My husband and I had a great time together this weekend. Saturday we went to a birthday party for friends of ours. It was a lot of fun and we both enjoyed ourselves. Then we got home and of course, no sex. I have already been rejected enough for many lifetimes, so I just cannot initiate anymore. I’m also playing phone tag with the sex therapist. It just made me a little sad because I really can’t imagine how we got to this place.
Since Monday, I have been dragging my feet a little and I wasn’t sure why. I think it’s part frustration that this is what my life has become. And why isn’t he finding a sex therapist and making an appointment? But I’m also petrified because if this doesn’t work, there’s no other choice but to get a divorce. And I think that’s what has kept me from pushing ahead with therapy the last 2 weeks.
Today I feel less exhausted and more hopeful. I actually took a nap yesterday afternoon lol. It’s been a while since I took a nap in the afternoon without being sick. It really helped improve my mood and I am no longer feeling so wiped out. I think sometimes we forget how important sleep is for our health. I know I am definitely guilty of that.
My Mother-in-law, who is a wonderful woman, had hip replacement surgery 2 weeks ago. She was walking around for 3 weeks with a broken hip! She thought she pulled a muscle at the gym. So we have both been back and forth to the hospital and rehab. Now she’s staying with his sister for a week. So we went to her house and got all the clothes, toiletries, meds, etc that she needed for the week. I know it’s been difficult for my H seeing his Mom this way, especially after losing his Dad 2 years ago. She says that I am the best nurse out of everyone. I told her it’s because I have had so much practice with my Mom and my Grandma lol.
So finally, today I talked to my H and told him my fears about what happens if sex therapy doesn’t work. He told me to try not to be scared and that it will work and we both have to believe that. He also said that whenever he gets negative, I tell him to try not to think that way because it just makes things worse. He said since his Dad died, I’m the one that is always positive and full of hope. But the truth is, whenever I get hormonal or sad, he is always giving me hugs and cheering me up.
I just really and truly hope we can find the spark after so many years and figure out why the hell he has almost zero interest in sex. I actually weigh less than I did when we were married. I’m pretty with a sexy body so I don’t think it’s a physical attraction thing. But he has gained a decent amount of weight in the last few years, and kind of let himself go. So if anyone has cause to feel less physically attracted, it’s actually me.
Thank you for letting me pour out my thoughts and feelings. It has actually helped me to not feel so alone. Sex or rather, lack of sex, is not a very popular topic but it’s an extremely common problem in relationships. I had no idea how many people, men and women were going through the same thing. I always knew some women didn’t like sex or not very frequently. But to have a man not want it? It just didn’t seem possible. I know how silly and naive that kind of thinking is. I guess it’s just because every serious relationship I had ever been in was highly sexual and physically satisfying. So I never imagined I would marry someone who would eventually have no interest.
I can relate to this on so many levels. My soon to be ex husband and I went through this no sex phase quite a few times during our marriage. Sometimes it was exhaustion, sometimes it was our schedules, even a few times it was because of medications one of us was on. After twenty years of being together we did notice that the spice was gone and it wasn’t always as amazing. I can say though after being together as long as we were that there were hardly any awful experiences. Sex and intimacy is so important in a marriage. I hope you find some answers.
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It really is so important. I’m sorry you’re getting divorced but I hope u find love, laughter n great sex lol! Hugs to you xo.
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Thanks! I hope the best for you as well. ❤
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Thanks. I appreciate that 🙂
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A little late reading this. Hope things are getting better between you and hubby. Have you ever read the book Captivating? Its by Staci Eldridge her husband wrote Wild at Heart. Perhaps you and your husband can read those to help 🙂
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No I don’t think I have. Thanks, I will check them out. I appreciate any help I can get 🙂
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Well some people are just asexual. When did the sex stop with your H. Are you sure there was nothing that triggered it? For me I lost interest the moment I learned of her affair.
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His libido took a nosedive about 4 years ago. Wasn’t that because I never ever would’ve had an affair if I wasn’t sexless for 2 years! Tried everything to jumpstart it and finally told him I was going to cheat a bunch of times. I have a high sex drive. Always have n it’s important part of intimacy in a relationship.
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Crazy. Did he get everything checked out medically?
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Yes he had a severe vitamin B n folic acid deficiency. He’s a little better. We had sex 2 months ago. He says he’s always tired n feels sluggish. So he goes back to dr this week. Then following week we start sex therapy. I have promised 3 months. If there’s not a huge improvement, he understands I can’t stay with him.
