Now We Are Free

I thought my stress, sadness and exhaustion the few weeks in December were from the holiday hustle n bustle and all the loss my H and I have suffered. Then I thought maybe it was work. I even scared myself into worrying maybe after all these years on the same meds, they had finally stopped working.

Instead it was my conflicted heart that was causing me so much pain n turmoil. A part of me had been foolishly waiting all these months for Putz to realize how much I mean to him. For him to come after me. But when he emailed and called a lot a few months ago, I realized I no longer believe his lies. I told him no over and over because I don’t trust him with my heart and I seriously doubt I ever could. He stopped being the man I loved and wanted last December. And absolutely nothing has changed in a year.

He put my love in a box a long time ago and has been able to live without it or me. Deep in my heart, I am certain that’s not the kind of man I could ever be truly happy with.

I believe everything happens for a reason and that I was meant to be here for my H when his Mom died. I believe that with all my heart. And no matter what happens in the future, he will always be my family.

And last December Putz’s family was ready to disown him because they still didn’t know the truth about so so. For years she had been poisoning his own family against him and he had no idea. Now they have seen the truth for themselves and they loathe her and her fake selfish ways. He has their love and support and I’m glad for him.

It saddens me to know that he is so unbalanced that he will probably see my no longer wanting him like the bull sees the matador waving the red flag. I am way too old to have any interest in childish, ridiculous games.

Every day he stays in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, he puts his needs above those of his kids. By not facing the truth, he keeps them trapped in a nightmare that they cannot escape from. Until he clearly says, “NO! I WILL NO LONGER LET U ABUSE ME OR OUR CHILDREN” they will all stay miserable forever.

I think choosing to live so many years without real love, companionship, sex and intimacy shows just how damaged he is. Not nearly good enough to be happy but not bad enough to leave. Maybe he’s just comfortable in his unhappiness. He’s actually surprised that even after getting sex, he’s still not happy with a narcissist! Duhh lol

Leaving a narcissistic relationship is one of the hardest, most devastating, break-ups you will ever endure. But survival is indeed a possibility. Narcissists are typically charming, captivating, intelligent and manipulative. They are difficult to let go of, plus it also means coming to terms with the fact that the person you loved was not the person you thought he or she was. Furthermore, it means admitting to the painful and humiliating things you endured during your relationship. And then just when you have the strength to finally leave, the narcissist turns your emotions upside down again with guilt, intimidation or original charm, telling you the exact words you have been waiting to hear (“I love you, I’ll change”, etc.).

By Alexander Burgemeester from the NarcissistLife.com

Thankfully this story already has a happy ending. On New Years Eve, all the desire and compulsive addictive destructive need to contact miraculously disappeared. It’s been such a tremendous gift of peace and acceptance. I’m not yet at my goal of 100% indifference but there are days now when I rarely think of him at all. His part in my story is over, of that I am certain. And the fact that I’m smiling peacefully and with gratitude as I write this? That says more than words could ever convey.

It’s 2016 folks and I am going where the love and amazing sex is 🙂

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26 thoughts on “Now We Are Free

  1. learning to live like water says:

    Letting go is hard. It freaked me out to hear from S at first, after 2 months. We’ve talked a lot since, but I don’t feel the ache to see him. I think I’ve let go of a lot, probably a lot to still let go. All we can ask is progress. You have made great progress, and I think I’m holding my own. Big hugs…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Heart Shaped Eyes says:

    So so so so happy for you! Keep up the no contact and you’re good as gold, on the happy path. Astrologically speaking, the week before the new moon which had a super big fresh start gift to it, a lot of people were given a chance to break with bad habits and dispense with anything holding them back. Keep riding that wave! My only caution (based on experiences I’ve had) is not to feel so strong that you undo it by prematurely communicating again. So good to hear that you’re on the happy path!

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thank you so much! Oh no I’m still addicted even though the need for contact is gone. I still have to be vigilant and conscious. And never get too cocky lol. No further communication is necessary. We wasted 100s of hours talking this year n I don’t want to do that again. I’m good and starting fresh. Hugs to u xo!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. laurelwolfelives says:

    I have this song on my IPOD. It is so beautiful. Is it going to be your “fight song?” I always wanted to have a bang-up “divorce parry” and one of my daughters said she would throw it for me…but alas, it didn’t materialize. Maybe she’ll throw Lower and his WTC a bridal party instead.
    So glad for you. I hope you can keep up your strength and determination. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thanks Laurel! Hubby is actually not feeling well but we are having some intimacy. He has a lingering cough so dr wants a ct scan. A woman I work with threw her own little divorce party. It was fun lol. Hope u are well xo!

      Liked by 1 person

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