Forgiveness & Letting Go

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It’s been quite a long time since I have written about P. That is mostly because there hasn’t been anything to write about. Except for a very regrettable drunk call I made back in February, we have not spoken in months.  I have let him go in most ways, but there was always something missing.  No matter how hard I tried, I had been unable to forgive him. Even though I knew it was for me, not him, I just could not seem to manage it.

While letting go is a process that happens over time and with continued effort, I believe forgiveness is a one shot deal.  Either you forgive someone or you don’t.  Once you forgive, it’s done and you can’t undo it.  Now this doesn’t mean that you forget or keep forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts you.  That’s abusing yourself and allowing others to do the same.

Unfortunately as much as we want to forgive and/or let go of what hurts us, sometimes we just simply aren’t ready.  I had let go months ago but I was still missing that last piece of the puzzle.  I knew it was time to forgive and I wanted to very much, but something wouldn’t let me. I tried over and over again to no avail.  I was better in so many ways and happy for the first time in over a year.

Then P called to wish me a happy birthday. I was actually pretty surprised and not very gracious lol. He was kind and it was nice catching up.  And as we were talking, the most amazing thing happened.  All that pain, sadness, anger and rejection I have felt for over a year now?  It just disappeared!  I forgave him and I feel so free!!  I literally feel lighter and even happier than I have been the last few months.  It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

He told me he loved me and still loves me.  That is why he can’t have me in his life.  It hurts and confuses him. It’s too hard and it’s not healthy.  I understand that and I agree. He says his narcissist (so so) has been trying to treat him better and he’s okay. I told him that my H and I are doing really well and I’m happy.  I thanked him for letting me go and removing me from all that dysfunction.  I’m at peace and I am going to continue to go where the love is!

Monday Musings

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The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set because they’ll know another chance will always be given. They’re not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won’t walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you.
~Trent Shelton

Unfortunately, I had to learn this lesson the hard way. Looking back it’s so clear, but I was blinded by love. Ok, if I’m totally honest I was blind, deaf and dumb lol!!!

Most of the time P and I got along really well but when he would get anxious, he would start to pull away and that made me feel completely out of control and hurt.  Looking back, it seems so clear he was conflicted about us and I should have just let him walk away.

We really do teach people what we will accept and not accept in terms of the way we are treated. Loving someone doesn’t mean they get a free pass to hurt and disrespect us. We need to love ourselves enough to walk away, no matter how painful it is.

I definitely should’ve walked away a few months before we actually broke up.  If I had been true to myself, not so friggin weak and addicted to him? People tell me how strong I am but I wasn’t strong enough to see the truth. Sometimes love just isn’t enough, it takes faith and trust from BOTH of you.

Now I know that no one is ever worth losing my self-respect and my dignity.  If someone truly loves you, you won’t have to fight to keep them. They will want to be there. If they don’t? YOU HAVE TO LET THEM GO, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS!!  And believe me I know it hurts like hell.  It hurts so damn much, you don’t know how you will ever pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and carry on. Even if you believe you are soulmates, twin flames or maybe that you met in another life. Even if you believe with every piece of your heart and soul that you were meant to be together.

I am here to tell you, YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN! I am living proof that life does go on and so will your heart (just like that song lol).

Please do yourself a favor, take a deep breath and just let go 🙂

Turn the Page

I’ve been off from work all week, just relaxing and spending time with family and friends. I feel really good today. Full of hope and happiness 🙂

This is an old post but it’s a great lesson that I learned the hard way. Sending everyone hugs, love and healing. Go where the love is!

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A Time to Fight – And a Time to Let Go

This is such an important article. I agree that there is definitely a time to fight and there is also a time to let go. For some of us letting go is easier than others.

When is the moment that you know you have to let go? This is an important question for all of us. Have I done as much as I can? Is it ok to let go?

Source: A Time to Fight – And a Time to Let Go
From survivednarc.wordpress.com

Now We Are Free

I thought my stress, sadness and exhaustion the few weeks in December were from the holiday hustle n bustle and all the loss my H and I have suffered. Then I thought maybe it was work. I even scared myself into worrying maybe after all these years on the same meds, they had finally stopped working.

