When Letting Go is Hard To Do

This is a great article for all those people who search Letting Go on my blog every day. I think it takes as long as it takes. Which is never fast enough lol. I can honestly say I am on the other side now. It took much longer than I could have ever imagined to come to a place of indifference. But I’m so grateful and happy the pain is gone. I also have faith that someday I will know why it all happened and what it meant. All that matters is I have never been happier! I’m going where the love and great sex are!

When Letting Go is Hard To Do  http://theimperfectgirll.com/2015/10/12/when-letting-go-is-hard-to-do/

Why is it so hard to let go of people that continues to cause you pain?

If you think about it, it’s more painful to hold on, than it is to let go. But time and time again, we find ourselves holding on to toxic relationships, marriages, friendships, even family members, when everything…every clue…every sign is pointing to you LETTING GO and walking away.

The Most Devastating Tactic in the Narcissist’s Tool Kit

A very honest depiction of life on the narcissist’s rollercoaster! From thenarcissistswife.com

Source: The Most Devastating Tactic in the Narcissist’s Tool Kit

On a daily basis, the narcissist provides his victim with endless opportunities for misery, pain, and frustration. From petty defiance and his refusal to meet the basic human needs of his spouse, to blaming his every failure on her and projecting all his garbage onto her… the crazy-making circus of the narcissist is in full swing.

This destructive, not to mention toxic, pattern of behavior makes for endless days of wishing you could simply sprout wings and fly away, or possibly just be lucky enough to slip into some kind of coma, where this never-ending, insufferable bullshit just doesn’t exist. But, alas, these daydreams never come true so, you’re left to deal with the daily onslaught of despair-inducing tactics completely conscious. Bummer.

The one upside is that, after a while, you come to expect the daily misery. Anger, resentment, and depression are absolutely normal for the staus quo. It becomes “just the way life is”. Nothing less. Nothing more. Until… you start to get fed up. Your survival instinct kicks in, and your emotional brain starts to shut down in defense against the constant pain of rejection and disregard. You withdraw from the narcissist. You stop giving him the almighty supply that he needs to survive and, of course, this makes him take notice.

While the narcissist lacks empathy, he does possess a skill called “cold empathy”. This is the ability to read the subtle, nonverbal,  emotional cues of others  of the people around you (like empathy) but, instead of processing the information received in order to establish or maintain a connection with the person you are ‘reading’, the narcissist can only see the emotional cues of others as it relates himself. This ‘cold empathy’ helps the narcissist to determine which of his nasty tactics. he ought to be using in any given situation, to try and exert the greatest amount of control.

His cold empathy skill alerts the narcissist to the fact that you’re fed up and shut down, long before you’ve even realized for sure that that is, in fact, what’s going on with you, and he unconsciously acknowledges that drastic measures will have to be taken before he loses his life-giving supply. And so… something strange begins to happen.

You notice that the narcissist is acting – well…nice. He tells a joke, and you laugh with him. He says something insensitive but, before you can even open your mouth to protest, he is sincerely apologizing for his thoughtless comment, and are you ok?  You’re taken aback. Where did THAT comes from?, you wonder. You’re immediately suspicious…as you well should be…but his kindness and new-found sensitivity persist throughout the day.

Something inside of you softens a bit.

If you knew better, you’d run while you still had life in you to do so… but you don’t know any better, so you climb into bed at the end of the day, and instinctively reach for your mate. He wraps you up in his arm and caresses your back, and your shoulders, and your face. You sigh and close your eyes. A small smile playing on your lips. He whispers in your ear, “I’m so sorry…for everything. You’re safe now. I love you.”

For the first time, in you can’t even remember how long, you really, truly, DO  feel safe…

Oh…you poor thing. How I wish I could spare you what is about to come.

The next day, or so, is a whirlwind of love and kindness and romantic moments. You can’t remember ever being this happy before. The narcissist has transformed into the soul mate you’ve longed for your whole life. It seems as though your dreams have all come true, and you’re floating through your days in a heady bliss.

But then, the dark clouds start to gather above, and the narcissist’s facade slips. An insensitive remark, but this time no apology- no understanding. Little by little, over the course of the third day, the narcissist’s loving mask is completely torn away, and you’re face to face with the same malicious, spiteful, and petty man you know all too well.

