Breaking Trauma Bonds

How to emotionally break free from an unhealthy abusive relationship?

When one is truly facing reality that a relationship is abusive and not merely trying to figure out how to get the abuser back, the action plan in this book can help to guide you through breaking “trauma bonds” which link you to your abuser.

Below is an excerpt from the book that discusses trauma bonds.

The Case for Traumatic Bonding: The Betrayal Bond

by Dr. Patrick Carnes

About Trauma Bonding:

These people are all struggling with traumatic bonds. Those standing outside see the obvious. All these relationships are about some insane loyalty or attachment. They share exploitation, fear, and danger. They also have elements of kindness, nobility and righteousness. These are all people who stay involved or wish to stay involved with people who betray them. Emotional pain, severe consequences and even the prospect of death do not stop their caring or commitment. Clinicians call this “traumatic bonding.” This means that the victims have a certain dysfunctional attachment that occurs in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation. There often is seduction, deception or betrayal. There is always some form of danger or risk.

Some relationships are traumatic. Take, for example, the conflictual ties in movies like The War of the Roses or Fatal Attraction. What Lucy does to Charlie Brown (in the comic strip, Peanuts) every year when she holds the football for him to kick is a betrayal we have grown to expect. Abuse cycles such as those found in domestic violence are built around trauma bonds. So are the misplaced loyalties found in exploitive cults, incest families, or hostage and kidnapping situations. Codependents who live with alcoholics, compulsive gamblers, or sex addicts, and who will not leave no matter what their partners do, may have suffered enough to have a traumatic bond.

Here are the signs that trauma bonds exist in your life:

When you obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.)

When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain.

When you go “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you.

When you continue to be a “team” member when obviously things are becoming destructive.

When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.

When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.

When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.

When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.

When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.

When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.

When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.

When you are attached to untrustworthy people.

When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.

When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.

About co-dependency:

“Parallels do exist between trauma bonding and codependency because to live with an active addict is often traumatic. For the most part, the addiction field has not incorporated all the trauma research that documents how people grow closer to their abusers in the face of trauma. Yet it is clear that many codependents are also trauma-bonded. The converse is also true. The trauma field has not really addressed issues surrounding addiction, let alone codependency. Yet addiction in its many forms is one of the principal solutions used by survivors to cope with their lives. And most trauma-bonded persons, whether as children or adults, are involved with an abuser who has one or more addictions.”

About shame:

An injury to one’s sense of self forges some bonds. The self-injury becomes part of the fabric of the relationship and further disrupts the natural unfolding of the self. When this involves terror of any sort, an emptiness forms at the core of the person and the self becomes inconsolable. No addiction can fill in. No denial of self will restore it. No single gesture will be believable. Only a profound sense of the human community caring for the self can seal up this hole. We call this wound shame.

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I hope that this information is as helpful to you as it has been to me.

Breaking a trauma bond is not “just getting over someone”. It takes work and unfortunately, it is the victim that must do all the work. “Trauma bonds can be disrupted when healthy bonds are available.”

“Finding supportive, healthy relationships is the foundation of recovery.”

Is It Just A Crappy Relationship?

Or are you trauma bonded to your spouse?
10 signs

Bonds between people can be an amazing, wonderful thing. You think of the love bond between happily married people. The maternal bond between mother and child. The friend bond between BFFs. But did you know that bonds can be formed that are every bit as strong but are harmful and toxic?

It’s counterintuitive, but people can develop incredibly deep loyalties to those who are using them, abusing them, and exploiting them. Think of the prostitute who “loves” her pimp. The abused wife who won’t leave her husband. Victims who help or even marry their kidnappers.

The bonds that form between a victim and an abuser are called “trauma bonds” or “betrayal bonds Could you be in a trauma bond with your spouse? Here are 10 signs you might be. (Trauma bonds happen to both men and women.)

1. You think being treated badly is normal. If you tell your friends and family how your husband/wife speaks and behaves toward you, they are concerned for you. Yet you think it’s not THAT bad and you stay, hoping they’ll change.

2. Fighting. You have repetitive fights about the same thing, over and over, and no one ever wins, there’s never any insight. If you do feel that you “got somewhere” with the fight, that’s all wiped out when you have the same fight about the same thing again — probably the next day.

3. You defend your abuser/user.You find yourself complaining to friends, family, or therapists about how your wife/husband is treating you, but then instantly begin to defend him/her or blame yourself, i.e., “Well, if I didn’t nag him so much, he wouldn’t have hit me,” or “If I wasn’t so fat or hairy, she wouldn’t need to cheat.”

4. Loss of free will. Everything in your mind tells you to leave your spouse, but you find yourself unable to make any kind of change. You’re stuck.

5. You’re in love with the fantasy, not the reality. You find yourself incredibly attached to the “storyline” of “how things should go” or “how they should be” despite the fact that the reality of the relationship bears little resemblance to it.

6. “Auuuughhh!!!” You often feel like Charlie Brown, who repeatedly kicks the football that Lucy holds, only to have her pull it out at the last minute. The idea that THIS TIME she won’t pull the football continues to have power despite her always pulling the football and you always landing on your back.

 7. You keep trying to “convert” your spouse into someone who treats you right, “convince” her to behave differently, or “prove” yourself to her. You think if only you can “prove” yourself, everything will be different. You try to get her to “understand” that what she does/says is hurtful to you. If only she would “understand”!

8. You don’t like her. You “love” your spouse, but you don’t like, respect, or even want to be around her.

9. The next generation. Although you can’t leave your spouse and even say you don’t want to, you’d be horrified if your daughter brought home a new boyfriend and declared he was “just like daddy.”

10. Obsession. If you do manage to break away from your spouse, you obsess and long to the point of nostalgia about the horrible relationship you got away from and that almost destroyed you.

Have you ever been in a trauma bond?

See full article here
<a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/162086/10_signs_youre_in_a&quot;

One Man’s Search

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This was a search term on my blog the other day.

Sex with female narcissist, she ridiculed.

My first thought was Wow! Maybe Putz has been searching google again lol. I know it’s happened to him more than a few times. Then I just felt bad for the person searching this.

I know now there are people willing to put up with this kind of abuse for years. Nobody should ever ridicule someone they love. If you choose to stay with a narcissist, female or male, you will be mentally and emotionally abused. That is an absolute certainty.

Narcissists never change except when they act like they have to suck you back in. They are amazingly talented and charismatic actors. Also you are their main supplier of what they need to survive. Attention, adoration, and love gives them narcissistic supply.

They are incapable of real love or empathy, as you have surely witnessed by now. But they will fake it to keep you around. Just like they will put detergent in the washer to make it work, you are just another appliance to them. The best thing to do is let them think they’ve won and get far away from them ASAP. Don’t waste your life on these emotional vampires. They’re not worth losing anymore weeks, months or years with. Please get help from a therapist experienced with narcissistic abuse. Otherwise you’re just wasting time or worse will end up even more addicted to your narcissist spouse/significant other!

Free yourself from the trauma bond with the narcissist. It won’t be easy but it will definitely be worth it.

Always on the Fake

Narcissists are incapable of being real or sincere. Everything they say and do is fake. They are nothing more than empty shells. I cannot imagine a sadder, more pathetic existence can you? This is from the site of a self-proclaimed narcissist. It’s like seeing inside the head of a monster. http://www.narcsite.wordpress.com

 

Source: Always on the Fake

Fakery, fabrication and lies are the bricks and mortar of our existence. They are the bread and butter that enable us to have sustenance. I know that when you look back at the golden period you always struggle to understand that it was not real. You cannot fathom out how something that felt so right, so true and so real could actually be something so false. Our behaviour seemed so genuine. Our declarations of undying love so moving and emotive, how could this be a façade? Yes you thought occasionally that we were a little over the top but you found that endearing. The reason it seemed so genuine is because our performance was so convincing. This performance was of such a high calibre owing to two things.

Ways to Stop Missing our Abuser

Here’s another repost. Cleaning out my closet today. I’m not really sure what I’m going to find lol. Have a great day!

So very true! Sadly, this keeps many people stuck miserable for years.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse

It is hard to let go of the idealized image we had of the abuser. Letting go of the perfect partner we once believed we had, is a process, not a single act of will.

The narcissist or psychopath that seduced you into their lair, got into your mind in a way that normal people never do.

The narcissist is especially gifted at getting into your head and learning many things about you. They learn what your ideal is of the perfect partner.

They are able to transform themselves, cleverly and accurately, into the partner of your deepest dreams. They play their role of this perfect partner until they have you devoted to them.

They create a constant connection with you, that makes you feel like you are an important, desired, part of their lives.

They get your happy chemicals flowing, like dopamine.

The constant contact creates an increased need…

View original post 422 more words

Narcissistic Mothers

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blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–You Are Not Alone

When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you
are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time.
Many daughters don’t realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold
mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that
think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so
devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly
on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful
she is.

Inside the home she is monstrous. Many of the narcissistic
mothers try to annihilate their children mentally and emotionally.
They pit one child against the other.

Others are cold and unexpressive.
They never have a moment to speak to their daughter. They are always
busy, rushing to work, spending evenings completely out of touch with
their children. Some daughters idealize their mother as a way of
surviving and keeping themselves protected from the truth of her nature.
When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are always in conflict with her. They make efforts to stand up for themselves. But there is the
narcissistic mother’s revenge. These daughters then become a constant
target of scorn, recriminations and threats. Mother promises that she
will help her daughter go to college and at the last moment she pulls
out, saying that she simply can’t afford it. This is an all out lie. She
has gotten her revenge. One of the reasons for the narcissistic
mother’s horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is
exceedingly jealous of her daughter. Often she picks one daughter whom
she targets for the worst abuse. I have known these daughters and they
have weathered horrible abuse–daily intimidations and humiliations. She
constantly undermines this daughter, telling her that she is ugly, that
she smells, that no one is really her friend, that they are pretending
to like her, that no one will ever want to marry her, that she is not
bright enough to go to college, that she has no talents and on and
on—endlessly undermining this child.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers that say: “enough” and leave their households
early. This is very difficult but they find other family members who can
be of some assistance. Sometimes families of their friends provide them
with support. And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.
They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves
and become independent.

 Whatever stage of dealing with your narcissistic mother you are in, I congratulate your courage and fortitude. You know the truth. You are a fine human being. Your mother
is a severe personality disorder. You have prevailed. You are free. Fly and glide like the Monarch butterflies who complete their migration over three generations and thousands of miles–so beautiful so determined, so wonderful.

lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Addicted to Love? It’s Actually Your Brain, Not You!

love is a drug

I knew it had to be something more than just heartbreak. It has NEVER taken me as long to get over a relationship as it took this past year. I’m passionate and loving but I’ve never felt anything as strong as this for as long as I did.  I missed him like I have never missed anyone in my whole life, except my Mom.

I can only surmise that because of his actions, he created a fear of abandonment in a woman who had absolutely NO history of that type of issue in her previous 39 years on this earth. And it has been proven that a fear of abandonment can lead to love addiction. 

