You Need Love – http://wp.me/p4PfeT-gh
Breaking up with a narcissist reminds me of my experience with childbirth. It’s scary. It hurts like hell. It’s not something you can ever really prepare for. You feel nervous, afraid and a little relieved. You have no idea what to expect. You’re thrust into unfamiliar terrain and filled with fear of the unknown.
When you’re faced with an overwhelming life challenge and feel completely unequipped and unprepared to deal with it, you just have to have a little thing called faith, or what I call finding your Bertha.
TIP 1: Find your Bertha.
What is your Bertha? It could be your higher power, a system of beliefs, the source, the universe, a therapist or someone who has been through the same experience and triumphed. Bertha is a set of beliefs or a force greater than yourself that you have absolute faith and trust in. It could be as simple as the belief that, “the universe has something better in store for me” or “everything happens for a reason” or it could be your higher power, God, Buddha and the list goes on.
Years ago, I was a pregnant new mom to be, in labor long enough to see three shifts of obstetrics nurses come floating in and out of my room. I was in pain and terrified. I had no idea what to expect. The nurses all had different personalities, some were warm and fuzzy, some were quiet and aloof and then there was Bertha. Bertha marched in my room like a drill sergeant with the confidence of an Admiral. There was nothing warm and fuzzy about her, but she was not quiet or aloof either. She had a dry sense of humor and by the way she carried herself, it was clear that this wasn’t her first rodeo. Her self-assurance and take charge presence instantly made me feel at ease. I knew everything would turn out just fine with Bertha at the helm. This gal knew exactly what she was doing and I could trust putting myself and my unborn child in her care. My moans and groans of pain and agony didn’t unnerve her. She was like a tower of strength. She ordered me around like a new recruit. Sit up. Take a deep breath. Eat these ice chips. Do this. Do that. Bertha was no-nonsense, but she was also very calming and extremely caring and knew how to use humor to distract me from my anxiety.
Finding your Bertha becomes your beacon, your symbol of hope, your North Star, your guiding light and your Rock of Gibraltar. It’s the voice of reason. Your Bertha is the General that confidently guides you through the battlefield when you feel lost. Your strength when you feel weak. Your hope when you feel hopeless. Bertha isn’t alarmed by your pain, because Bertha knows that pain it is part of the process. There’s just no escaping it. Bertha will help ease your discomfort as much as possible, but the rest is up to you. Bertha knows that if you summon the strength to endure the pain of heart-break and the fear of the unknown, you will be rewarded with the greatest gift. Just like the pains of childbirth result in the gift of a precious new life, the pains of heart-break and the courage to face your greatest fear, will result in a precious new life, too…YOURS! “Rock bottom is the solid foundation on which you can rebuild your life”. It is your opportunity to pick up the pieces and rebuild a better version of the old you.
THE USED-TO-BE’S DON’T COUNT ANYMORE
Divorces and break-ups are hard not only because of the loss of the relationship, but also because of the loss of all our dreams and hopes we had for the future. Narcissistic relationships start off on such an exhilarating high. They are the fairy tale romance we’ve always imagined. The love we always dreamed of. Then, over time, our relationship ecstasy turns into a bad trip, where we are manipulated to feel like we always fall short, are completely inadequate, invalidated, used and unloved. In the process of trying to fill the gaping hole in our partner, we lose ourselves.
When these relationships end, we experience despair, confusion, disappointment, failure and grief. We’re shoved into uncharted territory. Our whole lives change in the blink of an eye. We are completely unprepared and have no idea what to expect. We are ambushed by vicious smear campaigns. Our daily routine abruptly changes. We lose relationships with mutual friends and our ex’s family members. We feel lost and nervous about the future. We wonder what life will be like? We worry if we will ever find love again or if we’re doomed to end up alone. All the uncertainty of the unknown can feel worse than staying in a toxic relationship that we know is not healthy for us. So we hesitate to move forward and get stuck ruminating about all the good memories of how our ex used to be.
TIP 2: Remember the used-to-be’s don’t count anymore!
THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE
When we are sad and lonely we often mistake these feelings for love for our ex. This isn’t real love! It is sadness and loneliness driving us to romanticize the good memories and reach into the past for a solution to end our pain. We turn our focus back in time to when we felt happy rather than concentrate on the reality of how the narcissist acted and treated us. We allow the emotions of the pleasurable memories to overrule the overall view we have of our ex narcissist.
It’s normal to want to have someone in your life and it is nothing to feel ashamed about. But if you are missing someone who was cruel and hurtful toward you, then it’s time to pause and ask yourself if you miss the idea of being with a person more than the person themselves? Honestly ask yourself if you are you confusing your sadness and loneliness for love? “Are you looking for happiness in the place that you lost it?”
It’s human nature to want to take the path of least resistance to relieve our pain. Unfortunately this path is only a band aid. A temporary solution to dealing with a problem that will only prolong the pain, not solve it. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying by Albert Einstein, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. That’s where the path of least resistance leads to, exactly the same result- more pain.
TIP 3: If you want to change your situation and see an end to your pain. It’s time to take a new path, one that is not easy. Stepping outside your comfort zone is essential to healing and recovery. “New opportunities reward people who step outside of their comfort zone”.
REPLACING THE “G” IN CHANGE WITH A “C” TURNS CHANGE INTO CHANCE
“Who Moved My Cheese” is a 96 page parable written by, Spencer Johnson, about how different people deal with major change. If you have read this cute parable, read it again. If you haven’t read it, there are many morsels of wisdom in this clever little story. A few of them are:
“Being in an uncomfortable zone is much better than being in a cheeseless situation”.
“The quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you find new cheese”.
“The fear you let build up in your mind is worse than the situation that actually exists”.
“What you are afraid of is never as bad as you imagine”.
“When you change what you believe, you change what you do”.
TIP 4: Learn to accept change. Go with the flow. Adapting to change is crucial to healing and recovery. It’s also a prerequisite to building resilience and coping with the life’s inevitable uncertainties. The more we resist change, the more we stay stuck and prolong our pain and suffering.
THOUGHT BLOCKING & SWITCHING
Education is key to setting yourself free. Continue researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Devour all the information you can. Read articles, watch YouTube videos, follow blogs about narcissism and join an online support group or two. Arming yourself with education and knowledge of NPD will empower you to keep moving forward. Every time your thoughts turn to your ex, instantly block and switch them to educating yourself about narcissism. For instance: If you think to yourself, “I wonder what my ex is doing right now?”, then read an article about narcissistic personality disorder. If you think to yourself, “I wonder if my ex misses me?” Read an article about narcissistic tactics of manipulation. Or, if you if think to yourself, “I miss my ex”, then search for a YouTube video about malignant narcissism. Use this thought blocking and switching technique to reduce the amount of time you spend focusing your energy on your ex and substitute your thoughts with educational information about NPD.
TIP 5: Use the method of Thought Blocking and Switching to decrease your focus, energy and attention on your ex, and instead, concentrate your energy on substituting thoughts of your ex with ones (info/data/articles) that dissolve the residual brainwash and accurately depict the realistic versus the romanticized version of your ex.
IT”S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY
Let them out. Feel your feelings. You will have good days and not so good days. You might feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster at times. You will feel a lot of conflicting emotions including; sadness, fear, RELIEF, confusion, ANGER, freedom and resentment. Don’t fight your feelings. If you try to ignore or suppress your feelings, you’re likely to prolong the grieving process and get totally stuck in it. Openly discuss your feelings. Join a support group. You will benefit from hearing similar stories from those who have been there, faced the pain, and as a result, are living happier lives. The support of people who understand exactly what you are experiencing is vital to healing and recovery.
Find a therapist who will help you identify your vulnerabilities that contributed to your susceptibility to the narcissist’s manipulation tactics. Take an honest self-inventory. Were you at a low point in your life when you met the narcissists? Was your self-esteem compromised? Were you lonely or did you just come out of a bad relationship? Do you lack good boundaries? Do you have childhood wounds, perhaps an unavailable or narcissistic parent?
