Narcissists & Intimacy

Narcissists & Intimacy

Written by Alexander Burgemeester

If you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you may find that the relationship is less intimate than you thought it was. It is probably intense, time-consuming, long-lasting, and uses a great deal of your mental energy—but intense is not the same as intimate. An important test of intimacy is to ask yourself the following questions: “is this relationship a safe haven where I feel loved and accepted for being me?” and “do I trust the other person and do they trust me?”  If you cannot answer ‘yes’ to both of those questions, read on.

A narcissist can be extremely good at giving the appearance of intimacy… and she will turn it on and off at her pleasure. She may run hot and cold- going in and out of being highly somatic and needing a sex partner. When she’s needy, she offers intimations of intimacy that are very appealing and hard to resist. It’s easy for her partner to think this time she’ll be different, but… she’ll go back to being selfish immediately once she’s got her gratification. Narcissists are the ultimate users.

Fear of Intimacy

People with personality disorders are fearful of real, mature intimacy. Mind you, intimacy is formed not only within a couple, but also in a workplace, in a neighborhood, with friends, or while collaborating on a project. Intimacy requires emotional involvement; it is the result of interactions with others in constant and predictable (safe) close relationships.

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder interpret intimacy as codependence, emotional strangulation, and the demise of freedom. They are terrified by it and avoid it; their self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors are intended to tear apart the very foundation of a successful relationship, career, project, or friendship. Narcissists feel elated and relieved after they unshackle these ‘chains’. Narcissists are simply indifferent, callous and careless in their treatment of others. Their abusive behavior is usually offhanded and absent-minded, although when they feel threatened or are in the devaluation process their behavior can be calculated and premeditated.

Emotional intimacy occurs when we share ourselves deeply with another person. Mutual trust is required in order to feel safe and secure with another person. Narcissists are not able to truthfully share or trust. Some narcissists are truly gifted at pretending and appearing emotionally invested in you. They are often unusually attentive in the beginning, idealizing you, and offering to meet all of your needs and more. Narcissists can appear to be exceptionally sincere and many people fall for this act.

Development of Intimacy

We learn to be emotionally intimate when we are very young children. It begins with a secure, loving attachment to a parent. The child who feels securely attached is able to express his\her feelings openly without shame or fear. The parent is in tune with the child and able to comfort him when he is frightened, confused or angry.  As a result of psychological needs being met by a parent, the child learns to trust others and feel secure about himself as a person. Mothers of narcissists are not good parents; they reward the child, whom they regard as special and superior, as long as he/she reflects the desired parental image. These children are highly praised, and prized, in the narcissistic family- not for who they genuinely are- but for fulfillment of the wishes or dreams of the narcissistic parent. As a result, the narcissist never learns in early childhood how to become emotionally intimate. Because she/he is not loved for being her/his real self, the narcissist never learns to relate to themselves on a deep emotional level nor can they reciprocate any real affection or love for another, even their children.

Consider friendship with the narcissist as another example of a relationship. You cannot truly get to know a narcissist friend. You cannot be genuine friends with the narcissist for all the reasons above. Plus narcissists are addicts. They are in constant pursuit of gratification, known as “narcissistic supply”.  Everything and everyone around them is an object, a potential source of narcissistic supply (to be idealized) or not a source (to be cruelly discarded).

Narcissists can be happily married… to compliant, subservient, self-deprecating and indiscriminately supportive spouses. They also can be happily married to masochists. However, a healthy, normal person would not be happy in an intimate-less narcissistic relationship.

Intimacy versus Intensity

Many partners of individuals with NPD confuse intimacy and intensity. Real intimacy has to do with trust, understanding, and feeling understood. People who are intimate (we don’t mean sex here) reveal personal vulnerabilities without fear that what they share will be used against them. Intimacy relies on feeling safe, mutuality, endurance, respect and no secrets. Without healthy self-disclosure at the right time, there can be no intimacy. And that takes honesty about who we are and how we feel. Narcissists are unable to be honest with themselves, let alone other people.

Intensity on the other hand, has to do with secrecy, lack of trust, high drama, fear and disrespect. Intensity with a narcissist is spent in fantasy, the cycle of idealization and devaluation, bitter arguments followed up by apologies and make-up sex. Sharing our deepest selves as a part of mutual sharing is fundamental to a sustained, mutually satisfying relationship. Unfortunately, narcissists don’t allow themselves to know their own vulnerabilities or feelings so they are unable to share with others.

Another factor that makes intimacy possible in a healthy relationship is being able to see both the good and bad traits of the partner at the same time. Again, this is not something narcissists can do. In their world, everything is black or white, good or bad (splitting).

Sex versus Intimacy

In a recent issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, University of Florida researchers found that narcissists are fixated on sexual gratification rather than enduring intimacy. (That’s probably not a surprise to anyone in a narcissistic relationship). Narcissists are more likely to have a history of short-term sexual conquests compared to people who consider commitment the most important aspect of a relationship. “Narcissists have a heightened sense of sexuality, but they tend to view sex very differently than other people do; they see sexuality more in terms of power, influence and as something daring, in contrast to people with low narcissistic qualities who associated sex more with caring and love.”

