Support is definitely what has kept me alive all these years. It’s so important but difficult to ask for when ur in a depression.
Of course, I am talking about SUMMER! Heehee
This summer has definitely gone much faster for me than the last few summers. I actually had a really good summer. We didn’t do as much as we usually do (like Mets/Yankees games and concerts) but I still had a great time. Went to the beach club a bunch of times and spent a lot of time with friends and family. That always makes me the happiest.
Last week I took my nieces and nephew to Chuck e Cheese. They had such a ball, especially my 3 year-old niece who spent almost all her coins on the merry-go round. She just kept saying giddyup and again, again! She must’ve gone on at least 30 times lol. There was 3 horses so the other kids kept getting free rides. My H had me laughing saying she was like a little baller in a strip club raining down dollar bills.
I think that’s what is most important in life. Letting the people that matter most to you know how special they are. Why wait? Life is usually a lot shorter than we ever expect it to be.
I have to be honest that I cannot remember being more attracted to a guy than I was to P. The first time we went out to dinner, I was so nervous and shy that I could barely look at him for about 10 minutes. I am NEVER shy and rarely nervous. I even held the menu up to my face because I couldn’t stop smiling n blushing. Luckily, he found my shyness adorable and kind of hot lol. He had met me before and spoken to me on the phone a bunch of times. He knew it was completely unlike me and said he was nervous and shy too.
He is a gorgeous guy but he basically has no clue because he’s spent the last 20 years with a frigid narcissist that made him feel like he was never good enough. Women used to go crazy over him when we were together, and he was usually too busy staring at me, kissing me, holding my hand or hugging me to notice. It used to make me feel so special.
Many people, women and men, have told me he looks a LOT like an actor, Bobby Cannavale. He actually really does look like him, except his eyebrows aren’t as bushy lol. So here’s a few pictures of that actor.
The last time we spoke I said to him maybe it was just a physical thing. He said no way because even though he thinks I am gorgeous and sexy, he loves my mind as much as he does my looks and body. He said that I make him laugh like no one else ever has, and I’m the only woman he’s ever been able to be completely be himself with, including so so.
But I was talking more about me. Maybe I am just extremely attracted to him. Who knows?
I love this! “Don’t lose the best thing you ever had.” So true!
All she really wants is for you to never lose sight of her significance in the relationship. Queens aren’t replaceable. You can’t just lose a Queen, go out and find another woman, and plug her into doing the things only your Queen could do for you. Every woman doesn’t have the skill set your Queen has. Every woman can’t put you together and help you grow like your Queen can. Every woman can’t deal with the bullshit that you put your Queen through when she has had plenty of opportunities to leave. You so busy disrespecting her and the relationship behind her back, that you are forgetting the fact that there are still men out here praying to be in her presence. Don’t lose the best thing you ever had dealing with women who can’t bring out the best in you. Cherish the woman you have. Start kissing…
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Please read this important eye-opener by Cynthia. While she is writing about a narcissistic parent, it doesn’t have to be a narcissistic parent. It can be a spouse, partner, family member, friend, even a boss.
There are so many people who think growing up abused by a narcissistic parent isn’t a big deal, we need to get over it, stop wallowing in the past & feeling sorry for ourselves. Today’s post is for them.
And, Dear Reader, if this post doesn’t describe you, feel free to show this to those in your life it describes if you think it will help them to understand just how destructive & evil it is.
Below are some of the problems that narcissistic abuse can cause. If you have not been the victim of narcissistic abuse, I hope you thank God at the end of this list that you don’t have to live with these problems. I live with every single one, & it is extremely hard.
— Constant self doubt. Narcissists are experts at gaslighting (distorting reality) which leads victims to doubt themselves constantly. Narcissists state what they say as if it was the gospel truth, & when a person hears something, especially something said so confidently, over & over, they tend to believe it. Even if it is something they can see clearly & plenty of evidence points to what they see is right, they learn to doubt their perception of reality & believe the narcissist. Even once away from the narcissist, they tend to believe other people over themselves due to not trusting their own perceptions & feelings.
— Low self-esteem. Since insecurity is at the root of narcissism, narcissists love to make others feel as badly about themselves as they do. No matter how beautiful, talented, compassionate or intelligent you are, by the time a narcissist is done with you, you’ll be convinced you are the ugliest, most selfish, useless & stupid person ever to live. Any shred of self-esteem is destroyed, & done so in such as way as not to be obvious. Narcissists rarely tell you outright you’re stupid, for example. Instead they prefer to imply it. (“A smart person would’ve known that!”) That way, if you confront them, they can reply with something like, “I never said you were stupid! I don’t know where you get these ideas of yours. You’re reading into things!” or something similar. Gaslighting at its finest…
— Dissociation. Dissociation is a survival skill that many people use to get through traumatic events. Women who were raped often describe it as feeling as if they left their body while the attack was happening. When you are abused, you often dissociate. I thought I was just day dreaming all my life, but I later learned I’ve been dissociating all this time. Sometimes I just get lost in my own mind & emotionally pull away from those around me. It often happens during traumatic situations, but sometimes it does not. It just happens out of the blue.