Instead it was my conflicted heart that was causing me so much pain n turmoil. A part of me had been foolishly waiting all these months for Putz to realize how much I mean to him. For him to come after me. But when he emailed and called a lot a few months ago, I realized I no longer believe his lies. I told him no over and over because I don’t trust him with my heart and I seriously doubt I ever could. He stopped being the man I loved and wanted last December. And absolutely nothing has changed in a year.

He put my love in a box a long time ago and has been able to live without it or me. Deep in my heart, I am certain that’s not the kind of man I could ever be truly happy with.

I believe everything happens for a reason and that I was meant to be here for my H when his Mom died. I believe that with all my heart. And no matter what happens in the future, he will always be my family.

And last December Putz’s family was ready to disown him because they still didn’t know the truth about so so. For years she had been poisoning his own family against him and he had no idea. Now they have seen the truth for themselves and they loathe her and her fake selfish ways. He has their love and support and I’m glad for him.

It saddens me to know that he is so unbalanced that he will probably see my no longer wanting him like the bull sees the matador waving the red flag. I am way too old to have any interest in childish, ridiculous games.

Every day he stays in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, he puts his needs above those of his kids. By not facing the truth, he keeps them trapped in a nightmare that they cannot escape from. Until he clearly says, “NO! I WILL NO LONGER LET U ABUSE ME OR OUR CHILDREN” they will all stay miserable forever.

I think choosing to live so many years without real love, companionship, sex and intimacy shows just how damaged he is. Not nearly good enough to be happy but not bad enough to leave. Maybe he’s just comfortable in his unhappiness. He’s actually surprised that even after getting sex, he’s still not happy with a narcissist! Duhh lol

Leaving a narcissistic relationship is one of the hardest, most devastating, break-ups you will ever endure. But survival is indeed a possibility. Narcissists are typically charming, captivating, intelligent and manipulative. They are difficult to let go of, plus it also means coming to terms with the fact that the person you loved was not the person you thought he or she was. Furthermore, it means admitting to the painful and humiliating things you endured during your relationship. And then just when you have the strength to finally leave, the narcissist turns your emotions upside down again with guilt, intimidation or original charm, telling you the exact words you have been waiting to hear (“I love you, I’ll change”, etc.).

By Alexander Burgemeester from the NarcissistLife.com

Thankfully this story already has a happy ending. On New Years Eve, all the desire and compulsive addictive destructive need to contact miraculously disappeared. It’s been such a tremendous gift of peace and acceptance. I’m not yet at my goal of 100% indifference but there are days now when I rarely think of him at all. His part in my story is over, of that I am certain. And the fact that I’m smiling peacefully and with gratitude as I write this? That says more than words could ever convey.

It’s 2016 folks and I am going where the love and amazing sex is 🙂

Letting Go of Toxic Relationships

Love someone who hurt you

http://relationshipfree.com/all-about-toxic-relationships-and-how-to-let-go/

By Sarah Webb

Don’t be upset if people prefer another to you, it’s difficult to convince a monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas. Anonymous

Are you in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself? Are you doubting yourself or finding you’re having paranoid thoughts about your actions and their impact? Do you find yourself acting out in ways that you never have before? Are you constantly distressed and not sure if you’re relationship is coming or going? Are you isolated from your loved ones or has your self-esteem plummeted due to continuing this relationship? I bet you can’t recognise yourself anymore too… DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT!

We have all encountered toxic people in our life, but for those of us unlucky enough to experience a toxic relationship, you will understand how these feelings and symptoms mentioned above crept subtly into your relationship and started affecting it, and how painful it is to let the person go – particularly because you will generally love them and care for them that little bit extra because they have needed you and dragged you down at the same time.

Sometimes we need to love someone from a distance and unfortunately this means the process of detoxing yourself from them. If your partner is putting you down, crushing your spirit or you have found out that they are cheating on you, this blog is for you. Today we look at how you can release yourself from a toxic relationship and get on with a happier life – even if it means being alone.

