Love This Guy

I wrote this post while watching Joel Osteen. He is such a phenomenal motivational speaker. Even if you’re not Christian, there is still so much to get from his inspirational half hour shows.

I’m someone that has always been extremely cynical of televangelists that make tons of money from old ladies donations. So before I ever listened to him, I judged and wrote him off as another Jim Bakker or Jimmy Swaggart.

But it’s obvious there is something inherently good and right about Joel. He sells books, dvds, etc. Unlike the fake sheisters of the past, he actually gives you something for your money.

He’s funny and real. He’s had struggles in life and has worked extremely hard to achieve his success. I’m sure there’s tons of people that dislike him or what he has to say. I just like his positive and motivational messages. If they get me off the couch, thinking positive and feeling good, I’m happy!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend and going where the love is!!

Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Love this post!!! It really does help to make just a little couple time at least once a month.

Source: Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Hubby and I have been married for ten years. Although that’s not a terribly long time in the big scheme of things, we tend to find that amongst most of our married friends we are usually the ‘OG couple’, so to speak. So every now and again we’re asked for

advice on how to keep the love going strong. To which my immediate response is usually “Chile! PRAYER and WINE!”

But no, really…The single best advice that I can offer is to make date night a priority. Its the best advice because its something that literally every couple, in any stage of their relationship, can benefit from. It doesn’t matter if you’ve just gotten engaged or have been married for decades. Whether every thing is peachy-keen or if you guys have been on each other’s nerves lately [because lets face it, we all experience ebbs and flows in partnerships].  Its probably the only one-size-fits-all advice for couples.

Date night allows a couple to nurture their fundamental relationship as romantic partners. Not as parents, not as household contributors. Its way too easy to let all the hustle and bustle of married life take precedence over maintaining the foundation from which all of that organized chaos started from!

See the rest of the post at  Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

ER Adventures


Last week my Dad’s foot was swollen so he went to the nurse practitioner (his dr recently retired) who diagnosed him with cellulitis and prescribed antibiotics. A few days later, the foot and ankle were blown up so he went to the ER. They took an x-ray, diagnosed him with gout, prescribed steroids and released him WITHOUT READING THE X-RAY!!! Saturday morning, he just happened to listen to his home number’s answering machine and there was a message from the ER doctor telling him he needs to come back! WTF is wrong with these yahoos in the medical profession these days???? When I saw it, it was huge, with a cankle and his toes were so swollen, it looked like a pig’s foot 😦

Turns out he has multiple breaks and parts of bone fragments inside his foot. The ankle and foot bones have separated and he will need extensive surgery with pins, etc. But they cant do the surgery until the swelling goes down. They had put him in a hard cast the second time he was in the ER but now he’s in a boot. His poor girlfriend has been through the ringer this week lol. My 4 & 9 year-old nieces asked if they could sign his cast and why it wasn’t colored. He said they can sign it after he gets the surgery 🙂

I just cannot believe the level of incompetence in this whole comedy of errors. He’s been walking around on a broken foot for 2 weeks! I asked him how he could not have known it was broken? He banged it against a cabinet hard while at his girlfriend’s condo in Virginia, but never thought it was broken. And he has some neuropathy from diabetes. After looking at all the films and the MRI, the surgeon said he cannot understand how he is not screaming in agony. I have made him start taking the pain pills and they are helping.

So in the span of one week he went from having Cellulitis, Gout and now a really messed up and broken foot. They were supposed to be driving down to Florida this week, but I guess that’s probably not going to happen. Dad had said he doesn’t care what they have to do, next week he will be in Florida NO MATTER WHAT lol!  But that doesn’t seem possible now as they are talking multiple surgeries, months of no weight on that foot, rehab, etc.

I’m just glad that eventually he’s going to be okay and there’s nothing seriously wrong. He’s really upset and I could tell he feels guilty and crappy. I told him, it happened and it’s no one’s fault. Yes it sucks but he has to accept it because this is the reality. Although I will make sure he gets a bone density test run as soon as possible. After what happened with my MIL and the broken hip, I was nervous even though it was completely irrational.

He’s a tough old guy with an amazing capacity to see the humor and joy in life and he will be fine.  Oh and before I left his house last night, he said the pain pill made him feel so much better LOL.



