I keep running into men and women, both in real life and online that have allowed themselves to become emotional doormats to the very women and men that are supposed to love them. Some stay because they truly love the person they married and only want to spend their lives together, no matter what. But from what I have seen, read and experienced, this is not the most common or compelling reason they stay in an unhappy, dead marriage.
Lots of people stay “for the kids” and because they worry about what their family and friends will say, some stay because they are lonely but comfortable in everyday life. Some are unhappy and dissatisfied with their marriage but too lazy and complacent to make changes.
I think a huge number of men, and women too for that matter, stay out of FEAR. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake. I know P has stayed for years feeling alone, unloved and not happy because of his fear. He was physically and emotionally abused and has had a lifelong anxiety disorder. Wonder why right? Then to make things worse, he made the wonderful choice to marry a cold, often cruel, frigid narcissist. Because she was 100% italian and beautiful, she was the only one deemed worthy by his immigrant Italian parents. He has never been good enough for her or at least has always felt that way. And he’s so messed up that he thinks that’s love and that’s what he deserves. That’s actually what he’s comfortable with. He admitted how damaged a person he is and is getting himself help. But it’s just too late to fix what we had.
I totally get that it’s terrifying to make significant life changes. And despite what I have been through, I still believe in marriage.
Personally, I will not leave my marriage unless and until I know that I have tried every way possible to fix what has been broken. Both my H and I have made huge mistakes. Neither of us is blameless or a victim. We take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Progress is slow and as I have already mentioned, patience is not a virtue I was blessed with.
I cannot believe what an idiot I used to be. I really thought the person that loved less had more power because they cared less. It is absolutely untrue, ridiculous and not very kind or loving thinking. My husband and I used to joke and say it was 51 % his love and 49% mine. I thought I was so smart. Obviously that didn’t keep our marriage train from totally derailing right off the tracks! Now I know that it has to be 50/50, with power shifting back and forth as circumstances and needs dictate.
To all of us that have ever let someone make us feel not good enough, I say this. Stop being an emotional doormat! Anyone that doesn’t value you or make you feel beautiful and special? Screw them! They are unworthy of your time or attention. So please stop wasting it hemming and hawwing. Should I stay or should I go? YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER. Go where the love is!
My H is kind, loving, sweet and makes me laugh. We’re still working on the feeling beautiful and wanted lol. But we are happy and I am lucky.