It’s been quite a long time since I have written about P. That is mostly because there hasn’t been anything to write about. Except for a very regrettable drunk call I made back in February, we have not spoken in months. I have let him go in most ways, but there was always something missing. No matter how hard I tried, I had been unable to forgive him. Even though I knew it was for me, not him, I just could not seem to manage it.
While letting go is a process that happens over time and with continued effort, I believe forgiveness is a one shot deal. Either you forgive someone or you don’t. Once you forgive, it’s done and you can’t undo it. Now this doesn’t mean that you forget or keep forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts you. That’s abusing yourself and allowing others to do the same.
Unfortunately as much as we want to forgive and/or let go of what hurts us, sometimes we just simply aren’t ready. I had let go months ago but I was still missing that last piece of the puzzle. I knew it was time to forgive and I wanted to very much, but something wouldn’t let me. I tried over and over again to no avail. I was better in so many ways and happy for the first time in over a year.
Then P called to wish me a happy birthday. I was actually pretty surprised and not very gracious lol. He was kind and it was nice catching up. And as we were talking, the most amazing thing happened. All that pain, sadness, anger and rejection I have felt for over a year now? It just disappeared! I forgave him and I feel so free!! I literally feel lighter and even happier than I have been the last few months. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
He told me he loved me and still loves me. That is why he can’t have me in his life. It hurts and confuses him. It’s too hard and it’s not healthy. I understand that and I agree. He says his narcissist (so so) has been trying to treat him better and he’s okay. I told him that my H and I are doing really well and I’m happy. I thanked him for letting me go and removing me from all that dysfunction. I’m at peace and I am going to continue to go where the love is!
I’m glad you were able to forgive him. Glad you are better, too. 💙
LikeLiked by 1 person
It has been a huge blessing. We did get sucked back into talking but that’s over n all is well, except my cold lol.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Forgiveness – I seek it all the time. I forgave my mother. But I have a backlog of people I am working on forgiving. I know this sounds like I think I am perfect and that no one has suffered at the hands of me. So I must therefore forgive myself also. When we know better we do better as they say. Forgiveness will come if you see it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Louise, you DO have a bunch of people to forgive. I wish we had more control over it. But I’m very grateful I was finally able to and I feel good.
LikeLiked by 1 person
PS Happy Birthday!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks 🙂
LikeLike
Oh man, I’m so happy for you. So happy. When S first called me, that’s how I felt. It was all over…we were friends, intimate friends, but just friends. It was nice to remove all the ugliness. I wish it had remained that way. Maybe again some day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
He asked me if I could see him and not need to touch him n I said yes but why risk it? He said he would need to kiss me but maybe someday he wouldn’t. But I won’t risk setting myself up to get hurt again. I learned, partly from what happened to you Deb, to believe someone when they show us who they are. And honestly, I would not survive it this time. So while I forgive him n have let it all go? I’m staying with my H n going where the love is lol!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yep. I get it. It’s why I will not unblock S. I don’t know if he wants to reach me or not, but I can let go and stay that way as long as I don’t see him or talk to him. And I know who he is…but I also know how I felt about him. It’s not the same now, but not sure I could not want to be with him. You were smart. I don’t even have anyone in the background, but I’m not going to set myself up again. Nope. Big hugs….
xo
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes but I am smarter because of you, Megan, etc. Just think you helped someone else from more pain. That’s a positive impact from a painful chapter. Thank you xo.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s the greatest gift, really, to know your experience helps someone else. I’m grateful to know that. Really, especially tonight. I’m running through some old grief, and it’s more than helpful. xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh I’m sorry Deb! Grief is complicated isn’t it? But it’s temporary as u know. There are better days ahead! Hugs to u xo.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes….very complicated. Didn’t expect to revisit things I thought I was finished with. But getting through it. xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sending you lots of love xo.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks. 💗
LikeLiked by 1 person
Smiling so big right now❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Rita! Huge hugs xo!
LikeLiked by 1 person
So happy for you, Em
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww thanks Rita! I’m just happy being happy lol. Depression n hormones suck! Any plans this weekend?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nothing but relax with family and work on my website. You?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Today I’m relaxing too. Hubby getting dinner n a movie 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
That sounds so great, Em! I’m happy for you. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! I’m happy too that I didn’t make a huge mistake I would’ve eventually regretted.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too! 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person