As we know narcissists often act in ways that defy all definition of normal. They regularly break the rules, tell lies, break promises, degrade, demean and exhibit unjust, aggressive and abusive behaviour that is inappropriate, childish, without remorse and totally inhuman.
It’s likely, if you have suffered narcissistic abuse, that you have a high level of integrity, and it’s likely you’re known as a person who does the right thing. You have a conscience, and because you do, you’re mindful of considering your environment and other people.
Therefore you will be dismayed, and even regularly incensed by the narcissist’s inability to conduct themselves appropriately, or abide by basic human morality and decency.
It’s likely that you will fight for decency and morality. Before long you’ll find yourself lecturing and prescribing ‘correct behaviour’ as if you were talking to a 5 year old.
YOU act responsibly and uphold your integrity, therefore why shouldn’t THEY?
Life with a narcissist is like a bag of tricks, and a box of chocolates. You never know what will morph out of thin air, or be unwrapped next. You are constantly on edge, walking on broken glass and suffering from high levels of anxiety. Understandably you want the instability and madness to stop…
Forcing accountability logically seems to be the answer, so that the crazy feelings and fear can end.
Your Integrity Is Used Against You
It’s extremely important to know the strength you possess – integrity, is in fact one of the greatest weapons that the narcissist uses against you. Firstly understand the narcissist purposefully targets people who have high levels of integrity.
The reason is he or she knows:
- You will take responsibility for cleaning up the messes that the narcissist creates.
- You will stoically work overtime on cleaning up these messes.
- You are the perfect person to blame, because you vehemently try to prove your integrity to the narcissist, rather than leave, despite the abuse.
- By focusing on trying to get the narcissist to act like a responsible and considerate adult you will hand over lots of much needed narcissistic supply (attention).
- The narcissist can accuse you of lack of integrity in any area you pride yourself in – (being a good parent, a caring role model, a pet lover, an honest business person etc. etc.) which grants omnipotent delight when the narcissist views how much this maims you.
- You will be a partner ‘who loves and cares’, therefore willingly handing over your resources, time, support and money.
By preying on your need for integrity the narcissist has set you up to lose your mind. The more he or she attacks and pillages supply and resources from you as a result of your high levels of integrity – the more you will try to righteously force the narcissist to be accountable. In fact you may go out of your way to prove a point, and do the ‘right thing’ – to set the right example, hoping that the narcissist will learn and start acting like a decent person.
The narcissist by the very definition of what a narcissist is, does not want to be accountable, does not want to ‘play fair’, does not want to conform and does not want to ‘do the right thing.’ A narcissist believes playing by the rules makes him or her like everyone else.
In fact the narcissist watches you doing all of the ‘right things’ and inwardly laughs about how pathetic you are for doing it, and loves it because it gives her or him ample opportunity to keep mining supplies whilst you keep trying to force them to be as ‘good’ as you.
The narcissist believes ‘being good’ would mean being reduced to a mere human, swallowed whole and controlled by the system. The narcissist thinks this will create vulnerability and take away his or her ‘edge’ of remaining separate, having the upper hand and securing narcissistic supply. To co-operate means he or she will have no way to steal energy to fill up the empty painful void within – and this would spell emotional annihilation.
You must understand that there is now way to make the narcissist accountable – and trying to is one of the greatest hooks that are keeping you stuck in abuse.
The Deadly Dance
A horrible addiction process occurs when you try to exert control over the narcissist’s actions and demand his or her accountability. In fact the more you try to control the uncontrollable, the more you lose control of yourself.
As your focus on trying to make the narcissist ‘normal’ and ‘decent’ intensifies, the more you expose yourself to the mind-bending twists and turns, the insane behaviour and the intense gas-lighting, manoeuvres, projections, justifications and downright lies that will tear your self-esteem and self-belief apart.
Before long you will think you are losing your mind, and you find that you can barely function. As the process intensifies you will feel so empty, tormented and anguished that you may feel like life is not worth living.
I promise you it is the strongest, most intelligent people with high integrity that suffer the most in this deadly dance. Be very aware you can’t win this game with the narcissist – and trying to win will just grant A-Grade supply to the narcissist every step of the way.
The Narcissist Fights Dirty
The need for integrity creates the perfect forum for the narcissist to unleash his or her most powerful arsenal. Within arguments he or she has a wide open playing field with no boundaries. This is like a blood-thirsty game of mortal combat with no rules. The narcissist has no conscience, therefore an endless amount of nasty tools are readily available.
- Discard and abandonment techniques regardless of the state you are in. (The more distressed you are the more delight in abandoning you).
- Ignoring you or giving you silent treatment.
- Lies in order to gain whatever goal the narcissist has in mind.
- Gas-lighting techniques in order to get you to doubt yourself.
- Imagined allies to back up her or his claims.
- Malicious comments to maim you.
- Attacks on your integrity to disarm you.
- Expert projection to make what she or he did your fault.
- Purposeful outrageous and childish non-sensical comments to incense you.
- Refusal to remain on the topic at hand.
- Insistence on boundaries within the conversation, granting him or her all the rights to continue speaking, and you none.
- Attacking you in regard to your distress, hysteria or anger that has occurred within the argument.
- The ability to use any of the above (plus more) to purposefully punish you, and create the highest level of anguish possible.
No human being is a match for these tactics, and if you do try to match the narcissist’s game with any of the narcissit’s tactics – the narcissist immediately pounces on your lack of integrity, which throws you into the despair: The narcissist doesn’t believe I am a decent person (this destroys your soul and mission to ‘change’ the narcissist …) or you will feel the incensed mind-bending rage of: Who are you to accuse me of lack of integrity?