To read the rest of this article go to http://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-and-intimacy/

“Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Narc Kool Aid Here!”

Source: “Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Narc Kool Aid Here!”

Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Narc Kool Aid Here!”

“Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Kool Aid Here!”

get your kool aid here

Narcissists are ALWAYS HYPING AND SELLING the narc kool aid. Not a breath is ‘wasted’ on other things, like OTHER PEOPLE or events in life…no the narcissist is a living breathing walking PR campaign and self advertisement about just how, well…..”GREAT THEY ARE”.

We thinks thou doth protest just a bit TOO MUCH, narcissist.

Think about this from a normal person’s standpoint for a moment. Do you sell yourself everyday? Do you try to get people to like you? Agree with you? Go to bat for you? Fight your battles? Do you try to convince people that you’re nice? A christian? Loving? A good friend? Or best wife/husband around?

It’s actually exhausting just thinking about living this way. Imagine feeling that you have to be ON 24/7 just to feel “ok”. As a (low maintenance) female, Im lucky if I actually wear makeup once a month.

When our time is spent LIVING life, focusing on happiness and joy, and experiencing connection and contribution, we really don’t have time to SELL OURSELVES.

So let’s think about this. What are they SELLING ANYWAY?

They’re selling us on their IMAGE.
That image is their FALSE SELF. The unreal, imaginary, wishful mask that they dream they could be. If it were genuine, they’d just relax, live, be and let be. But because it’s hype, well they have a pressing need to HYPE it and boy do they. Go to any narcissists social media roll and there in plain sight you’ll see the diatribe of narcissism.

“Here’s me looking really gorgeous in this tight outfit”
“Here’s me in my expensive car, driving to my gala event, the biggest event of the year, who asked ME to be it’s host! Im so thrilled! I love my life!”

“Here are my gorgeous friends and me, just sipping on $500 bottles of champagne”

“Here’s me just laying around naturally (in full makeup) and false eyelashes”
It’s actually very sad to witness, because you get to see how truly empty these people are. How the things they worship are all superficial, worldly, image based symbols of “worth”. Even when they’re posting pictures of themselves at supposed “charity events” or pictures of their kids excelling at something, the message is clear, “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!”

While those of us who are skilled at detecting the attention getting needs and schemes of a personality disordered narcissist, there are many sheep just milling the earth looking for something false to worship and a narcissist looks like a shiny gamble.

Former targets just want to yell to these sheep, “Wake up! It’s a rouse! This isn’t real! This person is NOT who they’re pretending to be. They’re a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They’re a danger.” But these lost souls have been found when a narcissist sweeps them up into their minion fold and gives them a “purpose”: Kool Aid Consumer & Narcissist defender.

The kool aid drinkers don’t listen to wise men. They keep drinking their kool aid, fighting the narcs battles when called upon, and unbeknownst to them, looking foolish and obtuse to the rest of us. It angers targets to see people behave so foolishly.

The narcissist is in desperate need of the kool aid drinkers, for without them, they literally DONT EXIST. A narc needs an audience, fan club, minions, flying monkeys and kool aid drinkers to survive. Without someone telling them how good they are, how giving and loving they are, they would implode in on themselves with shame and self loathing.

That’s the REAL narcissist. Take away the kool aid, and all you have is a person with a mental disorder, who hates themselves, pretends to be somebody good, someone they’re not, who uses and abuses people, including their own families and children and who is so full of themselves and worldly matters that they are hopelessly void of anything good or Godly. The narcissist sells kool aid and is so overly insistent about something about themselves to the point where we realize the opposite is most likely true.

So lets do a comparison. The Narc KOOL AID version of the narcissist and the REAL person:

KOOL AID NARC
CHARMING the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick and verbally facile

REAL NARC   The charm is contrived. The slick and verbal facile ability is actually the ability to flatter others to get what they want. The charm is in this case a means to an end. An agenda. Charm like this, is NOT alluring or attractive, in fact it’s a snare to your future abuse. If you want to avoid this real narc’s scheme, don’t fall for the charm. In fact, let Charm equate to a red flag that this person is TOO SLICK for your good sense.

KOOL AID NARC
Good, Altruistic, Giving, Charitable, Public persona, Christian, etc.

REAL NARC  As a study of good people (those they exploit and will identity thieve) real narcs learn who to mimic and why. They know that good people are trusted, respected and get the rewards of society. Real narcs want to appear as if they’re these people so they spend a great deal of time broadcasting and showcasing (selling) their “good guy” or “saintly girl” image.

