Death Takes Us All But Love is Eternal

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I have accumulated a lot of personal knowledge of death over the last 7 years.  First 6 years ago, I lost my Mom.  A year later I lost one of my best friends, my 32 year old cousin, a Special Forces paratrooper who survived 2 tours in Iraq and a tour in Afghanistan, in a freak training accident here in the US. A year after that, his father and the only Uncle I was really close to out of my Mom’s 3 brothers died of cancer. A year after that I lost my only other male cousin who was 44 of cancer. A year later we lost my H’s Dad less than a month after he was diagnosed with cancer.  Now, my Mother-in-law died last week of ovarian cancer after a week in the hospital and before she was even officially diagnosed!!

Holy shit!  I cannot believe how many people I have lost over the last 7 years!!  Is it me or does that seem like A LOT of death?!?!  That doesn’t even count close family friends, distant relatives, grandparents, etc. Maybe I am being overly sensitive or dramatic but that seems like a shitload of death and loss to me.  I don’t think I ever really stopped and thought about it like that.

I was raised to always find the good in every situation as well as something to laugh about.  Because otherwise what the heck is the point?  And I agree with that philosophy, it has kept me going through some very dark times in my life.  I’m not saying don’t feel bad, mad or sad.  I’m saying don’t allow it to define you.  I don’t think that I have a dark cloud hanging over me or anything.  Shit happens in life and you really have only 2 choices. You can either deal with it and enjoy life or you can sit and whine about all the bad that has happened.

Do you know what I think of?  I think of their faces, smiling and laughing.  So full of life and joy.  They each led such extraordinary lives and had something so special about them.  I mourned them and grieved the loss but now?  I remember them and I celebrate all the amazing memories and laughter we shared through the years!!!  I was so lucky to know them and be related to them, either by blood or by marriage.  How many people can say they consider themselves truly lucky to have had 33 years with a mother so remarkable that she will never ever be forgotten?  I can!!

Yes it sucks and when someone is grieving the worst thing you can say is something idiotic like they’re in a better place or it is a blessing!!!  It makes that person’s loved ones want to crack someone in the head lol.  It doesn’t matter that it is true or that you only mean to help, when a person is grieving almost anything you say can set them off.  That’s just the nature of intense pain and suffering.  You know what never ever pissed me off or hurt my feelings?  I’m so sorry for your loss and a hug.  That was always the perfect thing to say.  More people should just say that lol.  At least I think so.

I think the way I think about death is different than most.  After being there with my Mom when she died, whatever doubts I had about the afterlife and seeing our loved ones again when we die?  They cease to exist, 100% because she had the most beautiful and happy smile on her face as she crossed over from this world to the next one.  My Dad and I thought maybe we were hallucinating, but then we realized we would both have to be hallucinating simultaneously but separately. We will see our loved ones again and from the look on my Mom’s beautiful little face?  It’s a hell of a party when we do!!!!

Love is Stronger than Death

 

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I cannot believe I am writing this a week after she got sick. My Mother-in-law passed away last night. All 4 of her children had been there throughout the day n night. Her daughter, my sis-in-law, was with her. And my husband, who we lovingly joke is horrible with hospitals, had just left her bedside not 5 minutes before she took her last breath.

I am so proud of him. He is extremely uncomfortable and visibly shaken in hospitals but he stayed alone with her Friday and Saturday night in the hospital. And has been there all day into the night since.

He called me around 6:30pm. I had gone home after work, exhausted physically and emotionally. He said he was tired n might leave. I told him to stay with her, his brothers, sister and his uncle. I said please trust me, I have been here before. You need to be there. He said you’re right, I will stay a few more hours. He called me from outside the elevator because no cell reception in parking garage. It was 11:12 and he had just left her and his sister. The others had left about an hour before. She died at 11:16 pm. Like his sister said, she knew her son and waited until he had gone.  That was her, thoughtful and kind.

She is at peace and she has been reunited with her husband of 51 years.