Start keeping a journal. You no doubt will be triggered by memories of the narcissist’s cruelty and criticisms. These intrusive thoughts may cause a wide range of emotions and manifest themselves when you least expect them. Be prepared. The littlest things may set you off. For instance: You may be draining a pot of spaghetti and find yourself hearing your ex’s voice condescendingly correcting you about the “right” way to drain spaghetti. Writing these experiences down will release them and diminish their power and presence in your life. With time they will slowly begin to fade.
TIP 6: The more you identify your feelings and express them, receive validation and support from those who truly understand your experience, the more you will come to healthy realizations that will decrease some of your pain and self-doubt.
THE “IF ONLY’S”
Breaking up with a narcissist is 1000 times harder than a normal break-up. One of the many reasons for this is first they pummel us with manipulation, assault our self-worth and stealthily erode our self-esteem. Then when the relationship is over, we beat ourselves up for the things we did or did not do and/or berate ourselves for staying longer than we should have and for the signs we failed to recognize.
Accept that the narcissist is what he/she is. They are totally incapable of love and deep connection. Nothing you did or didn’t do would have changed the outcome. You were not loved for YOU as a person. You were viewed as an object and loved for your utility not for your individuality. You were used for the perks you were able to provide. You were their human helium tank that maintained their inflated view of themselves. I know it sounds harsh and it’s a very painful realization to accept. But the acceptance of this fact is also the very thing that will accelerate your healing and set you free.
Narcissists are as capable of giving love as a rock. (And yet, you’ll get more love from a pet rock). This is why they can replace people as easily as replacing an empty toilet paper roll. The day will come when you view them in a similar way- just as useless and worthwhile as an empty roll of toilet paper. Have faith in your Bertha, the day WILL come.
TIP 7: Try not to personalize the break-up. Don’t dwell in the “if only’s”. “If only I tried harder”; “If only I didn’t disappoint him/her”; “If only I was a better wife/husband”; “If only I saw the signs”; “If only I listened to my instincts”; “If only (insert blank)”. The “if only” game doesn’t change anything. It just keeps us trapped. It makes our future, just like the past –a dry, barren, exhausting wasteland of blame, guilt and shame.
PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM!
Narcissistic relationships should be measured in dog years. If your relationship lasted 5 years, that’s equal to 35 years in Narcville. A relationship with a narcissist is nothing short of exhausting, depleting and emotionally draining. Having your self-worth and identity systematically and stealthily dismantled can leave you not knowing which way is up. It’s not surprising, that so many survivors feel like empty shells of their former selves. The deliberate erosion of their identities and self-perceptions through the constant daily drip of projections, distortions and ambient abuse leaves them wondering how to put the pieces of their lives back together, especially when they don’t even know who they are anymore.
Before you can rebuild yourself and your life, you have to undue the brainwash and the negative feedback loop that was installed in your mind. For instance: If you were accused of being selfish, unfaithful, uncaring, lazy, needy, controlling and so on, then you have to challenge the narcissist’s projections and distortions. Were you accused of acting needy or controlling because he/she stayed out all night and didn’t call you? Then ask yourself, “Is it reasonable to expect your partner to call you, especially if they are going to be out all night?” Heck yeah it is! Or, were you accused of not being able take advice because you didn’t do everything the narcissist’s way? Ask yourself, “Is it reasonable that I should be expected to do everything someone else’s way?” Heck no it isn’t! If you are uncertain about the answers when challenging the negative feedback loops playing in your head, ask your therapist, ask your support group or a trusted friend.
TIP 8: Challenge and disown all the narcissist’s distortions, projections and brainwash you internalized. These qualities are not yours to keep. Give them back to their rightful owner. For every negative feedback loop you erase from your psyche, install an accurate new interpretation or message in your mind and play it over and over again, Sam!
THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTIONS
I know when you were in the relationship with your ex narcissist you asked yourself at least a thousand times “why am I putting up with this crap?” Or, “why am I staying in this relationship when all I ever feel is miserable and unloved?”Now, is the time to search high and low for the answers to those million dollar questions. They are questions only you can answer. Hint: A good place to start looking for clues that will reveal the answers is to examine your fears, guilt, shame, insecurities and your past childhood wounds. The more brutally honest with yourself you are, the more you will uncover the mental traps that helped hold you hostage in a toxic relationship.
In the beginning of the relationship, during the idealization stage, the narcissist’s make-believe, fairytale love alleviated you from confronting your mental traps. The power of the idealization stage concealed the mental traps from your consciousness. The constant showers of love and adoration in the beginning, acted as a band-aid that shielded the wounded parts of yourself. Since the source of the healing was external, the effects were only temporary and dependent upon the narcissist’s “love” and approval.
We attract people at our common level of woundedness. Identifying and addressing our wounds is the most powerful form of narc-repellent for future relationships. Healing our wounds from the inside out is the only cure for lasting recovery and a narc free life. Start by confronting your fears of abandonment, loneliness and unworthiness and facing your insecurities. Just as your ex’s “love” had the power to temporarily extinguish your mental traps and make you feel wonderful, your self-love has the power to PERMANENTLY extinguish your mental traps and make you feel fabulous.
The journey to self-love and acceptance is a daily habitual process formed through small and consistent actions. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s taking care of your mind, body and soul. It’s making your physical and mental health a priority. It’s embracing who you are, flaws and all. It’s replacing automatic negative thoughts with positive ones. It’s turning the thought, “I don’t think I can make it” into “I can do anything I set my mind to”. It’s surrounding yourself with only those who are 100% team YOU. It’s not settling for less than you want and deserve. It’s finding your passion and purpose. It’s learning how to fill up your own cup. It means not needing a relationship to feel worthy or whole. It’s ridding your life of any unhealthy habits and addictions. It’s daily gratitude for the good things in your life, however small. It’s staying in the present moment, the magnificent present, where there is no worry about the future or sadness about the past.
TIP 9: Practice the steps of self-love daily. Heal yourself from the inside out. Make your physical and mental health a priority. Replace automatic negative thoughts with positive ones, even if you don’t believe them entirely at first. Your thoughts directly influence your feelings. The more positive thoughts you have, the better you will eventually feel. Practice an attitude of gratitude –it will add more positive thoughts to your emotional bank account. The more you repeat the steps of self-love and incorporate them into your daily routine, the quicker your mental traps will disappear, your self-esteem will improve and your boundaries will automatically strengthen by default.
While journeying on your path toward self-love and putting the pieces of your life back together, there will be times when you will need to use Reality Testing to bypass the hurdles and stumbling blocks created by all that stinking thinking. Reality Testing is a therapeutic technique used to assess and adjust our perception of a situation for what it is rather than the way we fear it to be. For instance: You may fear you will never find anyone else and may even convince yourself of this. You might say something to yourself or others like, “I will NEVER find love again”. The thought that you will NEVER find love again is a cognitive distortion. A cognitive distortion is simply a way that our minds convince us of something that isn’t true. Usually, these types of cognitive distortions include the words “always” or “never”. It’s important to apply the technique of Reality Testing to contest these damaging cognitive distortions. They are as destructive to your psyche as a narcissist’s constant battery of projections and gaslighting.
The population of the world is estimated at 7.13 billion. So now tell me how it is possible that you will never find love again? The only thing coming between you and finding love again is the cognitive distortion in your own mind. Give it the ole’ narcissistic discard! This is your movie, rewrite the scripts!
TIP 10: When you hear yourself making negative self-defeating statements that include “always” and “never”, challenge them and play the devil’s advocate. Use Reality Testing to disprove their authority and power in your life. Thoughts = Feelings = Actions. If you change your thoughts and beliefs about your situation, your emotions and feelings change as a result. Your feelings directly influence your actions. When you act differently you create a different outcome.
DETOXING FROM LOVE
The impact of the “love bombing” stage is intoxicating and incredibly addictive. Understanding the chemistry of the chemical bonds of love will help you stop obsessing about your ex and speed up the healing and recovery process.
During the idealization stage, our brains became drenched in a potent cocktail of love bombing and pleasure inducing chemicals. Adrenaline provided that surge of energy and excitement during the initial attraction stage, and also is the cause of why many lovers require less sleep and lose their appetites. Then add in the drop of serotonin levels associated with falling in love, which basically diverts your mind and drives you to obsess in an OCD like fashion about your lover and nothing else. Lower serotonin levels are found in people who suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- go figure! Pour in a little oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone” or the “bonding hormone”, which forges the attachment between partners. And top it off with the ever-present chemical, dopamine, which stimulates feelings of pleasure within the body and just happens to be the same addictive chemical that’s released when you eat chocolate or take a hit of cocaine. So, it’s not really all that surprising that a break-up is much like trying to kick a bad drug or alcohol habit.