What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel consistently bad about yourself. You may find yourself fending off subtle jabs or downright insults, dealing with unreliability or perhaps even deceit. A toxic relationship leaves you feeling anxious, unrewarded and unaccepted.

Still unsure? Check out this blog by Love Panky about the different types of toxic people and toxic-style relationships. In some cases, some of these can overlap, some people may check every box. As Natalie Avdeeva points out, the types of people who are toxic are:
– Controlling
– Jealous
– Bitchy
– Negative-thinking
– They put you down
– They cheat on you
– They lie to you (don’t put up with lies!)
– They’re abusive
– They blame you
– They are extremely insecure
– They’re demanding
– They’re over-the-top perfectionists
– They’re narcissistic
– They’re competitive
– They’re manipulative.

Here’s a checklist of symptoms of a toxic relationship:
– It feels as though no matter what you do or how hard you try, you can’t do anything right
– Are they constantly putting you down?
– Everything is about them and never about you, when you make it about you – they quickly manipulate it back to be about them again
– You find yourself unable to enjoy the good times
– Are you so emotionally dependant on each other that you can’t do anything alone?
– You’re uncomfortable being yourself (which is why you lose track of who you are!)
– They refuse to allow you to grow or change
– Is there a constant drama and it always feels so far out of your control?
– They start controlling you until you feel completely lost and confused.

If you answered ‘yes’ to two or more of these – these are your red flags … GET OUT NOW! GO!

Can you fix a toxic relationship?
Maybe … but at the time it is toxic, definitely not. You need to muster up all your courage and find a place to escape far away from the person. The following steps will hopefully lead you to a path where you’re feeling back on track rapidly. It is better to cut this person completely free from your life, and not consider any point of return, than to consider any kind of future with them. Whatever happens, do not encourage the bad behaviour. You deserve better!

What do I do if I suspect I’m in a toxic relationship but I’m not entirely sure?
Keep a diary – then no matter what they say, you can refer back and see what the reality was for yourself. By keeping a diary you will have a heap of evidence to validate your actions and words and it will help you to rebuild yourself quicker.

Throughout a toxic relationship, you’ll notice your self-esteem will plunge while the level of self-doubt rises so high that you feel like you’re drowning in it. Every time you’re left, you will hate yourself, blame yourself and become overwhelmed by guilt. By keeping a diary of how the person is making you feel, their actions and words, you can look back and go: “Hold up – no, the reality was this! Here’s what you said and did, here’s what I said and did.”

What if I stay?
The hard truth is: generally these relationships lead to the toxic person cheating on you. Talk about adding insult to injury! So after all the pain you’ve suffered as they’ve crushed your spirit, you also have the pain that you never truly had them to begin with. This is why it’s important that you acknowledge you’re in a toxic relationship and leave EARLY – to save yourself any further pain. Look out for the alarm bells and signs of a toxic relationship they come in all forms mentioned above.

Giving Up The Need For Closure

By Zari Ballard

For a victim to recover from narcissist abuse, he or she must be ready and willing to give up the need for closure because it is never going to happen. When we receive the inevitable Discard (after an eternity of being Devalued), it is often our longing for closure that keeps us hanging on and incapable of moving forward.

As a victim, we become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that we’re willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that we think we want. But the ending never comes. For everything we did for the narcissist and for all the tears we cried, we’re left with nothing. For all the months and years that we wasted, we naturally (and rightfully!) want some type of closure (no matter what it is) we’ll even make ourselves crazier than we already are trying to devise a way to make it happen!

That’s right – closure! It’s spelled C-L-O-S-U-R-E, damn it! And by God, I’m going to stay in my miserable relationship, letting that narcissist treat me like shit until I get it! Yeah, that’s right…what do you ya think about that!! Oh, you’ll see… I’ll hang in there ’till I’m nothing and she destroys me. I’ll stay in this fucked up mess as long as it takes to get the closure that I want…you can count on that!

