I know some people would rather I never mention a certain person EVER AGAIN lol. If that is the case, skip this post and come back tomorrow lol. Please let me be 100% clear. This was how I felt IN THE PAST. It is NOT how I feel anymore. I just wasn’t ready to let him go for so long. I had so much love for him and hope that he would find his way back to me.
Don’t you just love an eternal optimist? Well that’s definitely me! I was so hurt, betrayed and angry but underneath it all was hope. False hope is such a bitch! Even more than Karma lol! It keeps you loving and missing someone long after they should be but a memory. I was never as strong as everyone thinks I am. I missed him so much, some days I didn’t know how I would make it through.
But somewhere along the way, I went from loving him to needing him. It became unhealthy, like an addiction. I kept needing more and more to satisfy me. I know now that it was my subconscious way of knowing that I was skating on thin ice and was about to fall through to the murky, icy waters below. He wasn’t ready to build a life with me, even though he told me he was. I guess deep down inside somewhere, I knew that. That’s why I was so insecure. When someone leaves you, it makes you feel insecure!
I realize now that it was extremely foolish and naive to think a relationship could’ve possibly worked out, especially back in November when his family threatened to disown him if he left so n so for me. We all need love and support from our family and friends. That’s what life is all about. Family, friends, love, laughter, relationships, and joy. His kids are the most important thing in his life, as they should be, and it’s stressful enough knowing your parents live separate lives. To throw me in the mix would’ve hurt them and I never wanted that. Kids don’t ask to be born and they deserve every chance for a happy, secure life.
An affair is, despite how you may feel while you are in it, an extra relationship. While mine wasn’t a secret from my hubby, I wasn’t open with him about it. Sometimes, it was like he was in a prison and I was stuck in there with him. The insane part is that I was there through my own choice! At the time, I just wasn’t ready to face up to the big problem in my marriage, a lack of physical intimacy.
All I know is he was able to put my love in a fuckin box!!!! Wow, really dude?!?! Well, if you are able to just stick my love in a box, then it couldn’t have meant that much to you in the first place. Why are guys so much better than women at compartmentalizing? It’s such a nifty ability when you want to lie to yourself and keep things separate in your head. Just probably not the healthiest way to go through life. I think it’s a blessing in disguise I found out how damaged and addicted he was before I made any major changes in my life.
Why did I give him a few chances?!?!?! When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM!!! But that’s the thing. Despite the fact that he hurt me, can I truly fault him for trying to save his marriage and family? Even though so n so’s a narcissist, they have still been married 19 years. Just another lesson. Affairs suck n cause everyone a lot of pain, even the cheater. That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 2 years. I guess that was what this was all about. Teaching me lessons that I needed to learn. And I absolutely have, whether I wanted to or not.
So how many chances do we give those we love before it’s enough?? How many chances before we must let go and wish them well? And how many before it goes from loving someone to being a doormat?