Ways to Stop Missing our Abuser

Here’s another repost. Cleaning out my closet today. I’m not really sure what I’m going to find lol. Have a great day!

So very true! Sadly, this keeps many people stuck miserable for years.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse

It is hard to let go of the idealized image we had of the abuser. Letting go of the perfect partner we once believed we had, is a process, not a single act of will.

The narcissist or psychopath that seduced you into their lair, got into your mind in a way that normal people never do.

The narcissist is especially gifted at getting into your head and learning many things about you. They learn what your ideal is of the perfect partner.

They are able to transform themselves, cleverly and accurately, into the partner of your deepest dreams. They play their role of this perfect partner until they have you devoted to them.

They create a constant connection with you, that makes you feel like you are an important, desired, part of their lives.

They get your happy chemicals flowing, like dopamine.

The constant contact creates an increased need…

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The Most Devastating Tactic in the Narcissist’s Tool Kit

A very honest depiction of life on the narcissist’s rollercoaster! From thenarcissistswife.com

Source: The Most Devastating Tactic in the Narcissist’s Tool Kit

On a daily basis, the narcissist provides his victim with endless opportunities for misery, pain, and frustration. From petty defiance and his refusal to meet the basic human needs of his spouse, to blaming his every failure on her and projecting all his garbage onto her… the crazy-making circus of the narcissist is in full swing.

This destructive, not to mention toxic, pattern of behavior makes for endless days of wishing you could simply sprout wings and fly away, or possibly just be lucky enough to slip into some kind of coma, where this never-ending, insufferable bullshit just doesn’t exist. But, alas, these daydreams never come true so, you’re left to deal with the daily onslaught of despair-inducing tactics completely conscious. Bummer.

The one upside is that, after a while, you come to expect the daily misery. Anger, resentment, and depression are absolutely normal for the staus quo. It becomes “just the way life is”. Nothing less. Nothing more. Until… you start to get fed up. Your survival instinct kicks in, and your emotional brain starts to shut down in defense against the constant pain of rejection and disregard. You withdraw from the narcissist. You stop giving him the almighty supply that he needs to survive and, of course, this makes him take notice.

While the narcissist lacks empathy, he does possess a skill called “cold empathy”. This is the ability to read the subtle, nonverbal,  emotional cues of others  of the people around you (like empathy) but, instead of processing the information received in order to establish or maintain a connection with the person you are ‘reading’, the narcissist can only see the emotional cues of others as it relates himself. This ‘cold empathy’ helps the narcissist to determine which of his nasty tactics. he ought to be using in any given situation, to try and exert the greatest amount of control.

His cold empathy skill alerts the narcissist to the fact that you’re fed up and shut down, long before you’ve even realized for sure that that is, in fact, what’s going on with you, and he unconsciously acknowledges that drastic measures will have to be taken before he loses his life-giving supply. And so… something strange begins to happen.

You notice that the narcissist is acting – well…nice. He tells a joke, and you laugh with him. He says something insensitive but, before you can even open your mouth to protest, he is sincerely apologizing for his thoughtless comment, and are you ok?  You’re taken aback. Where did THAT comes from?, you wonder. You’re immediately suspicious…as you well should be…but his kindness and new-found sensitivity persist throughout the day.

Something inside of you softens a bit.

If you knew better, you’d run while you still had life in you to do so… but you don’t know any better, so you climb into bed at the end of the day, and instinctively reach for your mate. He wraps you up in his arm and caresses your back, and your shoulders, and your face. You sigh and close your eyes. A small smile playing on your lips. He whispers in your ear, “I’m so sorry…for everything. You’re safe now. I love you.”

For the first time, in you can’t even remember how long, you really, truly, DO  feel safe…

Oh…you poor thing. How I wish I could spare you what is about to come.

The next day, or so, is a whirlwind of love and kindness and romantic moments. You can’t remember ever being this happy before. The narcissist has transformed into the soul mate you’ve longed for your whole life. It seems as though your dreams have all come true, and you’re floating through your days in a heady bliss.

But then, the dark clouds start to gather above, and the narcissist’s facade slips. An insensitive remark, but this time no apology- no understanding. Little by little, over the course of the third day, the narcissist’s loving mask is completely torn away, and you’re face to face with the same malicious, spiteful, and petty man you know all too well.

Your heart splinters, and shatters inside your chest. The pain so acute, you’re sure you’ve possibly collapsed a lung, or are having a heart attack. Every last bit of joy and light is sucked from the world and you’re plunged into a dark void unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. You reach out to the narcissist- show him the tears he’s caused you to cry- but he just turns his back, indifferent to your anguish, and walks away.

There is nothing left for you to do but scream in utter despair. Why? How could he do such a thing? How could anyone play such a cruel trick on another human being? Is he evil?

You try to get angry… you want to rage against the narcissist’s foul trick- just pack your bags and get the hell out. But you’re feeling too hopeless. Trapped. Lifeless.

What’s the point? Everything you loved and held dear was gone now…never even existed in the first place. Why even bother doing anything? And as you resign yourself to life in the dark, by the side of your narcissist, he realizes that his plan was a success. You won’t be leaving him anytime soon. Not as beaten down as you are now.

You’re not going anywhere… you’ll stay right where you are and continue to feed the narcissist his supply, like a good little girl.

In the back of your mind you wonder what the hell happened to you? How did things get this bad? And the answer is…

You’ve been love-bombed.

Sick

image

He almost fooled me again. But in the end, she was right. As sick and vulgar as it is, he IS her bitch and will probably never leave her. So now he deserves all the misery and unhappiness she will cause.

I will never let him anywhere near me again. I have wasted more than enough time, affection and tears on that selfish sick fool. He is dead to me and I don’t care what happens to him now.

After kicking her out of the bedroom, telling her he wants a separation and hiring an attorney, she said she doesn’t want that and she wouldn’t call the attorney/ mediator. Then she said she has a mental problem and will get help. Yeah right! Lol Just like she said she wanted to go to marriage counseling a year ago n went a few times. He went by himself all year to a really nice but completely clueless therapist whose advice made him more addicted to her and told him to do whatever makes her happy!!!! After 10 months, he finally diagnosed her as a narcissist but has no experience with narcissistic personality or abuse.

I’m sure you can guess what happened next. HE TOOK HER BACK! And after 3 1/2 years without sex with her and a year since me, he finally got to have sex with his narcissist. The pathetic part is he needed a viagra to do it lol. This was the final straw for me. The viagra shows he planned it and for me that’s completely unforgivable. He said he feels so bad, like a total slime. Yeah and?

He also told me he has this sick perverted fantasy of watching her and the other guy have sex!!!! Words cannot describe what a depraved, twisted sicko he has become. He said he knows it’s sick and obviously connected to the years of accepting her abuse. She’s definitely still having an affair. She screwed the guy in a hotel she paid for last week! All this dysfunction, perversion and toxic behavior has me needing another shower to wash the filth off.

When she stops being sweet and goes back to her cruel narcissistic self? He cannot contact me. I have blocked him everywhere. Cell, home, text, email, FB, Instagram, even Pinterest lol. I have no desire to ever see or speak to him again.

I finally realize that he has spent the last year kissing her ass, working out, getting tan, and turning himself into the perfect partner for a narcissist. And she ridiculed him for trying to please her. He is now as fake, superficial and morally bankrupt as is the lying, shoplifting, empty hole he sleeps with.

At least the pathetic n neverending saga of P and I is finally over.

Broadening the perspective of Narcissistic abuse by including it right alongside every other abuse. Let’s call it what it is Emotional and Psychological abuse that can occur in any life situation be it romantic, friendship, family, work, etc. Let’s also include and define it in terms that are recognizable to personal relationships OR Domestic Violence. So a little insight into how this perpetrator abuses!

