Rejection sucks.

rejection

Rejection can actually be extremely painful and traumatic.  This is a great article that explains why it’s so difficult to move on from.  I believe that it was the rejection I felt that made getting over my ex so difficult.  Not because he was so perfect or wonderful, but because I had never before felt so rejected or abandoned by someone who supposedly loved me.  It took me over a year to move on and finally let go of that love. Thankfully he doesn’t read my blog anymore.  He would read some of the articles about narcissism and cry. Apparently, truth and honesty don’t mix well with a fake, delusional and dysfunctional life.  He’d rather pretend and lie to himself.  After a lifetime of self-delusion and abuse?  It’s all he knows and, most likely, all he will ever know.  That is completely his choice.  But to allow her selfish behavior and malignant narcissism to screw up both of their children so irrevocably?  I think that’s just unforgivable.  I live my life in the light, not the darkness.  In the truth and not in lies. With him there will always be pain and suffering.  I’m going where the love is 🙂 


Rejection: A Loser’s Guide

by Adoree Durayappah-Harrison MAPP

Raise your hand if you have never heard any of the following lines in one form or another:

  • Let’s just be friends.
  • Unfortunately, we don’t have a position that meets your unique qualifications at this time.
  • We regret to inform you that we cannot grant you acceptance to X University.
  • You are very talented, and I expect you to do great things…elsewhere.

If you’ve finished reading this list and your hand is raised, please bring it down to face level. Cup your hand to your cheek. Pull it back three to five inches and traveling at an increased velocity slap yourself firmly in the face. Why? If you haven’t experienced rejection, this exercise serves as a simulation of what rejection feels like. Actually, a slap in the face is much more pleasant than rejection. Rejection is more of a swift punch to the solar plexus. But since punching oneself in the solar plexus requires dexterity and the knowledge of the location of your solar plexus, for demonstration purposes you must forgive me for choosing the former.

However, chances are you didn’t raise your hand. I’m willing to bet that if you are reading this article, you are all-too-familiar with that uninvited houseguest. Say hello to your good buddy, Rejection.

Now, what you probably already know about rejection is that he isn’t too shy about showing up at the most inappropriate places and at the most inopportune times.

In fact, some common situations where he loves to drop by include when you are:

  • Deeply in love
  • Chasing your dreams
  • Job hunting
  • Starting a new venture
  • Pursing your personal projects
  • Applying and auditioning

And, God knows this list is not exhaustive. Just when you have filed the restraining order and unlisted your phone number guess who managed to find you? That’s right: Rejection.

Your Old Nemesis: Rejection

Do you remember when you first met that meddlesome stranger? I remember the first time I shook his cold, clammy hand. I can still feel the sweat on my palm. It was summer camp; I was seven. We had to swim across the pool “freestyle” in order to earn a green plastic necklace announcing our admission into the coveted deep end. I thought “freestyle” meant we were free to pick any style we wanted. This is America after all! The style I picked was swimming at the bottom of the pool and not coming up for air. I did not earn the attractive green necklace. Instead, I sported a red one the entire duration of camp. I entered a “highly exclusive” group of non deep-end-goers made up of only two girls, a girl from Honduras and myself. Because she didn’t speak any English, we couldn’t even commiserate about our exclusion.

You probably remember your first encounter with rejection: being picked last in gym class or not getting into the advanced reading or math class in elementary school. Perhaps it came at home or on the playground.

Since a young age we have been tormented by rejection. We have seen rejection crop up at school, at work, in relationships, and in the pursuit of our dreams. Over the years, we have been rejected by significant others, from teams, from programs, from projects, from companies, from roles, from organizations, and from institutions.

Logic would suggest that if we have been confronting rejection since a young age on numerous occasions, over the years we should be experts at getting over rejection by now. We all know this isn’t the case.

Why Does Rejection Hurt Us So Badly?

The honest truth is that rejection sucks. Rejection hurts now and will in the future. (Good on you rejection for at least being consistent.)

The purpose of this article is to build our awareness about why rejection hurts so badly, and why even after years of exposure we are not immune to its pernicious effects. In this article we examine rejection psychologically and evolutionarily, to discover what is happening to us neurologically when we feel rejected and why anthropologically speaking, we are hardwired to fear rejection.

Rejection comes from Latin, meaning thrown back. When we are rejected, we feel not only halted but pushed back in the opposite direction of which we were headed. Now consider this, when rejected, how do we describe the event? We tend to say, “I was rejected.” Notice what is going on here. We are using passive voice. This indicates how we feel about the part we play in rejection. We view ourselves as passive, as being the victim of an action, as inactive, as nonparticipative.