Your heart splinters, and shatters inside your chest. The pain so acute, you’re sure you’ve possibly collapsed a lung, or are having a heart attack. Every last bit of joy and light is sucked from the world and you’re plunged into a dark void unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. You reach out to the narcissist- show him the tears he’s caused you to cry- but he just turns his back, indifferent to your anguish, and walks away.

There is nothing left for you to do but scream in utter despair. Why? How could he do such a thing? How could anyone play such a cruel trick on another human being? Is he evil?

You try to get angry… you want to rage against the narcissist’s foul trick- just pack your bags and get the hell out. But you’re feeling too hopeless. Trapped. Lifeless.

What’s the point? Everything you loved and held dear was gone now…never even existed in the first place. Why even bother doing anything? And as you resign yourself to life in the dark, by the side of your narcissist, he realizes that his plan was a success. You won’t be leaving him anytime soon. Not as beaten down as you are now.

You’re not going anywhere… you’ll stay right where you are and continue to feed the narcissist his supply, like a good little girl.

In the back of your mind you wonder what the hell happened to you? How did things get this bad? And the answer is…

You’ve been love-bombed.

Caregiver

My Life As a Caregiver

August 27, 2007 will forever be etched into my mind. 

Not only was it my Mom’s 62nd birthday, but I had just found out my Mom had Stage IV Lung Cancer (NSCLC) and of course I was beyond devastated.  She assumed it was stage 3 which can still be cured and was so excited by the news.  The surgeon’s nurse said “Your mom didn’t ask what stage it was so I didn’t tell her.  She will find out soon enough.”  

I called my father and we along with my brothers decided to let the doctors tell her when we went for the next appointment.  It was the hardest few days of my life not being able to share my agony and profound devastation with the one person who always understands, my mom.  From my limited knowledge on the subject I was sure her death was imminent.  We would lose her in a few short months. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that. She was one of my best friends.   

Both of my brothers have kids, but I had just gotten married 2 years before. My husband and I were planning on getting a house and to start having kids that year, cause there wasn’t any rush. All of a sudden, all I could think of was “OMG my children will never know the most amazing woman, mother, wife, grandmother and friend that I’ve ever known!!!” And that was just unacceptable to me. But then I remembered two very important things she and my father always taught us kids. Knowledge is Power and you MUST be your own advocate. She was mine when I was in Sloane Kettering at age 12. 

After experiencing pain and other symptoms (and being told by our orthopedist that it was GROWING PAINS), my parents didn’t just ignore my complaints and eventually we ended up at Sloane Kettering. The doctors at Sloane found a tumor in my tibia bone. They were sure it was bone cancer and all the tests showed it had spread. But when they did a biopsy, they found the tumor and removed it instead. After testing and finding the malignancy hadn’t spread as the previous tests had shown, they were shocked and couldn’t explain how 3 different tests could be wrong. So I am a case at the Mayo Clinic for the Unexplained Medical Phenomena. One thing they were sure of though was that if my Mom hadn’t persisted on my behalf I would have definitely lost my leg if not my life. The only scar I have is about an inch and looks like a shaving scar. Crazy right? 

So I went into researcher mode and found a ton of information through some great books, websites, booklets, articles and support groups.  So when she did find out 4 days later, that her cancer could go into remission but would never be cured, I was ready.  I showed her stories of people with her same illness that now have been living for 5, 10 even 15 years with Stage IV Lung Cancer.  She said the greatest gift I gave her that day was HOPE.  

So when my family and friends, especially my Mom and Dad, told me how amazing I was in helping her, it’s only because she taught me how. And because of the Lung Cancer Alliance support board I remembered that doctors are great and statistics are fine, but doctors don’t know everything and statistics are just numbers. You MUST HAVE FAITH!!!!
 
If you believe you’ll get better and fight for it, I think you can definitely beat the odds for a lot longer than if u just give up.

And also EVERYONE at Memorial Sloane Kettering Cancer Hospital in NYC was so truly helpful throughout everything from her initial diagnosis to even making sure the insurance company pays the bills.  It’s about $10,000 just for each chemo treatment.  Crazy, right??