Source: Broadening the perspective of Narcissistic abuse by including it right alongside every other abuse. Let’s call it what it is Emotional and Psychological abuse that can occur in any life situation be it romantic, friendship, family, work, etc. Let’s also include and define it in terms that are recognizable to personal relationships OR Domestic Violence. So a little insight into how this perpetrator abuses!

What makes this abuse so damaging is that emotional/psychological abuse doesn’t stop the day you walk away from an emotionally abusive partner, loved one, friend, career or any relationship. Unfortunately, it will probably continue to affect you long after your abusive partner, relationship, or whatever connection is gone and REMAIN unless you discover what emotional/psychological abuse really is and how to STOP it and recover from it. It is unfortunate that this type of abuse is hard to identify and many if not all of these abusers walk among us unrecognized AND in every aspect of our lives (personal and professional.) What is NOT hard to recognize is the damage these abusers have inflicted onto their targets/victims and the huge loss and struggle associated with this abuse. Unfortunately the perpetrators of this abuse walk away unscathed and abuse a new target/victim.

Emotional/psychological abuse is any judgement, in ANY interpersonal relationship, from any source that humiliates, undermines, paralyses, makes you fearful, controls you or harms you. The Department of Justice defines this same pattern of abusive behavior as Domestic Violence as in an intimate relationship! In their words and definition it is any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic Violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological actions, or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone. Abuse is abuse in any situation!

So some descriptors and definitions that apply to emotional and psychological abusers and how their toxicity is administered to all people and all relationships.

  • Emotional and psychological abusers are controllers that ALWAYS run the show – think of them as dictators with an iron fist!
  • The abuse and manipulation can come in either a physical form (actions) or at a deep emotional level in order to break the psyche to meet the abusers desires and needs.
  • They create an omnipotent but FALSE façade as it concerns themselves where they are always portrayed as having a pristine, moralistic, and flawless lifestyle. They always have supporters to provide social proof of their magnanimous virtues to back them up – people they have manipulated with charm and lies. These supporters are basically their body guards to protect them from exposure of the truth or how disordered they are with their lies, betrayal, and how the extort life and people.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers manipulate people that are in any sort of relationship with them to believe or submit to the feeling that they have NO value outside the value THEY are given or are assigned to them by the abuser – PERIOD.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers manipulate people into a position of believing that submission, compliance and obedience are respect and even love.
  • They DEMAND that their authority is ALWAYS respected, but they don’t model or reciprocate with ANY type of respect! What they really want is obedience!
  • They do not live by their own professed teachings, values, rules, standards, or even laws – better yet they live by double standards.
  • They misrepresent and DISTORT “right from wrong” and morality as it serves THEIR purpose or needs. They teach, imply, or present false truths that reinforce their agenda and personal desire to control.
  • They make you jump through constant hoops in life making EVRYTHING so difficult to impossible! They back up their words with punishing actions.
  • They lie, embellish, and CREATE false situations or cover ups with the tiniest bit of the truth to always misrepresent facts and avoid accountability as it concerns the truth about THEM.
  • They instigate situations between people or triangulate, isolate, or divide and conquer. Then ask for your loyalty and respect as a factor in keeping their secret concerns about the person they are overtaking and isolating to hide their real motives and made up or false truths to put wedges in between people. This keeps the spotlight off of them and opposition between everyone around them.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers misuse and manipulate their power in order to get what THEY want and to have things the way THEY want them. Many abusive bosses are quite adept at using this control over employees! Sometimes threatening is the adequate word to describe their persuasion.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers can and will resort to cruelty. They will use jokes to poke fun at you or something you did, perhaps embarrass you and hope you react so they can make you wrong saying you are too sensitive or always overreact to things!
  • Emotional and psychological abusers DEMAND that we don’t question them and manipulate you into believing that doing so is disrespectful. They reinforce their manipulation with rage that produces fear of their retribution. They will also isolate you with the silent treatment to invalidate your presence in their world!
  • They are always right, they are always the expert that knows best PERIOD.
  • The manipulative power they exert over you is always presented “for YOUR own good” as if it is valuable information to help you prosper and grow to be better than what you are – as in a person in need of their help. They just assume the role of superiority over people!
  • They don’t respect or encourage individuality because that would limit their control over others. So they constantly exert their control and power to stay on top of their game.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers do not live by their own definitions of “respect” “love” or “truth.” They completely betray people with a wide variety of actions.
  • You are never a viable person with feelings, a voice, a presence, or allowed to have any positive validation or worth. You are ASSIGNED a submissive role and you must NEVER step out of that role!
  • They DENY any accountability or wrongdoing as it concerns how they dehumanize people. They will always put the blame back onto the person they are abusing and even destroy their integrity. Sadistic describes the abuser perfectly.

The above description of emotional abuse and the abuse tactics applies to ANYONE that acts out against people in the manner described with the intent to control another person. It is abuse pure and simple, be it spouses, partners, aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, siblings, friends, professionals (therapists, clergy, law enforcement, bosses, etc.) This abuse is NOT just limited to romantic relationships! These abusive actions are based on the abusers judgmental beliefs and sadistic actions that harm people and based on the grandiose view of themselves or the superiority, power, AND control they exert over their targets/victims. Abuse and control is made easier when the self-esteem is damaged or destroyed and that is the power abusers exert over their targets through devaluation, dehumanization, and betrayal!

Emotional/psychological abuse keeps you focused on the past and seeing the future only through the negative perspective of the manipulative and abusive relationship and the negative messages from them (the abusive person.) When you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser will always remind you of everything that you may have ever done wrong and re-visit these wrongs constantly in a manner to make you BELIEVE that you will NEVER change for the better. Everything has a negative spin attached to it. This is managing down and devaluation to make you feel worthless in their eyes!

Emotional abuse may not leave any outward scars, but it can cause pain and fear for much longer than physical harm to the body. Many people believe that just because they do not suffer from physical abuse by their spouse, partner, relative, friend, boss, etc., that they are safe and it is not abuse. However, this is not the case because the scars are internal and the damage is psychological and can cause grief, fear, anxiety, depression and trauma for an entire lifetime! This type of abuse is like an odorless and tasteless poison to people’s minds! Both woman, men AND children suffer from emotional and psychological abuse or mental torture from abusers.

Psychological or emotional abuse happens when the other party erodes your sense of self-esteem or self-worth and literally has a hold over your mind. Your sense of self-worth becomes destroyed in the process so much so that you no longer dare to challenge what is being said to you or about you. Basically is it fear of their retribution. The abuser exerts their power over you in degrees of punishment, or isolation, depending on your reaction to them or if you don’t acquiesce to their demands. You believe in the stories, words, and negative actions against you and most of them are not even true to begin with. Your abuser spins a web of lies to control your behavior and for his/her own selfish motives or to control you. Control and power are tools and the technique that the abuser asserts over people that are in their personal life! In reality it is the ABUSER that is probably right down there with the other lower forms in society, but those dark secrets are well hidden under a cloak or façade of superiority and morality. The abuser actually projects their faulty parts and weaknesses onto you in a manner to take the shame away from them.

Emotional abusers do what they do to gain power over you. Consequently, you feel like you are being controlled and every single movement you make is being watched, OR the feeling that you are walking on eggshells. You fear making decisions, in fact, you find it difficult to make one without consulting your ‘abusing’ partner. You are ALWAYS explaining yourself! You end up losing your confidence in your own abilities, incapable of rational thinking. Your reality has been distorted by constant manipulation, devaluation and managing down. In time your self-esteem and self-worth are held completely captive by the gravity of your abuser!