— Depression. Depression is very common as well. It’s hard to be happy when you feel like an utter failure, when you are certain everything you do/feel/think is wrong & when all you hear about is your faults. Sometimes, the depression can lead to suicidal thoughts or attempts. Yes, it really can be that bad. I spent much of my life suicidal as a result of narcissistic abuse.
—Guilt. Even knowing a lot about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there are still times that I feel guilty for disappointing my narcissistic mother. She is obviously disappointed I’m an author, she hates my house, car & that I haven’t “given her grandchildren”, & is even embarrassed by the fact I don’t speak to my in-laws (narcissistic mother in-law- I can’t deal with her verbal abuse). In spite of the fact I know these things are all right for me, occasionally, I feel guilty for disappointing my mother. This is typical. Children raised by narcissists feel responsible for everything, & that includes the happiness of their narcissistic mother. If they disappoint her, not only do they face her rage, but also the guilt for “failing”. Unfortunately this means they carry the guilt into their adult lives, so even when they know better, sometimes they still can feel guilty when they shouldn’t.
— Aches, pains & illnesses. Have you ever noticed that most narcissists are quite healthy, yet their victims are often sick? I believe this is because of stress. Narcissists rarely feel stressed, as they put everything unpleasant on others. Their victims, however, are under constant stress because they must appease the narcissist & anticipate her needs 24/7 at any personal cost or else face her volatile rage. Ongoing extreme stress causes a multitude of health problems such as high blood pressure, heart or kidney disease or even diabetes. And, depression can cause aches & pains with no physical cause.
— C-PTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very common among victims of narcissistic abuse. The ongoing, constant trauma of gaslighting, verbal abuse & the rest of the evil that is narcissistic abuse can cause physical changes in the brain which results in C-PTSD. Basically, this means your body is in a constant state of fear. Pete Walker, author of “Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving” states that we have a fear reflex of fight, flight, freeze or faun. Living in a constant state of fear means you will have one of those responses, like it or not, when fear is triggered. For example, when my mother tries to control me as she did when I was a child, my natural reaction is faun- I do as she says & ignore my own anger at this unfair treatment. It takes conscious effort on my part not to behave this way. Plus, C-PTSD includes extreme anxiety, depression, flashbacks, damaged short term memory, sleep problems, nightmares & hyper-vigilance (an extreme awareness of your surroundings & potential danger). I have had C-PTSD since 2012, & frankly, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Living with the symptoms every day is sheer torture.
I would hope after reading this that your eyes are now opened to the truth about narcissistic abuse. It *is* a big deal. It *does* change your life. It has nothing to do with not getting over things or self-pity. The symptoms are a normal result to very abnormal circumstances.
I know some people would rather I never mention a certain person EVER AGAIN lol. If that is the case, skip this post and come back tomorrow lol. Please let me be 100% clear. This was how I felt IN THE PAST. It is NOT how I feel anymore. I just wasn’t ready to let him go for so long. I had so much love for him and hope that he would find his way back to me.
Don’t you just love an eternal optimist? Well that’s definitely me! I was so hurt, betrayed and angry but underneath it all was hope. False hope is such a bitch! Even more than Karma lol! It keeps you loving and missing someone long after they should be but a memory. I was never as strong as everyone thinks I am. I missed him so much, some days I didn’t know how I would make it through.
But somewhere along the way, I went from loving him to needing him. It became unhealthy, like an addiction. I kept needing more and more to satisfy me. I know now that it was my subconscious way of knowing that I was skating on thin ice and was about to fall through to the murky, icy waters below. He wasn’t ready to build a life with me, even though he told me he was. I guess deep down inside somewhere, I knew that. That’s why I was so insecure. When someone leaves you, it makes you feel insecure!
I realize now that it was extremely foolish and naive to think a relationship could’ve possibly worked out, especially back in November when his family threatened to disown him if he left so n so for me. We all need love and support from our family and friends. That’s what life is all about. Family, friends, love, laughter, relationships, and joy. His kids are the most important thing in his life, as they should be, and it’s stressful enough knowing your parents live separate lives. To throw me in the mix would’ve hurt them and I never wanted that. Kids don’t ask to be born and they deserve every chance for a happy, secure life.
An affair is, despite how you may feel while you are in it, an extra relationship. While mine wasn’t a secret from my hubby, I wasn’t open with him about it. Sometimes, it was like he was in a prison and I was stuck in there with him. The insane part is that I was there through my own choice! At the time, I just wasn’t ready to face up to the big problem in my marriage, a lack of physical intimacy.
All I know is he was able to put my love in a fuckin box!!!! Wow, really dude?!?! Well, if you are able to just stick my love in a box, then it couldn’t have meant that much to you in the first place. Why are guys so much better than women at compartmentalizing? It’s such a nifty ability when you want to lie to yourself and keep things separate in your head. Just probably not the healthiest way to go through life. I think it’s a blessing in disguise I found out how damaged and addicted he was before I made any major changes in my life.