Since your brain has associated your ex-lover with these pleasure inducing chemicals, just the thought of him or her triggers this dopamine response and the motivation to contact your ex, much like a drug addict obsesses about obtaining that big high. This explains one of the reasons why so many people tend to obsess over their exes after a break-up in a very similar way a drug addict obsesses about getting their next fix.
TIP 11: Going cold turkey is the quickest way to detox from your ex. You can’t have a little fix now and then. It doesn’t work like that. It only prolongs the withdrawal symptoms (pain). Implementing the No Contact method (or minimal contact in co-parenting situations) and Going Stover* is the only way to speed up the process of healing and recovery.
BLESSINGS OFTEN COME IN DISGUISE
Your membership to the club no one wants to be in will eventually expire. Be patient. It takes time. Narcissistic abuse is a betrayal of the heart, soul, mind, and spirit, and often times the wallet too. It corrupts and completely shatters what we thought was reality and tarnishes our faith in humanity. For this reason, it takes a while to restore our equilibrium and process the trauma of our experience. Putting the pieces of your life back together and rebuilding yourself is not an easy, pain-free process, but it is a worthwhile one.
Have faith in your Bertha. The day will come where you will hardly recall the narcissist. Your ex will become nothing to you. Just someone you used to know. You will look back on the relationship as a painfully learned lesson. You will eventually learn to trust again, especially yourself and your instincts. The experience may forever leave a scar, but scar tissue is stronger than regular skin. You will be strengthened and move on. You will come to view the break-up as a blessing. Blessings often come in disguise. You will realize that through your relationship with the narcissist, you were given the gift of self-discovery, transformation and renewal. You will never be the same again– but you will be a better, stronger, wiser and an infinitely happier version of your old self.
It’s hard to admit, but…
You’ve been lying to yourself about your partner.
There’s an ever-widening gap between the person you want her/him to be and the person she/he really is. You have an idea of what constitutes a healthy relationship, yet you forgive your partner when she/he commits serious relationship grievances because, after all, she’s/he’s not all bad.
It started out small, didn’t it? You caught her/him in a “minor” lie, but she had a somewhat reasonable explanation for it. When you put two and two together, her justification seemed sensible, so it changed from being a lie to a “slight misunderstanding”.
Then, when it kept happening, she turned your attention away from the fact that she was lying to your being “suspicious, needy, and insecure”. So that when you’d catch her in another lie, she’d simply rage about your always watching her every move . When that got old, she began chalking up her bad behaviors to your having “let yourself go”. Suddenly, you were overweight, getting old, uninteresting, and a clingy basket case. Even worse, she claimed you’d become so “schizoid” that you weren’t good relationship material for anyone. And so you decided to stay instead of being alone because “she’s not all bad”.
Now, out of a one-month period, you might have one or two “good” days while the rest of your time is spent in misery and complete disaster. You survive day-to-day, barely staying sane, hardly able to function (or take care of your children) while waiting for the rare occasion that she might be “nice”. Through all the tears, heartbreak, and sucking it up, you know she’s going to come around at some point because she’s just “a normal person who makes human mistakes”.
If this sounds like you, you are experiencing extreme cognitive dissonance, which is a symptom of C-PTSD. Cognitive dissonance thrives on your chalking up your partner’s lies and infidelity to dangerous fallacies that we all come to believe in toxic relationships, such as:
- There isn’t anyone decent out there
- No one is perfect
- Most people are selfish
- She acts that way because of her painful childhood
- I can love her past her character disorder
- Well, I haven’t been perfect, either
Of course you haven’t been perfect because you’ve been emotionally traumatized. People who have been emotionally and psychologically abused typically display C-PTSD symptoms that can mimic bipolar disorder. Judith Herman, author of Trauma & Recovery, describes C-PTSD as a form of trauma associated with prolonged subjection to totalitarian control including emotional abuse, domestic violence or torture—all repeated traumas in which there is an actual or perceived inability for the victim to escape.  This may cause difficulty in regulating one’s emotions, explosive anger, and changes in self-perception which include shame, guilt, and self-blame. All very devastating for someone who didn’t start out that way.
I’ve been coaching people for a good while now and the people who come to me for help generally share a specific set of personality traits (based on data derived from informal personality assessments). While there are occasional deviations, most of my clients are INFJ (or generally Intuitive/Feeling), Empathic, and Highly Sensitive. Knowing what I know about these traits, the person who possesses them is very caring, nurturing, over-conscientious, and generally NICE. But sadly, they stop believing that about themselves because they’re in a persistent state of nuclear meltdown from being mistreated and manipulated by their toxic partner.
If your partner is constantly lying, being cold and being unfaithful, it’s a warning flag of a serious personality disorder – one that cannot improve. When we forgive and accept their excuses for these behaviors, we inadvertently teach them to keep doing more of the same. Over time, we lose more and more of ourselves while teaching our children that these events are normal in relationships, romantic or otherwise…and perpetuate dysfunctional relationship dynamics in the process.
And therein lies the danger in believing the common fallacies we come to accept in toxic relationships. If you are accepting the unacceptable, are waiting for your partner to change, and experiencing cognitive dissonance via believing things will get better in the face of increasingly devastating emotional abuse, it’s critical that you go No Contact and get help before your C-PTSD symptoms get worse.
Stand up for yourself. There are good people out there. Don’t continue sacrificing your morals and self-respect for people who aren’t.
Source: Spend your time feeling good ♡
Now if I can only figure out the secret to feeling good ALL THE TIME? LOL I will be all set 🙂
I have been thinking about this post for a while, ever since the summer and definitely since my good friend Ev did a post on her Search Terms. Now obviously her are a LOT more risque and entertaining lol. Mine seem kind of sad and very focused. Letting go is DEFINITELY the #1 search term. People have searched for that hundreds of times over the last few months alone. I guess I wasn’t the only person having trouble with this concept.
- break addiction to narcissist
- never waste your life on people who don’t deserve you just move on
- can a partner be addicted to a narcissist
- don’t think about the narcissist
- quotes that say I regret asking for a chance
- I won’t let u die
- early grief quotes
- sometimes you agree because of love
- coping with withdrawal from an affair
- giving things a chance quotes
- letting go
- let go
- images of letting go
- letting go of him
- that nice feeling of letting go
- if you knew me in my past
- addicted narcissists blogs for women
- covert narcissist supply
- teen girl no empathy unaffectionate cold to mother
- survivor letter of a narcissist
- break addiction to narcissist
- a letter from my future self as a survivor of narcissistic abuse
- addicted to a narcissist
- addicts codependents
- how to break being addicted to psychological pain
- the love affair quotes
- khayil woman.wordpress.com
- when narcissists lose control
- loving my dad blog
- how to break free from a narcissist relationship
- 1narcissistic mother and golden child
- tips on getting narcissist to stop fighting
- covert narcissist how to protect self
- and so this post is for you. for those whose suffering feels unnoticed. for those people who feel quietly stuck inside …
- mary elizabeth balderrama
- nephila hateful comment
- walking away from a perfect love
- postar dr john hagee on god’s name during sex
- withdrawal symptoms for love avoidance
- women who shout god’s name during sex
- porn fun cartoon
- obscure love messages on facebook after breakup
- affair withdrawal symptoms
- affair partner withdrawal
- bf n difference with husband images with quotes
- falling in love is so easy but staying in love and grow in love….. demands a lot of sacrifices…….
- Unknown Search Terms
Source: Broadening the perspective of Narcissistic abuse by including it right alongside every other abuse. Let’s call it what it is Emotional and Psychological abuse that can occur in any life situation be it romantic, friendship, family, work, etc. Let’s also include and define it in terms that are recognizable to personal relationships OR Domestic Violence. So a little insight into how this perpetrator abuses!
