demotion or promotion can be enraging or devastating to a child. Which role or roles did you play?

The golden child is the extension of the narcissistic parent, the perfect child that can do no wrong and is mirrored as a replication of the parent’s wonderfulness. Proper boundaries are not made between the golden child and the narcissistic parent, giving a sense of oneness between the two that leaves little or no room for the child to develop his or her own identity. As this adult child of a narcissist grows, he or she feels entitled to this same treatment, expecting others to act in the same way the parent did. Sound familiar?

Then there is the scapegoat, the outcast, the family member or members that take the blame for anything and everything that goes wrong. This child can never measure up to the golden child, even if he or she has greater accomplishments or does better in their life than the puppet of the parent.

Scapegoats are always seeking approval only to be turned down and made to feel inadequate for even attempting to outshine the golden child. This can cause a major rift between siblings, always competing with one another in a lose-lose situation where the referee is not fairly judging the players. Does that hit close to home?

As the scapegoat grows and ventures out into the world of freedom, they have a firmer grasp on their independence than the golden child does, as that child has never been allowed to be independent in their life.

I guess you can say that, retrospectively, the scapegoat is the lucky one. You may or may not agree. Typically, scapegoats can break free from the twisted and distorted dynamics of their dysfunctional family, and break the ties binding them to the abusive life that they were forced to lead. They have more of an opportunity to create a healthy life outside of their family.

However, the burdens they carried from childhood can still play a role in their adult lives. In the workplace, the scapegoat has a tendency to be overworked and underpaid even if their work is superior to others. They can be marginalized and never have the sense that they fit in comfortably with those around them, much like how they felt during childhood.

Scapegoats often do realize that this is a problem and are more apt to seek out professional help and psychotherapy than their other family members. If you happened to be the scapegoat in your family and have taken the steps to recover, you may have sought support from many different sources including meditation, spirituality, and truly loving relationships. What things have helped you to heal and have a better life? I would greatly appreciate your feedback.

With your narcissistic parent, you were most likely devalued and extremely under-appreciated. In the larger world away from the old narcissistic family system, you have the opportunity to be valued for your opinions, values and needs.

You find you can find others who allow you to express yourself and give a nurturing response to your own beliefs and needs. It can help you to recognize that you are an adequate human with positive attributes and skills to share with the world.

You learn that it is not your fault that your parent did not love you or show any empathy towards you, which is something that you really need—to be rid of the guilt and weight you have borne for so long.

Pretty Song

I love this song!
Thanks Sonofabeach. Winning Streak was great song too, just this speaks to my soul 🙂

Falling Slowly from Once
By GLEN HANSARD
(with Markéta Irglová)

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that

Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react

And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing it loud

Thoughts on Love

 I am really looking forward to going away with H next week.   I am hopeful that we can find our way back to each other.  I just wish it was easier.  It feels like so much work sometimes.  Should love have to be so much work?  I honestly don’t know.  Sometimes I feel sure we will make it and others I just don’t know.  I just want to feel passion and attraction again.  That’s when I miss P and all the joy, love and laughter.  Why was I always able to talk to him about anything and everything and why can’t H and I do the same?

I realize that obviously that’s not enough on its own.  Look at P. He’s totally addicted/codependent/attracted to his bulging bodybuilder/ selfish covert narcissist.  What does that get him? LOL A big fat nothing, that’s what.  I have never met anyone so delusional about their relationship or lack of one as P.  It’s so sad how much he has gone backwards in the last 8 months.  He’s so addicted to the cycle of narcissistic abuse and in denial, I really think part of him actually believes she can get better!!!!  C’mon seriously??? Yeah cause if you have 3 decent years, then 7 crappy ones, then 10 years where your marriage is so dead you have 3 affairs? I honestly believe that he is LITERALLY going to wait until she says she wants out to make any sort of change.  She still controls him and as long as she wants to, she probably always will. My love and devotion meant so very little to him in the end.  It’s hard for me to realize and admit that. But it is the truth and I know that now. Time won’t change him, it will just make him sicker and less human.

