Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Love this post!!! It really does help to make just a little couple time at least once a month.

Source: Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Hubby and I have been married for ten years. Although that’s not a terribly long time in the big scheme of things, we tend to find that amongst most of our married friends we are usually the ‘OG couple’, so to speak. So every now and again we’re asked for

advice on how to keep the love going strong. To which my immediate response is usually “Chile! PRAYER and WINE!”

But no, really…The single best advice that I can offer is to make date night a priority. Its the best advice because its something that literally every couple, in any stage of their relationship, can benefit from. It doesn’t matter if you’ve just gotten engaged or have been married for decades. Whether every thing is peachy-keen or if you guys have been on each other’s nerves lately [because lets face it, we all experience ebbs and flows in partnerships].  Its probably the only one-size-fits-all advice for couples.

Date night allows a couple to nurture their fundamental relationship as romantic partners. Not as parents, not as household contributors. Its way too easy to let all the hustle and bustle of married life take precedence over maintaining the foundation from which all of that organized chaos started from!

See the rest of the post at  Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Tired but Happy

sun shining thru clouds

Yesterday was a rainy Monday and I was not quite ready to start the work week but I did.  Some days are just hard and I just feel exhausted before the day has even begun.  Today was much better, but still rainy.  I’ve been thinking about how much has changed in my life recently.  I’m so much happier and I feel more at peace.  P is gone and while not forgotten, he no longer has a starring role in my thoughts and in my heart.

My Hubby and I are really learning how to have fun together again.  We make each other laugh and have been really nice to one another, even when we are tired or cranky.  Just little things that add up to a happier marriage.  Like him doing things like keeping the bathroom clean without being asked or me cooking for him again and making sure he has clothes for the week.  I know it sounds like unimportant things but the difference is simple.  We think of one another’s happiness more.  The last few years it was what has he done for me lately or what has she done for me.  It wasn’t always but it was definitely a strong undercurrent. I resented being rejected over and over and over again.  I missed having sex and being intimate. I can’t speak for what was bothering him.  I do know the last 2 years he has grieved the death of his Dad a lot more than he ever thought.

He recently said he thought that I thought that he should get over it quicker.  I looked at him like he had 3 heads!?!?!  Get over it?  It took me a few years to heal after my Mom died!  He was there, he knew that.  So why would I EVER expect anything different from him?  I am many things but a hypocrite is not one of them.  I said I was very sorry he felt that way but I never intentionally said or did anything to make him feel like that.  I said I am not a mind reader and grief is personal.  Just because I didn’t sit you down and drag the feelings out of you doesn’t mean I didn’t care.  I thought I was being respectful and when you wanted to talk you would.  That’s what I did with my Mom.  I didn’t expect him to read my mind or make me better.  No one can do that but you.  I said I think you expect me to be a miracle worker and I’m not.  He smiled and said yeah maybe you are right about that.  But you just always seem to either know what to do or you know the answer so I guess we all look to you for guidance.  I said that’s wonderful but I’m not Google or a set of encyclopedias dear.  I am a human with flaws and weaknesses.  I make mistakes every day.  And I am not your Mother!  She is a lovely woman and I am happy to have her for a mother-in-law so you have no need for another.  He laughed and told me that I was right again lol.

So is it that oh so hot passionate erotic fun that I had with P?  No but that’s okay because it also doesn’t make me sad or hurt.   There is no lying or missing someone, no stolen moments,  no fear of anyone getting hurt, and no more living 2 half-lives like before.  It’s really pretty damn great lol!  I have no idea if it will last for a day, a week, a month, a year or the rest of our lives.  I think it’s best to just take every day as it comes and live the best life you possibly can with what you have.

And never forget to go where the love is!!!!!

tulips

Sooo In The Doghouse

My husband totally pissed me off today.  He was so angry and rude that I wasn’t ready to clean and run errands right when he wanted. I don’t mind him being annoyed. Everyone has a right to their feelings and to express those feelings.  

But it was the way he showed his anger, stomping around and mumbling like a jackass. It felt like I was watching a child have a temper tantrum lol. The man is 47 years old!

I tried to talk to him rationally and maturely but it did not go smoothly.  I did nothing to deserve the way he treated me and I told him so. His behavior really hurt and upset me.

I think it has more to do with the fact that we still are not having sex and I am just about fed up. I have tried everything and am just tired of feeling constantly rejected.

He cleaned the tub / shower, which was great but I do it all the time! I don’t expect a parade for it, geesh. I honestly think sometimes he expects me to cook and clean like a 50s housewife while also working a full-time job lol.  

Both of our Moms were stay at home housewives but our Dads were able to support the family. And when we were in high school both women went back to school and work, eventually becoming successful in their own right. Can’t have it both ways dude, especially with a chronic illness.

He apologized but it was really half-assed and only because he knows he’s in the doghouse.  He should really think of building on a new wing if he continues to act this way lol.   

