No Longer In the Driver’s Seat

NO, THIS IS NOT ME don’t worry!!! LOL

So yeah, remember when I thought I could handle being in contact with P? Turns out that was a little ambitious and premature.  But hey you live, you learn right?

This time I told him that I would not contact him again.  And I would only accept contact from him if there was a MAJOR life change.  It’s been 10 months and hardly anything has changed.  That’s fine for him, but I think it’s absolutely ridiculous and sad.

He got all upset when we last spoke, almost like he was having a panic attack. I told him that it wasn’t goodbye forever, just for a while. That seemed to calm him down and he said ok, that he could handle. (FYI- I am not overly concerned with what he can or cannot handle at the moment, forgive me lol.)  He has a twitch in his eye and his lip.  This man is STRESSED to the max!  And I think we both realized we were just torturing each other having contact.  It’s not like we were lovey dovey at all! He kept asking me to see him but understood why I couldn’t do that.  I refuse to end up in the same situation, lying and cheating.  No thanks!  We both were very uncomfortable lying and sneaking around. And whenever we’re together, all rational thought tends to go out the window because he’s so damn sexy lol. So I resisted.  Do I regret it?  I’d be lying if I said never but I know it was the intelligent decision for both of us.

I honestly do not know how to describe it.  But unfortunately for me, calling or texting him became like an OCD compulsion that I felt completely helpless to stop. The really insane part is it rarely, if ever, even made me feel better!!!  Crazy right?? I have never had OCD but WOW, it must really suck to be a slave to certain behaviors.  I cannot even imagine the hell people go through.

I have to decide what I am doing with my marriage, but thankfully I don’t have to make that decision yet. Because of a family issue (his Mom needed us and she never ever needs us so we were happy to help), we had to postpone our first appointment. And because I work days and my husband works nights, it’s been difficult. But he is taking off next week for our first appointment and I cannot wait.  I just want to get on with all this already.  I went from not wanting to go to I can’t wait to go.  Go figure lol!

61 thoughts on “No Longer In the Driver’s Seat”

  3. woundedraven says:
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    Remember the good old days when it was more difficult to stalk a guy? You had to put in a lot more work. You were limited to sitting at home calling his LANDLINE from your LANDLINE (and hanging up on his machine), waiting by the phone for his call, or driving by his house to see if his car was parked in the driveway (you know we’ve all done it!) Nowadays you can be going about your business running errands and rapid dialing a guy simultaneously…..77k times if you are like this lady. Or piecing together his movements via his posts/tags/check-ins on a variety of social media sites. Texting … oh the texting. No response required! I’ve gotta give this woman credit where credit is due. No one can question her level of commitment and determination.

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:
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      Omg I fell off my couch laughing when I read this comment! I remember us prank calling our crush in 3rd grade til our mothers gave us a very necessary talk about letting a boy come to u lol! Thnx for brightening my day 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. smellingmint says:
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    Oh the texting the texting!!!! A total addiction. Neither of us could be the one who answered last either. If I didn’t hear from him first thing in the morning and last thing at night I was horrified. What’s that all about?! So glad you’re back I missed you! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Whoresnotwelcome says:
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    I really hope it works Emma. I understand addiction being a sufferer of OCD. When something becomes a security blanket it’s almost impossible to let go. You did the right thing no matter how hard and you are not just giving up on your marriage so I admire your strength. One of my OCD behaviours involve trash bins by the way. I have just bought one that opens and closes automatically so I don’t have to touch it! When I am anxious I cannot control it at all so I really admire your willpower. How easy it is for something that brings us comfort to become a crutch. I’m not sure I am the 77000 text kind of person though! Only I could find joy in buying a trash bin;)

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    • emmagc75 says:
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      Hey whatever helps us right? Trash cans too lol. It’s been 8 days and I’m doing well. I feel bad that I had to swear on my Mom to break the cycle of contact. But it was the only way I knew to really do it long term. Hope ur well xo.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. samlobos says:
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    Oh man! I absolutely know that urge. It is A Lot like an addiction or compulsion. And every affair partner’s story I’ve read describes it just like that. What’s that about? Im soooo glad Mr. Nerd decided for both of us to stop contact. Maybe it was due to the fact that his wife found my blog and could read everything I wrote, not sure. But even though it was heartbreaking, I’m glad for it now. Good that you and your husband are going to finally start therapy. Much love!

    Liked by 1 person

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