Monday Musings

Wishing-you-a-happy-Monday-inner-peace-quotes-for-Monday

monday-quotes-new-beginning-quotes2

The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set because they’ll know another chance will always be given. They’re not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won’t walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you.
~Trent Shelton

Unfortunately, I had to learn this lesson the hard way. Looking back it’s so clear, but I was blinded by love. Ok, if I’m totally honest I was blind, deaf and dumb lol!!!

Most of the time P and I got along really well but when he would get anxious, he would start to pull away and that made me feel completely out of control and hurt.  Looking back, it seems so clear he was conflicted about us and I should have just let him walk away.

We really do teach people what we will accept and not accept in terms of the way we are treated. Loving someone doesn’t mean they get a free pass to hurt and disrespect us. We need to love ourselves enough to walk away, no matter how painful it is.

I definitely should’ve walked away a few months before we actually broke up.  If I had been true to myself, not so friggin weak and addicted to him? People tell me how strong I am but I wasn’t strong enough to see the truth. Sometimes love just isn’t enough, it takes faith and trust from BOTH of you.

Now I know that no one is ever worth losing my self-respect and my dignity.  If someone truly loves you, you won’t have to fight to keep them. They will want to be there. If they don’t? YOU HAVE TO LET THEM GO, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS!!  And believe me I know it hurts like hell.  It hurts so damn much, you don’t know how you will ever pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and carry on. Even if you believe you are soulmates, twin flames or maybe that you met in another life. Even if you believe with every piece of your heart and soul that you were meant to be together.

I am here to tell you, YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN! I am living proof that life does go on and so will your heart (just like that song lol).

Please do yourself a favor, take a deep breath and just let go 🙂

Love Addiction Withdrawal & NC

This was a post from a while ago, probably about 9 months ago. It helped me during some very dark days. Hope it can help someone else too.

The Process of Love Addiction Withdrawal By Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CST, CSAT

It is well established that when a person becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol, they can experience physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms. Less is documented about the reality of physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms from love and sex addiction, yet they are no less real.

I see clients who are in withdrawal from love addiction and are struggling with symptoms indicative of a very real physical and emotional experience.

Symptoms can include insomnia and sleeplessness, flu-like symptoms, vomiting and other stomach ailments, as well as deep depression and grief states. These symptoms require a detoxification process much like drugs and alcohol do and working with a skilled therapist in addition to attending SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) 12-step meetings can be very helpful, if not crucial, for getting through this painful process.

Sometimes love addicts elect to go through this process when they reach the depth of despair about the state of their lives and addiction. This is a painful yet necessary step in the recovery process. Sometimes love addicts have to face withdrawal following the abandonment by a partner, often a love-avoidant one.

The love-avoidant person always has severe abandonment issues and desires unconditional positive regard from another adult, similar to what they received or did not receive in childhood from a parent. The problem with this is that no adult can provide the ongoing unconditional positive regard the love addict seeks. This can cause the love addict to cycle through a series of highs and lows that are quite intense and ultimately lead to incredible disappointment and devastation.

Love addicts often have a deep sense of discomfort and rarely experience a sense of peace or calm, due to the highs and lows of their intense relationships. Responsibilities relating to work, self-care and even parenting fall to the side in their pursuit of unhealthy relationships. Interestingly, while these relationships tend to be very intense, they seldom provide any real intimacy. What they do provide is a fantasy that does not reflect the reality of the object of their affections.

Some love addicts are in such extreme states of depression that they require antidepressant medication while they are working through core childhood issues with a therapist. Such medications can be helpful toward the love addict gaining some sense of stability while working through the pain that led to love addiction. Journaling, talking about childhood experiences, and grieving the initial abandonment by a parent in the family of origin under the care of a skilled therapist familiar with love addiction can be an important part of healing.

Love addicts have a deep need to bond with another person and become emotionally connected. Oftentimes, the choices they make in partnerships take them further away from getting the love they crave.

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I want to be completely honest folks, I am an addict and P is my drug of choice. Even after we “broke up” right after Thanksgiving, we spoke like 3 times a day for 2 months. The withdrawal was complete agony. He was all I wanted. I craved him like I craved oxygen and water. But while I definitely did miss him and love him, that was not the reason for my physical symptoms.

I craved the high I got seeing him, talking with him, texting, even emailing with him. When I broke NC, I definitely set myself back on my road to recovery and happiness. Because then he asked could he call me and then he asked to talk the next day, etc. We are both smarter now and realized we were backsliding very quickly. So we said goodbye again with him telling me he finally understands the agony and pain I experienced back months ago. He said that is what he is experiencing now. But I think that is because he remains lonely and unloved despite all his efforts. It takes 2 people to save and rebuild a marriage.