We thought about going to the Sloane Kettering facility @ one of the Long Island facilities, but heard mixed reviews.  I pulled aside the head nurse of the Chief of Thoracic Surgery at Sloane in NYC and asked her if it was her mom would she trek all the way in to the city or go the easy route and stay closer to home?  She said without a doubt, she’d trek to the city to give her mom the best care with the best specialists.  My parents, brothers and I all agreed and we’d take turns going in whenever possible. My Aunts, Uncles and cousins helped out too.   But for the most part it was me, my amazing hubby and my parents.  

It was tough because she broke her ankle and was in bed with a cast, got shingles, pneumonia and pulmonary embolisms. We almost lost her twice that year. My Dad and I did pretty well most days, but it was hard.  When we got overwhelmed, I tried to remember how my Mom must feel.  She was always so strong and independent.  I cannot fathom how out of control she must have felt.

It really does give you an amazing feeling helping others, especially loved ones.  I finally understand why people donate so much of their time to great causes.  It feels great to give back.  You almost get more out of it than those you help.  

A year since Mom’s diagnosis and Mom was doing great!!! It had been a rough year, but all 3 of her tumors in lungs were GONE!!!! She did have a spot on her liver, so they had put her on Tarceva, which they thought would shrink it. After that it was a runaway train that couldn’t be stopped.

It was a big shock and there was a lot of ups and downs.  But there was also a lot of love and laughter. My Mom has been gone for over 6 years. I am so glad that I had all the time with her that I did. We knew she didn’t have years to live, so we made each day count. I miss her so very much but I’m happy she’s at peace and no longer sick.

I am so lucky to have had her as a Mom. She wasn’t just my heart, she was my best friend. I miss her smell, her adorable little face, her smile and her laughter.

You Deserve

This is brilliant! Really helps me to move on. Hubby is definitely putting in an effort but still no intimacy. While he is 10 times the man Putz could ever hope to be, he’s still not doing everything in his power to keep me in his life. Putz didn’t do anything to keep me in his life, so he can kiss off lol.
We have had a really good time together lately and that gives me hope. Still going where the love and great sex is in 2016!!  

Source: You Deserve

“Don’t settle for someone who wants to be around you one minute but, is always pushing you away the next.When someone wants to be with you, it will show in everything that they do. They will fall in love with putting a smile on your face. They will fall in love with creating memories with you, instead of creating problems. They will have this understanding that, someone like you does not come around often, and they will do everything in their power to keep you in their life. It really is simple. If they love you they will put in the effort.”

Thanksgiving Fun

Oops forgot to post this earlier 🙂
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Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I am so thankful for all my blessings and loved ones. Having said that, as well as being a happy positive person, I’m also a realist so…..

I just read about a great new drinking game. Today every time someone:
1. Rants about Donald Trump
2. Asks u a dumb question like why you’re single or when you’re having kids
3. Talks about another family member
4. Says the word tryptophan
5. Argues white meat vs dark meat
6. Mentions parade floats
7. Or just annoys you at all

TAKE A DRINK N ENJOY!!!! LOL

Freedom

love-quote-for-freedom

love in such a way

I am feeling a lot better about the whole Putz thing. For so long I have felt like he chose her over me. Honestly, I have never felt as unwanted, not good enough, ugly and abandoned in my whole life as I have this past year. As you can imagine, it was pretty terrible and, not to mention, completely ego crushing. Thankfully, I have a healthy self-image and I know I’m pretty and sexy. But it still threw me into a tailspin for a while.

Recently I have realized that he didn’t choose her over me. It’s always upset him whenever I said this because he said it’s just not true. He chose to try to fix what he already had rather than leave and start over. I cannot fault him for marrying such a trashy woman 20 years ago when he was young and idiotic. But now? Knowing all he knows about who she is, what she has done and what she is capable of? I think only a fool would choose to stay with such a selfish, shallow woman who lies and manipulates on such a regular basis. Put aside the shoplifting and giving his sister stolen baby clothes (yeah that sister will NEVER forgive her lol). Even put aside being such a shitty wife and mother. Both his sisters and his Mom have told him she spent years slowly and methodically turning his own family against him for no reason!!!  Who does that?  And what kind of person says ok, I can forgive you for my family treating me like dirt for the last decade? LOL He is sooo far from perfect and has more issues, illnesses and baggage than an airport but he is not knowingly destructive to anyone but himself. Well, him and me. He definitely destroyed my once unwavering faith and belief in him and us. Whatever his reasons and excuses, the fact is that it’s time to close this extremely painful chapter of my life and leave the love I had for him in the past.