Why did I give him a few chances?!?!?! When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM!!! But that’s the thing. Despite the fact that he hurt me, can I truly fault him for trying to save his marriage and family? Even though so n so’s a narcissist, they have still been married 19 years. Just another lesson. Affairs suck n cause everyone a lot of pain, even the cheater. That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 2 years. I guess that was what this was all about. Teaching me lessons that I needed to learn. And I absolutely have, whether I wanted to or not.
So how many chances do we give those we love before it’s enough?? How many chances before we must let go and wish them well? And how many before it goes from loving someone to being a doormat?
My husband and I had a great time together this weekend. Saturday we went to a birthday party for friends of ours. It was a lot of fun and we both enjoyed ourselves. Then we got home and of course, no sex. I have already been rejected enough for many lifetimes, so I just cannot initiate anymore. I’m also playing phone tag with the sex therapist. It just made me a little sad because I really can’t imagine how we got to this place.
Since Monday, I have been dragging my feet a little and I wasn’t sure why. I think it’s part frustration that this is what my life has become. And why isn’t he finding a sex therapist and making an appointment? But I’m also petrified because if this doesn’t work, there’s no other choice but to get a divorce. And I think that’s what has kept me from pushing ahead with therapy the last 2 weeks.
Today I feel less exhausted and more hopeful. I actually took a nap yesterday afternoon lol. It’s been a while since I took a nap in the afternoon without being sick. It really helped improve my mood and I am no longer feeling so wiped out. I think sometimes we forget how important sleep is for our health. I know I am definitely guilty of that.
My Mother-in-law, who is a wonderful woman, had hip replacement surgery 2 weeks ago. She was walking around for 3 weeks with a broken hip! She thought she pulled a muscle at the gym. So we have both been back and forth to the hospital and rehab. Now she’s staying with his sister for a week. So we went to her house and got all the clothes, toiletries, meds, etc that she needed for the week. I know it’s been difficult for my H seeing his Mom this way, especially after losing his Dad 2 years ago. She says that I am the best nurse out of everyone. I told her it’s because I have had so much practice with my Mom and my Grandma lol.
So finally, today I talked to my H and told him my fears about what happens if sex therapy doesn’t work. He told me to try not to be scared and that it will work and we both have to believe that. He also said that whenever he gets negative, I tell him to try not to think that way because it just makes things worse. He said since his Dad died, I’m the one that is always positive and full of hope. But the truth is, whenever I get hormonal or sad, he is always giving me hugs and cheering me up.
I just really and truly hope we can find the spark after so many years and figure out why the hell he has almost zero interest in sex. I actually weigh less than I did when we were married. I’m pretty with a sexy body so I don’t think it’s a physical attraction thing. But he has gained a decent amount of weight in the last few years, and kind of let himself go. So if anyone has cause to feel less physically attracted, it’s actually me.
Thank you for letting me pour out my thoughts and feelings. It has actually helped me to not feel so alone. Sex or rather, lack of sex, is not a very popular topic but it’s an extremely common problem in relationships. I had no idea how many people, men and women were going through the same thing. I always knew some women didn’t like sex or not very frequently. But to have a man not want it? It just didn’t seem possible. I know how silly and naive that kind of thinking is. I guess it’s just because every serious relationship I had ever been in was highly sexual and physically satisfying. So I never imagined I would marry someone who would eventually have no interest.
A Letter from My Future Self as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse. from Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed
This is an important post for anyone stuck, afraid and trying to find the strength to break free from the narcissist. She or He is keeping you confused and uncertain. This is done on purpose to keep you addicted to the abuser and off-balance. There will be no closure, but there can be love and joy in your life again one day if you leave.
Is He or She Really A Narcissist? Laying Boundaries and Accountability
So many people ask – How can I be sure?
I want you to be very clear on what I am about to state. It’s actually not important whether someone has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or whether they don’t, or are displaying enough narcissistic traits to make your life painful or unbearable. What is important is that you are aligned with and living the life that you wish to live, and creating that truth by holding powerfully to that truth – no matter how hard that may be to do ….
Most people have some narcissistic traits and it is normal to have exhibited narcissistic behaviour at some point in their life. However, there is a big difference between normal people who are capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their behaviour and those with NPD who are incapable of this.
I am aware that this person at some point seemed like the love of your life and the temptation is to try and help this person change their narcissistic behaviour and recover. The problem is that some people take the N’s word immediately only to be set up for another soul destroying experience.
In this article I am going to show you how you can use the most powerful tool in your arsenal – boundaries – to find out if this person is capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their actions without risking another experience that could cost you your soul, mental well-being and even life.
There is nothing worse than being set upon maliciously by someone you believed you could trust, someone you love, and someone you thought loved you and had your best interests at heart.
It is a highly traumatic experience ….
Do you want to have that happen to you again at the hands of this person?
Clearly – NO!
I promise you, it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behaviour, have had their near death experience (wake up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy and addressed their inner toxic issues causing their narcissistic behaviour, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive and loving partners – and even spectacular ones.
It’s not the norm, but it can happen – if this person has the resources and does not have NPD.
There is a huge difference between a person who has acted badly, takes full responsibility, and does everything in their power to heal, and another who stays stuck in non-accountability, projection and poor behaviour.