The only bright side is that my trauma from certain events that occurred (him changing his cell # and not giving me a heads up as promised is just one example) has finally started to heal. I better understand that I was loved very much and still am. It was comforting to know that he still cries when he hears our song and a few others that remind him of me and all we shared. It’s so easy to believe we are the only ones suffering the loss and the withdrawal. We aren’t.

I just cannot go back on the emotional roller-coaster that our relationship had become at the end. I choose to be happy, healthy and at peace. NO CONTACT means I will not have to doubt a man’s love or commitment to me. It also means I will never again share a man’s heart. I deserve better, we all do. It’s not sexy or exciting but for addicts like us, it’s the only way. For some, maybe not forever. But at least until we get to a point that we do not care AT ALL. And that takes a pretty long time for most.

So while I was at 93 days NC, now I have to start over one day at a time.

DON’T WORRY. The above was all written many, many months ago. I’m doing really great now. Happy and finally at peace. I’ve learned to let go. He was obviously a lesson I needed to learn. Wow 93 days NC! I can’t wait to get there again ASAP 🙂

if you have a choice

 

one day

once in lifetime

I-forgive-but-I-also-learn-a-lesson

 

Ghosts of Exes Past

It always makes me laugh how life unfolds. In my experience, usually NOT at all the way we hoped or expected. After overcoming a lot of things, I have learned to lean into the curves and continue to grow through adversity and heartbreak.

I have only had my heartbroken twice in my life. Once when I was 21 and the other last year.  The first guy to ever break my heart was Brian and he was my first real love.  I was sure we were meant to be lol. I’m actually cringing as I write this. It sounds so silly and naive now. We were complete opposites and had nothing in common. Except an incredible physical chemistry and an intense sexual chemistry.  Looking back after all these years, you always see things much clearer. I think because the sex was incredible I mistook it for a deeper spiritual connection.  He had a drinking problem, no ambition and while he did chase after me for months, eventually it became obvious that he was kind of a selfish jerk. But 2 tumultuous years later, when he broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. It actually makes me laugh now how it was the worst thing that could ever happen and I thought I would never be happy again.  A few months later, we got back together and then I finally saw him as he was, not how I wanted him to be. I dumped him a few months later and never looked back.

A few years after I was married, Brian found me on Facebook and proceeded to tell me I was the love of his life. He never should have let me go and he still loves me, blah blah blah. All I could think of to say was, “What friggin relationship were you in?!?” LOL I was married, quite happily and had no intention of ever cheating on my H.  On my birthday he posted all these love songs to me, and a few other inappropriate things that just made me laugh. My H is a good sport and after I told Brian to cut it out, he stopped.

So last week, Brian texts me the day after I told my H that I was going to need some sort of pass to have sex. I said I wouldn’t have it with P and he didn’t have to worry but I was going to lose my mind.

Ex-boyfriends must have a homing beacon that lets them know when you’re vulnerable lol. I thought Brian might be the perfect candidate. We have history, I’m obviously comfortable with him, and there is absolutely NO chance of me falling for him again. Like I have said before, I love fiercely and with my whole heart. But when I’m finally done, I am just done. There is no going back EVER!

He was speechless when I told him about the sexless marriage. He told me that in 2 years, he NEVER once remembers me saying not now, I’m not in the mood, I have a headache, or EVER turning down sex. LOL!! He’s single and quickly asked me if I would let him cook me dinner sometime.

But honestly?  After talking to him a few times? He’s still the same selfish jerk he was 20 years ago.  I guess that’s why he’s single and has never been married. So I took a pass and wished him luck.

That’s the thing about heartbreak, you can’t plan for it or avoid it. But hopefully you can learn from it and not repeat the same old mistakes.

You Deserve

This is brilliant! Really helps me to move on. Hubby is definitely putting in an effort but still no intimacy. While he is 10 times the man Putz could ever hope to be, he’s still not doing everything in his power to keep me in his life. Putz didn’t do anything to keep me in his life, so he can kiss off lol.
We have had a really good time together lately and that gives me hope. Still going where the love and great sex is in 2016!!  

Source: You Deserve

“Don’t settle for someone who wants to be around you one minute but, is always pushing you away the next.When someone wants to be with you, it will show in everything that they do. They will fall in love with putting a smile on your face. They will fall in love with creating memories with you, instead of creating problems. They will have this understanding that, someone like you does not come around often, and they will do everything in their power to keep you in their life. It really is simple. If they love you they will put in the effort.”