I spent all this year missing the man he was, not the man he has become. That is a huge difference. He is now a stranger to me, and not someone I want a relationship with. And that’s perfectly okay. I cannot say that he has been good to me in a very long time. But in all honesty, I have also been less than gracious many, many times this past year (ok fine, I was kind of crazy lol). I was just so unbelievably hurt, angry, sad, lost, betrayed and broken for such a long time and it has taken me this whole year to put myself back together. I have many friends here to thank for that as well as my family and friends. So thank you to all of you for your unending kindness, support, humor, compassion and love. Finding WordPress and starting a blog has truly changed my life for the better.

But at the end of the day, more than anyone, I have to thank my husband. He is an extremely good man and a lovely person. I love him with all my heart and while I still don’t know if we will make it as husband and wife, he will always be my family and nothing can change that.

I just really want to be happy and I am most days. Happiness comes from within and I have always had that. I feel free and I’m grateful for all the many blessings in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I am moving forward, going where the love and great sex is!

“Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Narc Kool Aid Here!”

Source: “Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Narc Kool Aid Here!”

Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Narc Kool Aid Here!”

“Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Kool Aid Here!”

get your kool aid here

Narcissists are ALWAYS HYPING AND SELLING the narc kool aid. Not a breath is ‘wasted’ on other things, like OTHER PEOPLE or events in life…no the narcissist is a living breathing walking PR campaign and self advertisement about just how, well…..”GREAT THEY ARE”.

We thinks thou doth protest just a bit TOO MUCH, narcissist.

Think about this from a normal person’s standpoint for a moment. Do you sell yourself everyday? Do you try to get people to like you? Agree with you? Go to bat for you? Fight your battles? Do you try to convince people that you’re nice? A christian? Loving? A good friend? Or best wife/husband around?

It’s actually exhausting just thinking about living this way. Imagine feeling that you have to be ON 24/7 just to feel “ok”. As a (low maintenance) female, Im lucky if I actually wear makeup once a month.

When our time is spent LIVING life, focusing on happiness and joy, and experiencing connection and contribution, we really don’t have time to SELL OURSELVES.

So let’s think about this. What are they SELLING ANYWAY?

They’re selling us on their IMAGE.
That image is their FALSE SELF. The unreal, imaginary, wishful mask that they dream they could be. If it were genuine, they’d just relax, live, be and let be. But because it’s hype, well they have a pressing need to HYPE it and boy do they. Go to any narcissists social media roll and there in plain sight you’ll see the diatribe of narcissism.

“Here’s me looking really gorgeous in this tight outfit”
“Here’s me in my expensive car, driving to my gala event, the biggest event of the year, who asked ME to be it’s host! Im so thrilled! I love my life!”

“Here are my gorgeous friends and me, just sipping on $500 bottles of champagne”

“Here’s me just laying around naturally (in full makeup) and false eyelashes”
It’s actually very sad to witness, because you get to see how truly empty these people are. How the things they worship are all superficial, worldly, image based symbols of “worth”. Even when they’re posting pictures of themselves at supposed “charity events” or pictures of their kids excelling at something, the message is clear, “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!”

While those of us who are skilled at detecting the attention getting needs and schemes of a personality disordered narcissist, there are many sheep just milling the earth looking for something false to worship and a narcissist looks like a shiny gamble.

Former targets just want to yell to these sheep, “Wake up! It’s a rouse! This isn’t real! This person is NOT who they’re pretending to be. They’re a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They’re a danger.” But these lost souls have been found when a narcissist sweeps them up into their minion fold and gives them a “purpose”: Kool Aid Consumer & Narcissist defender.

The kool aid drinkers don’t listen to wise men. They keep drinking their kool aid, fighting the narcs battles when called upon, and unbeknownst to them, looking foolish and obtuse to the rest of us. It angers targets to see people behave so foolishly.

The narcissist is in desperate need of the kool aid drinkers, for without them, they literally DONT EXIST. A narc needs an audience, fan club, minions, flying monkeys and kool aid drinkers to survive. Without someone telling them how good they are, how giving and loving they are, they would implode in on themselves with shame and self loathing.

