One Man’s Search

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This was a search term on my blog the other day.

Sex with female narcissist, she ridiculed.

My first thought was Wow! Maybe Putz has been searching google again lol. I know it’s happened to him more than a few times. Then I just felt bad for the person searching this.

I know now there are people willing to put up with this kind of abuse for years. Nobody should ever ridicule someone they love. If you choose to stay with a narcissist, female or male, you will be mentally and emotionally abused. That is an absolute certainty.

Narcissists never change except when they act like they have to suck you back in. They are amazingly talented and charismatic actors. Also you are their main supplier of what they need to survive. Attention, adoration, and love gives them narcissistic supply.

They are incapable of real love or empathy, as you have surely witnessed by now. But they will fake it to keep you around. Just like they will put detergent in the washer to make it work, you are just another appliance to them. The best thing to do is let them think they’ve won and get far away from them ASAP. Don’t waste your life on these emotional vampires. They’re not worth losing anymore weeks, months or years with. Please get help from a therapist experienced with narcissistic abuse. Otherwise you’re just wasting time or worse will end up even more addicted to your narcissist spouse/significant other!

Free yourself from the trauma bond with the narcissist. It won’t be easy but it will definitely be worth it.

Always on the Fake

Narcissists are incapable of being real or sincere. Everything they say and do is fake. They are nothing more than empty shells. I cannot imagine a sadder, more pathetic existence can you? This is from the site of a self-proclaimed narcissist. It’s like seeing inside the head of a monster. http://www.narcsite.wordpress.com

 

Source: Always on the Fake

Fakery, fabrication and lies are the bricks and mortar of our existence. They are the bread and butter that enable us to have sustenance. I know that when you look back at the golden period you always struggle to understand that it was not real. You cannot fathom out how something that felt so right, so true and so real could actually be something so false. Our behaviour seemed so genuine. Our declarations of undying love so moving and emotive, how could this be a façade? Yes you thought occasionally that we were a little over the top but you found that endearing. The reason it seemed so genuine is because our performance was so convincing. This performance was of such a high calibre owing to two things.

Narcissistic Mothers

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blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–You Are Not Alone

When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you
are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time.
Many daughters don’t realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold
mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that
think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so
devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly
on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful
she is.

Inside the home she is monstrous. Many of the narcissistic
mothers try to annihilate their children mentally and emotionally.
They pit one child against the other.

Others are cold and unexpressive.
They never have a moment to speak to their daughter. They are always
busy, rushing to work, spending evenings completely out of touch with
their children. Some daughters idealize their mother as a way of
surviving and keeping themselves protected from the truth of her nature.
When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are always in conflict with her. They make efforts to stand up for themselves. But there is the
narcissistic mother’s revenge. These daughters then become a constant
target of scorn, recriminations and threats. Mother promises that she
will help her daughter go to college and at the last moment she pulls
out, saying that she simply can’t afford it. This is an all out lie. She
has gotten her revenge. One of the reasons for the narcissistic
mother’s horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is
exceedingly jealous of her daughter. Often she picks one daughter whom
she targets for the worst abuse. I have known these daughters and they
have weathered horrible abuse–daily intimidations and humiliations. She
constantly undermines this daughter, telling her that she is ugly, that
she smells, that no one is really her friend, that they are pretending
to like her, that no one will ever want to marry her, that she is not
bright enough to go to college, that she has no talents and on and
on—endlessly undermining this child.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers that say: “enough” and leave their households
early. This is very difficult but they find other family members who can
be of some assistance. Sometimes families of their friends provide them
with support. And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.
They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves
and become independent.

 Whatever stage of dealing with your narcissistic mother you are in, I congratulate your courage and fortitude. You know the truth. You are a fine human being. Your mother
is a severe personality disorder. You have prevailed. You are free. Fly and glide like the Monarch butterflies who complete their migration over three generations and thousands of miles–so beautiful so determined, so wonderful.

lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Not All Bad

narc hurt

http://letmereach.com/2015/06/17/hes-not-all-bad-and-other-dangerous-fallacies/

SHE’S NOT ALL BAD” AND OTHER DANGEROUS FALLACIES

It’s hard to admit, but…

You’ve been lying to yourself about your partner.

There’s an ever-widening gap between the person you want her/him to be and the person she/he really is.  You have an idea of what constitutes a healthy relationship, yet you forgive your partner when she/he commits serious relationship grievances because, after all,  she’s/he’s not all bad.

It started out small, didn’t it?  You caught her/him in a “minor” lie, but she had a somewhat reasonable explanation for it.  When you put two and two together, her justification seemed sensible, so it changed from being a lie to a “slight misunderstanding”.