Feeling the Love

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Thank you for all the kind words, support, love, prayers and encouragement. It means the world to me and helps my spirit more than I can ever express.

I’m glad my Mom-in-law and I have gotten so close over the past few years. She’s German and strong, so she can seem cold but she’s not. She’s loving and kind. I have definitely made her more affectionate with all my kisses, hugs and I love yous lol.

Until we get the pathology report back, we won’t know for sure but they think it’s lymphoma that is also in liver and chest. Her 4 kids are all hoping it’s stage 3 not stage 4, which anyone who has been through this before or has medical training knows is the difference between curable n terminal. I remember having the same hope. So while I am 99.9% certain it’s stage 4, I am not saying that to anyone except my family and friends.

For me, the biggest problem is the medical care she is receiving. She is in the hospital where my sis-in-law is a nurse. It is a decent heart hospital but personally I wouldn’t send anyone there, especially not my Mom. And they are not experts in cancer or pain. The nurses care but they are not equipped to handle severe cancer pain.

My Mom’s cancer went from her lungs to her liver, brain then bones. She had a huge brain tumor, pneumonia, pulmonary embolism, shingles and a bunch of other complications during the almost 2 years she was sick. In all that time, she was never made to suffer in the amount of pain my MIL suffered last night. I never allowed it to happen. I was there day and night because that’s how she was and how she raised me.

Finally at 2 am, after twice having to witness her screaming in pain and waiting almost an hour for pain meds, I stood over the nurse while she got the dr on the phone. I apologized, grabbed the phone and got him to agree to switch from oxycodone pill every 6 hours as needed to morphine via iv every 4 hours. I made him promise they would not wait til the pain got so bad that she was screaming. He apologized and said of course, he would take care of it. I was just happy I didn’t need to threaten hospital staff and get thrown out.

Today, she was sleeping and not in pain. My husband is staying tonight and hopefully Monday they will have answers for us when pathology report comes back. I would have moved her to a better facility today if she were my Mom.

But it’s not my call and after last night, I am relaxing tonight. She has 4 children and they all have to step up and be there for her. It sucks that they have no time to adapt but our lives are not important right now. She matters most right now.

Thank you again for all the love and well wishes. Hugs to all.

Smoke em if you got em

My mother-in-law and father-in-law worked out 5 days a week, eat right, don’t smoke and rarely drink. They did everything we are told by doctors, the news and society that we should do to live a long, healthy and happy life.  My father-in-law died 2 years ago at age 79, just 26 days after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He was the same weight that he had been since high school and in better physical condition than even my husband.

Since then my mother-in-law has obviously struggled, as she had just retired less than a year before.  They had 3 trips already booked when he was diagnosed.  But she is a strong, independent woman and she would not just give up and wither away.  She took a month off and then started working out again 5 days a week.  She joined a bereavement support group and got elected to her local library board.  I can only imagine how hard it has been since she lost her husband of 52 years.

In late July she walked around on a broken hip for 2 weeks before going to the orthopedist because she thought it was a pulled groin muscle from working out too hard.  My father-in-law used to say she didn’t work out hard enough, but he was a hard ass lol. She had hip replacement surgery a month ago and was healing beautifully. She exceeded all expectations and was looking forward to getting back to her life. Until last Thursday when she began to feel weak and exhausted. By Saturday she could barely get out of bed and she had aged 10 years seemingly overnight.  My husband and I were there all day Saturday and Sunday.  I made her soup as she had no appetite and didn’t even have the energy to leave her bed.  Sunday morning my sister-in-law came over, thought my MIL was in a depression and said she was taking her to the hospital.  My MIL refused and said she needed rest. Well even the difference between 9pm Saturday night and noon on Sunday was dramatic.  Her speech was slurred and her motor functions were affected as well.  I thought she might have had a stroke.  So I talked to her throughout the day and got her to agree to go to the hospital the next morning.  I said “T you are slurring your words like a drunk!  You are not depressed, there is something medically wrong and we need to figure it out so you can get well.”