Rejection Is Physiologically Heart-Breaking

Do you remember when I made you slap your face? Let’s return to that moment to continue the discussion of what it feels like to be rejected. Okay, you have just received the swift blow of rejection knocking you off guard and what happens? First, you are stunned, disoriented from the blow. You feel weak and helpless. Your body begins to shut down, as you lay there paralyzed from the injury. You might think that I am being overly dramatic, but this is what happens biologically when your body responds to rejection.

Scientists from the University of Amsterdam found that unexpected social rejection is associated with a significant response of the parasympathetic nervous system. Let’s take a quick time-out to discuss just what the heck is the parasympathetic nervous system. When the body is active, generally in fight or flight mode, the sympathetic system engages, heart rate quickens, pupils dilate, energy is directed towards allowing the body to react quickly. However, the parasympathetic system is responsible for when the body is at rest.

Remember how we discussed speaking of rejection in passive voice: “I was rejected”? Well, studies have found that after rejection not only do we think passively, but also we act passively. When faced with unexpected social rejection, research has found that “feeling that you are not liked” results in our heart rate actually slowing down, an activity of the parasympathetic nervous system. Thus, feeling rejected results in you reacting both psychologically and physically. It is interesting to mention that in this study participants’ heart rates fell not only when they heard a person’s unfavorable opinion of them but also in anticipation of hearing a person’s opinion. If told that the person’s opinion of him or her was unfavorable, the individual’s heart rate plummeted even further and took longer to return to baseline. Additionally, heart rates slowed even more when individuals expected a positive opinion but received a negative one. This explains how rejection, especially the kind that blindsides you, literally feels heartbreaking.

We Are Hard-Wired to Fear Rejection

As human beings, we are extremely sensitive to rejection, especially forms of social rejection. We have a strong motivation to seek approval and acceptance. If we take an anthropological perspective, we can see how back in the day-I’m talking about back in the 10,000 BC day-you knew that if you were on your own, your chance of survival was nil. You needed your tribe for food, shelter, and protection. Being rejected from others meant imminent death. Evolutionarily speaking, we are hardwired to form social relationships and strongly motivated to feel liked and feel like we belong.

Getting Over a Breakup Is Like Getting Over a Cocaine Addiction

Neurologically speaking, rejection sucks! And, arguably the worst type of rejection is romantic rejection. Getting over a breakup is like getting over an addition to cocaine. Oh, that isn’t just my personal viewpoint; it is also the opinion and the scientific finding of researchers at Stony Brook University. The researchers found that the area of the brainthat is active during the pain and anguish experienced during a breakup is the same part of the brain associated with motivation, reward, and addiction cravings. Brain imaging shows similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving.

Rejection hurts so acutely because we get addicted to the relationship, only to have it taken away from us. And after, just like a drug addiction, we go through withdrawal.

We Aren’t That Good at Dealing With Loss

In general humans aren’t good with dealing with loss. We tend to view loss as much more significant than gain. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman received the Nobel Prize for his work in Prospect Theory. Prospect Theory describes how people make choices in situations where they have to decide between alternatives that involve risk. The model discusses how people realistically decide rather than evidencing how one should make the most optimal decision. Using empirical evidence as the base, the theory describes how individuals evaluate potential losses and gains.

Individuals view the pain of losing $50 as much stronger than the joy of receiving $50. Thus, we tend to be loss averse and will be motivated to avoid risks that involve losing rather than take risks involved in the potential for gains.

Now that we can give the scientific explanation of why rejection sucks and can sound smarter at cocktail parties, let us move on to explore how rejection impairs us not only in the moment but also in the long-term.

After Rejection We Stop Trying and Taking Risks

Sadly there is no surgeon general warning that comes with rejection. So, we must conduct our own exploration into the major effects of rejection that are most inimical to our psychological and physical health. First, we see that rejection can lead to the reduction of hope and the reluctance to take risks.

Psychological studies have proven this outcome. This phenomenon is known in the scientific community as learned helplessness. Psychologist Martin Seligman and Steve Maier discovered during a series of experiments that dogs who had previously “learned” that nothing they did had any effect on preventing shocks when placed in a new situation, where they could have easily escaped the shock, simply lay down passively and whined. Learned helplessness refers to the condition in which animals or human beings learn to behave helplessly, viewing their actions as producing no effective result even when attempting to avoid an unpleasant or harmful situation.