I ask myself how could I have loved someone so weak and not worth my love or my time?  When I think of all the times he said he wasn’t in love with her, could never be attracted to her again, and hoped she’d find someone so he could be free?  I will probably never truly know if it was all lies.  I guess it doesn’t really matter. Except to me it does.

I just want to love and be loved.  I want passion, laughter, companionship and a best friend.  Someone who I make a better person and who makes me want to be a better person too.  I really need a lot of sex to make up for all the years I missed.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.  If my H isn’t up to the job, I will not stay any longer.  I’ve waited long enough.  It’s time for the men in my life to put up or shut up.  It’s just that simple.  I’m going where the love AND THE SEX is! LOL

Falling-in-love_6-640x469

Really? WTF?

wtf-cat

wtf-funny-quotes

As most of you have realized I have been posting a lot of articles about narcissism and codependency.  Yes, it originally started as a way for me to understand and process what P has dealt with for all these years.  Why he or anyone would stay unhappy and unloved year after year?  How could someone be okay and actually comfortable being ignored, manipulated, laughed at and basically treated not good enough for years? And to have chosen to have gone back to that lonely, tough situation willingly is something that I will never ever be able to comprehend.

Learning about the science behind traumatic bonding, addiction to the cycle of abuse and how the brain works has been extremely healing for me.  More than that, it’s fascinating to me that this type of abuse can obviously be so subtle that the victim does not even realize that it’s happening.  They know something is wrong or off with the person and their behavior but they don’t know what it is.

I have begun learning about personality disorders, narcissism, codependency, and other topics.  I do spend time scouring the internet.  I’ve read tons of articles and information that I think is interesting and educational yet will resonate with a lot of us.  Sometimes I weave in personal info, sometimes not.  I ALWAYS say who the article was written by and usually post a link to their website at the end.

I am truly happy to know that my blog is read and that I can be of some small help to those that have been abused or a victim.  My blog is very diverse in content and posts.  It is not just about any ONE topic.  It’s usually based on what I am feeling, dealing with or interested in.  There’s posts on depression, marriage, family, affairs, love, laughter, heartbreak, letting go and moving on, narcissism, quotes, humor, you name it.

In the last few days, something has happened 3 times now. Let me say, there are a bunch of people also interested in the same topic and spreading info about personality disorders.  They have been abused or know someone who has. They are supportive, generous and kind.  So I am quite used to people reblogging something I post.  I find it flattering and makes me smile. Like most of us, I enjoy when people relate to me, my blog, my life or my posts. I consider each mention a sweet n thoughtful gesture.

But now a few people (whose blogs I follow, enjoy and they follow mine)  just happen to post the exact same article I have within hours of my post!!! They correctly put the author’s name giving them credit, but then act like they just found it themselves a few hours after I post the same EXACT article?  Yeah right. The first time, I actually laughed and chalked it up to a coincidence. Great minds thinking alike and all. But now? I know it isn’t a coincidence and it’s just not very nice.

Obviously I am not as upset as I would be if someone posted my original content as their own. But it still bothers me that this keeps happening. This time the blogger posted it with a big picture of the author.  Does she think that I’ve done something wrong by posting the article in the first place and not including a huge photo of the very pretty author??  Oh and there was NO comment option, just like and reblog!!  Seriously WTF?!?!?!?

This makes me a little sad and confused. I get not wanting to reblog cause it doesn’t give whole post and it can be a pain, especially if you have other stuff you want to say or include. That’s totally fine n cool.

Since this has obviously gone from a coincidence to a complete disregard for where they first READ the article.  It’s absolutely legal but is it really okay?  No I didn’t write these articles (I am not a social worker or a psychologist), but I did go out of my way to find them, choose them and post them so people might read them.

The least someone can do if they want to repost the SAME EXACT ARTICLE hours later is either reblog, at least say this article was written by John Smith and found on Emma’s blog, or feel free to find your own articles to post.  

