I Should Be More Relaxed

We got back from vacation a few days ago.  I haven’t really felt like writing. The vacation was pretty good but I feel like I should be more relaxed lol. On the way up to the lake (3 hour drive), H and I were fighting over getting lost and other equally stupid reasons.  This continued the first 2 days. We very rarely argue or fight (which I don’t think is necessarily healthy) so it was upsetting and did not lead to any closeness or resolutions.

Finally on Friday, we were in town at the grocery store and I was just feeling so very sad and alone.  My husband was right by my side and yet I started crying because I was so unhappy and lonely.  I finally told him how I was feeling and that opened up the door to the first actual productive discussion in a few months.  After that we definitely had a much better time together.

I am looking for a sex therapist in our area, which is not as simple a task as you might think.  Besides the fact that it just seems so bizarre to me that this is where I am in life, it’s hard to trust just anyone with your deepest, darkest feelings. Marriage counseling I had no trouble with, this is just different.  Also, most insurances don’t cover sex therapy and we do not have a lot of extra money right now.  I guess I will just start making calls and go from there.

I think I am just really scared because if this doesn’t work, I will have no choice but to make huge changes in my life.  I am trying to think positively and be upbeat, but it’s not easy.  How the hell did I (a woman who LOVES and NEEDS sex like I do oxygen) wind up in a sexless marriage?!?!?!  This was NEVER supposed to happen to me and I think I am really sad and pissed off about it.  I feel duped.  Like I got sold a false bill of goods.  My husband is so kind, sweet and funny. He is always there for me, in good times and in bad so it feels disloyal and wrong to be so unhappy with him.

Wow, my feelings about this are a lot more complicated than I thought they were.  I think we have both been unhappy and unsatisfied for a long time.  I have to remember this is a positive step and can only lead to a better, happier future. Fingers crossed 🙂

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52 thoughts on “I Should Be More Relaxed”

  1. Jay says:
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    I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you read the book The Sex-Starved marriage? It has some good insights you might be able to try out while waiting to see a therapist. It’s rough for a marriage to go through this but the good news is that it really is fixable, with work. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:
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      Thanks Jay. No I haven’t but will go out and get it this weekend for sure. Is it fixable? That’s such great news! I have hope it’s just fading in and out lol.

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      • Jay says:
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        It can be fixable, yes. You both have to figure out whether you want to move forward with the fixing.
        Do remember that your needs are important (and I don’t just mean the need for sex, though that too – but your need to be heard and understood) and that just because you’re acknowledging them doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband. People who don’t love leave the minute it gets hard. It sounds difficult for you now and probably has been for a while.
        You deserve love and sex and happiness. Your husband will have to decide if it will be him that gives them to you. So I’m wishing you lots of courage and strength, and take from all these comments that people are rooting for you, one way or another.

        Liked by 1 person

        • emmagc75 says:
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          Thank you so very much Jay for your advice and support. Not many people know how it feels and it’s really good to know that I’m not alone. It’s a little difficult to talk about and that surprises me as I am extremely open and rarely feel awkward discussing anything lol. But it helps to talk about it. So I appreciate your kindness. Be well!

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  5. CrazyKat1963 says:
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    Being married to a sex addict, realizing most people do not really understand sex addiction… I know I didn’t until I had the rug pulled out from under me and ended up living with a recovering sex addict for a year and a half now, I cannot imagine living without sex. My husband being ready and available for sex all the time is kind of a cliche, but in his case, that part of the stereotype is true. It is not true for all sex addicts. We had a horrible time with the celibacy period, and clearly neither of us wanted that physical closeness out of our lives. You are too young to be living without this type of intimacy with your chosen partner, especially since you so desperately want it. I truly do hope the sex therapist can help. I can understand you feeling sad and pissed off and duped. But, it sounds like your husband needs the sex therapist? It’s his issue? I know nothing about sex therapists, but maybe he needs to go to someone to work on this, alone? Hugs, E. I’m rooting for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:
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      I think that will end up happening since it is his issue but I don’t want him to think it’s all his fault ya know? I am too young to not b having sex! It sucks n I’m not going to accept it for more than 3 months. Life’s too short. Thanks for the support. How are you doing?