The truth of the matter is, if this person does have the resources to heal and re-create themselves as a stable partner with integrity for you – a lot of this shift has to be created by you.
But it won’t be as a result of you “fixing” this person.
It will actually be as a result of you “fixing yourself”….
Therefore, don’t wait around, research articles and obsess about whether or not your narcissistic partner is or isn’t capable of healing and amending their ways.
Instead live your truth powerfully.
THEN you will find out ….
A little further in this article I’m going to explain how you can do that ….
Before I do that, I would like to share my opinion regarding the people who truly I feel there is little or no hope for ….
Which Narcissistic People Are Extremely Unlikely To Heal
- Pathological liars
- Serial sex addicts
- Those resistant to having any therapy, or who denounce therapy after one or only a few visits, or who use therapy as a “trick” to make you assume they are changing, or use joint therapy experiences without accountability to devalue you as the partner (you’re the defective crazy person)
- Physical abusers
- Those who display a distinct lack of empathy
- Individuals who display regular criminal, sociopathic or psychopathic behaviour
If your narcissistic partner or ex-partner fits into any of these categories, I believe the chances are incredibly slim of reform, and I would suggest moving on and keep moving on. This is just my opinion based on what I have observed over the years. If you believe otherwise that is fine.
What Traits Will a Genuine Person Display When Healing Their Narcissistic Behaviour?
- Hitting rock bottom as a result of “loss” – generally this loss will be you
- Full and ongoing ownership and accountability of what they have done, the issues they have, the damage created and total remorse for their narcissistic actions
- Ongoing and committed therapy that he or she is doing as an integral part of their personal journey, as a “have to” and a “want to” do
- Repairing any damage they have inflicted to the best of their ability – including financial damage
- Full focus on caring about you and wanting to support you and help you feel safe in the relationship rebuild
- Granting consistency and full disclosure of their life, and the actions match the words
- Ability to grant you the time and space to heal and connect at your pace
- Not displaying entitlements, jealousy or revenge concerning any relationship opportunities you may have pursued in your time apart – instead, accepting thatit’s because of their behaviour that you were in that position
- Willing to talk to anyone else in your life that doubts them, has been damaged, or has fear for your well-being, whilst conducting themselves in full humility and accountability in order to help support you
- Loving you enough to want you to be happy with or without them in your life (not making it about them)
- Asking you to lay boundaries such as financial or relationship contracts to prove commitment and to help you feel safe (if applicable)
What you are reading above may be outlandish or even seem incredible to you. I promise you there are individuals who have treated their partners abusively who have risen from their narcissistic actions to become the men and women I am describing above.
And quite frankly their partners after losing trust and having their hearts smashed should know that it is only with these types of actions that you can be safe to trust this person again. Also nothing less than full accountability, real boundaries and compliance with these boundaries is going to ensure the narcissistic behaviour does not happen again.
And you should never engage again unless you do receive this level of authentic sincerity.
These traits (all of them are necessary), are the only way you will know that your partner in fact does not have NPD.
Narcissistic Supply or Genuine Remorse and Rebuild?
We all know narcissists often don’t like letting go. We all know they can say exactly what we want to hear, cry, plead and promise the world.
Narcissists love “hoovering” (sucking you back in to the relationship in order to get narcissistic supply); in fact, it is one of their most practiced and perfected games. The intent behind the “I love you, I can’t live without you” is not the accountability to transform into a loving, safe, healthy partner – the intent is to get you back into the narcissistic malicious web. In such cases it is nothing to do with “love;” it is all about feeding the narcissist’s insatiable ego.
You see it is an enormous insult to a narcissist for a previous partner to move on and create a life without them ….
Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse
1. DON’T take this person on their word immediately
Tell him or her “I still love you” (if that’s how you feel), but state firmly “I can’t trust you, and I would never consider this relationship again unless I could.”
Now you have thrown down the challenge. If this person genuinely loves you and wants to make amends, they have to prove they can be trusted.
2. DON’T grant this person a chance until they “crack” and hit “rock bottom”
Anyone who is acting narcissistically is playing out lack of accountability and is projecting their stuff on to you. Narcissistic behaviours are created from fear and ego, and egos are powerful. They need to crack open with pain in order to be addressed and healed, otherwise the show of “love” and “remorse” will only be a band-aid that will not hold.
3. DON’T accept any suspected narcissist who is not committed to ongoing therapy and personal development
Decent people (who can include people with unhealed parts who have acted badly), who accept that their behaviour is defective, and that their life is not working for themself and others, want to fix their issues. Without being held accountable by therapists and working diligently on their unhealed parts with full disclosure to you regarding their therapy and prognosis, this person is not serious about healing and not committed to granting you safety and trust.
4. TEST the accountability and remorse
People who have hurt you are never safe unless they can provide genuine accountability and remorse. Those who can’t are absolute repeat offenders waiting to happen – guaranteed. If you can’t express your hurt and pain of what happened to you to this person without them staying in full support and empathy – you are not experiencing the real deal.
Projections, blame throwing and excuses are not acceptable – even if spasmodic. They either accept what they did was wrong and hurtful, or they don’t! There is no middle ground on this one.