When she went to the hospital Monday morning she had only half the blood volume we normally do and her liver enzymes were high.  They gave her a bag of blood and there was no increase in her volume.  After a colonoscopy and an endoscopy came back clean, we were extremely worried. Today they did a liver biopsy, an MRI of the liver and a Pet scan.  While we won’t know definitively until we get back the pathology report, there are masses in the liver.  They don’t think it originated there, so almost certainly it’s stage iv.  I am leaving work and spending the night with her in the hospital.  No one else was available tonight and like I said before, I’m a pro.  I can count on both hands the amount of people I would sleep in a hospital recliner chair for and my MIL is one of them.

So I am not in a very hopeful and joyous mood right now.  I am bitter and so angry at so many things I feel like my head is going to explode.  I have 30 minutes to get myself together, quit blubbering and paste on a smile.  She’s a very intelligent woman and she doesn’t know anything yet.  Please say prayers and thank you.

Date Night Nixed

My Mother-in-law is a pretty great person.  She was a stay at home Mom until going back to school to get her Bachelor’s Degree.  She then continued on to get her Masters, eventually becoming a Dean at a major university.  She’s strong, independent and has always been really good to me.

A month ago she had hip replacement surgery after walking around on a broken hip for two weeks because she thought she had pulled a groin muscle.  She was doing really well until a few days ago when she became extremely weak and tired.  We spent all weekend with her, making sure she ate and stayed hydrated.  My sister-in-law is a nurse and seemed to think she was depressed and that’s why she wouldn’t get out of bed.  I said she might know medicine, but I am the expert on depression lol. And depression doesn’t slow speech and motor functions as dramatically as she was experiencing.  She wouldn’t let her daughter take her to the hospital on Sunday, so we stayed all day into the night and I spoke to her a few times about how something was medically wrong and she needed to go to the hospital.  I said she’s only depressed cause she feels so sick and tired.

This morning she willingly let my sister-in-law take her to the hospital, saying I had talked to her and make her realize she needed to go.  She said I’m really good at caretaking and she appreciated all my help.  Turns out she only had 1/2 the amount of blood we’re supposed to have.  She was on blood thinners and they had given her a drug celebrex as an anti-inflammatory.  They think between the two, it caused a bleed in stomach. So they gave her a transfusion and tomorrow morning they will do an endoscopy to find the bleed and cauterize it.  She didn’t get into a room until about 9:30pm and my sister-in-law has to work in the am, so I went up to the emergency room to wait with her while they got a room for her.  After all the times with my Mom, if waiting around in emergency rooms was an olympic sport, I’d be a gold medalist lol.

Well as of this morning her blood count didn’t increase at all, even with the transfusion. They put the endoscopy on hold and tomorrow will do both an endoscopy and colonoscopy at the same time. This way she only has to be sedated once. But now she has to prep for that oh so much fun colonoscopy, complete with laxative drinks and enemas. Fun times so I’m letting her 4 children, my hubby, his sister and 2 brothers take the lead today lol.

At least they gave her some zanax to calm her as she is very agitated which is not like her at all. Last night she was picking at the dozens of wires coming thru her hospital gown from all the cardiac monitors. Frankly I think almost everyone laying uncomfortable in a hospital bed should be given something to relax them. Why the hell not right?

Oh yes I almost forgot, so unfortunately the Saturday night date of dinner and a movie my H had planned had to be put on hold. Actually we were so tired and worried when we got home that night, we didn’t even remember til we got into bed. He was worried about his Mom and I was too. I also had the added bonus of remembering all the days n nights I had done almost the same exact things for my Mom. And of course it made me miss her beautiful smiling face. I’m a good caretaker, not because I’m Mother Theresa, but because unfortunately I have had quite a bit of practice. Thankfully I had off from work for the Jewish holiday 🙂

True That

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I’ve decided to just go where life takes me and enjoy the ride. It’s been a week NC and that’s a good thing. Yesterday I was a little sad but that was hormonal lol. I have no idea where I will be or who I will be with a year from now. And for now, that’s perfectly okay. But I will no longer allow myself to care n love people that don’t care and love me just as much. People show love by choosing to be in our lives and being good to us. If they aren’t? Don’t let the door hit u on the way out lol!!