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      • Louise Fowler says:
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        Honey, don’t put yourself down. I was with a man for some while who used to withhold sex from me as a way of punishing and manipulating me. I am not saying that’s happening to you but merely I wouldn’t want to/and didn’t live in a sexless relationship, I couldn’t. Sex is important and you must not give up that normal healthy part of yourself. I hope you can get some help xxxooo
        Louise

        Liked by 1 person

        • emmagc75 says:
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          Thanks Louise. I do think that’s how it started actually. He’s very passive aggressive. But he’s also sweet, kind, understanding and always supportive. I did remind him today that I will leave in 3 months if we don’t make significant progress. I’ve wasted years and I’m not willing to waste any more. Sex and intimacy is very important. And I know I can’t be happy without it. Fingers crossed lol. Hugs to you xo.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. sonofabeach96 says:
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    Dang, that’s not the way I hoped it would go for you guys. You literally started crying in the grocery? Man, I’m sorry. It’s great that you had a good discussion though. It’s a start. Has the dialog continued since y’all got home? Hope so. As far as the lack of sex, I don’t know what to think. I can’t fathom not being interested in sex. Something deep seeded there I guess. I hope he can delve into that. Keep the faith and stay on the clock. I can tell its ticking. I hope he can. Here if you need an ear. And, glad your back. You’ve been missed. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:
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      Thankfully I was able to wait until we were in parking lot but yeah. And dialogue has continued but it’s like we don’t know where to start lol. But we both are willing to work n there is love so that’s enough for now. Thanks I missed u too 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • sonofabeach96 says:
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        Sounds like the foundation is in place. Good! Just keep talking I guess. Eventually that path will lead to a destination. Hope it’s sooner rather than later. Been wonder in’ where you were, by the way. Glad to hear you’re ok. Stay on the clock! It’s worth it!

        Liked by 1 person

              • sonofabeach96 says:
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                Doin ok. Still love my wife and kids, still have a selfish mom, and still pissed at my dad. Same old same old, ya know. Kids started school this week, so summer is over for me. How are you? That’s the question!

                Liked by 1 person

                • emmagc75 says:
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                  I’m feeling good, just a little tired. I think you have to forgive your Dad. Not for him, but for you. He’s like a blind man who doesn’t want to see and never will. Pity him for it is truly his loss, not yours or the kids. Just my 2 cents lol. Hugs xo!

                  Liked by 2 people

                  • sonofabeach96 says:
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                    That’s probably good advice. Not sure I can. It bugs me more how he disregards the boys mostly now. I’m almost completely apathetic for myself, unless triggered. I know you’re right. I get close, then something pops up to peeve me again. I posted about that very thing a couple of days ago, how at my age I should just let it go. I try but never seem to get over the hump, ya know. Glad you’re back. Enjoy conversations with you. Stay cool!

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                    • emmagc75 says:

                      He disregards cause he has no idea the amazing joy and laughter that comes from really spending time with them! It’s his loss and guess what? Would u rather they spent time with him? It seems obvious he would hurt their feelings in some way without even realizing it. Cause he’s clueless.
                      I also honestly can’t imagine having my Dad or Mom not adore their grandkids. So I have no clue how painful and hard that must be. Years ago I asked my Mom why this other woman didn’t enjoy her grandkids like she did. She said “I think of it as this wonderful secret that they haven’t discovered yet. They may never figure it out and that’s sad cause it’s their loss. My kids are my greatest joy n deepest pain. My grandkids are just joy lol” Hugs xo

                      Liked by 1 person

  9. bipolarsojourner says:
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    welcome back! i missed you. i’m glad your back and i’m glad the second part of your vacation went well enough.

    good job on opening up. i’m finding when i close up, i stand little chance of resolving my feelings. it is when I open up do a stand a chance of resolving my feelings. that’s as long as the whole revolation process doesn’t go sideways. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. samlobos says:
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    It takes a lot of courage to be completely truthful and acknowledge where you are at and then taking steps towards getting your needs met, even if it means the possibility of having to make hard decisions. I’ve had to do this myself. I also feel like the man I fell in love with is also in this place in his marriage. I only hope he is actually pursuing the help he needs.

    Liked by 1 person

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