I really don’t think I’m wrong to feel upset.   But I am totally open to any and all opinions. Just be kind 🙂

Trying to Make Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked

Trying to Make the Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked

As we know narcissists often act in ways that defy all definition of normal. They regularly break the rules, tell lies, break promises, degrade, demean and exhibit unjust, aggressive and abusive behaviour that is inappropriate, childish, without remorse and totally inhuman.

It’s likely, if you have suffered narcissistic abuse, that you have a high level of integrity, and it’s likely you’re known as a person who does the right thing. You have a conscience, and because you do, you’re mindful of considering your environment and other people.

Therefore you will be dismayed, and even regularly incensed by the narcissist’s inability to conduct themselves appropriately, or abide by basic human morality and decency.

It’s likely that you will fight for decency and morality. Before long you’ll find yourself lecturing and prescribing ‘correct behaviour’ as if you were talking to a 5 year old.

YOU act responsibly and uphold your integrity, therefore why shouldn’t THEY?

Life with a narcissist is like a bag of tricks, and a box of chocolates. You never know what will morph out of thin air, or be unwrapped next. You are constantly on edge, walking on broken glass and suffering from high levels of anxiety. Understandably you want the instability and madness to stop…

Forcing accountability logically seems to be the answer, so that the crazy feelings and fear can end.

Your Integrity Is Used Against You

It’s extremely important to know the strength you possess – integrity, is in fact one of the greatest weapons that the narcissist uses against you. Firstly understand the narcissist purposefully targets people who have high levels of integrity.

The reason is he or she knows:

  • You will take responsibility for cleaning up the messes that the narcissist creates.
  • You will stoically work overtime on cleaning up these messes.
  • You are the perfect person to blame, because you vehemently try to prove your integrity to the narcissist, rather than leave, despite the abuse.
  • By focusing on trying to get the narcissist to act like a responsible and considerate adult you will hand over lots of much needed narcissistic supply (attention).
  • The narcissist can accuse you of lack of integrity in any area you pride yourself in – (being a good parent, a caring role model, a pet lover, an honest business person etc. etc.) which grants omnipotent delight when the narcissist views how much this maims you.
  • You will be a partner ‘who loves and cares’, therefore willingly handing over your resources, time, support and money.

By preying on your need for integrity the narcissist has set you up to lose your mind. The more he or she attacks and pillages supply and resources from you as a result of your high levels of integrity – the more you will try to righteously force the narcissist to be accountable. In fact you may go out of your way to prove a point, and do the ‘right thing’ – to set the right example, hoping that the narcissist will learn and start acting like a decent person.

The narcissist by the very definition of what a narcissist is, does not want to be accountable, does not want to ‘play fair’, does not want to conform and does not want to ‘do the right thing.’ A narcissist believes playing by the rules makes him or her like everyone else.

In fact the narcissist watches you doing all of the ‘right things’ and inwardly laughs about how pathetic you are for doing it, and loves it because it gives her or him ample opportunity to keep mining supplies whilst you keep trying to force them to be as ‘good’ as you.

The narcissist believes ‘being good’ would mean being reduced to a mere human, swallowed whole and controlled by the system. The narcissist thinks this will create vulnerability and take away his or her ‘edge’ of remaining separate, having the upper hand and securing narcissistic supply. To co-operate means he or she will have no way to steal energy to fill up the empty painful void within – and this would spell emotional annihilation.

You must understand that there is now way to make the narcissist accountable – and trying to is one of the greatest hooks that are keeping you stuck in abuse.

The Deadly Dance

A horrible addiction process occurs when you try to exert control over the narcissist’s actions and demand his or her accountability. In fact the more you try to control the uncontrollable, the more you lose control of yourself.

As your focus on trying to make the narcissist ‘normal’ and ‘decent’ intensifies, the more you expose yourself to the mind-bending twists and turns, the insane behaviour and the intense gas-lighting, manoeuvres, projections, justifications and downright lies that will tear your self-esteem and self-belief apart.

Before long you will think you are losing your mind, and you find that you can barely function. As the process intensifies you will feel so empty, tormented and anguished that you may feel like life is not worth living.

