Yikes!

Ok this search term on my blog definitely warranted a post.

“Husband begging me to let him have sex with my best friend. “

You cannot make this stuff up! How can women have so little self-respect that this is even an option? Honestly, if my husband was begging me to have sex with another woman? Well after he woke up from his coma? He’d be served with divorce papers. I guess that’s why he didn’t ask before he cheated. 

I’m sad that we have gotten so far from love, respect and fidelity that this is ok. Maybe I’m a little cranky from my own lack of sex but it just seems greedy to me. Am I wrong?

Letting Go of Toxic Relationships-Part 2

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http://relationshipfree.com/all-about-toxic-relationships-and-how-to-let-go/

By Sarah Webb

So how do you move on?

1. Be honest with yourself
Allow yourself to be entirely disgusted with this person for treating you the way they have. Cry – trust me, you will cry A LOT! Don’t blame yourself – you’ve been through enough pain now and you’re probably feeling quite exhausted. Tell yourself that you’re leaving for your own wellbeing – in order to truly love yourself, realise that self-preservation means severing these ties.

2. Prepare to become super-human
You won’t eat, you won’t sleep, you may take time off work to deal with things, you’ll cry yourself into a world of dehydration. There’s nothing you can do about any of this except ride it out until it’s over with.

3. If you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about it
Stop contacting them COMPLETELY. Cut them off. Do not enable them to contact you again. Block them out of your life completely. Do whatever you have to do. I know I shouldn’t encourage you to fight fire with fire, but sometimes, particularly when we’re hurting, if you do it respectfully it can bring us a sense of power. So, if you can’t be blunt to them about it or you’re having trouble ending it, then turn it around and push it until you have manipulated them into saying it. If they’re toxic and intentionally hurting you, trust me, it won’t take long until they make the threat – and then go with it, stick with it and don’t look back. Hit that accelerator and go go go!

4. DO NOT worry about their feelings
Toxic people don’t have feelings! Well … they do, but as far as you’re concerned from now, they don’t! Consider them narcissists, which means they don’t have feelings, but they will pretend they do, if that helps. Think about how long they’ve overlooked your feelings. So, trust me – just tell yourself they don’t! Why? Because it’s when we consider their feelings that we continue our self-doubt and we start to go back. If you find yourself with any level of concern for someone who is hurting you, stop yourself right there and tell yourself that you deserve better than your current circumstances. Trust the universe to lead you to a better reality – it may mean sitting with the pain for some time, but it will be worth it. Anything is better than going back and suffering at the hands of the toxic relationship again. In fact, I read a quote recently that said: “Sometimes giving a person a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time” … what about once you have given them a hundred chances? Trust me, if you haven’t made this mistake yourself, it makes you feel as though you handed them a machine gun and it’s not worth it!

5. Don’t try to replace the person
They say the fastest way over someone is to find someone new. This is not the case when you’re recovering from a toxic relationship. When you’re recovering from a toxic relationship, unfortunately you are exceptionally vulnerable, more than if you’re just recovering from a standard relationship break up. The chances that you will entice another toxic person into your life are extremely high. Don’t go with it. Take comfort in knowing that if this person has left you for someone else, the chances that they are truly happy or will be happy long-term are exceptionally slim. And you would have left them anyway because the relationship was toxic … so don’t worry!

6. Struggling? Read about it
Spend some time reading about other people’s experiences and advice about leaving a toxic relationship – it will strengthen you. I found the Between Dreams blog written by the gorgeous Allie, and I have to say: it’s absolutely FANTASTIC! If you’re leaving a toxic relationship, you will certainly identify with the things she says, here’s an excerpt from it:

“You want the real, uncensored truth? Because for me, letting go of people is hard. I fight for the people I care about, I want the best for them, and I want to be that person who stuck it out for the long hard battle. Because how can you just give up on the years you’ve known each other? The time invested into that very relationship? The idea of giving up just doesn’t enter my mind.
Then one day, you wake up. You see how unhappy you are. You now see the trance of negativity that’s been placed around you. You begin to wonder which way to turn…
You can write out your feelings, you can list out the pros and cons, justify whatever it is in your mind, give them one more chance, but all it takes it one thought to change everything. For me, it was this:
“Fuck this. I want a life filled with happiness, love, and compassion. And you know what? I deserve it. It’s mine for the taking, so why am I holding myself back?”

Hopefully, even after reading this small passage by Allie – you are starting to feel less alone, more empowered and find comfort in the idea of moving forward.

7. Accept that your time was wasted and the relationship wasn’t real
Realise, no matter what they said, the relationship was not real. If it was, you would have known all the circumstances (including if they cheated, when and who it was with) and been able to have made an informed decision. If it was real and you had recognised that it was toxic for you… well there’s no way any rational person would be in it in the first place. So the person can say what they like, but the entire relationship was fake.

8. Use visualisation techniques
Visualise yourself collecting all the beautiful things you said to this person, all the good times, all the money you spent, the time you invested … and rip it off them! It’s like snatching back everything they have taken from you. Now that you’ve got all these emotions and beautiful words you said to them back and they’re clear of the toxic person, put it straight back on yourself. You deserve all the good you put into the relationship – they do not. So using visualisation you’re collecting all the good stuff back from the relationship (everything that’s yours and nothing they ever deserved), packing up all your hard efforts, boxing every sweet word and good deed you did, and then dumping it right back on yourself. Guess what they have now? Nothing! Empowering, huh?