It actually really helps knowing there is an explanation for the severe compulsion and unhealthy need I had to contact him so long after he had proven how little I actually mattered to him. The truth is I was conditioned because of certain events that occurred during the almost 2 years we were together.

Thankfully those days are now behind me (although not far enough behind me as I would like lol). There’s no more compulsion and I am finally free. 

  • By KI MAE HEUSSNER

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/addicted-love-brain/story?id=11110866

You might as well face it. According to a new study, you really can be addicted to love.

From looking at the brain scans of the broken-hearted, researchers found that recovering from a break-up is like a kicking an addiction to a drug.

“Romantic love is an addiction,” said Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of the study. “My guess is that our modern addictions — nicotine, drugs, sex, gambling — are simply hijacking this ancient brain pathway that evolved millions of years ago, that evolved for romantic love. … The brain system evolved to focus your energy on an individual and start the mating process.”

Fisher, who has long examined the evolutionary underpinnings of love, sex and relationships, said that she previously studied the happily-in-love. But she said this recent study on the just-jilted and dejected is the most important one she’ll ever do.

“Nobody gets out of love alive,” Fisher said. “You turn into a menace or a pest when you’ve been rejected. That’s when people stalk or commit suicide. … There’s a very powerful brain system that has a dramatic effect on your entire life.”

Love, Like a Drug, Can Make a Person Obsess, Crave

“Our poets, our songs, our novels, our sitcoms, our operas, our plays, have been discussing it forever and now we can confirm it with what we found in the brain,” she said.

To test her love-as-an-addiction hypothesis, Fisher recruited 15 college-age, heterosexual men and women still raw and reeling from a recent break-up. On average, the participants had been rejected about two months prior to the study and said they were still in love.

As the participants looked at images of their ex lovers, the researchers looked at images of the participants’ brains.

The parts of the brain that lit up were the same ones associated with cocaine and nicotine addiction, physical pain and distress and attachment, Fisher said.

“You just crave this person. You’re willing to do crazy things, stupid things,” she said. Just as a person would while fighting a drug addiction, she said, a lovelorn person obsesses, craves and distorts reality.

Study Could Help Love Addicts

And the implications for treatment could be profound.

“I think this helps in what to do about it. If it really is an addiction, you have to treat it as an addiction,” she said. For example, when it comes to trying to stay friends for exchange letters and e-mails, she asid just say no.”It’s like trying to give up cigarettes and having one every afternoon. It’s just not going to happen,” she said.

While psychologists have long helped clients cope with obsessions with love and relationships, some say the backing of science could further help those seeking treatment for the condition.

“As soon as there’s a label, that’s a big reason people feel better, they blame themselves less,” said Dr. Judy Kuriansky, a New York psychologist and author of “The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating.” “As soon as you can say this is a chemical reaction in the brain, then they’re less likely to stay in bed longer, to berate themselves, to put the cover over … because there is an explanation.”

Information Could Be Abused

Still, she said, there are also potential downsides.

“The danger I think is that people don’t take responsibility,” she said. “Let me blame the chemical in my brain and not take responsibility for the fact that I can’t cope … and take responsibility by examining your own participation and defining what your choices are.”

The identification of a physical cause could also mean that people seek physical answers, she said, for example, in the form of pop-able pills.

“So it could be used very effectively or it could be abused,” she said. “But in general, for most people it can be very helpful because they can say, ‘I have this problem. I can get over it. I know it will pass.”

Susan Peabody, love addiction counselor, author of “Addiction to Love” and co-founder of Love Addicts Anonymous, said Fisher’s study is among the most groundbreaking studies on the chemistry of love.

Long known to experts in the self-help field, love produces mind-altering chemicals to which we can become addicted.

“This study legitimizes what we already know,” she said. “How does this help us love addicts? For one, it reduces the shame we have for being a love addict because it makes love addiction a legitimate form of mental illness like all addictions.”

Love Heals All Wounds, Even Science Says So

While the information doesn’t yet make love addiction more treatable, she said it moves the field closer to medical treatment.

In the meantime, Fisher said her study gives scientific support to one more time-tested adage: as time goes on, the pain fades away.

“Time does heal,” she said, explaining that as more time passed, activity in the parts of the brain associated with attachment and addiction decreased. “People have always said time heals and we’ve proven it.”

Trauma Bonding- Is it Love or Something Else?

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans

When you connected with your narcissist, did you feel like finally you had met true love? Was the connection so intense and powerful that you believed your love was truly meant to be for ever, regardless of the pain you experienced?

This article explains how this incredible connection occurs and why the bond of love feels so compelling…

When we first became attached to the narcissist, we had the deep and powerful inner belief that this relationship was ‘the one’ – it felt so real and so true to us. It felt astoundingly ‘right’. We thought we had hit the jackpot.

Over time the cracks started appearing, yet we still experienced the glorious times (even if they became less and less) of this ‘delightful person’ who we wanted to believe was the partner of our dreams.

Of course we had to employ all sorts of psychological defences to protect this belief.

We were all conditioned to believe that powerful and all consuming feelings, and the ‘not being able to stop thinking about someone’ and ‘feeling an intense attachment’ must mean love.

We were taught very little about real love – as a safe, supportive, calm, regenerating and trustworthy entity. And we didn’t realise that true and real love necessitates a deep knowing that you are the other half of a safe, supportive and genuine ‘team’.

Narcissistic relationships, in all reality, do not and cannot fit into a healthy description of ‘love’.

Maybe we never knew what ‘safe’, ‘respectful’ ‘reliable’ love was.

Maybe it seemed unrealistic, too hard to achieve, or maybe even boring….

Maybe we have only ever know feelings of fear, deprivation, unease, persecution, anxiety and then the glorious highs that DO come when agony is temporarily relieved with the feelings of ‘Thank God he does get it’, ‘He really does love me” and ‘Now the pain will stop’.

But of course these feelings of euphoric relief and release never lasted. They were simply the reprieve between the hills of the terrorising roller coaster.

Maybe we never realised that when we really ‘fell in love’ with the narcissist, something much more sinister was engendering our powerful feelings of love and attachment.

It seems ludicrous and insane to believe that someone treating you poorly could make you want them, love them, and attach you so powerfully….

…but it is OH so true…

Let’s find out WHY…

Trauma Bonding – Number 1 – Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome has been widely documented, and proven to be a very real deal. The conditions of narcissistic abuse are ripe to create this phenomenon.

Firstly the victim feels that they cannot escape the relationship, this is for the reasons of not wanting to shatter the glorious dream of ‘what this relationship is meant to be’, the loss of lifestyle, finances, security, children’s well being etc., or because of the very real threat of how disastrous life may become when trying to leave and inciting a narcissistic injury within the narcissist, which inevitably brings revenge and destruction.

Therefore, automatically the roles have become prisoner and persecutor. The prisoner’s well being depends heavily on how the persecutor is treating her or him on a daily basis. The prisoner knows that there is a very real threat of cruelty and pain being inflicted by the narcissist, and therefore will try to minimize the torture, by firstly focusing a great deal of attention on ‘the enemy’, and then trying to find a heartfelt connection with the narcissist to procure nicer treatment.

The narcissistic becomes the deliverer of good or bad treatment, and when good treatment comes, there is so much hope and relief that the pain is going to end that the victim focuses on the good times, and ‘conveniently’ numbs out the bad times – even dismissing them.

The good times are so much about relief, and I can breathe again, and the danger is over for now – that they feel like intense joy, love and appreciation.

Victims who suffer Stockholm syndrome within narcissistic abuse are significantly detached from the real world around them, and are instead enmeshed in the narcissist’s demand, emotions and tormented world.

This often happens as a result of self isolation preferred by the victim, regarding loss of self-esteem, deep inner shame, and the not wishing to confront the outer world which is full of questions regarding the victim’s apparent reclusive behaviour and disconnection from previous interests, friends and family – as well as, of course, the narcissist’s wrath for having any interests that don’t pertain to the narcissist.

Stockholm syndrome feels like ‘love’, as it is a deep attachment to another person for emotional and literal survival.

No different to a child trying to instinctively cling to, grant attention to, love and inspire kindness and security from an abusive parent.

Trauma Bonding – Number 2 – Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance occurs when there is tension created as a result of two opposing thoughts. A simple real life example is the thoughts ‘I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight.’

In order for a person to be able to comfortably accept their choice without anxious feelings of having made the wrong decision (the lingering of inner shame) –a justification for the choice has to be created. Such as ‘It’s totally okay to honour myself, and not meet up tonight – I owe it to myself to relax. If I’m okay with that they will be too.’

In the case of narcissistic abuse, the thoughts of ‘This is abusive and unbearable and I need to get out of this relationship, are in total contrast with ‘I have to stay and make this work.’

In order to ease the inner anxiety of having made the wrong choice, justifications have to be fabricated to offset the inner knowing of horrific abuse.

These justifications are ‘stories’ such as ‘I know she loves me, and she’s doing her best – it’s just that she had a horrible childhood’, or ‘I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through’, or worse still ‘He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him like this’, or ‘If I love him enough, I know I can heal him’ or ‘I’m the only person that understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have.’

In order to rectify the cognitive dissonance of narcissistic abuse, huge over compensations of reasons to stay have to be created in order to offset the deep inner shame of accepting and enduring abuse.

These justifications have to be powerful enough to seem real to the victim, and they serve to create even greater feelings or attachment, devotion and love.

Trauma Bonding – Number 3 – Repetitive Compulsion Disorder

I have written before about this very real phenomenon in my eBooks, and it is definitely worth mentioning again as one of the key elements of trauma bonding.

Narcissists are unpredictable in nature. The dealing out of random and conflicting abuse and support creates heightened anxiety and addictive state within their victims.

The example I like to use to explain this disorder is what happens to lab rats when they have a button, which releases food pellets, that is set on ‘random’. Normally the rat knows how many times to push the button to receive his meal, and is very content with that.

However, when the button becomes unpredictable and unstable the rat goes into a frenzy pushing the button until the floor of the cage is littered with pellets. He is more interested in staying ‘hooked on’ pushing the button than attending to his own self care.

The rat is addicted to pushing the button (trying to get it to act predictably), just as a gambler is hooked to a poker machine, and just as a narcissistic abuse victim is hooked on trying to gain stable, sane, and safe behaviour from the narcissist.

When life is ‘dangerous’ with any hope of ‘relief’, our psychological and emotional survival wiring compels us to hang on, and put all our energy into finding relief from the danger. Manic fear and pain reigns until the euphoric relief of the situation presents.

If the button was re-set to a standard number of pushes the rat relaxes again, yet if the button was taken out of the cage, the rat would suffer survival panic.

If the addicted gambler wins a jackpot, she experiences temporary relief that she has won back her money lost, yet if she is removed from the poker machine before winning, she will find a way to get back to a machine as soon as possible.