Then, when it kept happening, she turned your attention away from the fact that she was lying to your being “suspicious, needy, and insecure”.  So that when you’d catch her in another lie, she’d simply rage about your always watching her every move .  When that got old, she began chalking up her bad behaviors to your having “let yourself go”.  Suddenly, you were overweight, getting old, uninteresting, and a clingy basket case.  Even worse, she claimed you’d become so “schizoid” that you weren’t good relationship material for anyone.  And so you decided to stay instead of being alone because “she’s not all bad”.

Now, out of a one-month period, you might have one or two “good” days while the rest of your time is spent in misery and complete disaster.  You survive day-to-day, barely staying sane, hardly able to function (or take care of your children) while waiting for the rare occasion that she might be “nice”.  Through all the tears, heartbreak, and sucking it up, you know she’s going to come around at some point because she’s just “a normal person who makes human mistakes”.

If this sounds like you, you are experiencing extreme cognitive dissonance, which is a symptom of C-PTSD.  Cognitive dissonance thrives on your chalking up your partner’s lies and infidelity to dangerous fallacies that we all come to believe in toxic relationships, such as:

  • There isn’t anyone decent out there
  • No one is perfect
  • Most people are selfish
  • She acts that way because of her painful childhood
  • I can love her past her character disorder
  • Well, I haven’t been perfect, either

Of course you haven’t been perfect because you’ve been emotionally traumatized.  People who have been emotionally and psychologically abused typically display C-PTSD symptoms that can mimic bipolar disorder.  Judith Herman, author of Trauma & Recovery, describes C-PTSD as a form of trauma associated with prolonged subjection to totalitarian control including emotional abuse, domestic violence or torture—all repeated traumas in which there is an actual or perceived inability for the victim to escape. [1]  This may cause difficulty in regulating one’s emotions, explosive anger, and changes in self-perception which include shame, guilt, and self-blame.  All very devastating for someone who didn’t start out that way.

I’ve been coaching people for a good while now and the people who come to me for help generally share a specific set of personality traits (based on data derived from informal personality assessments).  While there are occasional deviations, most of my clients are INFJ (or generally Intuitive/Feeling), Empathic, and Highly Sensitive.  Knowing what I know about these traits, the person who possesses them is very caring, nurturing, over-conscientious, and generally NICE.  But sadly, they stop believing that about themselves because they’re in a persistent state of nuclear meltdown from being mistreated and manipulated by their toxic partner.

If your partner is constantly lying, being cold and being unfaithful, it’s a warning flag of a serious personality disorder – one that cannot improve.  When we forgive and accept their excuses for these behaviors, we inadvertently teach them to keep doing more of the same.  Over time, we lose more and more of ourselves while teaching our children that these events are normal in relationships, romantic or otherwise…and perpetuate dysfunctional relationship dynamics in the process.

And therein lies the danger in believing the common fallacies we come to accept in toxic relationships.  If you are accepting the unacceptable, are waiting for your partner to change, and experiencing cognitive dissonance via believing things will get better in the face of increasingly devastating emotional abuse, it’s critical that you go No Contact and get help before your C-PTSD symptoms get worse.

Stand up for yourself.  There are good people out there.  Don’t continue sacrificing your morals and self-respect for people who aren’t.

20 Identifiable Traits of a Female Narcissist

Source: 20 Identifiable Traits of a Female Narcissist

Women narcissists often are also diagnosed with the subset Histrionic Personality Disorder:

A personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, usually beginning in early adulthood. These individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious.

They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others. Associated features may include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, feelings that are easily hurt, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs.

Female narcissists focus more heavily on physical appearance that male narcissists. They often overestimate their own attractiveness, and focus on displaying or flaunting physical attributes. Scientists think there may be a link between narcissism and anorexia or bulimia.

In summary, female narcissists see their lives as a running feature film with them in the lead, receiving accolades at all times. Women narcissists in their 30s and 40s who are unhappily single will generally blame their unpartnered state on being too independent, feisty, strong-minded, intimidating and intelligent for most men.  Or they blame their usually unhappy marriages on their abused and manipulated spouses because they haven’t done enough or given them enough. But this is just another manipulation, as nothing is ever enough for the narcissist. They have little self-awareness.

How to Identify a Female Narcissist

Physical Appearance

  1. She dresses provocatively, flaunting sexually suggestive body parts.
  2. She focuses attention on makeup and hair, even for the most mundane tasks or events, getting the mail from the mailman for instance.
  3. She is overly confident about her looks. Research shows that narcissists are no more attractive than other people, but they believe they are much better looking than other women.
  4. She places high value on brand names, and feels entitled to wear “the best.” She frequently purchases new clothing, and does not distinguish between wants and needs.
  5. She is more likely to have plastic surgery, most commonly breast augmentation.
  6. She enjoys being photographed, and often asks others to snap her picture. She enthusiastically shares the best pics of herself on Facebook, Instagram or other social media sites. She will sometimes invest in a professional photographer for a portrait that she uses on Facebook or for online dating.  Almost all of her many many pictures are usually only of her, not of her family.