9. Communicate with them using only visualisation techniques
Use visualisation to scream at the person: “You’re delusional! Everything was FAKE! I could never love you because I never knew you!” It may sound crazy but it’s quite cathartic! Everything you want to do to them or say to them do it in your mind. Play it all out and be done with it. It beats any consequences from actually becoming self-destructive.

10. Detox yourself as much as possible
Be strong! This is where hitting SHIFT DELETE (hard erasing on your computer, beyond any point of return) on your keyboard is your best friend. Go to any photo, any letter, any memory of that person. Select. SHIFT DELETE. Delete their phone number. Delete their email. Lose their address. Rip up every hard-copy photo. Bag up everything you want to return to them and be done with it. Go on a massive, deleting, destructive mission. By the end of it you will feel as though the relationship is just … ERASED! Don’t get me wrong: you won’t feel good, you won’t feel satisfied, you won’t get your smile back for a very, very long time … but it’s less painful stuff to look at and remember.

11. Lean on people around you for support
Make a pact with someone you really trust and love, that you will not be in touch with this person again. This means, while you’re vulnerable, you’ll be able to rely on the strength of others.

12. Quit asking yourself why and trying to figure out what was real
You’ve been stripped of your dignity, you’re hurting to capacity and now you’re finding yourself torturing yourself with a million questions: WHY WHY WHY! These questions are better left unanswered – and sometimes they don’t even come with answers – so instead of asking, accept the situation for what it is.

Don’t try to work out what was real because I can tell you now: it was all fake! If you had known the circumstances – would you really have been with that person in the way you were? Don’t give the toxic person the satisfaction of thinking it would be real had you have known the real scenario. Deep down they know it wasn’t real as well, otherwise they would have come clean about any deceit at the start.

If you are going to ask questions, ask them of yourself as a way of moving forward – this will empower you. Kris Carr wrote a really good blog about “How to identify and release toxic relationships”. Some of the questions you should be asking yourself to realise you were in a toxic relationship and start accepting the situation, come from her blog:
– Is the pain too great to stay the same?
– Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
– Is it impossible to make boundaries?
– Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
– Does the relationship take more energy than it gives?
– Is blaming and complaining (coming from the toxic person) becoming really boring?
– Am I completely fatigued when I’m with that person and energetic when they’re gone?
– Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
– Does the person make you feel as though you’ll be lost without them?
– Do I miss the old me?

I’ve walked away – now what?
Unfortunately there is no way to fast-track your way through dealing with the pain. There’s no potion to take it all away. Take every positive distraction possible. See a good life coach, psychotherapist or psychologist (preferably who specialises in relationships and domestic violence) if you need to. Chat to people – you’ll be surprised about how much support you receive. You need to sit with this incredible feeling of loneliness – it’s hurtful if they’ve left for someone else because your thoughts tell you they’re cosy, warm and feeling loved, while you’re left out in the cold – but don’t forget the truth: long-term, this relationship will not last either – and if it does, it’ll never be the same. There will always be discomfort, pain and mistrust. Consider your situation the lucky escape – well done, you’ve dodged a bullet!

Letting Go of Toxic Relationships

Love someone who hurt you

http://relationshipfree.com/all-about-toxic-relationships-and-how-to-let-go/

By Sarah Webb

Don’t be upset if people prefer another to you, it’s difficult to convince a monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas. Anonymous

Are you in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself? Are you doubting yourself or finding you’re having paranoid thoughts about your actions and their impact? Do you find yourself acting out in ways that you never have before? Are you constantly distressed and not sure if you’re relationship is coming or going? Are you isolated from your loved ones or has your self-esteem plummeted due to continuing this relationship? I bet you can’t recognise yourself anymore too… DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT!

We have all encountered toxic people in our life, but for those of us unlucky enough to experience a toxic relationship, you will understand how these feelings and symptoms mentioned above crept subtly into your relationship and started affecting it, and how painful it is to let the person go – particularly because you will generally love them and care for them that little bit extra because they have needed you and dragged you down at the same time.

Sometimes we need to love someone from a distance and unfortunately this means the process of detoxing yourself from them. If your partner is putting you down, crushing your spirit or you have found out that they are cheating on you, this blog is for you. Today we look at how you can release yourself from a toxic relationship and get on with a happier life – even if it means being alone.

What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel consistently bad about yourself. You may find yourself fending off subtle jabs or downright insults, dealing with unreliability or perhaps even deceit. A toxic relationship leaves you feeling anxious, unrewarded and unaccepted.

Still unsure? Check out this blog by Love Panky about the different types of toxic people and toxic-style relationships. In some cases, some of these can overlap, some people may check every box. As Natalie Avdeeva points out, the types of people who are toxic are:
– Controlling
– Jealous
– Bitchy
– Negative-thinking
– They put you down
– They cheat on you
– They lie to you (don’t put up with lies!)
– They’re abusive
– They blame you
– They are extremely insecure
– They’re demanding
– They’re over-the-top perfectionists
– They’re narcissistic
– They’re competitive
– They’re manipulative.