If the narcissist attends to your needs, apologises and acts like he or she has reformed, you feel incredible relief and that you have been removed from the war-zone. Yet, when the narcissist leaves the scene and is no longer reassuring you, you suffer severe separation anxiety that can feel akin to a heroin addict deprived of the next fix.

Repetitive compulsion disorder creates intense addiction anxiety, which can only momentarily be relieved by ‘jackpots’, but never takes long for the anxiety to reach an intense peak again – and of course when we don’t know better, we think these feelings of I can’t live without you and I can’t think about anything but you are ‘love’.

Trauma Bonding – Number 4 – Peptide Addiction

With all of the survival fears, powerlessness and anxieties taking place, a great deal of neuro- peptides, resulting from your disturbed, fearful and unstable thoughts, are manufactured in your hypothalamus (chemical manufacturing plant of our brain) and are distributed into your blood stream and received by the cells of your body.

Our cells get addicted to the peptides they receive powerful doses of, and then physiologically we get addicted to getting more of these peptides, which the narcissist triggers within us regularly.

This creates feelings of I need his attention, I need his validation, I need his approval, I need his support, I need his love, I need him to provide me with some RELIEF and eventually just like a drug addict licking the crumbs off the lounge room rug, we will try to get any amount of the narcissist’s energy regardless of how damaging and soul destroying it is.

What we don’t realise, in our obsessive quest for relief, that it is the pain and intensity of the dramatic highs and lows that the cells of our body have become addicted to.

We have become a helpless addict, and our drug dealer is the narcissist. He or she is dispensing  regularly our body cells’ drug of choice – narcissistic abuse.

The thought of breaking away from the narcissist of course, at this level, feels unthinkable, and impossible to do.

And of course, we mistake it for ‘love’.

Trauma Bonding – Number 5 – Infantile Regression

In times of intense trauma it is common to regress back to your most instinctual learnt behaviour in order to try to survive. This is the clinging of a child to the ‘parent’ you believe is powerful and able to provide some sort of relief to the trauma at hand.

What happens when the closest person that you perceive as a source of support happens to be a cruel and abusive narcissist? The answer is ‘No difference’, because you have already formed powerful attachment and addiction bonds that want to create this person as your saviour.

By reading all the prior information on this blog – now you can understand why.

Infantile regression is powerful, unconscious and a primitive survival program that operates at the very core of your being. Your maturity and self-reliability goes out the window, and is replaced by utter childlike helplessness.

In this state you believe that you will literally die if you do not agree with the narcissist, take the blame, do anything to keep the peace, and grant everything the narcissist wants in the primitive hope that the onslaughts will stop and you will be allowed by the narcissist to avoid complete emotional annihilation.

Your rights are completely withdrawn by yourself and numbed out in your need for survival.

The perverse twist to this is that you have now surrendered your soul to the narcissist and idolised this person as ‘Your God’, who has the ultimate power to dictate your fate.

Then when the narcissist ‘allows’ you to exist again, your idolisation becomes the pathological survival belief: This person is the Creator of my world.

What greater illusion of ‘love’ could there ever be?

The truth about love that you need to travel towards is:

I am the creator of my world, and I am never reliant on any specific person being that creator for me.

When I am my own creator, I will reject what is not good to me, and add into my experience more of who I already am.

In order to do this your focus has to come off the narcissist, and on to yourself so that you may heal from the illusions.

– See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else

Letting Go of Toxic Relationships-Part 2

ocd

http://relationshipfree.com/all-about-toxic-relationships-and-how-to-let-go/

By Sarah Webb

So how do you move on?

1. Be honest with yourself
Allow yourself to be entirely disgusted with this person for treating you the way they have. Cry – trust me, you will cry A LOT! Don’t blame yourself – you’ve been through enough pain now and you’re probably feeling quite exhausted. Tell yourself that you’re leaving for your own wellbeing – in order to truly love yourself, realise that self-preservation means severing these ties.

2. Prepare to become super-human
You won’t eat, you won’t sleep, you may take time off work to deal with things, you’ll cry yourself into a world of dehydration. There’s nothing you can do about any of this except ride it out until it’s over with.

3. If you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about it
Stop contacting them COMPLETELY. Cut them off. Do not enable them to contact you again. Block them out of your life completely. Do whatever you have to do. I know I shouldn’t encourage you to fight fire with fire, but sometimes, particularly when we’re hurting, if you do it respectfully it can bring us a sense of power. So, if you can’t be blunt to them about it or you’re having trouble ending it, then turn it around and push it until you have manipulated them into saying it. If they’re toxic and intentionally hurting you, trust me, it won’t take long until they make the threat – and then go with it, stick with it and don’t look back. Hit that accelerator and go go go!

4. DO NOT worry about their feelings
Toxic people don’t have feelings! Well … they do, but as far as you’re concerned from now, they don’t! Consider them narcissists, which means they don’t have feelings, but they will pretend they do, if that helps. Think about how long they’ve overlooked your feelings. So, trust me – just tell yourself they don’t! Why? Because it’s when we consider their feelings that we continue our self-doubt and we start to go back. If you find yourself with any level of concern for someone who is hurting you, stop yourself right there and tell yourself that you deserve better than your current circumstances. Trust the universe to lead you to a better reality – it may mean sitting with the pain for some time, but it will be worth it. Anything is better than going back and suffering at the hands of the toxic relationship again. In fact, I read a quote recently that said: “Sometimes giving a person a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time” … what about once you have given them a hundred chances? Trust me, if you haven’t made this mistake yourself, it makes you feel as though you handed them a machine gun and it’s not worth it!

5. Don’t try to replace the person
They say the fastest way over someone is to find someone new. This is not the case when you’re recovering from a toxic relationship. When you’re recovering from a toxic relationship, unfortunately you are exceptionally vulnerable, more than if you’re just recovering from a standard relationship break up. The chances that you will entice another toxic person into your life are extremely high. Don’t go with it. Take comfort in knowing that if this person has left you for someone else, the chances that they are truly happy or will be happy long-term are exceptionally slim. And you would have left them anyway because the relationship was toxic … so don’t worry!

6. Struggling? Read about it
Spend some time reading about other people’s experiences and advice about leaving a toxic relationship – it will strengthen you. I found the Between Dreams blog written by the gorgeous Allie, and I have to say: it’s absolutely FANTASTIC! If you’re leaving a toxic relationship, you will certainly identify with the things she says, here’s an excerpt from it:

“You want the real, uncensored truth? Because for me, letting go of people is hard. I fight for the people I care about, I want the best for them, and I want to be that person who stuck it out for the long hard battle. Because how can you just give up on the years you’ve known each other? The time invested into that very relationship? The idea of giving up just doesn’t enter my mind.
Then one day, you wake up. You see how unhappy you are. You now see the trance of negativity that’s been placed around you. You begin to wonder which way to turn…
You can write out your feelings, you can list out the pros and cons, justify whatever it is in your mind, give them one more chance, but all it takes it one thought to change everything. For me, it was this:
“Fuck this. I want a life filled with happiness, love, and compassion. And you know what? I deserve it. It’s mine for the taking, so why am I holding myself back?”

Hopefully, even after reading this small passage by Allie – you are starting to feel less alone, more empowered and find comfort in the idea of moving forward.

7. Accept that your time was wasted and the relationship wasn’t real
Realise, no matter what they said, the relationship was not real. If it was, you would have known all the circumstances (including if they cheated, when and who it was with) and been able to have made an informed decision. If it was real and you had recognised that it was toxic for you… well there’s no way any rational person would be in it in the first place. So the person can say what they like, but the entire relationship was fake.

8. Use visualisation techniques
Visualise yourself collecting all the beautiful things you said to this person, all the good times, all the money you spent, the time you invested … and rip it off them! It’s like snatching back everything they have taken from you. Now that you’ve got all these emotions and beautiful words you said to them back and they’re clear of the toxic person, put it straight back on yourself. You deserve all the good you put into the relationship – they do not. So using visualisation you’re collecting all the good stuff back from the relationship (everything that’s yours and nothing they ever deserved), packing up all your hard efforts, boxing every sweet word and good deed you did, and then dumping it right back on yourself. Guess what they have now? Nothing! Empowering, huh?

9. Communicate with them using only visualisation techniques
Use visualisation to scream at the person: “You’re delusional! Everything was FAKE! I could never love you because I never knew you!” It may sound crazy but it’s quite cathartic! Everything you want to do to them or say to them do it in your mind. Play it all out and be done with it. It beats any consequences from actually becoming self-destructive.

10. Detox yourself as much as possible
Be strong! This is where hitting SHIFT DELETE (hard erasing on your computer, beyond any point of return) on your keyboard is your best friend. Go to any photo, any letter, any memory of that person. Select. SHIFT DELETE. Delete their phone number. Delete their email. Lose their address. Rip up every hard-copy photo. Bag up everything you want to return to them and be done with it. Go on a massive, deleting, destructive mission. By the end of it you will feel as though the relationship is just … ERASED! Don’t get me wrong: you won’t feel good, you won’t feel satisfied, you won’t get your smile back for a very, very long time … but it’s less painful stuff to look at and remember.

11. Lean on people around you for support
Make a pact with someone you really trust and love, that you will not be in touch with this person again. This means, while you’re vulnerable, you’ll be able to rely on the strength of others.

12. Quit asking yourself why and trying to figure out what was real
You’ve been stripped of your dignity, you’re hurting to capacity and now you’re finding yourself torturing yourself with a million questions: WHY WHY WHY! These questions are better left unanswered – and sometimes they don’t even come with answers – so instead of asking, accept the situation for what it is.

Don’t try to work out what was real because I can tell you now: it was all fake! If you had known the circumstances – would you really have been with that person in the way you were? Don’t give the toxic person the satisfaction of thinking it would be real had you have known the real scenario. Deep down they know it wasn’t real as well, otherwise they would have come clean about any deceit at the start.

If you are going to ask questions, ask them of yourself as a way of moving forward – this will empower you. Kris Carr wrote a really good blog about “How to identify and release toxic relationships”. Some of the questions you should be asking yourself to realise you were in a toxic relationship and start accepting the situation, come from her blog:
– Is the pain too great to stay the same?
– Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
– Is it impossible to make boundaries?
– Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
– Does the relationship take more energy than it gives?
– Is blaming and complaining (coming from the toxic person) becoming really boring?
– Am I completely fatigued when I’m with that person and energetic when they’re gone?
– Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
– Does the person make you feel as though you’ll be lost without them?
– Do I miss the old me?

I’ve walked away – now what?
Unfortunately there is no way to fast-track your way through dealing with the pain. There’s no potion to take it all away. Take every positive distraction possible. See a good life coach, psychotherapist or psychologist (preferably who specialises in relationships and domestic violence) if you need to. Chat to people – you’ll be surprised about how much support you receive. You need to sit with this incredible feeling of loneliness – it’s hurtful if they’ve left for someone else because your thoughts tell you they’re cosy, warm and feeling loved, while you’re left out in the cold – but don’t forget the truth: long-term, this relationship will not last either – and if it does, it’ll never be the same. There will always be discomfort, pain and mistrust. Consider your situation the lucky escape – well done, you’ve dodged a bullet!

Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Addiction to Bonding with Our Abusers

This addiction is what I had the most trouble really getting. It is such a HUGE part of why people stay in bad marriages and relationships for years. I never understood the biology behind it. It is real and it does make victims of narcissistic abuse bond so closely to the person responsible for their suffering. The wife or husband treating them like crap and ignoring their needs over and over again. This is why they make excuses, stay stuck in denial, remain trapped hoping the narcissist isn’t lying this time and will change (AIN’T A SHOT IN HELL OF THAT HAPPENING). Good, loving parents even allow their children to suffer the narcissist’s abuse as a result of their addiction. It’s what they feel comfortable with and being without it is very scary and hard to deal with.

Please know that you can and will be happy again. But the first step is to face the truth. No more denial. Only then can you start to break free. Go where the love is!

Self-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

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Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist: The Addiction to Bonding with our Abusers

by Shahida Arabi

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse are confounded by the addiction they feel to the narcissist, long after the abusive relationship took a toll on their physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Make no mistake: recovery from an abusive relationship can be very similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical bonds we may develop with our toxic ex-partners.

Understanding why we are addicted permits us recognize that our addiction is not about the merits of the narcissist, but rather the nature and severity of the trauma we’ve experienced. It enables us to detach and move forward with powerful knowledge that can propel us towards greater agency and healthier relationships than the ones we’ve experienced in the past. In addition, it challenges the victim-blaming discourse in society that prevents many abuse survivors from gaining…

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Giving Up The Need For Closure

By Zari Ballard

For a victim to recover from narcissist abuse, he or she must be ready and willing to give up the need for closure because it is never going to happen. When we receive the inevitable Discard (after an eternity of being Devalued), it is often our longing for closure that keeps us hanging on and incapable of moving forward.

As a victim, we become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that we’re willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that we think we want. But the ending never comes. For everything we did for the narcissist and for all the tears we cried, we’re left with nothing. For all the months and years that we wasted, we naturally (and rightfully!) want some type of closure (no matter what it is) we’ll even make ourselves crazier than we already are trying to devise a way to make it happen!

That’s right – closure! It’s spelled C-L-O-S-U-R-E, damn it! And by God, I’m going to stay in my miserable relationship, letting that narcissist treat me like shit until I get it! Yeah, that’s right…what do you ya think about that!! Oh, you’ll see… I’ll hang in there ’till I’m nothing and she destroys me. I’ll stay in this fucked up mess as long as it takes to get the closure that I want…you can count on that!

Oh yes…victims of narcissistic abuse can be as stubborn as the N when it comes to getting what they want. Unfortunately, there’s exists a very huge problem. Victims conveniently forget that the narcissist likes it when we suffer. In fact, our suffering is the most important part of the narcissist’s relationship agenda. Therefore, giving us closure so that we feel all warm and fuzzy as she walks away is not going to be an option – ever.

What? You don’t care about my closure?? Oh yeah, well…well, go ahead and don’t care! See if I care that you don’t care about caring about me who cares about you! We’ll see who doesn’t care! I want my closure and you’re gonna give it to me if it’s the last thing you do…I’ll hang in there till the bitter end!

The more we whine and cry about not being given a proper good-by, the more the N pushes the envelope. She simply doesn’t care about ever making us happy and she’ll always get the last word (even if that means she leaves without saying any words at all!). As we know, the narcissist is the only human on earth who can make a silent treatment sound like all hell breaking loose. Her entire life is a show of smoke and mirrors and she can play the Pretender to five targets at once if she has to.  All the letters, all the tears, all the begging and pleading……if it hasn’t worked up until this point, what the hell are we thinking?? It’s time to let go of the narcissist and walk away. It’s time to realize that we really don’t know what the word closure even means. I believe that, when it ends…when we receive the final discard…the only closure that we really want involves the narcissist hoovering her way back…and if that’s not going to happen, then the closure we want involves some bad-ass, fucking revenge!

I want my closure!! Give me my closure! You can’t leave me without closure! How can you do that? I hate you! I love you! Don’t leave me…no, go ahead and go…see if I care…I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, cheat on me all you want, see if I care…when you get done, I’ll be right here waiting for my closure….because it’s coming..oh yeah, it’s coming..and you’re gonna give it to me…aren’t you? Don’t you love me? Hey, don’t turn your back on me…I haven’t got my closure yet…When I get  my closure, I can rest in peace. But then I’ll be sad. Hey, are you listening to me???

(the scene fades to black…and then repeats itself…again and again and again)

You will make yourself crazy pretending to seek a closure that truly doesn’t exist. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. When we’re involved with a narcissistic partner, the fact that we feel this horrible void at the point of break-up is very deliberate. The narcissist manages down our relationship expectations so low that we’d rather suffer in the emptiness and wait for her return than accept the fact that she only returns to ensure our unhappiness.

The time is now to find your way out of the rabbit hole and giving up closure is the first and most important step in the journey back.

Stay strong!!!

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

narc figment

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

By Andrea Schneider, LCSW

http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/andrea-schneider-20100917

Narcissism is defined as: excessive sense of self-importance over and above the needs of others; grandiosity; arrogance; absence of ability to empathize and experience reciprocity in relationships; intense need for admiration/attention to fill very low self-esteem; impaired relationships resulting in parasitic/predatory behaviors designed to fill one’s self-esteem in the form of narcissistic supply (DSM-IV).

One could wonder, then, how someone would find such an individual, someone who embodies these characteristics, attractive. Well, studies show that people with narcissism market themselves in attractive, deceptive packages. They may present with a swagger, intense eye contact, false bravado/charm, knock-your-socks-off seduction (often learned by neurolinguistic programming (NLP), swift pacing of rushing the relationship into commitment/marriage/promising a future together (which is later discovered to be a lie), intense sexual chemistry, love-bombing or romancing the target excessively (flowers, etc). There is usually always the promise of mind blowing sex, but it rarely if ever materializes. Sex is a weapon to manipulate and control, not to share intimacy or love.

People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity (Brown, 2013), and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive (including negative attention). These individuals feel a sense of challenge in targeting highly successful, attractive individuals who may already be in other relationships and/or who express a sense of vulnerability (i.e. having grief or depression, or recently getting out of a relationship).

The literature on malignant narcissism is extensive, yet many are not informed about the dangers of being involved with someone whose character or actions tend toward narcissism. I find that clients who were entangled in relationships with such individuals have more healing to do from breaks in these relationships than if they had been in relationships with healthy individuals, because often these clients are manifesting symptoms of posttraumatic stress.

Not only are they grieving the loss of the relationship, but they are also processing the unreality of a “fake relationship.” Furthermore, often psychological abuse (and emotional and sexual abuse) has permeated the relationship. In order to heal, psychotherapy must focus on grief work and trauma recovery, in addition to understanding the elements of the toxic relationship, so that patterns are not repeated in the future.

Once the initial honeymoon wears off, partners of people with narcissistic traits go from feeling high on a pedestal (much like being on cocaine) to feeling devalued, discarded, and figuratively knocked off the pedestal. Their partners have successfully seduced and hooked them into relationships.

But suddenly, the individual with narcissism begins to reveal traits of lying, future-faking, and Dr. Jekyll /Ms. Hyde Personality. She or he may vanish for hours or days on end, or gaslight (confuses the reality of) a partner. This person becomes emotionally abusive and detaches from the partner, extracting narcissistic supply in the process.

The partner, then, is  ignored, dropped or discarded, coming to a sudden and shocking realization.  The Narcissist is simply not capable of true intimacy/love, and really exhibits a limited capacity for emotional connectedness/bonding. The Narcissist is now a mere fantasy, because she or he acted through mind control and brainwashing (Brown, 2013).

The Most Devastating Tactic in the Narcissist’s Tool Kit

A very honest depiction of life on the narcissist’s rollercoaster! From thenarcissistswife.com

Source: The Most Devastating Tactic in the Narcissist’s Tool Kit

On a daily basis, the narcissist provides his victim with endless opportunities for misery, pain, and frustration. From petty defiance and his refusal to meet the basic human needs of his spouse, to blaming his every failure on her and projecting all his garbage onto her… the crazy-making circus of the narcissist is in full swing.

This destructive, not to mention toxic, pattern of behavior makes for endless days of wishing you could simply sprout wings and fly away, or possibly just be lucky enough to slip into some kind of coma, where this never-ending, insufferable bullshit just doesn’t exist. But, alas, these daydreams never come true so, you’re left to deal with the daily onslaught of despair-inducing tactics completely conscious. Bummer.

The one upside is that, after a while, you come to expect the daily misery. Anger, resentment, and depression are absolutely normal for the staus quo. It becomes “just the way life is”. Nothing less. Nothing more. Until… you start to get fed up. Your survival instinct kicks in, and your emotional brain starts to shut down in defense against the constant pain of rejection and disregard. You withdraw from the narcissist. You stop giving him the almighty supply that he needs to survive and, of course, this makes him take notice.

While the narcissist lacks empathy, he does possess a skill called “cold empathy”. This is the ability to read the subtle, nonverbal,  emotional cues of others  of the people around you (like empathy) but, instead of processing the information received in order to establish or maintain a connection with the person you are ‘reading’, the narcissist can only see the emotional cues of others as it relates himself. This ‘cold empathy’ helps the narcissist to determine which of his nasty tactics. he ought to be using in any given situation, to try and exert the greatest amount of control.

His cold empathy skill alerts the narcissist to the fact that you’re fed up and shut down, long before you’ve even realized for sure that that is, in fact, what’s going on with you, and he unconsciously acknowledges that drastic measures will have to be taken before he loses his life-giving supply. And so… something strange begins to happen.

You notice that the narcissist is acting – well…nice. He tells a joke, and you laugh with him. He says something insensitive but, before you can even open your mouth to protest, he is sincerely apologizing for his thoughtless comment, and are you ok?  You’re taken aback. Where did THAT comes from?, you wonder. You’re immediately suspicious…as you well should be…but his kindness and new-found sensitivity persist throughout the day.

Something inside of you softens a bit.

If you knew better, you’d run while you still had life in you to do so… but you don’t know any better, so you climb into bed at the end of the day, and instinctively reach for your mate. He wraps you up in his arm and caresses your back, and your shoulders, and your face. You sigh and close your eyes. A small smile playing on your lips. He whispers in your ear, “I’m so sorry…for everything. You’re safe now. I love you.”

For the first time, in you can’t even remember how long, you really, truly, DO  feel safe…

Oh…you poor thing. How I wish I could spare you what is about to come.

The next day, or so, is a whirlwind of love and kindness and romantic moments. You can’t remember ever being this happy before. The narcissist has transformed into the soul mate you’ve longed for your whole life. It seems as though your dreams have all come true, and you’re floating through your days in a heady bliss.

