I am feeling a lot better about the whole Putz thing. For so long I have felt like he chose her over me. Honestly, I have never felt as unwanted, not good enough, ugly and abandoned in my whole life as I have this past year. As you can imagine, it was pretty terrible and, not to mention, completely ego crushing. Thankfully, I have a healthy self-image and I know I’m pretty and sexy. But it still threw me into a tailspin for a while.
Recently I have realized that he didn’t choose her over me. It’s always upset him whenever I said this because he said it’s just not true. He chose to try to fix what he already had rather than leave and start over. I cannot fault him for marrying such a trashy woman 20 years ago when he was young and idiotic. But now? Knowing all he knows about who she is, what she has done and what she is capable of? I think only a fool would choose to stay with such a selfish, shallow woman who lies and manipulates on such a regular basis. Put aside the shoplifting and giving his sister stolen baby clothes (yeah that sister will NEVER forgive her lol). Even put aside being such a shitty wife and mother. Both his sisters and his Mom have told him she spent years slowly and methodically turning his own family against him for no reason!!! Who does that? And what kind of person says ok, I can forgive you for my family treating me like dirt for the last decade? LOL He is sooo far from perfect and has more issues, illnesses and baggage than an airport but he is not knowingly destructive to anyone but himself. Well, him and me. He definitely destroyed my once unwavering faith and belief in him and us. Whatever his reasons and excuses, the fact is that it’s time to close this extremely painful chapter of my life and leave the love I had for him in the past.
I spent all this year missing the man he was, not the man he has become. That is a huge difference. He is now a stranger to me, and not someone I want a relationship with. And that’s perfectly okay. I cannot say that he has been good to me in a very long time. But in all honesty, I have also been less than gracious many, many times this past year (ok fine, I was kind of crazy lol). I was just so unbelievably hurt, angry, sad, lost, betrayed and broken for such a long time and it has taken me this whole year to put myself back together. I have many friends here to thank for that as well as my family and friends. So thank you to all of you for your unending kindness, support, humor, compassion and love. Finding WordPress and starting a blog has truly changed my life for the better.
But at the end of the day, more than anyone, I have to thank my husband. He is an extremely good man and a lovely person. I love him with all my heart and while I still don’t know if we will make it as husband and wife, he will always be my family and nothing can change that.
I just really want to be happy and I am most days. Happiness comes from within and I have always had that. I feel free and I’m grateful for all the many blessings in my life.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am moving forward, going where the love and great sex is!