Here’s a checklist of symptoms of a toxic relationship:
– It feels as though no matter what you do or how hard you try, you can’t do anything right
– Are they constantly putting you down?
– Everything is about them and never about you, when you make it about you – they quickly manipulate it back to be about them again
– You find yourself unable to enjoy the good times
– Are you so emotionally dependant on each other that you can’t do anything alone?
– You’re uncomfortable being yourself (which is why you lose track of who you are!)
– They refuse to allow you to grow or change
– Is there a constant drama and it always feels so far out of your control?
– They start controlling you until you feel completely lost and confused.

If you answered ‘yes’ to two or more of these – these are your red flags … GET OUT NOW! GO!

Can you fix a toxic relationship?
Maybe … but at the time it is toxic, definitely not. You need to muster up all your courage and find a place to escape far away from the person. The following steps will hopefully lead you to a path where you’re feeling back on track rapidly. It is better to cut this person completely free from your life, and not consider any point of return, than to consider any kind of future with them. Whatever happens, do not encourage the bad behaviour. You deserve better!

What do I do if I suspect I’m in a toxic relationship but I’m not entirely sure?
Keep a diary – then no matter what they say, you can refer back and see what the reality was for yourself. By keeping a diary you will have a heap of evidence to validate your actions and words and it will help you to rebuild yourself quicker.

Throughout a toxic relationship, you’ll notice your self-esteem will plunge while the level of self-doubt rises so high that you feel like you’re drowning in it. Every time you’re left, you will hate yourself, blame yourself and become overwhelmed by guilt. By keeping a diary of how the person is making you feel, their actions and words, you can look back and go: “Hold up – no, the reality was this! Here’s what you said and did, here’s what I said and did.”

What if I stay?
The hard truth is: generally these relationships lead to the toxic person cheating on you. Talk about adding insult to injury! So after all the pain you’ve suffered as they’ve crushed your spirit, you also have the pain that you never truly had them to begin with. This is why it’s important that you acknowledge you’re in a toxic relationship and leave EARLY – to save yourself any further pain. Look out for the alarm bells and signs of a toxic relationship they come in all forms mentioned above.

Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Addiction to Bonding with Our Abusers

This addiction is what I had the most trouble really getting. It is such a HUGE part of why people stay in bad marriages and relationships for years. I never understood the biology behind it. It is real and it does make victims of narcissistic abuse bond so closely to the person responsible for their suffering. The wife or husband treating them like crap and ignoring their needs over and over again. This is why they make excuses, stay stuck in denial, remain trapped hoping the narcissist isn’t lying this time and will change (AIN’T A SHOT IN HELL OF THAT HAPPENING). Good, loving parents even allow their children to suffer the narcissist’s abuse as a result of their addiction. It’s what they feel comfortable with and being without it is very scary and hard to deal with.

Please know that you can and will be happy again. But the first step is to face the truth. No more denial. Only then can you start to break free. Go where the love is!

Self-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

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Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Addiction to Bonding with our Abusers

by Shahida Arabi

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse are confounded by the addiction they feel to the narcissist, long after the abusive relationship took a toll on their physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Make no mistake: recovery from an abusive relationship can be very similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical bonds we may develop with our toxic ex-partners.

Understanding why we are addicted permits us recognize that our addiction is not about the merits of the narcissist, but rather the nature and severity of the trauma we’ve experienced. It enables us to detach and move forward with powerful knowledge that can propel us towards greater agency and healthier relationships than the ones we’ve experienced in the past. In addition, it challenges the victim-blaming discourse in society that prevents many abuse survivors from gaining…

View original post 1,673 more words

Thankful Thursday

I’m thankful for so many things, just not in the mood to write this week. It’s been a long week at work but looking forward to having off after next Wednesday until after New Year’s Day. Yeah!!!!!

I hope you enjoy these as much as I did. Have a great day and go where the love is!!

Thankful Thursday1

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close to friday

Thirsty Thur

thursday hang in there

Giving Up The Need For Closure

By Zari Ballard

For a victim to recover from narcissist abuse, he or she must be ready and willing to give up the need for closure because it is never going to happen. When we receive the inevitable Discard (after an eternity of being Devalued), it is often our longing for closure that keeps us hanging on and incapable of moving forward.

As a victim, we become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that we’re willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that we think we want. But the ending never comes. For everything we did for the narcissist and for all the tears we cried, we’re left with nothing. For all the months and years that we wasted, we naturally (and rightfully!) want some type of closure (no matter what it is) we’ll even make ourselves crazier than we already are trying to devise a way to make it happen!

That’s right – closure! It’s spelled C-L-O-S-U-R-E, damn it! And by God, I’m going to stay in my miserable relationship, letting that narcissist treat me like shit until I get it! Yeah, that’s right…what do you ya think about that!! Oh, you’ll see… I’ll hang in there ’till I’m nothing and she destroys me. I’ll stay in this fucked up mess as long as it takes to get the closure that I want…you can count on that!

Oh yes…victims of narcissistic abuse can be as stubborn as the N when it comes to getting what they want. Unfortunately, there’s exists a very huge problem. Victims conveniently forget that the narcissist likes it when we suffer. In fact, our suffering is the most important part of the narcissist’s relationship agenda. Therefore, giving us closure so that we feel all warm and fuzzy as she walks away is not going to be an option – ever.