Of course, the narc is nothing like the people they pretend to be. They are hypocrites. Painting themselves in a charitable light, while stealing others identities, reputations, ideas, and peace through abuse, scheming, manipulation, power and control is NOTHING charitable good or christian. In fact, those behaviors are on the list of 7 things God Hates.  Yes, God hates narcissism.  But the narcissist gets a lot of kool aid miles out of pretending to be a good person. They wouldn’t even begin to be able to start the process of being a good person because good people have humble hearts. Those who are truly charitable don’t take pictures of themselves and design a big PR campaign around being charitable. God calls that behavior out too in the bible: Give in secret. Don’t make a big show of it.

KOOL AID NARC

The victim. Oh boy do these people LOVE to wear the victim label. All of us who have been truly victimized, can relate to how much we honestly DETEST using the victim label to describe ourselves. Its a reason we use the term TARGET in our community. Not narcissists however, they want to look like the Poor, sorry, victim who nobody understands, everyone picks on even though they’re doing such good work (just look at their timelines), the guy who’s just trying to get along, or the girl who has so many haters (pooooor narcissist). Who in their right minds thinks that other people complaining about how cruel they are would switch it around to being a “hater”? Narcissists that’s who. They are always the center of some triangle or drama (that they created) but can’t take any responsibility for getting themselves there but they’re the first one to take to social media and enlist their flying monkeys on a campaign to slay the messenger (whoever confronted the narcissist honestly about a negative characteristic). They have endless stories about fights in the community, with bosses, with some imaginary enemy that’s persecuting them. Oye.

REAL NARC

The truth is, the REAL narcissist is NO VICTIM AT ALL. They’re the perpetrator dressed in victim clothing. They seek targets. They have agendas. They have impure motives. They use people. They abuse people and when they’re done, they unceremoniously discard people like trash. They slander people. They sic their flying monkeys on detractors and complainers and they sow discord wherever they go. They have a REAL reputation following them, with a target list a mile long, and all those kool aid drinkers don’t have any clue it exists.  The real narc lives in an imaginary fantasy world of “perfect” and have a clueless sheeple fan club to maintain their delusions. People that weren’t hiding anything wouldn’t need to go get their bully gang when anyone insults them. They’d stay strong in who they really are (a firm identity) and behave with character to have an honest conversation about the complaint. The real narc cannot do this! They run! The last time I saw my abuser…that’s what he was doing….RUNNING…in the court hall….away from the group of 30 people who just told the truth about him to a judge. Ill NEVER get that image of cowardliness of the running narcissist out of my mind. That’s what REAL NARCS do…they RUN from those who aren’t drinking the kool aid.

KOOL AID NARC

Loving. A person who appears to be sensitive, soft, vulnerable, insecure, kind, and loving.

REAL NARC

Evil. Im serious about this. Dead serious. The many many things I’ve learned about narcissists unfortunately keep pointing me back to the word that describes them best: EVIL. Why I would call another human being this horrible word is sometimes shocking to me, as I’ve never done that. With a narcissist however, I feel that the bible (my own personal opinion) has given me clear clear guidance as to who a narcissist REALLY is.

First, the narcissist has a hardened heart. They are entirely incapable of feeling connected to another person. 1) they don’t love themselves 2) they don’t possess empathy 3) they use & exploit people as a modus operandi 4) they’re not humble and can’t submit themselves to a higher power 5) they have the characteristics of satan himself

When God kicked satan out of heaven, it was because he wanted to exalt himself (play God) and be equal to God. Whether or not you believe the bible is irrelevant, what remains true is this: a narcissist is grandiose. They believe themselves the ultimate power. If you can’t humble yourself and understand that you aren’t the best thing going in this world, you CAN’T love other people, period.

The narcissist does not possess boundaries. Others have purposes to the narcissist that in their eyes, cause them to exist FOR the narcissist. They are extensions of him. A new “friend” is not a “friend” in the conventional sense of the word to a narcissist, they are a person who is of good USE. The friend may have contacts, look good, or know high status people. The friend may be talented or be a truly good person, but to a narcissist they have a purpose for use. A person who approaches someone with an agenda cannot love them, not even for the use they serve.

The narcissist doesn’t love themselves. In fact, just the opposite, the narc despises themselves. Yes, get past the image, get past the kool aid, a narcissist DOES NOT love themselves. Why? Because they feel ashamed. They know what they do, they know their dark thoughts and deeds and just because they hide them and fool people, their TRUE nature is NOT lost on them, it’s just HIDDEN. When I look at some narcs Ive known, here’s what I see in terms of them loving another:

You think, but they love their kids right? They say it all the time. NO!
1) Their kids are extensions. Mirrors. If the kid is doing great things, the narcissist is pleased at how this makes them look being their parent. Their kids future allows the narcissist to imagine their own immortality. For the narcissist will “live on” through their kids, and their kids and so on.

2) The things that narcissists can do behind their kids backs and to their spouse is evidence that the love doesn’t exist, because how could you purposefully do damage to your children without feeling empathy due to the love you have for them? Many loving parents STOP BAD BEHAVIOR because of their kids. They’ll stop cussing, smoking, having drinks in the house, carousing, etc. Because they don’t want their kids to witness this bad behavior. NOt a narcissist. They’ll keep on sinning, believing delusionally that “it doesn’t affect the kids”. Oh yes, it does, and we’re ALL witness to it narcissist.