Oh yes…victims of narcissistic abuse can be as stubborn as the N when it comes to getting what they want. Unfortunately, there’s exists a very huge problem. Victims conveniently forget that the narcissist likes it when we suffer. In fact, our suffering is the most important part of the narcissist’s relationship agenda. Therefore, giving us closure so that we feel all warm and fuzzy as she walks away is not going to be an option – ever.

What? You don’t care about my closure?? Oh yeah, well…well, go ahead and don’t care! See if I care that you don’t care about caring about me who cares about you! We’ll see who doesn’t care! I want my closure and you’re gonna give it to me if it’s the last thing you do…I’ll hang in there till the bitter end!

The more we whine and cry about not being given a proper good-by, the more the N pushes the envelope. She simply doesn’t care about ever making us happy and she’ll always get the last word (even if that means she leaves without saying any words at all!). As we know, the narcissist is the only human on earth who can make a silent treatment sound like all hell breaking loose. Her entire life is a show of smoke and mirrors and she can play the Pretender to five targets at once if she has to.  All the letters, all the tears, all the begging and pleading……if it hasn’t worked up until this point, what the hell are we thinking?? It’s time to let go of the narcissist and walk away. It’s time to realize that we really don’t know what the word closure even means. I believe that, when it ends…when we receive the final discard…the only closure that we really want involves the narcissist hoovering her way back…and if that’s not going to happen, then the closure we want involves some bad-ass, fucking revenge!

I want my closure!! Give me my closure! You can’t leave me without closure! How can you do that? I hate you! I love you! Don’t leave me…no, go ahead and go…see if I care…I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, cheat on me all you want, see if I care…when you get done, I’ll be right here waiting for my closure….because it’s coming..oh yeah, it’s coming..and you’re gonna give it to me…aren’t you? Don’t you love me? Hey, don’t turn your back on me…I haven’t got my closure yet…When I get  my closure, I can rest in peace. But then I’ll be sad. Hey, are you listening to me???

(the scene fades to black…and then repeats itself…again and again and again)

You will make yourself crazy pretending to seek a closure that truly doesn’t exist. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. When we’re involved with a narcissistic partner, the fact that we feel this horrible void at the point of break-up is very deliberate. The narcissist manages down our relationship expectations so low that we’d rather suffer in the emptiness and wait for her return than accept the fact that she only returns to ensure our unhappiness.

The time is now to find your way out of the rabbit hole and giving up closure is the first and most important step in the journey back.

Stay strong!!!

Letting Go and Feeling Good About It

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Letting Go and Feeling Good About It

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” — Ann Landers

Letting go isn’t easy, especially in relationships. And letting go of your marriage, spouse or partner can be one of the hardest things to do in life. Yet, it can be the most rewarding, positive, life-changing experience you will ever have. Letting go allows you to express your real self — the one that doesn’t require any attachments to feel safe or happy. Truth be told, your real self already has everything you need to feel secure and happy. Be willing to get to know the real you. That begins with letting go of those people (places or things) that you mistakenly believed brought you security and/or happiness. That belief (which you have the power to change) keeps you imprisoned and locked in a cycle of low self-worth, dependency, and misguided duty or obligation. Very unhealthy, to say the least.

There are other reasons why it’s good to let go. For one thing, it allows you to make room for new, positive experiences. When you let go of a person with whom you’ve had a relationship, you are in a position to create something totally new. It’s your chance to take all those things you loved about your past relationship as well as all those things you wished you had but didn’t, and combine them as your vision for your ultimate relationship. Of course, if you’re not ready for that, you can still use that opening to do something in your life you never had the chance to do before. Try something new!

But aside from the reasons why you should let go, there’s still the dilemma of how you’re going to feel good about it. It just doesn’t seem that easy when you’re letting go of someone you’ve loved or still love. But consider this: You, as a divine and creative being, have the power to choose to feel good about it. In my experience, this is something most people miss. We are conditioned to believe that letting go of a relationship, marriage, spouse or partner is going to make us feel bad. We don’t even consider the idea that we can actually choose to feel good about it. While it’s natural to feel sad over your loss, you don’t need to be stuck in that sadness for as long as you think. Know that the most crucial first step to feeling good about letting go is to simply decide to. Your decision about how your future experience will be determines your outcome. You have that power of choice, so use it!