What makes this abuse so damaging is that emotional/psychological abuse doesn’t stop the day you walk away from an emotionally abusive partner, loved one, friend, career or any relationship. Unfortunately, it will probably continue to affect you long after your abusive partner, relationship, or whatever connection is gone and REMAIN unless you discover what emotional/psychological abuse really is and how to STOP it and recover from it. It is unfortunate that this type of abuse is hard to identify and many if not all of these abusers walk among us unrecognized AND in every aspect of our lives (personal and professional.) What is NOT hard to recognize is the damage these abusers have inflicted onto their targets/victims and the huge loss and struggle associated with this abuse. Unfortunately the perpetrators of this abuse walk away unscathed and abuse a new target/victim.
Emotional/psychological abuse is any judgement, in ANY interpersonal relationship, from any source that humiliates, undermines, paralyses, makes you fearful, controls you or harms you. The Department of Justice defines this same pattern of abusive behavior as Domestic Violence as in an intimate relationship! In their words and definition it is any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic Violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological actions, or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone. Abuse is abuse in any situation!
So some descriptors and definitions that apply to emotional and psychological abusers and how their toxicity is administered to all people and all relationships.
- Emotional and psychological abusers are controllers that ALWAYS run the show – think of them as dictators with an iron fist!
- The abuse and manipulation can come in either a physical form (actions) or at a deep emotional level in order to break the psyche to meet the abusers desires and needs.
- They create an omnipotent but FALSE façade as it concerns themselves where they are always portrayed as having a pristine, moralistic, and flawless lifestyle. They always have supporters to provide social proof of their magnanimous virtues to back them up – people they have manipulated with charm and lies. These supporters are basically their body guards to protect them from exposure of the truth or how disordered they are with their lies, betrayal, and how the extort life and people.
- Emotional and psychological abusers manipulate people that are in any sort of relationship with them to believe or submit to the feeling that they have NO value outside the value THEY are given or are assigned to them by the abuser – PERIOD.
- Emotional and psychological abusers manipulate people into a position of believing that submission, compliance and obedience are respect and even love.
- They DEMAND that their authority is ALWAYS respected, but they don’t model or reciprocate with ANY type of respect! What they really want is obedience!
- They do not live by their own professed teachings, values, rules, standards, or even laws – better yet they live by double standards.
- They misrepresent and DISTORT “right from wrong” and morality as it serves THEIR purpose or needs. They teach, imply, or present false truths that reinforce their agenda and personal desire to control.
- They make you jump through constant hoops in life making EVRYTHING so difficult to impossible! They back up their words with punishing actions.
- They lie, embellish, and CREATE false situations or cover ups with the tiniest bit of the truth to always misrepresent facts and avoid accountability as it concerns the truth about THEM.
- They instigate situations between people or triangulate, isolate, or divide and conquer. Then ask for your loyalty and respect as a factor in keeping their secret concerns about the person they are overtaking and isolating to hide their real motives and made up or false truths to put wedges in between people. This keeps the spotlight off of them and opposition between everyone around them.
- Emotional and psychological abusers misuse and manipulate their power in order to get what THEY want and to have things the way THEY want them. Many abusive bosses are quite adept at using this control over employees! Sometimes threatening is the adequate word to describe their persuasion.
- Emotional and psychological abusers can and will resort to cruelty. They will use jokes to poke fun at you or something you did, perhaps embarrass you and hope you react so they can make you wrong saying you are too sensitive or always overreact to things!
- Emotional and psychological abusers DEMAND that we don’t question them and manipulate you into believing that doing so is disrespectful. They reinforce their manipulation with rage that produces fear of their retribution. They will also isolate you with the silent treatment to invalidate your presence in their world!
- They are always right, they are always the expert that knows best PERIOD.
- The manipulative power they exert over you is always presented “for YOUR own good” as if it is valuable information to help you prosper and grow to be better than what you are – as in a person in need of their help. They just assume the role of superiority over people!
- They don’t respect or encourage individuality because that would limit their control over others. So they constantly exert their control and power to stay on top of their game.
- Emotional and psychological abusers do not live by their own definitions of “respect” “love” or “truth.” They completely betray people with a wide variety of actions.
- You are never a viable person with feelings, a voice, a presence, or allowed to have any positive validation or worth. You are ASSIGNED a submissive role and you must NEVER step out of that role!
- They DENY any accountability or wrongdoing as it concerns how they dehumanize people. They will always put the blame back onto the person they are abusing and even destroy their integrity. Sadistic describes the abuser perfectly.
The above description of emotional abuse and the abuse tactics applies to ANYONE that acts out against people in the manner described with the intent to control another person. It is abuse pure and simple, be it spouses, partners, aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, siblings, friends, professionals (therapists, clergy, law enforcement, bosses, etc.) This abuse is NOT just limited to romantic relationships! These abusive actions are based on the abusers judgmental beliefs and sadistic actions that harm people and based on the grandiose view of themselves or the superiority, power, AND control they exert over their targets/victims. Abuse and control is made easier when the self-esteem is damaged or destroyed and that is the power abusers exert over their targets through devaluation, dehumanization, and betrayal!
Emotional/psychological abuse keeps you focused on the past and seeing the future only through the negative perspective of the manipulative and abusive relationship and the negative messages from them (the abusive person.) When you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser will always remind you of everything that you may have ever done wrong and re-visit these wrongs constantly in a manner to make you BELIEVE that you will NEVER change for the better. Everything has a negative spin attached to it. This is managing down and devaluation to make you feel worthless in their eyes!
Emotional abuse may not leave any outward scars, but it can cause pain and fear for much longer than physical harm to the body. Many people believe that just because they do not suffer from physical abuse by their spouse, partner, relative, friend, boss, etc., that they are safe and it is not abuse. However, this is not the case because the scars are internal and the damage is psychological and can cause grief, fear, anxiety, depression and trauma for an entire lifetime! This type of abuse is like an odorless and tasteless poison to people’s minds! Both woman, men AND children suffer from emotional and psychological abuse or mental torture from abusers.
Psychological or emotional abuse happens when the other party erodes your sense of self-esteem or self-worth and literally has a hold over your mind. Your sense of self-worth becomes destroyed in the process so much so that you no longer dare to challenge what is being said to you or about you. Basically is it fear of their retribution. The abuser exerts their power over you in degrees of punishment, or isolation, depending on your reaction to them or if you don’t acquiesce to their demands. You believe in the stories, words, and negative actions against you and most of them are not even true to begin with. Your abuser spins a web of lies to control your behavior and for his/her own selfish motives or to control you. Control and power are tools and the technique that the abuser asserts over people that are in their personal life! In reality it is the ABUSER that is probably right down there with the other lower forms in society, but those dark secrets are well hidden under a cloak or façade of superiority and morality. The abuser actually projects their faulty parts and weaknesses onto you in a manner to take the shame away from them.
Emotional abusers do what they do to gain power over you. Consequently, you feel like you are being controlled and every single movement you make is being watched, OR the feeling that you are walking on eggshells. You fear making decisions, in fact, you find it difficult to make one without consulting your ‘abusing’ partner. You are ALWAYS explaining yourself! You end up losing your confidence in your own abilities, incapable of rational thinking. Your reality has been distorted by constant manipulation, devaluation and managing down. In time your self-esteem and self-worth are held completely captive by the gravity of your abuser!
The minute you make “a mistake” or do something that your abuser or controller decides is “wrong”, they purposely became inflamed and basically reprimand you with the proof that you are a failure, a liar, crazy, a misfit, just like they have said all along. Abusers will often do this publically, twisting the truth and making sure that others agree that you are the crazy one. Usually they will do this so eloquently and behind your back. The abusive controller/manipulator will always make sure that the blame never falls on them to avoid being exposed as the psycho bully they really are. This is a very big part of how emotional and psychological abuse works. No matter what the real truth is, it never comes into the equation because the final thoughts, words, and actions are always the abusers spin to reinforce their agenda! They have a powerful and direct voice that they use to command and bark out their carefully cloaked lies and manipulations to always get their way. The emotional and psychological abuse surrounds the target/victim with such uncertainty that it isolates them from reality.
Abusers will essentially mentor and shape you with their delusional propaganda and agenda to control you, then they will mistreat and devalue you, and then take your voice away. This is all part of the agenda to BREAK YOU! Then they will reject you because you are broken and add more blame/shame and wrong to the many layers that they have already created. This is the cycle of devaluation or abuse! They recreate you, then break you, then blame you, then comfort you and start the process over and over again creating a dizzying and confusing circle and endless maze.
