You Are Not A Back-Up Plan




Not spare time

choose me

2nd choice

I think so many women (and maybe a few men too) really need to get this concept. No one should ever feel like they are 2nd choice! Frankly I am worried that too many of us are giving away our self-respect because of love or a bond we think we share. I mean c’mon a guy shouldn’t make you miserable more than he makes you happy. That’s not love, that’s unhealthy. And a lot of times we’re addicted to this cycle of a yo yo relationship. It is not being true to ourselves. We seem to be excusing shitty treatment and bad behavior. So please let’s stop settling for less than we give and less than we deserve. Go where the real love is. xo

Positive Outlooks

You are not a back-up plan. You are worth more than someone’s second choice. You can’t force yourself to stop caring for someone, but you can tell yourself that you deserve better. Never settle to be someone’s second best. Raise your standards and choose to be with someone who will treat you with the same respect and consideration you would treat them. You can’t expect to be someone else’s priority if you aren’t your own. — Unknown

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Hell Hath Definitely Frozen Over- Part 1

P served so so with separation papers. It’s a long, messy tale. Basically, after going back to her as she asked him to do, doing everything and anything in his power to repair his broken marriage and keep his family intact for the last 11 months without any significant improvement? He knew something wasn’t right as they still have not been intimate (it’s been 3 1/2 years now) beyond a few kisses and some rubbing.  She just kept saying she needs time. Well she has been having an affair for almost a year and has had other brief affairs in the past. He saw her passcode and found nude photos, texts, and evidence that she even paid for the hotel and bought this guy gifts!!

I honestly think he would’ve forgiven all of this as he had an affair too.  But she has said such horrible, disgusting and demeaning things about him over and over to the point that his Mom read them and was completely horrified and shocked.  It’s become completely obvious that she hates P and has for a long time.  She is a sick and evil woman and I feel so sorry for their kids.  The way she ridiculed his attempts to be sweet to her are just so completely mean and nasty.

She constantly laughs at him, calls him her bitch and says he will never leave her!!!  For their 20th Anniversary, he took her to a broadway show and bought her a Michael Kors purse, perfume and a card.  She laughed when telling her OM how she got him nothing, not even a card and how she returned the really nice purse just to upset him.

He says he was finally ready to get out but knew he was and is addicted to the narcissistic cycle of abuse he has endured for over 20 years.  He has told his Mom and sisters because he knew it would be like an insurance policy. After all these years, he doesn’t trust himself and needs to ensure that he cannot go back to her.

So in true narcissistic fashion, she is feverishly hoovering, trying to be sweet and saying what’s the rush? She has NOT called the attorney/mediator to schedule an appointment as she has promised to do for the last few days. She says she’s worried about the kids. Bullshit!! She’s worried that she will have to actually BE a Mother and spend extended periods of time with her own children rather than at the gym and with the om.  But I believe P is still by far her biggest source of narcissistic supply. I don’t see her giving that up willingly or easily.  She likes to see him miserable and lonely. He has allowed her to make him feel worthless and that’s just sad.

While we all want to hear good things about ourselves from family and friends, we value them even when it’s not forthcoming. Many of us have even learned to appreciate those who tactfully share with us negative feedback. This is certainly not the case with Narcissists. They ONLY value those who feed their craving for something called “narcissistic supply.” Children–especially young ones–are good sources of supply, along with other family members and friends they can control and dominate.

I am just really glad that he and his family have finally seen exactly who she is. But rest assured, I cannot be involved in any of this crazy circus.  I have not forgiven him for the way he has treated me and for choosing to stay miserable and unloved.

After all the years he’s wasted? After decades of narcissistic abuse? I feel sorry for him but I know he is his own worst enemy. He always has been. And while it breaks my heart to know how broken he is, I have seen nothing yet to make me want to see him or allow him back in my life.

Out of the Fog

What made me love him so much? Why did I completely romanticize our relationship? Yes he was gorgeous, funny and sweet. But he was also self-absorbed, negative and extremely neurotic. And he took so much more than he gave.

Despite the fact that his father physically abused him for years and his Mother mentally abused him, he has never confronted either about the abuse and sees them daily. He said it’s quite common for 100% Italians who came from Italy and settled in the Bronx. My father-in-law is 100% Italian and was not ever abused or abusive so I call BULLSHIT. His father was a functioning alcoholic and his Mom was raised by an aunt

I come from an amazingly loving and supportive family who are very close. But any 45 year-old man whose mother repeatedly strolls into his house with a spare key (for emergencies yeah right lol) and right into his bedroom without even knocking? This guy has some serious Mommy issues!

It’s not a family, it’s a dysfunctional creepy cult led by a Mom who literally stalks him day after day until he gives in and does what she wants. But because they smile pretty for the camera and put on a happy face in public, the facade continues.

How is it that his mother, wife and daughter are all controlling psychotic bullies? I only wish I had known all this in the beginning. The sickest part was the way he constantly sought approval from this family that just weren’t kind, supportive or loving.

I thought he had to be making them seem worse than they really were. So a bunch of times he would put the phone on speaker, hold it or put it in his pocket so I could hear. He wasn’t embellishing! But they are all he has and all he knows.

The final straw? When he changed his cell number without even an email or text months after we broke up. I had told him not to contact me again and he agreed. She had been wanting him to change his number for months. He promised if he did, he’d let me know before he did it. I said it’s fine if you do.Just shoot me an email so I’m not surprised. He didn’t. That was 2 months ago.

Foolishly, in a weak moment, I dialed him from a restricted number just to hear his voice. So stupid, I know. That’s how I found out it was changed. I didn’t think it was possible to be anymore hurt and disappointed. I was wrong.

I immediately lost it and called him at home. He usually would be alone. His friggin Mom answered at 11am on a Thursday! Can we say Norman Bates? I just hung up, horrified and feeling totally out of control. He called me back and said he thought it would make it easier for both of us. Yeah right!

I never ever felt like a dirty mistress until that day. And I knew in that moment, I would never ever put my battered, broken heart through this ever again.

It was my first and last affair. Affairs only seem like a good idea when you are in one.