When you love yourself, accountability and responsibility are HUGE components. We accept our imperfections, we admit them, we apologize when we hurt others.

They lack a conscience and they lack empathy. Its more important to a narcissist to remain blameless than to admit how deeply wrong they were and how much they hurt others. Not true with a narcissist this, humility is not in their “house of cards” – and thus, they can’t be humble enough to care for others. They remain isolated in their big perfect mess of an identity while blaming and shaming others for this gap.

If you take anything away from this message, PLEASE, when being offered a glass of narcissistic kool aid, JUST SAY NO! 

Myths, Manipulations & Lies- Part 1

narc cycle

Source: Machinations, manipulations, and all lies. Breaking and dispelling the myth behind that love that has trapped you emotionally to a very destructive and sadistic Narcissist.

reblogged from https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com

“You have been working your way up to this day for a very long time and just when you think you are finally ready and determined to leave because you know that you HAVE to get out of this relationship, the Narcissist in your life starts manipulating your emotions and turning them upside down and every which way with guilt, intimidation and even fear tactics! OR on the other end of the spectrum looks you in the eyes and tells you the exact words you have been waiting to hear – “I love you so much, I will do anything to change, and save us or I love you more than life itself!” There it is again that dizzying ride on that Narcissist’s roller coaster and you just can’t get off! You thought you were at the point of ‘enough is enough’ but before you know it the Narcissist has found a way to push your buttons in a manner to hook you back in again. Whether they say they love you or imply that they don’t like you (hate you) because you are everything wrong in this relationship, you are still right there with them and just trying to get it right with them SOMEHOW!

The real truth here is the simple fact that this Narcissist has kept you in this conditioned ‘limbo’ for a long time because you serve a function or a need along with many ‘other’ sources (people) that you were not always aware about. They have purposely managed you down to be like this and it is purely control, sadistic and a horrendous betrayal of your love and reality. This Narcissist used that big love bomb or charm to ‘get’ you hooked into their scheme until they no longer could keep the façade up and got what they came for! Bonding or real love is not something they are familiar with or understand within the same realm that we do but they know how to use it as a tool to pull you into their schemes. That charm or love was a decoy so they could tap into your resources or of course use you as supply. Because they don’t know love or bonding that old saying of ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ is written in stone with them – or again they can’t keep up the charade because the monster inside of them lives so close to the surface and always makes its way out. BUT again it serves the purpose until they get you hooked into their agenda!

Real caring and love will naturally grow between two normal people that are on the same page, but there never was any sort of growth in this relationship because it was all a terrible hoax, con job, farce or whatever words describes a dysfunctional predator looking for prey to feed it’s many needs! Those words are not very pleasing to see in writing but getting to the real truth will set you into a direction of healing and recovery. Sure it seemed like love but ask yourself right now if you believe that it was the real thing! It was the real thing to YOU, but that is what this Narcissist was counting on and using to keep you connected to them. This is why it is so readily described as a big CON job.

The Narcissist will find every way to keep you connected until THEY ARE DONE WITH YOU and not because they care, love you, or anything real that equates to any type of a cohesive relationship. It is a one sided take and take more relationship with them. The Narcissist knows all of your soft or blind spots intimately because she/he has been intensely studying and monitoring and projecting it back onto you so you SEEM to have so much in common. Then they disable your self-esteem and basically control you to stay until they are done with you because you offer a viable source of supply to them. How did they unlock all of that stuff – through that amazing love and through your emotions that made you feel like you could TRUST them. After all a Narcissist is ALWAYS a predator and you are the prey, or the source of Narcissistic supply. The Narcissist loves to know that you are enmeshed in her/his web and will remain there accepting their copious amounts of abuse, and knows exactly how to ensure this just like she/he knew how to trap you into loving them. Once you break free the Narcissist will show you the real monster that resides within and step up their game to try to annihilate your integrity and make you out to be the hideous and sick monster that they really are. After all they are completely entitled to abuse people because in their delusional way of thinking they are always the victim and entitled to whatever they want no matter what they do to get it.

Because of the negative conditioning you are basically addicted to trying to fix the wrongs and by doing so you have been conditioned to accept the blame with the very unfortunate consequence of being hooked into the abuse too! No matter how much you logically know you need to get away, every single cell in your body is addicted to the Narcissist in frightening and destructive ways. Their love was ABUSIVE from the very first day you met them and because it was built on a sadistic agenda of lies to pull you into their harem of supply. This is not love and you realistically know this underneath all of the confusion, this is desperate love or a trauma bond that attaches you to this frightening creature that keeps you captivated with their sadistic tricks and games so they can keep you as a source of supply until THEY are done with you. This is a horrendous situation that you NEED to escape from in order to heal from the damage that was inflicted on you. This is not your fault, this is somebody that is an emotional and psychological vampire that needs your attention, admiration, and more than likely some of your material worth as well! Today I can see this so clearly and only wish I had this information available to me at the time, but I didn’t and I fell prey to the psychological manipulation, lies, and isolation that locked me up in this bizarre world with a Narcissist!

