Failure Is A Part Of A Great Life — Positive Outlooks Blog

Give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up! Everyone makes mistakes, has setbacks and failures. You don’t come with a book on how to get it right all the time. You will fail sometimes, not because you planned to, but simply because you’re human. Failure is a part of creating a great life. — Les […]

via Failure Is A Part Of A Great Life — Positive Outlooks Blog

This is something I struggle with at times.  I don’t beat myself up, but I don’t like to fail.  I’m trying to accept that everyone will fail sometimes.  It helps us grow and evolve as people.  That isn’t such a bad thing 🙂

The Universe Provides & Karma

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what you put out

 

Put out goodness

be a reflection give respect

I am a firm believer in the idea that what you give out into the world is what you get back most of the time.  It may not always feel like that some days, but it has been my experience.

When I’m sad, down, lonely or just blah it seems like I always encounter someone in my life who makes me smile, laugh and feel less alone.  I try to remember to be grateful for all that I have and for all those that take time out of their day to brighten mine.

Now this only relates to us regular folks WITHOUT a personality disorder like narcissists or sociopaths.  When dealing with those kind of sick twisted individuals, the normal rules definitely do not apply.  They have no common decency or compassion. Just try to have as little contact with them as humanly possible and stay out of their way.

This is my hectic time at work and it’s pretty chaotic and busy.I haven’t been as active in reading blogs and commenting as I used to be.  I go through phases where I’m very active and then other times I just get so overwhelmed by all the blogs I follow.  Keeping up with all of them can at times feel like a full time job lol.  So I hope this explains my absence the last week.  I hope everyone is doing well! I’ve missed you guys xoxo.

Things are really well with my hubby and I am no longer in contact with P.  I’m going to Florida this Saturday for a week to lay in the sun and relax.  I really cannot wait! I haven’t been away for a long, long time (except to the lake house which is great but not like a real vacation lol).  I am and will continue to go where the love is!

 

20 Great Quotes about Mindfulness

Brandy Eve Allen

For as quiet and serene as most mindfulness landscapes and experts appear, the actual act of becoming conscious and aware of oneself, one’s thoughts and one’s environment is remarkably difficult, at least at first. There are so many distractions in today’s world that keep us looking for something else, someone else, and even…

via 20 Quotes About Mindfulness For When You Need To Find Your Way Back To The Present Moment — Thought Catalog

Tacky Tuesday

My friend at work just showed me this clip and I thought it was hysterical!!!  Obviously I am a huge fan of silly stupid funny. I think this was cemented more than ever after my Mom died. My Dad and I watched the first Hangover movie and we almost peed our pants laughing so friggin hard!!  It was the first time we were actually able to forget that she was gone and enjoy ourselves for more than 5 minutes. We just kept rewinding the funny parts and howling!!  To this day, those movies can always cheer me up.  Especially since we taught my nephew (he was 3 1/2 at the time) to say, “THEY SHOT EDDIE!!!”  He used to yell it out to us from my brother’s deck as we were leaving.  Needless to say, my sister-in-law did NOT find this as comical as we did.  But hey it sure used to help on those days where I couldn’t even believe the sun still came up sometimes.  I say whatever works right?

On a side note, it feels like I have been working through things and feelings for so very long now.  So much hurt, sadness, pain and anger.  Obviously it was one of the reasons this blog has helped me so very much. Since I have been able to forgive all that happened, I just really want to stay happy and grateful.  It’s not always easy but it’s working so far.  My life is actually pretty tame now and drama free.  That’s just the way I like it.

I hope that’s okay 🙂

 

 

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T Req making bed

Late Monday

what day is it Monday

This is usually me on a Monday morning, I’m not gonna lie 🙂

Monday wish

Surprisingly, I am feeling pretty darn well for a Monday!  I am down 12 lbs. in 6 weeks.  Since I started doing the Biggest Loser at work 2 years ago, I have lost about 33 lbs. I had a great weekend just puttering around the house doing chores and spending some quality time with hubby. I plan to continue riding this wave of happiness as long as I can lol.