The minute you make “a mistake” or do something that your abuser or controller decides is “wrong”, they purposely became inflamed and basically reprimand you with the proof that you are a failure, a liar, crazy, a misfit, just like they have said all along. Abusers will often do this publically, twisting the truth and making sure that others agree that you are the crazy one. Usually they will do this so eloquently and behind your back. The abusive controller/manipulator will always make sure that the blame never falls on them to avoid being exposed as the psycho bully they really are. This is a very big part of how emotional and psychological abuse works. No matter what the real truth is, it never comes into the equation because the final thoughts, words, and actions are always the abusers spin to reinforce their agenda! They have a powerful and direct voice that they use to command and bark out their carefully cloaked lies and manipulations to always get their way. The emotional and psychological abuse surrounds the target/victim with such uncertainty that it isolates them from reality.

Abusers will essentially mentor and shape you with their delusional propaganda and agenda to control you, then they will mistreat and devalue you, and then take your voice away. This is all part of the agenda to BREAK YOU! Then they will reject you because you are broken and add more blame/shame and wrong to the many layers that they have already created. This is the cycle of devaluation or abuse! They recreate you, then break you, then blame you, then comfort you and start the process over and over again creating a dizzying and confusing circle and endless maze.

Basically they are labeling and BRANDING you with THEIR own emotionally and psychologically abusive actions as not good enough, not lovable, not the way that “they” want you to be and YOU are a disappointment and a failure. This is how they ‘play’ love! BUT they are manipulating you into believing and even convincing you that YOU are completely responsible for their negative reactions toward you AND it is YOUR fault that you are not lovable or good enough. You even become compliant because they are relentless and constantly trying to make you explain or prove yourself to them! You become so confused in believing that you are not good enough and so brainwashed that you finally believe them. Usually there is a bond of love that keeps you attached to the abuser’s hip or it could be a relationship that you MUST have or cannot avoid with your abuser! They will trick you once in a while with a little bit of reinforcement or love but it short lived and there to keep you in the cycle of abuse OR they want something. They break your spirit to make you dependent on them because they cannot have a healthy relationship that allows the other person to be an individual or to grow with them in ANY healthy manner so they create a trap to keep you chained to them. They are not wired to relate with care and empathy or to grow with love so instead they control you to keep you there with them until they are done with you or bored and then they move on to the next target/victim to extort completely and use up.

They constantly define you through their abusive connection or bond and you MUST realize that it is up to you to take your identity and power back! You MUST redefine yourself by purging the abuse and negative messages out of your head and life and see that THEY are disordered and have only manipulated and dehumanized you to make you believe that you are worthless. That is where they acquire their power over you and you must shut it off completely. This is how they manage people because they are totally defective and damaged inside! They cannot internalize any sort of a connection with a person that would allow individuality because they fear that they will lose control. Unfortunately they take control to a destructive level and imprison your thoughts and life and you basically become their servant. They are dangerous to people and life and destroy families, organizations, careers, or basically any part of life they become enmeshed in!

When you are in the thick of an abusive entanglement it becomes so difficult to even know HOW to define yourself because you become so lost in the control, manipulation and that fog that they encased you in. You probably even doubt that you HAVE the strength to take your life back because you are so beaten down, BUT you do. You MUST break the cycle of the manipulative controller and take a complete stand against being falsely accused, blamed, and shamed for EVRYTHING. You must not surrender to anything that this abuser does or says and realize that you are NOTHING of who or what they made you believe you were. You must see that they are the sick person here to dehumanize people in the manner they do. You must walk completely away from them and NEVER return! They are seriously disordered and have become sadistic and destructive to somehow compensate for their own inferiority and failures. They will not seek help or even see that they have a severe problem.

Emotional and psychological abusers have to keep us in a distorted spin because if we break through the cycle of their abuse or that ‘fog’ for one second, we might realize that they are wrong or better yet that they ARE sadistic abusers! They know we will recognize how very pathetic they are so controllers and abusers quickly defer to a statement or event that proves their delusional points over and over again – that is why you never feel a balance with them or achieve closure. They are relentless with their pursuit of control so don’t look to fixing anything about them or getting into their head to understand them! They have had an entire life to fix themselves and they have always chosen to deny their reality and continue abusing people. You are/were just the next person in a long line of people they have damaged and they are already onto a new target/victim.

You may get a tiny little bit of encouragement now and then but it will be met with more manipulation and control to keep you under their spell AND control! What they say in their deliverance of an attack usually has nothing to do with reality or any current situation. Psychological and emotional abusers create diversions and confusion, or again that heavy fog that will distort your reality and put you right back into blame, shame, and under their control. You have no real identity or a voice with a psychological or emotionally abusive person because you are merely an object. If you resist they will only step their game up to destroy what they can of you until you comply. They are destructive psycho bullies and their words, so called truths, and proof is ALWAYS designed to take you down. You don’t resist because of this negative and debilitating conditioning, but you are glued to them because you care, love or respect them (emotional bond.) You have to break that bond and you must respect the truth that YOU deserve more than their dehumanizing and sadistic treatment!

AGAIN – Psychological and emotional abuse brainwashes you into taking whatever bad or negative things your abuser says about you as the gospel truth. They spin you into such a web of confusion and deceit that the very confusion they put you in undermines your reality and then you believe they must be right and it becomes a way of life for you! You will even end up looking like the ‘crazy one’ that they have made you out to be to the outside world. The abuser is invested in this managing down and devaluation and THEY need you to believe it too so they can maintain that control and power over you! JUST SAY NO!

They will also try to convince you that it is just you being too sensitive, or maybe too demanding, angry, insubordinate, or too unreasonable. If you EVER respond to them with a question concerning their words, they try to convince you that this is for YOUR own good or out of concern and they are only trying to help you out, BUT they never help, and they only make you more wrong or HINDER. So again you end up thinking that it is you! Then because it is just words you don’t often define it as abuse! We all make mistakes and do things wrong, but when a person keeps you locked up in a negative pattern that constantly defines you as wrong, always making mistakes, worthless, unlikeable, unlovable, LESS THAN THEM, etc., and you have no way of ever changing this, that is psychological or emotional abuse and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE as it concerns a relationship!

Until you understand this completely and become adept at recognizing the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse you will continue to suffer from it in your life. Be it someone you are in a relationship with, family, friends, a boss, acquaintances and even strangers that behave in ways that are consistently hurtful or careless of your feelings THEY ARE ABUSIVE. You will allow and internalize other people’s abusive judgements of yourself and even become that description of you until you discover how to identify them and get rid of them by getting them out of your life once and for all. You will confuse abuse with ‘being realistic’ as it concerns your reality. If you assign or internalize these negative messages from abusive people that PRETEND they care, you will believe that you are damaged and it will hinder and disable your life. You will begin to believe that your happiness or success in life is defined through these distorted people AND those negative messages will become internalized and find a home in your head and heart.

Realize that only you hold the power and you are the only person who has power over yourself. As simple as this sounds after being in a horrendous and abusive relationship, it is just the truth. YOU must STOP the abuser and take their power away. You must become confident in the fact that YOU are good enough and even amazing. You have to realize that you have been subjected to the abusive behaviors of a seriously disordered person PERIOD. One reason why you have been subjected to emotional and psychological abuse is that you have handed your power over to this person. Be it fear, manipulation, or whatever tactic this person exerted over you can also be broken by you. You have recognized the truth of your situation, so now you can move forward into a healthy place to heal.