That’s the REAL narcissist. Take away the kool aid, and all you have is a person with a mental disorder, who hates themselves, pretends to be somebody good, someone they’re not, who uses and abuses people, including their own families and children and who is so full of themselves and worldly matters that they are hopelessly void of anything good or Godly. The narcissist sells kool aid and is so overly insistent about something about themselves to the point where we realize the opposite is most likely true.

So lets do a comparison. The Narc KOOL AID version of the narcissist and the REAL person:

KOOL AID NARC
CHARMING the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick and verbally facile

REAL NARC   The charm is contrived. The slick and verbal facile ability is actually the ability to flatter others to get what they want. The charm is in this case a means to an end. An agenda. Charm like this, is NOT alluring or attractive, in fact it’s a snare to your future abuse. If you want to avoid this real narc’s scheme, don’t fall for the charm. In fact, let Charm equate to a red flag that this person is TOO SLICK for your good sense.

KOOL AID NARC
Good, Altruistic, Giving, Charitable, Public persona, Christian, etc.

REAL NARC  As a study of good people (those they exploit and will identity thieve) real narcs learn who to mimic and why. They know that good people are trusted, respected and get the rewards of society. Real narcs want to appear as if they’re these people so they spend a great deal of time broadcasting and showcasing (selling) their “good guy” or “saintly girl” image.

Of course, the narc is nothing like the people they pretend to be. They are hypocrites. Painting themselves in a charitable light, while stealing others identities, reputations, ideas, and peace through abuse, scheming, manipulation, power and control is NOTHING charitable good or christian. In fact, those behaviors are on the list of 7 things God Hates.  Yes, God hates narcissism.  But the narcissist gets a lot of kool aid miles out of pretending to be a good person. They wouldn’t even begin to be able to start the process of being a good person because good people have humble hearts. Those who are truly charitable don’t take pictures of themselves and design a big PR campaign around being charitable. God calls that behavior out too in the bible: Give in secret. Don’t make a big show of it.

KOOL AID NARC

The victim. Oh boy do these people LOVE to wear the victim label. All of us who have been truly victimized, can relate to how much we honestly DETEST using the victim label to describe ourselves. Its a reason we use the term TARGET in our community. Not narcissists however, they want to look like the Poor, sorry, victim who nobody understands, everyone picks on even though they’re doing such good work (just look at their timelines), the guy who’s just trying to get along, or the girl who has so many haters (pooooor narcissist). Who in their right minds thinks that other people complaining about how cruel they are would switch it around to being a “hater”? Narcissists that’s who. They are always the center of some triangle or drama (that they created) but can’t take any responsibility for getting themselves there but they’re the first one to take to social media and enlist their flying monkeys on a campaign to slay the messenger (whoever confronted the narcissist honestly about a negative characteristic). They have endless stories about fights in the community, with bosses, with some imaginary enemy that’s persecuting them. Oye.

REAL NARC

The truth is, the REAL narcissist is NO VICTIM AT ALL. They’re the perpetrator dressed in victim clothing. They seek targets. They have agendas. They have impure motives. They use people. They abuse people and when they’re done, they unceremoniously discard people like trash. They slander people. They sic their flying monkeys on detractors and complainers and they sow discord wherever they go. They have a REAL reputation following them, with a target list a mile long, and all those kool aid drinkers don’t have any clue it exists.  The real narc lives in an imaginary fantasy world of “perfect” and have a clueless sheeple fan club to maintain their delusions. People that weren’t hiding anything wouldn’t need to go get their bully gang when anyone insults them. They’d stay strong in who they really are (a firm identity) and behave with character to have an honest conversation about the complaint. The real narc cannot do this! They run! The last time I saw my abuser…that’s what he was doing….RUNNING…in the court hall….away from the group of 30 people who just told the truth about him to a judge. Ill NEVER get that image of cowardliness of the running narcissist out of my mind. That’s what REAL NARCS do…they RUN from those who aren’t drinking the kool aid.

KOOL AID NARC

Loving. A person who appears to be sensitive, soft, vulnerable, insecure, kind, and loving.