I promise you it is the strongest, most intelligent people with high integrity that suffer the most in this deadly dance. Be very aware you can’t win this game with the narcissist – and trying to win will just grant A-Grade supply to the narcissist every step of the way.

The Narcissist Fights Dirty

The need for integrity creates the perfect forum for the narcissist to unleash his or her most powerful arsenal. Within arguments he or she has a wide open playing field with no boundaries. This is like a blood-thirsty game of mortal combat with no rules. The narcissist has no conscience, therefore an endless amount of nasty tools are readily available.

These include:

  • Discard and abandonment techniques regardless of the state you are in. (The more distressed you are the more delight in abandoning you).
  • Ignoring you or giving you silent treatment.
  • Lies in order to gain whatever goal the narcissist has in mind.
  • Gas-lighting techniques in order to get you to doubt yourself.
  • Imagined allies to back up her or his claims.
  • Malicious comments to maim you.
  • Attacks on your integrity to disarm you.
  • Expert projection to make what she or he did your fault.
  • Purposeful outrageous and childish non-sensical comments to incense you.
  • Refusal to remain on the topic at hand.
  • Insistence on boundaries within the conversation, granting him or her all the rights to continue speaking, and you none.
  • Attacking you in regard to your distress, hysteria or anger that has occurred within the argument.
  • The ability to use any of the above (plus more) to purposefully punish you, and create the highest level of anguish possible.

No human being is a match for these tactics, and if you do try to match the narcissist’s game with any of the narcissit’s tactics – the narcissist immediately pounces on your lack of integrity, which throws you into the despair: The narcissist doesn’t believe I am a decent person (this destroys your soul and mission to ‘change’ the narcissist …) or you will feel the incensed mind-bending rage of: Who are you to accuse me of lack of integrity?

Whichever way it goes, you end up battered and distraught, and the narcissist obtained narcissistic supply and the omnipotence knowing that she or he can have this effect on you…

You can’t shrug off allegations like the narcissist can. The narcissist, once securing you in their life, actually doesn’t care whether or not you think the narcissist is a good person. The narcissist is simply in the game for the two reasons that narcissists interact with anyone:

1) To secure narcissistic supply, and

2) Having a person to hurt in order to offload their tormented inner self.

You have to accept that the narcissist simply does not hold or even care about the model of love and relationships that you do. Her or his values, needs and neuron brain pathways are miles apart from yours.

 

The More you Need the Less You Get

At the time of entering the argument you will feel that you were seeking accountability for a specific issue – now as a result of the argument you will feel totally unsafe and need accountability for all the brutal abuse that occurred within the argument as well.

The more you try to gain accountability, the less you receive it, then the more accountability you need – and the vicious cycle expands and broadens until it is literally ripping your life apart, with no way out if you continue…

You know when you are disintegrating and complete losing yourself, because this is when you start acting like a crazy person. You may call the narcissist twenty times in a row, start seeking people in his community to tell them the truth about the narcissist. You may be constantly checking the narcissist’s facebook, phone records and contacts about what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, and your whole life becomes obsessed and totally taken over by the need to get accountability.

This is the exact opposite of where you want to be. With your focus completely obsessed with what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, he or she has you right where they want you – detached from your True Self.

No longer are you able to healthily supply yourself with your basic emotional needs, sustenance and safety. It’s likely that you’re no longer able to look after your practical and even survival needs effectively. You may find it virtually impossible to eat, sleep, pay bills and function.

 

How to Drop the Need for Accountability and Reach Acceptance

Read the following very carefully. This is your truth.

Understandably you will be operating from the mind-bending pain: ‘You should or should not be doing this!’ and ‘How on earth can somebody do what you do?!’

This may seem correct at a human and logical level, but this does not help you create a healthy and accountable life with accountable people.

One of the largest fundamental lessons of life, and intense learning curves that we are forced to face as a result of narcissistic abuse is this: People can be and do whatever they want to be and do. This lesson of acceptance is one of the most essential when recovering from narcissistic abuse.

There are only two ways we can live our life. These are:

1) Resistance, or

2) Acceptance.