But then, the dark clouds start to gather above, and the narcissist’s facade slips. An insensitive remark, but this time no apology- no understanding. Little by little, over the course of the third day, the narcissist’s loving mask is completely torn away, and you’re face to face with the same malicious, spiteful, and petty man you know all too well.

Your heart splinters, and shatters inside your chest. The pain so acute, you’re sure you’ve possibly collapsed a lung, or are having a heart attack. Every last bit of joy and light is sucked from the world and you’re plunged into a dark void unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. You reach out to the narcissist- show him the tears he’s caused you to cry- but he just turns his back, indifferent to your anguish, and walks away.

There is nothing left for you to do but scream in utter despair. Why? How could he do such a thing? How could anyone play such a cruel trick on another human being? Is he evil?

You try to get angry… you want to rage against the narcissist’s foul trick- just pack your bags and get the hell out. But you’re feeling too hopeless. Trapped. Lifeless.

What’s the point? Everything you loved and held dear was gone now…never even existed in the first place. Why even bother doing anything? And as you resign yourself to life in the dark, by the side of your narcissist, he realizes that his plan was a success. You won’t be leaving him anytime soon. Not as beaten down as you are now.

You’re not going anywhere… you’ll stay right where you are and continue to feed the narcissist his supply, like a good little girl.

In the back of your mind you wonder what the hell happened to you? How did things get this bad? And the answer is…

You’ve been love-bombed.

“Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Narc Kool Aid Here!”

Source: “Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Narc Kool Aid Here!”

Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Narc Kool Aid Here!”

“Kool Aid! Kool Aid! Get Your Kool Aid Here!”

get your kool aid here

Narcissists are ALWAYS HYPING AND SELLING the narc kool aid. Not a breath is ‘wasted’ on other things, like OTHER PEOPLE or events in life…no the narcissist is a living breathing walking PR campaign and self advertisement about just how, well…..”GREAT THEY ARE”.

We thinks thou doth protest just a bit TOO MUCH, narcissist.

Think about this from a normal person’s standpoint for a moment. Do you sell yourself everyday? Do you try to get people to like you? Agree with you? Go to bat for you? Fight your battles? Do you try to convince people that you’re nice? A christian? Loving? A good friend? Or best wife/husband around?

It’s actually exhausting just thinking about living this way. Imagine feeling that you have to be ON 24/7 just to feel “ok”. As a (low maintenance) female, Im lucky if I actually wear makeup once a month.

When our time is spent LIVING life, focusing on happiness and joy, and experiencing connection and contribution, we really don’t have time to SELL OURSELVES.

So let’s think about this. What are they SELLING ANYWAY?

They’re selling us on their IMAGE.
That image is their FALSE SELF. The unreal, imaginary, wishful mask that they dream they could be. If it were genuine, they’d just relax, live, be and let be. But because it’s hype, well they have a pressing need to HYPE it and boy do they. Go to any narcissists social media roll and there in plain sight you’ll see the diatribe of narcissism.

“Here’s me looking really gorgeous in this tight outfit”
“Here’s me in my expensive car, driving to my gala event, the biggest event of the year, who asked ME to be it’s host! Im so thrilled! I love my life!”

“Here are my gorgeous friends and me, just sipping on $500 bottles of champagne”

“Here’s me just laying around naturally (in full makeup) and false eyelashes”
It’s actually very sad to witness, because you get to see how truly empty these people are. How the things they worship are all superficial, worldly, image based symbols of “worth”. Even when they’re posting pictures of themselves at supposed “charity events” or pictures of their kids excelling at something, the message is clear, “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!”

While those of us who are skilled at detecting the attention getting needs and schemes of a personality disordered narcissist, there are many sheep just milling the earth looking for something false to worship and a narcissist looks like a shiny gamble.

Former targets just want to yell to these sheep, “Wake up! It’s a rouse! This isn’t real! This person is NOT who they’re pretending to be. They’re a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They’re a danger.” But these lost souls have been found when a narcissist sweeps them up into their minion fold and gives them a “purpose”: Kool Aid Consumer & Narcissist defender.

The kool aid drinkers don’t listen to wise men. They keep drinking their kool aid, fighting the narcs battles when called upon, and unbeknownst to them, looking foolish and obtuse to the rest of us. It angers targets to see people behave so foolishly.

The narcissist is in desperate need of the kool aid drinkers, for without them, they literally DONT EXIST. A narc needs an audience, fan club, minions, flying monkeys and kool aid drinkers to survive. Without someone telling them how good they are, how giving and loving they are, they would implode in on themselves with shame and self loathing.

That’s the REAL narcissist. Take away the kool aid, and all you have is a person with a mental disorder, who hates themselves, pretends to be somebody good, someone they’re not, who uses and abuses people, including their own families and children and who is so full of themselves and worldly matters that they are hopelessly void of anything good or Godly. The narcissist sells kool aid and is so overly insistent about something about themselves to the point where we realize the opposite is most likely true.

So lets do a comparison. The Narc KOOL AID version of the narcissist and the REAL person:

KOOL AID NARC
CHARMING the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick and verbally facile

REAL NARC   The charm is contrived. The slick and verbal facile ability is actually the ability to flatter others to get what they want. The charm is in this case a means to an end. An agenda. Charm like this, is NOT alluring or attractive, in fact it’s a snare to your future abuse. If you want to avoid this real narc’s scheme, don’t fall for the charm. In fact, let Charm equate to a red flag that this person is TOO SLICK for your good sense.

KOOL AID NARC
Good, Altruistic, Giving, Charitable, Public persona, Christian, etc.

REAL NARC  As a study of good people (those they exploit and will identity thieve) real narcs learn who to mimic and why. They know that good people are trusted, respected and get the rewards of society. Real narcs want to appear as if they’re these people so they spend a great deal of time broadcasting and showcasing (selling) their “good guy” or “saintly girl” image.

Of course, the narc is nothing like the people they pretend to be. They are hypocrites. Painting themselves in a charitable light, while stealing others identities, reputations, ideas, and peace through abuse, scheming, manipulation, power and control is NOTHING charitable good or christian. In fact, those behaviors are on the list of 7 things God Hates.  Yes, God hates narcissism.  But the narcissist gets a lot of kool aid miles out of pretending to be a good person. They wouldn’t even begin to be able to start the process of being a good person because good people have humble hearts. Those who are truly charitable don’t take pictures of themselves and design a big PR campaign around being charitable. God calls that behavior out too in the bible: Give in secret. Don’t make a big show of it.

KOOL AID NARC

The victim. Oh boy do these people LOVE to wear the victim label. All of us who have been truly victimized, can relate to how much we honestly DETEST using the victim label to describe ourselves. Its a reason we use the term TARGET in our community. Not narcissists however, they want to look like the Poor, sorry, victim who nobody understands, everyone picks on even though they’re doing such good work (just look at their timelines), the guy who’s just trying to get along, or the girl who has so many haters (pooooor narcissist). Who in their right minds thinks that other people complaining about how cruel they are would switch it around to being a “hater”? Narcissists that’s who. They are always the center of some triangle or drama (that they created) but can’t take any responsibility for getting themselves there but they’re the first one to take to social media and enlist their flying monkeys on a campaign to slay the messenger (whoever confronted the narcissist honestly about a negative characteristic). They have endless stories about fights in the community, with bosses, with some imaginary enemy that’s persecuting them. Oye.

REAL NARC

The truth is, the REAL narcissist is NO VICTIM AT ALL. They’re the perpetrator dressed in victim clothing. They seek targets. They have agendas. They have impure motives. They use people. They abuse people and when they’re done, they unceremoniously discard people like trash. They slander people. They sic their flying monkeys on detractors and complainers and they sow discord wherever they go. They have a REAL reputation following them, with a target list a mile long, and all those kool aid drinkers don’t have any clue it exists.  The real narc lives in an imaginary fantasy world of “perfect” and have a clueless sheeple fan club to maintain their delusions. People that weren’t hiding anything wouldn’t need to go get their bully gang when anyone insults them. They’d stay strong in who they really are (a firm identity) and behave with character to have an honest conversation about the complaint. The real narc cannot do this! They run! The last time I saw my abuser…that’s what he was doing….RUNNING…in the court hall….away from the group of 30 people who just told the truth about him to a judge. Ill NEVER get that image of cowardliness of the running narcissist out of my mind. That’s what REAL NARCS do…they RUN from those who aren’t drinking the kool aid.

KOOL AID NARC

Loving. A person who appears to be sensitive, soft, vulnerable, insecure, kind, and loving.

REAL NARC

Evil. Im serious about this. Dead serious. The many many things I’ve learned about narcissists unfortunately keep pointing me back to the word that describes them best: EVIL. Why I would call another human being this horrible word is sometimes shocking to me, as I’ve never done that. With a narcissist however, I feel that the bible (my own personal opinion) has given me clear clear guidance as to who a narcissist REALLY is.

First, the narcissist has a hardened heart. They are entirely incapable of feeling connected to another person. 1) they don’t love themselves 2) they don’t possess empathy 3) they use & exploit people as a modus operandi 4) they’re not humble and can’t submit themselves to a higher power 5) they have the characteristics of satan himself

When God kicked satan out of heaven, it was because he wanted to exalt himself (play God) and be equal to God. Whether or not you believe the bible is irrelevant, what remains true is this: a narcissist is grandiose. They believe themselves the ultimate power. If you can’t humble yourself and understand that you aren’t the best thing going in this world, you CAN’T love other people, period.

The narcissist does not possess boundaries. Others have purposes to the narcissist that in their eyes, cause them to exist FOR the narcissist. They are extensions of him. A new “friend” is not a “friend” in the conventional sense of the word to a narcissist, they are a person who is of good USE. The friend may have contacts, look good, or know high status people. The friend may be talented or be a truly good person, but to a narcissist they have a purpose for use. A person who approaches someone with an agenda cannot love them, not even for the use they serve.

The narcissist doesn’t love themselves. In fact, just the opposite, the narc despises themselves. Yes, get past the image, get past the kool aid, a narcissist DOES NOT love themselves. Why? Because they feel ashamed. They know what they do, they know their dark thoughts and deeds and just because they hide them and fool people, their TRUE nature is NOT lost on them, it’s just HIDDEN. When I look at some narcs Ive known, here’s what I see in terms of them loving another:

You think, but they love their kids right? They say it all the time. NO!
1) Their kids are extensions. Mirrors. If the kid is doing great things, the narcissist is pleased at how this makes them look being their parent. Their kids future allows the narcissist to imagine their own immortality. For the narcissist will “live on” through their kids, and their kids and so on.

2) The things that narcissists can do behind their kids backs and to their spouse is evidence that the love doesn’t exist, because how could you purposefully do damage to your children without feeling empathy due to the love you have for them? Many loving parents STOP BAD BEHAVIOR because of their kids. They’ll stop cussing, smoking, having drinks in the house, carousing, etc. Because they don’t want their kids to witness this bad behavior. NOt a narcissist. They’ll keep on sinning, believing delusionally that “it doesn’t affect the kids”. Oh yes, it does, and we’re ALL witness to it narcissist.