5. KNOW the difference between it being “about you” or being “about them”
If you have been abused it is time to be “entitled.” You are learning that, in order to create your reality of deserving truth, integrity, love and support, you have to be it and live it. Watch the suspected narcissist at his or her version of rebuild. Believe me it’s crucial to observe this very closely after being abused if considering taking this person back.
Is this person consistently caring about you? Do they state things like “I know I may have lost you through my actions, and I have to accept that” and “If you feel that you will be happier moving on rather than trying with us again – I promise I want more than anything for you to be happy, as much as it hurts” and “I don’t blame you for dating that guy, I know it was because of my actions that you did that” and “If you have any unresolved pain or problems please talk to me. I want you to talk it out and feel safe?”
Or, do you very soon notice that as soon as you don’t comply and give the narcissist what he or she wants, that the demands, aggression, projections, blame throwing “poor me” and guilt trips start again.
6. TRUST how it feels
As soon as you notice the narcissistic traits again, pull away, go back to no contact and hold your powerful personal boundaries.
Remember – Narcissistic abuse is not your reality ….
The Million Dollar Question
Now I hope you realise the question really isn’t “Does he or she really have NPD?” The questions really is: “Is this person going to really step up and become a healthy, safe partner?”
The truth is you will never know the answer to that question until it does or doesn’t happen. If you don’t see this happening – your answer is “No.” If it hasn’t and isn’t happening right here / right now – then the answer is “No” unless it ever does happen, and then the answer may change.
In the meantime you are living your life in truth and alignment …. Seek out people and a life that is in alignment to truth, integrity, love and support, and accept NO LESS.
We can’t create that reality any other way.
Certainly you never will create a healthy, safe love reality by accepting someone in your life who is abusing you without them performing the above necessary criteria.
Ifyour situation is not about the possibility of getting back together with a narcissist, but more about presently being with a narcissist who you wish could change – leave him or her, set the parameters and find out of this person is real, if the love is real, or whether it was a NPD relationship.
Be very, very clear that you deserve nothing less than real love and truth and hence why the boundaries I have described are crucial, absolute and completely necessary.
People who reunite with narcissists without establishing and sticking to boundaries, always run a large risk of stepping back into even worse abuse than they originally walked away from ….
This is another one of those life and death – make or break deals … totally.
Know that if you do accept abusers in your life without them proving their integrity and safety you are abusing yourself.
I have never been a woman that takes long to get over relationships. It shocks me that it has taken 8 months to finally let go of P and be at peace with shutting that door for good. I just kept holding on because I was so certain he was my future. That he could be strong enough to break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse. That he would figure it out before it was too late. He wasn’t and he didn’t. And that’s okay because it doesn’t mean we didn’t love one another very much. It just means he’s not ready to leave his prison of loneliness and dysfunction. I am still angry sometimes but I guess I will take anger over sadness lol.
This is so friggin true!! Do you want to know why I held on so tightly for so long and refused to let go? Because most of the time it was amazing. Our love was special in a way I had never known. I have never felt that way about anyone before in my whole life. Believe me, he wasn’t perfect at all lol! That man has more issues and baggage than an airport terminal. He was just perfect for me and I thought that I was perfect for him. We used to marvel at how his crazy fit my crazy. But he’s so afraid of making changes or mistakes. A lot of that is his generalized anxiety disorder. And that’s okay because it’s his choice. My choice is to move on without him in my life anymore.
I gave him 2 years and that was plenty of time to get his shit together. Like DaVinci said “A life without love is no life at all.” He just thinks he’s wasted 8 years, what’s a few more months?
Well a few months was the difference between my holding on and my letting go. We all make choices. He’s made his to stay unhappy and unloved and I’ve made mine to cut him out of my life completely and irrevocably. I think he really just thought I would happily wait til he was finally ready. Obviously I guess he never truly understood me. Patience has always been a struggle for me and I admit that. I know how short life is and I don’t intend to waste mine pining for anyone!
This quote makes me laugh because it was exactly how I felt those first few days. It’s still hard to look back and realize just how much pain I was in. Thankfully, I am living, finally moving on and I am happy. I had to realize that I don’t actually NEED anyone to live, even P. I do believe there was a purpose to all of this. Unlike P, I learn from my mistakes and pain so that I don’t repeat them. I will make new ones 😉
Go where the love and great sex is my friends!
This is one of the most difficult parts of breaking free from the narcissistic abuse.
“Accepting our experience with the disordered is largely about finding the courage to face the truth. We must be willing to choose truth over illusion. The person you loved, whether it be a spouse, lover, friend or a mother, is not who she pretended to be.”
I am not special.
When I was a child, the message from my parents was clear: Take care of yourself. We don’t want to do it. You are not special. And so I became an adult very early in life, full of determination to be self-sufficient and self-determined.
At forty-five, a disordered person took an interest in me. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, at the least. Diagnosed, I believe. Malignant narcissist? Sociopath? Possibly. She admitted that she had no conscience, was sadistic, and had a penchant for the chase. Either way, the terms are blurry and it doesn’t really matter.