After facing rejection, individuals often feel as if their actions fail to produce any desired effect. As a result, individuals can lose hope that the situation can be improved at all. And, just as the dogs in the experiment, what do we tend to do after a strong blow of rejection? We lie down passively and whine. We complain about how we were wronged saying that the world hates us and that the outcome is completely unfair. But, do we try and take action? No. Rather, we stay in that fetal position and continue to sing our song of sorrows and think why try if there is no point.

We are such diligent students of learned helplessness that we can even learn vicariously. By observing others encountering uncontrollable events, we too can become helpless and passive. Rejection is so strong that even the mere presence of it around us makes as run home to our mommies, worried that if he just beat up Timmy, who knows what he will do when he gets a hold of us. The result: we give up on our goals because we are so preoccupied with failing.

To see the rest of this article go to  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thriving101/201012/rejection-losers-guide

Heal from Heartbreak & Fear of Abandonment

heartbreak

This is an AMAZING article that I really wish had been written when I was healing from my own heartbreak and dealing with abandonment issues. As someone who had never experienced abandonment before, I had no idea how traumatic it is and how incredibly painful!  It took so much longer than I could have ever imagined and I suffered horrible withdrawals. Thankfully those days are behind me (except for a drunk dial I committed 2 weeks ago, we have had no contact.)  My husband and I are getting closer every day and I am happier and more content than I have been in years.

How To Heal From Heartbreak & Conquer Your Fear Of Abandonment

by Tazeen Mohsin Imran

“How could he just disappear like that? He promised to marry me,” my client said, as she wiped her tears. Most of us are familiar with betrayal. Partners, friends, and even family members can make a commitment and then disappear.

I had a very close, longtime friend, and eventually our relationship extended into work. I became part of her business team. She constantly made commitments and broke them on a whim. I often ignored it, justifying that maybe she was keeping the bigger picture in mind.

One day, our work relationship ended, with no warning on my end. I confronted her about the broken commitments. She insisted it was all in my head and continued to assure me that she would be there as a friend, no matter what. And then she stopped responding.

When people with whom we share a deep bond with disappear, the immediate reaction is confusion and doubt. We start questioning where we went wrong and whether we should continue to pursue the relationship. Left unexplored, these thoughts can fester into anger, depression, and resentment in the long run.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Here are the strategies I’ve learned to employ when someone I care about pulls a disappearing act.

1. Don’t take it personally.

While relating this story to another friend, she laughed and said, “You, too?” That got me out of my head, reminding me this happens to everyone. Rejection hurts, but it often has nothing to do with our how worthy of love we are. People’s behavior is a reflection of their own beliefs, values, feelings, and thought patterns. When we personalize their behavior, we start to spiral into self-blame and unworthiness. Viewing it as a choice made independently of your behavior or nature allows you to address it from an objective perspective.

2. Avoid the impulse to start thinking of them as “other.”

It’s very natural to want to develop a sense of otherness from people in your life. It’s differentiating them from you. But when we actively separate ourselves from people as a response to pain they’ve caused, we sacrifice our empathy for them. We can no longer relate to them.

On the other hand, identifying similarities between ourselves and others, we reconnect to our shared humanity. The Buddhist Loving-Kindness Meditationinvolves sending goodwill to ourselves and all those who have hurt us. As I began to practice this, saying “just like me, you want love,” I found a space where I could identify with and feel compassion for both myself and my friend.

3. Take responsibility.

Brené Brown said, “Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children. We’re hardwired for connection — it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” This very need is often ignored when we blame others and shrug off our own culpability.

Deep down, we just want love, and we get so afraid of losing that person that we ignore the reality of the situation. By owning what we did or did not do, we share the responsibility of creating that reality. This empowers us to make better choices in the future rather than just being a victim of someone else’s choices……

Finish reading the rest of this article  here: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23898/how-to-heal-from-heartbreak-conquer-your-fear-of-abandonment.html

Regrets, I Have A Few

Today I regret meeting him, falling in love with him and giving him my whole heart. Because I unknowingly gave him a tiny part of my soul. And while I have recovered the pieces of my shattered heart, and it is healing very well, I truly feared he would always claim ownership over my soul. It is not what I want or would ever choose for myself. But it is what seems to have happened. Thankfully, now that I realize how damaged and miserable he is, I have stopped being afraid. And now I know only God has anything to do with my soul.

Life is a journey with many twists and turns. Until recently, I felt like I would never be that happy again. Do you have any idea how horrible it made me feel to know that all my love and devotion meant so little to him? That he is sooo addicted to the frigid narcissist and chasing her unworthy ass that he will give her chance after chance to show how much she doesn’t care about him or their kids?

Or, she shuts you off sexually, avoids intimacy, and shows you no warmth so that you feel abandoned. If you seek comfort elsewhere, she can paint you as the bad guy for having an affair—never mind that she starved you of love and affection.