REAL NARC

Evil. Im serious about this. Dead serious. The many many things I’ve learned about narcissists unfortunately keep pointing me back to the word that describes them best: EVIL. Why I would call another human being this horrible word is sometimes shocking to me, as I’ve never done that. With a narcissist however, I feel that the bible (my own personal opinion) has given me clear clear guidance as to who a narcissist REALLY is.

First, the narcissist has a hardened heart. They are entirely incapable of feeling connected to another person. 1) they don’t love themselves 2) they don’t possess empathy 3) they use & exploit people as a modus operandi 4) they’re not humble and can’t submit themselves to a higher power 5) they have the characteristics of satan himself

When God kicked satan out of heaven, it was because he wanted to exalt himself (play God) and be equal to God. Whether or not you believe the bible is irrelevant, what remains true is this: a narcissist is grandiose. They believe themselves the ultimate power. If you can’t humble yourself and understand that you aren’t the best thing going in this world, you CAN’T love other people, period.

The narcissist does not possess boundaries. Others have purposes to the narcissist that in their eyes, cause them to exist FOR the narcissist. They are extensions of him. A new “friend” is not a “friend” in the conventional sense of the word to a narcissist, they are a person who is of good USE. The friend may have contacts, look good, or know high status people. The friend may be talented or be a truly good person, but to a narcissist they have a purpose for use. A person who approaches someone with an agenda cannot love them, not even for the use they serve.

The narcissist doesn’t love themselves. In fact, just the opposite, the narc despises themselves. Yes, get past the image, get past the kool aid, a narcissist DOES NOT love themselves. Why? Because they feel ashamed. They know what they do, they know their dark thoughts and deeds and just because they hide them and fool people, their TRUE nature is NOT lost on them, it’s just HIDDEN. When I look at some narcs Ive known, here’s what I see in terms of them loving another:

You think, but they love their kids right? They say it all the time. NO!
1) Their kids are extensions. Mirrors. If the kid is doing great things, the narcissist is pleased at how this makes them look being their parent. Their kids future allows the narcissist to imagine their own immortality. For the narcissist will “live on” through their kids, and their kids and so on.

2) The things that narcissists can do behind their kids backs and to their spouse is evidence that the love doesn’t exist, because how could you purposefully do damage to your children without feeling empathy due to the love you have for them? Many loving parents STOP BAD BEHAVIOR because of their kids. They’ll stop cussing, smoking, having drinks in the house, carousing, etc. Because they don’t want their kids to witness this bad behavior. NOt a narcissist. They’ll keep on sinning, believing delusionally that “it doesn’t affect the kids”. Oh yes, it does, and we’re ALL witness to it narcissist.

When you love yourself, accountability and responsibility are HUGE components. We accept our imperfections, we admit them, we apologize when we hurt others.

They lack a conscience and they lack empathy. Its more important to a narcissist to remain blameless than to admit how deeply wrong they were and how much they hurt others. Not true with a narcissist this, humility is not in their “house of cards” – and thus, they can’t be humble enough to care for others. They remain isolated in their big perfect mess of an identity while blaming and shaming others for this gap.

If you take anything away from this message, PLEASE, when being offered a glass of narcissistic kool aid, JUST SAY NO! 

Will I Always Love Him?

like a cactus

I loved him for over 2 years and even though I had not seen him for 11 very long months,  until recently I loved him still and I do not know why.  How could I have loved a man who had shown over and over how little he loves  and cares for me?  Would God be that cruel as to keep me tethered to someone so undeserving of my love and devotion?  Surely there has to be some reason for all the suffering I have endured loving him.  I just would really like to know what the reason is.

I did not want to love him anymore.  I just wanted to be happy and loved.  I wanted to feel the passion and joy I felt with him again.  I truly thought he was my soulmate and yet he chooses to live without me.  How could I ever have loved such a foolish man? A man who was able to put his love for me in a box and shut it away. Now I’m trying hard not to be ashamed that I loved him at all.

He was so different back then. It’s hard to imagine that someone could change so much in less than a year. But as much as he says he hasn’t, he most definitely has. He’s become much less like me and more like her. He’s colder, distant, less caring and loving. He has walls up to keep me out and now I have lost the desire to break them down. I finally realize I have no choice but to let him stay empty, alone and unloved. It’s what he wants and what he has chosen.