We will meet the disordered. That’s unavoidable. Estimates of those without conscience and empathy range from 1 in 100 (Checkley) to 1 in 25 (Stout). And if you get close to one, you will suffer. These are relationships of inevitable harm.
This morning, I woke up with an analogy on my mind…
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I have never glorified affairs or being the other woman. It is personal and definitely not something I am proud of or I would have my photo on my blog.
My blog is about more than one topic. It was about the end of an affair. But it’s also about depression, marriage, inspiration, narcissism, abuse and laughter.
I was a betrayed spouse long before I was ever the OW. It was the most painful situation I had ever experienced before the loss of my Mom.
That being said, I do NOT understand why so many betrayed spouses continue to hate and focus on the ow instead of placing the majority of the blame on their own husbands! When my H cheated, I didn’t like her and yes I thought she was trash. But I didn’t hate her and blame her more than him. She wasn’t my problem, HE was.
If you are focusing on, blaming and getting revenge on the woman, you are not focused on your husband, your marriage or your damaged relationship. In a way, you are letting your husbands off the hook.
What possible good comes from people making assumptions and projecting their own hurt, betrayal and anger onto strangers?
A betrayed spouse wrote this a while back. I think it’s about me.
I have been reading a blog by a married woman who was betrayed by her husband. A couple of years later she subsequently went out and had an affair of her own and has recently been caught and disclosed.
Actually I voluntarily told my H and P told his W. No one was caught.
The justification she uses for her adulterous ways confound me. Having been on the receiving end of lies told by my first husband to others in order to justify his affair, I may be projecting. I’m very sorry this woman was lied to, but she most definitely is projecting. There is no justification for an affair and hindsight is 20/20. I was in a very loving yet sexless marriage for 3 years. If it happened today would I walk away? Absolutely! But I was naive and foolish. My adulterous ways?? Um you are barking up the wrong tree there lol.
Here are some thoughts from me on the matter of this OW’s blog.
Why are you bestowing guilt on the wife who had zero knowledge of your relationship with her husband? She’s not guilty of our affair. She’s only guilty of being a fake frigid narcissist and a crappy Mother (daughter’s therapist’s opinion, but I agree).
You actually believe what your AP told you about her? If it was true, you had no business knowing any of that information – her husband breached his wife’s trust the first time he ever said anything about his marriage to you. Well if I believe him and he’s telling the truth (his Mom verified), it still doesn’t matter cause we cheated. So doesn’t matter what the truth is because you have already judged me as guilty and wrong.
The sad truth is you don’t know me and the fact that your husband hurt, lied, betrayed and cheated on you is not and never will be my fault. It’s easy to paint me as the harlot and her as the victim. Well guess what? The victim’s own family has since seen the truth since her mask is gone. His parents and sisters won’t even be in the same room with the “victim” anymore. That has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
Regardless of the facts, life is NOT always black and white. Affairs suck and cause pain. They are not romantic or sexy. But the only people I feel bad for hurting is my husband and his kids. His kids are the only innocents in this whole mess. I deeply regret hurting them and also my H.
Whatever my reasons and justifications were, they are mine and NO ONE has the right to judge me except God. I am not the whore, temptress, or bunny boiler that slept with any of your husbands. We are not one size fits all just as BS are not all the same.
Stop hating and judging! When it happened to me, I took a long deep look at myself. I wasn’t to blame for his affair but I wasn’t blameless for issues in our marriage. Focus on your own lives and the good, loving women you are. Please don’t judge all of us ow as evil whores. We aren’t all shitty people but we are human.
I was a good woman in a bad situation who made a stupid decision and hurt others and myself. But I will not pay for the crimes of others. Do not confuse my kindness and compassion with weakness. It would be a mistake.
I really like this quote. I think most of the amazingly life-changing things that happen in life? They happen when you close your eyes, take a deep breath and jump. As we get older, sometimes we just get too comfortable, lazy and complacent. I know I am guilty of this. Sometimes my illness does play a part. But I need to take more chances and really start living my life again.
I know I said I regret my year and a 1/2 relationship with P but if I’m honest with myself, I do not regret any of it except the ending. I learned how fun and full of joy and laughter life can be again. I had tons of wonderful adventures and mind-blowing sex lol. I feel a little sad that he remains stuck and unhappy in a prison of his own making. But I guess if you have already wasted over 8 years without affection, love and sex it makes it much easier to keep wasting day after day after day. I have never been mentally or emotionally abused, well at least not in a long term relationship. So I have no idea what it feels like to be manipulated and lied to by a narcissist for almost 20 years.
Maybe that is the lesson I needed to learn. That life is just too short to wait for someone to get their head out of their ass and change their life. Sometimes we just have to accept other people’s choices and let them go. I forgive him for being weak and addicted. I hope he finds love again one day.But I need a man who is smart enough to grab onto me with both hands and never let me go. A man like my husband with one big difference. A man who LOVES sex and needs it as much as I do.