One Way Ticket to Crazy Town!

I honestly feel so happy and content today. It’s nice not to feel that crazy need to contact. I don’t know how long this wonderful feeling will last but I’m grateful to feel good. I like having a life with little to no drama. I am most definitely not one of those women who seem to be followed around by drama.

When I first started blogging here, I became very close with a fellow blogger who had also been in a somewhat similar situation and heartbreak as the one I was currently trying to navigate my way through. Unlike P, he dumped her AFTER his divorce mediation was DONE!!! Just wrote her a letter and cleared all his stuff out of her house while she was at work. Went back to wife VOLUNTARILY and told her he had been having a 2 year affair!! Then cut off all contact with her. She KEPT contacting him, went to his work, went to the coffee shop that he always went to. As far as I am concerned, she stalked the guy and now she has the nerve to pretend that HE PURSUED HER?!? She feels somewhat responsible??? He said he wanted to work on his marriage and then she hounded him.

Now you may ask why this particular story freaked me out SOOO much. It affected me deeply because I was really afraid I would jump off that cliff and act as shameful and pathetically weak as she did too. I mean it REALLY scared me how she seemed so sane and then POOF crazy town. I told her she was screwed up and I said I couldn’t respect the choices she had made anymore, but I respected her right to make them. The sad part is she is not at all the mature, I have it together, I will just take a backseat and see, success story she pretends to be. Picture her attached to his leg begging and pleading, as he’s desperately trying to walk away. Unfortunately, that’s much closer to the truth.

He asked her to give him time to work on his marriage, just like P asked me. The difference is that he DID NOT want to see her. She sought him out at work, she went to the coffee shop he frequents, etc and so forth!! Then she has the sheer AUDACITY to talk about his estranged wife stalking her?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me, he was the gazelle and she was the friggin lioness! I have just truly had enough of people who were lucky enough not to know the extremely ugly truth buying this crap any longer.

That’s when I had to separate myself. I figured she seemed pretty sane before this, maybe a little full of herself and deluded but nice. I didn’t want to end up jumping off the cliff. It scared the crap out of me. Yes she has him. But at what price??? And she got an abortion for him, but somehow now they act like the baby died of natural causes!!! It’s batshit crazy. I can’t even deal with it. That’s why this is the first time I am posting what really happened, THE TRUTH . I have a bullshit threshold limit and by actually trying to paint HERSELF as the victim in this very sad situation, she has crossed it.

She is delusional and more screwed up in the head than this man’s poor wife could ever be. Quite frankly, I think this woman has shown remarkable restraint. I might not like and respect so so, but the only victims in our soap opera was their kids. I own my mistakes, for better or worse, and do not want to repeat them. Having an affair was selfish and wrong. But at the end of the day, at least I still have my dignity.

No Longer In the Driver’s Seat

NO, THIS IS NOT ME don’t worry!!! LOL

So yeah, remember when I thought I could handle being in contact with P? Turns out that was a little ambitious and premature.  But hey you live, you learn right?

This time I told him that I would not contact him again.  And I would only accept contact from him if there was a MAJOR life change.  It’s been 10 months and hardly anything has changed.  That’s fine for him, but I think it’s absolutely ridiculous and sad.