Personality/Character

  1. She insists on being the center of attention, and is often the most charming person in the room. Some Narcissists are very outgoing and excel at marketing themselves. Except covert narcissists who are shyer and more introverted than their overt narcissistic counterparts.
  2. She often seeks favorable treatment, and automatic compliance. She believes that she is special, and that she deserves fame, fortune, success and happiness.
  3. She is highly materialistic.
  4. She is prone to envy, though she presents as supremely confident. She seeks opportunities to undermine others, and enjoys sharing confidences about how the two of you are better than others.
  5. She is convinced that others are envious and jealous of her, and often uses this excuse for her lack of real, intimate friendships. When her friends enjoy successes of their own, she finds ways to punish them by downplaying their achievements.
  6. She lacks empathy, and even common courtesy at times. She puts others down, including you. She does not hesitate to exploit others.
  7. She is very competitive.
  8. She believes that she is superior to her peers.
  9. She blames others for problems. Narcissists don’t believe that they make mistakes, and lack the ability to process shame.
  10. She displays a haughty attitude when she lets her guard down or is confronted. She will act impatient, arrogant and condescending. She will often excuse her own shortcomings by claiming that others are pressuring her or expecting too much of her.
  11. She is dishonest and often lies to get what she wants. She will never admit this.
  12. She is “psycho:” She engages in risky behaviors, has an addictive personality, and is prone to aggressive behavior when rejected. (Note: This is most common with Histrionic Personality Disorder.)
  13. She is unpredictable in her moods and actions. You have trouble figuring out what she wants and where you stand.
  14. She is capable of short-term regret, and will apologize profusely if backed into a corner. However, she will quickly rationalize her behavior and return to narcissistic patterns.

A woman doesn’t need to have all 20 of these traits to make a lousy relationship partner. If you can check off even a few of these characteristics, you should head for the hills at 60 mph. The six traits related to physical appearance should be apparent immediately, or within a short time of meeting.

Narcissistic personality traits can be difficult to detect at first. Narcissists always make a strong showing right out of the gate, and it takes time for them to reveal their negative qualities. They will only do so when feeling threatened or that they are not receiving “their due” in some way.

Covert / Stealth Narcissist- The Most Damaging

From Krista @ Abuse No More
The Covert / Stealth Narcissist

NOTE: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is strongly characterized by complete self-centredness and outright denial that forms an invisible and virtually indestructable protective psychological barrier in order to defend the sufferer’s true emotions.

What Is A Covert Narcissist?

Undoubtedly the most damaging form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is covert narcissism. Covert narcissists can seem highly defensive and extremely hostile whilst masking beneath their facade an insecure sense of emotional vulnerability, a vulnerability they will do anything to prevent exposing. Although a covert narcissist generally possesses the same traits as an overt narcissist (need for attention, approval, adulation and grandiose fantasies) these are not commonly expressed in overt behaviour making covert or stealth narcissists much more difficult to recognize. Some people go decades before recognizing the narcissist in their life.

How Is Covert Narcissism Different?

In addition to the standard symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the covert narcissist is also susceptible to stress and worry. They tend to operate inefficiently and their expectations remain unfulfilled. They repress awareness of their narcissistic traits due to inner conflict, deep down inside they find their fantasies embarassing and unnacceptable. Deep down inside they realize that their fantasies are self-centred and solicit goodness and power to one’s self, to put one’s self up on a pedestal above all others.

What Are The Symptoms Of Covert Narcissism?

Covert narcissists are too afraid to exhibit their accomplishments to others and commonly underestimate their own capabilities. Their overt behaviour usually projects an innocent angel-like ‘good as gold’ persona which builds them a credible reputation yet they fail to reach their true potential due to their own self-doubt. Some of them go on to become almost seemingly zombified and gradually lose all interests in their hobbies and decide to do nothing with their lives.

Why Is Covert Narcissism So Bad?

The most damaging aspect of covert narcissism is the controlling and manipulative behaviour they impose on people closest to them. If in a relationship this is usually solely their partner. They show a lack of empathy towards them and in many cases also towards their children if they have any. A female covert narcissist may have children with their partner in order to tie them down and to secure them as sources of narcissistic supply, they may even manipulate the children out of him by failing to use or purposely damaging contraception or even committing paternity fraud. A male covert narcissist may try to tie their partner down in the same way by purposely not using or damaging contraception and exploiting the emotional bond between mother and child.

What Makes Covert Narcissism So Damaging?