Will I Always Love Him?

like a cactus

I loved him for over 2 years and even though I had not seen him for 11 very long months,  until recently I loved him still and I do not know why.  How could I have loved a man who had shown over and over how little he loves  and cares for me?  Would God be that cruel as to keep me tethered to someone so undeserving of my love and devotion?  Surely there has to be some reason for all the suffering I have endured loving him.  I just would really like to know what the reason is.

I did not want to love him anymore.  I just wanted to be happy and loved.  I wanted to feel the passion and joy I felt with him again.  I truly thought he was my soulmate and yet he chooses to live without me.  How could I ever have loved such a foolish man? A man who was able to put his love for me in a box and shut it away. Now I’m trying hard not to be ashamed that I loved him at all.

He was so different back then. It’s hard to imagine that someone could change so much in less than a year. But as much as he says he hasn’t, he most definitely has. He’s become much less like me and more like her. He’s colder, distant, less caring and loving. He has walls up to keep me out and now I have lost the desire to break them down. I finally realize I have no choice but to let him stay empty, alone and unloved. It’s what he wants and what he has chosen.

I have no place in his life, so there’s no longer any reason to have contact. He is not the man that I loved, wanted and needed and he never will be again. I know that now and I have finally accepted it.

The part I find pretty hysterical is that because he really has no basis for comparison, as she and I are the only 2 women he’s ever been in love with, he really believes that he can get me back if he wants to! He thinks it would take time and a huge amount of effort so he’s not a complete idiot lol. But he honestly believes that if and when he ever leaves, he can just take my love out of the box he put it in 11 months ago and I will accept him. NO friggin way! I am becoming more and more like my old self everyday, BUT I do not forget how weak and pitiful I had become. Months and months of being treated like a human yo-yo, manipulated and given false hope over and over again made me this sad sap. I was unrecognizable to myself sometimes. It was very scary and I will not be repeating the abuse.

I am so lucky to know love is an amazing gift that is to be treasured and respected. To think of it as a burden or a weakness is not only terribly sad, it’s just wrong. Love is not like a baseball card that you can shove in a shoebox, put in a closet and expect to be able to find when or if you’re ready for it! It’s a living, breathing thing that needs to be taken care of, nurtured and cherished. Otherwise it shrivels up and fades away, like dust in the wind.

So will I always love him? As much as I feared this may be a lifelong curse, thankfully it is NOT!  HELL NO!! I am no longer in love with him and I am really happy about it. It was happening gradually over time and with healing. But when he did certain unforgivable things and then proceeded to manipulate me to ease his own suffering when I blocked him from my life? Then I knew he was too selfish and self-absorbed to worry about anyone other than himself and his family.  He is no longer the same man, so loving him is no longer possible.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! Go where the love and great sex is!!!

Is It Love?

I’ve been thinking a lot about love. What is love? Why do so many people allow themselves to be abused in the name of the almighty LOVE? I think many of us forget to love ourselves. But there are also those that only love themselves lol. I guess it’s all about finding a balance.

I do know that when we are guided by love, we do not behave in ways that cause feelings of shame for ourselves or others. Loving actions do not lead to secrecy or hiding. Rather, loving actions are those that we can share with the world without guilt or shame.

When we are loving, we are not sarcastic or shaming under the guise of joking. We don’t take pleasure in hurting those we love. And we certainly do not ridicule them to make ourselves feel better.

We are not passive. We take caring action for the good of ourselves and others. But we love ourselves enough to let go of what and whom no longer serves our journey. Letting go with love, kindness and forgiveness eventually leads to acceptance, peace and happiness.

We do not sit by and watch abuse, hoping someone else will attend to it. We stand up and fight abusers and bullies!

The feeling of love is not generated within our own body. Rather, it is a gift of Spirit that enters our heart when our heart is open to learning and loving — and learning about loving. For me meditating helps me feel this gift and for that I am grateful.

We cannot feel love in our heart when our heart is closed. We feel love when we open up to learning with our higher selves about what it truly means to love ourselves and others. And we learn the happiness n joy we seek was inside us all along.

My heart has finally healed. It was closed for a while, but now it is open n ready for a new journey. 2016 will be the year of love and lots of great sex!

In Case You Forget. Love, Your Heart

stay away

Don’t worry. I’m fine. I promise. I just wanted this for the next time I forget and miss someone who doesn’t even seem to remember how much he once loved me. Someone who is afraid of love and has nothing left to offer me. Someone who threw away his soulmate because he needs time.