The “Addictive” Trauma Bond-Learning What It Is And How To Help Yourself Heal

Source: The “Addictive” Trauma Bond-Learning What It Is And How To Help Yourself Heal

The “Addictive” Trauma Bond-Learning What It Is And How To Help Yourself Heal

     The following gives an accurate description of the highly ‘addictive’ quality of traumatic relationships with the disordered. The following is by Dr. Patrick Carnes and from his book, “The Betrayal Bond”. This is an excellent resource for your recovery:

Trauma Bonds by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., CAS
Abandonment and trauma are at the core of addictions. Abandonment causes deep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect. Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep enough and the terror big enough, the body alters. The system elevates into an alarm state, never safe. Waiting for the hurt again. In that state of readiness the client doesn’t notice that part of them has died. The client is grieving.

What we see is highly addictive attachment to the persons who have hurt the clients. The clients may even blame themselves, their defects, their failed efforts. The clients strive to do better as their lives slip away amongst all the intensity. These attachments cause the clients to distrust their own judgment, to distort their own realities so much, the clients can place themselves at more risk. The clients are bracing themselves against further hurt. Taking precautions which almost guarantee more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called trauma bonds.

Exploitive relationships create trauma bonds. These occur when a victim bonds
with someone who is destructive to them. Similarly, adult survivors of abusive
and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own
trauma experiences. To be loyal to that which does not work – or worse, to a
person who is toxic, exploitive, or destructive to the client, is a form of insanity.

There is a universal stumbling block that I have noticed with survivors, as well as from time to time within myself, that I’ve given much thought too. A survivor was in distress about this the other day because her mind kept gravitating toward her ex. She has been out of the relationship about two years, just as I have been.
She explained her circumstances and I shared that I would ponder…then I had an “aha!” moment!

The more I think about these relationships, along with similar but not always exact patterns I see with survivors, it is becoming crystal clear to me how the ‘addictive’ component plays out and how compelling it truly is.


The psychopath was our drug. We had chemical changes in the brain when due to the intense cognitive dissonance in the relationship. This means moving goal posts in our realities with him. He’s nice one minute, but utterly cruel the next. He can go a week and it is peaceful, but then we find out he’s cheating. Many scenarios can play out…so is he good, or is he bad? This cycle sets up the trauma bond, or rather the addictive element due to the severity of the insidiousness of the abuse.

So, let me ask you this:  Have you had another addiction you’ve struggled with? There are many, addictions to substances is only one area of addiction. We have addictions to food,  to sex,  to spending, to hoarding…anything can be addictive.
When we give it up we are in pain  from withdrawal. Our brains were wired through trauma and so we are literally re-wiring it  to do something else.

When you are recovering from addiction, when do you think it is most likely that you will have cravings? During times of stress maybe? When you’re lonely? Another trigger?

This is why you think of him. This is why.

It’s not ‘missing’ of him in the sense that you miss an abusive and dangerous predator, it’s that you miss the addiction to the cycles he created. When we remove any addiction, we must stay away from any sources or individuals that are likely to trigger a craving that leads to cognitive dissonance, that could lead us to contact. The craving is what causes a relapse. WE WANT A HIT OF OUR DRUG. The idea is to get enough TIME away from it to heal our brains, and to fill the huge void he left behind.

So what do we do when we are addicted to something and are in recovery or trying to do something different?

Note: This article also applies to men who are survivors of psychopathic and narcissistic women.

Tuesday Truths






I think these say it all. I have had years of incredible grief, loss, heartache and pain. But those hardships DO NOT DEFINE ME. They have made me a better, stronger, kinder and more loving person. I know what matters in life and what doesn't. And every day I am learning WHO matters and WHO doesn't. Not because of anything but their own choices.  I am happy and I am going where the love is!

Frigid Friday

Oops I meant to post this on Friday but got very busy. We actually got 2 feet of snow here on Long Island!! We’re digging our way out now. My niece’s party was small but so much fun. We all stayed laughing and talking until midnight lol. Love my kooky but amazing family.

It was so cold this morning, I actually used my H’s tummy as a heater lol.  I think he’s part bear because he was just so warm! He yelped when I put my cold hands on him, but then he hugged me close to him and we cuddled for a while before I had to get up and get in the shower for work.

We’re getting a snowstorm this weekend, with totals of up to a foot of snow. I think it will probably be more like 5-7 inches, which isn’t too bad. But of course everyone is going nuts here! Home Depot and the grocery stores are mobbed and people are acting like it’s the apocalypse lol. You know it’s a blizzard forecast if I can actually get my H to go food shopping!! Gotta get the bread and milk!!