In a typical case the only person who realizes there is a problem is the person closest to the covert/stealth narcissist, who is forced to suffer covert narcissistic abuse (very subtle emotional blackmail, mental abuse and psychological manipulation). Narcissists twist literally every little detail back round onto the victim. This abuse is so well hidden within communication dynamics that the partner often doesn’t pick up on it and is left scratching their head wondering ‘is it me?’ When the victim of this abuse eventually begins to develop awareness of the manipulation it gradually dawns on them that they have already been ostracized long before they anticipated and the people that they turn to for help have already been made to believe it’s them who has issues – they’ve already been turned against the victim. The covert narcissist makes their partner feel like they are the one with the problem whilst projecting an innocent angel-like persona to everyone around them. They will make their partner look bad and completely destroy their reputation in order to protect their false sense of self. The narcissist has already attained the trust and belief of everyone around them and anyone close to their partner that they are likely to turn to for help. The partner feels like they are suffering alone, no-one around them can see what the cover narcissist is really up to.

Covert narcissists use cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and manipulative linguistic patterns to force their partner to question their own sanity, behaviours which people that know them would never ever dream of them even being capable of. They have everybody around them fooled by their pathological self whilst wearing down at the psyche and soul of their partner who, over time, becomes depressed, loses self-esteem and feels like their soul is being worn down until they eventually seemingly become devoid of emotion themselves – this then further backs up the narcissists claims that their partner is the one with the problem.

When arguing with a covert narcissist, a partner will usually be left at a dead-end. Their logic appears to be incompatible with that of the narcissist and they always get outwitted. The narcissist will go on to state how they took the parner into their life and ‘saved’ them when they needed it and make the partner feel that they are forever endebted to them. They make them believe that anything bad was all in their imagination and that they are paranoid.

Covert narcissists are the sort of people who have multiple partners, secret affairs (sometimes within the family) or even a complete secret life with someone else. They recruit friends and family who are fooled by the innocent persona they project to defend their false self by convincing them that their discovered secrets are just a result of paranoia or suspicion yet they will use special occasions such as valentines day or even funerals to get away with their infidelity, times when the victim least expects it.

Whenever the partner questions the abuse, lies or secrets that have been discovered then literally everything little details gets twisted back round on to them, they are then the one being accused of the abuse, lies and cheating. It’s a plain and simple defense mechanism which offers no logic or information on the subject and has to be kept secret in order to uphold the covert narcissts’s pathological self. Narcissists come up with one-line defense mechanisms rather than offering any logical explanation for their behaviour (it’s all in your head, that didn’t happen, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never said that). Statements like these are an instant sign of fear and guilt and make it clear that they’re not willing to even talk about it, they are not willing to take the risk of slipping up. However, in private the narcissist’s attitude towards their partner will be ‘either let me get away with it or get out of my life’. They make it clear that everything is about them whilst their partner’s feelings, needs, wants and desires are completely disregarded and they will totally discard their partner in the process with no empathy whatsoever, seemingly being cold-hearted and sadistic. Anyone who knows about the covert narcissist’s secret life is sure to be blackmailed or manipulated into keeping quiet, sometimes through proxy. Even when a narcissist does slip up, they claim that they have a communication problem and didn’t mean to say it, they will deny their secrets until the day they die even if they’ve already been discovered.

It’s important at this point to understand that the covert narcissist is also a sufferer. Although on some level they must be conscious of their abuse, mind-games and manipulation or they wouldn’t hide it from everyone, it has become their way of getting through life and is deep-routed in their subconscious. However, they still know the difference between right and wrong and good and evil but deep down inside they just don’t care – protecting their true (and self-denied) emotions is more important. The covert narcissist will make it clear to the person closest to them that they understand they have a problem, that they simply don’t care and are not willing to do anything about it even if that means losing the people closest to them in their life. Narcissists have no empathy.

How Do I Recognize Narcissistic Abuse?

Covert narcissists can be extremely flirtacious in party settings, though they often use occassional shock tactics whilst any further promiscuity is kept under cover – they pretend that they were too drunk and not in control and blame it on the drink. They make further arrangements in private and keep their affairs secret in order to uphold their false self-image.

A covert narcissist tries to tie their primary source of narcissistic supply (their partner) down early on in the relationship. They suck up all the finances within the relationship, cut off their partner’s contact with family and friends and damage or lose their partner’s official forms of identification claiming it was an accident leaving them without money or proof of who they are. They manipulate them into a situation whereby they don’t have the resources to leave the relationship or have any control.

Narcissistic ideology shines through the relationship solely to the narcissist’s partner, they are usually the only person that recognizes the problem though are left with no escape route – when seeking help, family and friends accuse them of twisting around everything that the covert narcissist has already told them back on to them in the process of ostracizing their partner – it’s a double-blind.