She’ll also blame you for her frigidity by saying that “maybe” she would have wanted to have sex with you more often if you weren’t so—fill in the blank—”angry, hostile, distant, spent too much time at work (to support her, mind you), or were ‘nicer’ to her.” She makes you feel like the sexual deviant, pathologizing you for the very natural desire for emotional and sexual intimacy. In reality, she’s the one who can’t handle intimacy and has seriously warped sexuality issues.

Why would anyone CHOOSE to stay addicted to an empty person exactly like this? She actually videos herself at the gym now and puts it on instagram!!!!! LMAO! Narcissist party of one?!

Does he even realize how much of a fool he has become? Over the last 8 months, he may be thinner but he’s lost more of himself. He’s colder, harder and more selfish like her than ever. He used to be kind, sweet and loving. He needs love and affection more than anyone I have ever met in my life, yet he stays with a woman who never touches him ever lol. It’s sick and I want to forget I ever knew him, loved him and now pity him.

His complete abandonment and betrayal has damaged me in ways I never thought possible.  This is not what I want anymore. He is too screwed up and stuck to ever be worth risking my heart again.

I want him gone. Erased from my memories and cast out from my heart. Remembering what once was does me no good and wishing things were different is absolutely pointless. But that doesn’t seem to have stopped me from wishing he was a stronger man, a better man.  A man that would’ve found a way not to hurt me and let me go. He wasn’t and he never will be.

So why did he feel like a part of me? Why was I so sure for so long (until very recently) that he is my destiny? I don’t want him in my life anymore. I only want peace and joy. With him there would just be more suffering. I’ve suffered quite enough thanks.

Please be very careful who you entrust with the precious gift of your heart. It will irrevocably change you and you might not get all the pieces back if it is broken.

I know I am very lucky to have learned this before I made a huge, irrevocable mistake. While this was a very painful chapter in my life, I am coming out the other side. I am wiser, stronger and better than before. And yes I am going where the love is 🙂

Into The Fire

walking into fire

 

Today is P’s birthday.  The addict in me wants to unblock him and make contact.  My brain actually tries to come up with valid reasons and excuses! Thankfully, I know it is full of crap lol.  And really, to what end?  It would just do more harm to both of us, especially me.  So instead of doing something I would absolutely regret, I am blogging about it.

I almost cannot believe it has been 6 months since we have seen one another.  I saw him almost every single week, sometimes twice.  He took me to Radio City Music Hall for a concert for my birthday last year and we went away for 3 days together for his last spring.   We met 2 years ago this week. And while I still miss him so much it hurts sometimes, I do not miss the chaos and dysfunction that permeates his life. I do not miss the addictive way I craved his love.

I really thought he was someone who treasured my heart. Someone who would never abuse my trust and who cherished me. Ultimately, he couldn’t overcome all his fears and anxiety.   The simple fact is that he could and did hurt me and himself.  Nothing can change that and while I have forgiven him, I cannot forget the broken promises and how easily he was controlled and bullied into submission.  Definitely not attractive in a person.

Now I don’t know what would’ve happened.  Maybe I would’ve been miserable dealing with all his problems and issues.  I guess we will never know.  It wasn’t my choice but I have had to come to terms and accept it.  We were always able to tackle any problem together, so I had faith.  He taught me how much joy and fun life has to offer and he says I taught him how to love.  That he never knew how much peace and happiness you could feel just sitting on a bench holding hands and watching the planes fly by.  My heart is almost healed and I am taking it day by day.

I think the one element that has been bothering me is this.  If he had any kind of loving, caring wife who genuinely cared about him and wanted to fix their marriage, I would be hurt but I would understand that decision.  But that is NOT what he has nor what he will ever have.  So so is not a very good person but she is a master at faking it as she has been doing it all her life.  She is a frigid, fake narcissist who uses fear, threats, lies and intimidation to manipulate, bully and control.  She lacks any real empathy and this will not change.  This codependent, dysfunctional relationship obviously works for them and they are welcome to it.  Not good enough to be happy but not terrible enough to leave.  A kind of permanent purgatory.

For me, life is too short not to be happy.

I know now he is back to a sex life consisting solely of porn on his Kindle and his hand.  I saw this cartoon and I could not help but think of him 😉

cartoon marriage funny

Make You Feel My Love

This is one of the songs P told me makes him miss me and cry.  It’s such a heartfelt rendition. You can feel the love in Lea Michele’s voice after the death of her real life boyfriend, Cory Monteith.