Life isn’t a video game with 3 chances to get it right. I need a man who is smarter and braver than P. And I might need one who is more sexual and passionate than my H. I guess time will tell. But I have promised 3 months of counseling, then we will go from there. Strap in folks, it’s about to get interesting to say the least 🙂
We got back from vacation a few days ago. I haven’t really felt like writing. The vacation was pretty good but I feel like I should be more relaxed lol. On the way up to the lake (3 hour drive), H and I were fighting over getting lost and other equally stupid reasons. This continued the first 2 days. We very rarely argue or fight (which I don’t think is necessarily healthy) so it was upsetting and did not lead to any closeness or resolutions.
Finally on Friday, we were in town at the grocery store and I was just feeling so very sad and alone. My husband was right by my side and yet I started crying because I was so unhappy and lonely. I finally told him how I was feeling and that opened up the door to the first actual productive discussion in a few months. After that we definitely had a much better time together.
I am looking for a sex therapist in our area, which is not as simple a task as you might think. Besides the fact that it just seems so bizarre to me that this is where I am in life, it’s hard to trust just anyone with your deepest, darkest feelings. Marriage counseling I had no trouble with, this is just different. Also, most insurances don’t cover sex therapy and we do not have a lot of extra money right now. I guess I will just start making calls and go from there.
I think I am just really scared because if this doesn’t work, I will have no choice but to make huge changes in my life. I am trying to think positively and be upbeat, but it’s not easy. How the hell did I (a woman who LOVES and NEEDS sex like I do oxygen) wind up in a sexless marriage?!?!?! This was NEVER supposed to happen to me and I think I am really sad and pissed off about it. I feel duped. Like I got sold a false bill of goods. My husband is so kind, sweet and funny. He is always there for me, in good times and in bad so it feels disloyal and wrong to be so unhappy with him.
Wow, my feelings about this are a lot more complicated than I thought they were. I think we have both been unhappy and unsatisfied for a long time. I have to remember this is a positive step and can only lead to a better, happier future. Fingers crossed 🙂
From Krista @ Abuse No More
The Covert / Stealth Narcissist
NOTE: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is strongly characterized by complete self-centredness and outright denial that forms an invisible and virtually indestructable protective psychological barrier in order to defend the sufferer’s true emotions.
What Is A Covert Narcissist?
Undoubtedly the most damaging form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is covert narcissism. Covert narcissists can seem highly defensive and extremely hostile whilst masking beneath their facade an insecure sense of emotional vulnerability, a vulnerability they will do anything to prevent exposing. Although a covert narcissist generally possesses the same traits as an overt narcissist (need for attention, approval, adulation and grandiose fantasies) these are not commonly expressed in overt behaviour making covert or stealth narcissists much more difficult to recognize. Some people go decades before recognizing the narcissist in their life.
How Is Covert Narcissism Different?
In addition to the standard symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the covert narcissist is also susceptible to stress and worry. They tend to operate inefficiently and their expectations remain unfulfilled. They repress awareness of their narcissistic traits due to inner conflict, deep down inside they find their fantasies embarassing and unnacceptable. Deep down inside they realize that their fantasies are self-centred and solicit goodness and power to one’s self, to put one’s self up on a pedestal above all others.
What Are The Symptoms Of Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissists are too afraid to exhibit their accomplishments to others and commonly underestimate their own capabilities. Their overt behaviour usually projects an innocent angel-like ‘good as gold’ persona which builds them a credible reputation yet they fail to reach their true potential due to their own self-doubt. Some of them go on to become almost seemingly zombified and gradually lose all interests in their hobbies and decide to do nothing with their lives.
Why Is Covert Narcissism So Bad?
The most damaging aspect of covert narcissism is the controlling and manipulative behaviour they impose on people closest to them. If in a relationship this is usually solely their partner. They show a lack of empathy towards them and in many cases also towards their children if they have any. A female covert narcissist may have children with their partner in order to tie them down and to secure them as sources of narcissistic supply, they may even manipulate the children out of him by failing to use or purposely damaging contraception or even committing paternity fraud. A male covert narcissist may try to tie their partner down in the same way by purposely not using or damaging contraception and exploiting the emotional bond between mother and child.
What Makes Covert Narcissism So Damaging?
In a typical case the only person who realizes there is a problem is the person closest to the covert/stealth narcissist, who is forced to suffer covert narcissistic abuse (very subtle emotional blackmail, mental abuse and psychological manipulation). Narcissists twist literally every little detail back round onto the victim. This abuse is so well hidden within communication dynamics that the partner often doesn’t pick up on it and is left scratching their head wondering ‘is it me?’ When the victim of this abuse eventually begins to develop awareness of the manipulation it gradually dawns on them that they have already been ostracized long before they anticipated and the people that they turn to for help have already been made to believe it’s them who has issues – they’ve already been turned against the victim. The covert narcissist makes their partner feel like they are the one with the problem whilst projecting an innocent angel-like persona to everyone around them. They will make their partner look bad and completely destroy their reputation in order to protect their false sense of self. The narcissist has already attained the trust and belief of everyone around them and anyone close to their partner that they are likely to turn to for help. The partner feels like they are suffering alone, no-one around them can see what the cover narcissist is really up to.
