Promise You Will Forget The Hurt

I love the idea that one day we will forget the hurt, the pain, the sadness and even those that caused it.

I cannot wait for my heart to be completely healed. I have made a lot of progress the past few months. I have not contacted P and he has not contacted me. I can only hope that continues as we have said all we needed to say.

I am so grateful for all the love, kindness and support I have found in our little blogosphere. I truly don’t think I could have gotten to such a good place without all of you who read my words and see my heart.

I know today is a good day and I also realize each day is different. Tomorrow may be a shitstorm lol. Who knows? But I do believe after everything I have been through in my life, the best is yet to come.

Positive Outlooks Blog

Someday, we’ll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again.  — Unknown

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Control, Fear and Mistakes

This post is raw, brutal and honest.

I can only control what I think and feel. I’m so sorry you were too scared to take a chance on us. Because we will never know just how special and wonderful it could’ve been.

Life is about choices and you were a complete coward. I wasn’t wrong for believing in you and us. I took a leap of faith and I will never regret that.  The only regrets in life are the chances we didn’t take.

That’s what I have been struggling with. Thinking I made a mistake. But I didn’t. The mistake was YOURS for not believing in yourself and in us. Your family would’ve gotten over it or they wouldn’t.

You just were too damaged to choose the life you were meant to have INSTEAD of the life THEY chose for you.

You haven’t forgotten me. If anything, you can’t forget me and its only gotten harder to stay away. I was the light in your life.

The one purely good loving relationship you have ever had or ever will have. The only person who loved you unconditionally (like your mother should’ve but doesn’t). Who loved you with all your flaws, weaknesses and huge laundry list of issues both physical and mental.

But because your Mother never made you feel good enough, you chose a frigid, emotionally and physically withholding, narcissistic wife for whom you will NEVER be good enough.

And the truly sick part is you had a chance to escape the hell you live in!!! But no, you chose to stay and continue to beg and scrape for a few crumbs of affection.

It’s truly horrific and pathetic. You had a chance to be happy and to be better. But nope not for you. U enjoy making everything harder and more difficult.

It’s totally exhausting and completely unnecessary. It’s why people shun you and don’t want to be around you. But unlike everyone else, I listened to you. I supported and comforted you more times than I can count.  You were there for me too and I will cherish all our many adventures.

I am your soulmate and you are mine. You showed me that. But sometimes soulmates are not meant to spend their lives together.  I understand that now.  Maybe you will do better in your next life. Because in this one I just could never trust or believe in us the way I need to. The way I used to.

For us there will be no fairytale ending. You showed me the kind of man you truly are. A weak man easily controlled and dominated by others who would rather live alone, full of sadness and regret, than risk losing people that care nothing about his happiness.

I stood up to your Mother for you in a way NO ONE EVER HAS. Even after all you had done and the pain you caused, I had enough courage and loyalty to defend you like no one ever had before or ever will again.

So you don’t get another chance for my love.

I may not have closure but at least I have no regrets. You get to live every single day wondering if things could have been different, been better.  I think a life filled with love, support and acceptance is always worth fighting for.

You had 3 affairs over 7 years.  Just because I’m the only one you fell in love with doesn’t negate the others. Whatever made you think you had a marriage worth saving?? For your kids?!? They are both completely fucked up because they see a horribly screwed up relationship AND THINK THAT’S WHAT MARRIAGE IS!?! 2 people who don’t like one another and show little to no affection or love!!!! Yeah great job Dad!

The saddest part of all is that you sacrificed your life for NOTHING! Just to fuck up your kids worse than if you had left the marriage, been happy and still been there for them everyday.  I never once in all the time we were together failed to put them first.  They are the most important people in your life and I’m sorry she threatened to turn them against you.

Your son is a kind person.  But he’s also 17 going on 10.  You keep him as stifled and bound as your parents kept you. And your daughter has all the characteristics of a sociopath. Teachers and even her principal have told you she needs psychological help and you refuse to listen.  Because then people would know and the frigid one cares more about what people think than getting her daughter the help she so desperately needs. You must be so proud.

I’m so tired of caring and worrying about someone that just doesn’t matter. I mean if the people who have known you all your life think you’re a chooch, they must know something I don’t right?

I have never in all my 40 years ever heard of a mother who chooses someone over their own son! That’s disgusting so either she’s completely fucked up or you are. I think it’s both.

I can only imagine the years of disappointment and complete dysfunction you saved me from. I wouldn’t wish that pack of jackals on my worst enemy.

But I would’ve been kind to them anyway because I loved you. I only wanted us to be happy together. I guess because you don’t love yourself enough, you never really believed I loved you.  They said I would leave you to scare you but you believed it.  Control through fear, bullying, intimidation and lies IS NOT LOVE.

This journal is my closure. I’m sorry you’re so weak and sick. I hope you get better and it’s getting easier and easier to forget you and the love we once shared.

Soon the only memory of it (for me, not you) will be on these pages.