This isn’t to deny or suppress your emotions. On the contrary, choosing to feel good about letting go actually helps to view and express them in a much healthier manner. You won’t dwell upon your grief and sadness, thereby perpetuating it even further. Instead, your emotions become more balanced as you detach from the drama of it all.

Once you make the decision to feel good about letting go, you can follow these suggestions to help that good feeling continue:

  • Stop forfeiting your time doing things you don’t love.Although it’s necessary to allot time to your responsibilities and obligations, don’t waste your time on thoughts or activities that consistently bring you down. Stop reading negative, angry or depressing posts, watching sad movies about lost love or listening to songs about heartache. They don’t serve you in the least. Use your time doing things that support what you love and enjoy — especially if it’s creative and fun. And do them without guilt.
  • Go out in nature.Nature has a very healing and uplifting effect. Spend at least 30 minutes a day outside. Connect with the earth, trees, plants and animals. If you can be near water, that’s even better! I believe that water is cleansing to the emotions and mental clutter. In time, your outing will help you to feel the energy of a positive, new beginning.
  • Happily daydream and wonder.Use the creative imagination of your inner child to wonder what it would be like if you had ______ or experienced ______ (but don’t include your ex in it, as that would defeat the purpose). Do this daily. Your joyful inner child is begging to be expressed, so let your imagination lead the way. When you think and dream of joyful and magical things, you become happier! And so what if you feel silly — being silly always brings a smile, right?

Once you let go, you allow the universe to step in to bring benefit to everyone involved — especially you. Benefit = goodness, health, happiness, prosperity, blessings, assistance…. the list goes on. Holding on creates unhealthy attachments that hurt everyone involved — especially you. By holding on and believing that letting go feels “bad,” you’re not going to see or feel the benefits. Your thoughts and beliefs about letting go are your biggest detractors so change them and decide to feel good about it. You just might find your newfound freedom feels good after all.

This article was written by Pamela Dussault, creator of www.PassageToInnerJoy.com.

When Letting Go is Hard To Do

This is a great article for all those people who search Letting Go on my blog every day. I think it takes as long as it takes. Which is never fast enough lol. I can honestly say I am on the other side now. It took much longer than I could have ever imagined to come to a place of indifference. But I’m so grateful and happy the pain is gone. I also have faith that someday I will know why it all happened and what it meant. All that matters is I have never been happier! I’m going where the love and great sex are!

When Letting Go is Hard To Do  http://theimperfectgirll.com/2015/10/12/when-letting-go-is-hard-to-do/

Why is it so hard to let go of people that continues to cause you pain?

If you think about it, it’s more painful to hold on, than it is to let go. But time and time again, we find ourselves holding on to toxic relationships, marriages, friendships, even family members, when everything…every clue…every sign is pointing to you LETTING GO and walking away.

Freedom

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love in such a way

I am feeling a lot better about the whole Putz thing. For so long I have felt like he chose her over me. Honestly, I have never felt as unwanted, not good enough, ugly and abandoned in my whole life as I have this past year. As you can imagine, it was pretty terrible and, not to mention, completely ego crushing. Thankfully, I have a healthy self-image and I know I’m pretty and sexy. But it still threw me into a tailspin for a while.

