Sometimes the biggest gift we can give ourselves is letting go. For me personally, letting go n feeling closure comes from knowledge and understanding. I find it brings me comfort and healing. While I get that it probably makes little to no difference, it helps me process and is a necessary step for me to move on. I also know that closure is completely impossible with a narcissist, so stop waiting and trying for something you cannot have.
Over the last year I have read and learned a lot about Narcissism, a personality disorder that affects 6.2% of the population. So so (P’s wife) is a frigid narcissist with low emotional intelligence.
I needed to understand how someone could CHOOSE to stay married to someone so selfish, incapable of empathy, distant, cold, completely fake, unaffectionate, shallow and a really shitty mother (I’m paraphrasing 13 year old daughter’s therapist) and wife. I was able to find some answers.
While I now know how and why it happens, I will never accept denying the truth and continuing on with the charade. Especially when you see the damage continuing to live this pathetic sham has done and continues to do to your children.
I don’t blame P for being so damaged and screwed up. But I do blame him for knowing the truth and staying unhappy. Because he’s too weak, complacent, addicted and scared to leave, he shows his kids he doesn’t count. He has also taught them that you can get what you want by bullying and manipulation with little to no consequences.
They won’t see that he sacrificed his happiness for theirs because they aren’t happy in the fake, toxic environment in which they live! Teenagers see and know a lot. They feel the lack of love and affection between P and the narcissist. They don’t need a manservant who lets their Mom bully and control him while she lives a single life. They need a strong, loving father to teach them self-control, guidance and discipline. His heart is in the right place but he’s totally screwing it up. I fear this will never change as long as he’s in denial and his therapist has no clue what he’s dealing with.
As for me, I am going to enjoy the summer with my dear H, my family, great friends and eventually forget all about this chapter of my life. I do feel lucky to have experienced great joy, love, passion and happiness for a while. But the pain, loss, misery, sadness, abandonment and damage to my self-esteem was simply not worth it.
Do I regret loving someone who has no idea how to love n be loved? I’m still not sure. I think I’m just disappointed by his lack of caring for me and his unwillingness to make necessary changes. But I hope he figures it out one day n finds real love. Hopefully someone without a personality disorder 🙂
“Remember, you don’t need to be out of the relationship to start feeling better.Whether you’re in it or out of it, the recovery needs to start now. You can mentally break free from your toxic partner whether you’re maintaining “no contact” or still struggling with it, whether your suffering through another silent treatment and expecting a return, or whether this person is hoovering right now to get you back. The more you wait, the more time you waste.”
Why do so many amazing people develop such a twisted codependency to the narcissistic nonsense? Well, I believe that it starts with the passive-aggressive conditioning put upon us by the narcissist– conditioning that is fully intended to make us feel desperate and insecure within the relationship. Since desperation and insecurity are two of the biggest causes of codependency, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make the connection. We, ourselves, become part of the chaos and turmoil and, during the invoking of a silent treatment we become part of the deafening silence. In essence, we turn our hope for a happy ending into a codependency that never ends happily.
Our codependency to the narcissistic game of cat and mouse builds gradually – just as the narcissist intends. The more gradual the build, the less likely we are to even notice our demise until we are smack dab in the middle of the shit! At that point, we are almost powerless to pull out because there’s always more to do, to find out, to investigate, and more bullshit to put up with. We hope and pray that this time it will be different…that we can love the narcissist out of her/his crappy behavior. But we never can and we never will.
The victim of narcissistic abuse spends a good deal of their waking life in a relationship with a person who neglects them on every level and will, in a moment’s notice, abandon them. Maybe not physically leave, but they will never be there to love and support you. You are forever trying to figure out “the secrets” – of which there are many (although they will state otherwise) – and this can take hour after consuming hour as the desperation mounts. Keeping the codependency alive and strong in their victim/partner is very much a requirement of the narcissist’s pathological agenda.
The victim, in much the same way, actually becomes addicted to the agenda as well but receives far less pleasure than the narcissist who literally thrives off of their partner’s unrequited love suffering.
Codependency in relationships is hard enough without the other partner having a personality disorder that can never be fixed. When narcissism becomes part of the equation, life takes a much sharper and far more miserable turn than ever before. Codependents will usually accept themselves as being damaged in order to “fix” another person.
Breaking this type of codependency is difficult because we associate the desperation that we feel with our love for the perpetrator. This causes mental confusion and an anxious willingness to hang in there…. to try it one more time because maybe she’ll change. A few weeks go by and they are being nicer. They might even go to therapy with you a few times. But sadly it never lasts long. Then, before we know it, years and sometimes decades have passed and everything is exactly the same as its always been.
You cannot truly be there for your kids while you are still under the narcissist’s spell. This is very different than most separations. In most cases of separation, you stay to help your kids. But with a narcissist, staying abused only continues the dysfunctional family dynamics. This leaves your children far more confused and unhappy than if they had one stable parent.
Like any addiction to a bad thing, our codependency to the narcissistic behaviors and tactics of our partner must be dealt with seriously and in an effective manner that will give us lasting results.
For our own sanity, we must certainly be accountable.
Much of this post comes from Zari Ballard’s 2 books. Although I don’t sell anything on my blog, I think these 2 books are definitely worth $5.99.
So if any of this resonates with you at all, please read them and all the information available, find a therapist experienced with narcissism, codependency and narcissistic abuse, get stronger, break free and change your life.
Lesson learned. If something seems to good to be true, it probably is lol.
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Do you have a narcissistic partner? Are you tired of being subjected to emotional manipulation and silent treatments? Are you desperate to make sense of the madness yet afraid to ask questions? Are you willing to go No Contact but don’t have the slightest idea where to begin and what to do if the narcissist hoovers? Well, if you haven’t read Zari Ballard’s Amazon Best Seller When Love Is a Lie and the interactive workbook companion book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, you’re missing out on a chance to escape the misery once and for all.