Regrets, I Have A Few

Today I regret meeting him, falling in love with him and giving him my whole heart. Because I unknowingly gave him a tiny part of my soul. And while I have recovered the pieces of my shattered heart, and it is healing very well, I truly feared he would always claim ownership over my soul. It is not what I want or would ever choose for myself. But it is what seems to have happened. Thankfully, now that I realize how damaged and miserable he is, I have stopped being afraid. And now I know only God has anything to do with my soul.

Life is a journey with many twists and turns. Until recently, I felt like I would never be that happy again. Do you have any idea how horrible it made me feel to know that all my love and devotion meant so little to him? That he is sooo addicted to the frigid narcissist and chasing her unworthy ass that he will give her chance after chance to show how much she doesn’t care about him or their kids?

Or, she shuts you off sexually, avoids intimacy, and shows you no warmth so that you feel abandoned. If you seek comfort elsewhere, she can paint you as the bad guy for having an affair—never mind that she starved you of love and affection.

She’ll also blame you for her frigidity by saying that “maybe” she would have wanted to have sex with you more often if you weren’t so—fill in the blank—”angry, hostile, distant, spent too much time at work (to support her, mind you), or were ‘nicer’ to her.” She makes you feel like the sexual deviant, pathologizing you for the very natural desire for emotional and sexual intimacy. In reality, she’s the one who can’t handle intimacy and has seriously warped sexuality issues.

Why would anyone CHOOSE to stay addicted to an empty person exactly like this? She actually videos herself at the gym now and puts it on instagram!!!!! LMAO! Narcissist party of one?!

Does he even realize how much of a fool he has become? Over the last 8 months, he may be thinner but he’s lost more of himself. He’s colder, harder and more selfish like her than ever. He used to be kind, sweet and loving. He needs love and affection more than anyone I have ever met in my life, yet he stays with a woman who never touches him ever lol. It’s sick and I want to forget I ever knew him, loved him and now pity him.

His complete abandonment and betrayal has damaged me in ways I never thought possible.  This is not what I want anymore. He is too screwed up and stuck to ever be worth risking my heart again.

I want him gone. Erased from my memories and cast out from my heart. Remembering what once was does me no good and wishing things were different is absolutely pointless. But that doesn’t seem to have stopped me from wishing he was a stronger man, a better man.  A man that would’ve found a way not to hurt me and let me go. He wasn’t and he never will be.

So why did he feel like a part of me? Why was I so sure for so long (until very recently) that he is my destiny? I don’t want him in my life anymore. I only want peace and joy. With him there would just be more suffering. I’ve suffered quite enough thanks.

Please be very careful who you entrust with the precious gift of your heart. It will irrevocably change you and you might not get all the pieces back if it is broken.

I know I am very lucky to have learned this before I made a huge, irrevocable mistake. While this was a very painful chapter in my life, I am coming out the other side. I am wiser, stronger and better than before. And yes I am going where the love is 🙂

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46 thoughts on “Regrets, I Have A Few

  1. wood says:

    Damn I have been there feeling that way being with the wrong person. But it’s necessary to separate yourself from that person for your own sanity and healing. I will be praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Have you seen Chris? says:

    Ugh – I think I said before – that person will never disappear. He has forever become part of your life (ok at least until Jesus comes back so maybe not forever). So we have to take that person and put them in a box and label it with skill and crossbones and nuclear danger stickers. Then you might find the box, but you just put it back on the shelf. If you open it, we all might die!! Ok that last part is an exaggeration too, but you get the point? Grace, peace and spaghetti!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. New Journey says:

    I never talk about this, but I know the man who has my soul, unfortunately its not my husband, I love him very much and would never do anything to hurt him in anyway…this man, who was and still is my soul mate, I met many yeas ago (92′-93sh) …I was just getting over a bad marriage…and this man and I met as friends, we laughed and enjoyed each others company…the intimacy didn’t come until later..( and was it hot and intimate, never felt like that with anyone before or after – magical)..I knew he was separated from his wife, she took his beautiful little girl and went back to Mexico to mamas house, life was to hard here for her to handle…I never met her but I have a good imagination and saw pictures, she was a princess…he would go back to see her and his daughter, but she always refused to come back…so we always took up where we left off…I knew what I was doing and what this made me….but I didn’t care…I knew that there was always the chance he would not come back one time…but I did fall head over heals in love with him, and him with me….but we both knew he would never divorce her, marriage was marriage, sacred HAAA…but until he was ready to recommit to the marriage we had us…to this day I can sit by the ocean, close my eyes and see his brown loving eyes looking into mine…feel him, and I am sure he can do the same about me….he came back and told me that he was going to be a father again…at that moment, it was over…I asked him to leave and never call me…was I hurt….yes but I had no one to blame but me…he called me a few times and we went for drives to the beach and had a meal together…but no romance, no holding one another in the night, never would I ever smell his scent….how do I deal with the empty feelings I have…I put them in a special little box I made for his soul in my heart….every now and then I go to the ocean, sit on the rock where we always sat, take out my little box from the depths of my heart and whisper his name, over and over and over again…enough until I feel the hurt start to recede back into the box…then I get in my car, blast our favorite music, (The Gypsy Kings) and drive home and give the man who chooses to love me and be with me in the here and now a huge hug and tell him how much I love him…just wanted to share…kathy

    Liked by 3 people

  4. omtatjuan3 says:

    You and me both sister.. You haven’t a clue what happened to me over these last 17 years.. No word from her in 15 years then she shows up.. Says help me my evil bad guy I live with hurts me.. I help her and where does she go…. You guessed it..

    Liked by 2 people

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