We got back from vacation a few days ago. I haven’t really felt like writing. The vacation was pretty good but I feel like I should be more relaxed lol. On the way up to the lake (3 hour drive), H and I were fighting over getting lost and other equally stupid reasons. This continued the first 2 days. We very rarely argue or fight (which I don’t think is necessarily healthy) so it was upsetting and did not lead to any closeness or resolutions.
Finally on Friday, we were in town at the grocery store and I was just feeling so very sad and alone. My husband was right by my side and yet I started crying because I was so unhappy and lonely. I finally told him how I was feeling and that opened up the door to the first actual productive discussion in a few months. After that we definitely had a much better time together.
I am looking for a sex therapist in our area, which is not as simple a task as you might think. Besides the fact that it just seems so bizarre to me that this is where I am in life, it’s hard to trust just anyone with your deepest, darkest feelings. Marriage counseling I had no trouble with, this is just different. Also, most insurances don’t cover sex therapy and we do not have a lot of extra money right now. I guess I will just start making calls and go from there.
I think I am just really scared because if this doesn’t work, I will have no choice but to make huge changes in my life. I am trying to think positively and be upbeat, but it’s not easy. How the hell did I (a woman who LOVES and NEEDS sex like I do oxygen) wind up in a sexless marriage?!?!?! This was NEVER supposed to happen to me and I think I am really sad and pissed off about it. I feel duped. Like I got sold a false bill of goods. My husband is so kind, sweet and funny. He is always there for me, in good times and in bad so it feels disloyal and wrong to be so unhappy with him.
Wow, my feelings about this are a lot more complicated than I thought they were. I think we have both been unhappy and unsatisfied for a long time. I have to remember this is a positive step and can only lead to a better, happier future. Fingers crossed 🙂