What? You don’t care about my closure?? Oh yeah, well…well, go ahead and don’t care! See if I care that you don’t care about caring about me who cares about you! We’ll see who doesn’t care! I want my closure and you’re gonna give it to me if it’s the last thing you do…I’ll hang in there till the bitter end!

The more we whine and cry about not being given a proper good-by, the more the N pushes the envelope. She simply doesn’t care about ever making us happy and she’ll always get the last word (even if that means she leaves without saying any words at all!). As we know, the narcissist is the only human on earth who can make a silent treatment sound like all hell breaking loose. Her entire life is a show of smoke and mirrors and she can play the Pretender to five targets at once if she has to.  All the letters, all the tears, all the begging and pleading……if it hasn’t worked up until this point, what the hell are we thinking?? It’s time to let go of the narcissist and walk away. It’s time to realize that we really don’t know what the word closure even means. I believe that, when it ends…when we receive the final discard…the only closure that we really want involves the narcissist hoovering her way back…and if that’s not going to happen, then the closure we want involves some bad-ass, fucking revenge!

I want my closure!! Give me my closure! You can’t leave me without closure! How can you do that? I hate you! I love you! Don’t leave me…no, go ahead and go…see if I care…I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, cheat on me all you want, see if I care…when you get done, I’ll be right here waiting for my closure….because it’s coming..oh yeah, it’s coming..and you’re gonna give it to me…aren’t you? Don’t you love me? Hey, don’t turn your back on me…I haven’t got my closure yet…When I get  my closure, I can rest in peace. But then I’ll be sad. Hey, are you listening to me???

(the scene fades to black…and then repeats itself…again and again and again)

You will make yourself crazy pretending to seek a closure that truly doesn’t exist. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. When we’re involved with a narcissistic partner, the fact that we feel this horrible void at the point of break-up is very deliberate. The narcissist manages down our relationship expectations so low that we’d rather suffer in the emptiness and wait for her return than accept the fact that she only returns to ensure our unhappiness.

The time is now to find your way out of the rabbit hole and giving up closure is the first and most important step in the journey back.

Stay strong!!!

Ghosts of Exes Past

It always makes me laugh how life unfolds. In my experience, usually NOT at all the way we hoped or expected. After overcoming a lot of things, I have learned to lean into the curves and continue to grow through adversity and heartbreak.

I have only had my heartbroken twice in my life. Once when I was 21 and the other last year.  The first guy to ever break my heart was Brian and he was my first real love.  I was sure we were meant to be lol. I’m actually cringing as I write this. It sounds so silly and naive now. We were complete opposites and had nothing in common. Except an incredible physical chemistry and an intense sexual chemistry.  Looking back after all these years, you always see things much clearer. I think because the sex was incredible I mistook it for a deeper spiritual connection.  He had a drinking problem, no ambition and while he did chase after me for months, eventually it became obvious that he was kind of a selfish jerk. But 2 tumultuous years later, when he broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. It actually makes me laugh now how it was the worst thing that could ever happen and I thought I would never be happy again.  A few months later, we got back together and then I finally saw him as he was, not how I wanted him to be. I dumped him a few months later and never looked back.

A few years after I was married, Brian found me on Facebook and proceeded to tell me I was the love of his life. He never should have let me go and he still loves me, blah blah blah. All I could think of to say was, “What friggin relationship were you in?!?” LOL I was married, quite happily and had no intention of ever cheating on my H.  On my birthday he posted all these love songs to me, and a few other inappropriate things that just made me laugh. My H is a good sport and after I told Brian to cut it out, he stopped.

So last week, Brian texts me the day after I told my H that I was going to need some sort of pass to have sex. I said I wouldn’t have it with P and he didn’t have to worry but I was going to lose my mind.

Ex-boyfriends must have a homing beacon that lets them know when you’re vulnerable lol. I thought Brian might be the perfect candidate. We have history, I’m obviously comfortable with him, and there is absolutely NO chance of me falling for him again. Like I have said before, I love fiercely and with my whole heart. But when I’m finally done, I am just done. There is no going back EVER!

He was speechless when I told him about the sexless marriage. He told me that in 2 years, he NEVER once remembers me saying not now, I’m not in the mood, I have a headache, or EVER turning down sex. LOL!! He’s single and quickly asked me if I would let him cook me dinner sometime.

But honestly?  After talking to him a few times? He’s still the same selfish jerk he was 20 years ago.  I guess that’s why he’s single and has never been married. So I took a pass and wished him luck.

That’s the thing about heartbreak, you can’t plan for it or avoid it. But hopefully you can learn from it and not repeat the same old mistakes.

No Contact is the First Step in Breaking the Trauma Bond

Source: No Contact is the First Step in Breaking the Trauma Bond
by Kim Saeed

You may be reading this article because you’ve been considering leaving your abusive, narcissistic partner. You daydream about a life without them and for a moment, you feel a small shimmer of hope.

But that small shimmer went away, didn’t it, when you remembered the reality of it all?

They’ve been abusing you for so long, you settle back into believing you will never win.

That’s exactly what the narcissist wants you to believe.

What if I told you that your toxic partner is a coward? They don’t have any real power, only that which you give them. What they’ve done is systematically brainwash you, and thereby made you believe you have no control over your life.