I know how precious and special love is. I know if it matters, it’s worth fighting for. But you can’t be the only one fighting. So when someone gives up on you and breaks your heart? Remember that they are the ones that are worse off. Because they had a pure and true love and they threw it away. They have to live with that.

Some people choose to waste years of their life just waiting patiently. They think this makes them good and honorable. At some point, living in denial and refusing to see the truth is just cowardly. But the rest of us know life is just way too short to live in a web of lies we tell ourselves. We know love is all that matters. And a life without love is no life at all. Be brave and follow your heart, no matter where it takes you.

Thoughts on Love

 I am really looking forward to going away with H next week.   I am hopeful that we can find our way back to each other.  I just wish it was easier.  It feels like so much work sometimes.  Should love have to be so much work?  I honestly don’t know.  Sometimes I feel sure we will make it and others I just don’t know.  I just want to feel passion and attraction again.  That’s when I miss P and all the joy, love and laughter.  Why was I always able to talk to him about anything and everything and why can’t H and I do the same?

I realize that obviously that’s not enough on its own.  Look at P. He’s totally addicted/codependent/attracted to his bulging bodybuilder/ selfish covert narcissist.  What does that get him? LOL A big fat nothing, that’s what.  I have never met anyone so delusional about their relationship or lack of one as P.  It’s so sad how much he has gone backwards in the last 8 months.  He’s so addicted to the cycle of narcissistic abuse and in denial, I really think part of him actually believes she can get better!!!!  C’mon seriously??? Yeah cause if you have 3 decent years, then 7 crappy ones, then 10 years where your marriage is so dead you have 3 affairs? I honestly believe that he is LITERALLY going to wait until she says she wants out to make any sort of change.  She still controls him and as long as she wants to, she probably always will. My love and devotion meant so very little to him in the end.  It’s hard for me to realize and admit that. But it is the truth and I know that now. Time won’t change him, it will just make him sicker and less human.

I ask myself how could I have loved someone so weak and not worth my love or my time?  When I think of all the times he said he wasn’t in love with her, could never be attracted to her again, and hoped she’d find someone so he could be free?  I will probably never truly know if it was all lies.  I guess it doesn’t really matter. Except to me it does.

I just want to love and be loved.  I want passion, laughter, companionship and a best friend.  Someone who I make a better person and who makes me want to be a better person too.  I really need a lot of sex to make up for all the years I missed.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.  If my H isn’t up to the job, I will not stay any longer.  I’ve waited long enough.  It’s time for the men in my life to put up or shut up.  It’s just that simple.  I’m going where the love AND THE SEX is! LOL

Falling-in-love_6-640x469

Goodbye my love

image

I loved you with all my heart & soul mistakenly believing you to be whole Devoted to me while I adored you
Our love grew strong, so special & new.

Days passed in glorious wonder
Like the spell of my angeleyes
you appeared to be under
U had never known love
until I showed you the way
Though I loved you so dearly,
In the end you could not stay.

Hearts bound together
through time and space.
But now that heart is broken
an empty chamber in its place.

I continued to grieve and mourn
what might have been.
Never realizing our fate was cast
at the moment of first sin.

Beneath a cold fresh bed of snow
A flower dies without
a chance to grow.
A baby gone before
it took its first breath.
Our once joyous dreams
died a sad lonely death.

A promise unfulfilled,
a love that will never be.
I still had hope one day you’d see
U were my everything.
No one will ever capture
your heart like me.

After 8 months, I really needed to say goodbye to P. While I did have a few poems published years ago, this is my first attempt in over 8 years. So please be gentle. Thanks Kc 🙂

While the poem may be sad, I can honestly say that I am not. I am happy and hopeful for the next chapter of my life, whatever that may be. I’m going where the love is!

When Will Some Men (& Women) Say Enough?

I keep running into men and women, both in real life and online that have allowed themselves to become emotional doormats to the very women and men that are supposed to love them.  Some stay because they truly love the person they married and only want to spend their lives together, no matter what.  But from what I have seen, read and experienced, this is not the most common or compelling reason they stay in an unhappy, dead marriage.

Lots of people stay “for the kids” and because they worry about what their family and friends will say, some stay because they are lonely but comfortable in everyday life.  Some are unhappy and dissatisfied with their marriage but too lazy and complacent to make changes.

I think a huge number of men, and women too for that matter, stay out of FEAR.  Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake.  I know P has stayed for years feeling alone, unloved and not happy because of his fear.  He was physically and emotionally abused and has had a lifelong anxiety disorder.  Wonder why right?  Then to make things worse, he made the wonderful choice to marry a cold, often cruel, frigid narcissist. Because she was 100% italian and beautiful, she was the only one deemed worthy by his immigrant Italian parents. He has never been good enough for her or at least has always felt that way.  And he’s so messed up that he thinks that’s love and that’s what he deserves.  That’s actually what he’s comfortable with.  He admitted how damaged a person he is and is getting himself help.  But it’s just too late to fix what we had.