Covert narcissists use cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and manipulative linguistic patterns to force their partner to question their own sanity, behaviours which people that know them would never ever dream of them even being capable of. They have everybody around them fooled by their pathological self whilst wearing down at the psyche and soul of their partner who, over time, becomes depressed, loses self-esteem and feels like their soul is being worn down until they eventually seemingly become devoid of emotion themselves – this then further backs up the narcissists claims that their partner is the one with the problem.
When arguing with a covert narcissist, a partner will usually be left at a dead-end. Their logic appears to be incompatible with that of the narcissist and they always get outwitted. The narcissist will go on to state how they took the parner into their life and ‘saved’ them when they needed it and make the partner feel that they are forever endebted to them. They make them believe that anything bad was all in their imagination and that they are paranoid.
Covert narcissists are the sort of people who have multiple partners, secret affairs (sometimes within the family) or even a complete secret life with someone else. They recruit friends and family who are fooled by the innocent persona they project to defend their false self by convincing them that their discovered secrets are just a result of paranoia or suspicion yet they will use special occasions such as valentines day or even funerals to get away with their infidelity, times when the victim least expects it.
Whenever the partner questions the abuse, lies or secrets that have been discovered then literally everything little details gets twisted back round on to them, they are then the one being accused of the abuse, lies and cheating. It’s a plain and simple defense mechanism which offers no logic or information on the subject and has to be kept secret in order to uphold the covert narcissts’s pathological self. Narcissists come up with one-line defense mechanisms rather than offering any logical explanation for their behaviour (it’s all in your head, that didn’t happen, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never said that). Statements like these are an instant sign of fear and guilt and make it clear that they’re not willing to even talk about it, they are not willing to take the risk of slipping up. However, in private the narcissist’s attitude towards their partner will be ‘either let me get away with it or get out of my life’. They make it clear that everything is about them whilst their partner’s feelings, needs, wants and desires are completely disregarded and they will totally discard their partner in the process with no empathy whatsoever, seemingly being cold-hearted and sadistic. Anyone who knows about the covert narcissist’s secret life is sure to be blackmailed or manipulated into keeping quiet, sometimes through proxy. Even when a narcissist does slip up, they claim that they have a communication problem and didn’t mean to say it, they will deny their secrets until the day they die even if they’ve already been discovered.
It’s important at this point to understand that the covert narcissist is also a sufferer. Although on some level they must be conscious of their abuse, mind-games and manipulation or they wouldn’t hide it from everyone, it has become their way of getting through life and is deep-routed in their subconscious. However, they still know the difference between right and wrong and good and evil but deep down inside they just don’t care – protecting their true (and self-denied) emotions is more important. The covert narcissist will make it clear to the person closest to them that they understand they have a problem, that they simply don’t care and are not willing to do anything about it even if that means losing the people closest to them in their life. Narcissists have no empathy.
How Do I Recognize Narcissistic Abuse?
Covert narcissists can be extremely flirtacious in party settings, though they often use occassional shock tactics whilst any further promiscuity is kept under cover – they pretend that they were too drunk and not in control and blame it on the drink. They make further arrangements in private and keep their affairs secret in order to uphold their false self-image.
A covert narcissist tries to tie their primary source of narcissistic supply (their partner) down early on in the relationship. They suck up all the finances within the relationship, cut off their partner’s contact with family and friends and damage or lose their partner’s official forms of identification claiming it was an accident leaving them without money or proof of who they are. They manipulate them into a situation whereby they don’t have the resources to leave the relationship or have any control.
Narcissistic ideology shines through the relationship solely to the narcissist’s partner, they are usually the only person that recognizes the problem though are left with no escape route – when seeking help, family and friends accuse them of twisting around everything that the covert narcissist has already told them back on to them in the process of ostracizing their partner – it’s a double-blind.
Covert narcissists attempt to make their partner believe that they have mental health issues and that they are insane, they will misbehave and tell their partner it was all in their head, they imagined it, it wasn’t real. Tell them that you are not willing to be manipulated and they will tell you there’s no relationship then. Of course, This is what everyone around them already believes, the narcissist has already built their army of support forcing the partner to question their own sanity.
What Problems Does Narcissistic Abuse Cause victims?
Ultimately victims of long-term covert narcissistic abuse can experience mild post-traumatic stress disorder – they experience nightmares and flashbacks subconsciouly piecing the parts of the puzzle together. This is the brain’s way of healing itself and it can be decades before this realization happens. When this happens the partner usually begins to figure out just what has been happening all these years though they still have to suffer the consquences of the abuse alone – their friends and family still believe it’s them that’s the problem.
When the narcissistic person can see that their victim is tired and worn down and in a weak vulnerable state it offers a chance for more emotional and mental abuse and the narcissist will inevitably kick the victim while they’re down. Narcissistic abuse feels cruel, cold-hearted and twisted for the victim. The most significant aspect of this disorder is that people in these type of relationships are twice as likely to suffer with stress-related medical problems such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, heart attacks and strokes.
Excellent article. Describes 3 years of my life perfectly. No one saw her but me. It was SOOO infuriating when other people only saw the angel mask… sincerely, not one person saw or experienced the monster that I did. I looked like the crazy one… And now she is going around slandering me… I tried everything I could to help