Basically they are labeling and BRANDING you with THEIR own emotionally and psychologically abusive actions as not good enough, not lovable, not the way that “they” want you to be and YOU are a disappointment and a failure. This is how they ‘play’ love! BUT they are manipulating you into believing and even convincing you that YOU are completely responsible for their negative reactions toward you AND it is YOUR fault that you are not lovable or good enough. You even become compliant because they are relentless and constantly trying to make you explain or prove yourself to them! You become so confused in believing that you are not good enough and so brainwashed that you finally believe them. Usually there is a bond of love that keeps you attached to the abuser’s hip or it could be a relationship that you MUST have or cannot avoid with your abuser! They will trick you once in a while with a little bit of reinforcement or love but it short lived and there to keep you in the cycle of abuse OR they want something. They break your spirit to make you dependent on them because they cannot have a healthy relationship that allows the other person to be an individual or to grow with them in ANY healthy manner so they create a trap to keep you chained to them. They are not wired to relate with care and empathy or to grow with love so instead they control you to keep you there with them until they are done with you or bored and then they move on to the next target/victim to extort completely and use up.
They constantly define you through their abusive connection or bond and you MUST realize that it is up to you to take your identity and power back! You MUST redefine yourself by purging the abuse and negative messages out of your head and life and see that THEY are disordered and have only manipulated and dehumanized you to make you believe that you are worthless. That is where they acquire their power over you and you must shut it off completely. This is how they manage people because they are totally defective and damaged inside! They cannot internalize any sort of a connection with a person that would allow individuality because they fear that they will lose control. Unfortunately they take control to a destructive level and imprison your thoughts and life and you basically become their servant. They are dangerous to people and life and destroy families, organizations, careers, or basically any part of life they become enmeshed in!
When you are in the thick of an abusive entanglement it becomes so difficult to even know HOW to define yourself because you become so lost in the control, manipulation and that fog that they encased you in. You probably even doubt that you HAVE the strength to take your life back because you are so beaten down, BUT you do. You MUST break the cycle of the manipulative controller and take a complete stand against being falsely accused, blamed, and shamed for EVRYTHING. You must not surrender to anything that this abuser does or says and realize that you are NOTHING of who or what they made you believe you were. You must see that they are the sick person here to dehumanize people in the manner they do. You must walk completely away from them and NEVER return! They are seriously disordered and have become sadistic and destructive to somehow compensate for their own inferiority and failures. They will not seek help or even see that they have a severe problem.
Emotional and psychological abusers have to keep us in a distorted spin because if we break through the cycle of their abuse or that ‘fog’ for one second, we might realize that they are wrong or better yet that they ARE sadistic abusers! They know we will recognize how very pathetic they are so controllers and abusers quickly defer to a statement or event that proves their delusional points over and over again – that is why you never feel a balance with them or achieve closure. They are relentless with their pursuit of control so don’t look to fixing anything about them or getting into their head to understand them! They have had an entire life to fix themselves and they have always chosen to deny their reality and continue abusing people. You are/were just the next person in a long line of people they have damaged and they are already onto a new target/victim.
You may get a tiny little bit of encouragement now and then but it will be met with more manipulation and control to keep you under their spell AND control! What they say in their deliverance of an attack usually has nothing to do with reality or any current situation. Psychological and emotional abusers create diversions and confusion, or again that heavy fog that will distort your reality and put you right back into blame, shame, and under their control. You have no real identity or a voice with a psychological or emotionally abusive person because you are merely an object. If you resist they will only step their game up to destroy what they can of you until you comply. They are destructive psycho bullies and their words, so called truths, and proof is ALWAYS designed to take you down. You don’t resist because of this negative and debilitating conditioning, but you are glued to them because you care, love or respect them (emotional bond.) You have to break that bond and you must respect the truth that YOU deserve more than their dehumanizing and sadistic treatment!
AGAIN – Psychological and emotional abuse brainwashes you into taking whatever bad or negative things your abuser says about you as the gospel truth. They spin you into such a web of confusion and deceit that the very confusion they put you in undermines your reality and then you believe they must be right and it becomes a way of life for you! You will even end up looking like the ‘crazy one’ that they have made you out to be to the outside world. The abuser is invested in this managing down and devaluation and THEY need you to believe it too so they can maintain that control and power over you! JUST SAY NO!
They will also try to convince you that it is just you being too sensitive, or maybe too demanding, angry, insubordinate, or too unreasonable. If you EVER respond to them with a question concerning their words, they try to convince you that this is for YOUR own good or out of concern and they are only trying to help you out, BUT they never help, and they only make you more wrong or HINDER. So again you end up thinking that it is you! Then because it is just words you don’t often define it as abuse! We all make mistakes and do things wrong, but when a person keeps you locked up in a negative pattern that constantly defines you as wrong, always making mistakes, worthless, unlikeable, unlovable, LESS THAN THEM, etc., and you have no way of ever changing this, that is psychological or emotional abuse and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE as it concerns a relationship!
Until you understand this completely and become adept at recognizing the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse you will continue to suffer from it in your life. Be it someone you are in a relationship with, family, friends, a boss, acquaintances and even strangers that behave in ways that are consistently hurtful or careless of your feelings THEY ARE ABUSIVE. You will allow and internalize other people’s abusive judgements of yourself and even become that description of you until you discover how to identify them and get rid of them by getting them out of your life once and for all. You will confuse abuse with ‘being realistic’ as it concerns your reality. If you assign or internalize these negative messages from abusive people that PRETEND they care, you will believe that you are damaged and it will hinder and disable your life. You will begin to believe that your happiness or success in life is defined through these distorted people AND those negative messages will become internalized and find a home in your head and heart.
Realize that only you hold the power and you are the only person who has power over yourself. As simple as this sounds after being in a horrendous and abusive relationship, it is just the truth. YOU must STOP the abuser and take their power away. You must become confident in the fact that YOU are good enough and even amazing. You have to realize that you have been subjected to the abusive behaviors of a seriously disordered person PERIOD. One reason why you have been subjected to emotional and psychological abuse is that you have handed your power over to this person. Be it fear, manipulation, or whatever tactic this person exerted over you can also be broken by you. You have recognized the truth of your situation, so now you can move forward into a healthy place to heal.
The time will come when you will know that enough is enough and refuse to be held hostage by the mental torture and you will WANT to move on AND possibly the reason why you are here today. It is completely possible to overcome psychological and emotional abuse and regain the confidence and control that you may have lost to an abusive partner. By protecting ourselves from being manipulated at the emotional level, we are able to free ourselves once and for all from the dehumanization and violation of our free will. It will also shift your consciousness from the state of fear and intimidation which is a byproduct of the abuse imposed on us by these emotional manipulators and vampires. THEN we can shift away from any debilitating mind state – call it deprograming, or desensitizing the negative messages or the abuse but it HAS to be done by completely breaking the bond with them.
You must lock up those doors that allow negative people to get at your real goodness. It means change, but it doesn’t mean changing the person you ARE, it means adjusting boundaries and healing weak spots that exist deep down inside of you. This is understanding and accepting that this horrible abuse has happened into your life and getting past it and to your healing. Your abuser is a lost cause and destructive to you. Leave them behind, and don’t put your energy into helping or healing THEM because they are what made you unhealthy in a manner that is a crime. What you invested in them is just a huge loss, so you have to accept that so that you will reinvest in YOUR own future. You can’t possibly get into their head to understand what they are and what they do – BUT they are quite adept at getting back into your head and starting the abuse right back up. So remove the coefficient that damaged you or the abusive person and replace them with positive healing and healthy thoughts and people. Recreate your boundaries to protect yourself from these negative and destructive people. No/minimal contact is where you start!
An important note: The Narcissist is never going to give up their secrets or that they are disordered. It is up to the targets/victims to define this abuse with their voices and knowledge to bring about awareness and viable help to other victims of this abuse. The Narcissist would only provide lies and manipulate if they were ever in a position to have to define their actions. So it is up to us to define it through our experiences and share them with the world. This will enable therapists and the behavioral sciences to understand the debilitating aspects of this abuse and help them treat the real trauma from this abuse and not just symptoms.