You chose a person who you can barely stand. A woman completely opposite of me. Not loving, sweet, giving or kind. You truly are batshit crazy and I don’t miss all the bullshit you live with and create.  We used to laugh and marvel at the fact that your crazy fit my crazy lol.

Mine is a life of love, light, kindness, authenticity and laughter. While yours is all lies, smoke, mirrors, acting and pretend.

Your marriage will end or you will cheat again. It’s who you are and what you do. You go as long as you can without even basic human affection (as well as sex).  Then you crack and bam another affair.

Most people learn from their mistakes. But you are either too stubborn or stupid. You do the same things over and over and over again, always expecting different results. That’s insanity but that’s you. Always has been and I guess it always will be.

Affairs aren’t the answer and 1 was enough to show me that.  Anything that has to be done in secret isn’t worth doing.

Song of the day

Today was a great day then it got a little difficult probably because I went to bed too late and the dreaded PMS (yes all the guys have immediately left the room I’m sure lol).

While this is not one of our songs, it always reminds me of P. I just want to remember him one day without all the pain and heartache. Unfortunately that day isn’t today.

I’m leaning into the curve, secure in the knowledge that tomorrow will be better and happier.

There is no fear in love

Image result for no fear in love

I have been thinking about this for a few days.  I cannot even imagine living my life afraid.  Afraid that I will make a mistake or do the wrong thing.  What kind of people spend their life making their children so afraid?  So afraid of making a mistake that they stay miserable and unhappy?

For me that would be like being trapped in a prison of my own creation.

Depression is no day at the beach, believe me LOL.  But I will take it any day of the week over fear and anxiety. Yes, Depression at its worst almost killed me.  Thankfully, the right combination of meds has allowed me to live my life.  It’s not always perfect or easy, but the dark times are a lot less frequent and not as dark.  Knowing that there’s an end to the pain and that I will be happy again has been a tremendous gift.

I think we both believed if our love was perfect, it would cure his fear.  I don’t think that was fair to either one of us.  His fear was created in his childhood and no amount of love, no matter how special, was going to cure that.

The further I get from the pain and sadness of the breakup, the more I see it had very little at all to do with me.

I really hope one day he finds peace and stops living with constant fear.  At least I have found peace and that’s enough for now.

Out of the Fog

What made me love him so much? Why did I completely romanticize our relationship? Yes he was gorgeous, funny and sweet. But he was also self-absorbed, negative and extremely neurotic. And he took so much more than he gave.

Despite the fact that his father physically abused him for years and his Mother mentally abused him, he has never confronted either about the abuse and sees them daily. He said it’s quite common for 100% Italians who came from Italy and settled in the Bronx. My father-in-law is 100% Italian and was not ever abused or abusive so I call BULLSHIT. His father was a functioning alcoholic and his Mom was raised by an aunt

I come from an amazingly loving and supportive family who are very close. But any 45 year-old man whose mother repeatedly strolls into his house with a spare key (for emergencies yeah right lol) and right into his bedroom without even knocking? This guy has some serious Mommy issues!

It’s not a family, it’s a dysfunctional creepy cult led by a Mom who literally stalks him day after day until he gives in and does what she wants. But because they smile pretty for the camera and put on a happy face in public, the facade continues.

How is it that his mother, wife and daughter are all controlling psychotic bullies? I only wish I had known all this in the beginning. The sickest part was the way he constantly sought approval from this family that just weren’t kind, supportive or loving.

I thought he had to be making them seem worse than they really were. So a bunch of times he would put the phone on speaker, hold it or put it in his pocket so I could hear. He wasn’t embellishing! But they are all he has and all he knows.

The final straw? When he changed his cell number without even an email or text months after we broke up. I had told him not to contact me again and he agreed. She had been wanting him to change his number for months. He promised if he did, he’d let me know before he did it. I said it’s fine if you do.Just shoot me an email so I’m not surprised. He didn’t. That was 2 months ago.

Foolishly, in a weak moment, I dialed him from a restricted number just to hear his voice. So stupid, I know. That’s how I found out it was changed. I didn’t think it was possible to be anymore hurt and disappointed. I was wrong.

I immediately lost it and called him at home. He usually would be alone. His friggin Mom answered at 11am on a Thursday! Can we say Norman Bates? I just hung up, horrified and feeling totally out of control. He called me back and said he thought it would make it easier for both of us. Yeah right!

I never ever felt like a dirty mistress until that day. And I knew in that moment, I would never ever put my battered, broken heart through this ever again.

It was my first and last affair. Affairs only seem like a good idea when you are in one.

Is he friggin serious!?!?

You must Never forget who was there for you when no one else was.

Unknown

 

This is what he posted yesterday. I know he’s talking about me and it just makes me shake my head. Yes I absolutely was there for him when no one else was for a year and a half. But in the end, it truly didn’t matter to him. I didn’t matter to him. And I really have no use for a guy that uses social media to send obscure messages.

I am not perfect but I am honest, upfront and open. I told my H I was losing it and would soon cheat. He did nothing. When I started the affair, before I fell in love with P, I told him! Does this make it right? No  it doesn’t.