My niece’s 9th birthday is tomorrow but her party has been moved to today in anticipation of the blizzard forecasted.  Her kids party isn’t until next week, thankfully. So it will mostly be family and friends and I am actually looking forward to it. My H will be working, but it was a last minute decision, so not a big deal.

Stay warm everyone and have a wonderful weekend:)

My Grandma

My Grandma was always such a character, even from my earliest memories.  She never really did things that other Grandmothers did.  Instead of baking cookies, she made fried bologna sandwiches.  She was married 3 times, the second time being to my Grandfather. Then 40 years later, she had a brief marriage to his identical twin brother, my Great Uncle!!  Can you say ewww, creepy????

She was obsessed with visiting cemeteries where her loved ones were buried.  At age 5, Grandma and I went on an adventure alone to the cemetery.  Before we went, she stopped at Roy Rogers and got me a hamburger and fries so I was a happy camper.  By the time we got to the cemetery, it was late afternoon.  I had no idea what time cemeteries closed at that age and Grandma certainly wasn’t deterred by the late hour.

She took me all over to 3 different gravestones and told me stories about my ancestors.  It was actually pretty interesting and before we knew it, it was dark out.  Well I know now that most cemeteries close pretty early, and it was definitely past closing time.  So we were locked in and our car was outside the gates.

Grandma looked around and then found an exit with a cement wall rather than those black ominous looking spikes that were everywhere else.  I remember getting scared and that I started to cry.  She said don’t cry Emma you can jump it.  C’mon, I will help you!  And that’s exactly what she did lol. She helped me get over the fence and then she did the same.  I was so proud of my accomplishment and excited by our adventure that I failed to notice my Mom’s abject horror at the thought of her little girl scaling over a cemetery wall.  After a few other misadventures with Grandma, I noticed we pretty much stopped going places with her alone for a number of years lol.

She moved down to Florida after my Holy Communion in the 80’s and she never set foot back in New York again until she got Alzheimer’s at age 83 and we brought her up to live with us for the last 2 years of her life. Grandma might have had a stroke and couldn’t remember where she was but she NEVER lost her spirit. One night following dinner, shortly after she arrived, she said, “This is great! I have everything I need. Except I need a man.”  My Mom had gone up to change her clothes, so it was just my Dad and I at the table with her. My Dad spit out his coffee he was laughing so hard and I just said, “Grandma, you were married 3 times! I think you’ve had enough men lol”. She said, “I was? Wow, that’s a lot huh?”

Then there was the Sunday morning I woke up to my Mom’s shrieks and ran downstairs like a bat out of hell without even thinking. Sitting in the middle of the foyer on the floor was my Grandma, completely covered head to toe in her own poop.  It was already so caked on she looked like a brown clay person. Little known fact. Poop doesn’t really smell when it’s dried like clay lol. To make matters worse, she had left a trail from one end of the very large downstairs of the house to the other! Did I mention we had white carpet in the formal dining room n living room? My Mom called my Dad who was working and he calmed her down a little.  I got my Mom a cup of coffee and asked her did she want to take the house or Grandma? One of us would have to clean the house and the other would have to clean Grandma. Since I wasn’t looking forward to either task, I thoughtfully let her choose. She said she would take the house, so upstairs I took Grandma to put her in the tub. It took over an hour and a half to get her totally clean and the whole time she just kept saying over and over, “I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it!” which I found pretty hysterical because come on! LOL So as I was toweling her off and putting a new set of clothes on her, she said “You’re a good girl, I want you to have the house.” I said this house (knowing my parents in fact owned it and always had)? She said yes. I said thanks and we all got a chuckle out of it when I told the rest of the family. Well about a week later I was stopping Grandma from throwing chicken bones out on the front lawn when she said, I don’t like you, get away from me! My Mom, the original smart ass (see I come by it honestly), turned to me and said, “Oh well, guess you’re not getting the house!” LOL!!!!

It was difficult taking care of her at the end, even with all of us pitching in. But I’m so glad that we did. In her lucid moments, I really got to know her more than I ever had before. And I treasure those memories, good and bad. When my Mom got sick, we had already worked as a team, my Dad, Mom and I, all those years ago. It made it much easier to work together again to help get her well and then at the end to keep her comfortable. I know many things happen for a reason and I’m glad my Mom couldn’t just put her Mom in a home. She showed me that even things that seem way too difficult can be good for us and that we should always take care of the people we love.