This is exactly what I have been trying to incorporate into my daily life. It takes some practice and some days it’s easier than others. It’s just that life is so friggin short and I want all my family and friends to know how much they mean to me. This includes my blogging friends who have shown me the most amazing love and support these last 9 months. Thanks you so very much for making my life so much richer! I love you and have a wonderful weekend. Hugs xoxo!
Tomorrow is never promised. So today… I want all my friends and family to know how thankful I am that all of you are in my life.
I don’t really remember how it all started. I just started getting shooting pain in my leg, off and on. Then my knee started giving out from underneath me. When it didn’t go away a few weeks later, I told my Mom and she took me to the orthopedist (who was pretty much on speed dial since all 3 of us played a lot of sports lol). After the Orthopedist (not the nice Dr. that set my arm when I broke it at my 3rd grade sleepover but his associate) took some x-rays and examined me, he told us that everything was fine and it was probably growing pains. Well it didn’t get better, the pain got worse, so we went back. This time he was angry and said, “There is nothing wrong with your daughter, it’s in her head. Maybe she doesn’t want to go to school.”
My Mom was never one of those Mom’s that was gullible enough to think we didn’t lie our asses off sometimes, as all kids do from time to time. Fortunately for me, she ALWAYS believed us when it was something big. She ripped that arrogant prick a new asshole, all with a smile on her face. When we left, his jaw was on the floor in shock.
Then we took a trip to the local children’s hospital where they did a bone scan. Well the tumor lit up like a christmas tree. They said that it doesn’t always show up on an x-ray. They got us an appointment 2 days later at Memorial Sloane Kettering Cancer Center in NYC. So we walk in and EVERYTHING says cancer this and cancer that. I’m 12 and NO ONE has mentioned cancer. We get in the elevator and I start yelling “Cancer? Fuckin cancer? How could you not tell me I have fuckin cancer!?! I knew something was wrong.” They just let me curse and yell until we got to our floor. Then my Mom hugged me and said, “Are you done? Sweetie we do not know if it’s cancer or not yet. Yes, we should have prepared you better but we’re freaked out too.” The doctors ran more tests and scheduled a biopsy for a few days later.
As I was only 3 months away from being a teenager, I had assured my Mom that she didn’t have to stay with me in the hospital. She packed a nightgown just in case. I never let the poor woman leave the hospital the whole week I was there lol.
The reason they had done everything so quickly was because the tests had indicated the cancer had spread. In fact instead of a simple biopsy, they ended up taking out the whole tumor and a large part of my tibia along with it. I couldn’t walk for 9 months. There was so little bone left and I was still growing. If I had put pressure on it, it would have shattered and that leg would’ve been shorter than the other. Considering I grew 4 more inches (I’m 5’8), that would’ve really sucked lol.
As they suspected, the tumor was malignant. But after they reran the tests, miraculously the other tumors seemed to have vanished. About 8 of some of the best doctors in the world all suddenly just stared at me, my parents and the test results. They could find no logical explanation for what they were seeing. My Mom just smiled and cried. My Dad cracked a joke and we all laughed.
I was released from the hospital on Christmas Eve. My family always says it was the best Christmas gift anyone ever got. I was given one round of chemotherapy and I never even lost my hair. While I healed, they continued to study me for as long as my parents and I allowed them. Then they sent my case file to the Mayo Clinic for the unexplained medical phenomena. I have a case number and everything.
If you ask me what I remember most? It was how much fun all of us kids had, racing up and down the halls in wheelchairs, with IV poles, etc. Up in the children’s ward, they let us get away with a LOT lol. After my surgery, they asked my parents if they could move me to a regular room as a 9 month old with Leukemia had just been admitted. My parents said of course. I also remember that I was ecstatic because I ended up being given double the presents!The adult loot (Estee Lauder, Lenox, Chanel, etc.) and the kids loot (Playstation, Videos, games, etc . What kid doesn’t just LOVE presents?!?!? LOL I wonder if corporate sponsors still do that today. That put a lot of smiles on a lot of sick kids’ faces.
Every year til I turned 18, my Dad and I would go back in to the city to attend the annual Holiday Party. I had to get checkups anyway, so we would bring presents and hang out for a few hours. It was always such a great time.
It might sound strange but ever since then I have never been afraid of death. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t actively seek it out or anything, I just don’t fear dying as some people do.
reblogged from https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com
“You have been working your way up to this day for a very long time and just when you think you are finally ready and determined to leave because you know that you HAVE to get out of this relationship, the Narcissist in your life starts manipulating your emotions and turning them upside down and every which way with guilt, intimidation and even fear tactics! OR on the other end of the spectrum looks you in the eyes and tells you the exact words you have been waiting to hear – “I love you so much, I will do anything to change, and save us or I love you more than life itself!” There it is again that dizzying ride on that Narcissist’s roller coaster and you just can’t get off! You thought you were at the point of ‘enough is enough’ but before you know it the Narcissist has found a way to push your buttons in a manner to hook you back in again. Whether they say they love you or imply that they don’t like you (hate you) because you are everything wrong in this relationship, you are still right there with them and just trying to get it right with them SOMEHOW!
The real truth here is the simple fact that this Narcissist has kept you in this conditioned ‘limbo’ for a long time because you serve a function or a need along with many ‘other’ sources (people) that you were not always aware about. They have purposely managed you down to be like this and it is purely control, sadistic and a horrendous betrayal of your love and reality. This Narcissist used that big love bomb or charm to ‘get’ you hooked into their scheme until they no longer could keep the façade up and got what they came for! Bonding or real love is not something they are familiar with or understand within the same realm that we do but they know how to use it as a tool to pull you into their schemes. That charm or love was a decoy so they could tap into your resources or of course use you as supply. Because they don’t know love or bonding that old saying of ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ is written in stone with them – or again they can’t keep up the charade because the monster inside of them lives so close to the surface and always makes its way out. BUT again it serves the purpose until they get you hooked into their agenda!
Real caring and love will naturally grow between two normal people that are on the same page, but there never was any sort of growth in this relationship because it was all a terrible hoax, con job, farce or whatever words describes a dysfunctional predator looking for prey to feed it’s many needs! Those words are not very pleasing to see in writing but getting to the real truth will set you into a direction of healing and recovery. Sure it seemed like love but ask yourself right now if you believe that it was the real thing! It was the real thing to YOU, but that is what this Narcissist was counting on and using to keep you connected to them. This is why it is so readily described as a big CON job.
The Narcissist will find every way to keep you connected until THEY ARE DONE WITH YOU and not because they care, love you, or anything real that equates to any type of a cohesive relationship. It is a one sided take and take more relationship with them. The Narcissist knows all of your soft or blind spots intimately because she/he has been intensely studying and monitoring and projecting it back onto you so you SEEM to have so much in common. Then they disable your self-esteem and basically control you to stay until they are done with you because you offer a viable source of supply to them. How did they unlock all of that stuff – through that amazing love and through your emotions that made you feel like you could TRUST them. After all a Narcissist is ALWAYS a predator and you are the prey, or the source of Narcissistic supply. The Narcissist loves to know that you are enmeshed in her/his web and will remain there accepting their copious amounts of abuse, and knows exactly how to ensure this just like she/he knew how to trap you into loving them. Once you break free the Narcissist will show you the real monster that resides within and step up their game to try to annihilate your integrity and make you out to be the hideous and sick monster that they really are. After all they are completely entitled to abuse people because in their delusional way of thinking they are always the victim and entitled to whatever they want no matter what they do to get it.
Because of the negative conditioning you are basically addicted to trying to fix the wrongs and by doing so you have been conditioned to accept the blame with the very unfortunate consequence of being hooked into the abuse too! No matter how much you logically know you need to get away, every single cell in your body is addicted to the Narcissist in frightening and destructive ways. Their love was ABUSIVE from the very first day you met them and because it was built on a sadistic agenda of lies to pull you into their harem of supply. This is not love and you realistically know this underneath all of the confusion, this is desperate love or a trauma bond that attaches you to this frightening creature that keeps you captivated with their sadistic tricks and games so they can keep you as a source of supply until THEY are done with you. This is a horrendous situation that you NEED to escape from in order to heal from the damage that was inflicted on you. This is not your fault, this is somebody that is an emotional and psychological vampire that needs your attention, admiration, and more than likely some of your material worth as well! Today I can see this so clearly and only wish I had this information available to me at the time, but I didn’t and I fell prey to the psychological manipulation, lies, and isolation that locked me up in this bizarre world with a Narcissist!