I totally get that it’s terrifying to make significant life changes.  And despite what I have been through, I still believe in marriage.

Personally, I will not leave my marriage unless and until I know that I have tried every way possible to fix what has been broken.  Both my H and I have made huge mistakes.  Neither of us is blameless or a victim.  We take 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  Progress is slow and as I have already mentioned, patience is not a virtue I was blessed with.

I cannot believe what an idiot I used to be.  I really thought the person that loved less had more power because they cared less.  It is absolutely untrue, ridiculous and not very kind or loving thinking.  My husband and I used to joke and say it was 51 % his love and 49% mine.  I thought I was so smart. Obviously that didn’t keep our marriage train from totally derailing right off the tracks!  Now I know that it has to be 50/50, with power shifting back and forth as circumstances and needs dictate.

To all of us that have ever let someone make us feel not good enough, I say this. Stop being an emotional doormat! Anyone that doesn’t value you or make you feel beautiful and special? Screw them! They are unworthy of your time or attention. So please stop wasting it hemming and hawwing. Should I stay or should I go? YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER. Go where the love is!

My H is kind, loving, sweet and makes me laugh. We’re still working on the feeling beautiful and wanted lol. But we are happy and I am lucky.

Born To Give My Love To You

This is our wedding song. Funny part is neither one of us are huge country music fans. But it’s such a beautiful song and the lyrics touched us deeply.

Martina McBride – Born To Give My Love To You

I don’t know what brought us here
Something in the stars said you and me
I don’t know where this feeling comes from
Surely it was meant to be
For I have known you even in my dreams
My eyes are open, my heart can see

As sure as stars light the midnight sky
As sure as children wonder why
As sure as newborn babies cry
I was born to give my love to you
Born to give my love to you

Heaven must be holding on
To all the love I’m feeling now
Here we are this is the moment
And I believe it’s our turn somehow
Hearts together, hands across the night
One forever, finally in sight

As sure as stars light the midnight sky
As sure as children wonder why
As sure as newborn babies cry
I was born to give my love to you
Born to give my love to you

I was born to give my love to you
(I was born to give my love to you)
I was born to give my love to you
I was born to give my love to you

Find Someone

Find someone that isn’t afraid to admit they miss you. Someone that knows you’re not perfect but treats you as if you are. Someone who couldn’t imagine losing you. Someone who gives their heart to you completely. Someone who says I love you and proves it. Last but not least, find someone who wouldn’t mind waking up to you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and grey hair but still falls in love with you all over again.
~Unknown

I’m beginning to wonder if it’s even possible to have love and passion. Chemistry is so random and that sucks. My Husband is a great guy and so very good to me. So why the hell can’t I be as attracted to him as I was to P? It makes no sense! Uggh

The Door Swings Both Ways

I opened the door to P a few weeks ago via FB messenger and at first it was a good thing I THOUGHT. I got closure and it helped to know he had also suffered. But since then it has been very difficult to keep the door closed. I take responsibility for allowing myself to get sucked back in. Not even as an affair because there has been nothing like that. Last week we left off with him saying he will call me when he is separated. But that’s crap. He has stayed in an unhealthy abusive relationship with a frigid, phony narcissist for way too long. As a result, both of his kids have issues.

His daughter’s therapist said this is the first time she has not only NOT met a child’s Mother but that Mom hasn’t even called to see how her daughter is doing! She said it’s great P cares but her Mom needs to be a lot more involved in her daughter’s life and therapy. Where does this vapid narcissist choose to spend her time? No, not with her kids. At the gym 7 days a week for the last 4 months.

I realized if he really was a good father, he would see the destruction her complete lack of empathy has caused both his kids, especially his daughter and he would have done something. She is a 13 year-old nasty, rude, manipulating, compulsive liar and a bully that no one wants to be around. If it was a hormonal phase, fine I get it but this has been going on n getting much worse for almost 4 years (I met P 2 years ago). By doing nothing to change the situation, he enables it and makes it okay. So she keeps getting worse. Because she learned years ago, negative attention from her Mom is better than no attention. He has had to ask his Mom and sisters to spend time with her! But whenever there’s a photo op, there so so is with a big, fake smile. It hurts my heart and I just have to forget about it because there is nothing I can do.