Whichever way it goes, you end up battered and distraught, and the narcissist obtained narcissistic supply and the omnipotence knowing that she or he can have this effect on you…
You can’t shrug off allegations like the narcissist can. The narcissist, once securing you in their life, actually doesn’t care whether or not you think the narcissist is a good person. The narcissist is simply in the game for the two reasons that narcissists interact with anyone:
1) To secure narcissistic supply, and
2) Having a person to hurt in order to offload their tormented inner self.
You have to accept that the narcissist simply does not hold or even care about the model of love and relationships that you do. Her or his values, needs and neuron brain pathways are miles apart from yours.
The More you Need the Less You Get
At the time of entering the argument you will feel that you were seeking accountability for a specific issue – now as a result of the argument you will feel totally unsafe and need accountability for all the brutal abuse that occurred within the argument as well.
The more you try to gain accountability, the less you receive it, then the more accountability you need – and the vicious cycle expands and broadens until it is literally ripping your life apart, with no way out if you continue…
You know when you are disintegrating and complete losing yourself, because this is when you start acting like a crazy person. You may call the narcissist twenty times in a row, start seeking people in his community to tell them the truth about the narcissist. You may be constantly checking the narcissist’s facebook, phone records and contacts about what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, and your whole life becomes obsessed and totally taken over by the need to get accountability.
This is the exact opposite of where you want to be. With your focus completely obsessed with what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, he or she has you right where they want you – detached from your True Self.
No longer are you able to healthily supply yourself with your basic emotional needs, sustenance and safety. It’s likely that you’re no longer able to look after your practical and even survival needs effectively. You may find it virtually impossible to eat, sleep, pay bills and function.
How to Drop the Need for Accountability and Reach Acceptance
Read the following very carefully. This is your truth.
Understandably you will be operating from the mind-bending pain: ‘You should or should not be doing this!’ and ‘How on earth can somebody do what you do?!’
This may seem correct at a human and logical level, but this does not help you create a healthy and accountable life with accountable people.
One of the largest fundamental lessons of life, and intense learning curves that we are forced to face as a result of narcissistic abuse is this: People can be and do whatever they want to be and do. This lesson of acceptance is one of the most essential when recovering from narcissistic abuse.
There are only two ways we can live our life. These are:
1) Resistance, or
When we judge something as wrong we have set ourselves up energetically (energy being the true ‘note’ that creates our reality), as My experience is wrong, because of this thing being wrong and therefore I have to make it right in order to be Okay.
For example: If you do something bad to me, and I decide to be affected by it ( a normal human reaction) I’ll replay it in my mind, and every time I do I feel the pain of what you did to me. You are however no longer standing there and doing ‘it’ to me. I am actually free to get on with the TRUTH of my life, but I can’t now – because what you did was ‘wrong’.
I have assessed my life can’t be ‘right’ now, because you exchanged with me in a way that was ‘wrong’. Your ‘wrongness’ has now become my ‘wrongness’ (I took it on), and it can’t be fixed until I change you from being ‘wrong’ into ‘right’.
Understandably this is very POWERLESS. I have no power to change you. And If I try to I can’t have a ‘right’ life until I change you from being ‘wrong’. The truth is I’ll be having a ‘wrong’ life forever…
Why? Because even if I could force you to change into ‘right’ (highly unlikely and impossible when dealing with a narcissist), more and more ‘wrong’ people would still keep coming into my experience and keep doing ‘wrong’ things to me…
Why? That sounds crazy! Why would I keep attracting the ‘wrong’ behavior that I detest so much?
The answer is simple. It’s because I have an intense focus and dislike (judgement) on ‘wrong’. I take it personally, I make other people’s behaviour about me, and I judge who they are, and try to fix them and change them in a futile attempt to make me happy…rather than take responsibility for being the Creator of myself…
…all because I have not as yet learn the vital SOUL LESSON of acceptance and unconditional love which is:
“I love you and all of life enough to allow you to be whoever you want to be on your journey, and I love myself enough to choose what is the TRUE journey for me. Therefore if we are not a MATCH thank you for showing me what I needed to heal within myself, and I can let go and allow us both to experience the journey that is our choice as it stands right now.”
Whenever we judge something as wrong, we are in resistance. By resisting this thing, we think we are saying ‘No’ to it – yet in reality we are saying ‘Yes’ and bringing it into our experience. Resistance hooks us into the fight of trying to change something that is ‘wrong’ into being ‘right’ and pollutes our being and experience with ‘wrong’ in the process.
True Acceptance does not mean tolerating – it means the exact opposite. Acceptance means we observe the narcissist’s behaviour and accept that the narcissist does what he or she does because they are a narcissist. With this acceptance you will no longer have the need to change or fix the narcissist for your own wellbeing.
The gift in learning how to stop trying to get accountability is the peace and the acceptance that we are Unlimited Beings with all of the resources of life at our disposal. We don’t have to try to force unmakeable deals to work – because there is plenty more of what we really want available in life.
You need to establish that you DO have the resources within you to create your own truth and fullness. You can allow others to be whoever they wish to be, and if who they are or what they do does not line up with your Truth, then that person does not need to be your reality. Leave and stop participating and put your focus fully onto creating what it is that you want.
I hope this article helped you realise just how much damage fighting to get accountability is causing you.
Next time you judge someone or their actions as ‘wrong’ remember to apply acceptance instead. Everyone is doing their own journey in their own way, given their map of the world. Now set yourself free to choose your truth regardless of what this person is or isn’t doing, and if their truth is not a match for yours it certainly does not have to play any part as your truth anymore.