When we judge something as wrong we have set ourselves up energetically (energy being the true ‘note’ that creates our reality), as My experience is wrong, because of this thing being wrong and therefore I have to make it right in order to be Okay.

For example: If you do something bad to me, and I decide to be affected by it ( a normal human reaction) I’ll replay it in my mind, and every time I do I feel the pain of what you did to me. You are however no longer standing there and doing ‘it’ to me. I am actually free to get on with the TRUTH of my life, but I can’t now – because what you did was ‘wrong’.

I have assessed my life can’t be ‘right’ now, because you exchanged with me in a way that was ‘wrong’. Your ‘wrongness’ has now become my ‘wrongness’ (I took it on), and it can’t be fixed until I change you from being ‘wrong’ into ‘right’.

Understandably this is very POWERLESS. I have no power to change you. And If I try to I can’t have a ‘right’ life until I change you from being ‘wrong’. The truth is I’ll be having a ‘wrong’ life forever…

Why? Because even if I could force you to change into ‘right’ (highly unlikely and impossible when dealing with a narcissist), more and more ‘wrong’ people would still keep coming into my experience and keep doing ‘wrong’ things to me…

Why? That sounds crazy! Why would I keep attracting the ‘wrong’ behavior that I detest so much?

The answer is simple. It’s because I have an intense focus and dislike (judgement) on ‘wrong’. I take it personally, I make other people’s behaviour about me, and I judge who they are, and try to fix them and change them in a futile attempt to make me happy…rather than take responsibility for being the Creator of myself…

…all because I have not as yet learn the vital SOUL LESSON of acceptance and unconditional love which is:

“I love you and all of life enough to allow you to be whoever you want to be on your journey, and I love myself enough to choose what is the TRUE journey for me. Therefore if we are not a MATCH thank you for showing me what I needed to heal within myself, and I can let go and allow us both to experience the journey that is our choice as it stands right now.”

Whenever we judge something as wrong, we are in resistance. By resisting this thing, we think we are saying ‘No’ to it – yet in reality we are saying ‘Yes’ and bringing it into our experience. Resistance hooks us into the fight of trying to change something that is ‘wrong’ into being ‘right’ and pollutes our being and experience with ‘wrong’ in the process.

True Acceptance does not mean tolerating – it means the exact opposite. Acceptance means we observe the narcissist’s behaviour and accept that the narcissist does what he or she does because they are a narcissist. With this acceptance you will no longer have the need to change or fix the narcissist for your own wellbeing.

The gift in learning how to stop trying to get accountability is the peace and the acceptance that we are Unlimited Beings with all of the resources of life at our disposal. We don’t have to try to force unmakeable deals to work – because there is plenty more of what we really want available in life.

You need to establish that you DO have the resources within you to create your own truth and fullness. You can allow others to be whoever they wish to be, and if who they are or what they do does not line up with your Truth, then that person does not need to be your reality. Leave and stop participating and put your focus fully onto creating what it is that you want.

I hope this article helped you realise just how much damage fighting to get accountability is causing you.

Next time you judge someone or their actions as ‘wrong’ remember to apply acceptance instead. Everyone is doing their own journey in their own way, given their map of the world. Now set yourself free to choose your truth regardless of what this person is or isn’t doing, and if their truth is not a match for yours it certainly does not have to play any part as your truth anymore.

– See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trying-to-make-the-narcissist-accountable-is-keeping-you-hooked/#sthash.rIkY83cv.dpuf

Bubble Girl

This excerpt says it all. Denial is such a powerful defense mechanism but so detrimental to healing.

“Codepdendents with significant unmet emotional needs are masters of denial. It comes built in. For their whole lives, these people have been living a lie – pretending, wishing, yearning that their lives were lovely when in reality they were unbearably painful emotionally and perhaps physically. They can’t stop lying now. If reality sinks in, the wracking past will surface with all its open sores, its pockets of pus and filth. Codependents have spent a lifetime burying that mess. Denial, therefore, becomes a major hurdle to healing!! In fact, healing cannot behind until denial is dealt with properly.”