I have no place in his life, so there’s no longer any reason to have contact. He is not the man that I loved, wanted and needed and he never will be again. I know that now and I have finally accepted it.

The part I find pretty hysterical is that because he really has no basis for comparison, as she and I are the only 2 women he’s ever been in love with, he really believes that he can get me back if he wants to! He thinks it would take time and a huge amount of effort so he’s not a complete idiot lol. But he honestly believes that if and when he ever leaves, he can just take my love out of the box he put it in 11 months ago and I will accept him. NO friggin way! I am becoming more and more like my old self everyday, BUT I do not forget how weak and pitiful I had become. Months and months of being treated like a human yo-yo, manipulated and given false hope over and over again made me this sad sap. I was unrecognizable to myself sometimes. It was very scary and I will not be repeating the abuse.

I am so lucky to know love is an amazing gift that is to be treasured and respected. To think of it as a burden or a weakness is not only terribly sad, it’s just wrong. Love is not like a baseball card that you can shove in a shoebox, put in a closet and expect to be able to find when or if you’re ready for it! It’s a living, breathing thing that needs to be taken care of, nurtured and cherished. Otherwise it shrivels up and fades away, like dust in the wind.

So will I always love him? As much as I feared this may be a lifelong curse, thankfully it is NOT!  HELL NO!! I am no longer in love with him and I am really happy about it. It was happening gradually over time and with healing. But when he did certain unforgivable things and then proceeded to manipulate me to ease his own suffering when I blocked him from my life? Then I knew he was too selfish and self-absorbed to worry about anyone other than himself and his family.  He is no longer the same man, so loving him is no longer possible.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! Go where the love and great sex is!!!

Your life actually becomes better because of the contrast you experience

Photo post by @joypassiondesir.

Source: Your life actually becomes better because of the contrast you experience

Ok, how much did I need to read this today?? LOL Obviously I’ve been mentally bashing myself a bit for being such a lovesick idiot for way too long.

Then I saw this! It never ceases to excite and amaze me how wonderful and the world is! If you look close enough and pay attention, everything you need will come to pass. All is as it should be. Have faith and enjoy the miraculous journey that is life.

Wednesday Wisdom

what you deserve

Never chase love

Why was I always so 100% sure we were meant to be together?  I mean like more sure than I have ever been about anything in my whole life sure.  Now I’m a bit scared and freaked out that I could have been so completely wrong about someone.  I do know I should have cut off all contact last November when we broke up.  He has never once chosen me (he says he did in June before his son threatened suicide when they announced they were separating and he got sucked back in but that’s crap).  He is actually waiting for the narcissist to tell him she doesn’t love him so he can leave!!  Yeah, he’s gonna be waiting a LONG LONG time lol. Some people are just more comfortable being treated like crap and he is one of them.

Most women, myself included, need to know they are #1 in the heart of the man they love to feel happy and secure in the relationship.  After choosing to stay with her over and over and over, he could never possibly hope to make me ever believe that.  And I am too good a woman to ever come second to a lying, manipulative,  shoplifting, crazy narcissistic piece of trash like her.  He’s a blind fool and I am finally starting to believe they truly do deserve one another lol.

Monday Quote

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Life is too short to waste on people who are too scared and damaged to keep you in their life. I must remember NEVER to make a priority of anyone who makes me an option. I definitely believe that everything happens for a reason. But I will be damned if I know why I cared so much for someone who proved himself to be worth so little.

How could I have loved such a totally clueless fool? LOL  I get love being blind, but is it deaf and dumb as well???  I know everyone is probably as sick of hearing about all this as I am of feeling like such an idiot.  But I would implore you for your patience and support for just a short while. I am sorting through all that has happened and then I promise you will not have to hear anything more about Putz (yes I thought it was a fitting name). Then I will forget about him and never let him bother me again. I love hard and true, but when I am done? I’m done and there is no going back.  That is just who I am.

Sorry I am not yet back to my positive, happy self but at least it’s real n honest. I think that’s always better than being fake.

How your emotions try to tell you that you’re abused!

If this is happening to you, please get help.

FreeFromNarcissist

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If you are abused, there are probably signs all over you, telling you about the emotional abuse you are/were experiencing. But maybe you are in denial, or simply too tired, to hear it. That’s why LifeInAshes compiled a little list for you! These can be signs that you are in fact emotionally abused, and not “only having a down period in your relationship”. (For signs in your partner that they’re a narcissist, see previous posts).