He got all upset when we last spoke, almost like he was having a panic attack. I told him that it wasn’t goodbye forever, just for a while. That seemed to calm him down and he said ok, that he could handle. (FYI- I am not overly concerned with what he can or cannot handle at the moment, forgive me lol.)  He has a twitch in his eye and his lip.  This man is STRESSED to the max!  And I think we both realized we were just torturing each other having contact.  It’s not like we were lovey dovey at all! He kept asking me to see him but understood why I couldn’t do that.  I refuse to end up in the same situation, lying and cheating.  No thanks!  We both were very uncomfortable lying and sneaking around. And whenever we’re together, all rational thought tends to go out the window because he’s so damn sexy lol. So I resisted.  Do I regret it?  I’d be lying if I said never but I know it was the intelligent decision for both of us.

I honestly do not know how to describe it.  But unfortunately for me, calling or texting him became like an OCD compulsion that I felt completely helpless to stop. The really insane part is it rarely, if ever, even made me feel better!!!  Crazy right?? I have never had OCD but WOW, it must really suck to be a slave to certain behaviors.  I cannot even imagine the hell people go through.

I have to decide what I am doing with my marriage, but thankfully I don’t have to make that decision yet. Because of a family issue (his Mom needed us and she never ever needs us so we were happy to help), we had to postpone our first appointment. And because I work days and my husband works nights, it’s been difficult. But he is taking off next week for our first appointment and I cannot wait.  I just want to get on with all this already.  I went from not wanting to go to I can’t wait to go.  Go figure lol!

Narcissistic Mothers- A Special Place In Hell

Narcissistic Mothers

There is a special place in hell for narcissistic mothers.

Narcissistic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do. They do not look forward to the birth of their child because they can’t wait to see what they look like or what type of personality they will have or who they will become. No, they have children for one reason only: More mirrors. They have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them.

They don’t see their role as a mother as life’s biggest gift. It’s a burden they didn’t expect. They thought they were creating little “mini-me’s.” They didn’t take into account the fact that somewhere around age 2, these spiteful, ungrateful (in their minds) little creatures start to develop their own individual personalities and wills of their own. For the rest of us, that’s the best part of being a mom — watching our children grow into increasingly independent, confident, free-thinking individuals. For the narcissistic mother, each step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal.

Children have emotions that they express quite freely. This annoying practice is squashed as early as possible since narcissists cannot handle emotions. “What is wrong with you?” and “You’re so oversensitive” and “You’re overreacting” are common phrases uttered to children of narcissists.

These mothers end up resenting all the work that goes into raising a child, having no use for them unless they are achieving, doing something or otherwise reflecting their false image onto them. Children are a nuisance to them, taking precious time away from their own agendas. They don’t like to have to listen to their children, prepare meals for them, do their laundry, enroll them in activities, drive them to friends’ houses, throw birthday parties, pay for their college educations or protect them from abuse.

They will smother and overprotect their children under the guise that they are taking care of them. (An example of this is continuing to cut up her 17 year old son’s meat for him.) They will fail to provide age-appropriate information on such things as menstruation, personal grooming (make-up, hairstyles, shaving, etc.), budgeting money and dating. This all serves to keep her children under her control as long as possible. If they are ill-informed and overprotected, they will not feel confident to grow or move further away from her.

They expect perfection and constantly remind their children that they fail to meet this expectation. Of course, they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently toward their children in public than they do at home. They will vehemently deny any wrongdoing on their part and most likely blame their children, completely rewriting history.

Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults. They will play siblings against each other. They will compare siblings. They will talk to siblings about each other. When they have a problem with one, they will talk to another about it.

They are jealous of their children’s successes, even though they brag to others about them (‘see how great MY kids turned out’). They will make snide comments if they think one of their adult children has a better marriage, house, job, etc. than they do. They are thrilled when they perceive that one of their adult children has failed in some way (although they never tell others about these “failures”; it reflects poorly on them). They are more than happy to assist when necessary because that makes them look good, plus, there is an added bonus of having favors to collect on. Asking a narcissistic mother for a favor feels like selling your soul to the devil. It’s emotional extortion.

These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is incredibly difficult and painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming yourself — she raised you to blame yourself for everything. But it is necessary to put the blame where it rightfully belongs in order to insure that this insidious disorder isn’t perpetuated generation after generation.