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Oh his testosterone is on low side of normal.
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Well seems like a simple fix
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Low side of normal they dont give meds.
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Where do you live
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Long Island why?
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Just wondered if you were close. I live in Columbus Ohio
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Nope, not close lol. Never been to Ohio.
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Is it irony if you get hit on, on your own affair blog.
I hope your hubby gets over his self esteem/depression issues. The alternative doesn’t sound so attractive. If you can sick through this with him and come out on top (*snicker) then you’ll both be better for it.
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Who hit on me?!? Did I miss something? Lol I’m not in an affair n haven’t been for 9 months. I hope we can both be on top heehee. Time will tell right? How are u?
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Just the last comment about you being dream lay. I found that kind of funny but I guess that is to be somewhat expected when you lament of your lack of sex. The way you write I feel your sorrow and sometimes wish I could help, but I also understand it doesn’t quite work that way. But I digress…
Things are well here. I’m finding I crave sex less now because my needs are more or less being met. I still initiate a lot of the sex but at least I’m not met with rejection when I do.
I actually kind of turned it down last night, well I sort of just got too drunk. How that for a happy ending.
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I like to think I’m a feminist but I don’t get offended by remarks like that. If the intent behind it was different? Sure. But that wasn’t the case. Like in real life? I can’t expect to wear sexy, nice clothes, makeup and hair then get offended if someone compliments me right? As long as they look but don’t touch, I rarely do anything but smile.
I have a really good sense of humor and I try to see the irony that I get hit on and complimented almost daily. But the man legally required to have sex with me? Never in the mood lol. I’m glad ur needs are being met now. Be well xo!
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I read your post and I almost cried. I’ve been in your place a few years ago. It broke my heart because I started questioning myself as a woman. I got pregnant (fifth child) and I couldn’t believe how lucky (or unlucky, since sex happened like 3 times in one year). We (ex and I) had another problems but I think that the lack of interest from him was what make me leave him a few weeks after my boy was born.
I hope you get to solve all your problems. I tried and tried even harder but didn’t succeed. When I had to weight my options (because being a single mother of 5 is not fun at all), I had on the negative list my in-laws. They never liked me. His mom made my life miserable since the day I met her 🙂
When I read your mom in law is wonderful, I smiled. There is hope.
I wish I could give you some good advice 🙂
Have a great weekend.
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Thank you for sharing your story! That really helps more than u know. 5 kids? God bless ya Superwoman lol. Hugs to u xo!
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Thank you! 🙂
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🙂
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Oh n yes she’s very kind and supportive. She isn’t warm n fuzzy like my Mom was. I think that’s the German in her lol. But she is very loving n caring. I’m extremely lucky to have her.
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You are! I wish all the mothers in law were that way! 🙂
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Oh I know! I’ve heard horrible stories. Doesn’t it damage a marriage?
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It destroys it completely! 🙂
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That sucks 😦
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I hear you, Emma. I was in a sexless marriage, not by my choice. It was terrible… terrible for my self-esteem and physically painful because my sex drive was so high and I had no way to relieve it. 😦
In the end, we couldn’t resolve it despite 4 years in marriage counseling so we separated last year. I hope for better for you. ❤
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I’m sorry L. But at least you did all you could. It has definitely been terrible n painful. How are u now?
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I see what I’ve been missing, which is bittersweet… both awesome and sad.
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Yeah, that sucks. You deserve a full life.
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Thanks Jay! It has sucked and led me to have an affair, which is not ever the answer. We all deserve a full, happy life. Be well xo
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This is difficult, but I do hope therapy might help. It may not do anything for the relationship, but it should certainly help you
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Exactly, it’s like praying. It can’t hurt lol. Thanks. Be well!
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Lovely that he gives you hugs and tries to cheer you up.
I’d hate to upset you being course but that’s me lol, I follow your blog and I’ll say what I guess many men are thinking namely you sound every male’s fantasy of a ‘dream lay’, he must see the therapist! X
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If telling me I’m a guy’s fantasy or a dream lay upset me? I’d be upset a lot dude lol. I take it as a compliment. Crude but a compliment lol. Thnx 🙂
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Wishing you the best, I had a sexless marriage, it didn’t work and made me angry as well (really just sad to the point of anger). Said a prayer therapy works for you
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Thank u so much Laura. Prayers are definitely appreciated. It does make me angry n sad. And it can’t work unless it changes. Hugs xo!
