Narcissistic Mothers

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blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–You Are Not Alone

When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you
are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time.
Many daughters don’t realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold
mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that
think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so
devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly
on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful
she is.

Inside the home she is monstrous. Many of the narcissistic
mothers try to annihilate their children mentally and emotionally.
They pit one child against the other.

Others are cold and unexpressive.
They never have a moment to speak to their daughter. They are always
busy, rushing to work, spending evenings completely out of touch with
their children. Some daughters idealize their mother as a way of
surviving and keeping themselves protected from the truth of her nature.
When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are always in conflict with her. They make efforts to stand up for themselves. But there is the
narcissistic mother’s revenge. These daughters then become a constant
target of scorn, recriminations and threats. Mother promises that she
will help her daughter go to college and at the last moment she pulls
out, saying that she simply can’t afford it. This is an all out lie. She
has gotten her revenge. One of the reasons for the narcissistic
mother’s horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is
exceedingly jealous of her daughter. Often she picks one daughter whom
she targets for the worst abuse. I have known these daughters and they
have weathered horrible abuse–daily intimidations and humiliations. She
constantly undermines this daughter, telling her that she is ugly, that
she smells, that no one is really her friend, that they are pretending
to like her, that no one will ever want to marry her, that she is not
bright enough to go to college, that she has no talents and on and
on—endlessly undermining this child.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers that say: “enough” and leave their households
early. This is very difficult but they find other family members who can
be of some assistance. Sometimes families of their friends provide them
with support. And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.
They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves
and become independent.

 Whatever stage of dealing with your narcissistic mother you are in, I congratulate your courage and fortitude. You know the truth. You are a fine human being. Your mother
is a severe personality disorder. You have prevailed. You are free. Fly and glide like the Monarch butterflies who complete their migration over three generations and thousands of miles–so beautiful so determined, so wonderful.

lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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27 thoughts on “Narcissistic Mothers

  1. coastalmom says:

    Wow Debbie!!!
    This is going to be soooo good! I have to buy it and I know someone I have to gift it to! I loved your metaphor of screaming under water! THAT almost brought tears to my eyes because I really GET it. I know your story and I basically had a pretty great mom. But as she is getting older, the filter seems to be slipping and I have realized that a lot of my not so great traits have stemmed from parts of my mom that I never noticed before. Well, I did. But not so prevalently. The way she holds a grudge and is negative about certain people. And I noticed that our family always talked about one another. My sister has told me some things my mom has said about me and it hurts my feelings but then I think… well that’s not mom. But isn’t it? Ya know? It has made me realize lately when my daughter has come to me about something she is upset with a friend over and I have literally had to redirect her. Her response is she was glad she came to me first. But did I cause her to jump to the negative in the way I raised her? It upset me to realize that perhaps. AND to be more aware to know that I have the power to break the cycle! NOW I see how you were conflicted, writing about your mom while she was still alive. As I write to you, I think that it would be a good blog post. But writing to you is enough. I know you understand. And that my friend is why you have to write this book. Just the screaming underwater made me connect so deeply with you that the title of this book … well, oh my! Don’t let it go for too long. Oh, cough, cough, me telling YOU my PUBLISHED AUTHOR friend to not stop writing when I have been stuck for this long! LOL.
    Hey speaking of which… I think that I AM going to take your advice and try to publish some of the poetry that my book inspired me to write. Do you have any guidance on poetry? Also, what about a place where I can go to find photos that I can actually use in my own book if I sell it for profit? Paid or free? Hey by the way, I really love this new look. I know you’ve had it for awhile in this new format but it is really calming here. I could write here all day. LOL Okay! I’ll stop highjacking your blog!
    Love you.
    Praying for your hubby – for a fast and complete healing!
    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. dgkaye says:

    Hi Emma. I wanted to reblog this fantastic article and wanted to make sure who to attribute it to. I noticed the blog ‘The narrcissistinyourlife.com’ was written underneath the article and went to visit there, but your post looked different, in fact, bang on! Just let me know where I should attribute and I’d love to repost. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. dgkaye says:

    Wow! You summed up my mother 95% accurately, The only part that differed was she didn’t call me names, in fact she didn’t have the time of day for me because she was so self-absorbed. Hence, I write. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      • Cat says:

        I have done, a few times. We’ve rarely been in touch for 15yrs and I’ve seen her a couple of strenuous times. I wrote to them at the beginning of therapy saying I wanted no contact. As they’re so distant, this is the easiest thing in the world for me to implement, which is handy! Unfortunately, no contact spills into relations with other close family, but it’s a sacrifice I’m prepared to take. The best thing about no-contact is that I get to hate them as much as I want while I process their damage in therapy. No pretending they’re perfect or that we had a wonderful upbringing by two loving (narcissistic) parents….mmmm…. I could go on..:-)

        Liked by 1 person

          • Cat says:

            Well, mother definitely is, but it’s unclear if dad is also a narc or just a violent bully. When he could no longer control, he distanced himself. We haven’t talked or seen each other in 20yrs. I was the scapegoat, which still puts strain on the relationship with my sister. Are you still in touch with your mother?

            Liked by 1 person

            • emmagc75 says:

              Oh I wish lol. She passed away 6 years ago. But fortunately she was the furthest thing from a narcissist. She was actually an incredibly amazing Mom, loving, kind, full of joy and always supportive. My Dad adored her for 42 years. He has a really great girlfriend who I love. He couldve given up like a friend of his did, dying less than a year after his wife. But he stuck around for all of us and that’s what my Mom wanted 🙂

              Like

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