Recently I have realized that he didn’t choose her over me. It’s always upset him whenever I said this because he said it’s just not true. He chose to try to fix what he already had rather than leave and start over. I cannot fault him for marrying such a trashy woman 20 years ago when he was young and idiotic. But now? Knowing all he knows about who she is, what she has done and what she is capable of? I think only a fool would choose to stay with such a selfish, shallow woman who lies and manipulates on such a regular basis. Put aside the shoplifting and giving his sister stolen baby clothes (yeah that sister will NEVER forgive her lol). Even put aside being such a shitty wife and mother. Both his sisters and his Mom have told him she spent years slowly and methodically turning his own family against him for no reason!!!  Who does that?  And what kind of person says ok, I can forgive you for my family treating me like dirt for the last decade? LOL He is sooo far from perfect and has more issues, illnesses and baggage than an airport but he is not knowingly destructive to anyone but himself. Well, him and me. He definitely destroyed my once unwavering faith and belief in him and us. Whatever his reasons and excuses, the fact is that it’s time to close this extremely painful chapter of my life and leave the love I had for him in the past.

I spent all this year missing the man he was, not the man he has become. That is a huge difference. He is now a stranger to me, and not someone I want a relationship with. And that’s perfectly okay. I cannot say that he has been good to me in a very long time. But in all honesty, I have also been less than gracious many, many times this past year (ok fine, I was kind of crazy lol). I was just so unbelievably hurt, angry, sad, lost, betrayed and broken for such a long time and it has taken me this whole year to put myself back together. I have many friends here to thank for that as well as my family and friends. So thank you to all of you for your unending kindness, support, humor, compassion and love. Finding WordPress and starting a blog has truly changed my life for the better.

But at the end of the day, more than anyone, I have to thank my husband. He is an extremely good man and a lovely person. I love him with all my heart and while I still don’t know if we will make it as husband and wife, he will always be my family and nothing can change that.

I just really want to be happy and I am most days. Happiness comes from within and I have always had that. I feel free and I’m grateful for all the many blessings in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I am moving forward, going where the love and great sex is!

How Many Chances?

 

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I know some people would rather I never mention a certain person EVER AGAIN lol. If that is the case, skip this post and come back tomorrow lol. Please let me be 100% clear.  This was how I felt IN THE PAST.  It is NOT how I feel anymore. I just wasn’t ready to let him go for so long.  I had so much love for him and hope that he would find his way back to me.  

Don’t you just love an eternal optimist? Well that’s definitely me!  I was so hurt, betrayed and angry but underneath it all was hope.  False hope is such a bitch!  Even more than Karma lol! It keeps you loving and missing someone long after they should be but a memory.  I was never as strong as everyone thinks I am.  I missed him so much, some days I didn’t know how I would make it through.

But somewhere along the way, I went from loving him to needing him.  It became unhealthy, like an addiction.  I kept needing more and more to satisfy me. I know now that it was my subconscious way of knowing that I was skating on thin ice and was about to fall through to the murky, icy waters below.  He wasn’t ready to build a life with me, even though he told me he was.  I guess deep down inside somewhere, I knew that.  That’s why I was so insecure.  When someone leaves you, it makes you feel insecure!

I realize now that it was extremely foolish and naive to think a relationship could’ve possibly worked out, especially back in November when his family threatened to disown him if he left so n so for me. We all need love and support from our family and friends. That’s what life is all about. Family, friends, love, laughter, relationships, and joy. His kids are the most important thing in his life, as they should be, and it’s stressful enough knowing your parents live separate lives.  To throw me in the mix would’ve hurt them and I never wanted that.  Kids don’t ask to be born and they deserve every chance for a happy, secure life.

An affair is, despite how you may feel while you are in it, an extra relationship. While mine wasn’t a secret from my hubby, I wasn’t open with him about it. Sometimes, it was like he was in a prison and I was stuck in there with him.  The insane part is that I was there through my own choice! At the time, I just wasn’t ready to face up to the big problem in my marriage, a lack of physical intimacy.

 All I know is he was able to put my love in a fuckin box!!!!  Wow, really dude?!?!  Well, if you are able to just stick my love in a box, then it couldn’t have meant that much to you in the first place.  Why are guys so much better than women at compartmentalizing?  It’s such a nifty ability when you want to lie to yourself and keep things separate in your head.  Just probably not the healthiest way to go through life. I think it’s a blessing in disguise I found out how damaged and addicted he was before I made any major changes in my life.