As much as we loved one another, do I really want a man capable of such deep denial? No I don’t. If he could ignore what school officials have been telling him for years, that his daughter needs a tremendous amount of help, there’s little hope. She is only in counseling as a condition of her probation to getting into a catholic high school next year.

So after thinking all this through, yesterday I told him no he couldn’t call me. I said good luck but NOT to contact me if or when he ever gets the balls to stop being a doormat and leaves. Then I blocked him via phone, FB and all social media sites.

Yes I am a love addict and I need to have absolutely no contact with him at all. I wish him well but now it’s done.

I am going to a picnic and spending the rest of the weekend with my husband and family. I’m going where the love is and I am happy.

Painful to Say Goodbye

by Brigitte
It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go of, but it’s even more painful to hold on to them if they never wanted to stay in the first place. If someone doesn’t show you the same love that you show them, and acts as if you are unimportant most of the time, this may be a big clue as to the fact that you don’t need them in your life either. The only people you truly need in your life are those who respect you and want you to be in theirs.

For me, this has been one of the lessons I have had the most trouble adhering to.  It’s so simple and true.  But yet, my heart just kept trying.  I’m a pretty intelligent person who has never taken crap from any guy.  So why did I try so hard to hold on to our relationship? He made me believe in him and us.  But it wasn’t reality. It was self-destructive to have any contact with him at all.  Why do I keep letting him back in my life and in my heart?  What was it about him that I responded so deeply to?  It scares me that I gave my heart and soul to someone who was so wonderful, who said he felt the same and then showed the opposite.

I honestly became addicted to him and his love, needing more and more to feel good.  

One of the hardest things for love addicts experiencing a break up is breaking their denial. Denial is the PRIMARY psychological symptom of addiction. Denial is one of the reasons that recovery from love addiction isn’t effective. You cannot overcome a problem unless you come to fully accept that it exists. Denial comes in the form of:

-Ignoring how unhealthy the relationship actually was

-Believing getting back the relationship will solve the problems.

-Convincing yourself, it will “be different” next time.

-Not accepting the relationship is over.

-Believing the avoidant partner can be someone different from he or she is.

-Holding on to the fantasy you created from the beginning of the relationship.

-False hope that you can fix things.
I have to accept my powerlessness over my love addiction and the chaos and unmanageability it has brought into my life.

I know P is not a bad man, he’s actually pretty sweet.  He’s just not good for me and that’s what matters.

 

 

Love Is Not All We Need

by Mark Manson

In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song called, “All You Need is Love.” He also beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day.

Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a song called “Love is Not Enough.” Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had two children with her, and then cancelled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father.

One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. One of them did not. One of these men idealized love as the solution to all of his problems. One of them did not. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not.

In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.

When we believe that “all we need is love,” then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff — all of the hard stuff?

But if, like Reznor, we believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.

THREE HARSH TRUTHS ABOUT LOVE

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place. Allow me to illustrate:

1. Love does not equal compatibility. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews that clash with our own sense of reality.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.

That may sound paradoxical, but it’s true.

When I think of all of the disastrous relationships I’ve seen or people have emailed me about, many (or most) of them were entered into on the basis of emotion — they felt that “spark” and so they just dove in head first. Forget that he was a born-again Christian alcoholic and she was an acid-dropping bisexual necrophiliac. It just felt right.

And then six months later, when she’s throwing his shit out onto the lawn and he’s praying to Jesus twelve times a day for her salvation, they look around and wonder, “Gee, where did it go wrong?”

The truth is, it went wrong before it even began.

When dating and looking for a partner, you must use not only your heart, but your mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter and your farts smell like cherry popsicles. But you also need to evaluate a person’s values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions and their worldviews in general. Because if you fall in love with someone who is incompatible with you…well, as the ski instructor from South Park once said, you’re going to have a bad time.

2. Love does not solve your relationship problems. My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in different cities, had no money to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting.

And every time we fought, we’d come back to each other the next day and make up and remind each other how crazy we were about one another and that none of those little things matter because we’re omg sooooooo in love and we’ll find a way to work it out and everything will be great, just you wait and see. Our love made us feel like we were overcoming our issues, when on a practical level, absolutely nothing had changed.

As you can imagine, none of our problems got resolved. The fights repeated themselves. The arguments got worse. Our inability to ever see each other hung around our necks like an albatross. We were both self-absorbed to the point where we couldn’t even communicate that effectively. Hours and hours talking on the phone with nothing actually said. Looking back, there was no hope that it was going to last. Yet we kept it up for three fucking years!

After all, love conquers all, right?

Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg being doused in jet fuel. The break up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this: while love may make you feel better about your relationship problems, it doesn’t actually solve any of your relationship problems.