After the many years of being conditioned and walking on eggshells trying not to upset your Narcissist you have completely lost yourself in all of this manipulation, control, confusion and emotional distress or the basic brain-washing to believe in this person. Each and every day was/is about surviving another day and not upsetting them and trying to get back to what you BELIEVED was a real or a cohesive relationship because of the seductive love bombing and charm that trapped you into this hideous cycle of abuse AND avoiding the pain they inflicted onto and into you. Take a quick look back and ask yourself how many years you have lost being in this cycle of back and forth arguments, blame, lies, and the conditioning that managed you down into a place of desperation? Now ask yourself if any of it has ever been resolved (the crazy arguments from nowhere) or is it the same exact cycle where you end up ALWAYS being blamed, punished, feeling helpless, vulnerable and WORTHLESS?

If your Narcissist is gone have they jumped right into another relationship and left you right there with all of the destruction without any sort of closure. Did they try to resolve any aspect of ‘what was wrong’ besides blaming you and possibly bragging about their new and amazing love? How could they move right on after being in such a terrible relationship with us? Here is the REAL truth – you could never please them and it would never get any better with them, nor could you heal them or make them see what they are doing, and they already had their next source of supply lined up – this is what they do in every relationship! If they left you it is because you were too smart for them and saw through their lies and they knew it as well as the fact that you were no longer a viable source of supply! We are just one of many objects to them and NO BIG DEAL because they ALWAYS find a new source of supply – that is their pattern and you will hear this many times over from other targets/victims! What does that say and what does that make us? NOTHING but another person that was objectified by this personality disordered person! YES this is a personality disordered person that does NOT share the same reality as we do. You were manipulated and conditioned into this subservient role!

What is their reality —– THIS! They are fundamentally compelled from deep within to deny and conceal all of their deficits or weaknesses through their self-made image. They consistently and habitually redirect any negative thoughts or appraisal of themselves outward, unconsciously believing that in doing so they will forever keep their deepest suspicions about themselves at bay and guarded. Getting anywhere close to confronting their darkness OR their innermost core scares them to death and they will defend their façade with a ferocious attack on anybody that threatens it or questions it. They can NOT face the truth about themselves so they defer to this amazing but FALSE self – but yet they act out in destructive ways that harm good people because the false self can’t even come close to reality so they have to extort (con people) through faked emotions and love until they are satiated. Their emotional resources are nonexistent and their time is completely used up maintaining this façade and supplementing the happiness they lack through fleeting encounters of securing all kinds of supply that includes a 24/7 source. Everyone is objectified to support this amazing Narcissistic façade that is non-existent and lacks real emotions. We are dealing with a facsimile of a person and a gross imitation of life that is meant to fool us in order for them to achieve their self-serving needs. It reminds me of a movie about aliens that landed on our planet and took over the bodies of other human beings so that the aliens could take what they needed from our planet by disguising themselves as one of us.

What is basically recognized by the behavioral sciences is that Narcissists totally and fundamentally lack self-insight, and that is putting it lightly! The truth is that they defer to this ‘false self’ by disassociating from their defective real self so that they never come to terms with the grotesque self that they loathe. Consequently they only have access to knowledge that they create (or basically imitate) that supports and becomes their false self and it works for them, but there is no such thing as empathy or emotions in that made up reality of theirs. Somehow they know exactly what they need to make up for the deficit to fit in. That to me is amazing enough proof to say that they DO KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG because they use what they need to get what they need – as well as the fact that they protect their façade fiercely because they know they are one huge lie. So with all of that in mind, they have to keep the mechanics of it constantly oiled, in motion, and well maintained to avoid stalling out and seeing the defective parts! They accomplish this with blaming, shaming and projecting those ugly parts onto us. Wow that is a whole lot of work to maintain an image – but that is the point here – they have to maintain this image to survive so it is an all-encompassing job for them. They also have the keen ability to compartmentalize each and every source of supply to keep their lies where they belong – never shall any supply source meet another!

Now as far as us, we are only supplemental players and the suppliers in their world and they need us to make it all work BUT there is never a real attachment to us or anything but fulfilling their needs. Their rigid and unyielding defense mechanisms can be seen as more or less defining their whole personality and everything else that seems like real emotions is purely manipulation to support that facade and draw supply into their delusional world. This is the only way for them to feel good about themselves and feel safe in a world that they have alienated and disassociated themselves from. They accomplish this by invalidating, devaluing, denigrating, and discarding others – sort of like a ritual to them just like they discarded their own self in favor of something better or the saintly façade in their case that they created. They have to feed the monster constantly to stay afloat so they can only focus on others flaws whether or not they really exist, rather than acknowledge, and come to terms with, their own deep flaws. They don’t have interpersonal boundaries whatsoever! I have heard this many times over and it rings true with Narcissists – ‘they can’t tell where they end and the other person begins.’ They view others as “extensions” of themselves, they regard them as existing primarily to serve their own needs, and they routinely put their needs before everyone else – even their own children and family.