But you do.

Lots of people, including myself, once believed we’d never be free from the twisted, dysfunctional Hell that is a relationship with a narcissist. But we’re out now. And though recovery is something that will take time, the first step in healing and getting your life back is to leave and go No Contact. If you have kids with your abuser, it takes a little more discipline and determination, but a strict modified contact plan will illustrate to your Ex that they can no longer rule your life.

“But what if they just need more time and patience?”, you ask yourself. “Maybe if I just do such and such and completely give up my identity, they will change and we’ll live happily ever after in a forest.” a.k.a. self-doubt, confusion, and wishful-thinking.

You’re not to blame, though. Those are all thoughts of someone who’s entangled in a vile Trauma/Betrayal Bond.

Do you experience any of the following?

-You remain loyal to your abuser, regardless of the pain they’ve caused you.

-You keep forgiving your abuser over and over, though they’ve never come through on their promises and continue to lie.

-You keep trying to do more and more to please your partner, but nothing you do is ever good enough or acknowledged.

-You continue to ruminate over the hurtful things your partner did, even though they might be out of the picture now.

-You find yourself trying to get back with your abuser, even though you know logically that you’ve been violated.

-You create a fantasy that leads you to falsely believe things can go back to being good. Not just for a day or two…or five minutes, but forever.

If any of these things sound like you, you’ve developed a Trauma Bond with the narcissist. And guess what, it wasn’t accidental…your abuser implemented this from day one.
According to Michael Samsel, author of the blog Abuse and Relationships:

Bad times bond people as strongly as good times, perhaps more so.

Bonding is in part why it is harder to leave an abusive relationship the longer it continues. Bonding makes it hard to enforce boundaries, because it is much harder to keep away from people to whom we have bonded. In leaving a long relationship, it is not always useful to judge the correctness of the decision by how hard it is, because it will always be hard.

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way.. Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.

Strangely, growing up in an emotionally unsafe home makes later emotionally unsafe situations have more holding power. This has a biological basis beyond any cognitive learning. It is trauma in one’s history that makes for trauma bonding. Because trauma (and developmental trauma or early relational trauma is epidemic) cause numbing around many aspects of intimacy, traumatized people often respond positively to a dangerous person or situation because it feels natural to them.

The above reasons are precisely why people have such a hard time effectively fulfilling No Contact.

People also fall by the wayside by fantasizing that they will talk to their abuser “one last time” to gain closure. Often, that one last time turns into more years of abuse.

Or, they believe that if they show their abuser how serious they are about leaving, he or she will change. Your abuser will never change. The only way off of this crazy-train is to make changes yourself. Get out now!!!!

Critical Thinking

This post idea came about after talking with my friend n fellow blogger Son. https://sonofabeach96.wordpress.com

As someone who works in education, I see the lack of critical thinking every day. Not only in most of our students, but many parents and some teachers too. I went to Montessori nursery schools. They were expensive but my parents scraped the money together because my Mom loved how they teach you critical thinking at such a young age. These types of progressive schools open your mind to more than just ABCs. They give you a lifelong love of learning and a strong sense of self.

Critical thinking is the ability to think clearly and rationally about what to do or what to believe. It includes the ability to engage in reflective and independent thinking. Someone with critical thinking skills is able to do the following :

*understand the logical connections between ideas
*identify, construct and evaluate arguments
*detect inconsistencies and common mistakes in reasoning
*solve problems
*systematically identify the relevance and importance of ideas
*reflect on the justification of one’s own beliefs and values

Critical thinking is not a matter of accumulating information. A person with a good memory and who knows a lot of facts is not necessarily good at critical thinking. A critical thinker is able to deduce consequences from what he knows, and knows how to make use of information to solve problems, and to seek relevant sources of information to inform themself.

Critical thinking should not be confused with being argumentative or being critical of other people. Although critical thinking skills can be used in exposing fallacies and bad reasoning, critical thinking can also play an important role in cooperative reasoning and constructive tasks. Critical thinking can help us acquire knowledge, improve our theories, and strengthen arguments. We can use critical thinking to enhance work processes and improve social institutions.

Some people believe that critical thinking hinders creativity because it requires following the rules of logic and rationality, but creativity might require breaking rules. This is a misconception. Critical thinking is quite compatible with thinking “out-of-the-box”, challenging consensus and pursuing less popular approaches. If anything, critical thinking is an essential part of creativity because we need critical thinking to evaluate and improve our creative ideas.

The importance of critical thinking is huge. Critical thinking is a domain-general thinking skill. The ability to think clearly and rationally is important whatever we choose to do. If you work in education, research, finance, management or the legal profession, then critical thinking is obviously important. But critical thinking skills are not restricted to a particular subject area. Being able to think well and solve problems systematically is an asset for any career.

Critical thinking is very important in the new knowledge economy. The global knowledge economy is driven by information and technology. One has to be able to deal with changes quickly and effectively. The new economy places increasing demands on flexible intellectual skills, and the ability to analyse information and integrate diverse sources of knowledge in solving problems. Good critical thinking promotes such thinking skills, and is very important in the fast-changing workplace.

Critical thinking enhances language and presentation skills. Thinking clearly and systematically can improve the way we express our ideas. In learning how to analyse the logical structure of texts, critical thinking also improves comprehension abilities.

