Narcissistic Mothers- A Special Place In Hell

Narcissistic Mothers

There is a special place in hell for narcissistic mothers.

Narcissistic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do. They do not look forward to the birth of their child because they can’t wait to see what they look like or what type of personality they will have or who they will become. No, they have children for one reason only: More mirrors. They have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them.

They don’t see their role as a mother as life’s biggest gift. It’s a burden they didn’t expect. They thought they were creating little “mini-me’s.” They didn’t take into account the fact that somewhere around age 2, these spiteful, ungrateful (in their minds) little creatures start to develop their own individual personalities and wills of their own. For the rest of us, that’s the best part of being a mom — watching our children grow into increasingly independent, confident, free-thinking individuals. For the narcissistic mother, each step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal.

Children have emotions that they express quite freely. This annoying practice is squashed as early as possible since narcissists cannot handle emotions. “What is wrong with you?” and “You’re so oversensitive” and “You’re overreacting” are common phrases uttered to children of narcissists.

These mothers end up resenting all the work that goes into raising a child, having no use for them unless they are achieving, doing something or otherwise reflecting their false image onto them. Children are a nuisance to them, taking precious time away from their own agendas. They don’t like to have to listen to their children, prepare meals for them, do their laundry, enroll them in activities, drive them to friends’ houses, throw birthday parties, pay for their college educations or protect them from abuse.

They will smother and overprotect their children under the guise that they are taking care of them. (An example of this is continuing to cut up her 17 year old son’s meat for him.) They will fail to provide age-appropriate information on such things as menstruation, personal grooming (make-up, hairstyles, shaving, etc.), budgeting money and dating. This all serves to keep her children under her control as long as possible. If they are ill-informed and overprotected, they will not feel confident to grow or move further away from her.

They expect perfection and constantly remind their children that they fail to meet this expectation. Of course, they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently toward their children in public than they do at home. They will vehemently deny any wrongdoing on their part and most likely blame their children, completely rewriting history.

Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults. They will play siblings against each other. They will compare siblings. They will talk to siblings about each other. When they have a problem with one, they will talk to another about it.

They are jealous of their children’s successes, even though they brag to others about them (‘see how great MY kids turned out’). They will make snide comments if they think one of their adult children has a better marriage, house, job, etc. than they do. They are thrilled when they perceive that one of their adult children has failed in some way (although they never tell others about these “failures”; it reflects poorly on them). They are more than happy to assist when necessary because that makes them look good, plus, there is an added bonus of having favors to collect on. Asking a narcissistic mother for a favor feels like selling your soul to the devil. It’s emotional extortion.

These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is incredibly difficult and painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming yourself — she raised you to blame yourself for everything. But it is necessary to put the blame where it rightfully belongs in order to insure that this insidious disorder isn’t perpetuated generation after generation.

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27 thoughts on “Narcissistic Mothers- A Special Place In Hell

  1. lindenforestbrook says:

    I come from a long line of narcissist’s- and the behavior and actions described brought back some painful flashbacks. My family and all the stories surround them could make a soap opera for a lifetime lol. Luckily I found my husband (after 2 failed marriages prior) and he’s supportive- because he too understands what I have been through as he comes from a narcissist mother. One of my friends and I were discussing the other day this exact subject- that maybe the baby boomers are all slightly narcisstic (no offense to those not in this category) but one cannot help but notice a common issue between them in this regard with the way Gen Y (me et al) were raised and have all these mental health issues as a result. There’s an article floating on the guardian you can google about this that talks about this very thing.
    My social anxiety comes directly from all the scrutiny placed on me by my narcissistic family. I’m a-ok having little to no friends and being away from people- less people= less hurt and less drama lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. CrazyKat1963 says:

    Compelling. The above describes my husband’s mother almost exactly and it is painful to read, however, the quicker adult children of narcissists can realize the emotional baggage they carry around, deal with it, and release it, the better it is for them and everyone around them. Since his diagnosis, my husband has no contact with his parents. It is crucial to his healing.

    Liked by 1 person

      • CrazyKat1963 says:

