Regrets, I Have A Few

Today I regret meeting him, falling in love with him and giving him my whole heart. Because I unknowingly gave him a tiny part of my soul. And while I have recovered the pieces of my shattered heart, and it is healing very well, I truly feared he would always claim ownership over my soul. It is not what I want or would ever choose for myself. But it is what seems to have happened. Thankfully, now that I realize how damaged and miserable he is, I have stopped being afraid. And now I know only God has anything to do with my soul.

Life is a journey with many twists and turns. Until recently, I felt like I would never be that happy again. Do you have any idea how horrible it made me feel to know that all my love and devotion meant so little to him? That he is sooo addicted to the frigid narcissist and chasing her unworthy ass that he will give her chance after chance to show how much she doesn’t care about him or their kids?

Or, she shuts you off sexually, avoids intimacy, and shows you no warmth so that you feel abandoned. If you seek comfort elsewhere, she can paint you as the bad guy for having an affair—never mind that she starved you of love and affection.

She’ll also blame you for her frigidity by saying that “maybe” she would have wanted to have sex with you more often if you weren’t so—fill in the blank—”angry, hostile, distant, spent too much time at work (to support her, mind you), or were ‘nicer’ to her.” She makes you feel like the sexual deviant, pathologizing you for the very natural desire for emotional and sexual intimacy. In reality, she’s the one who can’t handle intimacy and has seriously warped sexuality issues.

Why would anyone CHOOSE to stay addicted to an empty person exactly like this? She actually videos herself at the gym now and puts it on instagram!!!!! LMAO! Narcissist party of one?!

Does he even realize how much of a fool he has become? Over the last 8 months, he may be thinner but he’s lost more of himself. He’s colder, harder and more selfish like her than ever. He used to be kind, sweet and loving. He needs love and affection more than anyone I have ever met in my life, yet he stays with a woman who never touches him ever lol. It’s sick and I want to forget I ever knew him, loved him and now pity him.

His complete abandonment and betrayal has damaged me in ways I never thought possible.  This is not what I want anymore. He is too screwed up and stuck to ever be worth risking my heart again.

I want him gone. Erased from my memories and cast out from my heart. Remembering what once was does me no good and wishing things were different is absolutely pointless. But that doesn’t seem to have stopped me from wishing he was a stronger man, a better man.  A man that would’ve found a way not to hurt me and let me go. He wasn’t and he never will be.

So why did he feel like a part of me? Why was I so sure for so long (until very recently) that he is my destiny? I don’t want him in my life anymore. I only want peace and joy. With him there would just be more suffering. I’ve suffered quite enough thanks.

Please be very careful who you entrust with the precious gift of your heart. It will irrevocably change you and you might not get all the pieces back if it is broken.

I know I am very lucky to have learned this before I made a huge, irrevocable mistake. While this was a very painful chapter in my life, I am coming out the other side. I am wiser, stronger and better than before. And yes I am going where the love is 🙂