Oh Crap

So my day was going great. The sun was shining this morning and I love the people I work with. We are a family and we take care of one another. We also get on each other’s nerves sometimes but hey that’s what family does lol.

Then I got this really bad feeling that P was struggling. I have always known things that I have no way of knowing. It’s happened throughout my life and my family lovingly refers to me sometimes as the good witch. It’s only people I’m close to but it is a little bizarre, freaky and completely out of my control. And yes I’m still waiting for winning Powerball numbers lol.

So I sent P a message just asking if he was ok. He asked if he could call and after a little while I agreed. I know I’m an idiot and he did not deserve my compassion but I am who I am.

Basically, like me, he’s been trying to repair his broken marriage. He’s been going to counseling and sometimes she even goes with him. Unlike me, he’s miserable and struggling. He’s married to a frigid narcissist and last week she told him she’s not in love with him and thinks of him as a friend.

He said he regrets staying but he felt it was his only choice. He said he misses me everyday and his love for me hasn’t diminished. I told him that after all the pain he caused my love for him had.

He apologized for hurting me and for being a selfish ahole. He cried. I told him I never really understood how damaged he is and that I hope he keeps going to counseling. The psychologist thinks he needs to come twice a week.

The only positive news was that his daughter has started counseling. It is required if she wants to go to the only high school that would take her next year. I know that deep down underneath all that attitude, lying and manipulating, she is a terribly unhappy little girl that has put up so many walls to protect herself. For anyone thinking it has anything to do with me, her problems started 2 years before he even met me.

I told him about my blog and how much it has helped me to heal my heart. He asked if he could read it. I told him I would need to think about it.

Well I have thought about it and my answer is NO. Hell no! I wish him well and hope he finds peace and happiness someday. But my blog is mine. Even my H understands it is my outlet and has not asked to read it.

Which brings me to the most important part,  my husband. He is not perfect but he is a good, kind and loving man. I am truly lucky that he has stuck by my side through everything as I have stuck by his. He says I am his soulmate, not P and I am starting to believe that again.

A Fair

I woke up feeling a little tired and lazy (thank you antidepressant side effect lol).  With depression you never really know how you will feel from day to day. But I have many more good days than bad so I am definitely not complaining.

So my husband wanted to go to a local fair. I thought I would be up for it but then I really wasn’t. I could see he was upset so I pushed myself. As those with depression know, this isn’t always possible. Thankfully today it was.

We got there and I started looking at the jewelry,  handbags, scarves, etc. Basically all things I love to buy, wear and browse through lol.  And because I hadn’t wanted to come, hubby was extremely sweet about me buying a few things. I know most men, including him, could care less about those things so I appreciated his patience.

We stopped at a jewelry cleaner table and it was really cool! It worked magic on my platinum diamond wedding rings, my silver hoops and even my grandmother’s antique sapphire and diamond ring from the 1920’s. I couldn’t believe it when my H asked the man if he could clean his platinum band. I think he’s let me clean it twice in ten years lol. I happily bought a huge bottle of the non-toxic cleaner.

Then we met a friend of his, stopped and ate together.  He’s quite a colorful character,  always with a hilarious story to make me laugh.

I am really glad I was able to go and we had such a great time just walking around and laughing.  I enjoy simple pleasures in life, especially since losing my Mom. I just don’t think I realized that we really need to have fun together.

I truly remembered why we fell in love in the first place.  I didn’t think about P all day!

Today I have to say
Me: 1 and Depression: 0

Out of the Fog

What made me love him so much? Why did I completely romanticize our relationship? Yes he was gorgeous, funny and sweet. But he was also self-absorbed, negative and extremely neurotic. And he took so much more than he gave.

Despite the fact that his father physically abused him for years and his Mother mentally abused him, he has never confronted either about the abuse and sees them daily. He said it’s quite common for 100% Italians who came from Italy and settled in the Bronx. My father-in-law is 100% Italian and was not ever abused or abusive so I call BULLSHIT. His father was a functioning alcoholic and his Mom was raised by an aunt

I come from an amazingly loving and supportive family who are very close. But any 45 year-old man whose mother repeatedly strolls into his house with a spare key (for emergencies yeah right lol) and right into his bedroom without even knocking? This guy has some serious Mommy issues!

It’s not a family, it’s a dysfunctional creepy cult led by a Mom who literally stalks him day after day until he gives in and does what she wants. But because they smile pretty for the camera and put on a happy face in public, the facade continues.

How is it that his mother, wife and daughter are all controlling psychotic bullies? I only wish I had known all this in the beginning. The sickest part was the way he constantly sought approval from this family that just weren’t kind, supportive or loving.

I thought he had to be making them seem worse than they really were. So a bunch of times he would put the phone on speaker, hold it or put it in his pocket so I could hear. He wasn’t embellishing! But they are all he has and all he knows.