When you love yourself, accountability and responsibility are HUGE components. We accept our imperfections, we admit them, we apologize when we hurt others.

They lack a conscience and they lack empathy. Its more important to a narcissist to remain blameless than to admit how deeply wrong they were and how much they hurt others. Not true with a narcissist this, humility is not in their “house of cards” – and thus, they can’t be humble enough to care for others. They remain isolated in their big perfect mess of an identity while blaming and shaming others for this gap.

If you take anything away from this message, PLEASE, when being offered a glass of narcissistic kool aid, JUST SAY NO! 

Wednesday Wisdom

what you deserve

Never chase love

Why was I always so 100% sure we were meant to be together?  I mean like more sure than I have ever been about anything in my whole life sure.  Now I’m a bit scared and freaked out that I could have been so completely wrong about someone.  I do know I should have cut off all contact last November when we broke up.  He has never once chosen me (he says he did in June before his son threatened suicide when they announced they were separating and he got sucked back in but that’s crap).  He is actually waiting for the narcissist to tell him she doesn’t love him so he can leave!!  Yeah, he’s gonna be waiting a LONG LONG time lol. Some people are just more comfortable being treated like crap and he is one of them.

Most women, myself included, need to know they are #1 in the heart of the man they love to feel happy and secure in the relationship.  After choosing to stay with her over and over and over, he could never possibly hope to make me ever believe that.  And I am too good a woman to ever come second to a lying, manipulative,  shoplifting, crazy narcissistic piece of trash like her.  He’s a blind fool and I am finally starting to believe they truly do deserve one another lol.

Sick

image

He almost fooled me again. But in the end, she was right. As sick and vulgar as it is, he IS her bitch and will probably never leave her. So now he deserves all the misery and unhappiness she will cause.

I will never let him anywhere near me again. I have wasted more than enough time, affection and tears on that selfish sick fool. He is dead to me and I don’t care what happens to him now.

After kicking her out of the bedroom, telling her he wants a separation and hiring an attorney, she said she doesn’t want that and she wouldn’t call the attorney/ mediator. Then she said she has a mental problem and will get help. Yeah right! Lol Just like she said she wanted to go to marriage counseling a year ago n went a few times. He went by himself all year to a really nice but completely clueless therapist whose advice made him more addicted to her and told him to do whatever makes her happy!!!! After 10 months, he finally diagnosed her as a narcissist but has no experience with narcissistic personality or abuse.

I’m sure you can guess what happened next. HE TOOK HER BACK! And after 3 1/2 years without sex with her and a year since me, he finally got to have sex with his narcissist. The pathetic part is he needed a viagra to do it lol. This was the final straw for me. The viagra shows he planned it and for me that’s completely unforgivable. He said he feels so bad, like a total slime. Yeah and?

He also told me he has this sick perverted fantasy of watching her and the other guy have sex!!!! Words cannot describe what a depraved, twisted sicko he has become. He said he knows it’s sick and obviously connected to the years of accepting her abuse. She’s definitely still having an affair. She screwed the guy in a hotel she paid for last week! All this dysfunction, perversion and toxic behavior has me needing another shower to wash the filth off.

When she stops being sweet and goes back to her cruel narcissistic self? He cannot contact me. I have blocked him everywhere. Cell, home, text, email, FB, Instagram, even Pinterest lol. I have no desire to ever see or speak to him again.

I finally realize that he has spent the last year kissing her ass, working out, getting tan, and turning himself into the perfect partner for a narcissist. And she ridiculed him for trying to please her. He is now as fake, superficial and morally bankrupt as is the lying, shoplifting, empty hole he sleeps with.

At least the pathetic n neverending saga of P and I is finally over.

Not All Bad

narc hurt

http://letmereach.com/2015/06/17/hes-not-all-bad-and-other-dangerous-fallacies/

SHE’S NOT ALL BAD” AND OTHER DANGEROUS FALLACIES

It’s hard to admit, but…

You’ve been lying to yourself about your partner.

There’s an ever-widening gap between the person you want her/him to be and the person she/he really is.  You have an idea of what constitutes a healthy relationship, yet you forgive your partner when she/he commits serious relationship grievances because, after all,  she’s/he’s not all bad.

It started out small, didn’t it?  You caught her/him in a “minor” lie, but she had a somewhat reasonable explanation for it.  When you put two and two together, her justification seemed sensible, so it changed from being a lie to a “slight misunderstanding”.

Then, when it kept happening, she turned your attention away from the fact that she was lying to your being “suspicious, needy, and insecure”.  So that when you’d catch her in another lie, she’d simply rage about your always watching her every move .  When that got old, she began chalking up her bad behaviors to your having “let yourself go”.  Suddenly, you were overweight, getting old, uninteresting, and a clingy basket case.  Even worse, she claimed you’d become so “schizoid” that you weren’t good relationship material for anyone.  And so you decided to stay instead of being alone because “she’s not all bad”.

Now, out of a one-month period, you might have one or two “good” days while the rest of your time is spent in misery and complete disaster.  You survive day-to-day, barely staying sane, hardly able to function (or take care of your children) while waiting for the rare occasion that she might be “nice”.  Through all the tears, heartbreak, and sucking it up, you know she’s going to come around at some point because she’s just “a normal person who makes human mistakes”.

If this sounds like you, you are experiencing extreme cognitive dissonance, which is a symptom of C-PTSD.  Cognitive dissonance thrives on your chalking up your partner’s lies and infidelity to dangerous fallacies that we all come to believe in toxic relationships, such as:

  • There isn’t anyone decent out there
  • No one is perfect
  • Most people are selfish
  • She acts that way because of her painful childhood
  • I can love her past her character disorder
  • Well, I haven’t been perfect, either

Of course you haven’t been perfect because you’ve been emotionally traumatized.  People who have been emotionally and psychologically abused typically display C-PTSD symptoms that can mimic bipolar disorder.  Judith Herman, author of Trauma & Recovery, describes C-PTSD as a form of trauma associated with prolonged subjection to totalitarian control including emotional abuse, domestic violence or torture—all repeated traumas in which there is an actual or perceived inability for the victim to escape. [1]  This may cause difficulty in regulating one’s emotions, explosive anger, and changes in self-perception which include shame, guilt, and self-blame.  All very devastating for someone who didn’t start out that way.

I’ve been coaching people for a good while now and the people who come to me for help generally share a specific set of personality traits (based on data derived from informal personality assessments).  While there are occasional deviations, most of my clients are INFJ (or generally Intuitive/Feeling), Empathic, and Highly Sensitive.  Knowing what I know about these traits, the person who possesses them is very caring, nurturing, over-conscientious, and generally NICE.  But sadly, they stop believing that about themselves because they’re in a persistent state of nuclear meltdown from being mistreated and manipulated by their toxic partner.

If your partner is constantly lying, being cold and being unfaithful, it’s a warning flag of a serious personality disorder – one that cannot improve.  When we forgive and accept their excuses for these behaviors, we inadvertently teach them to keep doing more of the same.  Over time, we lose more and more of ourselves while teaching our children that these events are normal in relationships, romantic or otherwise…and perpetuate dysfunctional relationship dynamics in the process.

And therein lies the danger in believing the common fallacies we come to accept in toxic relationships.  If you are accepting the unacceptable, are waiting for your partner to change, and experiencing cognitive dissonance via believing things will get better in the face of increasingly devastating emotional abuse, it’s critical that you go No Contact and get help before your C-PTSD symptoms get worse.

Stand up for yourself.  There are good people out there.  Don’t continue sacrificing your morals and self-respect for people who aren’t.

Broadening the perspective of Narcissistic abuse by including it right alongside every other abuse. Let’s call it what it is Emotional and Psychological abuse that can occur in any life situation be it romantic, friendship, family, work, etc. Let’s also include and define it in terms that are recognizable to personal relationships OR Domestic Violence. So a little insight into how this perpetrator abuses!

Source: Broadening the perspective of Narcissistic abuse by including it right alongside every other abuse. Let’s call it what it is Emotional and Psychological abuse that can occur in any life situation be it romantic, friendship, family, work, etc. Let’s also include and define it in terms that are recognizable to personal relationships OR Domestic Violence. So a little insight into how this perpetrator abuses!

What makes this abuse so damaging is that emotional/psychological abuse doesn’t stop the day you walk away from an emotionally abusive partner, loved one, friend, career or any relationship. Unfortunately, it will probably continue to affect you long after your abusive partner, relationship, or whatever connection is gone and REMAIN unless you discover what emotional/psychological abuse really is and how to STOP it and recover from it. It is unfortunate that this type of abuse is hard to identify and many if not all of these abusers walk among us unrecognized AND in every aspect of our lives (personal and professional.) What is NOT hard to recognize is the damage these abusers have inflicted onto their targets/victims and the huge loss and struggle associated with this abuse. Unfortunately the perpetrators of this abuse walk away unscathed and abuse a new target/victim.

Emotional/psychological abuse is any judgement, in ANY interpersonal relationship, from any source that humiliates, undermines, paralyses, makes you fearful, controls you or harms you. The Department of Justice defines this same pattern of abusive behavior as Domestic Violence as in an intimate relationship! In their words and definition it is any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic Violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological actions, or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone. Abuse is abuse in any situation!

So some descriptors and definitions that apply to emotional and psychological abusers and how their toxicity is administered to all people and all relationships.