1)You find it increasingly hard to trust your own judgement.(Cause of gaslighting and other manipulations). When your partner insists something is/isn’t a certain way, you doubt if you are right, or if he is. This can also affect your every day choices, you become less decisive than before.

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2)You are, most days, weighed down by an incredible heaviness, or sadness.You find yourself feeling low/depressed, without any apparent cause. You suspect it’s…

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Sick

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He almost fooled me again. But in the end, she was right. As sick and vulgar as it is, he IS her bitch and will probably never leave her. So now he deserves all the misery and unhappiness she will cause.

I will never let him anywhere near me again. I have wasted more than enough time, affection and tears on that selfish sick fool. He is dead to me and I don’t care what happens to him now.

After kicking her out of the bedroom, telling her he wants a separation and hiring an attorney, she said she doesn’t want that and she wouldn’t call the attorney/ mediator. Then she said she has a mental problem and will get help. Yeah right! Lol Just like she said she wanted to go to marriage counseling a year ago n went a few times. He went by himself all year to a really nice but completely clueless therapist whose advice made him more addicted to her and told him to do whatever makes her happy!!!! After 10 months, he finally diagnosed her as a narcissist but has no experience with narcissistic personality or abuse.

I’m sure you can guess what happened next. HE TOOK HER BACK! And after 3 1/2 years without sex with her and a year since me, he finally got to have sex with his narcissist. The pathetic part is he needed a viagra to do it lol. This was the final straw for me. The viagra shows he planned it and for me that’s completely unforgivable. He said he feels so bad, like a total slime. Yeah and?

He also told me he has this sick perverted fantasy of watching her and the other guy have sex!!!! Words cannot describe what a depraved, twisted sicko he has become. He said he knows it’s sick and obviously connected to the years of accepting her abuse. She’s definitely still having an affair. She screwed the guy in a hotel she paid for last week! All this dysfunction, perversion and toxic behavior has me needing another shower to wash the filth off.

When she stops being sweet and goes back to her cruel narcissistic self? He cannot contact me. I have blocked him everywhere. Cell, home, text, email, FB, Instagram, even Pinterest lol. I have no desire to ever see or speak to him again.

I finally realize that he has spent the last year kissing her ass, working out, getting tan, and turning himself into the perfect partner for a narcissist. And she ridiculed him for trying to please her. He is now as fake, superficial and morally bankrupt as is the lying, shoplifting, empty hole he sleeps with.

At least the pathetic n neverending saga of P and I is finally over.

Is It Love?

I’ve been thinking a lot about love. What is love? Why do so many people allow themselves to be abused in the name of the almighty LOVE? I think many of us forget to love ourselves. But there are also those that only love themselves lol. I guess it’s all about finding a balance.

I do know that when we are guided by love, we do not behave in ways that cause feelings of shame for ourselves or others. Loving actions do not lead to secrecy or hiding. Rather, loving actions are those that we can share with the world without guilt or shame.

When we are loving, we are not sarcastic or shaming under the guise of joking. We don’t take pleasure in hurting those we love. And we certainly do not ridicule them to make ourselves feel better.

We are not passive. We take caring action for the good of ourselves and others. But we love ourselves enough to let go of what and whom no longer serves our journey. Letting go with love, kindness and forgiveness eventually leads to acceptance, peace and happiness.

We do not sit by and watch abuse, hoping someone else will attend to it. We stand up and fight abusers and bullies!

The feeling of love is not generated within our own body. Rather, it is a gift of Spirit that enters our heart when our heart is open to learning and loving — and learning about loving. For me meditating helps me feel this gift and for that I am grateful.

We cannot feel love in our heart when our heart is closed. We feel love when we open up to learning with our higher selves about what it truly means to love ourselves and others. And we learn the happiness n joy we seek was inside us all along.

My heart has finally healed. It was closed for a while, but now it is open n ready for a new journey. 2016 will be the year of love and lots of great sex!

The Power of Illusion

This is such a powerful post! I’m glad I’m not the only one who realizes how truly evil a person like this is. I got chills reading this.

Knowing the Narcissist

th06LBQLJQYou fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet…

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