Why did I give him a few chances?!?!?!  When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM!!!  But that’s the thing. Despite the fact that he hurt me, can I truly fault him for trying to save his marriage and family? Even though so n so’s a narcissist, they have still been married 19 years. Just another lesson. Affairs suck n cause everyone a lot of pain, even the cheater. That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 2 years.  I guess that was what this was all about. Teaching me lessons that I needed to learn.  And I absolutely have, whether I wanted to or not.

So how many chances do we give those we love before it’s enough??  How many chances before we must let go and wish them well?  And how many before it goes from loving someone to being a doormat?

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Houston, We Have Contact.

Uggh!  Why did I pick up that stupid phone?  He had emailed, called my work, my home and my cell.  I was good and ignored, but he wouldn’t let it go until he spoke to me.  Told me he has been miserable and is getting separated.  He misses me and could we just meet for dinner?  I laughed and said NO WAY!  I said it twenty different ways over the next 2 days.  But we did talk and laughed for about an hour.  And that’s all it took for my addicted brain to get rehooked!!!

Then we spoke the next day and he told me he was really upset because his son who never cries, cried all night when he found out about the separation.  He is scared to hurt the kids and now she wants to try (I guess the last 7 months were just practice?) because it upset her too.

I understand that this is extremely difficult and whatever he decides he feels he’s doing something wrong.  If he stays, she will never be anything more than a really nice roommate.  She hasn’t shown him love and affection in 20 years, she won’t start now.  If he goes, he feels like he failed, broke up his family and hurt his kids for his own happiness.  It’s a no win situation.  And I want no part of it.

So the best thing I can do for myself and for him is to take myself out of the equation.  Time is what he needs and time is what he shall get.  I choose NOT to be in his life, now or in the future.  I’ve thought about this long and hard.  I needed to be really honest with myself.

I don’t want to be with him for a lot of reasons.  I don’t trust him anymore and I don’t think I would ever be willing to take the chance necessary to make a successful relationship.  How could I ever be happy with someone that continues to make such shitty choices?  Most importantly, I would always feel like second choice to a frigid narcissist and that just wouldn’t make me happy.  Life is way too short to put up with such bullshit lol.

It’s funny, all his health problems, anxiety disorder, quirky fussiness, etc. never diminished my love for him.  But the fact that he could hurt me so much and be okay with himself?  Like there’s something wrong with me for having been so shattered? That says a lot about a person. That kind of made me finally admit that he’s not the man I thought he was.  He should stay with so so and pretend he’s happy for the rest of his life.

My choice is my H, who has never ever made me feel like second choice and who has never left me, even when things were rough.

Goodbye P and good luck.  I don’t need to know how your story ends because I know it won’t be with me. For the first time in 7 months knowing that doesn’t hurt, it makes me happy.

I actually told him to go where the love is lol. For me that is a bright and happy future with my husband. I am finally at peace. He needs to find his own.

If They Love You

 

Man walking at sunset

 

Love is more black and white than we like to tell ourselves. Don’t allow anyone to keep you trapped in the “promise” of the gray area. The bottom line is: If they love you, TRULY love you, they’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. There won’t be excuses or doubts or fears or hesitation. Love is ACTION. Everything else is just words.
~Mandy Hale – The Single Woman

This is what I have to keep reminding myself.  No, we cannot choose who we fall in love with.  But we can choose to keep going back to those that break us down with empty words and unfulfilled promises OR we can love ourselves enough to realize we don’t need anyone to be happy.  We think we cannot live without them, but we can.  We just have to accept what we can’t change.

P keeps calling me, at home and at work and on my cell.  I have blocked him as much as I can, but at work I just don’t answer private calls.  He says he’s getting separated.  I will believe that when I see it lol.  But even so, it still has nothing to do with me.

As for me, I am going to continue to go where the love is.

Promise You Will Forget The Hurt

I love the idea that one day we will forget the hurt, the pain, the sadness and even those that caused it.

I cannot wait for my heart to be completely healed. I have made a lot of progress the past few months. I have not contacted P and he has not contacted me. I can only hope that continues as we have said all we needed to say.