  • Emotional and psychological abusers are controllers that ALWAYS run the show – think of them as dictators with an iron fist!
  • The abuse and manipulation can come in either a physical form (actions) or at a deep emotional level in order to break the psyche to meet the abusers desires and needs.
  • They create an omnipotent but FALSE façade as it concerns themselves where they are always portrayed as having a pristine, moralistic, and flawless lifestyle. They always have supporters to provide social proof of their magnanimous virtues to back them up – people they have manipulated with charm and lies. These supporters are basically their body guards to protect them from exposure of the truth or how disordered they are with their lies, betrayal, and how the extort life and people.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers manipulate people that are in any sort of relationship with them to believe or submit to the feeling that they have NO value outside the value THEY are given or are assigned to them by the abuser – PERIOD.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers manipulate people into a position of believing that submission, compliance and obedience are respect and even love.
  • They DEMAND that their authority is ALWAYS respected, but they don’t model or reciprocate with ANY type of respect! What they really want is obedience!
  • They do not live by their own professed teachings, values, rules, standards, or even laws – better yet they live by double standards.
  • They misrepresent and DISTORT “right from wrong” and morality as it serves THEIR purpose or needs. They teach, imply, or present false truths that reinforce their agenda and personal desire to control.
  • They make you jump through constant hoops in life making EVRYTHING so difficult to impossible! They back up their words with punishing actions.
  • They lie, embellish, and CREATE false situations or cover ups with the tiniest bit of the truth to always misrepresent facts and avoid accountability as it concerns the truth about THEM.
  • They instigate situations between people or triangulate, isolate, or divide and conquer. Then ask for your loyalty and respect as a factor in keeping their secret concerns about the person they are overtaking and isolating to hide their real motives and made up or false truths to put wedges in between people. This keeps the spotlight off of them and opposition between everyone around them.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers misuse and manipulate their power in order to get what THEY want and to have things the way THEY want them. Many abusive bosses are quite adept at using this control over employees! Sometimes threatening is the adequate word to describe their persuasion.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers can and will resort to cruelty. They will use jokes to poke fun at you or something you did, perhaps embarrass you and hope you react so they can make you wrong saying you are too sensitive or always overreact to things!
  • Emotional and psychological abusers DEMAND that we don’t question them and manipulate you into believing that doing so is disrespectful. They reinforce their manipulation with rage that produces fear of their retribution. They will also isolate you with the silent treatment to invalidate your presence in their world!
  • They are always right, they are always the expert that knows best PERIOD.
  • The manipulative power they exert over you is always presented “for YOUR own good” as if it is valuable information to help you prosper and grow to be better than what you are – as in a person in need of their help. They just assume the role of superiority over people!
  • They don’t respect or encourage individuality because that would limit their control over others. So they constantly exert their control and power to stay on top of their game.
  • Emotional and psychological abusers do not live by their own definitions of “respect” “love” or “truth.” They completely betray people with a wide variety of actions.
  • You are never a viable person with feelings, a voice, a presence, or allowed to have any positive validation or worth. You are ASSIGNED a submissive role and you must NEVER step out of that role!
  • They DENY any accountability or wrongdoing as it concerns how they dehumanize people. They will always put the blame back onto the person they are abusing and even destroy their integrity. Sadistic describes the abuser perfectly.

The above description of emotional abuse and the abuse tactics applies to ANYONE that acts out against people in the manner described with the intent to control another person. It is abuse pure and simple, be it spouses, partners, aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, siblings, friends, professionals (therapists, clergy, law enforcement, bosses, etc.) This abuse is NOT just limited to romantic relationships! These abusive actions are based on the abusers judgmental beliefs and sadistic actions that harm people and based on the grandiose view of themselves or the superiority, power, AND control they exert over their targets/victims. Abuse and control is made easier when the self-esteem is damaged or destroyed and that is the power abusers exert over their targets through devaluation, dehumanization, and betrayal!

Emotional/psychological abuse keeps you focused on the past and seeing the future only through the negative perspective of the manipulative and abusive relationship and the negative messages from them (the abusive person.) When you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser will always remind you of everything that you may have ever done wrong and re-visit these wrongs constantly in a manner to make you BELIEVE that you will NEVER change for the better. Everything has a negative spin attached to it. This is managing down and devaluation to make you feel worthless in their eyes!

Emotional abuse may not leave any outward scars, but it can cause pain and fear for much longer than physical harm to the body. Many people believe that just because they do not suffer from physical abuse by their spouse, partner, relative, friend, boss, etc., that they are safe and it is not abuse. However, this is not the case because the scars are internal and the damage is psychological and can cause grief, fear, anxiety, depression and trauma for an entire lifetime! This type of abuse is like an odorless and tasteless poison to people’s minds! Both woman, men AND children suffer from emotional and psychological abuse or mental torture from abusers.

Psychological or emotional abuse happens when the other party erodes your sense of self-esteem or self-worth and literally has a hold over your mind. Your sense of self-worth becomes destroyed in the process so much so that you no longer dare to challenge what is being said to you or about you. Basically is it fear of their retribution. The abuser exerts their power over you in degrees of punishment, or isolation, depending on your reaction to them or if you don’t acquiesce to their demands. You believe in the stories, words, and negative actions against you and most of them are not even true to begin with. Your abuser spins a web of lies to control your behavior and for his/her own selfish motives or to control you. Control and power are tools and the technique that the abuser asserts over people that are in their personal life! In reality it is the ABUSER that is probably right down there with the other lower forms in society, but those dark secrets are well hidden under a cloak or façade of superiority and morality. The abuser actually projects their faulty parts and weaknesses onto you in a manner to take the shame away from them.

Emotional abusers do what they do to gain power over you. Consequently, you feel like you are being controlled and every single movement you make is being watched, OR the feeling that you are walking on eggshells. You fear making decisions, in fact, you find it difficult to make one without consulting your ‘abusing’ partner. You are ALWAYS explaining yourself! You end up losing your confidence in your own abilities, incapable of rational thinking. Your reality has been distorted by constant manipulation, devaluation and managing down. In time your self-esteem and self-worth are held completely captive by the gravity of your abuser!

The minute you make “a mistake” or do something that your abuser or controller decides is “wrong”, they purposely became inflamed and basically reprimand you with the proof that you are a failure, a liar, crazy, a misfit, just like they have said all along. Abusers will often do this publically, twisting the truth and making sure that others agree that you are the crazy one. Usually they will do this so eloquently and behind your back. The abusive controller/manipulator will always make sure that the blame never falls on them to avoid being exposed as the psycho bully they really are. This is a very big part of how emotional and psychological abuse works. No matter what the real truth is, it never comes into the equation because the final thoughts, words, and actions are always the abusers spin to reinforce their agenda! They have a powerful and direct voice that they use to command and bark out their carefully cloaked lies and manipulations to always get their way. The emotional and psychological abuse surrounds the target/victim with such uncertainty that it isolates them from reality.

Abusers will essentially mentor and shape you with their delusional propaganda and agenda to control you, then they will mistreat and devalue you, and then take your voice away. This is all part of the agenda to BREAK YOU! Then they will reject you because you are broken and add more blame/shame and wrong to the many layers that they have already created. This is the cycle of devaluation or abuse! They recreate you, then break you, then blame you, then comfort you and start the process over and over again creating a dizzying and confusing circle and endless maze.

Basically they are labeling and BRANDING you with THEIR own emotionally and psychologically abusive actions as not good enough, not lovable, not the way that “they” want you to be and YOU are a disappointment and a failure. This is how they ‘play’ love! BUT they are manipulating you into believing and even convincing you that YOU are completely responsible for their negative reactions toward you AND it is YOUR fault that you are not lovable or good enough. You even become compliant because they are relentless and constantly trying to make you explain or prove yourself to them! You become so confused in believing that you are not good enough and so brainwashed that you finally believe them. Usually there is a bond of love that keeps you attached to the abuser’s hip or it could be a relationship that you MUST have or cannot avoid with your abuser! They will trick you once in a while with a little bit of reinforcement or love but it short lived and there to keep you in the cycle of abuse OR they want something. They break your spirit to make you dependent on them because they cannot have a healthy relationship that allows the other person to be an individual or to grow with them in ANY healthy manner so they create a trap to keep you chained to them. They are not wired to relate with care and empathy or to grow with love so instead they control you to keep you there with them until they are done with you or bored and then they move on to the next target/victim to extort completely and use up.

They constantly define you through their abusive connection or bond and you MUST realize that it is up to you to take your identity and power back! You MUST redefine yourself by purging the abuse and negative messages out of your head and life and see that THEY are disordered and have only manipulated and dehumanized you to make you believe that you are worthless. That is where they acquire their power over you and you must shut it off completely. This is how they manage people because they are totally defective and damaged inside! They cannot internalize any sort of a connection with a person that would allow individuality because they fear that they will lose control. Unfortunately they take control to a destructive level and imprison your thoughts and life and you basically become their servant. They are dangerous to people and life and destroy families, organizations, careers, or basically any part of life they become enmeshed in!

When you are in the thick of an abusive entanglement it becomes so difficult to even know HOW to define yourself because you become so lost in the control, manipulation and that fog that they encased you in. You probably even doubt that you HAVE the strength to take your life back because you are so beaten down, BUT you do. You MUST break the cycle of the manipulative controller and take a complete stand against being falsely accused, blamed, and shamed for EVRYTHING. You must not surrender to anything that this abuser does or says and realize that you are NOTHING of who or what they made you believe you were. You must see that they are the sick person here to dehumanize people in the manner they do. You must walk completely away from them and NEVER return! They are seriously disordered and have become sadistic and destructive to somehow compensate for their own inferiority and failures. They will not seek help or even see that they have a severe problem.

Emotional and psychological abusers have to keep us in a distorted spin because if we break through the cycle of their abuse or that ‘fog’ for one second, we might realize that they are wrong or better yet that they ARE sadistic abusers! They know we will recognize how very pathetic they are so controllers and abusers quickly defer to a statement or event that proves their delusional points over and over again – that is why you never feel a balance with them or achieve closure. They are relentless with their pursuit of control so don’t look to fixing anything about them or getting into their head to understand them! They have had an entire life to fix themselves and they have always chosen to deny their reality and continue abusing people. You are/were just the next person in a long line of people they have damaged and they are already onto a new target/victim.

You may get a tiny little bit of encouragement now and then but it will be met with more manipulation and control to keep you under their spell AND control! What they say in their deliverance of an attack usually has nothing to do with reality or any current situation. Psychological and emotional abusers create diversions and confusion, or again that heavy fog that will distort your reality and put you right back into blame, shame, and under their control. You have no real identity or a voice with a psychological or emotionally abusive person because you are merely an object. If you resist they will only step their game up to destroy what they can of you until you comply. They are destructive psycho bullies and their words, so called truths, and proof is ALWAYS designed to take you down. You don’t resist because of this negative and debilitating conditioning, but you are glued to them because you care, love or respect them (emotional bond.) You have to break that bond and you must respect the truth that YOU deserve more than their dehumanizing and sadistic treatment!

AGAIN – Psychological and emotional abuse brainwashes you into taking whatever bad or negative things your abuser says about you as the gospel truth. They spin you into such a web of confusion and deceit that the very confusion they put you in undermines your reality and then you believe they must be right and it becomes a way of life for you! You will even end up looking like the ‘crazy one’ that they have made you out to be to the outside world. The abuser is invested in this managing down and devaluation and THEY need you to believe it too so they can maintain that control and power over you! JUST SAY NO!

They will also try to convince you that it is just you being too sensitive, or maybe too demanding, angry, insubordinate, or too unreasonable. If you EVER respond to them with a question concerning their words, they try to convince you that this is for YOUR own good or out of concern and they are only trying to help you out, BUT they never help, and they only make you more wrong or HINDER. So again you end up thinking that it is you! Then because it is just words you don’t often define it as abuse! We all make mistakes and do things wrong, but when a person keeps you locked up in a negative pattern that constantly defines you as wrong, always making mistakes, worthless, unlikeable, unlovable, LESS THAN THEM, etc., and you have no way of ever changing this, that is psychological or emotional abuse and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE as it concerns a relationship!