How is everyone doing today? I hope you are having a wonderful day. And if not, just remember tomorrow’s another day. Hugs and love to you xoxo!

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Withdrawal & Love Addiction

It’s a rainy day here in NY. I am enjoying it with my hubby. We are snuggled up watching old game shows from the 70s n 80’s. Now we’re watching the original Annie. You know a man truly loves you if he will happily watch Annie for the first time just to spend time with you! LOL I’m going where the love is!!!

This is a great article that I thought might help a few of my friends. Hugs n love to you all!

Withdrawal: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Withdrawal makes love addiction different from codependency. Like any other addict, a love addict wants a fix — in this case, the object of his or her obsession. That could be a particular person, or a relationship in general. So what happens when that “substance” goes away?

There are two ways a love addict enters withdrawal: They’ve ended the relationship or tried to. Or his or her partner has left the relationship — explicitly, or by becoming obsessed with his or her own addictive behavior. As soon as the love addict feels the other person’s absence, it will trigger feelings of loss.

For most people, loss evokes emotions such as sadness. Healthy adults know how to manage these emotions. But for love addicts, in addition to normal feelings of loneliness, grief, anger, and fear, all their childhood trauma issues are triggered, too. Any unresolved childhood issues around abandonment, fear, anger, jealousy, insecurity, guilt, shame, and loss are going to combine with the current adult experience to create one perfect storm. It’s intense, devastating, and overwhelming, and often the love addict feels out of control in the face of it.

If withdrawal occurs because the addict’s partner left, you can add to this unexpected and unplanned shocks. The addict might face economic changes, having to move, the impact on any children, and dealing with a possible affair or other addiction fallout. It is difficult to describe the totality of the impact.

Love addicts, to get into recovery, need to be able to endure these intense emotions. Doing so long enough will help them face the fact of their addiction; begin to heal their childhood issues; take responsibility for themselves; and begin a new path that includes healthy relating. They will need a lot of support to get through this phase.

Here are some of the things love addicts may be tempted to do while they are experiencing withdrawal:

  • Go back to the relationship. It is possible to heal a love addiction without ending a relationship, but it requires putting the relationship on hold for a significant amount of time. You can’t be in an actively dysfunctional relationship and try to heal your addiction.
  • Contact the old partner. If the relationship is over, a love addict is going to be tempted to reestablish contact. This will lead to an attempt to go back to the relationship.
  • Stalk the old partner. Rage and jealousy can become intense. If there is a third party involved (or if one is suspected), the addict may be tempted to stalk their old partner. Once withdrawal takes over, the brain isn’t in any place to be logical or rational. It’s being run by intense emotions that go back to childhood. There’s a raging and scared child at the wheel and all kinds of things make sense to a child that don’t make sense to adults.
  • Get even. If you’ve got a raging and scared child in charge, then that child might also devise all kinds of ways to get even. Have an affair of your own. Spend all the money. Show up at the partner’s office and make a scene. Ruin something important or valuable. Say anything and everything in order to cause pain.

Remember, the addict’s brain has been hijacked by addiction withdrawal. There is no logical reasoning going on here. The primary goal of the brain in withdrawal is to get the addictive substance back and stop all the pain. So love addicts in withdrawal hear messages in their heads that sound something like:

  • I can’t live without him or her. I need him or her.
  • I can still make this work. It has to work. I need to give it one more chance.
  • He or she is supposed to be with me. We were supposed to be together. We were meant for each other.
  • It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to work out. I didn’t want it to be like this. Why is it like this?

It’s important to understand how addiction works. Get help and support to get through this phase. Because it does pass. Remember, as my therapist reminds me: these terrifying and overwhelming emotions are just neurons firing in grooves that were formed in and informed by pain long before this relationship started.