The time will come when you will know that enough is enough and refuse to be held hostage by the mental torture and you will WANT to move on AND possibly the reason why you are here today. It is completely possible to overcome psychological and emotional abuse and regain the confidence and control that you may have lost to an abusive partner. By protecting ourselves from being manipulated at the emotional level, we are able to free ourselves once and for all from the dehumanization and violation of our free will. It will also shift your consciousness from the state of fear and intimidation which is a byproduct of the abuse imposed on us by these emotional manipulators and vampires. THEN we can shift away from any debilitating mind state – call it deprograming, or desensitizing the negative messages or the abuse but it HAS to be done by completely breaking the bond with them.

You must lock up those doors that allow negative people to get at your real goodness. It means change, but it doesn’t mean changing the person you ARE, it means adjusting boundaries and healing weak spots that exist deep down inside of you. This is understanding and accepting that this horrible abuse has happened into your life and getting past it and to your healing. Your abuser is a lost cause and destructive to you. Leave them behind, and don’t put your energy into helping or healing THEM because they are what made you unhealthy in a manner that is a crime. What you invested in them is just a huge loss, so you have to accept that so that you will reinvest in YOUR own future. You can’t possibly get into their head to understand what they are and what they do – BUT they are quite adept at getting back into your head and starting the abuse right back up. So remove the coefficient that damaged you or the abusive person and replace them with positive healing and healthy thoughts and people. Recreate your boundaries to protect yourself from these negative and destructive people. No/minimal contact is where you start!

An important note: The Narcissist is never going to give up their secrets or that they are disordered. It is up to the targets/victims to define this abuse with their voices and knowledge to bring about awareness and viable help to other victims of this abuse. The Narcissist would only provide lies and manipulate if they were ever in a position to have to define their actions. So it is up to us to define it through our experiences and share them with the world. This will enable therapists and the behavioral sciences to understand the debilitating aspects of this abuse and help them treat the real trauma from this abuse and not just symptoms.

Trauma Bonding- What is it? Do I Have One? And Can It Be An Addiction??

from www.abuseandrelationships.org

Trauma Bonding

Bonding is a biological and emotional process that makes people more important to each other over time. Unlike love, trust, or attraction, bonding is not something that can be lost. It is cumulative and only gets greater, never smaller. Bonding grows with spending time together, living together, eating together, making love together, having children together, and being together during stress or difficulty. Bad times bond people as strongly as good times, perhaps more so.

Bonding is in part why it is harder to leave an abusive relationship the longer it continues. Bonding makes it hard to enforce boundaries, because it is much harder to keep away from people to whom we have bonded. In leaving a long relationship, it is not always useful to judge the correctness of the decision by how hard it is, because it will always be hard.

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way.Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

Strangely, growing up in an abusive home makes later unhealthy situations have more holding power. This has a biological basis beyond any cognitive learning. It is trauma in one’s history that makes for trauma bonding. Because trauma (and developmental trauma or early relational trauma is epidemic) causes numbing around many aspects of intimacy, traumatized people often respond positively to a dangerous person or situation because it makes them feel. It is neither rational nor irrational. If survivors can come to see that part of the attraction is, while very unwanted, a natural process, they may be able to understand those feelings and manage the situation more intentionally.

An excellent book on the effects of trauma (and repair) is The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk MD

Intense relationships also tend to hijack all of a survivor’s relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.

Second. the survivor can come to find that it can be almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or old friends, except superficially. There is a biological craving for intensity that no normal relationship will satisfy. This provides a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty. At first, only going back to the primary aggressor can overcome it. It would be normal in this state to believe that something is horribly wrong with leaving (even if it seems equally true that something is horribly wrong with staying. If it can be understood that abstinence from unnatural intensity will eventually restore normal relating capacity, the period of distress can be better endured.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Everyone deals with stress, but when it comes with danger, fear, anxiety or risk, it can become traumatic. When this trauma is tied to a relationship, it can form a “trauma bond.”

Trauma bonding happens when someone uses fear, sexual feelings, sexual physiology and excitement to entrap someone else. It is a result of continuing cycles of abuse where alternating reward and mistreatment form an emotional bond that is not easy to break. This bond is basically a compulsive relationship fostering specific patterns of compulsive behavior.

Because those in these types of relationships have experienced extreme situations and feelings, it becomes particularly difficult to get out and away from the abuse. A trauma bond often becomes a life pattern which is repeated. After creating one, you are likely to have other similar relationships with comparable patterns. Trauma bonds can also form almost instantly and last “forever,” surviving even the death of the abuser. Even though the relationship comes with violence or degrading actions, the victim is generally extremely loyal to the abuser.

Situations that create trauma bonds often have some common characteristics. Strong trauma bonds are often present when the relationship has certain elements, such as:

  • Abuse of spirit
  • Recurring cycles of abuse
  • Danger
  • Seduction and betrayal
  • High intensity without real intimacy
  • No apparent way to get out
  • Abuse of power
  • Abuse of intimacy
  • Failure of the victim to protect him- or herself
  • Growing fear

How Can Trauma Bonds Be an Addiction?

Trauma bonds are often born from a biological need for intensity and can become an addiction, much like alcohol, drugs or sex. Victims become addicted to these relationships because they are both compelling and mood altering. When people have a trauma bond that has become addictive, they continue the relationship even though there are negative consequences, they lose the ability to decide to leave the other person, and they obsess over the relationship. A trauma bond addiction also results in losing sense of the right priorities in life to keep the relationship and obsession with it going.

Unfortunately, an addictive relationship can bring out other compulsive behaviors, such as alcohol and drug abuse, gambling, compulsive working, sex addiction and eating disorders. In fact, it is rare to come across a traumatic bond without other addictions woven in and those with addiction are generally vulnerable to traumatic bonding.

Do I Have a Trauma Bond?

Identifying the existence of trauma bonds in your life is an important first step. To recover from trauma bonding, the victim has to accept the relationship is not healthy and view the compulsive patterns as a problem. These patterns could include the following:

  • Obsessing about people who have hurt you, even if they are no longer in your life
  • Trusting people who consistently let you down
  • Staying loyal to those who have betrayed you
  • Putting the abuser and/or the abusive relationship ahead of other relationships
  • Attempting to continue relationships with those who have hurt you
  • Going out of your way to help others who have abused you
  • Keeping quiet about abuse or exploitation

It’s not easy to admit that you’re in an unhealthy relationship or that you are addicted to the narcissist or person who treats you like crap. So it’s extremely difficult but important to acknowledge that you are in fact bonded by the trauma. Only then can you start to set yourself free and take back the rest of your life. It’s not easy but it is absolutely 100% worth it to be truly loved, cherished and accepted for who you are.

4 facts about trauma-bonding in abusive relationships

Such a powerful article!

“When we do summon up the strength to leave, the trauma-bond manifests itself as an intense longing for our abusive ex. Sometimes we return to them because we genuinely feel we love them, we need them, and we miss them (I did, many times).

However, this is an illusion. It is the trauma-bond speaking to us. Those that have lived with domestic abuse are often more resilient, strong, resourceful and intelligent than their abuser allows them to believe. We are certainly stronger than our abuser: just look at everything we have done just to survive!”

Source: 4 facts about trauma-bonding in abusive relationships

Narcissistic Mothers- A Special Place In Hell

Narcissistic Mothers

There is a special place in hell for narcissistic mothers.

Narcissistic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do. They do not look forward to the birth of their child because they can’t wait to see what they look like or what type of personality they will have or who they will become. No, they have children for one reason only: More mirrors. They have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them.

They don’t see their role as a mother as life’s biggest gift. It’s a burden they didn’t expect. They thought they were creating little “mini-me’s.” They didn’t take into account the fact that somewhere around age 2, these spiteful, ungrateful (in their minds) little creatures start to develop their own individual personalities and wills of their own. For the rest of us, that’s the best part of being a mom — watching our children grow into increasingly independent, confident, free-thinking individuals. For the narcissistic mother, each step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal.