Critical thinking promotes creativity. To come up with a creative solution to a problem involves not just having new ideas. It must also be the case that the new ideas being generated are useful and relevant to the task at hand. Critical thinking plays a crucial role in evaluating new ideas, selecting the best ones and modifying them if necessary

Critical thinking is crucial for self-reflection. In order to live a meaningful life and to structure our lives accordingly, we need to justify and reflect on our values and decisions. Critical thinking provides the tools for this process of self-evaluation.

Good critical thinking is the foundation of science and democracy. Science requires the critical use of reason in experimentation and theory confirmation. The proper functioning of a liberal democracy requires citizens who can think critically about social issues to inform their judgments about proper governance and to overcome biases and prejudice.

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

narc figment

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

By Andrea Schneider, LCSW

http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/andrea-schneider-20100917

Narcissism is defined as: excessive sense of self-importance over and above the needs of others; grandiosity; arrogance; absence of ability to empathize and experience reciprocity in relationships; intense need for admiration/attention to fill very low self-esteem; impaired relationships resulting in parasitic/predatory behaviors designed to fill one’s self-esteem in the form of narcissistic supply (DSM-IV).

One could wonder, then, how someone would find such an individual, someone who embodies these characteristics, attractive. Well, studies show that people with narcissism market themselves in attractive, deceptive packages. They may present with a swagger, intense eye contact, false bravado/charm, knock-your-socks-off seduction (often learned by neurolinguistic programming (NLP), swift pacing of rushing the relationship into commitment/marriage/promising a future together (which is later discovered to be a lie), intense sexual chemistry, love-bombing or romancing the target excessively (flowers, etc). There is usually always the promise of mind blowing sex, but it rarely if ever materializes. Sex is a weapon to manipulate and control, not to share intimacy or love.

People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity (Brown, 2013), and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive (including negative attention). These individuals feel a sense of challenge in targeting highly successful, attractive individuals who may already be in other relationships and/or who express a sense of vulnerability (i.e. having grief or depression, or recently getting out of a relationship).

The literature on malignant narcissism is extensive, yet many are not informed about the dangers of being involved with someone whose character or actions tend toward narcissism. I find that clients who were entangled in relationships with such individuals have more healing to do from breaks in these relationships than if they had been in relationships with healthy individuals, because often these clients are manifesting symptoms of posttraumatic stress.

Not only are they grieving the loss of the relationship, but they are also processing the unreality of a “fake relationship.” Furthermore, often psychological abuse (and emotional and sexual abuse) has permeated the relationship. In order to heal, psychotherapy must focus on grief work and trauma recovery, in addition to understanding the elements of the toxic relationship, so that patterns are not repeated in the future.

Once the initial honeymoon wears off, partners of people with narcissistic traits go from feeling high on a pedestal (much like being on cocaine) to feeling devalued, discarded, and figuratively knocked off the pedestal. Their partners have successfully seduced and hooked them into relationships.

But suddenly, the individual with narcissism begins to reveal traits of lying, future-faking, and Dr. Jekyll /Ms. Hyde Personality. She or he may vanish for hours or days on end, or gaslight (confuses the reality of) a partner. This person becomes emotionally abusive and detaches from the partner, extracting narcissistic supply in the process.

The partner, then, is  ignored, dropped or discarded, coming to a sudden and shocking realization.  The Narcissist is simply not capable of true intimacy/love, and really exhibits a limited capacity for emotional connectedness/bonding. The Narcissist is now a mere fantasy, because she or he acted through mind control and brainwashing (Brown, 2013).

Truth

we must accept what is and release all that will never be

Source: Truth

I’m a little out of sorts today. Trying to release all that will never be. I’m having a really good week but there’s this mean, petty and just plain nasty co-worker who’s behavior is escalating.

Everyone else I work with is so very wonderful, so usually I just ignore her. I am definitely grateful to have such a special, supportive n kind work family. We take care of one another. Like one of the school psychologists I worked with retired last year and he still came to my Mother-in-law’s wake to show his support. And last month a few of them chipped in $100 and completely surprised me when I was getting my hair done! Just to cheer me up because the last few months have been difficult. In today’s world, it’s rare to find such a positive and happy work environment.

I accept what is and am letting go of what will never be. I know there’s so many things in life to be grateful for and to look forward to. I choose to focus on all that I do have. That’s more than most. I’m very lucky 🙂

7 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Have Sex Everyday

https://mydeadbedroom.wordpress.com/2015/12/10/7-very-good-reasons-why-you-should-have-sex-everyday/

See? There’s so MANY reasons why sex is important! Medically, psychologically, etc there are just so many reasons to JUST DO IT! I’m not saying it’s the most important part of a good marriage. But it is important to me. I miss it and crave it.

I am talking to H this weekend because I don’t know if I need a pass or something but I just cannot continue to live in sexual purgatory. I can’t force him to have sex but he’s forcing me into involuntary celibacy? How is that acceptable? It isn’t.