After the many years of being conditioned and walking on eggshells trying not to upset your Narcissist you have completely lost yourself in all of this manipulation, control, confusion and emotional distress or the basic brain-washing to believe in this person. Each and every day was/is about surviving another day and not upsetting them and trying to get back to what you BELIEVED was a real or a cohesive relationship because of the seductive love bombing and charm that trapped you into this hideous cycle of abuse AND avoiding the pain they inflicted onto and into you. Take a quick look back and ask yourself how many years you have lost being in this cycle of back and forth arguments, blame, lies, and the conditioning that managed you down into a place of desperation? Now ask yourself if any of it has ever been resolved (the crazy arguments from nowhere) or is it the same exact cycle where you end up ALWAYS being blamed, punished, feeling helpless, vulnerable and WORTHLESS?
If your Narcissist is gone have they jumped right into another relationship and left you right there with all of the destruction without any sort of closure. Did they try to resolve any aspect of ‘what was wrong’ besides blaming you and possibly bragging about their new and amazing love? How could they move right on after being in such a terrible relationship with us? Here is the REAL truth – you could never please them and it would never get any better with them, nor could you heal them or make them see what they are doing, and they already had their next source of supply lined up – this is what they do in every relationship! If they left you it is because you were too smart for them and saw through their lies and they knew it as well as the fact that you were no longer a viable source of supply! We are just one of many objects to them and NO BIG DEAL because they ALWAYS find a new source of supply – that is their pattern and you will hear this many times over from other targets/victims! What does that say and what does that make us? NOTHING but another person that was objectified by this personality disordered person! YES this is a personality disordered person that does NOT share the same reality as we do. You were manipulated and conditioned into this subservient role!
What is their reality —– THIS! They are fundamentally compelled from deep within to deny and conceal all of their deficits or weaknesses through their self-made image. They consistently and habitually redirect any negative thoughts or appraisal of themselves outward, unconsciously believing that in doing so they will forever keep their deepest suspicions about themselves at bay and guarded. Getting anywhere close to confronting their darkness OR their innermost core scares them to death and they will defend their façade with a ferocious attack on anybody that threatens it or questions it. They can NOT face the truth about themselves so they defer to this amazing but FALSE self – but yet they act out in destructive ways that harm good people because the false self can’t even come close to reality so they have to extort (con people) through faked emotions and love until they are satiated. Their emotional resources are nonexistent and their time is completely used up maintaining this façade and supplementing the happiness they lack through fleeting encounters of securing all kinds of supply that includes a 24/7 source. Everyone is objectified to support this amazing Narcissistic façade that is non-existent and lacks real emotions. We are dealing with a facsimile of a person and a gross imitation of life that is meant to fool us in order for them to achieve their self-serving needs. It reminds me of a movie about aliens that landed on our planet and took over the bodies of other human beings so that the aliens could take what they needed from our planet by disguising themselves as one of us.
What is basically recognized by the behavioral sciences is that Narcissists totally and fundamentally lack self-insight, and that is putting it lightly! The truth is that they defer to this ‘false self’ by disassociating from their defective real self so that they never come to terms with the grotesque self that they loathe. Consequently they only have access to knowledge that they create (or basically imitate) that supports and becomes their false self and it works for them, but there is no such thing as empathy or emotions in that made up reality of theirs. Somehow they know exactly what they need to make up for the deficit to fit in. That to me is amazing enough proof to say that they DO KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG because they use what they need to get what they need – as well as the fact that they protect their façade fiercely because they know they are one huge lie. So with all of that in mind, they have to keep the mechanics of it constantly oiled, in motion, and well maintained to avoid stalling out and seeing the defective parts! They accomplish this with blaming, shaming and projecting those ugly parts onto us. Wow that is a whole lot of work to maintain an image – but that is the point here – they have to maintain this image to survive so it is an all-encompassing job for them. They also have the keen ability to compartmentalize each and every source of supply to keep their lies where they belong – never shall any supply source meet another!
Now as far as us, we are only supplemental players and the suppliers in their world and they need us to make it all work BUT there is never a real attachment to us or anything but fulfilling their needs. Their rigid and unyielding defense mechanisms can be seen as more or less defining their whole personality and everything else that seems like real emotions is purely manipulation to support that facade and draw supply into their delusional world. This is the only way for them to feel good about themselves and feel safe in a world that they have alienated and disassociated themselves from. They accomplish this by invalidating, devaluing, denigrating, and discarding others – sort of like a ritual to them just like they discarded their own self in favor of something better or the saintly façade in their case that they created. They have to feed the monster constantly to stay afloat so they can only focus on others flaws whether or not they really exist, rather than acknowledge, and come to terms with, their own deep flaws. They don’t have interpersonal boundaries whatsoever! I have heard this many times over and it rings true with Narcissists – ‘they can’t tell where they end and the other person begins.’ They view others as “extensions” of themselves, they regard them as existing primarily to serve their own needs, and they routinely put their needs before everyone else – even their own children and family.
All people are regarded as Narcissistic supply or suppliers to keep the Narcissistic machine running. We only exist to cater to all of their personal desires. We are not regarded as an individual with needs, instead we each have an independent role that is designed around how they might use us to their own advantage. Whatever a Narcissist seeks out to give themselves, they generally expect to get it from others instead of earning it – this is just part of the self-entitlement dimension that defines them as the perpetual victim. They are basic extortionists!
Just in their normal day to day conversations their flimsy or non-existent boundaries are so very apparent. Their undeveloped interpersonal skills and LACK of these boundaries compel them to dominate conversations, but somehow with charm and savvy that draw people to them. They seem powerful with their convictions and even very sure of themselves sharing intimate details about their life and even disclosing facts others would be more apt to withhold or be too embarrassed or humiliated to admit to. But they have no sense of shame, much less a filter or any restrictions to other people’s boundaries. But again there is no mechanism that registers right from wrong in their minds – that was deactivated when they gave up their real self – they truly are one huge void that is filled with LEARNED behaviors from observing us.
This is the hardest thing for most victims to come to terms with. Get free and GO WHERE THE REAL LOVE IS!!!
I have dabbled with meditation in the past, but never stuck with it until recently. It’s kind of amazing how it can change your whole mindset. Like yesterday, I was feeling a little sad after spending the weekend going through my Mother-in-law’s closets to get ready for the huge Estate Sale we are having next weekend. Sometimes I still can’t believe that she’s really gone.
After we got home, I just felt a little depressed and exhausted. So I did 2 guided meditations that I found on youtube. Each was about 20-25 minutes and the result was amazing and immediate. I felt happy, centered and so grateful for all the good that I have in my life. There was so much light and love, and it was all coming from inside me. I was actually kind of shocked that I got so much out of it.
Years ago, I used to laugh at my friends that are into meditation, yoga, etc. I knew it was a good thing but I don’t think I had any clue how life-changing it can be. I took a mediation class about 10 years ago but didn’t really get that much out of it. I don’t know what changed. But last night, I put my headphones on and just really got into a zone. I honestly cannot believe how much better it made me feel.
This morning I woke up still feeling so grateful for all my blessings and all the wonderful people I have in my life. For all the family and friends that actually want to be in my life and go out of their way to show me how much they care.
I was heartbroken, traumatized and angry for so long. And you know what? I had every right to be. I couldn’t understand how someone could say they love you with all their heart and soul one day, that you were the only woman in the world for them and then dump you in an email and put your love in a box!!!!! It was extremely traumatic to have the man you love completely turn his back on you. I’ve never experienced that trauma and abandonment before and I know I never will. Thankfully, now I rarely think of him and I’m glad.
I do know he has read my blog once or twice over the last few weeks. I honestly think he reads my posts but he also reads the articles on narcissism and addiction to narcissistic abuse. It feels a little creepy, but since I don’t plan on mentioning him again after December, I don’t see it becoming a problem. I wish him well but he is no longer part of my life or my future. All this time I felt like he didn’t choose me. And that deeply hurt my heart. But actually he didn’t choose love, joy, sex and happiness. And finally after almost 11 months? Now I no longer choose him.