Falling in Love with Freedom

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Denial. I used to live wrapped up in its hypnotically charged blanket, succumbed into thinking I was safe in my little bubble of “happiness”. But recovery requires facing things the acknowledgment and embracing of truths that can be hurtful, painful to recall, enraging, etc. The second half of Chapter 3 from Love is a Choice discusses this exact point.

“If the effects of codependency are so glaringly obvious, why bother with counseling? After all, surely the sufferer need simply identify with the problem and take steps to resolve it…

Codepdendents with significant unmet emotional needs are masters of denial. It comes built in. For their whole lives, these people have been living a lie – pretending, wishing, yearning that their lives were lovely when in reality they were unbearably painful emotionally and perhaps physically. They can’t stop lying now. If reality sinks in, the wracking past will surface with all its…

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Sexless? No Thanks I Need Sex

I just read an article that stated that 1 in every 5 marriages is sexless! They define sexless as having sex less that 4 times a year. Um 4 times a year seems like an improvement to our stats the previous 5 years lol.

Seriously who doesn’t like sex???

I have always been a huge fan of sex. For me it was always an important part of a relationship. Granted I have had relatively fewer partners than most women my age (6). But in a loving, committed relationship I felt free to explore and I enjoy trying new things. I enjoy exploring multiple times a day lol.

So to have no sex for a few years? I’m probably lucky I didn’t end up in a padded room. I was so unhappy and felt completely ugly and constantly rejected.

It also helps with my depression and is necessary to my happiness.

Even though we are currently having sex, it’s still not as easy as it was with P. He and I could discuss anything and everything without being awkward or uncomfortable. There’s a distance there with H that while improving slowly, still very much exists. I have no idea why. Since I am open and honest, it must be coming from hubby.

Sometimes I think he got used to using porn and jerking off for so many years before we even met. But we dated for 4 years before we got married and the sex was great! I wouldn’t have said yes if it wasn’t.

I’ve been looking for a good sex therapist in our area and will make some calls tomorrow. He has to be ready, willing and able. He says he is, so hopefully this will help.

It does not nor will it ever excuse cheating. But it’s a sad fact that life isn’t black and white. I know now that an affair wasn’t the answer for me. I also know that as stupid and naive as it seems, we fell deeply in love. It’s not easy to find everything you need in one person. I really thought I had but obviously that wasn’t enough.

I will continue to work to have the marriage I need to be happy but I will never again go months or years without physical love and intimacy. No matter how much I love someone. Life is too short not to be happy, enjoyed and loved.

How Codependents Leave Abusive Narcissistic Relationships

Please read this extremely important article.

“Generally, codependents feel consistently unfulfilled in relationships and are the ones who tend to get deeply stuck in purgatory with an abusive narcissist.

If you are a codependent in a relationship with an abusive narcissist and are asking yourself, “Why am I feeling so crazy?”  It’s time to let the narcissist go.  It is time to let him or her off the hook.  Like your caretakers, the abusive narcissist is constitutionally incapable of loving you. That doesn’t mean you can’t love that person anymore.  It means that you are ready to feel the immense relief that comes when you begin accepting the truth and stop denying reality.  You release the narcissist to be who he or she actually is.  You stop trying to make that person be someone he or she is not.  You deal with your feelings and walk away from the abusive relationship. You stop letting what you are not getting from the narcissist control you and you take responsibility for your life.  You then begin the process of healing and loving yourself.

Get angry, feel hurt, and land in a place of self forgiveness.  Your life in purgatory will end.  You will no longer be a victim of abuse.  You will recognize that you have been mistreated and allowed yourself to be mistreated.  You will no longer create, seek out, or re-create situations that victimized you.  You stand in your power and no longer live in quiet desperation.”

SITE FOR CREATIVE SOLUTIONS

Courtesy Wikipedia Courtesy Wikipedia

You may be feeling crazy because you love a narcissist and are afraid to leave the abusive relationship.  It will be easier to help yourself leave the more you know about codependency and narcissistic personality disorder.   Abusive narcissists require someone who is willing to cater to their needs and to give up their own desires.  Narcissists are self-destructive people with concealed low self-esteem and insatiable needs for attention and nothing to give. They parasitically attach to a giving, supportive person who avoids center stage and thrives on taking care of others.