Letting Go and Feeling Good About It

let-go1

Letting Go and Feeling Good About It

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” — Ann Landers

Letting go isn’t easy, especially in relationships. And letting go of your marriage, spouse or partner can be one of the hardest things to do in life. Yet, it can be the most rewarding, positive, life-changing experience you will ever have. Letting go allows you to express your real self — the one that doesn’t require any attachments to feel safe or happy. Truth be told, your real self already has everything you need to feel secure and happy. Be willing to get to know the real you. That begins with letting go of those people (places or things) that you mistakenly believed brought you security and/or happiness. That belief (which you have the power to change) keeps you imprisoned and locked in a cycle of low self-worth, dependency, and misguided duty or obligation. Very unhealthy, to say the least.

There are other reasons why it’s good to let go. For one thing, it allows you to make room for new, positive experiences. When you let go of a person with whom you’ve had a relationship, you are in a position to create something totally new. It’s your chance to take all those things you loved about your past relationship as well as all those things you wished you had but didn’t, and combine them as your vision for your ultimate relationship. Of course, if you’re not ready for that, you can still use that opening to do something in your life you never had the chance to do before. Try something new!

But aside from the reasons why you should let go, there’s still the dilemma of how you’re going to feel good about it. It just doesn’t seem that easy when you’re letting go of someone you’ve loved or still love. But consider this: You, as a divine and creative being, have the power to choose to feel good about it. In my experience, this is something most people miss. We are conditioned to believe that letting go of a relationship, marriage, spouse or partner is going to make us feel bad. We don’t even consider the idea that we can actually choose to feel good about it. While it’s natural to feel sad over your loss, you don’t need to be stuck in that sadness for as long as you think. Know that the most crucial first step to feeling good about letting go is to simply decide to. Your decision about how your future experience will be determines your outcome. You have that power of choice, so use it!

This isn’t to deny or suppress your emotions. On the contrary, choosing to feel good about letting go actually helps to view and express them in a much healthier manner. You won’t dwell upon your grief and sadness, thereby perpetuating it even further. Instead, your emotions become more balanced as you detach from the drama of it all.

Once you make the decision to feel good about letting go, you can follow these suggestions to help that good feeling continue:

  • Stop forfeiting your time doing things you don’t love.Although it’s necessary to allot time to your responsibilities and obligations, don’t waste your time on thoughts or activities that consistently bring you down. Stop reading negative, angry or depressing posts, watching sad movies about lost love or listening to songs about heartache. They don’t serve you in the least. Use your time doing things that support what you love and enjoy — especially if it’s creative and fun. And do them without guilt.
  • Go out in nature.Nature has a very healing and uplifting effect. Spend at least 30 minutes a day outside. Connect with the earth, trees, plants and animals. If you can be near water, that’s even better! I believe that water is cleansing to the emotions and mental clutter. In time, your outing will help you to feel the energy of a positive, new beginning.
  • Happily daydream and wonder.Use the creative imagination of your inner child to wonder what it would be like if you had ______ or experienced ______ (but don’t include your ex in it, as that would defeat the purpose). Do this daily. Your joyful inner child is begging to be expressed, so let your imagination lead the way. When you think and dream of joyful and magical things, you become happier! And so what if you feel silly — being silly always brings a smile, right?

Once you let go, you allow the universe to step in to bring benefit to everyone involved — especially you. Benefit = goodness, health, happiness, prosperity, blessings, assistance…. the list goes on. Holding on creates unhealthy attachments that hurt everyone involved — especially you. By holding on and believing that letting go feels “bad,” you’re not going to see or feel the benefits. Your thoughts and beliefs about letting go are your biggest detractors so change them and decide to feel good about it. You just might find your newfound freedom feels good after all.

This article was written by Pamela Dussault, creator of www.PassageToInnerJoy.com.

Blow Up

marriage doomed
I guess this has been coming for a while.  I left my husband a note this morning telling him how disappointed I am that he has done nothing to try to improve the sexless state of our marriage. I stressed how serious I am about separating in January if things do not drastically improve and I’m so devastated that he isn’t even trying to fight for me and for us. He left me a voicemail apologizing and saying he will try harder and things will get better. I’ve heard all that before. Then we spoke and argued and I blew up and told him I’ve waited so much longer than I should have. Life is too short to waste it. I said I’m not willing to stay without sex, kissing and romantic love ANYMORE. Our problems are not just his fault, they’re ours (cause he said oh you’re perfect it’s all me). But the truth is only 1 of us refuses sex.
I said I’m so sorry you’re hurting but I’m hurting too. I miss love and I cant be unhappy n unloved any longer. I just can’t. He said he is not well and I said I know that. He said I love you! and I’m stressed! So I said I know I can be a crazy bitch but I deserve and need to be desired and made love to. He said he agrees lol. I said he doesn’t love me enough to share sex and love and I am not waiting another 2 months. I want a sex life now! Either go to the dr, explain you’re depressed n ask to try testosterone because it helps with low libido and depression or I’m done.  I know I shouldn’t feel bad but I do.  I do not want to hurt him anymore than he already is but I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND! Then of course he had to hit me like 5 times with the fact that his Mom died 2 months ago.  As much as I get that and I have tried to be patient, it’s just been way too long for me to accept that. So I feel sad, horribly insensitive and angry at the same time.

| Life is Like a Roller Coaster Ride on WordPress.com

Photo post.

Source: | Life is Like a Roller Coaster Ride on WordPress.com

This REALLY helped me today! Lately, I have been happy and content. I do not feel like there anything lacking in my life. And I am very grateful about that.