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Sending you the best of vibes. Good luck.
Love to have you comment on my latest post as well : https://rinsebeforeuse.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/baggage/
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Thanks. Good post!! P n I always used to say that my crazy fit his crazy. But seriously that man has more baggage than JFK Airport lol.
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Oh Emma I hope things improve for you. Rejection is hard to understand when you love someone. I think that seeing his doctor is a good thing ot sounds like depression is playing a major part here. Hugs xx
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I think it’s definitely part of it. Thank u for the support. I appreciate it 🙂
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xoxo
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Hi Emma, I think that many many people can relate to your issues around sex and marriage. I know about sex, quite well actually. I think there needs to be a lot more talk about sexless relationships. It traps everyone in a place of massive sadness. You can’t live like that and you will help many by letting them know they are not alone. You go girl.
Louise
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Thanks Louise! It’s so strange for me to ever have difficulty sharing anything but I do struggle sharing this. I don’t know why. But it is a big problem, it’s important and it needs to be discussed. Hugs to u xo!
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you know I understand completely. I never thought I would ever tell anyone never mind share it on line with my picture all over the place but at my age I have nothing left to loose and nothing more can be done to hurt me more than already has. But when you really believe you are right the drive to tell you story moves you forward albeit it is a huge struggle. I have know many people in my life who have sexless marriages and their hearts are broken and they don’t know what to do about it. You can really help so many men and women as you get to sort it out for yourself. There is no shame. You sound like a healthy woman who insists on getting what was essentially promised you when you married in the first place
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That definitely happens as u get older. My Dad never really cared what others thought but now?? He doesn’t give a flying f*&# lol!! I am healthy and I need physical intimacy on a regular basis. It’s that simple and that complicated. Hugs to you. U go girl xoxo!
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🙂
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Hi Emma your post “second chances” is coming up oops that page can’t be found. Thought you would like to know of course
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Thanks! It wasn’t finished lol. Posting now.
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I think I had mentioned I’ve been battling depression for a few years? Pretty much the same time the axe drive started to diminish. Also, have put on some weight, and I think this is related to testosterone and cortisol issues.
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Yes I dont think it’s a coincidence u are both on the low side of normal. Hope ur well xo
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With the right therapist things will be back to normal soon. 🙂 Stay positive! Hope your mother in law has a speedy recovery!!
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She’s doing well. Thanks n I really hope so 🙂
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Speaking from the spouse’s perspective, sex (or wanting sex) can at times having nothing to do with physical beauty and be mental or emotional in nature.
I know there are many times where I am so emotionally drained that, despite being in love with my wife, I am simply not physically interested. Much of this has to do with wresting with her numerous mental health issues.
I’m not a therapist so I don’t have a solution, just trying to offer some honest perspective.
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I know in my heart ur right Vic. It’s not about me, it’s about him. Still not great for the ego though lol. Thnx 🙂
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Depression and anxiety are known to kill sex drives, and often people who suffer from them have very low libidos. If he’s put on weight as you said, then he may also not be feeling good about himself.
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I think those things are definitely part of the problem.
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Even without the sex issues, I get the impression from reading your posts that you view your husband more as a buddy. I am not suggesting you don’t love him. It just seems like a different kind of love.
Even if the issue with his sex drive does not necessarily right itself, I think that therapy is good for everyone. It helps us to grow as people. Slowly, the negative stigma associated with the word “therapy” is starting to dissipate.
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I guess I do Jarrod. But that’s kind of a result of trying a lot to rev his engine n being rejected. And yes I’m no longer hot for him. I hope that can change but I guess time will tell.
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I do hope everything works out for you Em. Maybe its all his head, do you think ?
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I have no idea Ev but thanks 🙂
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As always sis 🙂 hugs !!
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Thanks sis!!! Hugs xo
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Stay on the clock. Give this a shot then reassess. Positivity, right?
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Exactly!
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I don’t have experience with the issues he’s having specifically. But I think if commits to therapy, is honest in therapy, and finds the right therapist, it’ll likely be beneficial. He has to really want to do it though. Made all the difference in the world for me.