Expecting something from an abusive narcissist who has nothing to give can make a codependent feel crazy.  Trying to pretend that the narcissist is someone he or she is not can drive you wild.  So what is codependency?  Codependents are people who have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from their past and present.  Codependents spend years trying to get…

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Happy Days

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The view from the back deck of the lake house.

Today is a good day.  I am feeling happy and grateful for all that I have.  I have been reading a lot about gratitude and joy. With any type of mental illness (in my case depression) it’s definitely easy to forget sometimes how lucky I truly am.  I have a wonderful family and a great group of friends.  Instead of focusing on what I don’t have or what’s missing, I am instead choosing to embrace the people who love me and want to be in my life.  They are each one a blessing and I am making a point of sharing this with them.

I am trying to be kinder and gentler in my approach of people.  I tend to be very direct and good or bad, you will always know where you stand with me.  I am getting in touch with my inner self and I think this will be a positive thing. I’m learning it is better to be kind than it is to be right.  I’m also a smartass but this I cannot change lol.

Thankfully, my Hubby and those closest to me know that under my tough exterior lies a huge, passionate and sensitive heart.  I am caring, compassionate and loyal to a fault (yes I am aware of the irony of this, thanks).  To be loved and accepted for who you are is a gift that I treasure.

The sun is shining and tonight I have a reception to attend with my husband.  Believe me, it totally sounds much swankier than it is lol.  But the booze is free, the food is great and last year I won 3 raffle prizes 🙂

I’m going to my friend’s beach club cabana tomorrow.  I have absolutely nothing to complain about.  In 2 weeks I have a week vacation and we will be spending it at my parent’s lake cottage.  It is so peaceful, beautiful and relaxing there.  I have so many wonderful memories there, especially of my Mom.  She designed the house and I can strongly feel her presence whenever I am there.

From Lessons In Life:

Find someone that isn’t afraid to admit they miss you. Someone that knows you’re not perfect but treats you as if you are. Someone who couldn’t imagine losing you. Someone who gives their heart to you completely. Someone who says I love you and proves it. Last but not least, find someone who wouldn’t mind waking up to you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and grey hair but still falls in love with you all over again.
~Unknown

FB Isn’t Always the Devil

This post is petty and slightly meangirlish (new word lol) but not quite a rant.

As my relationship with P is now over (yes I know it’s been over for 8 months but my heart held on for a while and only recently got the memo :)), I allowed myself one last glance at his Facebook. I haven’t looked at his sister’s page in months. I was so very glad that I did.

So n so (aka the frigid narcissist) has been spending hours at the gym every day and night, rather than with her kids or husband.  I guess I just expected she was losing weight and getting toned. This is most definitely NOT the case! She looks absolutely horrible from the waist up!  Picture a big bulky bulging male bodybuilder with a woman’s face! Ewww NOT a good look. And she had on all ripped white jeans. She’s 46 not 20!

I know it makes me a bad person so please forgive me, but I was at once overjoyed and horrified. It was like watching a train wreck and I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

Knowing P is now obviously attracted to that Arnold Schwarzenegger type physique while I am blessed with the softer well-proportioned curves of Marilyn Monroe? LOL Well I’m really becoming okay with us not being together anymore!  I have lost so much love and respect for him.  How could he possibly ever be able to fix us?

Frankly when he told me he’s like the caring, sensitive Mom and she’s like the cold, distant Dad? I thought he was talking about personality only.  But now I wonder a little? Hmmm?? I know from his Mom he cried when both their kids were born, she never did.  Even my sis-in-law who is not emotional at all cried when my nieces and nephew were born!

What makes this just plain sad is that So so was a very pretty woman previously.  She has always been extremely superficial, shallow and vain. She wears TONS of layers of makeup and won’t even answer the door for the mailman without being all decked out.  
Beauty is HER THING, actually her only thing besides cutting hair.  It’s literally ALL she has going for her. Spends hours checking herself out in mirrors. P used to send pics of her doing it and honestly I thought it was funny, creepy but also pathetic.