Covert narcissists attempt to make their partner believe that they have mental health issues and that they are insane, they will misbehave and tell their partner it was all in their head, they imagined it, it wasn’t real. Tell them that you are not willing to be manipulated and they will tell you there’s no relationship then. Of course, This is what everyone around them already believes, the narcissist has already built their army of support forcing the partner to question their own sanity.

What Problems Does Narcissistic Abuse Cause victims?

Ultimately victims of long-term covert narcissistic abuse can experience mild post-traumatic stress disorder – they experience nightmares and flashbacks subconsciouly piecing the parts of the puzzle together. This is the brain’s way of healing itself and it can be decades before this realization happens. When this happens the partner usually begins to figure out just what has been happening all these years though they still have to suffer the consquences of the abuse alone – their friends and family still believe it’s them that’s the problem.

When the narcissistic person can see that their victim is tired and worn down and in a weak vulnerable state it offers a chance for more emotional and mental abuse and the narcissist will inevitably kick the victim while they’re down. Narcissistic abuse feels cruel, cold-hearted and twisted for the victim. The most significant aspect of this disorder is that people in these type of relationships are twice as likely to suffer with stress-related medical problems such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, heart attacks and strokes.

http://sparkster.hubpages.com/hub/The-Covert-Narcissist

Excellent article. Describes 3 years of my life perfectly. No one saw her but me. It was SOOO infuriating when other people only saw the angel mask… sincerely, not one person saw or experienced the monster that I did. I looked like the crazy one… And now she is going around slandering me… I tried everything I could to help

Narcissistic Mothers- 2 Types of Children

This so accurately describes both of P’s kids, it’s chilling.  Obviously kids are smart and they know that their Mom isn’t like other Moms.  She’s not interested in what they think or how they feel and she never has been.  But how do you tell a kid that their Mom makes them feel like crap because she’s not capable of empathy?  How do you make them believe that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them and never will?  And most importantly how do you help them heal so that they are able to grow up and lead happy, healthy lives full of love and acceptance? And as a parent why would you ever choose to keep living with the person who is responsible for making them unhappy?  Just because she gave birth to them and seemingly loved them when they were adorable toddlers?  He better than anyone should realize the scars that are left from emotional trauma in childhood.

Adult Children of Narcissists

by MICHELLE PIPER

You were “parentified” as a kid, taking on the role of a parent to be emotionally and psychologically responsible for the well-being of your narcissistic parent, when it really should have been the other way around.

You may not have realized the stigmatizing effects that this has had on you until you grew up into your own person. It takes a toll on the self-esteem, self-concept, self-worth, and altogether life satisfaction. During childhood, siblings often mistake “parentification” as favoritism and resent or compete with you.  Quite the burden, I’d say.

There are typically two types of responses displayed by parentified children. Let me know if these sound familiar.

You have the compliant response and the siege response.

The compliant response is much what it sounds like, complacency reigns supreme in your adult life. You may spend a great deal of time caring for others (much like you had to do growing up), always trying to please those around you, and do whatever it takes to maintain a harmonious atmosphere, which usually means that your needs are put on the back burner. This may have caused you to be self-deprecating, feeling that you can give and give, but it will never be good enough.

Then there is the siege response, the complete opposite of the compliant adult child of a narcissist. If this is/was you, then you were probably defiant and rebellious, protecting yourself by becoming less sensitive or walled off and extremely independent.

You would do whatever you had to do to manipulate others and treat them as if they are the parents who wanted you to meet their every expectation. This is more or less a passive-aggressive attack on your parents through other people, doing to others what you wish you could’ve done to your narcissistic parent.

The fear of abandonment is a common theme among children with a narcissistic parent, as you may know. Always having to earn love from them and knowing that it can be taken away if the needs of your parent are not met is a heavy load for any child to carry, especially when you are the one that needs to be nurtured, shown empathy, and be taken care of.

This can carry on into adulthood, feeling that you need to perform to the standards set by your spouse or significant other. You might feel that you are only there to serve your counterpart, always feeling less skilled and deserving than the other, and doing whatever is needed to prove yourself in the relationship.

In many families with a narcissistic parent, children are used as pawns and played off one another for the amusement of the parent. If you have brothers and/or sisters this may be familiar to you. There is typically a golden child and one or more scapegoats.

Usually, the daughters of narcissistic mothers are chosen as the scapegoats, while the son(s) are chosen as the golden child(ren).

Your narcissistic mother may have cast you in all of these roles, abruptly changing your purpose when it suited her needs. This sudden demotion or promotion can be enraging or devastating to a child. Which role or roles did you play?

