I No Longer Feel The Need

For a while now, I have been drafting a final goodbye letter to Putz. Saying all the beautiful loving things I had left to say. I intended to email it December 31st. Today I realized that I had completely forgotten about it!! Not only do I no longer care enough to send it, what the heck would be the point? What’s done is done. Nothing can change what’s happened and I believe there’s a reason for almost everything.

I actually unblocked him last week and we texted a little. Nothing much at all and I feel so much freer not hating him and missing him. He texted me to say Have a Happy New Year and be safe a few nights ago. I haven’t responded and I won’t. I don’t hate him but come on now! We’re not bffs lol. We will both simply work on our marriages and move on with our lives now. It’s way past time.

He’s still really trying to save his ridiculously dysfunctional “family” as well as his crappy marriage to a narcissist. He says she’s being nice and really trying too. I wish him lots of luck with that, cause boy he’s gonna need it lol. I respect him for trying and hope he finds real love n happiness someday. But if not, that’s entirely his choice and only his life he’s wasted alone and unloved.

My H has just made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He comes from a tough Italian/German family where even if you got shot, you would definitely be told to “walk it off”! So to even think of going to a shrink was unfathomable to him. But he said he knows I am pulling away and he doesn’t want to lose me. And he is actively trying to rebuild intimacy and spend time together. It’s been really nice to see the man I fell in love with starting to re-emerge. It’s been a long time. I’m cautiously optimistic so I guess we’ll see.

Whatever happens, mentally I’m in a really good place and I’m happy. Thankfully 2015 is over. 2016 will be a time of change, growth and hopefully love and lots of great sex!

Wishing you all a wonderful New Year full of love, joy, laughter and yes sex 🙂

Out of the Fire and into the Frying Pan

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He emailed me Thursday and I didn’t see it until Saturday.  Nothing much, just about kids, how he doesn’t go on facebook or text and email much anymore, and then he wrote “I really hope from the bottom of my heart that things are better for you.” What the hell does that even mean?!?

I will never truly understand how he went from saying he had me “securely in his mind, heart and soul” and wanting a life with me to days later he was going to stay and go to counseling.  He asked her for 7 years to go n she only agreed after he said he wanted a divorce. It just hurts n makes me feel sad. It will always feel like he chose her over me. I know it’s not that simple. He adores his kids and he has anxiety disorder n MS. He’s fine and you would never know he has it but it’s still there and effects his daily life.  His kids are 17 n 13. They know nothing of a real loving relationship because they don’t see one. She sleeps on the couch most nights and he takes care of the kids.  And that’s fine.  She also knew about me almost from the very beginning. A few months ago she even asked why he couldn’t just keep using porn like he’s always done all these years (instead of sex)!!

It just wasn’t the normal “affair” relationship at all.  I even spoke to his Mom after we broke up because she asked to speak to me. Said she wanted to talk to the woman her son was so in love with.  But that’s a story for another time LOL.

We actually fought more than we did with our spouses lol.  I didn’t let him get away with stuff and he didn’t let me.  We also had totally different communication styles (mine is extensive while his was non-existent lol) and it took us a while to meet somewhere in the middle.  We supported one another and I would like to think that we fulfilled one another, at least until the end.

Do I sometimes wish things had been different, that he had been braver and had more faith in himself and us?  Of course I do.  He was very special to me for almost 2 years.  We made one another happier than I ever knew was even possible, but it was definitely NOT that oh this affair is all fantasy and not real life kind of happy lol.  I got him to go back into pain management for his back pain.  I helped him refinance his mortgage.  

So and so and her brother-in-law used to compliment him on how sickly toned and taut his legs are. I realized that his legs weren’t just really strong and cut, it is a common symptom of the MS and NOT a good thing!!! Spasticity is a state of increased tone of a muscle (and an increase in the deep tendon reflexes). For example, with spasticity of the legs (spastic paraplegia) there is an increase in tone of the leg muscles so they feel tight and rigid, like they are about to snap.  It can be be very painful if not treated.  He went on baclofen and it helps him a lot. All she cared about was that they looked good!! Wtf?!?

People say oh an Affair is just fantasy, there’s no real life distractions, issues, or problems.   Yes maybe for most but that was most definitely NOT our experience!  If it was supposed to be like a fantasy, with just sex and room service, then I really want a refund. LOL

I am happy to not have to deal with all the dysfunctional bullshit in his life and being treated like an emotional yo-yo. In the end, he was a cake eater.  He wanted to keep me as his love and her as his marriage/parenting partner.  And in the end he has lost us both.  She might be there in body, but that’s all.  In 20 years she’s never truly loved him, why start now?

I will not email him back because there’s nothing more to say. In many ways, the man I loved and adored is gone and there is a stranger in his place. Not the man who called me his soulmate and the love of his life.  I don’t know this person and because of his choices, I have no reason to.