All people are regarded as Narcissistic supply or suppliers to keep the Narcissistic machine running. We only exist to cater to all of their personal desires. We are not regarded as an individual with needs, instead we each have an independent role that is designed around how they might use us to their own advantage. Whatever a Narcissist seeks out to give themselves, they generally expect to get it from others instead of earning it – this is just part of the self-entitlement dimension that defines them as the perpetual victim. They are basic extortionists!

Just in their normal day to day conversations their flimsy or non-existent boundaries are so very apparent. Their undeveloped interpersonal skills and LACK of these boundaries compel them to dominate conversations, but somehow with charm and savvy that draw people to them. They seem powerful with their convictions and even very sure of themselves sharing intimate details about their life and even disclosing facts others would be more apt to withhold or be too embarrassed or humiliated to admit to. But they have no sense of shame, much less a filter or any restrictions to other people’s boundaries. But again there is no mechanism that registers right from wrong in their minds – that was deactivated when they gave up their real self – they truly are one huge void that is filled with LEARNED behaviors from observing us.

Magnetism: Being a Magnet for Narcissists and Why Narcissists Can Be So Magnetic

Source: Are You a Magnet for Narcissists? 

from https://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/

This is an extremely insightful article. The part that really hits home with me is this:

“Narcissists absolutely hate authenticity. They do not know how to be authentic, and they long to be authentic, burn and yearn for it, but they can’t be it, so they hate it. It is kryptonite to their superman/woman self/non-self.

Their main tools of controlling others are blame, shame, criticism, censorship, and anything else which makes another person adapt their self expression to suit others. They encourage political correctness, politeness, social niceties, and compromise in others to suit them. They use emotional blackmail to get you to willingly do what they want you to do. The prize for your subordination is that they may use you again.

So speak your mind. Express your emotions. Smile when you’re happy, frown when you’re angry, cry when you’re sad. Don’t say you’re fine if you’re not, say exactly what you are really feeling. Ignore their attempts to shut you up. If they have a tantrum, scream louder if you want to, or walk out and leave them to it, but don’t let their display of grandiose and overwhelming emotions stop you from expressing yourself.

They are not a child, don’t treat them like one, and don’t become their parent. Don’t be sensitive to their needs if it means being insensitive to your own. They are not, no matter what they tell you, sensitive to your needs in any other way than to use your needs against you to manipulate you. Put yourself first, because what they want is for you to put them first, and to put yourself last or even better forget about yourself completely.

You being you, all of you, uncensored, is a frightening and horrifying monster to a Narcissist. Because you are being real, and real people scare the shit out of Narcissists. They are not being real, they know that they are not being real, even if most of that knowledge is buried in their subconscious and they think that they are very real. They think everyone else is as fake as they are, in fact they think others are more fake than they are. They are their reference point for the world. They can’t express genuine emotions, or voice their real thoughts, and they apply this to others. They don’t actually know how to be real, and the very thought of it scares them. So when you are real and genuine, it stirs up the real person buried deep within them, and they live in fear of their real self because they don’t know who their real self is, it is unknown, and the fear of the unknown chills them to the marrow. This fear of their real self is the spur which governs their entire life, and all of their subsequent behavior is an attempt to escape and kill this real self off, and replace it with an idealized self of their own creation.

The ultimate lesson and gift that a relationship with a Narcissist gives you is this… Be yourself, all of you.

What is a Narcissist – someone who doesn’t know who their real self is. What do you get from a relationship ship with a Narcissist – the ability to see what not being yourself can do to you and to others.

The ultimate goal of a Narcissist is to be superhuman. To escape being human. The purpose of life is to be human. If we were not meant to be human, we would not be having a being human experience. The purpose of death is to be super human. As in we cast off the mortal, human being, coil and that’s that… the bit afterwards depends on your beliefs.

Be yourself. All of yourself, the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the positive and the negative. Embrace it all into one. Only you know who that is and how to be you. That’s your gift. That is what makes life worth living. And don’t forget you’re a human being… mistakes are a part of that, make them, learn from them, regret them, and be kind to yourself, even when you’re not.”

Why Are Narcissists Sexy?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201304/why-are-narcissists-so-darn-sexy

The classic Greek mythical figure, Narcissus, is known for having fallen in love with himself. He wasn’t the only one, though. Everyone who knew him, including the Nymph Echo, became similarly smitten. We associate the personality trait, and disorder, of narcissism as involving excessive self-love but rarely consider the fact that they may exert a magnetic pull on others as well. This magnetic pull only lasts so long, however, because the superficiality of the truly narcissistic individual causes the relationship to wear thin. At that point, they are forced to find a new partner who, again, may only stick around for so long.