The golden child is the extension of the narcissistic parent, the perfect child that can do no wrong and is mirrored as a replication of the parent’s wonderfulness. Proper boundaries are not made between the golden child and the narcissistic parent, giving a sense of oneness between the two that leaves little or no room for the child to develop his or her own identity. As this adult child of a narcissist grows, he or she feels entitled to this same treatment, expecting others to act in the same way the parent did. Sound familiar?

Then there is the scapegoat, the outcast, the family member or members that take the blame for anything and everything that goes wrong. This child can never measure up to the golden child, even if he or she has greater accomplishments or does better in their life than the puppet of the parent.

Scapegoats are always seeking approval only to be turned down and made to feel inadequate for even attempting to outshine the golden child. This can cause a major rift between siblings, always competing with one another in a lose-lose situation where the referee is not fairly judging the players. Does that hit close to home?

As the scapegoat grows and ventures out into the world of freedom, they have a firmer grasp on their independence than the golden child does, as that child has never been allowed to be independent in their life.

I guess you can say that, retrospectively, the scapegoat is the lucky one. You may or may not agree. Typically, scapegoats can break free from the twisted and distorted dynamics of their dysfunctional family, and break the ties binding them to the abusive life that they were forced to lead. They have more of an opportunity to create a healthy life outside of their family.

However, the burdens they carried from childhood can still play a role in their adult lives. In the workplace, the scapegoat has a tendency to be overworked and underpaid even if their work is superior to others. They can be marginalized and never have the sense that they fit in comfortably with those around them, much like how they felt during childhood.

Scapegoats often do realize that this is a problem and are more apt to seek out professional help and psychotherapy than their other family members. If you happened to be the scapegoat in your family and have taken the steps to recover, you may have sought support from many different sources including meditation, spirituality, and truly loving relationships. What things have helped you to heal and have a better life? I would greatly appreciate your feedback.

With your narcissistic parent, you were most likely devalued and extremely under-appreciated. In the larger world away from the old narcissistic family system, you have the opportunity to be valued for your opinions, values and needs.

You find you can find others who allow you to express yourself and give a nurturing response to your own beliefs and needs. It can help you to recognize that you are an adequate human with positive attributes and skills to share with the world.

You learn that it is not your fault that your parent did not love you or show any empathy towards you, which is something that you really need—to be rid of the guilt and weight you have borne for so long.

The Covert Narcissist

By Tatiana Michelet 

Have you known and trusted someone for years only to finally and painfully wake up to the fact that you’ve been the victim of their extreme narcissistic tendencies?

Are you ashamed to have been fooled by a person who looks so perfect and innocent on the outside, that it’s hard to accept the truth – that you have been used to fuel their narcissistic supply?

For your own sanity, accept what has happened and move on because the person you thought you knew doesn’t exist, all there ever was, was a monster behind a mask.

What is Narcissism

Narcissism is more common than we think and to some extent, we all have a narcissistic streak in us, in fact, in moderate doses it can actually be healthy, contributing to self respect, providing a little ego boost when we need it and a little gratification here and there, but for most part, most of us are stable. By contrast, too little can result in low self love and low self esteem.

Too much narcissism is not healthy though. It is destructive, to narcissists themselves and those who are close to them. Extreme narcissistic individuals think that the whole world revolves around them, hiding their egoistic self and self hatred with confidence and skill.

Unfortunately our ignorance about extreme narcissism makes it difficult to spot the extreme male and female narcissists who sneak into our lives! So, do you think you know an extreme narcissist and what are the signs that indicate you may be dealing with one?

There are two types of extreme narcissists – overt and covert and some are easier to spot than others.

Overt narcissists are more common and much easier to spot, they externalise their arrogance, are outwardly demanding and display extreme character traits and their confrontational communication style does not go unnoticed!

Covert narcissists by contrast, are wolves in sheep’s clothing and are the most tricky and perhaps most dangerous sort so let’s focus on them. Covert narcissists are underhanded, deceptive and act behind the scenes. They pretend to be lovers, givers, altruistic, loyal and kind. These individuals are projecting to the outside world a calm and patient mirror but on the inside, they are as deeply selfish and narcissistic as overt narcissists.

Both overt and covert narcissists have grandiose fantasies, feel entitled and exploit and abuse people but the main difference between overt and covert narcissists is that unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists know that showing or displaying their true self will get in the way of achieving the power, recognition and the self centered success they crave.

They worry a lot about their lies being found out and are very vulnerable to stress but unlike overt narcissists, they don’t believe themselves, what they want others to believe about them. Covert narcissists don’t possess the confidence levels of overt narcissists and are prone to feeling guilty about thinking they could ever be something they know they can’t. They put up emotional barriers and try their best to suppress these feelings and not expose them to the outside world. They don’t feel guilty, however, about hurting others so in that sense they are the same as overt narcissists. They are still very competitive, conscious of their actions and calculated in their actions.