Our job in recovery is to form new grooves formed in and informed by love, acceptance, compassion, and patience. If we can tolerate the pain without acting on it, we are already forming new grooves. That’s the beginning of progress.

But it’s not enough to simply stand there in pain and do nothing. Get yourself to a 12-step meeting. Call a friend who gets it — someone who will completely support you, not just take your side, tell you what you want to hear, or start telling you what you need to do.

Write in your journal. Get those feelings out of you and somewhere else. Process them somehow. Yell at a tree. Throw eggs at the ground. Cry. If you’re like me, sob. Get it out. Be comfortable with your intensity and recognize that you’re not dying, nothing bad is happening, you’re not going back to your old behaviors. That’s when you’ll know you’re making progress.

Every now and then, something seemingly innocuous, like an empty pizza box, can trigger intense feelings of withdrawal for me. I’m always caught off guard when that happens. But I’m learning that every time it does, I can just allow those feelings to pass through me and out.

I can cry, shake, yell, rant, pace, whatever, and as long as I don’t pick up the phone to call, text, email, or do anything that..
To read the rest of this article go to http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/07/withdrawal-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/

How To Forget Someone

How To Forget Someone by Om Swami

People go through ups and downs all the time. On the journey of life, we meet a mix of travelers. It is unlikely that we will only meet a certain type, or only those we like or dislike. After all, it is not a one-way road. At any time, the traffic flows both in and against our direction. Sometimes some people or events can hurt you so bad that you just want to erase them from your memory. You have even forgiven them, you want to move on but you find yourself unable to do so. Take it easy. It’s only human.

There are generally two possibilities that make you remember anyone: either you love that person or you hate that person. And there are only three reasons that make you want to forget somebody. One, their thought wells up negative emotions in you and throws you off-balance. Two, you still love them deeply but they have moved on. Three, despite your love, they don’t love you back. In any case, it hurts. If their memory doesn’t trigger any positive or negative emotion in you, there would be no need to forget that person. In fact, if you neither love nor hate the person you are trying to forget, you will forget them automatically. When their memory sparks neither good nor bad in you, it means you have moved on. But what to do when you do want to forget them? Read on.

If you find yourself thinking about that person, hold a mini self-dialog as the first step. Accept that you are missing them and that you are hurt. Talk to yourself. Repeat it a few times and watch your mind releasing the thought of that person. Releasing their memory is crucial if you want to forget them. A while back, I wrote an article on how to take your mind off unwanted thoughts during your meditation. You can read it here. Apply the same principle.

Give yourself time and each time their thought arises, simply and gently focus your mind elsewhere. Promise yourself that anytime you are reminded of them, you will not let that ruin your peace. And the way to protect your peace is to shift your focus. This is the most powerful method I know of. When the one you love leaves you, it creates a void in your life, a hole in your heart. You keep falling in that pit. You need to fill that gaping hole somehow. It is not easy but it can be done. When their memories come knocking on the doors of your heart, shift your attention. If you can divert your thoughts at that time, gradually the imprints will become lighter, the intensity of their memories will start to diminish.

Two kids found a pouch containing fifteen silver coins. One had spotted it and the other had picked it up. Each claimed ownership of the find. This led to an argument and ultimately they approached the wise Mulla Nasruddin with their quandary.

“Hmmm…so you want me to resolve the matter?”
“Yes, please,” both said in unison.
“Alright, I’ll divide the coins between you two. But tell me, do you want me to do justice like a human or God?”
“Please do as God would.”
He counted the coins and gave twelve to one and three to the other. While they both stood there bewildered, said Mulla plainly, “That’s how He operates.”

Life can be unfair. When trying to forget someone, avoid any intellectual analysis like why it happened to you or how could they do this to you etc.. If you start to dissect, you will only sink in deeper.  Any cogitation will only depress you more, it will drag you back to the field of memories — and that’s exactly what we want to avoid here. Trust me on this one. Simply take your mind off.