Because their long-term prospects in relationships tend NOT TO BE VERY GOOD, narcissists become the masters of the good first impression. They know how to manipulate their own self-presentation so that they seem desirable and attractive. It’s possible that, like Narcissus, their disordered personality traits stem from their high intrinsic levels of physical attractiveness. However, it’s also possible that because of their narcissistic tendencies, they spend a great deal of time, money, and effort on making themselves look as attractive as they possibly can.

Are They Or Aren’t They?

Is He or She Really A Narcissist? Laying Boundaries and Accountability

So many people ask – How can I be sure?

I want you to be very clear on what I am about to state. It’s actually not important whether someone has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or whether they don’t, or are displaying enough narcissistic traits to make your life painful or unbearable. What is important is that you are aligned with and living the life that you wish to live, and creating that truth by holding powerfully to that truth – no matter how hard that may be to do ….

Most people have some narcissistic traits and it is normal to have exhibited narcissistic behaviour at some point in their life. However, there is a big difference between normal people who are capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their behaviour and those with NPD who are incapable of this.

I am aware that this person at some point seemed like the love of your life and the temptation is to try and help this person change their narcissistic behaviour and recover. The problem is that some people take the N’s word immediately only to be set up for another soul destroying experience.

In this article I am going to show you how you can use the most powerful tool in your arsenal – boundaries – to find out if this person is capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their actions without risking another experience that could cost you your soul, mental well-being and even life.

There is nothing worse than being set upon maliciously by someone you believed you could trust, someone you love, and someone you thought loved you and had your best interests at heart.

It is a highly traumatic experience ….

Do you want to have that happen to you again at the hands of this person?

Clearly – NO!
I promise you, it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behaviour, have had their near death experience (wake up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy and addressed their inner toxic issues causing their narcissistic behaviour, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive and loving partners – and even spectacular ones.

It’s not the norm, but it can happen – if this person has the resources and does not have NPD.

There is a huge difference between a person who has acted badly, takes full responsibility, and does everything in their power to heal, and another who stays stuck in non-accountability, projection and poor behaviour.

The truth of the matter is, if this person does have the resources to heal and re-create themselves as a stable partner with integrity for you – a lot of this shift has to be created by you.

But it won’t be as a result of you “fixing” this person.

It will actually be as a result of you “fixing yourself”….

Therefore, don’t wait around, research articles and obsess about whether or not your narcissistic partner is or isn’t capable of healing and amending their ways.

Instead live your truth powerfully.

THEN you will find out ….

A little further in this article I’m going to explain how you can do that ….

Before I do that, I would like to share my opinion regarding the people who truly I feel there is little or no hope for ….

 

Which Narcissistic People Are Extremely Unlikely To Heal

  • Pathological liars
  • Serial sex addicts
  • Those resistant to having any therapy, or who denounce therapy after one or only a few visits, or who use therapy as a “trick” to make you assume they are changing, or use joint therapy experiences without accountability to devalue you as the partner (you’re the defective crazy person)
  • Physical abusers
  • Those who display a distinct lack of empathy
  • Individuals who display regular criminal, sociopathic or psychopathic behaviour

If your narcissistic partner or ex-partner fits into any of these categories, I believe the chances are incredibly slim of reform, and I would suggest moving on and keep moving on. This is just my opinion based on what I have observed over the years. If you believe otherwise that is fine.

 

What Traits Will a Genuine Person Display When Healing Their Narcissistic Behaviour?

  • Hitting rock bottom as a result of “loss” – generally this loss will be you
  • Full and ongoing ownership and accountability of what they have done, the issues they have, the damage created and total remorse for their narcissistic actions
  • Ongoing and committed therapy that he or she is doing as an integral part of their personal journey, as a “have to” and a “want to” do
  • Repairing any damage they have inflicted to the best of their ability – including financial damage
  • Full focus on caring about you and wanting to support you and help you feel safe in the relationship rebuild
  • Granting consistency and full disclosure of their life, and the actions match the words
  • Ability to grant you the time and space to heal and connect at your pace
  • Not displaying entitlements, jealousy or revenge concerning any relationship opportunities you may have pursued in your time apart – instead, accepting thatit’s because of their behaviour that you were in that position
  • Willing to talk to anyone else in your life that doubts them, has been damaged, or has fear for your well-being, whilst conducting themselves in full humility and accountability in order to help support you
  • Loving you enough to want you to be happy with or without them in your life (not making it about them)
  • Asking you to lay boundaries such as financial or relationship contracts to prove commitment and to help you feel safe (if applicable)

What you are reading above may be outlandish or even seem incredible to you. I promise you there are individuals who have treated their partners abusively who have risen from their narcissistic actions to become the men and women I am describing above.