Finding Happiness

sunshine soul

happiness not postponed

I’ve been thinking about Happiness. That’s how I know I’m feeling much better. When I can be my usually positive, happy-go-lucky self. It always surprises people when they find out I have clinical depression.  They say but you’re always laughing and smiling. And to that I say thank God for modern medicine and antidepressants!  I had always been pretty darn happy until I got sick. And I have learned to not focus on the fact that I have a chronic illness and just be so grateful that medicine exists to help.  Funny how it’s so much easier to focus on the positive when you’re NOT depressed or bawling your eyes out for absolutely no reason LOL.

I don’t think you can find happiness by chasing it. I think it comes naturally when you learn to enjoy your life and when you’re able to be grateful for all the little things that we usually take for granted. And laughing helps tremendously!  Try to surround yourself with people you enjoy and that make you laugh.

This is a great post by rosieeek over at

Finding Happiness After Losing It

Sometimes, we just get lost. One incident can send you into a downward spiral, a hole you just can’t climb out of.

It can be caused by the death of someone close. Or the death of a stranger. It can be caused by a change of pace, something differing in your life. Bad grades. Bad friends. A broken heart.

And you never really anticipated just how much it would hurt and just how much it would impact your life. You thought you were strong and even if you didn’t, you thought you could at least get through some things on your own. 

To read the rest of the article go to Finding Happiness After Losing It

A Little Weepy

Life has been going really well the last few weeks,  except for a bad sinus infection which made me tired.  Things with my H have been pretty darn great.  He’s definitely been putting in a big effort to connect and be the sweet, loving man I fell in love with. Which of course makes me happier and then I put in more of an effort as well. It’s a slow process and I’m trying to be patient, which is not one of my many virtues lol. This weekend it snowed so we watched movies and ordered pizza. It was a lot of fun.

The last few days I have been a little weepy. I think it’s hormonal and maybe a little bit of my depression. Crying comes and goes, but nothing like it is when the depression gets bad.  I just sometimes get a tiny bit scared thinking, “Is this the day my meds stop working and I turn back into a human vegetable?”  I know it’s not and that I am fine. Luckily as much as I struggle with depression, I have never had a problem with anxiety. Except a few days before my Mom died and I developed this weird eye twitch (very attractive lol). That was NOT a good time, so I think the anxiety can be excused.

I think when I pretend it’s not happening, it just tends to make it worse. I just hate feeling that I have no control over whether I’m happy or sad. But I am calling myself out and being honest about this little ripple. Tonight I am having dinner with my family and that always helps.  I know for me, it really is just a blip and I will be fine in a day or two. And I have absolutely nothing to feel bad, guilty or sorry for. I just have to remind my brain of that!!

invisible illnesses

depression cage


depression flaw chemistry


Always on the Fake

Narcissists are incapable of being real or sincere. Everything they say and do is fake. They are nothing more than empty shells. I cannot imagine a sadder, more pathetic existence can you? This is from the site of a self-proclaimed narcissist. It’s like seeing inside the head of a monster.


Source: Always on the Fake

Fakery, fabrication and lies are the bricks and mortar of our existence. They are the bread and butter that enable us to have sustenance. I know that when you look back at the golden period you always struggle to understand that it was not real. You cannot fathom out how something that felt so right, so true and so real could actually be something so false. Our behaviour seemed so genuine. Our declarations of undying love so moving and emotive, how could this be a façade? Yes you thought occasionally that we were a little over the top but you found that endearing. The reason it seemed so genuine is because our performance was so convincing. This performance was of such a high calibre owing to two things.

A Valuable Lesson I Learned In Life

A reblog of a post from earlier this year.
This may not be a pleasant truth but it is, indeed, a valuable lesson. I was always taught to be good to people and they will be good to you. And yes for the most part you do get back what you give. Unfortunately this IS NOT always the case.

Whether it be in relationships, friendships, coworkers, even a fellow blogger here on WordPress. Some people are just too self-absorbed, screwed up, depressed, moody, disrespectful or just plain weird to reciprocate our kindnesses.

Or even worse, some people mistake kindness for weakness. With me, this mistake is only made once lol. I am very kind but extremely strong and have no problem saying how I feel.