Until you understand this completely and become adept at recognizing the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse you will continue to suffer from it in your life. Be it someone you are in a relationship with, family, friends, a boss, acquaintances and even strangers that behave in ways that are consistently hurtful or careless of your feelings THEY ARE ABUSIVE. You will allow and internalize other people’s abusive judgements of yourself and even become that description of you until you discover how to identify them and get rid of them by getting them out of your life once and for all. You will confuse abuse with ‘being realistic’ as it concerns your reality. If you assign or internalize these negative messages from abusive people that PRETEND they care, you will believe that you are damaged and it will hinder and disable your life. You will begin to believe that your happiness or success in life is defined through these distorted people AND those negative messages will become internalized and find a home in your head and heart.

Realize that only you hold the power and you are the only person who has power over yourself. As simple as this sounds after being in a horrendous and abusive relationship, it is just the truth. YOU must STOP the abuser and take their power away. You must become confident in the fact that YOU are good enough and even amazing. You have to realize that you have been subjected to the abusive behaviors of a seriously disordered person PERIOD. One reason why you have been subjected to emotional and psychological abuse is that you have handed your power over to this person. Be it fear, manipulation, or whatever tactic this person exerted over you can also be broken by you. You have recognized the truth of your situation, so now you can move forward into a healthy place to heal.

The time will come when you will know that enough is enough and refuse to be held hostage by the mental torture and you will WANT to move on AND possibly the reason why you are here today. It is completely possible to overcome psychological and emotional abuse and regain the confidence and control that you may have lost to an abusive partner. By protecting ourselves from being manipulated at the emotional level, we are able to free ourselves once and for all from the dehumanization and violation of our free will. It will also shift your consciousness from the state of fear and intimidation which is a byproduct of the abuse imposed on us by these emotional manipulators and vampires. THEN we can shift away from any debilitating mind state – call it deprograming, or desensitizing the negative messages or the abuse but it HAS to be done by completely breaking the bond with them.

You must lock up those doors that allow negative people to get at your real goodness. It means change, but it doesn’t mean changing the person you ARE, it means adjusting boundaries and healing weak spots that exist deep down inside of you. This is understanding and accepting that this horrible abuse has happened into your life and getting past it and to your healing. Your abuser is a lost cause and destructive to you. Leave them behind, and don’t put your energy into helping or healing THEM because they are what made you unhealthy in a manner that is a crime. What you invested in them is just a huge loss, so you have to accept that so that you will reinvest in YOUR own future. You can’t possibly get into their head to understand what they are and what they do – BUT they are quite adept at getting back into your head and starting the abuse right back up. So remove the coefficient that damaged you or the abusive person and replace them with positive healing and healthy thoughts and people. Recreate your boundaries to protect yourself from these negative and destructive people. No/minimal contact is where you start!

An important note: The Narcissist is never going to give up their secrets or that they are disordered. It is up to the targets/victims to define this abuse with their voices and knowledge to bring about awareness and viable help to other victims of this abuse. The Narcissist would only provide lies and manipulate if they were ever in a position to have to define their actions. So it is up to us to define it through our experiences and share them with the world. This will enable therapists and the behavioral sciences to understand the debilitating aspects of this abuse and help them treat the real trauma from this abuse and not just symptoms.

20 Identifiable Traits of a Female Narcissist

Source: 20 Identifiable Traits of a Female Narcissist

Women narcissists often are also diagnosed with the subset Histrionic Personality Disorder:

A personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, usually beginning in early adulthood. These individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious.

They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others. Associated features may include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, feelings that are easily hurt, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs.

Female narcissists focus more heavily on physical appearance that male narcissists. They often overestimate their own attractiveness, and focus on displaying or flaunting physical attributes. Scientists think there may be a link between narcissism and anorexia or bulimia.

In summary, female narcissists see their lives as a running feature film with them in the lead, receiving accolades at all times. Women narcissists in their 30s and 40s who are unhappily single will generally blame their unpartnered state on being too independent, feisty, strong-minded, intimidating and intelligent for most men.  Or they blame their usually unhappy marriages on their abused and manipulated spouses because they haven’t done enough or given them enough. But this is just another manipulation, as nothing is ever enough for the narcissist. They have little self-awareness.

How to Identify a Female Narcissist

Physical Appearance

  1. She dresses provocatively, flaunting sexually suggestive body parts.
  2. She focuses attention on makeup and hair, even for the most mundane tasks or events, getting the mail from the mailman for instance.
  3. She is overly confident about her looks. Research shows that narcissists are no more attractive than other people, but they believe they are much better looking than other women.
  4. She places high value on brand names, and feels entitled to wear “the best.” She frequently purchases new clothing, and does not distinguish between wants and needs.
  5. She is more likely to have plastic surgery, most commonly breast augmentation.
  6. She enjoys being photographed, and often asks others to snap her picture. She enthusiastically shares the best pics of herself on Facebook, Instagram or other social media sites. She will sometimes invest in a professional photographer for a portrait that she uses on Facebook or for online dating.  Almost all of her many many pictures are usually only of her, not of her family.

Personality/Character

  1. She insists on being the center of attention, and is often the most charming person in the room. Some Narcissists are very outgoing and excel at marketing themselves. Except covert narcissists who are shyer and more introverted than their overt narcissistic counterparts.
  2. She often seeks favorable treatment, and automatic compliance. She believes that she is special, and that she deserves fame, fortune, success and happiness.
  3. She is highly materialistic.
  4. She is prone to envy, though she presents as supremely confident. She seeks opportunities to undermine others, and enjoys sharing confidences about how the two of you are better than others.
  5. She is convinced that others are envious and jealous of her, and often uses this excuse for her lack of real, intimate friendships. When her friends enjoy successes of their own, she finds ways to punish them by downplaying their achievements.
  6. She lacks empathy, and even common courtesy at times. She puts others down, including you. She does not hesitate to exploit others.
  7. She is very competitive.
  8. She believes that she is superior to her peers.
  9. She blames others for problems. Narcissists don’t believe that they make mistakes, and lack the ability to process shame.
  10. She displays a haughty attitude when she lets her guard down or is confronted. She will act impatient, arrogant and condescending. She will often excuse her own shortcomings by claiming that others are pressuring her or expecting too much of her.
  11. She is dishonest and often lies to get what she wants. She will never admit this.
  12. She is “psycho:” She engages in risky behaviors, has an addictive personality, and is prone to aggressive behavior when rejected. (Note: This is most common with Histrionic Personality Disorder.)
  13. She is unpredictable in her moods and actions. You have trouble figuring out what she wants and where you stand.
  14. She is capable of short-term regret, and will apologize profusely if backed into a corner. However, she will quickly rationalize her behavior and return to narcissistic patterns.

A woman doesn’t need to have all 20 of these traits to make a lousy relationship partner. If you can check off even a few of these characteristics, you should head for the hills at 60 mph. The six traits related to physical appearance should be apparent immediately, or within a short time of meeting.

Narcissistic personality traits can be difficult to detect at first. Narcissists always make a strong showing right out of the gate, and it takes time for them to reveal their negative qualities. They will only do so when feeling threatened or that they are not receiving “their due” in some way.

Magnetism: Being a Magnet for Narcissists and Why Narcissists Can Be So Magnetic

Source: Are You a Magnet for Narcissists? 

from https://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/

This is an extremely insightful article. The part that really hits home with me is this:

“Narcissists absolutely hate authenticity. They do not know how to be authentic, and they long to be authentic, burn and yearn for it, but they can’t be it, so they hate it. It is kryptonite to their superman/woman self/non-self.

Their main tools of controlling others are blame, shame, criticism, censorship, and anything else which makes another person adapt their self expression to suit others. They encourage political correctness, politeness, social niceties, and compromise in others to suit them. They use emotional blackmail to get you to willingly do what they want you to do. The prize for your subordination is that they may use you again.

So speak your mind. Express your emotions. Smile when you’re happy, frown when you’re angry, cry when you’re sad. Don’t say you’re fine if you’re not, say exactly what you are really feeling. Ignore their attempts to shut you up. If they have a tantrum, scream louder if you want to, or walk out and leave them to it, but don’t let their display of grandiose and overwhelming emotions stop you from expressing yourself.

They are not a child, don’t treat them like one, and don’t become their parent. Don’t be sensitive to their needs if it means being insensitive to your own. They are not, no matter what they tell you, sensitive to your needs in any other way than to use your needs against you to manipulate you. Put yourself first, because what they want is for you to put them first, and to put yourself last or even better forget about yourself completely.

You being you, all of you, uncensored, is a frightening and horrifying monster to a Narcissist. Because you are being real, and real people scare the shit out of Narcissists. They are not being real, they know that they are not being real, even if most of that knowledge is buried in their subconscious and they think that they are very real. They think everyone else is as fake as they are, in fact they think others are more fake than they are. They are their reference point for the world. They can’t express genuine emotions, or voice their real thoughts, and they apply this to others. They don’t actually know how to be real, and the very thought of it scares them. So when you are real and genuine, it stirs up the real person buried deep within them, and they live in fear of their real self because they don’t know who their real self is, it is unknown, and the fear of the unknown chills them to the marrow. This fear of their real self is the spur which governs their entire life, and all of their subsequent behavior is an attempt to escape and kill this real self off, and replace it with an idealized self of their own creation.

The ultimate lesson and gift that a relationship with a Narcissist gives you is this… Be yourself, all of you.

What is a Narcissist – someone who doesn’t know who their real self is. What do you get from a relationship ship with a Narcissist – the ability to see what not being yourself can do to you and to others.

The ultimate goal of a Narcissist is to be superhuman. To escape being human. The purpose of life is to be human. If we were not meant to be human, we would not be having a being human experience. The purpose of death is to be super human. As in we cast off the mortal, human being, coil and that’s that… the bit afterwards depends on your beliefs.

Be yourself. All of yourself, the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the positive and the negative. Embrace it all into one. Only you know who that is and how to be you. That’s your gift. That is what makes life worth living. And don’t forget you’re a human being… mistakes are a part of that, make them, learn from them, regret them, and be kind to yourself, even when you’re not.”

Why Are Narcissists Sexy?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201304/why-are-narcissists-so-darn-sexy

The classic Greek mythical figure, Narcissus, is known for having fallen in love with himself. He wasn’t the only one, though. Everyone who knew him, including the Nymph Echo, became similarly smitten. We associate the personality trait, and disorder, of narcissism as involving excessive self-love but rarely consider the fact that they may exert a magnetic pull on others as well. This magnetic pull only lasts so long, however, because the superficiality of the truly narcissistic individual causes the relationship to wear thin. At that point, they are forced to find a new partner who, again, may only stick around for so long.

Because their long-term prospects in relationships tend NOT TO BE VERY GOOD, narcissists become the masters of the good first impression. They know how to manipulate their own self-presentation so that they seem desirable and attractive. It’s possible that, like Narcissus, their disordered personality traits stem from their high intrinsic levels of physical attractiveness. However, it’s also possible that because of their narcissistic tendencies, they spend a great deal of time, money, and effort on making themselves look as attractive as they possibly can.