And quite frankly their partners after losing trust and having their hearts smashed should know that it is only with these types of actions that you can be safe to trust this person again. Also nothing less than full accountability, real boundaries and compliance with these boundaries is going to ensure the narcissistic behaviour does not happen again.

And you should never engage again unless you do receive this level of authentic sincerity.

These traits (all of them are necessary), are the only way you will know that your partner in fact does not have NPD.

 

Narcissistic Supply or Genuine Remorse and Rebuild?

We all know narcissists often don’t like letting go. We all know they can say exactly what we want to hear, cry, plead and promise the world.

Narcissists love “hoovering” (sucking you back in to the relationship in order to get narcissistic supply); in fact, it is one of their most practiced and perfected games. The intent behind the “I love you, I can’t live without you” is not the accountability to transform into a loving, safe, healthy partner – the intent is to get you back into the narcissistic malicious web. In such cases it is nothing to do with “love;” it is all about feeding the narcissist’s insatiable ego.

You see it is an enormous insult to a narcissist for a previous partner to move on and create a life without them ….

 

Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse

 1. DON’T take this person on their word immediately

Tell him or her “I still love you” (if that’s how you feel), but state firmly “I can’t trust you, and I would never consider this relationship again unless I could.”

Now you have thrown down the challenge. If this person genuinely loves you and wants to make amends, they have to prove they can be trusted.

2. DON’T grant this person a chance until they “crack” and hit “rock bottom”

Anyone who is acting narcissistically is playing out lack of accountability and is projecting their stuff on to you. Narcissistic behaviours are created from fear and ego, and egos are powerful. They need to crack open with pain in order to be addressed and healed, otherwise the show of “love” and “remorse” will only be a band-aid that will not hold.

3. DON’T accept any suspected narcissist who is not committed to ongoing therapy and personal development

Decent people (who can include people with unhealed parts who have acted badly), who accept that their behaviour is defective, and that their life is not working for themself and others, want to fix their issues. Without being held accountable by therapists and working diligently on their unhealed parts with full disclosure to you regarding their therapy and prognosis, this person is not serious about healing and not committed to granting you safety and trust.

4. TEST the accountability and remorse

People who have hurt you are never safe unless they can provide genuine accountability and remorse. Those who can’t are absolute repeat offenders waiting to happen – guaranteed. If you can’t express your hurt and pain of what happened to you to this person without them staying in full support and empathy – you are not experiencing the real deal.

Projections, blame throwing and excuses are not acceptable – even if spasmodic. They either accept what they did was wrong and hurtful, or they don’t! There is no middle ground on this one.

5. KNOW the difference between it being “about you” or being “about them”

If you have been abused it is time to be “entitled.” You are learning that, in order to create your reality of deserving truth, integrity, love and support, you have to be it and live it. Watch the suspected narcissist at his or her version of rebuild. Believe me it’s crucial to observe this very closely after being abused if considering taking this person back.

Is this person consistently caring about you? Do they state things like “I know I may have lost you through my actions, and I have to accept that” and “If you feel that you will be happier moving on rather than trying with us again – I promise I want more than anything for you to be happy, as much as it hurts” and “I don’t blame you for dating that guy, I know it was because of my actions that you did that” and “If you have any unresolved pain or problems please talk to me. I want you to talk it out and feel safe?”

Or, do you very soon notice that as soon as you don’t comply and give the narcissist what he or she wants, that the demands, aggression, projections, blame throwing “poor me” and guilt trips start again.

6. TRUST how it feels

As soon as you notice the narcissistic traits again, pull away, go back to no contact and hold your powerful personal boundaries.

Remember – Narcissistic abuse is not your reality ….

 

The Million Dollar Question

Now I hope you realise the question really isn’t “Does he or she really have NPD?” The questions really is: “Is this person going to really step up and become a healthy, safe partner?”

The truth is you will never know the answer to that question until it does or doesn’t happen. If you don’t see this happening – your answer is “No.” If it hasn’t and isn’t happening right here / right now – then the answer is “No” unless it ever does happen, and then the answer may change.

In the meantime you are living your life in truth and alignment …. Seek out people and a life that is in alignment to truth, integrity, love and support, and accept NO LESS.

We can’t create that reality any other way.

Certainly you never will create a healthy, safe love reality by accepting someone in your life who is abusing you without them performing the above necessary criteria.

Ifyour situation is not about the possibility of getting back together with a narcissist, but more about presently being with a narcissist who you wish could change – leave him or her, set the parameters and find out of this person is real, if the love is real, or whether it was a NPD relationship.

Be very, very clear that you deserve nothing less than real love and truth and hence why the boundaries I have described are crucial, absolute and completely necessary.

People who reunite with narcissists without establishing and sticking to boundaries, always run a large risk of stepping back into even worse abuse than they originally walked away from ….

This is another one of those life and death – make or break deals … totally.

Know that if you do accept abusers in your life without them proving their integrity and safety you are abusing yourself.

 

– See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/#sthash.V5NENmSR.dpuf