Children have emotions that they express quite freely. This annoying practice is squashed as early as possible since narcissists cannot handle emotions. “What is wrong with you?” and “You’re so oversensitive” and “You’re overreacting” are common phrases uttered to children of narcissists.

These mothers end up resenting all the work that goes into raising a child, having no use for them unless they are achieving, doing something or otherwise reflecting their false image onto them. Children are a nuisance to them, taking precious time away from their own agendas. They don’t like to have to listen to their children, prepare meals for them, do their laundry, enroll them in activities, drive them to friends’ houses, throw birthday parties, pay for their college educations or protect them from abuse.

They will smother and overprotect their children under the guise that they are taking care of them. (An example of this is continuing to cut up her 17 year old son’s meat for him.) They will fail to provide age-appropriate information on such things as menstruation, personal grooming (make-up, hairstyles, shaving, etc.), budgeting money and dating. This all serves to keep her children under her control as long as possible. If they are ill-informed and overprotected, they will not feel confident to grow or move further away from her.

They expect perfection and constantly remind their children that they fail to meet this expectation. Of course, they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently toward their children in public than they do at home. They will vehemently deny any wrongdoing on their part and most likely blame their children, completely rewriting history.

Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults. They will play siblings against each other. They will compare siblings. They will talk to siblings about each other. When they have a problem with one, they will talk to another about it.

They are jealous of their children’s successes, even though they brag to others about them (‘see how great MY kids turned out’). They will make snide comments if they think one of their adult children has a better marriage, house, job, etc. than they do. They are thrilled when they perceive that one of their adult children has failed in some way (although they never tell others about these “failures”; it reflects poorly on them). They are more than happy to assist when necessary because that makes them look good, plus, there is an added bonus of having favors to collect on. Asking a narcissistic mother for a favor feels like selling your soul to the devil. It’s emotional extortion.

These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is incredibly difficult and painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming yourself — she raised you to blame yourself for everything. But it is necessary to put the blame where it rightfully belongs in order to insure that this insidious disorder isn’t perpetuated generation after generation.

If You Don’t Think Narcissistic Abuse Is So Bad, Then Read This

Please read this important eye-opener by Cynthia. While she is writing about a narcissistic parent, it doesn’t have to be a narcissistic parent. It can be a spouse, partner, family member, friend, even a boss.

If You Don’t Think Narcissistic Abuse Is So Bad, Then Read This.

http://cynthiabaileyrug.wordpress.com/

There are so many people who think growing up abused by a narcissistic parent isn’t a big deal, we need to get over it, stop wallowing in the past & feeling sorry for ourselves.  Today’s post is for them.

And, Dear Reader, if this post doesn’t describe you, feel free to show this to those in your life it describes if you think it will help them to understand just how destructive & evil it is.

Below are some of the problems that narcissistic abuse can cause.  If you have not been the victim of narcissistic abuse, I hope you thank God at the end of this list that you don’t have to live with these problems.  I live with every single one, & it is extremely hard.

— Constant self doubt.  Narcissists are experts at gaslighting (distorting reality) which leads victims to doubt themselves constantly.  Narcissists state what they say as if it was the gospel truth, & when a person hears something, especially something said so confidently, over & over, they tend to believe it.  Even if it is something they can see clearly & plenty of evidence points to what they see is right, they learn to doubt their perception of reality & believe the narcissist.  Even once away from the narcissist, they tend to believe other people over themselves due to not trusting their own perceptions & feelings.

— Low self-esteem.  Since insecurity is at the root of narcissism, narcissists love to make others feel as badly about themselves as they do.  No matter how beautiful, talented, compassionate or intelligent you are, by the time a narcissist is done with you, you’ll be convinced you are the ugliest, most selfish, useless & stupid person ever to live.  Any shred of self-esteem is destroyed, & done so in such as way as not to be obvious.  Narcissists rarely tell you outright you’re stupid, for example.  Instead they prefer to imply it. (“A smart person would’ve known that!”)  That way, if you confront them, they can reply with something like, “I never said you were stupid! I don’t know where you get these ideas of yours. You’re reading into things!” or something similar.  Gaslighting at its finest…

— Dissociation.  Dissociation is a survival skill that many people use to get through traumatic events.  Women who were raped often describe it as feeling as if they left their body while the attack was happening.  When you are abused, you often dissociate.  I thought I was just day dreaming all my life, but I later learned I’ve been dissociating all this time. Sometimes I just get lost in my own mind & emotionally pull away from those around me.  It often happens during traumatic situations, but sometimes it does not.  It just happens out of the blue.

— Depression.  Depression is very common as well.  It’s hard to be happy when you feel like an utter failure, when you are certain everything you do/feel/think is wrong & when all you hear about is your faults.  Sometimes, the depression can lead to suicidal thoughts or attempts.  Yes, it really can be that bad.  I spent much of my life suicidal as a result of narcissistic abuse.

—Guilt.  Even knowing a lot about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there are still times that I feel guilty for disappointing my narcissistic mother.  She is obviously disappointed I’m an author, she hates my house, car & that I haven’t “given her grandchildren”, & is even embarrassed by the fact I don’t speak to my in-laws (narcissistic mother in-law- I can’t deal with her verbal abuse).  In spite of the fact I know these things are all right for me, occasionally, I feel guilty for disappointing my mother.  This is typical.  Children raised by narcissists feel responsible for everything, & that includes the happiness of their narcissistic mother.  If they disappoint her, not only do they face her rage, but also the guilt for “failing”.  Unfortunately this means they carry the guilt into their adult lives, so even when they know better, sometimes they still can feel guilty when they shouldn’t.

— Aches, pains & illnesses.  Have you ever noticed that most narcissists are quite healthy, yet their victims are often sick?  I believe this is because of stress.  Narcissists rarely feel stressed, as they put everything unpleasant on others.  Their victims, however, are under constant stress because they must appease the narcissist & anticipate her needs 24/7 at any personal cost or else face her volatile  rage.  Ongoing extreme stress causes a multitude of health problems such as high blood pressure, heart or kidney disease or even diabetes.  And, depression can cause aches & pains with no physical cause.

— C-PTSD.  Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very common among victims of narcissistic abuse.  The ongoing, constant trauma of gaslighting, verbal abuse & the rest of the evil that is narcissistic abuse can cause physical changes in the brain which results in C-PTSD.  Basically, this means your body is in a constant state of fear.  Pete Walker, author of “Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving” states that we have a fear reflex of fight, flight, freeze or faun.  Living in a constant state of fear means you will have one of those responses, like it or not, when fear is triggered.  For example, when my mother tries to control me as she did when I was a child, my natural reaction is faun- I do as she says & ignore my own anger at this unfair treatment.  It takes conscious effort on my part not to behave this way.  Plus, C-PTSD includes extreme anxiety, depression, flashbacks, damaged short term memory, sleep problems, nightmares & hyper-vigilance (an extreme awareness of your surroundings & potential danger).  I have had C-PTSD since 2012, & frankly, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  Living with the symptoms every day is sheer torture.

I would hope after reading this that your eyes are now opened to the truth about narcissistic abuse.  It *is* a big deal.  It *does* change your life.  It has nothing to do with not getting over things or self-pity.   The symptoms are a normal result to very abnormal circumstances.

A Letter from My Future Self as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse

A Letter from My Future Self as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse. from Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

This is an important post for anyone stuck, afraid and trying to find the strength to break free from the narcissist. She or He is keeping you confused and uncertain.  This is done on purpose to keep you addicted to the abuser and off-balance. There will be no closure, but there can be love and joy in your life again one day if you leave.

