It’s been quite a long time since I have written about P. That is mostly because there hasn’t been anything to write about. Except for a very regrettable drunk call I made back in February, we have not spoken in months. I have let him go in most ways, but there was always something missing. No matter how hard I tried, I had been unable to forgive him. Even though I knew it was for me, not him, I just could not seem to manage it.
While letting go is a process that happens over time and with continued effort, I believe forgiveness is a one shot deal. Either you forgive someone or you don’t. Once you forgive, it’s done and you can’t undo it. Now this doesn’t mean that you forget or keep forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts you. That’s abusing yourself and allowing others to do the same.
Unfortunately as much as we want to forgive and/or let go of what hurts us, sometimes we just simply aren’t ready. I had let go months ago but I was still missing that last piece of the puzzle. I knew it was time to forgive and I wanted to very much, but something wouldn’t let me. I tried over and over again to no avail. I was better in so many ways and happy for the first time in over a year.
Then P called to wish me a happy birthday. I was actually pretty surprised and not very gracious lol. He was kind and it was nice catching up. And as we were talking, the most amazing thing happened. All that pain, sadness, anger and rejection I have felt for over a year now? It just disappeared! I forgave him and I feel so free!! I literally feel lighter and even happier than I have been the last few months. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
He told me he loved me and still loves me. That is why he can’t have me in his life. It hurts and confuses him. It’s too hard and it’s not healthy. I understand that and I agree. He says his narcissist (so so) has been trying to treat him better and he’s okay. I told him that my H and I are doing really well and I’m happy. I thanked him for letting me go and removing me from all that dysfunction. I’m at peace and I am going to continue to go where the love is!