        There was no announcement of it. My husband’s parents have always been extremely critical of him. He literally could do nothing right and they have always disliked me and treated me very badly often with disdain and complete disrespect (realize, this is 30 years for me, 50 years for my husband). Of course when his mother talks to her friends, her children are perfect, but she treats them like possessions at best and treated them like garbage most of the time. In an email to my husband, his father (most likely prompted by his mother because she rarely does her own dirty work) told him that they were so disgusted with him as a person and with his horrible behavior (just because he had not called them back within 24 hours to get a verbal beat down about some trivial issue she had with him), that unless he could be a better son they didn’t want to hear from him. In this same email, they also said they would take the family name away from him if they could. This all happened about a month after d-day and a couple weeks into his solid sex addiction diagnosis. They know nothing of their son’s behavior or his addiction. They are truly evil and hateful. My husband seriously thought about changing his name, but our sons obviously have the name and we have our own business and it would be really confusing and unnecessary. He decided right then and there that, after reading that email, he would not contact them again. Prior to that, communication was strained because of another problem his mother had with him, so it wasn’t obvious right away that he wasn’t speaking to them. They have since sent emails, but no phone calls. We just delete the emails. That “take your name away” email was sent more than 18 months ago. My husband tried to stay in contact with his sister, but she is also a victim of the severe narcissism of her mother and exhibits a lot of the characteristics. The mother and daughter are in competition with each other, so the sister had taken to telling the mother that she was speaking to us, but we had forbidden her from telling them anything we spoke about. Which is not true, she just liked to have that over her mother, so for the past 16 months, neither of us has had contact with the sister either. We did tell her we were going no contact as a part of my husband’s healing. The sister knows about the sex addiction diagnosis/treatment/etc… and she has been far more aggressive than the mother. She sends mean and hateful notes and then literally sends notes to my husband saying his issues are my fault, and then she sends messages to me saying I should leave my husband because he is just a lying cheating bastard. As if my husband and I don’t talk to each other. Crazy. She would be happy to see everyone miserable. The mother is extremely patient as she is used to people not speaking to her over her life and she feels better than everyone else and always believes she is right. She has never apologized to anyone for anything. Since there are now only two siblings (the younger brother having committed suicide 5 years ago), and my husband is not speaking to either his mom or sister, the mom has no way to manipulate the sibs against each other anymore. She does have contact with our older son. Apparently she has now focused all her attention on her younger son’s widow and the six year old son. As long as they have people to manipulate, they can continue to feel self righteous. I am not sure my husband will be healed enough to speak with them before they pass. His mother is only 75 (and very healthy), but his dad is 81. His mother recently sent an email saying they were going to be in Seattle and they looked forward to seeing us there??? She is delusional. My husband doesn’t even read their emails, he just summarily deletes them.

        Liked by 1 person

        • emmagc75 says:

          Wow! That’s a lot of heavy baggage. I’m glad he has you. Hey I guess he’s lucky she didn’t eat him at birth huh? Lol My family isn’t perfect but we’re pretty much the Brady Bunch in comparison. Always there for one another, no matter what. And always lots of love, joking and laughter. My Mom left a wonderful legacy and we try to honor her even when we piss each other off. Hope u are well sweetie xo!

          Liked by 1 person

          • CrazyKat1963 says:

            Yes, he has me and my family…. even bigger than the Brady Bunch, I have 10 siblings! I feel so lucky to have my wonderful family. I am glad my husband has had them in his life for 30 years, who knows how far off the rails he would have gone. It sucks he was born into such an unhealthy environment. I am doing well, I am obsessed with professional tennis, so binge watching US Open tennis. 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

              • CrazyKat1963 says:

                Yeah, we were there last year and even though we had tickets to the main stadium, there were matches on the outer courts I wanted to see and it was impossible. My favorite are the really late nighters as most people leave and those matches are often very fun… like Nadal v. Fognini a couple nights ago. Wow was that a good match, wish I was there.

                Liked by 1 person

                • emmagc75 says:

                  Exactly. I’ve seen some amazing matches on the little courts. U used to b able to come n go easily. Last time hubby went to bathroom n it took him n my cousin an hour n half waiting on line to get back. No thanks! Lol

                  Liked by 1 person

  3. sonofabeach96 says:

    Man, I used to rue the fact that I was an only child, and as such had to be the only one subjected to that shit. But after reading this, I’m kinda glad I didn’t have a sibling only to have them pitted against me in some twisted game of he said she said. I sometimes think that she had me because she needed help raising herself. So many times I felt more like the parent than the child. Ugh!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sabiscuit says:

    (Crumples to floor) I never thought someone else would have the guts to write this truth. I have seen this often: mothers who compete with their daughters for attention from men; who farm them out to lecherous men (they hate being disliked so will victimise their own children to win approval); blame them for being born and ruining their chances to get men; sabotage their efforts to succeed; accept accolades to their influence (when they did nothing) and treat them like banks when they become financially independent. I called them cannibals in a blog post earlier. I still believe they are.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Whoresnotwelcome says:

    I grew up with a narcissistic mother. She hasn’t changed but I still love her and never stop taking care of her. I suppose I have never known an different but I am the opposite with my son so I suppose I must have known on some level that her behavior was wrong. I have always excused her by saying she isn’t very maternal but in truth she isn’t grandmaternal either. Life revolves around her it always has.

    Liked by 1 person

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