Trying to Make Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked

Trying to Make the Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked

As we know narcissists often act in ways that defy all definition of normal. They regularly break the rules, tell lies, break promises, degrade, demean and exhibit unjust, aggressive and abusive behaviour that is inappropriate, childish, without remorse and totally inhuman.

It’s likely, if you have suffered narcissistic abuse, that you have a high level of integrity, and it’s likely you’re known as a person who does the right thing. You have a conscience, and because you do, you’re mindful of considering your environment and other people.

Therefore you will be dismayed, and even regularly incensed by the narcissist’s inability to conduct themselves appropriately, or abide by basic human morality and decency.

It’s likely that you will fight for decency and morality. Before long you’ll find yourself lecturing and prescribing ‘correct behaviour’ as if you were talking to a 5 year old.

YOU act responsibly and uphold your integrity, therefore why shouldn’t THEY?

Life with a narcissist is like a bag of tricks, and a box of chocolates. You never know what will morph out of thin air, or be unwrapped next. You are constantly on edge, walking on broken glass and suffering from high levels of anxiety. Understandably you want the instability and madness to stop…

Forcing accountability logically seems to be the answer, so that the crazy feelings and fear can end.

Your Integrity Is Used Against You

It’s extremely important to know the strength you possess – integrity, is in fact one of the greatest weapons that the narcissist uses against you. Firstly understand the narcissist purposefully targets people who have high levels of integrity.

The reason is he or she knows:

  • You will take responsibility for cleaning up the messes that the narcissist creates.
  • You will stoically work overtime on cleaning up these messes.
  • You are the perfect person to blame, because you vehemently try to prove your integrity to the narcissist, rather than leave, despite the abuse.
  • By focusing on trying to get the narcissist to act like a responsible and considerate adult you will hand over lots of much needed narcissistic supply (attention).
  • The narcissist can accuse you of lack of integrity in any area you pride yourself in – (being a good parent, a caring role model, a pet lover, an honest business person etc. etc.) which grants omnipotent delight when the narcissist views how much this maims you.
  • You will be a partner ‘who loves and cares’, therefore willingly handing over your resources, time, support and money.

By preying on your need for integrity the narcissist has set you up to lose your mind. The more he or she attacks and pillages supply and resources from you as a result of your high levels of integrity – the more you will try to righteously force the narcissist to be accountable. In fact you may go out of your way to prove a point, and do the ‘right thing’ – to set the right example, hoping that the narcissist will learn and start acting like a decent person.

The narcissist by the very definition of what a narcissist is, does not want to be accountable, does not want to ‘play fair’, does not want to conform and does not want to ‘do the right thing.’ A narcissist believes playing by the rules makes him or her like everyone else.

In fact the narcissist watches you doing all of the ‘right things’ and inwardly laughs about how pathetic you are for doing it, and loves it because it gives her or him ample opportunity to keep mining supplies whilst you keep trying to force them to be as ‘good’ as you.

The narcissist believes ‘being good’ would mean being reduced to a mere human, swallowed whole and controlled by the system. The narcissist thinks this will create vulnerability and take away his or her ‘edge’ of remaining separate, having the upper hand and securing narcissistic supply. To co-operate means he or she will have no way to steal energy to fill up the empty painful void within – and this would spell emotional annihilation.

You must understand that there is now way to make the narcissist accountable – and trying to is one of the greatest hooks that are keeping you stuck in abuse.

The Deadly Dance

A horrible addiction process occurs when you try to exert control over the narcissist’s actions and demand his or her accountability. In fact the more you try to control the uncontrollable, the more you lose control of yourself.

As your focus on trying to make the narcissist ‘normal’ and ‘decent’ intensifies, the more you expose yourself to the mind-bending twists and turns, the insane behaviour and the intense gas-lighting, manoeuvres, projections, justifications and downright lies that will tear your self-esteem and self-belief apart.

Before long you will think you are losing your mind, and you find that you can barely function. As the process intensifies you will feel so empty, tormented and anguished that you may feel like life is not worth living.

I promise you it is the strongest, most intelligent people with high integrity that suffer the most in this deadly dance. Be very aware you can’t win this game with the narcissist – and trying to win will just grant A-Grade supply to the narcissist every step of the way.

The Narcissist Fights Dirty

The need for integrity creates the perfect forum for the narcissist to unleash his or her most powerful arsenal. Within arguments he or she has a wide open playing field with no boundaries. This is like a blood-thirsty game of mortal combat with no rules. The narcissist has no conscience, therefore an endless amount of nasty tools are readily available.

These include:

  • Discard and abandonment techniques regardless of the state you are in. (The more distressed you are the more delight in abandoning you).
  • Ignoring you or giving you silent treatment.
  • Lies in order to gain whatever goal the narcissist has in mind.
  • Gas-lighting techniques in order to get you to doubt yourself.
  • Imagined allies to back up her or his claims.
  • Malicious comments to maim you.
  • Attacks on your integrity to disarm you.
  • Expert projection to make what she or he did your fault.
  • Purposeful outrageous and childish non-sensical comments to incense you.
  • Refusal to remain on the topic at hand.
  • Insistence on boundaries within the conversation, granting him or her all the rights to continue speaking, and you none.
  • Attacking you in regard to your distress, hysteria or anger that has occurred within the argument.
  • The ability to use any of the above (plus more) to purposefully punish you, and create the highest level of anguish possible.

No human being is a match for these tactics, and if you do try to match the narcissist’s game with any of the narcissit’s tactics – the narcissist immediately pounces on your lack of integrity, which throws you into the despair: The narcissist doesn’t believe I am a decent person (this destroys your soul and mission to ‘change’ the narcissist …) or you will feel the incensed mind-bending rage of: Who are you to accuse me of lack of integrity?

Whichever way it goes, you end up battered and distraught, and the narcissist obtained narcissistic supply and the omnipotence knowing that she or he can have this effect on you…

You can’t shrug off allegations like the narcissist can. The narcissist, once securing you in their life, actually doesn’t care whether or not you think the narcissist is a good person. The narcissist is simply in the game for the two reasons that narcissists interact with anyone:

1) To secure narcissistic supply, and

2) Having a person to hurt in order to offload their tormented inner self.

You have to accept that the narcissist simply does not hold or even care about the model of love and relationships that you do. Her or his values, needs and neuron brain pathways are miles apart from yours.

 

The More you Need the Less You Get

At the time of entering the argument you will feel that you were seeking accountability for a specific issue – now as a result of the argument you will feel totally unsafe and need accountability for all the brutal abuse that occurred within the argument as well.

The more you try to gain accountability, the less you receive it, then the more accountability you need – and the vicious cycle expands and broadens until it is literally ripping your life apart, with no way out if you continue…

You know when you are disintegrating and complete losing yourself, because this is when you start acting like a crazy person. You may call the narcissist twenty times in a row, start seeking people in his community to tell them the truth about the narcissist. You may be constantly checking the narcissist’s facebook, phone records and contacts about what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, and your whole life becomes obsessed and totally taken over by the need to get accountability.

This is the exact opposite of where you want to be. With your focus completely obsessed with what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, he or she has you right where they want you – detached from your True Self.

No longer are you able to healthily supply yourself with your basic emotional needs, sustenance and safety. It’s likely that you’re no longer able to look after your practical and even survival needs effectively. You may find it virtually impossible to eat, sleep, pay bills and function.

 

How to Drop the Need for Accountability and Reach Acceptance

Read the following very carefully. This is your truth.

Understandably you will be operating from the mind-bending pain: ‘You should or should not be doing this!’ and ‘How on earth can somebody do what you do?!’

