When Will Some Men (& Women) Say Enough?

I keep running into men and women, both in real life and online that have allowed themselves to become emotional doormats to the very women and men that are supposed to love them.  Some stay because they truly love the person they married and only want to spend their lives together, no matter what.  But from what I have seen, read and experienced, this is not the most common or compelling reason they stay in an unhappy, dead marriage.

Lots of people stay “for the kids” and because they worry about what their family and friends will say, some stay because they are lonely but comfortable in everyday life.  Some are unhappy and dissatisfied with their marriage but too lazy and complacent to make changes.

I think a huge number of men, and women too for that matter, stay out of FEAR.  Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake.  I know P has stayed for years feeling alone, unloved and not happy because of his fear.  He was physically and emotionally abused and has had a lifelong anxiety disorder.  Wonder why right?  Then to make things worse, he made the wonderful choice to marry a cold, often cruel, frigid narcissist. Because she was 100% italian and beautiful, she was the only one deemed worthy by his immigrant Italian parents. He has never been good enough for her or at least has always felt that way.  And he’s so messed up that he thinks that’s love and that’s what he deserves.  That’s actually what he’s comfortable with.  He admitted how damaged a person he is and is getting himself help.  But it’s just too late to fix what we had.

I totally get that it’s terrifying to make significant life changes.  And despite what I have been through, I still believe in marriage.

Personally, I will not leave my marriage unless and until I know that I have tried every way possible to fix what has been broken.  Both my H and I have made huge mistakes.  Neither of us is blameless or a victim.  We take 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  Progress is slow and as I have already mentioned, patience is not a virtue I was blessed with.

I cannot believe what an idiot I used to be.  I really thought the person that loved less had more power because they cared less.  It is absolutely untrue, ridiculous and not very kind or loving thinking.  My husband and I used to joke and say it was 51 % his love and 49% mine.  I thought I was so smart. Obviously that didn’t keep our marriage train from totally derailing right off the tracks!  Now I know that it has to be 50/50, with power shifting back and forth as circumstances and needs dictate.

To all of us that have ever let someone make us feel not good enough, I say this. Stop being an emotional doormat! Anyone that doesn’t value you or make you feel beautiful and special? Screw them! They are unworthy of your time or attention. So please stop wasting it hemming and hawwing. Should I stay or should I go? YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER. Go where the love is!

My H is kind, loving, sweet and makes me laugh. We’re still working on the feeling beautiful and wanted lol. But we are happy and I am lucky.

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50 thoughts on “When Will Some Men (& Women) Say Enough?

  1. throughthestorm says:

    I loved what you said about fear. That was so true for me. I definitely stayed because I was afraid but I have found that the unknown actually isn’t all that scary. And its definitely much better than being in a relationship where you are not valued and respected. I also really loved your last paragraph. I think you wrote it for me haha. Great post!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. uehobbyist says:

    I just got home from a run pondering this stuff, to find your post queued in my reader. LOL. Timing is everything. Well said. My wife and I have each taken turns being the doormat in our marriage. We’ve agreed that at different times each of us has felt neglected and each has been guilty of neglect. No innocent party. Slowly working through issues over the next few months. I am not sure where it will end up. Great friends. Comfort. Still in love. But also wanting to go in different directions.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. New Journey says:

    I started to reply but my anger rose so I had to walk away…I am calm once more and can tell you I stayed way to long in a marriage that I should of never been in…I stayed for my son, I couldn’t bring myself to leave and disrupt what he perceived as a happy family, mommy daddy and him…but reality was, I was being abused emotionally…if you knew me, you would say…what she would never let a man or anyone talk down to her or walk all over her….isn’t it funny what you do for the love of your child…well five years after I first contemplated leaving my ex, I did, broke my child’s heart…that is a reality I live with every day…he was eight then and crushed…but 20 years later he sees the reason why and has since forgiven me and says I was a better mother for doing it…his father was from El Salvador, a very passionate man, but what a controlling SOB….I couldn’t even look up at the store if the cashier was a man as he would accuse me of either had, or wanting to have sex with him….over and over I put up with this BS all in the name of love for a child…I could go on and on about living a life under a microscope of a control freak…but it wouldn’t change anything, I did it for my son, in retrospect I should of ran the day I told him I was pregnant and he told me how sad it was an ignorant white woman was having his child…he would have to be raised Salvadorian and not have any influence from me….yes I should of ran, long and hard and as far away as I could….I stayed, tried to make it work, tried for my child…didn’t work…I am a stronger better woman for having done that…I was strong before but lost my way in the name of love (for my child) not my ex…so keep putting it out there for young women and men to read that no one should ever loose who they are or be treated less by anyone…no matter….

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Jeri C. says:

    Fear is a powerful thing. Making the choice to leave an abusive relationship is difficult when you are in the middle of it. The realization that I was in a toxic or abusive situation was key for me as well as finding others who understood my situation or had similar experiences.
    Talking with family and friends wasn’t helpful, although their support was appreciated, they couldn’t understand the hold he had over me or how much I lived in fear of what leaving would do to me or our child.
    Now on the other side, I haven’t seen my son this happy in years. We are both still healing but compared to 11 months ago, 2 completely different, happy people.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. gijoefun79 says:

    At times we are all someone else’s doormat. In order for my kids to even see me I have to stay. If I did leave I would never see them again. The wife would simply pull out my emotional, physical, and especially mental disabilities. Any judge that got a look at my mental records would ensure that I would not see them alone. So therefore that is the only way they will seeme. They love me and make me happy…. thus not only seeing me loved and happy!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. gijoefun79 says:

    If your marriage was so good then why such big mistakes on both parts? Obviously you are just like me and most others. You are doing the best you can with what you have. I, and most, can think of more reasons to stay than to leave. Being the emotional doormat to the narcissist is the best I can do. The twists and turns of life has me placed to where if I left things would be a lot worse than they are now.
    I stay so I can be a special part of my kids lives. I stay not out of fear, but the knowledge of how much more difficult my life would be if I left. I stay because no one can ever really know if they have tried everything to fix what has been broken. I stay for me.

    Like

    • emmagc75 says:

      Obviously? Lol um no I’m not married to a narcissist. And I’m not anyone’s emotional doormat. U can’t fix a narcissist but you can absolutely waste your life trying. Don’t you want your kids to see you loved n happy?

      Liked by 1 person

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