“We shouldn’t cross the river for a person who doesn’t want to cross a puddle for us.” Doesn’t that just kind of say it all? LOL
Today I found a nearby yoga class that starts in January. I can register for it the first week in November. I’m really looking forward to it.
I’m on a journey and I’m going where the love and great sex is! ♡♡♡
Such a great post!
My grandmother always told me
“don’t cry for the sun after sunset. With tears in your eyes you will not be able to enjoy the beauty of the moon and stars. ”
Lately, I have seen many of my friends crying over their breakups; loosing someone you love is hard and its even harder to see him or her with someone else.
We need to remember, that we can’t loose someone we never had. Only one thing is permanent in this world and that is “change”. Truly, it’s better to accept the change and be part of the change. When I was growing up my grandfather advised me in a funny way, he said Yaz, don’t you ever worry if you ever miss the girl or the bus because the next one is on its way.
During the time Prophet Noah was building his arc, Noah’s son asked, is this…
View original post 1,233 more words
Conflicts are normal, but different communication styles can make fights worse!
In families, friendships, and relationships of every sort, disagreements and conflicts are bound to occur (even when those relationships are healthy). The workplace and family environments in particular can be hotbeds for strife as power dynamics in those spaces often position others to make choices that affect you without your input. Although well-handled conflict can teach us a lot (how to gain a new perspective or boundaries about what we’d like to avoid), how well someone manages the rift in the moment (by talking it through or refusing to talk at all) has serious ramifications for all involved.
As a life coach, I often hear stories of people struggling to relate with loved ones, co-workers, etc. — anyone who communicates differently than they do. My first step to help clients keep their valued relationships healthy is providing them with this basic breakdown about how each person in the conflict might perceive things:
The Talk-It-Out Person:
Are you a talk-it-out person? If so, you may feel the need to clear the air or maybe to apologize or perhaps you simply want to feel heard and acknowledged. To you, stuffing feelings is a recipe for disaster and you know a healthy conversation can create an even stronger bond. It’s highly frustrating to want to communicate with someone who completely shuts you out and opts for the silent treatment rather than a respectful discussion.
You may wonder what you did wrong or why the other person is being so “mean” about it. When someone like you is given the silent treatment, even small conflicts can escalate because while the other person isn’t having a conversation about the problem, your brain is! Your mind torments you, creating possible scenarios that assume what the other person must be thinking or what you did wrong to make them clam-up. You may talk to friends about the situation to get their opinion (because you genuinely need to talk to someone). And whether your friend agrees with you or not, the conflict grows bigger simply because of the thoughts and emotional energy swirling around inside you without resolution.
You probably feel hurt or disregarded. You may fear the negative impact the conflict will have on your relationship as a whole. After all, how can you keep your family or relationship happy if there’s an elephant in the room that’s not being acknowledged? The silent treatment is damaging to you because it infiltrates your self-confidence (one of three components of self-esteem). When you begin to doubt your relationship with a family member, partner or coworker, you begin to doubt yourself whether you realize it or not.
The silent treatment causing you to think and feel worse about yourself feels like mental andemotional abuse. But that person who cares about or loves you may not mean to hurt you at all. He or she may think by avoiding a big conversation and just letting it go, you can both move on. They see dwelling on the situation as more damaging. As a result, the conflict feels like a pebble to one person and a boulder to another, but the relationship will suffer without resolution.
As the talk-it-out person, you may feel disengaged and hurt by their silent reaction to conflict, fear grows around the possibility of future conflicts going the same way and you find yourself walking on eggshells around that person. How can that be healthy?
The Silent Treatment Person:
Are you the person who clams up and just wants to let it go during a conflict? You may feel it’s not worth the energy to discuss the disagreement at hand and you certainly don’t want to make matters worse by continuing to disagree. Maybe you had a bad experience in the past where talking it out inspired a breakup or long-standing rift. That would cause anyone to be a little gun-shy when a similar situation rears its head, especially with someone you care about. To you, it just seems like a no-brainer to let bygones be bygones and move on, doesn’t it?
You have no intention of hurting the other person with your silence, and you may simply need some time to think things through before talking about the problem. Some personality types require time to process situations before opening up. Minds like yours want to get it right before they speak up, and you can’t do that if you’re flying by the seat of your pants in a volatile conversation. Not all people get their needs met the same way, but we do all need to have those needs met eventually.
The fact that the person you disagreed with is pressuring you to talk is just making it worse. You wish they would stop and give you some space. Now things escalate and you feel even more uncomfortable about an impending discussion because the small disagreement has now blown up into some huge, emotionally charged event. This can’t turn out well, you think to yourself. Now what do you do?
You feel pushed to do something uncomfortable, and you wonder why someone who cares about you would ask that of you. You begin to doubt yourself and wonder if you’re doing this communication thing all wrong.
Get On The Same Page
We started with a disagreement between two people who react in opposite ways and as a result, we now have a big, emotionally charged situation where both people are feeling disconnected, hurt, fearful, pressured, disrespected, angry, invalidated, and, well, you get the picture. What’s the solution? Here are three important communication tools that I find work best (it’s always smart to have tools in your communication toolbox before you need them). Use these tips to help broker a happy medium for discussing conflict in a way that honors both of your communication styles. Don’t worry, getting on the same page and communicating effectively is much easier than you think:
- Recognize Each Other’s Communication Style: A simple knowledge of personality types helps you more easily identify where the other person is coming from. Once you understand their type, suddenly all of the communication conflicts you’ve ever had with them will make much more sense, like finding the piece that completes a puzzle. A solid understanding of all the various personality types (and their communication styles) is extremely beneficial to all of your relationships and is vital in career and business. Here’s a free, one-page download that will make you relationship savvy in this department in no time.
- Journal/Notepad: Practice journaling your feelings for 4-5 minutes whenever you feel tense, frustrated or any other negative emotion. Regularly taking this brief break to process what’s coming up for you can change your entire mood, life and relationships if you let it. Writing out what you’re feeling, what you think caused it and what, if anything, you can do about it is remarkably clarifying. (Yell into your pillow if it helps but get those emotions out or they will cause physical illness.) Now you have your feelings sorted out and solutions for a healthy discussion. No need to ramble and certainly no need for destructive drama.
- Healthy Communication Technique: Using the correct words in the correct order when discussing conflict will get your point across in a supportive, loving manner, and if that doesn’t feel right, you’re not ready for the discussion yet. Here’s what to say: “When we were __________ and you (did or said) __________, I felt ___________. Did you mean for me to feel _________ ?” You are giving the context of when, where and what happened (clarity), stating a fact of what was said or done (no “you made me feel”), sharing your feelings (no one can argue how you felt but some may try) and asking a yes or no question. You’re not placing blame, you’re simply sharing how you feel based on what happened. The question evokes either a “yes, I’m a creep and meant you to feel bad,” or an apology or explanation.
I’m no longer settling for less than everything. I want a mad, passionate love with my best friend. I want amazing, takes your breath away sex that just keeps getting better and better. And most of all I want a man smart enough to choose me every day and never, ever let me go. He won’t be perfect, just perfect for me. My crazy will fit his crazy. It will be a life full of joy, laughter, happiness, love and support, family, friends and yummy erotic sex.
Reblogged this great post from http://walexmarceva.wordpress.com/
Laws of Give and Take really work and you agreed to be the giver. True friends value you for who you are and not what you do for them. Be giving, be loving, be understanding, but never lose yourself in the process. When you truly know who you are and you do these things you are then able to give the best of yourself to whomever needs it. Sometimes, when people decide to leave you for good, you have to let them. No matter how much you don’t want them to, there are some things that are far beyond our control. And even if you have the strength to fight for them, you have to accept the cold, harsh truth ” that the people you can’t live without, can live without YOU.Don’t allow yourself to wake up with yesterday’s issues troubling your mind. Refuse to live backwards, see everyday as a new chapter. Know who you are and what should be tolerated in order for you to continue to grow. It is very important to give of yourself, but we have to recognize that giving of ourselves for the wrong reasons will only kill our spirit. Without spirit, when you give, your efforts will lack true sincerity and love.