So how do you recognize a covert narcissist? The only sure fire way is to be close to that person from a personal angle, to have a personal relationship with them, because covert narcissists can’t hide forever from those who are personally involved with them but despite that it can take a long time before their cover is blown.

The tell tale signs to help you recognize a covert narcissist:

  • Emptiness, seems to have something missing that you can’t quite put your finger on

  • Stubborn, rarely apologizing unless they want something from you (see narcissistic supply)

  • Ability to make you feel guilty, even when something is not your fault

  • Entirely self centered; they are the center of their own universe

  • Expert liars; charming, hypnotic, a master of manipulation

  • Projecting their insecurities and defects onto you

  • Very sensitive to constructive criticism

  • Inability to form intimate relationships

  • Inability to feel genuine remorse

  • Blaming others for their problems

  • Low emotional intelligence

  • Highly materialistic

  • Extreme lack of empathy

  • Superficially charming

  • A victim mentality.

Denial: Narcissism often stems from childhood issues which I won’t go into here but a narcissist will often paint their childhood as near to perfect and if they seek help and deal with the root cause of their behaviors, then good for them but move on anyway, don’t continue to make yourself vulnerable.

Narcissistic supply

Narcissists want somebody to mirror them, they need people to reflect the false image that they have of themselves, not wanting to face the fact of who they are, what they do and how cruel they are. They don’t want to acknowledge the anger and rage that exist inside of themselves.

They see people as objects; if you can make them successful, if you can make them enter a certain group of people, if you blindly and naively love them, if you have anything that can be useful to them emotionally, socially or financially in the present or the future, then you qualify as a source of supply.

This can go on for a long time, until you are not useful to them anymore or you challenge them about who they truly are, worst still you expose them to the world! At this point they will discard you like an old rag, without remorse or regret; as if you never existed. They will also discredit you so that no one will ever believe that you have been their victim, if anything they will play the victim and point the finger back at you!

Narcissistic supply is the thing they need to bolster their weak sense of self and they take without giving anything back. Don’t count on a narcissist to be a shoulder to cry on, unless you are providing them with a good source of narcissistic supply; it is like a drug for a them.

Someone who can hurt you has power over you and attention whether positive or negative will feed a narcissistic ego. Being aggressive or angry at a narcissist won’t change anything, the best thing to do is cease all contact with them.

Who they target and how they catch their victims?

Narcissists can target anyone including strong and independent people but their favorite source of supply is most often highly sensitive, empathetic and caring, people with low self esteem, an inability to set healthy boundaries, and with issues they too are carrying over from childhood.

Narcissists are full of charm, they will charm you to death and tell you everything you want to hear, they study you, analyse you and know all the things that you want to experience in life. They’ll tell you that you are soulmates, they’ll promise you the moon so if it seems too good to be true, it probably is!

We all want to be appreciated, loved, held, thanked, praised and valued and a narcissist knows that, so to catch you, the narcissist will say the things to make you feel appreciated and appeal to your deepest desires and cravings. Narcissists are very intelligent, they have studied human behaviour their whole lives and they know how to manipulate people by stirring emotions deep inside of you. When you start falling for a narcissist watch out because they can lie and at the same time look at you so sincerely; narcissists are able to fool us because they pretend to be the person we want them to be.

Narcissists have envy and resentment that causes them to attribute power and goodness to themselves, and negativity and weakness to others. They seek out friends who are worse off than them because they fear being exposed for who they really are and they want to be seen as rescuers or as deeply caring for others. Covert narcissist always seems to admire people who are as successful as they would like to be but at the same time, they envy and hate those people for being successful. They claim that they want to see you succeed but then when you do, they envy you and hate you for succeeding.

The covert narcissist dwells on how much people do not appreciate them.

Narcissist’ s controlling and manipulation techniques

Gaslighting is a subtle, underground maltreatment, that can go unnoticed by the victim until it is too late. It penetrates you but it’s difficult to identify. Gaslighting is ambiguous, diffused, it is a dangerous kind of abuse. It leave no trace and you can’t prove it. Ambient abuse is perpetrated by dropping certain hints, by disorienting, its aim is to make you doubt your own sanity so that you are always left wondering what the narcissist is thinking and feeling. Don’t waste time trying to find out their motives or try to understand why they feel or think the way they do because it leads nowhere. Just accept you are a source of supply and move on. Gaslighting over a prolonged period of time can damage the victim sense of self and self esteem for a long time.

Silent treatment is used by narcissists who withdraw when confronted and is also a form of punishment they employ when you refuse to accommodate their needs. They ignore you out of the blue for as long as it takes, until you give up your own needs and agree to do whatever the narcissist wants you to do. Until you end up apologizing even, if they were in the wrong.