The final straw? When he changed his cell number without even an email or text months after we broke up. I had told him not to contact me again and he agreed. She had been wanting him to change his number for months. He promised if he did, he’d let me know before he did it. I said it’s fine if you do.Just shoot me an email so I’m not surprised. He didn’t. That was 2 months ago.

Foolishly, in a weak moment, I dialed him from a restricted number just to hear his voice. So stupid, I know. That’s how I found out it was changed. I didn’t think it was possible to be anymore hurt and disappointed. I was wrong.

I immediately lost it and called him at home. He usually would be alone. His friggin Mom answered at 11am on a Thursday! Can we say Norman Bates? I just hung up, horrified and feeling totally out of control. He called me back and said he thought it would make it easier for both of us. Yeah right!

I never ever felt like a dirty mistress until that day. And I knew in that moment, I would never ever put my battered, broken heart through this ever again.

It was my first and last affair. Affairs only seem like a good idea when you are in one.

Is he friggin serious!?!?

You must Never forget who was there for you when no one else was.

Unknown

 

This is what he posted yesterday. I know he’s talking about me and it just makes me shake my head. Yes I absolutely was there for him when no one else was for a year and a half. But in the end, it truly didn’t matter to him. I didn’t matter to him. And I really have no use for a guy that uses social media to send obscure messages.

I am not perfect but I am honest, upfront and open. I told my H I was losing it and would soon cheat. He did nothing. When I started the affair, before I fell in love with P, I told him! Does this make it right? No  it doesn’t.

I know now affairs cannot work. For me it was living 2 half lives instead of 1 full one. Looking back, I was willing to give up so much for him but he obviously wasn’t willing to give up anything for me.  He said I was the woman he loved and wanted to be with. I taught him how to love, how to communicate and how to strengthen a relationship through compromise. He said I was securely in his heart, mind and soul and then poof he was gone.

He’s way too old to be acting like he’s in junior high. Just a little more time and my heart will be healed.

Slowly Going Crazy

Why is it that guys tell me everyday how pretty and sexy I am but my own husband is afraid to touch me? Im not a supermodel lol. Just a woman with a naturally high sex drive who needs to be loved. He used to love that about me before he lost his mojo. I have removed my dating profile and said goodbye to the few guys I was still in touch with. Have been completely and totally honest and upfront with him. I even told him I fell in love with P because he made me feel beautiful, special, sexy and loved.I just need sex, love and intimacy. Doesn’t everyone?

Fairytale is over

After a year and a half together and tons of ups and downs, he decided he was ready to ask for a separation.  Then less than a week later, after tremendous pressure from family (his 100% italian mom became a total stalker with some real boundary issues), he changed his mind!!

I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.  I couldn’t eat, just cried and slept and wondered how he could have possibly changed overnight.  How he could choose to hurt someone that had only shown him love and unconditional support.  I had become a horrible cliche and that really pissed me off.  Just days after telling me how much he loves me, I’m the only woman that is securely in his heart, mind and soul and we belong together, he told me had to go to counseling with her.  I had even asked him if there was anything she could say or do to change his mind and he assured me there wasn’t.  He’s 45 and still so afraid of his Mother!!!  It’s creepy and extremely dysfunctional.

She was fine with my existence as long as he stayed and didn’t make her look bad.  She never said a word to anyone about me UNTIL he told her he was leaving.  Then she went crying to her mother in law like she hasn’t known about me for almost a year!!!!  That’s all she cared about.  She told him she would turn his kids and his family against him and I believe this selfish, self-absorbed would do exactly that.  She’s all surface and NO substance. I have spoken to her and she is as dumb as a rock and as deep as a puddle.  But when he finally told her he wanted out, then she asked him to go to counseling.  He had asked her over and over for the last 7 years and she refused.

I don’t think I really understood how screwed up he really is from all the years of physical (father) and mental (mother) abuse he suffered.  Those are his words, not mine. Then he went and married a woman who he has never been good enough for.  He has basically lived alone for years, unloved and miserable while she sleeps on the couch.  The last blowjob he got from her was  19 years ago on their HONEYMOON!!!!! Picture a little 70 year old italian lady asking her son, “Not even on your birthday??” LOL  Cannot make this stuff up folks.

But after all was said and done, he stayed and that was his choice.   He’s a sucker and he just can’t believe he’s wasted 2 decades on a frigid narcissist with a complete lack of empathy.  Last time I spoke to him was over a month ago. He said his Mom is “coaching” him and it’s helping him.  I swear it sounded like he was in a cult and it was really freaky.  He didn’t sound happy or helped.

I am trying to heal my heart and move on.  There are good days and bad days.  My husband has asked me to try and fix our marriage and I have agreed.  I don’t know what will happen but I would love to repair the damage.  But I am weary to trust him after so many years without physical love and intimacy.  I can’t spend more years in a sexless marriage.  Sex may not be everything, but it is important and necessary in some form.  At least for me.