The roller coaster of emotions can be intoxicating, each high feeling even more important and more valid than the one before, but unless there’s a stable and practical foundation beneath your feet, that rising tide of emotion will eventually come and wash it all away.

3. Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.

But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?

In loving relationships, it’s normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.

But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it. If we find ourselves in situations where we’re tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that’s essentially what we’re doing: we’re allowing our love to consume us and negate us, and if we’re not careful, it will leave us as a shell of the person we once were.

THE FRIENDSHIP TEST

One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.

But people should also look at it in the negative: Would you tolerate your partner’s negative behaviors in your best friend?

Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is “no.”

I know a young woman who just got married. She was madly in love with her husband. And despite the fact that he had been “between jobs” for more than a year, showed no interest in planning the wedding, often ditched her to take surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family raised not-so-subtle concerns about him, she happily married him anyway.

But once the emotional high of the wedding wore off, reality set in. A year into their marriage, he’s still “between jobs,” he trashes the house while she’s at work, gets angry if she doesn’t cook dinner for him, and any time she complains he tells her that she’s “spoiled” and “arrogant.” Oh, and he still ditches her to take surfing trips with his friends.

And she got into this situation because she ignored all three of the harsh truths above. She idealized love. Despite being slapped in the face by all of the red flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their love signaled relationship compatibility. It didn’t. When her friends and family raised concerns leading up to the wedding, she believed that their love would solve their problems eventually. It didn’t. And now that everything had fallen into a steaming shit heap, she approached her friends for advice on how she could sacrifice herself even more to make it work.

And the truth is, it won’t.

Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?

Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to get a job or pay rent, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you any time you complained. That friendship would be over faster than Paris Hilton’s acting career.

Or another situation: a man’s girlfriend who was so jealous that she demanded passwords to all of his accounts and insisted on accompanying him on his business trips to make sure he wasn’t tempted by other women. His life was practically under 24/7 surveillance and you could see it wearing on his self-esteem. His self-worth dropped to nothing. She didn’t trust him to do anything. So he quit trusting himself to do anything.

Yet he stays with her! Why? Because he’s in love!

Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love.

You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.

But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.

Love is a wonderful experience. It’s one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.

But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.

Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.

If You Care aka Ten Steps Forward and One Step Back

If You Care About Someone, Remember It Every Day

This is so serious. If you care about someone, really care about them, remember it every day. Remember it on bad days especially. Remember it in fights. Remember it when you’re happy. Appreciate it. Love it. Be it. Live it. Feel it. Because you have no idea when it will be gone. There are only so many chances. And if you do forget and you do something stupid. You’d better fight for it. Fight as hard as you can. As hard as you can doesn’t mean until it is a detriment to you, but until you’re sure it won’t be. True love will always be true love and if you lose it, you’re going to regret it. 

~Brigitte Nicole

Okay, so I cried a little last night. I think I was mourning the loss of a dream that will never ever be.  Although my head has known this for months and I think I have fully accepted this reality, I now realize my heart still held a glimmer of hope.  It really was the most beautiful dream.  A dream full of love, joy, happiness, understanding, acceptance and obviously lots of yummy sex lol.  But it was not meant to be, not with P.

Love is everything. But love is also about the choices we make. I fought for us and he thinks he did too but he didn’t, that’s total crap. And that’s okay. I loved with my whole heart and soul, maybe for the first time ever. I think that’s why I’m getting better and he’s getting worse. I have no regrets for following my heart.   The only thing I regret is the hurt it caused my husband.

After speaking to P, I have forgiven him. I just do not have the luxury of forgetting all the pain and heartbreak I went through because of HIS choice to change his mind and remain alone and unloved.  I understand he thought he was doing what was best for his kids and I respect his decision. But he said he is also enjoying knowing he did everything she asked and nothing has changed.  I told him he is a Martyr.  A man who sacrificed true love to keep his dysfunctional family together.  I couldn’t refrain from telling him he needs to get a big wooden cross and when he feels unloved and unappreciated, he can get up and nail himself to it!!

I most likely wouldn’t survive another go round with him and that’s the truth. I am generally not a self-destructive person. Then there is P and a good friend of mine. They do the same thing over and over again and honestly expect different results!! That is insanity, and I am not insane.

The best thing I can do for EVERYONE (especially myself), the ONLY option that won’t lead to more heartache is to NOT initiate any contact (via any means including but not limited to talking, texting, messaging, emailing, facebook, skywriting, carrier pigeon, pony express, and to ignore him if he initiates.