I am so grateful for all the love, kindness and support I have found in our little blogosphere. I truly don’t think I could have gotten to such a good place without all of you who read my words and see my heart.

I know today is a good day and I also realize each day is different. Tomorrow may be a shitstorm lol. Who knows? But I do believe after everything I have been through in my life, the best is yet to come.

Positive Outlooks Blog

Someday, we’ll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again.  — Unknown

Man walking at sunset

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Song of the day

Today was a great day then it got a little difficult probably because I went to bed too late and the dreaded PMS (yes all the guys have immediately left the room I’m sure lol).

While this is not one of our songs, it always reminds me of P. I just want to remember him one day without all the pain and heartache. Unfortunately that day isn’t today.

I’m leaning into the curve, secure in the knowledge that tomorrow will be better and happier.

Recognizing What Isn’t Good For You

Every day I practice this. Being strong and brave enough to let it go. I’m learning how to lead my heart. Most days I am successful and moving on.  On the few days that I focus on the past, I try not to beat myself up.
I am increasingly more grateful for my husband every day.

Positive Outlooks Blog

Learn how to lead your heart; start recognizing when something isn’t good for you and be strong enough to let it go. A person can only waste the time if you give them an opportunity to waste. Stop trying to open doors for people who constantly shut you out. Make sure the interest is shown in the effort, the talk is supported by the actions, and the trust is earned through the consistency. — Robert Hill Sr.

Man walking at sunset


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Is he friggin serious!?!?

You must Never forget who was there for you when no one else was.

Unknown

 

This is what he posted yesterday. I know he’s talking about me and it just makes me shake my head. Yes I absolutely was there for him when no one else was for a year and a half. But in the end, it truly didn’t matter to him. I didn’t matter to him. And I really have no use for a guy that uses social media to send obscure messages.

I am not perfect but I am honest, upfront and open. I told my H I was losing it and would soon cheat. He did nothing. When I started the affair, before I fell in love with P, I told him! Does this make it right? No  it doesn’t.

I know now affairs cannot work. For me it was living 2 half lives instead of 1 full one. Looking back, I was willing to give up so much for him but he obviously wasn’t willing to give up anything for me.  He said I was the woman he loved and wanted to be with. I taught him how to love, how to communicate and how to strengthen a relationship through compromise. He said I was securely in his heart, mind and soul and then poof he was gone.

He’s way too old to be acting like he’s in junior high. Just a little more time and my heart will be healed.

Happy? I Doubt It

Happy?
I used to feel like I won the lottery because you loved me and always wanted to spend time with me. You were so handsome, sweet and had such a funloving, beautiful spirit. You made my heart stop. I had forgotten how silly and fun love can be. You said you never believed in soulmates until you met me. And you are such a horrible liar that I believed you.

Then suddenly u changed and disappeared right in front of my eyes. But I guess if you truly loved me and wanted me, you wouldn’t have let fear and manipulation keep you trapped in the prison you created.

You dont value me at all anymore and it was stupid and naive for me to hope for so long. Its over and you are out of my life for good. You destroyed my heart and I have to pick up the pieces and go on. You are a stranger, cold, distant and detached. Now ur actually a selfish egotistical asshole who knows he’s living a lie and whose soul is slowly withering and dying.

It’s Difficult But You Have To Move On

Sometimes the hardest and most important truths to realize are the ones that seem so basic and easy to understand.

For me, it’s like my heart and head have completely different ideas and agendas.

It’s been 3 months since P and I broke up and 6 weeks no contact. And while my head is completely secure in the knowledge that our deep connection has been irrevocably severed by his fear and cowardice, my heart still misses him so much sometimes. It creeps up on me out of nowhere and reminds me of the devastating pain and loss that almost crushed me 3 months ago.

Time does heal the pain but it still sucks. Especially given the fact that while I have many virtues, unfortunately patience is not among them.

Positive Outlooks Blog

There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don’t want to know, but have to learn. And people we can’t live without but have to let go. — Jennifer Jareau

Man walking at sunset

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