When I was 20 my Uncle (who I love but who talks out of his ass quite frequently lol) told me depression doesn’t exist. I remember laughing even back then and saying that I really wished he was right! LOL Fortunately my meds were working at the time or I would have burst into tears. Not quiet tears either. The kind of crying where it sounds like the person is hyperventilating lol. My parents had prepared me well for situations like this. And I guess I had enough self-confidence and belief in myself to realize that what he was saying was complete nonsense.
Many years later, he had open heart surgery and went through a depression for about a year afterward. He has obviously changed his views on the topic, but it never really bothered me. I have never forgotten it, but I know he loves me and he’s just old school Italian/Irish from Brooklyn. One of his daughters has depression and 2 of his grandkids as well. This is my Dad’s family, so I guess it runs in both sides of my family.
A few days ago a fellow blogger said something that threw me for a loop. This blogger has strong opinions and I have always appreciated his comments and his posts. But we were talking about chemical imbalances and he said that he didn’t believe in them!!! I thought he was kidding because I HAVE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE and I know he himself suffers from depression. I am aware that for him it comes from a difficult childhood and problems with his Mother, etc. I was taken back when he said we had to agree to disagree on whether chemical imbalances was just a theory or not!!!! Seriously!?!?!?!
Well, I was a little hurt and offended but I let it go because I know the truth and I am way past the age where I need to prove anything to anyone. You know the saying opinions are like aholes? Everybody has one lol. The next day another blogger commented in reply, calling him on what he had said. It definitely made me feel better that other people see how ridiculous the whole idea is. It’s like saying cancer or diabetes is a theory!! It’s completely disrespectful and offensive to those of us that suffer from a chemical imbalance.
When I got sick, I was 18. I had no problems or issues. I had great friends, a loving boyfriend, an amazing family and a 4.0 GPA. It didn’t make any sense that I just started crying 24/7 for no reason. Suddenly, I was so sad and in so much friggin pain. It felt like a big black hole was getting bigger and bigger. I felt worthless, weak, ugly and pathetic. As this is not my normal personality, then or now, I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance which for me causes severe clinical treatment-resistant depression. This diagnosis has been backed up over the years by a physician, a psychiatrist, a psychopharmacologist, and a social worker. Believe me, for years I hated the fact that I was upset about nothing!!! There was no reason for my depression and it felt so unfair. Because if there were reasons, there was something to solve or work through. This was just so arbitrary yet still completely debilitating.
Now things have happened over the last 20 years that have given me plenty of reasons to be depressed. But that’s life isn’t it? I lost my amazing Mom, my 2 cousins, my Uncle, etc. But this blogger started saying that because I post about narcissism that I obviously have psychological issues. Well, I have never been in an abusive relationship with anyone, much less a narcissist. He also went on to USE MY BLOG POSTS AS PROOF THAT I DIDN’T HAVE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE!!! That I have trauma and problems blah blah blah.
Obviously he didn’t like being told by this other blogger (who was totally right and not unkind) that he was wrong. And as he does have anger management issues, he took it out on me. The simple fact is he needed to be right more than he needed to be kind.
I am a very forgiving person and try not to hold grudges so if he had just acknowledged that he was wrong to use my choice of blog posts to show why I’m depressed and try to tell me about MY ILLNESS? I would’ve accepted it and wiped the slate clean. But he seems to think he has done nothing wrong and that’s just not acceptable to me.
I am a good and kind person but let me make one thing perfectly clear. NO ONE has the right to tell me my medically documented illness is a FUCKIN THEORY, especially on MY BLOG!!! Not now and not ever!! And then to take it further and basically tell me that he doesn’t believe all the medical professionals but yet he doesn’t want to be accused of attacking me, AS HE WAS ATTACKING ME?!?!? I might be kind and forgiving, but I’m strong and I was really pissed.
I have always been prepared to defend myself against ignorant people that know nothing about mental illness. I just never thought I would have to defend myself against people that HAVE mental illnesses!