“Make You Feel My Love”

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.
When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.I know you haven’t made your mind up yet,
But I will never do you wrong.
I’ve known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue,
And I’d go crawling down the avenue.
No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

Why NC is necessary!

Wow I just found this in my drafts. I wrote this last month. I was so delusional to ever think talking to him would do anything but bring me down. I am so much happier without all the crazy bullshit!

I don’t even know where to begin. I was fine with the way P and I left things on Tuesday. I got answers and closure. Basically he said he is now experiencing the horrible sadness, loneliness and pain that I did when we broke up. Except while mine got better, his is getting worse.

Wednesday I honestly wish I had just ignored him. I hadn’t slept much the night before and was not expecting further contact.  I think he was embarrassed for crying the day before because he was weird.  He kept alternating between asking me if we could ever be together and trying to make me think I still wanted to be with him because I love him so much.  When I said I used to love him past tense, he said he’s not ready to leave and he has hope she can change and be affectionate.  It took me back to November and I actually started crying.

The most important part is that I have to find a way to tell my husband that I spoke to P.  Knowing that I was getting prepared to leave him back in November devastated him. His greatest fear is that I will go back to P and leave.  I see now how completely selfish and disrespectful it was to speak to him.

I will continue to go where the love is.

Promise You Will Forget The Hurt

I love the idea that one day we will forget the hurt, the pain, the sadness and even those that caused it.

I cannot wait for my heart to be completely healed. I have made a lot of progress the past few months. I have not contacted P and he has not contacted me. I can only hope that continues as we have said all we needed to say.

I am so grateful for all the love, kindness and support I have found in our little blogosphere. I truly don’t think I could have gotten to such a good place without all of you who read my words and see my heart.

I know today is a good day and I also realize each day is different. Tomorrow may be a shitstorm lol. Who knows? But I do believe after everything I have been through in my life, the best is yet to come.

Positive Outlooks Blog

Someday, we’ll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again.  — Unknown

Man walking at sunset

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Song of the day

Today was a great day then it got a little difficult probably because I went to bed too late and the dreaded PMS (yes all the guys have immediately left the room I’m sure lol).

While this is not one of our songs, it always reminds me of P. I just want to remember him one day without all the pain and heartache. Unfortunately that day isn’t today.

I’m leaning into the curve, secure in the knowledge that tomorrow will be better and happier.

Out of the Fog

What made me love him so much? Why did I completely romanticize our relationship? Yes he was gorgeous, funny and sweet. But he was also self-absorbed, negative and extremely neurotic. And he took so much more than he gave.

Despite the fact that his father physically abused him for years and his Mother mentally abused him, he has never confronted either about the abuse and sees them daily. He said it’s quite common for 100% Italians who came from Italy and settled in the Bronx. My father-in-law is 100% Italian and was not ever abused or abusive so I call BULLSHIT. His father was a functioning alcoholic and his Mom was raised by an aunt

I come from an amazingly loving and supportive family who are very close. But any 45 year-old man whose mother repeatedly strolls into his house with a spare key (for emergencies yeah right lol) and right into his bedroom without even knocking? This guy has some serious Mommy issues!

It’s not a family, it’s a dysfunctional creepy cult led by a Mom who literally stalks him day after day until he gives in and does what she wants. But because they smile pretty for the camera and put on a happy face in public, the facade continues.

How is it that his mother, wife and daughter are all controlling psychotic bullies? I only wish I had known all this in the beginning. The sickest part was the way he constantly sought approval from this family that just weren’t kind, supportive or loving.

I thought he had to be making them seem worse than they really were. So a bunch of times he would put the phone on speaker, hold it or put it in his pocket so I could hear. He wasn’t embellishing! But they are all he has and all he knows.

The final straw? When he changed his cell number without even an email or text months after we broke up. I had told him not to contact me again and he agreed. She had been wanting him to change his number for months. He promised if he did, he’d let me know before he did it. I said it’s fine if you do.Just shoot me an email so I’m not surprised. He didn’t. That was 2 months ago.

Foolishly, in a weak moment, I dialed him from a restricted number just to hear his voice. So stupid, I know. That’s how I found out it was changed. I didn’t think it was possible to be anymore hurt and disappointed. I was wrong.

I immediately lost it and called him at home. He usually would be alone. His friggin Mom answered at 11am on a Thursday! Can we say Norman Bates? I just hung up, horrified and feeling totally out of control. He called me back and said he thought it would make it easier for both of us. Yeah right!

I never ever felt like a dirty mistress until that day. And I knew in that moment, I would never ever put my battered, broken heart through this ever again.

It was my first and last affair. Affairs only seem like a good idea when you are in one.