But it’s always there in the back of my mind. It is a big pink elephant in the room. Sex is important and I miss it. I miss passion, intimacy and everything that goes with it. Only 1 more month and although I am scared and terrified, I will start to make plans to separate.  I cannot imagine my life without him but I also cannot remain in a sexless marriage any longer and I have no other choice.

It still seems kind of unreal to me that after 10 years, it’s come to this.  I definitely don’t think he believes that I will, which is absolutely crazy.  I don’t know what’s going through his head, I just know that as much as I love him, I cannot sacrifice that part of myself any longer than I already have.  It’s that tragic and that simple all at the same time.

Here’s to 2016 and going where the love and great sex is!!!

Soulmates

By Dr. Carmen Harra

As the American writer Richard Bach said, “A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are.”

Ah, soulmates. The epitome of love and partnership. In our fast-paced chaotic world, which boasts all sorts of different people, we find ourselves skimming through more relationships than we’d like in order to find that one person who can truly open our locks.

Not just anyone can fulfill you the way your soulmate can. There’s a world of a difference between your soulmate, your heart’s other half and a life partner — a person who lacks the elements to mold perfectly to you. Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit.

Most of us remain in life-partner relationships because we “settle,” for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, we may have a real subconscious fear of being alone. And since we’re biologically designed to fall in love, it’s only natural that we pair up in this world. But we sometimes prolong what are meant to be temporary relationships and mistakenly settle into them for good. There are relationships which must last for a certain period of time to close out a karmic chapter of life, relationships in which we’re meant to have children with our partner but not necessarily remain with them, and relationships which are just plain confusing because a melting pot of emotions doesn’t allow us to see our predestined path.

From couples who married their childhood loves to people in their retirement years who still struggle with commitment issues. Most of us fall somewhere between these two extremes, meaning that we experienced several relationships before finding the person we believe to be our perfect pairing. Whether you’re currently married, in a relationship, or contemplating entering a relationship with a new love interest, it is crucial that you know what role this person will play in your life. After all, there’s no avoiding the inevitable, often uncomfortable question we must ask ourselves: Is this the person I was bound by destiny to share my life with? Or did I settle too quickly into a relationship with someone who can never complete me?

No matter the category you fit into to, there are several indications which clearly outline a soulmate bond (or a lack of bond) between you and your partner. As you go through this list, think about your partner or potential partner and evaluate whether they meet the soulmate criteria.

The 10 Elements of a Soulmate:

1. It’s something inside. Describing how a soulmate makes you feel is difficult. It’s a tenacious, profound and lingering emotion which no words can encompass.

2. Flashbacks. If your partner is your soulmate, chances are he or she has been present in your past lives. Soulmates often choose to come back together during the same lifetime and scope each other out in the big world. You might suddenly and briefly experience flashbacks of your soulmate. You might even feel an odd sense of déjà vu, as if the moment in time has already taken place, perhaps a long time ago, perhaps in a different setting.

3. You just get each other. Ever met two people who finsh each other’s sentences? Some people call that spending too much time together, but I call it a soulmate connection. You might experience this with your best friend or your mother, but it is the telltale sign of a soulmate when you experience it with your partner.

4. You fall in love with his (or her) flaws. No relationship is perfect, and even soulmate relationships will experience ups and downs. Still, that bond will be much harder to break. Soulmates have an easier time of accepting, even learning to love, each other’s imperfections. Your relationship is more likely to be a soulmate match if you both love each other exactly as you each are, accepting both the great and awful tendencies we all have.

5. It’s intense. A soulmate relationship may be more intense than normal relationships, in both good and sometimes bad ways. The most important thing is that, even during negative episodes, you’re focused on resolving the problem and can see beyond the bad moment.

6. You two against the world. Soulmates often see their relationship as “us against the world.” They feel so linked together that they’re ready and willing to take on any feat of life, so long as they have their soulmate by their side. Soulmate relationships are founded on compromise and unity above all else.

7. You’re mentally inseparable. Soulmates often have a mental connection similar to twins. They might pick up the phone to call each other at the exact same time. Though life may keep you apart at times, your minds will always be in tune if you are soulmates.

8. You feel secure and protected. Regardless of the gender of your partner, he or she should always make you feel secure and protected. This means that if you’re a man, yes, your woman should make you feel protected, too! Your soulmate will make you feel like you have a guardian angel by your side. A person who plays on your insecurities, whether consciously or subconsciously, is not your soulmate.

9. You can’t imagine your life without him (or her). A soulmate is not someone you can walk away from that easily. It is someone you can’t imagine being without, a person you believe is worth sticking with and fighting for.

10. You look each other in the eye. Soulmates have a tendency to look into each other’s eyes when speaking more often than ordinary couples. It comes naturally from the deep-seated connection between them. Looking a person in the eye when speaking denotes a high level of comfort and confidence.

Whether you’re designed by the universe to be soulmates or two loving people who have settled for each other’s strengths and weaknesses, the decision is yours. The beauty of free will is that you can remain in or change any relationship as you see fit. To be with your soulmate is one of the precious treasures of life. And if you feel you’ve found your heart’s other half, I wish you endless days of joy and laughter, and countless nights of deep embrace, unraveling the mysteries of the universe one by one.