While we cannot control what others do or how they act, we can choose how we respond. Personally I wish them well, wallow for a day or 2, maybe blog about it or write in my journal and then thankfully once I have worked it through in my mind and heart, I just let it go.

Please remember just because someone does not treat you as you do them, it usually has very little to do with you. It is their own difficulties and issues. So just keep being who you are because you are special and wonderful.

Go where the love is 🙂

Positive Outlooks

Life has taught me that you can’t control someone’s loyalty. No matter how good you are to them, doesn’t mean that they will treat you the same. No matter how much they mean to you, doesn’t mean that they’ll value you the same. Sometimes the people you love the most, turn out to be the people you can trust the least. — Trent Shelton

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Beautiful and Inspiring

This clip always makes me cry as she sings so exquisitely. I get chills because it was one of my Mom’s favorite songs and became mine as well (after my Mom almost wore out the CD playing it over and over and over lol). When I was in high school, I was lucky enough to see Le Mis twice years on Broadway.

I think my favorite part, besides the beautiful performance itself, is the reaction from the audience and the judges. I laugh at Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell and the blonde chick getting knocked on their asses after they were all rolling their eyes and laughing at her. I think it’s the only time I’ve ever seen Simon shocked lol.

This teaches all of us to never judge a book by its cover or risk missing out on something truly beautiful and awe-inspiring.  Watching this lifts my spirit and reminds me that anything is possible in life, no matter what age you are. Never give up on your dreams!


never judge

A Time to Fight – And a Time to Let Go

This is such an important article. I agree that there is definitely a time to fight and there is also a time to let go. For some of us letting go is easier than others.

When is the moment that you know you have to let go? This is an important question for all of us. Have I done as much as I can? Is it ok to let go?

Source: A Time to Fight – And a Time to Let Go

Now We Are Free

I thought my stress, sadness and exhaustion the few weeks in December were from the holiday hustle n bustle and all the loss my H and I have suffered. Then I thought maybe it was work. I even scared myself into worrying maybe after all these years on the same meds, they had finally stopped working.

Instead it was my conflicted heart that was causing me so much pain n turmoil. A part of me had been foolishly waiting all these months for Putz to realize how much I mean to him. For him to come after me. But when he emailed and called a lot a few months ago, I realized I no longer believe his lies. I told him no over and over because I don’t trust him with my heart and I seriously doubt I ever could. He stopped being the man I loved and wanted last December. And absolutely nothing has changed in a year.

He put my love in a box a long time ago and has been able to live without it or me. Deep in my heart, I am certain that’s not the kind of man I could ever be truly happy with.

I believe everything happens for a reason and that I was meant to be here for my H when his Mom died. I believe that with all my heart. And no matter what happens in the future, he will always be my family.

And last December Putz’s family was ready to disown him because they still didn’t know the truth about so so. For years she had been poisoning his own family against him and he had no idea. Now they have seen the truth for themselves and they loathe her and her fake selfish ways. He has their love and support and I’m glad for him.

It saddens me to know that he is so unbalanced that he will probably see my no longer wanting him like the bull sees the matador waving the red flag. I am way too old to have any interest in childish, ridiculous games.

Every day he stays in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, he puts his needs above those of his kids. By not facing the truth, he keeps them trapped in a nightmare that they cannot escape from. Until he clearly says, “NO! I WILL NO LONGER LET U ABUSE ME OR OUR CHILDREN” they will all stay miserable forever.

I think choosing to live so many years without real love, companionship, sex and intimacy shows just how damaged he is. Not nearly good enough to be happy but not bad enough to leave. Maybe he’s just comfortable in his unhappiness. He’s actually surprised that even after getting sex, he’s still not happy with a narcissist! Duhh lol

Leaving a narcissistic relationship is one of the hardest, most devastating, break-ups you will ever endure. But survival is indeed a possibility. Narcissists are typically charming, captivating, intelligent and manipulative. They are difficult to let go of, plus it also means coming to terms with the fact that the person you loved was not the person you thought he or she was. Furthermore, it means admitting to the painful and humiliating things you endured during your relationship. And then just when you have the strength to finally leave, the narcissist turns your emotions upside down again with guilt, intimidation or original charm, telling you the exact words you have been waiting to hear (“I love you, I’ll change”, etc.).