This may seem correct at a human and logical level, but this does not help you create a healthy and accountable life with accountable people.

One of the largest fundamental lessons of life, and intense learning curves that we are forced to face as a result of narcissistic abuse is this: People can be and do whatever they want to be and do. This lesson of acceptance is one of the most essential when recovering from narcissistic abuse.

There are only two ways we can live our life. These are:

1) Resistance, or

2) Acceptance.

When we judge something as wrong we have set ourselves up energetically (energy being the true ‘note’ that creates our reality), as My experience is wrong, because of this thing being wrong and therefore I have to make it right in order to be Okay.

For example: If you do something bad to me, and I decide to be affected by it ( a normal human reaction) I’ll replay it in my mind, and every time I do I feel the pain of what you did to me. You are however no longer standing there and doing ‘it’ to me. I am actually free to get on with the TRUTH of my life, but I can’t now – because what you did was ‘wrong’.

I have assessed my life can’t be ‘right’ now, because you exchanged with me in a way that was ‘wrong’. Your ‘wrongness’ has now become my ‘wrongness’ (I took it on), and it can’t be fixed until I change you from being ‘wrong’ into ‘right’.

Understandably this is very POWERLESS. I have no power to change you. And If I try to I can’t have a ‘right’ life until I change you from being ‘wrong’. The truth is I’ll be having a ‘wrong’ life forever…

Why? Because even if I could force you to change into ‘right’ (highly unlikely and impossible when dealing with a narcissist), more and more ‘wrong’ people would still keep coming into my experience and keep doing ‘wrong’ things to me…

Why? That sounds crazy! Why would I keep attracting the ‘wrong’ behavior that I detest so much?

The answer is simple. It’s because I have an intense focus and dislike (judgement) on ‘wrong’. I take it personally, I make other people’s behaviour about me, and I judge who they are, and try to fix them and change them in a futile attempt to make me happy…rather than take responsibility for being the Creator of myself…

…all because I have not as yet learn the vital SOUL LESSON of acceptance and unconditional love which is:

“I love you and all of life enough to allow you to be whoever you want to be on your journey, and I love myself enough to choose what is the TRUE journey for me. Therefore if we are not a MATCH thank you for showing me what I needed to heal within myself, and I can let go and allow us both to experience the journey that is our choice as it stands right now.”

Whenever we judge something as wrong, we are in resistance. By resisting this thing, we think we are saying ‘No’ to it – yet in reality we are saying ‘Yes’ and bringing it into our experience. Resistance hooks us into the fight of trying to change something that is ‘wrong’ into being ‘right’ and pollutes our being and experience with ‘wrong’ in the process.

True Acceptance does not mean tolerating – it means the exact opposite. Acceptance means we observe the narcissist’s behaviour and accept that the narcissist does what he or she does because they are a narcissist. With this acceptance you will no longer have the need to change or fix the narcissist for your own wellbeing.

The gift in learning how to stop trying to get accountability is the peace and the acceptance that we are Unlimited Beings with all of the resources of life at our disposal. We don’t have to try to force unmakeable deals to work – because there is plenty more of what we really want available in life.

You need to establish that you DO have the resources within you to create your own truth and fullness. You can allow others to be whoever they wish to be, and if who they are or what they do does not line up with your Truth, then that person does not need to be your reality. Leave and stop participating and put your focus fully onto creating what it is that you want.

I hope this article helped you realise just how much damage fighting to get accountability is causing you.

Next time you judge someone or their actions as ‘wrong’ remember to apply acceptance instead. Everyone is doing their own journey in their own way, given their map of the world. Now set yourself free to choose your truth regardless of what this person is or isn’t doing, and if their truth is not a match for yours it certainly does not have to play any part as your truth anymore.

– See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trying-to-make-the-narcissist-accountable-is-keeping-you-hooked/#sthash.rIkY83cv.dpuf

Why Do You Stay? My Closure Through Understanding

Sometimes the biggest gift we can give ourselves is letting go. For me personally, letting go n feeling closure comes from knowledge and understanding. I find it brings me comfort and healing. While I get that it probably makes little to no difference, it helps me process and is a necessary step for me to move on. I also know that closure is completely impossible with a narcissist, so stop waiting and trying for something you cannot have.

Over the last year I have read and learned a lot about Narcissism, a personality disorder that affects 6.2% of the population. So so (P’s wife) is a frigid narcissist with low emotional intelligence.

I needed to understand how someone could CHOOSE to stay married to someone so selfish, incapable of empathy, distant, cold, completely fake, unaffectionate, shallow and a really shitty mother (I’m paraphrasing 13 year old daughter’s therapist) and wife. I was able to find some answers.

While I now know how and why it happens, I will never accept denying the truth and continuing on with the charade. Especially when you see the damage continuing to live this pathetic sham has done and continues to do to your children.

I don’t blame P for being so damaged and screwed up. But I do blame him for knowing the truth and staying unhappy. Because he’s too weak, complacent, addicted and scared to leave, he shows his kids he doesn’t count. He has also taught them that you can get what you want by bullying and manipulation with little to no consequences.

They won’t see that he sacrificed his happiness for theirs because they aren’t happy in the fake, toxic environment in which they live! Teenagers see and know a lot. They feel the lack of love and affection between P and the narcissist. They don’t need a manservant who lets their Mom bully and control him while she lives a single life. They need a strong, loving father to teach them self-control, guidance and discipline. His heart is in the right place but he’s totally screwing it up. I fear this will never change as long as he’s in denial and his therapist has no clue what he’s dealing with.

As for me, I am going to enjoy the summer with my dear H, my family, great friends and eventually forget all about this chapter of my life. I do feel lucky to have experienced great joy, love, passion and happiness for a while. But the pain, loss, misery, sadness, abandonment and damage to my self-esteem was simply not worth it.

Do I regret loving someone who has no idea how to love n be loved? I’m still not sure. I think I’m just disappointed by his lack of caring for me and his unwillingness to make necessary changes. But I hope he figures it out one day n finds real love. Hopefully someone without a personality disorder 🙂

“Remember, you don’t need to be out of the relationship to start feeling better.Whether you’re in it or out of it, the recovery needs to start now. You can mentally break free from your toxic partner whether you’re maintaining “no contact” or still struggling with it, whether your suffering through another silent treatment and expecting a return, or whether this person is hoovering right now to get you back. The more you wait, the more time you waste.”

Why do so many amazing people develop such a twisted codependency to the narcissistic nonsense? Well, I believe that it starts with the passive-aggressive conditioning put upon us by the narcissist– conditioning that is fully intended to make us feel desperate and insecure within the relationship. Since desperation and insecurity are two of the biggest causes of codependency, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make the connection. We, ourselves, become part of the chaos and turmoil and, during the invoking of a silent treatment we become part of the deafening silence. In essence, we turn our hope for a happy ending into a codependency that never ends happily.

Our codependency to the narcissistic game of cat and mouse builds gradually – just as the narcissist intends. The more gradual the build, the less likely we are to even notice our demise until we are smack dab in the middle of the shit! At that point, we are almost powerless to pull out because there’s always more to do, to find out, to investigate, and more bullshit to put up with. We hope and pray that this time it will be different…that we can love the narcissist out of her/his crappy behavior. But we never can and we never will.

The victim of narcissistic abuse spends a good deal of their waking life in a relationship with a person who neglects them on every level and will, in a moment’s notice, abandon them. Maybe not physically leave, but they will never be there to love and support you. You are forever trying to figure out “the secrets” – of which there are many (although they will state otherwise) – and this can take hour after consuming hour as the desperation mounts. Keeping the codependency alive and strong in their victim/partner is very much a requirement of the narcissist’s pathological agenda.