I know now affairs cannot work. For me it was living 2 half lives instead of 1 full one. Looking back, I was willing to give up so much for him but he obviously wasn’t willing to give up anything for me.  He said I was the woman he loved and wanted to be with. I taught him how to love, how to communicate and how to strengthen a relationship through compromise. He said I was securely in his heart, mind and soul and then poof he was gone.

He’s way too old to be acting like he’s in junior high. Just a little more time and my heart will be healed.

Sometimes Facebook is the devil

I wrote this last week before I decided to stop myself from looking.

I have been having a great week.  I’m happy and my heart is healing.  So then what possessed me to check out P’s facebook page? Seeing a family picture with her fake smiling as always. It’s completely looney tunes/bonkers! She’s one of those people that pretends everything is perfect, even with her marriage on the rocks, her daughter being thrown out of 8th grade, etc. As long as it looks good to others, who cares if everyone’s miserable?

I detest fakeness. Just be how you really are! Don’t pretend to be all sweet and happy in front of others, then be a miserable bitch to your family.

Why can’t people own their crazy, good and bad? When did being honest and authentic go out of style? I love to laugh and am generally a happy go lucky person. But I won’t pretend to be happy if I’m upset, angry or miserable.

He looked uncomfortable and not happy. But not as miserable as he has been. I guess pretending everything is wonderful isn’t as easy as it used to be. I actually feel sorry for the poor bastard.

Upcoming Birthday

Birthday
A week from tomorrow will be my 40th birthday. I have never minded growing older but this is a difficult one for me. It’s hard sometimes to just enjoy the journey of life instead of getting caught up in expectations of what your life should be. But I have faith that the best is yet to come.

The only birthday present I want from him is his continued disappearance from my life. Yes it hurts terribly but at least the pain will eventually subside. He lives in a world full of dysfunction and misery. I don’t want any part of it anymore. I owe it to both of us to find happiness elsewhere and never look back. There’s nothing there for me with him any longer. All they want is to control and manipulate for their own selfish reasons. Living with people like that would’ve driven me insane. They saw him day after day, week after week, miserable and in pain. But did they care that he was unhappy? No they didn’t and they still don’t.

That bitch of a mother is a disgrace to all mothers. She should be ashamed of herself! What kind of mother tells her son that if he leaves her for me, he will be disowned. And that he will end up a bum in the street alone. She is NOT a good mother, woman or human being. But what kind of 45 year-old man lets other people run his life and make his decisions?

I don’t think I ever really thought about the fact that all he knows about family is fear and manipulation through life-long abuse, threats, lies, and bullying. Well, I thought about it but didn’t realize what kind of damage it caused. All I have known is love, acceptance, kindness and unconditional support. It was completely naive and unrealistic to think my love and devotion could heal a lifetime of scars.

Happy? I Doubt It

Happy?
I used to feel like I won the lottery because you loved me and always wanted to spend time with me. You were so handsome, sweet and had such a funloving, beautiful spirit. You made my heart stop. I had forgotten how silly and fun love can be. You said you never believed in soulmates until you met me. And you are such a horrible liar that I believed you.

Then suddenly u changed and disappeared right in front of my eyes. But I guess if you truly loved me and wanted me, you wouldn’t have let fear and manipulation keep you trapped in the prison you created.

You dont value me at all anymore and it was stupid and naive for me to hope for so long. Its over and you are out of my life for good. You destroyed my heart and I have to pick up the pieces and go on. You are a stranger, cold, distant and detached. Now ur actually a selfish egotistical asshole who knows he’s living a lie and whose soul is slowly withering and dying.

It’s Difficult But You Have To Move On

Sometimes the hardest and most important truths to realize are the ones that seem so basic and easy to understand.

For me, it’s like my heart and head have completely different ideas and agendas.

It’s been 3 months since P and I broke up and 6 weeks no contact. And while my head is completely secure in the knowledge that our deep connection has been irrevocably severed by his fear and cowardice, my heart still misses him so much sometimes. It creeps up on me out of nowhere and reminds me of the devastating pain and loss that almost crushed me 3 months ago.

Time does heal the pain but it still sucks. Especially given the fact that while I have many virtues, unfortunately patience is not among them.

Positive Outlooks Blog

There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don’t want to know, but have to learn. And people we can’t live without but have to let go. — Jennifer Jareau

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Those Damn Triggers

Every day I get a little stronger, happier and less haunted by the triggers. I guess when you have loved someone for almost 2 years, it takes longer than a few weeks to grieve, heal and move on.

Every week P (my ex whatever) would bring me Starbucks and it became one of many countless things associated with him.

Today after almost 1 month no contact, I finally went to a Starbucks at lunchtime. Lunch is another huge trigger as we would speak almost every day at that time. I teared up a little in the car before finally summoning my strength and going inside.

I have realized that he chose to stay in an unhappy marriage. That has to do with his fear and anxiety, not because of me. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you.

He is my past. My future has nothing to do with him or his dysfunctional way of life.