Divide and conquer is an approach used to isolate their victim. They’ll find out everything about you, your past, your secrets and use them against you, making you look bad while they are seen by everyone else as a perfect, loving and caring individual.

Dealing with a narcissist

Don’t waste your time and sanity trying to understand and help a narcissist. Don’t criticise them or confront them, they will twist things around and reflect all their flaws on you, leaving you looking like you are the abuser when in fact you just had your emotional buttons pushed and your mind played with, so you acted in self defense.

So don’t play mind games or seek revenge with narcissists because they’ll win, you can’t match their cruelty. Set boundaries and don’t tell them too much about yourself so they can’t use it against you.

They also fear being found out so they’ll go to any length to shut you up and unfortunately people believe them, they are so talented at faking emotions that most remain completely undetected.

No contact at all is the best way to deal with a narcissist. This information is from my research and years of personal experience dealing with and trying to understand a covert narcissist. It’s painful to accept at first and it doesn’t matter if the term “narcissist” is correct or not, all that matters is that people who behave in the ways described in this article exist and it’s in your own interest to acknowledge it, to protect your well being and your sanity.

Why Going to Therapy With the Narcissist is a Bad Idea

WHY GOING TO THERAPY WITH THE NARCISSIST IS A BAD IDEA

So you’ve been thinking about going to couple’s counseling with your abusive partner.

After all, you’ve apparently committed some serious grievances against them. According to her or him, it’s a wonder you’re not on the FBI’s Most Wanted List. With their help, you think back to the times you snapped as you pick up the phone and dial your insurance company to find marriage counselors in your area. You have been feeling high-strung and confused lately …and it seems you’ve been forgetting some of the horrible things you said to your partner, including how you wished harm upon their family, and their cousin, twice removed from their third step-father’s side.

Before you start going down the list of marriage and relationship counselors, it’s important to consider that going to therapy with a Narcissist will accomplish three things: 1) waste time and money, 2) keep you in a relationship that is doomed to fail anyway and 3) likely result in your feeling like more of the “monster” your partner keeps claiming you are.

The sad truth is that in my experience working with clients who have suffered narcissistic abuse, as well as the hours of research I’ve done, I’ve not come across one success story as it relates to couple’s therapy with a narcissist. Not one.  (It sure did nothing to help me!)

Sure, your narcissistic/abusive partner might agree to go to counseling with you, but it’s not to make any improvements or lasting change. They only do it to keep you enmeshed in the relationship and to enhance their false image of trying to “make it work”.

There are reasons for the lack of counseling/therapy success with a narcissist, including:

• Narcissists are masters at creating great impressions. Because of this, some naïve therapists side with the narcissist regarding the extreme and despicable claims made against the true victim – the one being emotionally and mentally abused.

• Because there’s such a lack of applicable experience dealing with narcissists, most therapists have been trained to address subjective perceptions. Due to this, narcissists get away with playing the victim, which puts them in a one-up position in regards to the abuse dynamic that will inevitably get worse at home.

On the topic of subjective perceptions, the victim often goes along with what the therapist says, thus working double-time to improve the relationship…all in vain. (This is also due to the victim being co-dependent, which causes him or her to put in more than their fair share, anyway). The narcissist will not appreciate any efforts extended by their victim, and in fact may mock them, causing further emotional damage.

• It’s not unusual for the narcissist to insist on seeing the therapist first. This gives him or her the opportunity to lay down false accusations and give the therapist a wrong impression of what’s actually going on in the relationship.

• The victim, feeling safe and encouraged by the therapist, usually expresses their pain, disappointments, and may possibly confess to serious emotional or physical assault. This often makes things much worse for them at home, and strengthens the trauma bond, thus making it harder to leave.

• Typically, the narcissist goes into the therapist’s office and morphs into a fictional, decent character. Once back at home, they return to their normal, abusive selves.

Please understand that this article is not meant to discourage anyone from seeking individual therapy. This post was written to highlight some of the reasons why therapy with the narcissist is a recipe for disaster. Further, there are some very skilled therapists who can detect a cluster-B disordered person within minutes of meeting one. Those who are skilled in this area will usually inform the abuse victim of their observations regarding the emotional abuse and exploitation dealt out by the narcissist.

Victims of narcissistic abuse and emotional trauma should always incorporate professional therapy as part of their recovery program to address conditions such as depression, PTSD, anxiety, phobias, family of origin wounds, and the like. There are some wonderful and skilled counselors out there, though it may take some exploration to find one who resonates with you.

 

Warning-signThere are some websites on the internet that claim to help you “make it work” with the narcissist, or even to help you “tame” the narcissist. I would exercise extreme caution when visiting these sites. While there may be some great info regarding codependence and changing oneself, there simply is no way to remain in a relationship with a narcissist and maintain a sense of self, much less heal inner wounds that need to be healed in order to recover.