The victim, in much the same way, actually becomes addicted to the agenda as well but receives far less pleasure than the narcissist who literally thrives off of their partner’s unrequited love suffering.

Codependency in relationships is hard enough without the other partner having a personality disorder that can never be fixed. When narcissism becomes part of the equation, life takes a much sharper and far more miserable turn than ever before. Codependents will usually accept themselves as being damaged in order to “fix” another person.

Breaking this type of codependency is difficult because we associate the desperation that we feel with our love for the perpetrator. This causes mental confusion and an anxious willingness to hang in there…. to try it one more time because maybe she’ll change. A few weeks go by and they are being nicer. They might even go to therapy with you a few times. But sadly it never lasts long. Then, before we know it, years and sometimes decades have passed and everything is exactly the same as its always been.

You cannot truly be there for your kids while you are still under the narcissist’s spell. This is very different than most separations. In most cases of separation, you stay to help your kids. But with a narcissist, staying abused only continues the dysfunctional family dynamics. This leaves your children far more confused and unhappy than if they had one stable parent.

Like any addiction to a bad thing, our codependency to the narcissistic behaviors and tactics of our partner must be dealt with seriously and in an effective manner that will give us lasting results.

For our own sanity, we must certainly be accountable.

Much of this post comes from Zari Ballard’s 2 books. Although I don’t sell anything on my blog, I think these 2 books are definitely worth $5.99.

So if any of this resonates with you at all, please read them and all the information available, find a therapist experienced with narcissism, codependency and narcissistic abuse, get stronger, break free and change your life.

Lesson learned. If something seems to good to be true, it probably is lol.

For a Limited Time, Get 2-4-1:
When Love Is a Lie &  Stop Spinning, Start Breathing
http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/pre-order-special/

Do you have a narcissistic partner? Are you tired of being subjected to emotional manipulation and silent treatments?  Are you desperate to make sense of the madness yet afraid to ask questions? Are you willing to go No Contact but don’t have the slightest idea where to begin and what to do if the narcissist hoovers? Well, if you haven’t read Zari Ballard’s Amazon Best Seller When Love Is a Lie and the interactive workbook companion book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing,  you’re missing out on a chance to escape the misery once and for all.

Betrayal is A Real Bitch!

betrayal

Betrayal. A breach of trust. Fear. What you thought was true-counted on to be true- was not.  It was just smoke and mirrors, outright deceit and lies.  Sometimes it was hard to tell because there was just enough truth to make everything seem okay.  Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous.  Worse there are the times of seeming sincerity and care that effectively obscure what you know to be true.  It was exploitation, not love.  You were used.  Everything in you wants to believe you weren’t.  Please make it not be true, you pray.  Yet enough proof has emerged.  Facts that can no longer be denied.

Betrayal.  You can’t explain it away anymore.  A pattern exists and you know that now.  You can no longer return to the way it was (which was never really as it seemed).  That would be unbearable.  But to move forward means certain pain.  No escape and no in-between.  Choices have to be made today, not tomorrow.  The usual ways you numb yourself will not work.  The reality is too great, too relentless.

Betrayal is a form of abandonment.  But I haven’t been abandoned, my wife or husband is still here, you tell yourself.  Often abandonment is difficult to see because the betrayer can still be close, even intimate.  Yet YOUR interests, YOUR well-being is continually sacrificed.

Abandonment is at the core of addictions.  Abandonment causes deep shame but abandonment by betrayal is so much worse than mindless neglect.  Betrayal is purposeful, self-serving and traumatic.

But that is not the worst part.  The worst part is a mind-numbing, highly addictive and strong attachment to the person who has hurt you!  You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing- convert them into non-abusers.  You will probably blame yourself, your defects and your failed efforts.  You strive to do better as your life and any shred of happiness slips further and further away. 

These attachments cause you to not trust your judgment, distort your own realities and memories and place yourself at even greater risk.  The great irony?  You are bracing yourself against further hurt.  The result? A guarantee of more pain!!

These attachments have a name.  They are called traumatic bonds or betrayal bonds.  Exploitative relationships like that with an overt or covert narcissist, create these bonds. These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her.  Thus the hostage becomes the champion of the hostage-taker and the victim becomes the champion of their abuser.

What abusers hope we never learn about trauma bonding

I never knew that it was not only possible but common for someone to be so closely bonded and addicted to their narcissist spouse. It happens without them even realizing it. It is why so many choose to stay trapped, feeling alone, miserable and unloved for years, even decades.
It is not your fault but there is a way out. You can break free of the cycle of abuse and learn to love yourself again. But the first step is to see the truth and stop being in denial. The overt and/or covert narcissist will not change and things will never get better as long as you stay with them.

Avalanche of the soul

Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond – but you don’t need to be Houdini to escape.

Photo by Clearly Ambiguous Photo by Clearly Ambiguous

Traumatic bonding is a hit with abusers, because it helps him to maintain much-needed control. It helps him keep you where he wants you: tethered to him and his soul-destroying behaviour. But, the bond isn’t as iron-clad as he imagines. Here’s FIVE things he hopes you don’t know about traumatic-bonding, and how to shake off the shackles.

1. What is trauma bonding?

Traumatic-bonding is an intense attachment to your abuser. It happens when you feel emotionally and physically dependent upon a dominant partner – who dishes out abuse and rewards…

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Out of the Fog

What made me love him so much? Why did I completely romanticize our relationship? Yes he was gorgeous, funny and sweet. But he was also self-absorbed, negative and extremely neurotic. And he took so much more than he gave.

Despite the fact that his father physically abused him for years and his Mother mentally abused him, he has never confronted either about the abuse and sees them daily. He said it’s quite common for 100% Italians who came from Italy and settled in the Bronx. My father-in-law is 100% Italian and was not ever abused or abusive so I call BULLSHIT. His father was a functioning alcoholic and his Mom was raised by an aunt

I come from an amazingly loving and supportive family who are very close. But any 45 year-old man whose mother repeatedly strolls into his house with a spare key (for emergencies yeah right lol) and right into his bedroom without even knocking? This guy has some serious Mommy issues!

It’s not a family, it’s a dysfunctional creepy cult led by a Mom who literally stalks him day after day until he gives in and does what she wants. But because they smile pretty for the camera and put on a happy face in public, the facade continues.

How is it that his mother, wife and daughter are all controlling psychotic bullies? I only wish I had known all this in the beginning. The sickest part was the way he constantly sought approval from this family that just weren’t kind, supportive or loving.

I thought he had to be making them seem worse than they really were. So a bunch of times he would put the phone on speaker, hold it or put it in his pocket so I could hear. He wasn’t embellishing! But they are all he has and all he knows.

The final straw? When he changed his cell number without even an email or text months after we broke up. I had told him not to contact me again and he agreed. She had been wanting him to change his number for months. He promised if he did, he’d let me know before he did it. I said it’s fine if you do.Just shoot me an email so I’m not surprised. He didn’t. That was 2 months ago.

Foolishly, in a weak moment, I dialed him from a restricted number just to hear his voice. So stupid, I know. That’s how I found out it was changed. I didn’t think it was possible to be anymore hurt and disappointed. I was wrong.

I immediately lost it and called him at home. He usually would be alone. His friggin Mom answered at 11am on a Thursday! Can we say Norman Bates? I just hung up, horrified and feeling totally out of control. He called me back and said he thought it would make it easier for both of us. Yeah right!

I never ever felt like a dirty mistress until that day. And I knew in that moment, I would never ever put my battered, broken heart through this ever again.

It was my first and last affair. Affairs only seem like a good idea when you are in one.