Birthday Blues/Get Back Up

Sorry all! I wrote this yesterday but wasn’t in the best frame of mind at the time to post it. I actually read today that there is such a thing as birthday blues, getting sad on your birthday.  It’s never happened to me before so I’m hoping it’s NOT that lol. That would suck cause I usually love birthdays.

Today is my birthday. I have so much to be grateful for and I know that.  All the friends and family who have called, sent cards, gifts, messages, etc.  I’m just having a rough day and I don’t think it’s anything in particular.  I guess it’s hormones plus I just miss my Mom, my Dad n his girlfriend are down in Virginia. Even wondering if Putz will say happy birthday.  Actually I know it’s hormones/my illness. I feel sad, a bit weepy and like no one loves me or cares.  The logical part of me knows that’s totally ridiculous, but that’s the illness.  Thankfully, it’s temporary and usually only bad for a few hours. Since it’s only a day or 2 a month and not EVERY SINGLE DAY?  I can handle it. Well I can get through it lol. I just feel like such an annoying whiner LOL!!! I guess I really can cry if I want to huh? Tomorrow will be a better day.

To Get Back Up Is Living Your Best – http://wp.me/p2pUkR-5gX

Man walking at sunset

Upcoming Birthday

Birthday
A week from tomorrow will be my 40th birthday. I have never minded growing older but this is a difficult one for me. It’s hard sometimes to just enjoy the journey of life instead of getting caught up in expectations of what your life should be. But I have faith that the best is yet to come.

The only birthday present I want from him is his continued disappearance from my life. Yes it hurts terribly but at least the pain will eventually subside. He lives in a world full of dysfunction and misery. I don’t want any part of it anymore. I owe it to both of us to find happiness elsewhere and never look back. There’s nothing there for me with him any longer. All they want is to control and manipulate for their own selfish reasons. Living with people like that would’ve driven me insane. They saw him day after day, week after week, miserable and in pain. But did they care that he was unhappy? No they didn’t and they still don’t.

That bitch of a mother is a disgrace to all mothers. She should be ashamed of herself! What kind of mother tells her son that if he leaves her for me, he will be disowned. And that he will end up a bum in the street alone. She is NOT a good mother, woman or human being. But what kind of 45 year-old man lets other people run his life and make his decisions?

I don’t think I ever really thought about the fact that all he knows about family is fear and manipulation through life-long abuse, threats, lies, and bullying. Well, I thought about it but didn’t realize what kind of damage it caused. All I have known is love, acceptance, kindness and unconditional support. It was completely naive and unrealistic to think my love and devotion could heal a lifetime of scars.