We all want to look our best and be found beautiful and sexy. But what about developing your mind or improving your heart and helping people? Isn’t that much more beautiful than taking endless selfies and admiring yourself in a mirror? When people tell me I’m beautiful and pretty, I always hope they see more than my hair, boobs, eyes, etc. I like to think they see my good and loving heart 😉

At age 22 she was even on the cover of a local bridal magazine. But suprisingly she also has the HUGEST hands of any woman I have ever seen! (See video below lol) It was so noticeable they actually had to photoshop (this was pre-photoshop so whatever they used back then in the 80s) someone else’s hand into the photo! So now she has the man hands, man arms and man chest.  WOW! She can snap P like a twig and he’s not small lol. Definitely helps me not being attracted to him like I was before.

I always thought she would land on her feet (back when we had made plans to be together) as she’s a narcissist AND she was very pretty.  But now she has all these wrinkles and lines on her face that even makeup cannot disguise.  Her looks are fading extremely fast and of course I think this is just as it should be.  I guess eventually who you are inside catches up with who you are outside.  She had absolutely everyone fooled except P and kids for over 20 years!!!! So if u think about it, that’s actually a pretty good run.

I start to pity her but then I think of all the pain, misery and dysfunction her selfishness, lies and manipulations have caused.  It’s bad enough to call your husband a pervert for wanting to have sex with you, never show him love or affection.  Then after years of neglect, when he goes and finds that love and affection, he’s the horrible monster. Regardless, he’s an adult and he puts up with the sick twisted games, the ignoring unless she needs something and he’s the chump that is WASTING his entire life day after day.

But those kids!  Their son is 17 and can’t even use the urinal at school because So so taught P and later son to wipe with toilet paper after they pee!!!  Shaking is not good enough for the narcissist!! She doesn’t have a penis, but sure she’s qualified to tell you what to do with that penis!?!?!?  WTF?!?!? Last summer P had a paper cut on his penis! I am not even making that up lol. Guys is this not controlling, demented and bizarre?

To So so I say:
Keep spending hours at the gym bulking up to look like a man with your back bulging freakishly out of a tank top.  Keep ignoring the fact that your daughter needs serious help and that she deserves a lot more of your time and your attention. NOT MORE TOYS AND THINGS SO YOU CAN BUY HER LOVE while spending NO TIME WITH HER! Oh and taking her to the gym so she can use the pool while you work out, ignore her and video yourself for instagram?? IT’S PATHETIC AND DOESN”T FRIGGIN COUNT!!!

To P:  What the hell happened to that amazingly loving, funny and strong man I loved? I hope one day you stop being in denial and I hope by then you haven’t wasted your whole adult life, alone and without any love or affection.  But if you have, you will have no one but yourself to blame.  Stop being addicted to her abuse and GET YOURSELF REAL HELP QUALIFIED TO DEAL WITH NARCISSISTIC ABUSE for you and the kids!!!!  The sooner they know it is not their fault she is the way she is, the better off they will be!

Good luck buddy!  You are gonna need it!  You certainly did not take any of my advice and you have certainly NOT Gone Where the Love Is!

 

Does Lack of Yawn Contagion Predict Narcissism??

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if this simple test could help identify narcissists? Very interesting indeed!

Wendy Powell's Life Coaching

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI just spent the last six business days listening to some experts presenting at the Professional Update that I organized for this year. It is specifically designed to keep the professionals that I work with up to date with the advancements in Veterinary Medicine.

One of the concepts that comes up repeatedly is the issue of sensitivity and specificity. Very scientific sounding, but in simple terms, they let you know the chance that your “test” will give you accurate results. If a test is very sensitive it will find every case of disease. If it is specific, it will never tell you there is disease when there is not.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say, hypothetically, that without empathy you have no yawn contagion. Yawn contagion is the simple truth that when someone yawns, we all start yawning. Yes, you, I’m directing this comment at those that can feel…

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