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He said today he feels constantly exhausted and like everything takes so much energy. Maybe he’s depressed. He goes back to regular dr next week n hopefully therapist can fit us in next week too. Will let u know. Thnx for the support.
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Please do. I really hope it helps. I kinda “clicked” with mine. Hope he does to. Makes it easier to be honest.
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I hope so too. Thnx 🙂
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Good luck, my friend!
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Thnx 🙂
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😉
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Ok winky lol
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Mine as well. Finding the correct person that you feel comfortable working with and that understands your situation is very important. When I stopped seeing my therapist regularly, I actually hugged him and thanked him for the role he had played in my life.
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That’s awesome! I’m glad. Hugs xo!
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Yep, I’ll always be grateful for the work mine put in with me. He was terrific. I still consult with him every now and then.
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That’s like mine. Known her 20 years lol
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I had tried a few over the years. Nothing stuck. Then I met my guy. We clicked, I felt comfortable, I was honest. Of course, I was in a different place mentally then. I wanted to be there. I knew I needed to be there. That commitment had a lot to do with its success.
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Definitely need the commitment to work.
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Absolutely! Just spinning wheels if not.
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No more spinning wheels lol
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I hear ya. Hopefully your H does too.
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Today I’m hopeful. Have a great day! 🙂
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Hope is good!
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Hope gives u wings 🙂
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Indeed it does. The thing with feathers, right? Hope is a funny friend though. It comes, it goes. I try to keep it near all the time though. Sometimes it’s the only thing that has gotten me through over the years.
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Yup it comes n goes. Like the tides 🙂
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Oh, the tides! Now I want be on a beach. Wait…there’s never a time I don’t want to be on a beach. But it reminded of that fact. Let the daydreaming commence.
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I’m going to friend’s cabana Monday afternoon. Probably one of last times before summer over 😦
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Yeah, my boys trip was my last blast. Now you’re just making me feel bad. Wish I had a friend with a cabana! I could do without the cabana boy though…unless he has a repetitive remark of, “Here’s your fresh cocktail, sir.”. No speedo though. I have to draw the line somewhere, even with the refreshed cocktails.
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Oh gosh no! I get Speedos for swimming competition but otherwise they should be outlawed lol. Even a GQ model in a speedo is just yucky lol. They don’t bring u drinks at this one. At our other friend’s cabana they do but I like more relaxed byob atmosphere 🙂
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I’m with ya on the relaxed atmosphere. Can’t stand formality of any kind. And, in case you were wondering, I will NEVER be caught dead in two things: 1) anything related to the University of Kentucky (or as I usually write: sUcKs), 2) a speedo!
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Good to know LOL. Well I do like to get dressed up a few times a year. But I’m really glad I no longer work in the corporate world.
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Me too! I wear a black polo and khakis to work every day. No great fashion statement, I know. But I don’t have to worry about picking out clothes, putting on a tie, or wearing uncomfortable shoes. The only way it’d more “me” is if I could wear shorts and flip flops
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Oh yes flip flops lol
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Or better still, barefoot! That’s the best
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Definitely 🙂
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U had 4 days!?!? Ur wife deserves a girl trip or a spa day lol. Geez at least bring her a Margarita n fill up a plastic kiddie pool for her to put her legs in heehee 😉
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Oh, believe me, she gets plenty of pampering, weekends to Seattle to see her best friend, and I always give her the time away or to spa that she needs. Actually, she’s taking a short trip to NYC at end of October to see her best friend, who’ll be there for a conference. Trust me, I spoil her.
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I kind of figured that or you wouldn’t be as happy together as u are lol. Maybe u 2 should write a marriage advice blog together 🙂
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Hmmm. You know what they say about working together when married! We’d probably kill each other. That being said, I think we have done and survived a bunch, and could provide some sort of advice. Remember though, I’m shy. That’s really putting oneself out there…and I’m not really an “expert” on anything. Who’d want advice from numbskull like me!?!
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Well I’m an intelligent, educated woman and I would. 😆
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Well, now THAT is a compliment! Thank you.
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Ur welcome 🙂
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I’m serious. That really made me smile. Thanks.
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I’m seriously glad. It’s true 🙂
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Ha! Well, it was a pretty cool thing to say to someone. And getting the sense that you mean it? That’s even more cool. So, yes, thank you. As Forest Gump would say, “Thats all I have to say about that.”. 😃
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LMAO! Love that movie. Night xo
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