Our story is over and our time is up. I just wish my heart would get the message and finally let go. His gave up a long time ago.

Does It Really Matter?

A friend of mine was upset because she thinks her ex doesn’t care about her anymore. She also thinks she’s stupid for missing him.  I tried to explain to her that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.  Trying to stop feeling something is like trying to stop the rain, virtually impossible. But it started me thinking and here’s my question to all those getting over a broken heart.

Does it really matter what he or she thinks of you now? I know in the beginning, when the heartache is fresh, it absolutely does.  But as you start to heal your heart and get stronger, who cares what the idiot that wasn’t smart enough to hold onto you thinks?

P doesn’t believe I’m better and happy. WTF?!? He actually thinks because we were so much in love that I’m just saying that! Which tells me two things:

  1. He never knew me as well as I thought he did because I really don’t lie about how I feel, good or bad. In fact the other day, a few things he said made me sad and I cried. But that was for just a few minutes.  Like my Mom, I feel things deeper than most.  This can be a blessing and a curse 🙂
  2. He wants to believe I am still pining for him because then we are in the same boat. In his very warped mind, there is still hope for us if he ever leaves. I did everything possible to explain to him that while the love we shared was something rare and special and I was absolutely ready to share a life with him, it no longer exists. And guess what?  I just don’t care if he doesn’t get it.

I’m sorry that doesn’t jive with where he is, but who the fuck cares? Where was he in December, January and February when I was on the edge of the fucking cliff? That’s right, he was kissing her frigid ass and being stalked by his really crazy Mom.

So let him KEEP kissing her ass and stay the fuck away from mine!

I’m good and strong and hopeful. Not every single day but most lately.

And for someone with Depression, that is all you can ask for. I am really happy about that.

Ok, I wrote this a few days ago and unfortunately I have taken a few steps backwards. But I am back to no contact and am going to beat my addiction by taking it one day at a time.  Thank you for not throwing tomatoes, eggs or anything.  Is is greatly appreciated 🙂

Recognizing What Isn’t Good For You

Every day I practice this. Being strong and brave enough to let it go. I’m learning how to lead my heart. Most days I am successful and moving on.  On the few days that I focus on the past, I try not to beat myself up.
I am increasingly more grateful for my husband every day.

Positive Outlooks Blog

Learn how to lead your heart; start recognizing when something isn’t good for you and be strong enough to let it go. A person can only waste the time if you give them an opportunity to waste. Stop trying to open doors for people who constantly shut you out. Make sure the interest is shown in the effort, the talk is supported by the actions, and the trust is earned through the consistency. — Robert Hill Sr.

Man walking at sunset


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Upcoming Birthday

Birthday
A week from tomorrow will be my 40th birthday. I have never minded growing older but this is a difficult one for me. It’s hard sometimes to just enjoy the journey of life instead of getting caught up in expectations of what your life should be. But I have faith that the best is yet to come.

The only birthday present I want from him is his continued disappearance from my life. Yes it hurts terribly but at least the pain will eventually subside. He lives in a world full of dysfunction and misery. I don’t want any part of it anymore. I owe it to both of us to find happiness elsewhere and never look back. There’s nothing there for me with him any longer. All they want is to control and manipulate for their own selfish reasons. Living with people like that would’ve driven me insane. They saw him day after day, week after week, miserable and in pain. But did they care that he was unhappy? No they didn’t and they still don’t.

That bitch of a mother is a disgrace to all mothers. She should be ashamed of herself! What kind of mother tells her son that if he leaves her for me, he will be disowned. And that he will end up a bum in the street alone. She is NOT a good mother, woman or human being. But what kind of 45 year-old man lets other people run his life and make his decisions?

I don’t think I ever really thought about the fact that all he knows about family is fear and manipulation through life-long abuse, threats, lies, and bullying. Well, I thought about it but didn’t realize what kind of damage it caused. All I have known is love, acceptance, kindness and unconditional support. It was completely naive and unrealistic to think my love and devotion could heal a lifetime of scars.

It’s Difficult But You Have To Move On

Sometimes the hardest and most important truths to realize are the ones that seem so basic and easy to understand.

For me, it’s like my heart and head have completely different ideas and agendas.

It’s been 3 months since P and I broke up and 6 weeks no contact. And while my head is completely secure in the knowledge that our deep connection has been irrevocably severed by his fear and cowardice, my heart still misses him so much sometimes. It creeps up on me out of nowhere and reminds me of the devastating pain and loss that almost crushed me 3 months ago.

Time does heal the pain but it still sucks. Especially given the fact that while I have many virtues, unfortunately patience is not among them.

Positive Outlooks Blog

There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don’t want to know, but have to learn. And people we can’t live without but have to let go. — Jennifer Jareau

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