Both love and hate fetter you. You cannot forget anyone by continuing to love or hate them. If you want to forget them, you must become indifferent towards them. You become indifferent when you rise above the duality of love and hatred. Both love and hate touch our heart, whatever touches our heart leaves an imprint on our mind. It is those imprints that make up our memory store. It is for this reason that Vedic and other spiritual texts preach one to remain even. Being even is a step higher than being indifferent. Because being even is being indifferent with compassion, with empathy.

The greater the number of memories you have with someone, the harder it is to move on. Because memories indicate a commitment of time. The number of memories is directly proportional to the amount of time you invested with the person. How big or how easily an investment can one write off varies from one person to another. You cannot erase a person from your mind by trying to not think about them.

To read the rest of this article go to http://omswami.com/2013/09/how-to-forget-someone.html

 

 

 

Narcissists & Intimacy

Narcissists & Intimacy

Written by Alexander Burgemeester

If you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you may find that the relationship is less intimate than you thought it was. It is probably intense, time-consuming, long-lasting, and uses a great deal of your mental energy—but intense is not the same as intimate. An important test of intimacy is to ask yourself the following questions: “is this relationship a safe haven where I feel loved and accepted for being me?” and “do I trust the other person and do they trust me?”  If you cannot answer ‘yes’ to both of those questions, read on.

A narcissist can be extremely good at giving the appearance of intimacy… and she will turn it on and off at her pleasure. She may run hot and cold- going in and out of being highly somatic and needing a sex partner. When she’s needy, she offers intimations of intimacy that are very appealing and hard to resist. It’s easy for her partner to think this time she’ll be different, but… she’ll go back to being selfish immediately once she’s got her gratification. Narcissists are the ultimate users.

Fear of Intimacy

People with personality disorders are fearful of real, mature intimacy. Mind you, intimacy is formed not only within a couple, but also in a workplace, in a neighborhood, with friends, or while collaborating on a project. Intimacy requires emotional involvement; it is the result of interactions with others in constant and predictable (safe) close relationships.

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder interpret intimacy as codependence, emotional strangulation, and the demise of freedom. They are terrified by it and avoid it; their self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors are intended to tear apart the very foundation of a successful relationship, career, project, or friendship. Narcissists feel elated and relieved after they unshackle these ‘chains’. Narcissists are simply indifferent, callous and careless in their treatment of others. Their abusive behavior is usually offhanded and absent-minded, although when they feel threatened or are in the devaluation process their behavior can be calculated and premeditated.

Emotional intimacy occurs when we share ourselves deeply with another person. Mutual trust is required in order to feel safe and secure with another person. Narcissists are not able to truthfully share or trust. Some narcissists are truly gifted at pretending and appearing emotionally invested in you. They are often unusually attentive in the beginning, idealizing you, and offering to meet all of your needs and more. Narcissists can appear to be exceptionally sincere and many people fall for this act.

Development of Intimacy

We learn to be emotionally intimate when we are very young children. It begins with a secure, loving attachment to a parent. The child who feels securely attached is able to express his\her feelings openly without shame or fear. The parent is in tune with the child and able to comfort him when he is frightened, confused or angry.  As a result of psychological needs being met by a parent, the child learns to trust others and feel secure about himself as a person. Mothers of narcissists are not good parents; they reward the child, whom they regard as special and superior, as long as he/she reflects the desired parental image. These children are highly praised, and prized, in the narcissistic family- not for who they genuinely are- but for fulfillment of the wishes or dreams of the narcissistic parent. As a result, the narcissist never learns in early childhood how to become emotionally intimate. Because she/he is not loved for being her/his real self, the narcissist never learns to relate to themselves on a deep emotional level nor can they reciprocate any real affection or love for another, even their children.