By Alexander Burgemeester from the

Thankfully this story already has a happy ending. On New Years Eve, all the desire and compulsive addictive destructive need to contact miraculously disappeared. It’s been such a tremendous gift of peace and acceptance. I’m not yet at my goal of 100% indifference but there are days now when I rarely think of him at all. His part in my story is over, of that I am certain. And the fact that I’m smiling peacefully and with gratitude as I write this? That says more than words could ever convey.

It’s 2016 folks and I am going where the love and amazing sex is 🙂

It’s Monday?






This one totally cracked me up!!! Hope everyone made it through their Monday. I was feeling a little blah this morning, but went to lunch with a friend from work and laughed a lot! Much better now 🙂

Narcissistic Mothers





Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–You Are Not Alone

When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you
are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time.
Many daughters don’t realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold
mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that
think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so
devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly
on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful
she is.

Inside the home she is monstrous. Many of the narcissistic
mothers try to annihilate their children mentally and emotionally.
They pit one child against the other.

Others are cold and unexpressive.
They never have a moment to speak to their daughter. They are always
busy, rushing to work, spending evenings completely out of touch with
their children. Some daughters idealize their mother as a way of
surviving and keeping themselves protected from the truth of her nature.
When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are always in conflict with her. They make efforts to stand up for themselves. But there is the
narcissistic mother’s revenge. These daughters then become a constant
target of scorn, recriminations and threats. Mother promises that she
will help her daughter go to college and at the last moment she pulls
out, saying that she simply can’t afford it. This is an all out lie. She
has gotten her revenge. One of the reasons for the narcissistic
mother’s horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is
exceedingly jealous of her daughter. Often she picks one daughter whom
she targets for the worst abuse. I have known these daughters and they
have weathered horrible abuse–daily intimidations and humiliations. She
constantly undermines this daughter, telling her that she is ugly, that
she smells, that no one is really her friend, that they are pretending
to like her, that no one will ever want to marry her, that she is not
bright enough to go to college, that she has no talents and on and
on—endlessly undermining this child.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers that say: “enough” and leave their households
early. This is very difficult but they find other family members who can
be of some assistance. Sometimes families of their friends provide them
with support. And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.
They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves
and become independent.

 Whatever stage of dealing with your narcissistic mother you are in, I congratulate your courage and fortitude. You know the truth. You are a fine human being. Your mother
is a severe personality disorder. You have prevailed. You are free. Fly and glide like the Monarch butterflies who complete their migration over three generations and thousands of miles–so beautiful so determined, so wonderful.

For a Friend

Lovely red rose and pen on a classic note book

Lovely red rose and pen on a classic note book

When you suffer from severe clinical depression, self-care such as this is an extremely necessary survival skill. It took me so many years to let go of all the guilt I felt when I couldn’t attend every party/function or be whatever everyone else in my life needed me to be. When I had to reschedule plans or take the day off? I would completely beat myself up over it, which obviously only made me feel worse. Eventually I was able to realize how silly it is to feel guilty for having an illness.  I am not weak, lazy or crazy. I certainly didn’t ask to have a chemical imbalance and if there was a way to will it away? Well let’s just say I’m pretty strong-willed to say the least lol.  

We don’t look down on those who suffer from diabetes, cancer, or any other illness that is usually physically noticeable.  So why the hell do so many still look down on mental illness as a character flaw or weakness?  Honestly it really pisses me off. In my opinion? It’s no better than kicking kittens.  

Think about it. When I had cancer, I was just a kid (12 yrs old). Even having cancer and being a kid, I was able to advocate for myself to a large extent. When I had pain, I let them know. When the chemo made me nauseous, I let them known. But when you have depression or other mental illnesses? It’s a whole different ballgame where the decks are stacked against you before you even step on the field.

When I am in a depression, the very nature of my illness makes me feel less than and worthless. Your brain actually tricks you into believing that you don’t deserve to live and that the people you love would be better of without you.  During those moments, the pain is so intense you think it will just swallow you up whole. So how the hell are you supposed to advocate for yourself when you feel like you don’t deserve any better? Like you have in some way caused this pain and nothing will ever get any better.

Thankfully for me, those days are very far and few in between these days.  I’d be lying if I said they don’t still happen.  But now I have an arsenal of tips and tricks that help me and I am able to even tell myself that this feeling is temporary and I will feel better. I know what to expect and I am ready for it.  And the rest of the time? I laugh a lot and I enjoy my life!  I think that makes me pretty darn lucky.