I think it’s good that he has been going to counseling every week (usually by himself, but hey not my business right?) What struck me was the fact that he has spent far more time changing his outside.  He has lost 35 lbs. as well as learned how to cook, do laundry and basically become a FANTASTIC 45 year old houseboy LOL.  I only wish he was working as diligently on his inside.  I mean his anxiety, non-existent self-esteem, his complete lack of independence and figuring out why he repeatedly chooses a frigid narcissist who has admitted she doesn’t do affection, doesn’t want sex and thinks of him as a friend.

I am ready to put all of this in the past and focus on my future.  I have to find a sex therapist for us to go to.  For someone with a pretty high sex drive, I seriously NEVER thought I would ever be saying that.  But I love my husband very much and I know he loves me.  He can drive me nuts and I know I am a huge pain in the ass sometimes.  We are not perfect, nor should we be. He has always chosen me, no matter what. He picks me up when I fall and he has the biggest heart and the best sense of humor.  We both owe it to one another to see if we can meet somewhere in the middle.  And we will do it without anyone waiting in the wings or in my heart.

It will be a different dream, but hopefully one just as wonderful.  Actually it will be better because it will be REAL 🙂

Oh Crap

So my day was going great. The sun was shining this morning and I love the people I work with. We are a family and we take care of one another. We also get on each other’s nerves sometimes but hey that’s what family does lol.

Then I got this really bad feeling that P was struggling. I have always known things that I have no way of knowing. It’s happened throughout my life and my family lovingly refers to me sometimes as the good witch. It’s only people I’m close to but it is a little bizarre, freaky and completely out of my control. And yes I’m still waiting for winning Powerball numbers lol.

So I sent P a message just asking if he was ok. He asked if he could call and after a little while I agreed. I know I’m an idiot and he did not deserve my compassion but I am who I am.

Basically, like me, he’s been trying to repair his broken marriage. He’s been going to counseling and sometimes she even goes with him. Unlike me, he’s miserable and struggling. He’s married to a frigid narcissist and last week she told him she’s not in love with him and thinks of him as a friend.

He said he regrets staying but he felt it was his only choice. He said he misses me everyday and his love for me hasn’t diminished. I told him that after all the pain he caused my love for him had.

He apologized for hurting me and for being a selfish ahole. He cried. I told him I never really understood how damaged he is and that I hope he keeps going to counseling. The psychologist thinks he needs to come twice a week.

The only positive news was that his daughter has started counseling. It is required if she wants to go to the only high school that would take her next year. I know that deep down underneath all that attitude, lying and manipulating, she is a terribly unhappy little girl that has put up so many walls to protect herself. For anyone thinking it has anything to do with me, her problems started 2 years before he even met me.

I told him about my blog and how much it has helped me to heal my heart. He asked if he could read it. I told him I would need to think about it.

Well I have thought about it and my answer is NO. Hell no! I wish him well and hope he finds peace and happiness someday. But my blog is mine. Even my H understands it is my outlet and has not asked to read it.

Which brings me to the most important part,  my husband. He is not perfect but he is a good, kind and loving man. I am truly lucky that he has stuck by my side through everything as I have stuck by his. He says I am his soulmate, not P and I am starting to believe that again.

A Fair

I woke up feeling a little tired and lazy (thank you antidepressant side effect lol).  With depression you never really know how you will feel from day to day. But I have many more good days than bad so I am definitely not complaining.

So my husband wanted to go to a local fair. I thought I would be up for it but then I really wasn’t. I could see he was upset so I pushed myself. As those with depression know, this isn’t always possible. Thankfully today it was.

We got there and I started looking at the jewelry,  handbags, scarves, etc. Basically all things I love to buy, wear and browse through lol.  And because I hadn’t wanted to come, hubby was extremely sweet about me buying a few things. I know most men, including him, could care less about those things so I appreciated his patience.

We stopped at a jewelry cleaner table and it was really cool! It worked magic on my platinum diamond wedding rings, my silver hoops and even my grandmother’s antique sapphire and diamond ring from the 1920’s. I couldn’t believe it when my H asked the man if he could clean his platinum band. I think he’s let me clean it twice in ten years lol. I happily bought a huge bottle of the non-toxic cleaner.

Then we met a friend of his, stopped and ate together.  He’s quite a colorful character,  always with a hilarious story to make me laugh.

I am really glad I was able to go and we had such a great time just walking around and laughing.  I enjoy simple pleasures in life, especially since losing my Mom. I just don’t think I realized that we really need to have fun together.

I truly remembered why we fell in love in the first place.  I didn’t think about P all day!

Today I have to say
Me: 1 and Depression: 0