Consider friendship with the narcissist as another example of a relationship. You cannot truly get to know a narcissist friend. You cannot be genuine friends with the narcissist for all the reasons above. Plus narcissists are addicts. They are in constant pursuit of gratification, known as “narcissistic supply”.  Everything and everyone around them is an object, a potential source of narcissistic supply (to be idealized) or not a source (to be cruelly discarded).

Narcissists can be happily married… to compliant, subservient, self-deprecating and indiscriminately supportive spouses. They also can be happily married to masochists. However, a healthy, normal person would not be happy in an intimate-less narcissistic relationship.

Intimacy versus Intensity

Many partners of individuals with NPD confuse intimacy and intensity. Real intimacy has to do with trust, understanding, and feeling understood. People who are intimate (we don’t mean sex here) reveal personal vulnerabilities without fear that what they share will be used against them. Intimacy relies on feeling safe, mutuality, endurance, respect and no secrets. Without healthy self-disclosure at the right time, there can be no intimacy. And that takes honesty about who we are and how we feel. Narcissists are unable to be honest with themselves, let alone other people.

Intensity on the other hand, has to do with secrecy, lack of trust, high drama, fear and disrespect. Intensity with a narcissist is spent in fantasy, the cycle of idealization and devaluation, bitter arguments followed up by apologies and make-up sex. Sharing our deepest selves as a part of mutual sharing is fundamental to a sustained, mutually satisfying relationship. Unfortunately, narcissists don’t allow themselves to know their own vulnerabilities or feelings so they are unable to share with others.

Another factor that makes intimacy possible in a healthy relationship is being able to see both the good and bad traits of the partner at the same time. Again, this is not something narcissists can do. In their world, everything is black or white, good or bad (splitting).

Sex versus Intimacy

In a recent issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, University of Florida researchers found that narcissists are fixated on sexual gratification rather than enduring intimacy. (That’s probably not a surprise to anyone in a narcissistic relationship). Narcissists are more likely to have a history of short-term sexual conquests compared to people who consider commitment the most important aspect of a relationship. “Narcissists have a heightened sense of sexuality, but they tend to view sex very differently than other people do; they see sexuality more in terms of power, influence and as something daring, in contrast to people with low narcissistic qualities who associated sex more with caring and love.”

To read the rest of this article go to http://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-and-intimacy/

Forgiveness & Letting Go

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It’s been quite a long time since I have written about P. That is mostly because there hasn’t been anything to write about. Except for a very regrettable drunk call I made back in February, we have not spoken in months.  I have let him go in most ways, but there was always something missing.  No matter how hard I tried, I had been unable to forgive him. Even though I knew it was for me, not him, I just could not seem to manage it.

While letting go is a process that happens over time and with continued effort, I believe forgiveness is a one shot deal.  Either you forgive someone or you don’t.  Once you forgive, it’s done and you can’t undo it.  Now this doesn’t mean that you forget or keep forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts you.  That’s abusing yourself and allowing others to do the same.

Unfortunately as much as we want to forgive and/or let go of what hurts us, sometimes we just simply aren’t ready.  I had let go months ago but I was still missing that last piece of the puzzle.  I knew it was time to forgive and I wanted to very much, but something wouldn’t let me. I tried over and over again to no avail.  I was better in so many ways and happy for the first time in over a year.

Then P called to wish me a happy birthday. I was actually pretty surprised and not very gracious lol. He was kind and it was nice catching up.  And as we were talking, the most amazing thing happened.  All that pain, sadness, anger and rejection I have felt for over a year now?  It just disappeared!  I forgave him and I feel so free!!  I literally feel lighter and even happier than I have been the last few months.  It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

He told me he loved me and still loves me.  That is why he can’t have me in his life.  It hurts and confuses him. It’s too hard and it’s not healthy.  I understand that and I agree. He says his narcissist (so so) has been trying to treat him better and he’s okay. I told him that my H and I are doing really well and I’m happy.  I thanked him for letting me go and removing me from all that dysfunction.  I’m at peace and I am going to continue to go where the love is!

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